Thursday, October 07, 2010
B-Movie Meatloaf/Zombie Month: Trick R Treat
Yeah, I'm grouping them together. There's zombies in this movie. There's a shitload of other things too like werewolves, vampires, serial killers, and ancient legends taking the form of a walking pumpkin to strike down upon thee with great vengence and FURRRIOUS ANGER to anyone who hates Halloween.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Apparently this movie was made by some GOOD people, like Bryan Singer and stars GOOD people like Dylan Baker and Anna Paquin. Throw me for a loop! The thing about this movie is it was slated to be in theaters but it was just quietly put on DVD. Kinda sad cause it's a good movie.
So something you should know about this movie is there's a bunch of stories happening. It's sort of like an anthology movie but they're all mashed together in some sorta way. It's kinda neat actually. Just to help my poor memory and not make this the most confusing review ever, I'll seperate all the stories and tell you how they intertwine. Deal? Deal.
#1: The Story of the Bitchy Lady
The movie starts with a couple coming home. The Wife hates Halloween, so much so that even before it turns Midnight, she's taking down all the awesome Halloween decorations. The Husband wants to get it on but the bitch is busy taking shit down so he watches their sex tape. I can't imagine the amount of booze it took to convince her to do that.
So she's taking shit down when we get a Michael Meyers-like POV of someone-or someTHING-running around her. Something attacks her under a cover and soon she's dead. The Husband jerked himself off to sleep so when he wakes up he finds her body hanging in the tree, like a Halloween decoration.
#2: The Story of The Serial Killer Who Played A Pedo In A Previous Movie
Dylan Baker must be some crazy guy. He CHOSE to take the role of a pedofile in "Happiness" and now here he's a principal who's a serial killer. He poisons the candy and when a kid eats one and dies in his lap (seriously) Principal Pedo drags the body to the backyard to bury it.
While in the backyard, hijinx ensue. The Neighbor's Dog (coming up later) is barking at him and The Neighbor yells at the dog and then at The Principal. Later, The Principal is finished burying the body and he's planted a tree. This makes sense for a reason but I don't wanna be responsible for serial killers going around doing this so I won't say why.
While The Principal was burying the body, his kid kept shouting at him about carving a pumpkin. The Principal, don't forget he's a serial killer, goes into the house and you THINK he's going to kill the kid. But nope. He's actually got some dude's head on a table. And he's showing his kid how to be a serial killer. Aww!!!
#3: The Story of Anna Paquin
Anna Paquin and her friends are shopping for slutty Halloween costumes. Well, her friends get the slutty costumes. Anna Paquin gets Little Red Riding Hood. No clevage for Anna, I guess. The slutty friends all head out to some party in the woods while Anna is left alone. She needs to find a guy. Somewhere in the middle of this story, there's some guy in black leather with vampire fangs who killed some chick but nobody helped her (including Bitchy Wife from the beginning, see this story is happening earlier) so she died and blended in with the other non-dead dead people.
Ok so Anna Paquin is looking for a guy but one of her slutty friends (might've been her slutty sister actually) found a guy for her: a guy in a giant baby outfit. Nice. So Anna is on her way when the Leather Vampire finds her and bites her. Oh but there's a twist. A few in fact.
1. The Leather Vampire? Is Principal Pedo from earlier!
2. Anna kicked the Principal's ass.
3. She didn't take a self defense class: She's a motherfucking werewolf!
I know that Anna Paquin is on that show "True Blood" and I'm sure all the True Blood tards are gonna make some joke or reference to all this so I'll let them do it. (Looking forwards to Nick's comment the most.)
Alright, so the whole "need to find a guy thing" was just a thing the werewolves in this group (btw all the werewolves are all the hot girls in this town. Go fucking figure) and Anna Paquin never killed before so "this is her first time". Hm, her first time is with a pedo. AND she's Little Red Riding Hood. SYMBOLISM!
So Principal Pedo is eaten.
#4: The Story About The Kids Who Tell A Story About Kids
This story kinda took awhile and was really my favorite up until the last story. So a bunch of kids with names like, I don't know, Bieber, Cody, Fresh, and Macy. (I remember the one girl named Macy cause I was like "So I guess her mom likes to shop or something"). Anyway, the kids are trick or treating AND collecting pumpkins for something. They are a few short so they stop at this one girl's house name Ronda who's like the little girl version of "Rain Man". Ronda made all these neat pumpkins and she agreed to give them some. AND she gets to tag along to whatever it is they're doing.
So they go out to this rock quarry and there Macy tells the story on what happened at this quarry. Thirty years ago all the towns crazy messed up kids were going to a secret school out of town and they were being driven by some bus driver. One day the parents paid the driver to take them to the quarry. The driver stops at the quarry and starts giving the kids candy. One of the kids freaks out and breaks out of his chains (cause all the kids were chained) and tries to start the bus to go home. He manages to get it moving...forward...into the quarry. There, the kids died but the bus driver escaped...
So Macy and her friends are here to put 8 pumpkins down in the water in the quarry to honor them or whatever. Macy, Bieber, and Cody go down first, leaving Fresh and Ronda to come down last. Fresh and Ronda go down last and they hear the other three screaming, then silence. Ronda decides to check it out and she finds the bus sticking out of the lake. Soon, Fresh is screaming and ZOMG ZOMBIE RETARDS!! MORE ZOMBIE RETARDS!! They're eating Fresh and they chase Ronda. Ronda screams and runs and trips and falls and splits her head open.
Oh. It was a joke. Macy, Bieber and Cody were all pulling a joke on Ronda. Why I don't know. But not finding it funny anymore, they decide to leave when...THE REAL ZOMBIE RETARDS SHOW UP! So they attack the pranksters and Ronda just kinda leaves them to be eaten as she goes back up.
#5: The Story of Sam
Throughout all the stories, we kept seeing this kid with a big head with a potato sack over it's head, looking like some demented Raggidy Andy doll. He was just standing there, looking on, dragging his candy. So we kinda get some info on this kid in this story.
We focus on The Principal's neighbor. He doesn't like Halloween. He lives alone with his dog and he just shuffles around, drinking. Soon, something breaks in and starts doing trick or treat pranks on him like egging his house and killing his dog and using the dog's blood to write fucked up shit on the walls. The Neighbor grabs his gun and goes after this thing and soon it's revealed to be the kid with the giant head. According to the imdb.com trivia, this kid's name is Sam. It's not said in the story but the people that made this movie wrote a short story involving this kid.
Oh and it's not really a kid. It's really a walking pumpkin. The Neighbor shoots at him and it looks like it's dead but it's not. Soon he starts pulling hismelf together and is about to kill the Neighbor when Sam finds a candy bar on The Neighbor. Taking this as a gesture of good will, Sam leaves the Neighbor to live and leaves.
Now the Neighbor knows better so he celebrates Halloween by giving out candy. Oh and the Neighbor? He's the bus driver from the other story. Yep. I think M. Night secretly wrote this. So The Neighbor/Driver sees Sam standing there when Sam sets his sights on the Bitchy wife and hears her anti-Halloween rants and well...you know.
So Sam is suppose to be like the embodiment of Halloween. If you hate Halloween or fuck it up, Sam will kill you. Thankfully, I celebrate Halloween every year. So I won't be visited by Sam.
I fuckin' loved this movie. It was awesome. I loved how the stories kinda weaved together. It all made sense. The acting was great. The effect were awesome. Gah, it's like...NOT a b-movie. I didn't know that! Oh well. It's too late to pick another movie for the Meatloaf so this will be the one GOOD movie, I guess.