Sand Sharks

I been wanting to cover this movie since I did my shark attack blog-a-thon(g) earlier this year but it wasn't available then. Thankfully, Netflix decided to add it to their Instant Watch and now I get to cover it before Invasion of the B Movies goes away forever!

What was the huge appeal to me? Mainly the raw star power of Brooke Hogan! She popped up during "2-Headed Shark Attack" and when I heard she did ANOTHER movie, this time about sharks in sand, I said "Oh great, she's gonna be the go-to shark gal, huh?"

"Sand Sharks" opens up with two dirt bike riding guys riding around on a beach. One of them gets stuck in the sand and wouldn't you know it a shark pops out of the sand and eats him. The other guy of course thinks the first guy was joking around and goes looking for him but he too gets eaten.

After the credits, where all the stars are also the producers of the movie and we learn there's a guy calling himself "Edgar Allan Poe IV" (Will this guy still have a career? Quoth the raven: "Nevermore!"), we meet Jimmy. Jimmy is your standard stereotypical sleazy producer guy who wears fake gold jewelry, wears tinted glasses indoors, and calls everyone "babe".

Jimmy is from an island called White Sand and his father (played by Edgar Allan Poe IV) is the Mayor of this island. Jimmy has returned home to help bring tourists to this island. We're told through several back story conversations that Jimmy tried to have a festival on the island before and a billion people died, which scared off the tourists, so as a result the island hasn't recovered and businesses are leaving and the residents are moving into the city.

Jimmy wants to put on a festival called "Sand Man", which is suppose to be a rip off of Burning Man. Mayor Dad actually likes the idea and tells Jimmy he can put on the festival. Meanwhile Sheriff John and his sister Brenda are trying to solve the mystery of the two dead bikers from earlier. Brenda thinks it was a shark, despite the bodies being found on land and calls in a shark expert, Brooke Hogan!

Hey if Tara Reid can play a museum curator, Brooke Hogan can be a shark expert!

Meanwhile, Jimmy is all gung-ho on setting up for this festival but John and Brenda have decided to close the beaches until they figure out if there is a shark or not. Brooke Hogan shows up to peek into microscopes, say some things I'm sure she read off a cue card regarding types of sharks, and of course wear bikinis as often as possible.

Already, it sounds like a bad rip-off or parody of "Jaws" and you're half-right. There is an old salty sea dog guy who says he can kill the shark for ya, the town does go into a panic, AND the mayor doesn't want to close the beaches, AND AND it's up to the small island sheriff to save everybody! I guess Brooke Hogan is Richard Dreyfuss? Have fun wit that masterbatory fantasy.

Jimmy is pissed off that the beach is closed so he hires a fake Jason Statham to bring a fake shark from a "bad shark movie" (SEE NICK, THIS MOVIE IS META!) to pass as the shark going around killing people on the island. But Professor Brooke Hogan knows the truth and says so to everybody's faces!

Later that night, Jimmy decides to set up for the festival anyway by having fake Jason Statham set up the power cables, which causes a black out on the island. John figured this out and spots Fake Statham on the beach but you know what else is on the beach? The shark....our shark!

The shark attacks Fake Statham, who was plugging in some more power cords after fixing the power or something and this causes an electrical surge, blowing up the shark. With that out of the way, Jimmy is free to put on the festival.

And what a lame festival. It looked more like an organized flash mob set to dubstep. There was maybe 20 people, even though Jimmy promised Edgar Allan Poe IV a billion people, MORE people than Burning Man, and all these people were gonna save the island's economy. HEY! Maybe that's what Obama should do! Throw a GIANT dance party in Washington, D.C, have EVERY country over, and have Skrillex provide the music! Talk about a Party in the U.S.A!

Anyway, since the movie hasn't ended yet, you probably figured out that wasn't the only shark in the sand that got killed. It was actually a baby shark and the baby shark has a mother...and a father...and several other siblings. Cue the mayhem!

In the mayhem, Brenda is chomped in half along with some people that worked for Jimmy. Jimmy learns his lesson and decides not to be a douchebag and actually tries to save people. And it's up to John, Brooke Hogan, and salty sea dog guy to save the day! How do they save the day?

I have no idea. It was confusing at best. Something about melting sand and using amps from the DJ's booth and the song "Ride of the Valkyries". Oh and Jimmy is carrying napalm for no real reason. He just happened to have it. OH! And there was literally a scene where characters just transported. John and Brooke Hogan are stuck on some rocks, being circled by sand sharks. Cuts away to Jimmy driving to the police station to get some guns and suddenly both John and Brooke is there! They just said "oh we got away!" THE FUCK?!?!?!

Whatever. So they're putting their plan into motion but the speakers is cut by the shark fins and Jimmy decides to sacrifice himself by running around in circles singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". This causes the sharks to think "The fuck is wrong with this guy?" and eat him. Thankfully, Brooke Hogan knows how to handle a flame thrower and blows up the sharks real good.

What's funny about this movie is it clearly doesn't take itself too seriously. The Netflix description says it's a "comedic thriller". So this movie had it's tongue planted clearly in it's cheek and as a result, I'll go easy on it. The acting was fucking terrible, however, and I'm sure that wasn't on purpose. It's a goofy ass movie and if you need something dumb to watch and want to look at Brooke Hogan's tits for an hour and a half and NOT risk a restraining order, you can pop this in. But you see them more in "2-Headed Shark Attack"...whatever!



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Night

So I'm gonna declare right now that this is going to be the last of the shark movies for awhile. I'm getting kinda tired of them and I think I need to review other things. I'll probably come back to them at the end of summer (we'll see) so to close us out for Spring, let's take a look at last summer's "blockbuster" "Shark Night", which was in 3-D.

This movie not only stars Joel David Moore, an actor who needs to fire his agent STAT!, but also singing sensation Katherine McPhee! Yeah, I'm not even kidding about that. I have no idea why she's in this movie honestly. Her character didn't sing. She was pretty much a giant slut though. So maybe that had something to do with it.

Well, the movie starts off like a slasher movie. A douchey couple is alone in the water at some lake when we get a "homage" to "Jaws" when the girl is violently shaken (or is it shook?) then eventually dies. No word on what happened to the guy but who cares! It's time to meet our cast!

There's the black guy who's name was stereotypical black guy name like Jamal or something. There's Sarah, the ever delicate girl who hasn't been with a guy yet, Jamal's girlfriend who is in two scenes, the hunky nerd, and the hunky nerd's friend played by Joel David Moore. The hunky nerd is Mark or Nick or something bland and white like that and honestly, no nerd ever looks like this. It's like casting Ryan Gosling as a nerd.

Anyway, Nerdy Mark helped Jamal pass a test so they're gonna celebrate by going to Sarah's beach house. Where's this beach house? SO FUCKING FAR AWAY IT TAKES THEM 15 MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME TO GET THERE! We get a shot of the truck driving down the highway, then it stops at a gas station where we meet Tucker and Dale.

No wait, sorry. We meet Red and Dennis, two locals who decide to pick on Jamal for the obvious reasons. But apparently Sarah and Dennis has a history and they leave without lynching anybody. Then they get to a pier where they're greeted by Sheriff Donal Logue. I guess he's friends with Sarah too and thinks her drinking while driving a boat is hilarious.

Then we get the late '80s/early '90s montage of the gang having fun at the beach house, on this lake, that you can only get back and forth from on a boat, oh and for good measure cell phones don't work out here and they never thought about putting a land line or maybe a FUCKING CB RADIO IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!

Jamal decides to go water skiing when a shark decides to show up and chomp on him. Everyone thinks Nerdy Mark ran him over, which I can see cause when you're on a lake you don't expect sharks, I suppose.  And for whatever reason, the shark only bites off his arm and swims away. And it doesn't even eat the arm! Mark finds it later so what the fuck was the point of that?

Thank god Mark is a med student because otherwise Jamal would die. Actually, what would've happened if Mark wasn't there? Would Joel David Moore just try to tape it back on his body with duct tape and continue playing beer pong with Katherine McPhee? Would Jamal's girlfriend who is so unimportant that when she died everyone just kinda shrugged their shoulders actually be important to the story? Maybe SHE was a med student who dropped out and would remember something. OH! Or she watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy" while masturbating to McDreamy or whatever and picked up something in between orgasms?

Maybe?

Sorry, I'm just writing a better movie in my head. Back to this shitfest.

They all get on the boat to get help but the shark starts chasing them and soon knocks out the motor, which causes the boat to lose control. Mark, Sarah, and Jamal all jump out of the boat just in time to watch it explode before it actually touched anything. So that took care of that. What's left?

Well, a boat just happens to come along later in the night (the SHARK NIGHT if you will) and hey look, it's the two rednecks from earlier, Red and Dennis. They seem suddenly sympathetic to Jamal's problem and offer to take Katherine McPhee and Joel David Moore to the sheriff for help. But then A TWIST!! In the middle of the lake, the rednecks turn the boat off and reveal THEY raised the sharks themselves! A-WHA?!?!?!

Now why would they do that? It's explained later and when I tell you, you're gonna want to stab your computer screens. Blind people, if you have someone reading my reviews to you, please don't take it out on them. And I'm sorry, person reading things to the blind person, for all the horrible things you had to say in the past.

So Dennis shoots Joel David Moore and he's able to swim to safety for a moment until a shark JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER to eat him. Yeah... Next, Red and Dennis make Katherine McPhee get naked. Oh fuck me, this is rated PG-13 so we only see her in her underwear. Ugh. Well, it was still nice to look at. OH! And Katherine McPhee managed to hide a knife earlier and manages to stab Red but he totally plays off being stabbed like "PFFT! I can't be stabbed, American Idol bitch!" and throws her in the shark infested waters.

Jamal finds out about the death of his unimportant girlfriend and in a scene that made me call my black girlfriend into the room, had Jamal standing on the shore HOLDING A SPEAR! Yeah, neither one of us knew what to say about that. But she pointed out to me that Jamal was just hiding his bitten arm under his shirt and it was CLEARLY OBVIOUS so that was also good for a laugh.

When Jamal passes out, one of Sarah's friends comes up with the bright idea to strap him to a water ski and go get help. Mid-way through, Jamal looks behind him and finds sharks following them. Realizing life kinda sucks now, he unstraps himself and gets eaten by the sharks. And then one of the sharks just randomly jumps out of the water and eats the guy. I really don't think sharks jump out and eat people on jet skis but whatever.

Ok so Sheriff Donal Logue shows up and instantly I said "He's in on the shark thing, he's on the shark thing, he's in on the shark thing" and wouldn't ya know it, he's in on the shark thing! He knocks Sarah, Nerdy Mark, and Sarah's dog and takes them to the boat. OH! And it's revealed that Sarah use to go out with Dennis before leaving for college and on the day before she left, she almost drowned and as a result a propeller landed in Dennis' face, scaring him forever or some shit like that.

So naturally, Dennis wants to kill Sarah while Sheriff Donal Logue gets to kill Mark. But not before he tells him why they bought sharks to this lake. Person reading my reviews to the blind, get ready to defend yourself. There are cameras strapped to the sharks, yes all of them, and these three geniuses decide to take the footage of sharks eating people and sell them to the Discovery Channel for Shark Week.

That's it. That's what's going on here. That's the WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS MOVIE is happening to begin with: so these three assholes can be on Shark Week!! FUCK IT blind people, start beating your readers. Sorry, readers.

First off, I doubt the Discovery Channel is going to air people's murders. I know they show people ALMOST dying a lot, especially during shark week, but actual people getting eaten? And then it's not that easy to get on Shark Week. Most of the people on Shark Week are shark experts OR shark victims OR sometimes both! So what the fuck?

Well, Mark manages to escape from Sheriff Donal Logue by setting him on fire then feeding him to the sharks, Dennis covers Sarah in chum and puts her in the water, and when Mark shows up to save Sarah, Dennis accidentally stabs Red. OH NOW knives effect him. Jesus. The ending's just whatever, you know Mark saves Sarah and the shark eats Dennis in an ironic twist and to further showcase how fucking retarded this movie is, the shark jumps out of the water one last time.

And that's "Shark Night". It's laughable at times but not enough to make it worth watching. It's just stupid, annoying, and a giant waste of time. I feel sorry for people who paid to see this in 3-D cause it was just a waste of money. Even the stuff that's worth seeing in 3-D couldn't save this movie. Just dumb and avoid at all costs.



-Jason
(PS: My apologizes if the guy's name wasn't Jamal. I honestly couldn't remember and it was more offensively stereotypical than that.)

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Sharktopus

Oh...Roger Corman. How I love thee. You been making movies since the 1950's and you don't show any signs of slowing down. And I love how that name is so popular that I shouldn't have to explain who the man is. He's so famous that regular smucks who want to make, say, a giant shark/octopus movie go to him for tips on how to make it under budget. Cause really, who's gonna give a movie about a hybrid shark/octopus ANY money? Syfy? PFFT!!

Anyway. "Sharktopus".

Film starts in L.A as a bunch of hot people run around a beach. Two girls are arguing over texting while on the beach. One girl gives up and goes into the water. Many gratuitous shots of girl getting wet when we see....a regular shark. Oh. Maybe it's gonna fuck an octopus and-

Oh no. The sharktopus, or S-11 as it's called in the movie, appears, kills the shark, giving the hot girl enough time to get back to land. We find out S-11 was created by Eric Roberts and his hot daughter Nicole. They created it for the Navy as a way to chase bad guys in International waters. But it's not suppose to kill anyone just hunt them and scare them a bit.

But Eric Roberts said "fuck that shit! I'm Eric Roberts!" and redesigned the sharktopus to KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!! So needless to say, it breaks loose. Eric Roberts wants the creature back and will do ANYTHING to get it back ALIVE! So he hires this guy named Andy who use to work for him back in the day. But Andy demanded he actually gets paid to work so Eric Roberts fired him. Blah! Eric Roberts only hires slaves! Don't you know anything?

(God if anyone ever Googles "Eric Roberts slave" I'm gonna be a hit!)

Anyway, they send for Andy, who's partying it up in a pool with some babes. They tell him S-11 is out and Andy is like "give me half a million dollars and I'm in!" Meanwhile, the Navy wants Eric Roberts to hurry the hell up and capture the thing before it kills too many people and word gets around that the Navy let a creature loose.

We then meet Stacy, a hot reporter chick and her camera guy Bones. Stacy is looking for this guy named, I dunno, Drunky, who reported the sharktopus to her and now she's here to get her story. Drunky tells her everything she wants to know after Stacy made it rain. I'm not even kidding, she did a total "dude in a strip club" move when she was giving Drunky money.

In between these scenes, we get shots of the sharktopus killing random people, mainly on beaches and mainly while dangling from somewhere like a bungee cord and a zip line. And for whatever reason, Eric Roberts said "fuck this" and spends the rest of the movie on a yacht, just talking to Nicole on the phone while the movie turns into "24".

The following takes places between "chomp" and "gulp".

Nicole uses her laptop to track the S-11 and it doesn't do any fucking good cause she's always like "I lost the signal!" then it pops up behind them. One of Andy's friends gets killed by the sharktopus and he loses his mind and decides it's time to kill the fucker.

While Drunky takes Stacy to where he found the sharktopus, Stacy decides all of a sudden she doesn't believe in sharktopus'. WAIT! Then why the fuck are you there?!? Well, she believes again when it pops up, attacks some people on a beach, and then later eats Drunky.

We also meet Captain Jack, a DJ who opened his own radio station on his boat. He's played by Ralph Garman, if you know who that is. I guess it's super easy to start your own radio station. And he's got a hot producer chick who wears a bikini. She tells Jack about the sharktopus but he doesn't believe her until he gets eaten by it. NO! Who's Kevin Smith gonna tour with now?!

Eric Roberts just keeps getting drunk on his yacht, which I'm sure wasn't originally in the movie but y'know it's Eric Roberts, what the fuck you gonna do? When he finds out Andy is gonna kill the S-11, he goes to find Andy to stop him. But sadly, the sharktopus kills him. Before he dies, he tells Nicole how to kill the sharktopus, which involves some weird techy thing inside it's brain.

So all our "main" characters meet up finally and they team up to stop the sharktopus. But then the movie did something I wasn't expecting. It kills Bones and then Stacy! I was like "WOW!" we spent a lot of time with these people and they just die right here at the end?? AMAZING!

Andy manages to shoot the sharktopus and distract it while Nicole figures out Eric Robert's password. Try "booze"! That's probably it!! It's not, but you know what it is cause it's what he's been calling Nicole the entire movie: pumpkin. Yeah, he's one of THOSE fathers!

Anyway, the sharktopus explodes and that's it. Oh, there are two meta moments in the movie, one involving Jack and one at the end here. The one with Jack has him telling his hot producer chick that the whole "sharktopus" would make a great movie and it should be about a former researcher/Navy SEAL hired to track it down. And the one at the end is about the ending of the movie. It's kinda weird but awesome.

So this movie isn't anything special but holy fuck is it a lot of fun! It's really bad. I mean REALLY bad. It's full of corny lines, and Andy has a lot of scenes where he goes "DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!!" and everything. It's funny. I only wish this wasn't made for TV cause it could've used some nudity and some "fucks" or "motherfuckers" in there. But other than that, I say check this out sometime! It's fun!



And Nolahn of the Bargain Bin Review was nice enough to do a review of "Deep Blue Sea" for his site. I waited too long to post it and I apologize to him but now here it is in it's full glory!
-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack 2

Nick Jobe, during his year and a half of reviewing different movies each week, has fallen victim to the Netflix Curse. Well, now you can include me in that. The Netflix Curse is when you saw a movie on Instant Watch one week, then when you go to watch it, you find it's suddenly gone. I was GOING to review "Shark Attack", the first film in the series that, I thought, ended with "Shark Attack 3: Megaladon" (more on that later). But lo and behold, it is not available on Instant Watch anymore. Well fucking boo!

So "Shark Attack 2" it is! I figured they're not totally related to each other, it doesn't matter anyway. And guess what? I was right. Well, sort of. There's an sort of connection between the first film and the second film, and there's an odd connection between the second and the third. The tie in to Parts 2 and 3 is basically this: both were directed by David Worth AND Part 2 is pretty much a boring version of Part 3.

If you've only seen Part 3, take all the funny hilarious stuff you know about it out and what you have left is Part 2. Don't believe me? DASH LIST ALERT!

-Both movies feature a hunky male lead who work on and/or in the water somehow.
-Both work for a company who's President is EEEEEEVVVVILLLLL!!! and only wants to line his pockets with money thanks to stupid people like you and me.
-Both feature a pretty attractive female lead who's looking for the shark for her own personal reasons.
-Both feature small characters who you think won't be important until they take over the entire final third act.
-Both movies feature the hunky male and the attractive female not liking each other at the beginning, then slowly falling in love, then both of them fucking in slow motion while corny '90s R&B plays in the background.
-Both movies feature the humans trying to fight a shark in a small submarine that looks like would be too small for a Smurf.
-Both movies feature a ridiculous explosion at the end that supposedly killed the shark.
-Oh and both movies feature sharks.

Strangely enough, I think the budget was bigger for this film cause the CGI and the green screen was at least believeable. But like I said, it made the movie more boring.

I could get into the story, I guess, but it doesn't really matter. I mean you got the attractive female named Samantha who's scuba diving with her sister, what's-her-name, when they come across a shark. The shark eats the sister and Samantha is like "NOOOO!!!!"

One week later, our hunky lead male Nick works for a water park in Cape Town...(I guess they changed the name to include the ellipses) and the name of the water park is, I swear to god, "Water World". PFFFT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, pre-1995 movies. Anyway-

What? This movie was made in 2000? POST Kevin Costner "Waterworld"? Are you fucking kidding me?! Why would you name a water park that, KNOWING there's a somewhat horrible movie ABOUT water named "Waterworld"? You know people are just going to think it's a lame tribute to the movie. People will be showing up with their VHS copies of "Field of Dreams" or "Bull Durham", waiting to meet Kevin Costner and instead they'll find a chucky EVVVILLLL guy in a suit going "BUY STUPID HATS WITH FINS ON THEM YOU FUCKING MORONS! HAHAHAHA!!"

Anyway.

The shark that killed whats-her-name appeared in town, so Nick is sent to find it, capture it, and make it a new attracting at Kevin Costner Land. Well, guess what? Just guess. Write the rest of the fucking movie in your head, cause you know what happens next.

Oh. You want ME to tell you? Oh that's right, I'm here to entertain you. Well ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! Ok, at least say it with me.

"The shark goes crazy, kills a worker in the park, manages to get loose, and now Nick must stop it at all costs."

Well, there is a small twist though. The EVVVILLL president guy blames Nick for the incident, fires him, and hires The Crocodile Hunter.

Ok, it wasn't really The Crocodile Hunter. But it was an Australian guy. Who had a TV show. On The Discovery Channel. Who else do you think it was? Anyway, THIS guy is a major asshole and he's out to kill the shark before anyone else does.

Have you seen "Jaws"? Ok, say the next part with me then.

"They have to close the beaches and cancel an event that's happening RIGHT on the beach because this guy captured the wrong shark."

*sigh...*

The shark kills a few more people, including The Crocodile Hunter's friends, and NOW it's personal. It's revealed that whatever went on in the first movie caused these sharks to mutate and now they're thirsty...FOR BLOOD!

Wait, aren't all sharks thirsty for blood? That's like saying "Oh no stop that man! He's hungry....FOR PIZZA!!!!"

I would watch a movie where a guy tries to eat pizza and people keep trying to kill him. Someone make that movie.

Ok, you know how this ends. Say it with me.

"All three characters team up to kill the shark, the Crocodile Hunter is now a good guy thanks to him facing near death, there's a lame scene in a small sub full of explosives and we're suppose to think everyone's dead but everyone gets out of the situation at the last minute."

Man, you guys are good.

So that's "Shark Attack 2". Just watch "Shark Attack 3", it's a WAY better movie. I never thought that'd be possible, but it is. And you know what? I'm getting burnt out on all these sharks movie. I think I need to take a few days off, then review a different movie. I'll have to figure that out later. Anyway.



If you're reading this, then you probably know Dylan Fields from Man, I Love Films. And you also know it's hard to get him to watch a bad movie, let alone a horror movie. But somehow not only did I get him to do so, but I got him to write a review on his own site for the first time in like a billion years. So mucho thanks to Dylan for taking over my Thursday column and reviewing "Shark Zone".
-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): 2-Headed Shark Attack

Oh boy, buckle in, this is going to be an interesting ride. Yet again, made by the "fine" folks at The Asylum, this is a different take on the shark attack movie. And that different take is "what if a shark....HAD TWO HEADS!! DUDE!!!! Pass the bong..." I will admit the addition of a head is interesting but it's barely explained why or how it got two heads. I guess we're not suppose to care, we just want to see teenagers get chomped!

Before I get to that, let me tell you who's all in this movie. There's Jerry O'Connell...'s brother Charlie.

There's Hulk Hogan...'s daughter Brooke Hogan.

And there's Carmen Electra....oh that's it. Just Carmen Electra. And Carmen Electra is LITERALLY just there in the movie. I don't even know what her name was. The others I'm being lazy on and not bothering with their characters name but I swear to God she didn't have a name. All of her scenes entailed her standing on a boat in a bikini, showing off her cleavage, and looking off in the distance. FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE!

So what's going on? Honestly, I don't get the set up. It's like Spring Break: The School. A bunch of college kids (I guess they're college?) are all in bikini's and swim trunks on a boat while Charlie O'Connell tells them what different ship instruments do. Cut to Brooke Hogan, who decides to be the sarcastic bitch during the movie. This wouldn't be too bad except she's suppose to be our hero!

We meet the other kids, which include every stereotype you can think of. There the muscle bound juice head who I'm sure The Asylum tried to get The Situation to play. There's the "nerdy" guy who reminded me of the guy who got arrested in the beginning of "Super Troopers". ("Snozzenberries takes like snozzenberries!"). There's the wound tight SUPER bitchy chick who seems to hate everyone. And...the rest. I'm gonna point out right now that all the girls in this movie were fucking hot as hell. And they were in bikini's the entire movie. AND there was a lot of running. That's all I'm gonna say, I don't wanna lose the little female followers I do have.

Anyway, they're on this boat doing I don't even know what when the two headed shark shows up, rams into the boat, causing it to crack the hull and take in water. My confusion isn't helped any when there's ANOTHER chick who's steering the boat and I dunno who she was suppose to be. She was pretty hot, but holy fuck a horrible actress. Actually, EVERYBODY in this movie was horrible, so I guess that's a moot point.

The random chick tells Charlie O'Donnell that it'll take a day to fix the crack in the boat. One of the random students spots an island nearby, so they decide to go there while the boat is being fixed. Then it kinda reminded me of a slasher movie. You got your dumb students, roaming around a deserted island, they THINK it's deserted, but a killer is stalking them! And the island is seriously something out of "Lost", there's houses and whatnot all over. If they find a hatch, I'm out of here!

Of course, they separate to look around at stuff. One guy goes with two girls and they get in the water, take their clothes off, and all three start making out. Wow! This is the best day of this guy's life! Too bad he has to die CHOMP MOTHAFUCKA!!!

Oh the random girl on the boat fixing the break also gets eaten. Her scenes are hilarious cause The Asylum couldn't either afford to film underwater or the girl didn't know how to swim so not only was the shark CGI, but so was the girl and it was like watching Pixar's "2-Headed Shark Attack" with John Ratzenberger as the shark.

"Heeey, uh, I'm gonna eat if you that's alright."

There's a lot of scenes of the students being stupid and the Fake Situation being a royal douchebag and trying to grope Brooke Hogan all the time. Meanwhile, Carmen Electra is just sunbathing on the boat. Eventually two crew people on the boat realize the random girl is dead and freak out. The island starts shaking and Charlie barely scrapes his knee and suddenly he can't walk. There's all kinds of crazy shit going on!

Turns out the island is an atoll and it's slowly sinking. While roaming the island, the students find two motorboats and of course Brooke Hogan knows how to fix them. Of course! She fixes them, Situation creates a situation by taking one for himself and leaving everybody behind to join The Others. Brooke Hogan goes "OH HELL NO BROTHER!" and chases after him.

So you know what's coming, I knew what was coming, but it took so god damn long! Finally, Situation Douche manages to get two people from his boat to fall into the water and get chomped by the shark. Everyone freaks out about the shark having two heads and goes back to the sinking island/atoll.

Realizing that sharks are attracted to electric energy, they create a big power source to distract the shark while the ship is finished being repaired. Who's gonna repair the hole in the boat? Why, Brooke Hogan of course! Man, her resume is impressive.

1998-2000: Boat repair
2001-2005: Welder extraordinaire!
2005-2011: Started wearing low cut bikini's and realized guy will give me money to do anything so screw those other things!

So Brooke and Douchiuation (I'm running out of words, thankfully this review is almost over) go to the boat, Brooke fixes the hole and when he gets the signal it's fixed, HE decides to steal the boat. Oh good job, asshole.

But even if he didn't steal the boat, and the others got on and headed to freedom, they wouldn't have lasted too long cause the shark start ramming into the boat, causing it to finally sink. And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche.

Not knowing what to do, Brooke goes back to the island and everybody just sorta gives up and prepares to die. Charlie and Carmen face the shark head on and before they get chomped, they kiss. Wow, I bet he couldn't wait for that scene. The other students start running when the island finally falls into the water and the shark comes after them. There's a funny scene where a guy takes a cross from a church that was on the island and starts wailing on the shark with it. Talk about telling somebody about Jesus.

Anyway, all the minor students with one or two lines all get chomped and it's just Brooke and the nerdy guy left. They tried to blow it up with a gas can but their lighter got wet and wouldn't lit. Brooke Hogan remembers she's the daughter of a wrestler and decides to wrestle it! Ok, not really, but that'd be awesome. What she does instead, and I'm being serious this time, is just STAB THE SHIT OUT OF IT like a crazed O.J! It does some damage but it isn't until the shark eats a motorboat that it decides to blow up randomly. And thanks to a transponder on the sinking boat, the Coast Guard comes to save Brooke and the nerdy guy. The end.

Phew. This is one of those movies that's so bad it's hard to describe how bad it is. you just need to see this for yourself. Compared to the other The Asylum shark movies, this one is still bad in execution but kind of a lot of fun. It's a "bad movie night" type of movie. Plus if you're a guy, there's lots and lots and LOTS of tits to look at. The Asylum pretends they don't know what they're doing, but really, they do.

This rating is on entertainment value ALONE.



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I can't recall it but it's gonna be a struggle. And I'll forget some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-

Oh. Sorry.

"Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus" can be taken as a sequel to "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" but that's like saying my left nut is a sequel to my right nut. Both are in the general area and both feature the same things but really, both are very different. Especially the left one. The way it-

Damn it. Sorry.

The movie starts with a Naval ship in the ocean and there's a guy looking at the worst CGI shark in a CGI tank (really guys you couldn't afford a giant plastic tub?) and the guy turns around and...HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S STEVE URKEL!! I'm not saying he LOOKS like Urkel...IT IS URKEL!! What the fuck is Urkel doing...oh nevermind. The Asylum. I get it.

Believe it or not, Urkel is some military shark expert, I guess, and he thinks the Mega Shark from the previous movie is still alive. Instead of bothering Debbie Gibson, they just named the ship after her and move on. After Urkel yells at the commander about Mega Shark still being alive, Mega Shark shows up, crushing the ship and kill Urkel's girlfriend. Laura, no!

Meanwhile in the Congo (I would make a joke here but I haven't seen "Congo". Sorry to disappoint) some Australian guy with a gun is making people dig around in a cave. For diamonds I guess. I think Leonardo Di Caprio made a movie about this but I'm not certain.

Y'know, I still haven't seen "Shutter Island" yet. My future sister-in-law told me the "twist" ending but I still want to see it. Supposedly it's very good and-

FUCK.

The damn crocasaurus shows up and chomps up some people. We then meet Nigel. Nigel is your typical bad ass hero in that he's dishonest, owns several weapons, and looks like he hasn't bathed in months. But god damn if he isn't still ruggedly handsome. To prove this, a HOT AUSTRALIAN chick shows up and asks Nigel for help in tracking down the croc. I am going to say that again. An AUSTRALIAN asks some BRITISH GUY named NIGEL for help in tracking down a GIANT CROCODILE! I...I hope Tom Clift reads this. Fuck, I'll MAKE him read this. Tom, do you find it insulting that an Australian had to ask a British guy for help in tracking down a giant crocodile? Or are you more insulted that I'm asking you this question?

To get to the punchline, Nigel and the hot Australian chick roam around Congo for five minutes when she falls into giant croc pee and then gets eaten by the giant croc. Nigel manages to shoot the croc with a tranquilizer, which knocks it out.

Meanwhile, Urkel is being questioned about being the only survivor of USS Debbie Gibson (OH GOD WHEN SHE DIES LET THIS REALLY HAPPEN) until some stuck up but still kinda hot chick named Hutchinson shows up, tells Urkel he's gonna help her and her top secret team of Mega Shark Hunters kill Mega Shark, and take her to a submarine. The Admiral of this submarine is played by Robert Picardo, who if you're a Star Trek fan, or Dylan Fields, you know that name immediately. Anyway, they ask Urkel for help in tracking down Mega Shark.

Nigel, meanwhile, is transporting the Giant Croc to Florida. Oh that makes sense. They don't have a BIG enough crocodile problem to begin with. Let's bring a 200 ton one there. While we're at it, when we find Mega Grandma, let's bring her there too! Jeez.

Hey guess what? Giant Croc wakes up when Mega Shark comes by to scope out the boat with the giant croc and they sorta fight but the CGI is so awful it's hard to tell. Anyway, the ship is destroyed and Hutchinson is dispatched to pick up Nigel so he'll work with Urkel to get both Mega Shark and Giant Croc.

The rest of the movie is pretty much Nigel and Urkel going to different parts of the world where either Mega Shark, the croc, or at times both are, try to kill them but instead ends up destroying the nearby city. This includes Miami, Panama, and Hawaii. And if that wasn't enough, Croc is laying eggs everywhere so now they have to find giant croc eggs and kill those as well. But Mega Shark is also after the eggs cause they're yummy or something. It's very boring in this middle part.

Fuck, the entire movie is boring, save for the random hot chicks that appear. There's a hot chick that runs a sub, a science lab that's testing a croc egg, and one at some power plant. Oh, the power plant. I have NO IDEA what was going on with the power plant. They kept saying "Arc Light" over and over again and it made lighting or something. I dunno.

Anyway, Urkel starts losing his shit to the point where he thinks Hutchinson is his girlfriend and tries to carry her out of a crashed helicopter. Eventually, they get the two giant beasts to fight while a volcano goes off, which kills them both. And Robert Picardo smokes a cigar. That's it.

I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I couldn't recall it but it was a struggle. And I probably forgot some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-

Wait, I just said all this, didn't I? Weird.

This movie is boring, stupid, and sucks. You'll be better off watching this. Let's just move on.



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

(Welcome to the start of my Spring Break Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g)! For the next several weeks, throughout spring, I will be watching as many bad shark movies I can get my hands on. But thankfully, I won't be going through this journey alone! I've asked several of my friends to participate in this and when they refused to return my email, I made some other bloggers watch some shark movies. I'll be posting those in the upcoming weeks as well. For now, to kick things off, here's my review of "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" or as I like to call it "The Aslyum Discovers a Niche and Sticks With It, Holy Fuck Do They Stick With It!")

I'm the Tiny Juggernaut, bitch!

Much like everybody else, I heard of this movie through online news. They made a big deal about it, saying things like "Pffft, can you believe there's a movie called 'Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus'! I mean come on!!" Then they went on and on about it starring Deborah "Don't Call Me Debbie" Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. I was saying "Pfft, I see shit like this all the time."

Then I found out it was made by The Asylum and I went "Pfft, what else is new." Then I wondered what movie this might've been ripping off. The closest I can think of is "Shark Attack 3: Megalon", but that came out a few years ago and I don't recall a giant octopus, so I had to wonder "Could this be the first original movie made by Asylum? Are they changing a new leaf? WOW!" Then the previews before this movie started and they're releasing a movie called "The Terminators", so nevermind that.

You should be familiar with Asylum by now, I've done two of their movies here, both of which were horrible. But this is what they're known for, making rip off movies. Have I mentioned "Transmorphers" yet? Oh yeah, I have. Considering what's coming out this summer, I can't wait to see "Year 2" or "Carey Motter & The Full Bloody King". Should be good.

Alright, so after telling us this movie only stars four people, we find Deborah "Not Debbie" Gibson in a mini-sub with some dude. They're floating around in some ocean somewhere just looking around at fish and random things swimming. We also get shots of a dude in a helicopter dropping something off into the same body of water Debbie and Dude is in. 

Soon, some whales go apeshit (whaleshit?) and start swimming aggressively towards Debbie. Then through a series of jump cuts and horrible edits, some ice falls apart and inside said ice is our two main characters, Giant Shark and Mega Octopus! Or Mega Shark and Giant Octopus! Whatever! They're frozen, enlocked in a loving embrace. To prove they weren't totally fucking before the ice age, when they unthaw they act like mortal enemies and go their separate ways.

Debbie is like "Whoa" and suddenly we're in a car on land. Debbie is shaking up by the whole thing but I guess this little trip was illegal cause now she's in trouble with some underwater society she works for or whatever. This David Caruso-type dude shows up and yells at Debbie, while making her look at a dead whale on a beach. Debbie spots something but Fake Caruso (like we need one of those) tells her to piss off.

After drinking on the beach with Dude, Debbie sneaks back to the beach that night in a disguise. She offers the security guard a blow job to let her in. Ok, not really. She offered to sing "Lost In Your Eyes" and the guy, feeling threatened, let her in. Wise move, dude.

The thing Debbie found was a giant sharp white thing, that's rather tooth-shaped. She takes it home and tries to look up this tooth-like object but can't seem to find anything similar. Hmm, if only she opens her mouth and looks in the mirror. Or visits a dentist.

"Hm, I feel something in my teeth. Teeth? Could it be? YES! It's a whales penis!"

Well, Caruso fired Debbie and now that she's got some free time, she's gonna meet up with her old teacher Prof. Sanders, who taught her everything having to do with the water. Sanders use to be in the Navy but because he's Irish, he got drunk and crashed a sub. Tsk tsk.

"Either my cholesterol is high or I'm pregnant. Either way my wife's gonna kill me."

Debbie takes the white thing that could only be a tooth to Sanders, who immediately tells her it's a tooth. Debbie is dumbfounded at this revelation and wonders how a drunk Irish guy knew this, but a washed up singer from the 80's didn't. I kinda wonder myself.

Meanwhile, the shark and the octopus is going around causing all kinds of damage. The octopus tears up an oil rig and the shark stupidly jumps in the air and eats an airplane. Dr. Shimada talks to the only survivor of the oil rig thing, and the only thing that guy said was "AHHH!! AHH!!! Mega Octopus! AHHHHHH!!!!!" He's now locked up in an Asylum. Forced to watch "Snakes on a Train". HA!

Sanders brings in Shimada cause he thinks they're dealing with the same thing here, but Shimada says "No, this is an octopus" and they're like "Whoa, there's TWO giant creatures running around." When Debbie learns that the shark is a Megalon, she gets excited. I wonder if some dude is gonna offer to take her home and eat her pussy.

Speaking of, the pics she did for Playboy is totally on Google. Just sayin'.

Anyway, now they spend countless nights working on...something. I dunno what. But suddenly one morning a bunch of army or S.W.A.T dudes show up and take our trio to "TREASURE ISLAND US NAVAL AIR COMMAND STATION". I only know that cause we see this title card FIVE fucking times IN A ROW. 

See? I told you.

There, Lorenzo Lamas shows up and he isn't given a name through the entire movie, so even though I'm calling Debbie by her real name I have to call Lorenzo by his real name cause I have no choice. Lornezo immediately acts like an asshole by being a huge racist. I'm surprised he didn't lean in on Debbie and go "How about some, sugartits?" Maybe he did off-set.

Anyway, Lorenzo wants to hire our trio of renegades (HA, see what I did thar?) to do something about the shark and octopus. So it's another montage of them doing stuff! With science stuff! WOW! I honestly don't know what they were trying to do here, considering the actual science thing is coming up.

"If it's time to re-enact "The Re-animator" I get to be the headless guy!"

But first, Shimada and Debbie go "Eh, we're roughly the same age. Let's fuck." So they do, which happens that randomly in the movie. Sanders just shakes his head and goes "Oh you crazy young sober people!" and continues with the science. But the fucking scene gave us a purpose and our gang an idea: if they release pheromones, they'll think a mate is around and get horny and want to fuck and when they do...something! YAY!!!

Jeez, that's mean. These guys been frozen for a billion years and even though they were frozen while experimenting with each other, they get a chance to do it with an actual female, only to find there's no female and something bad is gonna happen to them. I certainly wouldn't like if that happened to me.

This something means Shimada has to go to Japan to lure the octopus while Debbie and Sanders lures the shark to San Francisco. Why there? Maybe the shark likes Haight-Ashbury. Or it's gay. Cause it was experimenting with the octopus, you see.

Ok, so by now you're probably bored and want to know "When does the VS come into play? Tell us you stupid little man!!" Well, I hate to say it, but so far this is what happens exactly in the movie. A bunch of science stuff, with a little fucking, and a bunch of title cards that says "TREASURE ISLAND US NAVAL AIR COMMAND STATION". 

We get another montage of them making the pheromones, which they do, and everybody says goodbye. The plan is to dump the stuff in the water and lure them there and I guess shoot them? It's not totally clear. I'll save recapping the next 20 minutes by telling you this doesn't work. Instead the shark just munches on the Golden Gate Bridge. Good idea, Debbie. Now how about you step aside and let us bring in Tiffany, huh?

Eh, it was time for a new one anyway. That was kinda old. Thanks Mega Shark!

Shimada says he didn't have any luck either but doesn't say how badly they fucked things up. Not knowing what to do now, Debbie goes to sleep and has a dream about random clips of the movie we just seen. One of these scenes includes a clip of Shimada on his sub but the background is missing, but we clearly see the green screen. If you can't do something that the local news manages to get right, you should stop making movies.

"You are going to put a picture behind me, right?
 Otherwise, this would look stupid. HAHAHA!"

Anyway, somehow Debbie gets an idea from out of this and runs to Lorenzo and Sanders and simply shouts "Thrilla in Manilla!" and acts like everyone's suppose to know what the hell she's talking about. After five minutes of "OH come on, you know what I mean, guys!", she explains. Just have the two beasts fight each other to the death. Which is a good idea except the whole thing about what if one survives? But they don't touch on that, so nevermind.

They do the pheromone idea but drag them back to the icy waters Debbie and Dude was at the beginning of the movie and oddly enough they do start fighting. Inside the sub, we keep focusing on some random guy every 2 seconds, even though he isn't a major character. Then out of nowhere, this guy has had enough of the captain yelling at him and pulls a gun out of nowhere and waves it in front of the captain's face. But the octopus grabs a hold of the sub, which is enough of a distraction for our crew. 

And just like that the random guy pulling a gun on the captain plot ends cause he mysteriously vanishes and Sanders takes over, despite being a drunk Irish guy. They manage to get away, the shark and octopus fight, and somehow they both die. All the fighting scenes, cause it's all CGI, is kinda hard to make out, but I think Octopus had the advantage.

Before Debbie can rub her vajayjay on the screen, Shimado returns to where ever and they continue their random romance, with him saying he'll stay where ever they are. But Sanders appears with a red folder, saying "Let's go!" and they all go. What the hell? Is this "Mission: Impossible"? They found MORE giant pre-historic sea animals fighting? Is this a pilot of a TV show? The fuck?

Whatever, it's over. And my disappointment can begin now. Of course, I've seen plenty of "VS" movies and I should know by now the VS part isn't gonna happen until the last 5 minutes of the movie. The first 1 hour and 25 minutes is gonna be people not having to do with any of the main characters going "OH NO! This is happening! OH NO! That's happening! We need to get them together to fight!" 

Seeing as this is an Asylum movie, I will give them points for coming up with a slightly original idea for a movie. And for casting Debbie Gibson as the female lead. But they lose points for reminding us of the existence of Lorenzo Lamas. I did forget to mention this movie was written and directed by a guy named Ace. 

Of course, that's his name.

Nolahn over at the Bargain Bin Review also reviewed "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" and for whatever reason, he enjoyed this movie. I guess he's not as easily bored as I am.

The Great White Dope proves how awesome he is by doing a review of "Tintorera: Killer Shark" a few days early! And apparently this was a big task for him, so much thanks to him!

I have a lot of movies left and I don't wanna do them all on my own. If this sounds like fun and you want to participate, email me and I'll send you the list of available movies. What do you get in return? I dunno, fame or glory or hookers or something. We'll figure something out.

-Jason