Thursday, August 30, 2012

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #4



This is a pretty random episode. That's all I gotta say.
-Jason

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #39: Chop Till You Drop



In this episode, Jason and Nolahn welcome Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby.com and we talk about the classic '80s horror film "Chopping Mall". Before that, they talk about some things Matt is up to and all three showcase their awesome advice giving skills by doing a Ask The LAMB LIVE! But afterwards, Matt takes on The Game of the Unwanted. How does he stack up? Only one way to find out!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Stuff About Things And Stuff

Hey what's up guys? You're probably wondering what I've been up to. Well to be honest with you...nothing.

Ok, I mean I've been eating and sleeping and drinking and stuff. If I didn't do that stuff I'd be dead, even though there are currently certain people who'd love to see me dead. But anyway, yeah I haven't reviewed or made a peep in the past, what, two weeks? HOLY SHIT I HAVEN'T DONE A REVIEW IN TWO WEEKS AND YOU GUYS HAVEN'T RIOTED?!??!

Seriously, I plan on getting the reviewing train soon. Maybe even a list. And hey...MAYBE a video! WOW!! But I kinda had to take some time off cause of my job and doing other things that I'm not even gonna bother bringing up.

This next sentence is going to sound out of place but if you're in the "know" you know why I'm mentioning it. I have never been so grateful to have the friends that I have and the readers that I have then I am now. I just want to say that. Again, if you don't know why I'm saying that, don't worry about it. I'm not gonna ever bring it up or sound like a big baby about the whole thing. After tonight, it shall die a horrible death and whatever happens after this will happen and we'll just have to accept that, won't we?

What was I saying? I was distracted by Llama Del Ray.



OH! Yeah. I'm gonna be back sometime this week to talk about a shitty horror movie I've seen. I'm not sure which one yet. But we'll see. Anyway, if you are reading this, thank you a million time thank you. You all are awesome and if you ever need anything from me, don't be afraid to ask. Except for organs. I need those.

Anyway, let's crank some tunes!



-Jason

Monday, August 13, 2012

Old School Summer: The Boogens

Status: Own



Oh..."The Boogens". I've heard about this movie but never knew what it was about. It's not super hard to find but it's not the easiest. I guess you have to know the right people? Or know where to get it? We'll go with that. Anyway, the thing that caught my eye was seeing the video in the video store and it had a quote from Stephen King saying he recommended this movie "cheerfully". Alrighty then.

The film starts off with some newspaper clippings about miners in the late 1800's and early 1900's and how they find gold up in those hills but soon "something" happened, there was a cave-in, and soon the mine closed. Fast forward to the present, which I'm guessing is the early '80s and two dudes decide to open the mine after all these years. They hire Roger and Mark to help out with this. Here's what you need to you know about Roger:

He's horny. Super horny. Horny, horny, horny. He LOVES sex. Sex, sex, sex. Holy fuck, sex.

Here's what you need to know about Mark:

He's a nice guy. He doesn't have a girlfriend. That's about it.

Thankfully Roger has a girlfriend named Jessica, who knows a girl named Trish. According to Roger, Trish has nice tits and would be PERFECT for Mark. Jessica has a dog named Tiger who's easily the best character in this movie and-

What? What's that? I'm not talking about the plot of the movie or what The Boogens are or what the mine has anything to do with anything? That's because THIS FUCKING MOVIE BOMBARDS US WITH THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES FOR 45 MINUTES!!! Seriously! I actually got to know these people TOO well! Some horror movies you connect with the characters so you can feel for them, but that's after about 20 minutes. I felt like I actually lived with these people! Jeez!

Something sorta happens when a woman who's renting a house to our main characters shows up to get the house set for them. She roams around the basement where I'm sure something scary lurked but it was so damn dark I couldn't see. Anyway, she gets attacked by....something.

Meanwhile Roger wants sex. I'm surprised there wasn't a glory hole scene. Maybe in the director's cut.

Jessica and Trish move into the house and while they get settled, the guys come home. Mark meets Trish, at least her ass. Aw, I wanna see if she has nice tits. Anyway, Roger practically rapes Jessica in front of everybody. Everybody finds this charming and leaves them alone.

Meanwhile, nothing much happens for 30 minutes. There's an old man who's roaming around but he doesn't talk and nobody seems to see him. The dog is interesting as he's left alone in the house while clearly SOMETHING is in the house. But oddly enough, the dog survives.

The gang goes out for dinner, then to a bar to meet up with the two main miner dudes. The miners want Mark to go to another city to pick up some maps and lend him their truck. Mark goes back home to sleep for a bit before leaving but can't cause his bed is bad and-

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??!?!? WOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY!!!!

So FINALLY, whatever is in the basement attacks Mark and he too vanishes. The next day, everyone thinks Mark is gone and they go about their day. UGH!!! Let's just jump to the end shall we?

So what's a boogen? I guess they're these weird shell-less turtles with tentacles that can eat people? I guess. They eventually eat the dog, then attack and kill Jessica. The old guy turns out to be the son of a guy who survived the mine collapse in the 1900's and has set out to keep the boogens trapped in the mine, but then the miners came and let them out. So now the old guy is going to blow everything up but a boogen comes and eats him.



It's up to Mark and Trish to....run away? Sure. The house explodes but I'll be damned if I know why. They showed some liquid that could be gas but there was no spark or flame so....I dunno. Anyway, Mark and Trish goes into the mine tunnels where some boogens are waiting and attack. One of the miners shows up to tell them how to get out until he's killed by a boogen. Mark and Trish make it out, blow up the mine, and...that's it. The end.

THAT'S IT! Not even a twist ending?! JEEZ!

So clearly I love this movie! Ok no. It's slow, boring, nothing happens, the monster attacks are few and far in between and....HOLY FUCK! This is like "The Descent"! I wonder...oh well. Anyway, this movie should stay buried. And Stephen King, I never thought I'd ever say this but...FUCK YOU!

Oh and Trish's tits were ok looking.



-Jason

My Website Is Now In The Second Grade


So this past weekend a milestone passed around here. I have officially been doing this shit for seven-SEVEN-years and I couldn't be happier. While thinking about how to celebrate this, I decided to just post my Top 20 favorite reviews I've written in the past year. Now, what's happening here is not only did I like how I went about the review but SOME of them I ended up really liking the movie! Without further ado....adieu? Whatever here's my list.

20. Dreamaniac-This is a bit of a cheat cause I wrote this on August 9th of last year (the anniversary is the 11th) but I really kinda....liked? this movie? I guess. It's certainly interesting. I mean it's awful but there's something fun about the awfulness, which is kind of a running theme throughout this list.

19. TerrorVision-The review is currently unavailable cause it was on the old site and I haven't bought it over yet, but this was a movie I remember seeing as a kid and eventually got a copy of it on DVD and quite enjoy it's campyness and weird style.

18. Ants-A made-for-TV movie with Suzanne Somers and a bunch of other people must fight ants. And not mutant ants or giant ants. Just...ants. Yeah...

17. Satan's Little Helper-Probably the best movie to pair up with "Trick R Treat", I really dug this weird ass movie about a serial killer who tricks a kid into helping him kill people in a small town. Features quite possibly the hottest chick I've seen in a long time.



16. Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies-I really can't believe I like a The Asylum film as much as I do, but this was pretty good. The guy who played Lincoln was awesome and all the weird historic cameos was fun.

15. Murder Weapon-This really was featured on a failed internet show I started called Invasion of the B-Movies TV but I'm pretty proud of the review. The movie was fucking terrible but the review? Awesome!

14. The Initiation-A typical '80s slasher starring Princess Vespa from "Spaceballs" AND Clu Gulager? AND there's a giant penis costume? Yes please!


13. Mardi Gras Massacre-This movie is................................................EVIL! But really..........................................GOOFY!

12. Die-Ner (Get It?)-This is more for the controversy that followed after I posted the review. My friend Nick Jobe REALLY wanted me to see this movie and after I saw it and said "it was eh", Nick hasn't looked at me the same way since. It's a decent enough of a movie, I guess.

11. Pinocchio's Revenge-This movie is really weird and I didn't know how to handle it. I think it shows in the writing.

10. The Haunting of Whaley House-My 1000th post AND a movie by a guy I (sorta) know! And it's a pretty neat movie.

9. Bikini Girls On Ice-So this is an interesting slasher movie. A bunch of hot girls in bikini's show up at an abandoned gas station where a serial killer lives and what you think happens happens. Oddly enough, only one pair of tits is shown in the entire movie. Boo!

8. Two Headed Shark Attack-This is an amazingly fun movie. No, I'm serious. You got Brooke Hogan who knows how to do EVERYTHING, you got Charlie O'Donnell, and you got Carmen Electra who just lies around in a bikini throughout the movie. I dunno what more you want!


7. Zombie Nation-People like it when I get angry and this movie REALLY got me angry.

6. Birdemic-Ohhh...Birdemic.

5. Starship Troopers-Another review that bought along controversy because the main guy TOTALLY died but some nay-sayers say he didn't. But clearly, he died. C'mon!

4. Rubber-This is the most fun I had writing a review about a weird movie.

3. Long Kiss Goodnight-I CAN'T DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!

2. A Serbian Film-I really love this review me and Nick Jobe did on the most controversial movie ever. I'm sad that many people didn't read it. WHY WON'T YOU READ IT?!?!!?

1. Intruder-Oh man, this movie caught me by surprise. It's got Sam and Ted Raimi, a cameo by Bruce Campbell, and the most fucked up ending I've ever seen in a slasher movie. I really think people should hunt down this movie and watch it. NOW!

Well, that's it. I would like to thank everybody who visits the site and reads my stuff. I really appreciate it. What does the future hold for me? How the hell should I know?! I'm not psychic! We'll just have to wait to see, won't we?

And as a special bonus, here's the recent episode of The LAMBcast where me, Nolahn, Nick, Dan Heaton, and Sebastian from Black Hole Sun.com got together and rolled our own Top Five lists. Enjoy!
-Jason

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #38: A Fantastic Episode

In this episode of The Lair, Jason and Nolahn discuss the mother of all bootleg movies "The Fantastic Four" from 1994, a movie never meant to be seen by public eyes.

Before that, they discuss who they would cast in a reboot of The Fantastic Four, and it's by far the greatest conversation ever.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers


I'll be honest with you. I saw this movie a week ago and I didn't instantly write this review cause I had to let it settle. Kinda like after a bad chicken dinner. I had to come with terms with it. Did I like it? Did I hate it? What the fuck did they do with Angela's character? How can I possibly put it into words? If only I was a better reviewer. Oh, there I go again.

Ok so "Sleepaway Camp 2" takes place five years after the original and we're at some other camp called Camp Rolling Hills, run by a guy named Uncle John. Ugh. Unless the dude was my uncle, I wouldn't send my camp where the guy running it insisted everyone called him Uncle John. That sounds like a pedophile serial killer nickname.

Anyway, it starts with some camp kids telling scary stories and eventually it evolves into the story of what happened in the first movie. Soon a female camp councilor shows up and drags a girl camper away from storytime. The female camp councilor turns out to be Angela from the first film. So get this. She got arrested and was sent to a insane asylum, where she gets a sex change.

I...didn't know insane asylums hand out sex change operations like that. You think they would've frowned upon that, since that's the reason why he/she went crazy to begin with. But whatever. Angela is now fully a female. But now instead of being shy and quiet, she's a HUGE PSYCHO BITCH!! I mean HUUUUUUGE psycho bitch! Yeah, she was kinda psycho in the first film but this time she's a MAJOR psycho. And a giant bitch. I can't stress that enough.

Like here, she drags a poor girl away from the storytime and just because the girl reacts a bit, Angela goes "Oh yeah!" *kill kill kill stab murder die* Then when asked about all the missing dead campers, Angela just tells people "she sent them home", which means if she REALLY sent them home instead of killing them, she'd be single handedly causing this camp to get bankrupt.

Yeah, I'm stalling. I don't have much to say about this movie.

Ok so Angela is a camp councilor and she's a bitch. All the girls she watches over don't like her a lot, especially Ally, the camp slut. And I'll tell you now the chick who played Ally, Valerie Hartman, if you ever wanted to see her tits, this is the best movie because every scene she's in, she shows her tits. Not a complaint, but when you live with a female who walks in on you constantly while watching these shitty movies, and every scene has Ally's tits, she starts to wonder. That's all I'm saying.



There's a set of twins at this camp (Besides Ally's tits) who like to fuck and get high, rather openly I might add. I never been to camp but I've seen a lot of camp movies (YOU DON'T SAY?!?) and it seems like a pretty strict atmosphere. You have to get up at this time, you have to play (UGH) sports. You have to get shirtless. You have to sleep outside. A group of hairy people in jean shorts are constantly shouting at you. It's like PE all summer long. I don't get how these two got away with smoking weed and fucking all the time.



Well, the answer is they don't for long. Angela catches them fucking and smoking and soon knocks both of them out. One sister wakes up on, I'm not fucking kidding, a GIANT barbeque grill and her sister is already burnt down to the skeleton while she's on fire. Man, the kills are interesting in this movie.

There's a scene where a girl just yells I WANNA GO HOME! over and over again and I kept waiting to see how Angela kills her but...she just goes home. Huh. Didn't see that one coming. Oh! I didn't talk about the stars of the movie. So Angela is played by Pamela Springsteen. And YES she is Bruce's sister. And then there's Molly who played by Renee Estevez, Emilo's sister. I guess Chip Hitler wasn't available.


So Molly is the nice sweet girl who has a crush on the hunky boy Sean, but Ally has a crush on Sean too. But Ally takes care of this by fucking random dudes and showing her tits. OH MY GOD I need to talk about this wacky sex scene. So all the girls are going camping but Ally sneaks away to have sex with some guy in the bathroom. The scene starts off by showing their feet and we just hear weird moaning. Then you see the guy like drag Ally across the bathroom like a doll, until stopping to take her top off. Then he drags her to a stall, where he tries to take her bra off but fails, so she does it for him. Then he, I guess, mimics eating her out but she's still wearing her panties so I have no idea what he's doing and she's just like "OH YES DO ME NOW DO ME NOW!! OH GOD!!!" while the guy just fondles her panties. It's all very weird and unsexy. And for some reason, Angela doesn't kill her right away.

There are two boys though who plan on "scaring" Angela by dressing up as, no joke, Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees. Oh clever. But she gets the best of them and dresses up like fucking LEATHERFACE and chainsaws their asses. Seriously. It's...a strange slasher moment.

Uncle John is slowly getting pissed that all these campers are "being sent home" so he fires Angela and she goes off on the deep end. She kills random people for doing the slightest thing like talking too much, for having nude pics of girls, or threatening to tell. Eventually, Angela kills Ally and you won't believe how she does it. She drowns Ally in shit. I'm not even kidding. Shit. She just keeps pushing her down into shit until she died. What a fucking way to go.



Molly feels bad for Angela so she follows Angela to her special quiet place, which is an abandoned cabin up in the hills. There, Molly discovers all the dead bodies of all the people "sent home" and Angela is forced to tie Molly up and hold her prisoner. She doesn't kill her cause she likes her. Eventually, Sean comes looking for Molly and Angela chops his head off for no real reason, then places it in the TV for Molly to watch. Thankfully, Molly is able to escape but like any girl in a horror movie, she can't run and manages to trip and hit her head, knocking her out.

Angela returns to camp, kills pretty much everyone including Uncle John, and then decides to hitch a ride with an annoying cowgirl, whom Angela eventually kills. Molly wakes up, stumbles around the woods and finds a truck coming on down the road. Of course it's Angela. Angela says "Howdy Partner!" cause she's wearing a cowboy hat, the movie just freezes and that's it. The end.

Yeah. NOW you see why I had a hard time writing this review. But after thinking about it and letting it settle, I think it was just OK. I would probably only watch it once in a great while, maybe show some friends, but that's about it. I do love the kills and the fact people's sisters are in this movie. It's kind of a strange film and has a fan of the first film, I'm a bit empty about what they did with Angela. I was kinda annoyed at her bitchyness and just wanted her to silently kill. I guess the film makers were going for that "CAMP" value.

BOOM!



-Jason