Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Non-Typical Look Back on 2008

I'm sure my fellow LAMBer's are working on, or have already posted, entries on their own Best of 2008 in terms of films and whatnot. I would do that too but since everyone else is doing it why should I? I like to be different, as you can tell. And besides Master Fletch had us pick our top ten films for 2008 already, which should be posted soon on the LAMB. When that's posted I'll be sure to let you know, whoever "you" are.

So what I'll do instead is talk about myself, cause I'm a self centered asshole.

Personally, 2008 was probably the most exciting year I've ever had. Not only did I get to see such great movies as "The Dark Knight" and "Iron Man", and argue with friends about the greatness of other movies such as "Hancock" or "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (God in a wooden box and a dude pulling out a heart is ok but a lead fridge is too far out, man!), but I got a huge change in my life.

As you no doubt remember, at the end of August I moved from Northwest Indiana to Indianapolis and I was without internet for almost a month. For that month I was so out of touch on what was going on that I was starting to turn Amish. So much so that I grew a beard.

I eventually got back into the swing of things and reviewed my first five-star movie "Basket Case". God I love that damn movie. In fact I'm probably gonna watch it again tonight.

And I got to try out new things in 2008. Such as April's "30 Days of Horror" where every day in April I watched a horror movie. It didn't exactly work out in my favor due to family issues but overall it was a success. Will I be doing it again? I dunno, my work schedule is all messed up now so we'll see.

In January I got to drag my lovely fiancee to B-Fest, a yearly gathering of B-movie nerds and geeks alike. We were sorta locked in a theater for 24 hours watching nothing but bad movies. It was my second time (my first was back in 2004) so I knew what to expect. Felicia said she had fun but we'll see when B-Fest '09 rolls around.

I also got to make some new blogger friends through the LAMB and partake in several exciting events such as "Sirens of the LAMBs" in which I won! (Yay) And I had to write an Oscar report, which I did so talking about the evil of Michael Bay. Apparently I wasn't suppose to do that and suppose to talk about the award itself but that seemed too boring. And plus Fletch liked it, so whatever haterz! Pwnd!

In the Mass Invasion front, we had 3. Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, and Dolemite. I can't speak for everyone but I enjoy doing these Mass Invasions so more will be coming in 2009.

I landed my first interview, sort of, with an actual film maker, sort of. When I got an email from the director of "Fear of Clowns" I thought for sure I was dead. But he turned out to be a real cool guy, that is until he forced me to watch the sequel. Well played, Mr. Kangas. Well played.

And in 2008 I got to be a teenager again when I watched four, count 'em, FOUR horrible films aimed for the tween generation. I will possibly never be the same again.

And remember the Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon? Hells yes I will be doing that again.

And finally, I made my first solo short film entitled "Birthday Present". I was making it during April's "30 Days of Horror" so you know April was an exhausting month for me.

Well that's some of cool things I've done this year. What does 2009 hold? I guess nobody knows. So let's just find out together, shall we?

PS: New weekly event will be announced tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Ghosts of Christmas Past and Shoulda-Beens

I planned on writing a bunch of Christmas related posts/reviews in December, but thanks to my stupid work schedule (Thanks for the seven day week, boss lady) I hadn't had the time nor energy to do so. I can tell you what they were gonna be and you can use your imagination as to what the reviews/posts would've been like.

I was gonna review Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, the follow up to "Jack Frost" which was reviewed two years ago. I can only imagine what the sequel is like.

Then I was gonna compare both versions of "Black Christmas", having seen the remake a year ago in theaters (yeah there wasn't a lot of other choices to see then). I wrote a Probe about it sometime after seeing it but I wanted to see the original for my "Compare/Contrast" project. Maybe next year.

What I WILL talk about however is a special episode of Sesame Street called "Elmo Saves Christmas". I only mention it cause we sell it at work for some strange reason and every time I see it, I think about it more and more and remember how odd the whole thing was.

The basic gist of it is Elmo is really into Christmas and loves it so much that he wishes on some star or something that it could be Christmas every day. Then some magical reindeer shows up and not only grants Elmo's wish but takes him into the future to show what it'd be like if Christmas was every day.

They basically go through all the season, first stop in early Spring. Everyone's sorta still glad it's Christmas, but Big Bird misses Snuffy cause he's visiting his mom in Snuffy-land or something and the carolers look a bit tired.

Then it's Summer, which Elmo looked forward to cause he always wanted to celebrate Christmas in Summer. I dunno I think Egg Nog after it's been in the hot summer sun wouldn't taste as good. The effect of Christmas is running down on everyone and they're THIS close to become athiests.

It's off to Fall and...not a whole lot different than the Summer visit. The carolers look like they wanna drop dead, Big Bird has a nest full of unopened presents but the only thing he wants is Snuffy and everyone looks like they wanna kill themselves.

Finally it's back to winter when Christmas is suppose to be celebrated but at this point everyone's tired of it and wishes it never existed and when it's discovered Elmo wished for it to be everyday, there's seriously a witch hunt after Elmo. I wonder what would've happened if they caught him? Hang him from a tree? Feed him to Barkly? (You know Barkly. That giant dog. Yeah!)

Elmo regrets his wish and the magical reindeer undoes everything so now it's only once a year and everyone is happy again. Yay!

But holy Jesus is this thing depressing as hell. The couple that runs the shop (I forget their names it's been awhile) have gone bankrupt from keeping the store closed all year long and Big Bird was about to kill himself I think. Oscar was probably the happiest thing in the whole damn special. This whole thing reminds me of a line said on MST3K when they watched the short "A Case of Spring Fever": "So one clod says one thing and the entire world has to suffer?"

There are probably way better christmas specials than "Elmo Saves Christmas", which is a lie cause he didn't save shit, he kinda ruined it for everyone. I guess in the end he did? But it's kind of a hollow ending so it shouldn't count. Then again I guess "Elmo Fucks Up Christmas" isn't very child friendly, is it?

PS: I can link you to the other Christmas related reviews I've done.
Santa Claus Mass Invasion
Santa's Slay
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, Guys (And Gals)

I doubt anyone will be reading this today (25th) but just in case, I hope you and your family have a swell Christmas. Let me know if you got anything interesting!

Ho Ho Ho!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You're Being Parodied, Charlie Brown

Much like everyone else, I like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, even if it is a tad bit depressing. So naturally I looked it up on Youtube and found all these interesting parodies. I'll just post my favorite ones.

Linus sings The Police "Everything She Does Is Magic":

A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa (might be offensive to some people. I would say Not Safe For Work, but I doubt anyone checks my blog while at work. I can't imagine anyone in their office or cubicle going "OH! I must see what stupidity Jason has for us today and I can't wait to get home!")

Here's something from the real thing, Linus explaining the true meaning of Christmas, and the heartfelt ending:

Finally, I literally have the Charlie Brown tree:


Monday, December 15, 2008

My Favorite Holiday Scenes

So there's a Lamb Blog a thing thong something or another going on. I'm waiting for a video I made to get finished so I thought I'll go ahead and put mine in. I put "scenes" cause I picked two: one from a good movie, and one from a "b-movie". I didn't wanna say bad cause it's not really bad. It's actually one of my favorite Christmas movies but we'll get to that.

The Good: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

This will probably be picked by a few other people (or at least it should) but damn it all to heck I love the scene in "Christmas Vacation" when it's Christmas Eve and Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase) is very slowly going crazy cause of all the, er, craziness going on around him. His parents constantly bicker with his wife's parents. Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid, in a role he was born to play) is there being his usual annoying stupid self. Things are just going wrong left and right. And, well, it's too much for one man to take. The only thing left to do? Go on a rampage and yell out every obsenity you can think of.

The Not-So-Good: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

If you know me, or follow my site and/or blog at all, you probably saw this coming. Words can't describe just watch:

I wish the dude playing Ricky was in more movies. Imagine him as Batman.


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I Am Bloated

I randomly found this on Amazon. It's a "Ultimate Collectors" editon of "I Am Legend".

So question: Was this necessary?

And if you need a refresher on what I thought (cause that's the important thing here) click here.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Netflix, Old Stuff, New Stuff, and Stuff

I'm in a write-y mood tonight so I thought I'd share some things. That's why I got a blog, right?

I decided to go through my Netflix queue and get rid of stuff I put on there when I first got it back in 2006. If I haven't gotten around to it by now I probably never will. I kept some of the more interesting titles (My favorite: The Grapes of Death) and now adding some newer stuff I wanna catch up on. Plus some TV shows, like the first season of "It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia". Have you seen that shit? It's hilarious.

I also wanna see season 2 of "Supernatural" so I got those on there. Otherwise it's all movies, both good and bad.

I'm not sure if I ever made this clear but I am open for suggestions on any movies you guys think I should take a look at. The only problem I can see with this is people telling me "Dude, you should see "Twilight" and review it! It's awful!" Well, I'm sure it is, but I probably won't. Then again, I did do the "High School Musical" series...damn teenagers! Get off my lawn!

Seriously, drop me a line if you have a movie you want me to check out.

I'm probably also gonna stop doing the Five for Friday cause 1: I work weird hours on Friday's and 2: No one seems to give a crap. In it's place I'm gonna do something involving fake internet money and the weekend box office totals. More on this later.

I also wanted to announce some things in regards to the site.
1. The month of January is probably gonna be devoted to me updating some of my reviews, so if you were dying to see the pancake scene without having to see "Cabin Fever" have no fear, I'll be getting around to it.
2. Then either February or March I'm gonna be taking on a huge epic movie that will most likely take up the entire month. That movie is...The Sci-Fi Channel's horrible epic "Tinman". If you don't know what this is, god are you in for a treat.

I think that's all I got for now. Thanks for reading (if you are reading) and hope you guys like the new stuff coming up.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

New Review: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

It's offically the holidays! Time to watch Santa....tell us the story of Thumbelina?

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Also, yesterday (the 6th of December) was my offical 5 year anniversary of watching/reviewing bad movies. It all started with the cinematic classic "Rodentz" which can be found here:



Thursday, December 04, 2008

A List: 12 Unnessessary Sequels

At some point last night I was flipping through the channels and I saw that "Center Stage 2" was on. I didn't even know "Center Stage" had a sequel. Then I wondered why there was even a sequel to "Center Stage". Then I started thinking about other movies that didn't really need a sequel. I sure do a lot of thinking.

So here is my list of 12 (well 13 I guess since I mentioned Center Stage) sequels that didn't need to be made.

You know when I was coming up with this list, which involved looking at imdb, I realized there is one thing all these movies have in common: the sequels don't feature any of the original stars from the original movie. I suppose that means something.

Another thing is I didn't include any of the Disney sequels like "Bambi 2: Wrath of Bambi's Mom" or "Cinderella 4: This Time She's A Prostitute". Otherwise we'd be here all day and I'm sure we all have something better to do. Right?

1. American Psycho 2

Sequel to: American Psycho.
Plot of Original: Christian Bale is some successful corporate dude who likes to kill
chicks. Detective William Defoe is on the case. According to something I read a few weeks ago, the ending shows it might've been a dream or something.

Plot of sequel (from imdb): Rachael Newman has developed an interest for murders after she met psycho Patrick Bateman. To further study the subject, she enrolls at the university department for Behavioural and Social Sciences, under the expert leadership of ex-FBI man Robert Starkman. Very certain about herself, Rachael has one single goal: to become class assistant. It's a prestigious job as having that position will almost guarantee employment at the FBI. But becoming class assistant is no easy task to accomplish, as the first trouble arises when secretary Gerty Fleck decides she is too young for it. And Gerty Fleck won't be the only obstacle.

WTF: So it does feature the Patrick Bateman character, he's not played by Bale. Then it focuses on some girl for the rest of the movie. At least make it Patrick's sister or mom or something. Or better yet, grandmother. Can you imagine a 80 year old woman looking at her vicitim tied up while wearing a plastic suit, then turning on the radio and saying stuff like "Ahh Lawrence Welk. Many say Lawrence Welk..." etc.

2. Step up 2: The Streets

Sequel to: Step Up
Plot of Original: Some dude is a badass and is forced to serve community service at a dance school. His "slick" dance moves earn him a spot in some talent show and a bunch of lessons are learned.

Plot of Original (Based on what I pieced together from the trailer): This time some girl is a bad ass, but she's a street dancer bad ass. She goes to the same school, meets mildly ethnic stereotypes and then has to dance, in the streets, to prove a point. Lessons learned all around.

WTF: Really? Did we really need a sequel to a stupid dance movie? And have the sequel not feature ANYBODY from the original? Not even the mildly hot principal chick from the original is in it. The only way a sequel would be warrented is if we focused on the two characters from the original as they try to save their dance studio and invent a new move called Electric Boogaloo.

3. The Bring It On Series

Sequel to: Bring It On
Plot of Original: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.

Plot of all the sequels: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.

WTF: Yeah, let's make the same damn movie over and over again. Granted, the first one shouldn't have been made at all, but it had Kirsten Dunst and I think she's hot (well I did until Spiderman 3, Jesus stop crying already). And when one of your movies features Beyonce's younger sister, you should know it's time to stop.

4. Hollow Man 2

Sequel to: Hollow Man
Plot of Original: Kevin Bacon and some smart scientists discover how to make animate objects invisible. Kevin then decides to do it to himself, which he succeeds but then he goes crazy and decides to kill everyone.

Plot of Sequel (From imdb): In Seattle, after the mysterious death of the scientist Dr. Devin Villiers, Detective Frank Turner and his partner Det. Lisa Martinez are assigned to protect Devin's colleague Dr. Maggie Dalton. Lisa is killed while protecting Maggie, and Frank presses her to tell what is happening. She discloses that a veteran soldier called Michael Griffin was submitted to an experiment with the objective of creating the ultimate national security weapon, an undetectable soldier. However, the experiment failed, with horrible side effects due to the damage to the cells caused by the radiation. Michael is chasing Maggie to get the necessary buffer to survive.

WTF: We're now getting into the part of the list where in the original the main character dies, along with a bunch of people involved with the project. And I'm sure the few that did survive won't be doing that again. And reading that plot description it seems like it really has nothing to do with the first movie. It just features an invisible guy killing people. So if you write a movie about invisible people killing people, it's gonna be a "Hollow Man" sequel. Movie exec's probably wanted to turn it into a "Freddy/Jason/Michael" type franchise but it's hard to make Hollow Man halloween masks.

5. The Butterfly Effect 2

Sequel to: The Butterfly Effect
Plot of Original: Ashton Kucher can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.

Plot of sequel: Some other dude can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.

WTF: Depending on which ending you saw, this sequel could've been needed, or just be another one where the main character is dead so someone else takes over. One ending, the kind of happy ending, has Ashton going back and telling the girl that he loves he's gonna kill her, so she doesn't get involved with his life and lives happily ever after. The other had Ashton going back to when he was fetus and strangling himself with his umbilical cord. Seriously. So, if we stuck with the sort of happy ending, Ashton (or at least his character) could still be "Oh no I'm time traveling! AGAIN!" But apparently the film makers went with the depressing ending and gave the time traveling ability to some other guy, randomly. I could get into the time travel geekery and explain how the sequel could've filled in a bunch of plot holes from the original but I'll spare you all.

6. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj

Sequel to: National Lampoon's Van Wilder
Plot of Original: Van Wilder loves parties but decides to be responsible so he can fuck Tara Reid (Like that's a hard task). Then a dude shits in a garbage can.

Plot of Sequel: Van Wilders ethnic stereotype friend Taj goes to London and turns a bunch of nerds into super party studs.

WTF: That sounds like a combination of "Revenge of the Nerds" and "The House Bunny", except House Bunny came out like two years after "Taj", so weird. Anyway, how you gonna name a movie "Van Wilder" and not even have the fucking character in the movie? Like Van Wilder is the new National Lampoon now or something. And was Taj really that popular he needed his own movie? "Yes, let's flesh out the Indian stereotype. It'd be hilarious to watch him speak in a stilted accent for two hours. Yes...yes." Of course as of lately, the National Lampoon name has been attached to a bunch of weird shitty movies so maybe there will be a line of "Van Wilder" movies, where the next one we focus on the dog with the big nuts. Speaking of attaching names to bad sequels...

7. The "American Pie Presents..." Series

Sequel to: The Original American Pie Trilogy
Plot of Original(s): Jason Biggs is awkward at sex. He eventually fucks, then marries, the hottest band geek in the world. Thanks to his horny friends, hilarty ensues at the expense of Eugene Levy.

Plot of Sequels: One of them was called The Naked Mile where hot college students ran around naked for half the movie and Eugene Levy was there for some reason. Another one took place at the infamous band camp where horny teenagers tried to have sex with their instruments or something. And Eugene Levy returns for some reason.

WTF: Many people probably thing "American Pie 2" and "American Wedding" wasn't needed, but at least they featured all the same actors and characters and I must admit are pretty funny movies. But then the only person left is simply called "Jim's Dad" and you throw in a bunch of nobodies and go "Eh, let's just say this is an American Pie movie. No one will notice", that's fuckin' retarded. At least focus on Stiffler and not his little brother (who did appear in one of them, don't ask me which I really don't care.)

8. White Noise 2

Sequel to: White Noise
Plot of Original: Michael Keaton hears dead people.

Plot of Sequel: Some other guy hears dead people.

WTF: Seriously. This is in league with "Hollow Man 2" and "Butterfly Effect 2". And even worse is, if I recall correctly, the original "White Noise" wasn't even good and didn't do well. So, what? The movie guys thought it was Michael Keaton's fault and figured if they get rid of him, the movie will be good?

9. Baby Geniuses 2: Super Babies

Sequel to: Baby Beniuses
Plot of Original: Babies can talk and do thinks like adults can. Hilarity ensues.

Plot of Sequel: Some babies...oh who cares.

WTF: Really? That's all I gotta say. Really?

10. Lawnmower Man 2

Sequel to: The Lawnmower Man
Plot of Original: Scientist Pierce Bronsan invents some virtual reality thing that also makes people smarter. Enter Job, a "special" landscaper who Pierce instantly exploits and not only makes him smarter but hot also. Eventually, Job goes crazy and tries to kill people...THROUGH VIRTUAL REALITY!

Plot of Sequel: I seen it. But...I have no idea what was going on. Job was in the computer? He was trying to take over the world? I dunno.

WTF: Remember the big virtual reality craze in the '90's? Eventually it died down. Then Lawnmower Man 2 was made. So on several levels this movie didn't need to be made. What's even odder is the dude who played Job, Jeff Fahey, was replaced by Matt Frewer, who you may know as the neighbor from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" and more importantly "Max Headroom". And even more interesting enough the Stephen King story this is based on, doesn't feature anything about virtual reality or computers or "simple" people. It's about a crazy lawnmower man terrorizing a family. And he actually eats grass like a lawnmower. Now THAT I would pay to see.

11. Daddy Day Camp

Sequel to: Daddy Day Care
Plot of Original: This is wacky! Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin are fathers! And men! And men/fathers can't take care of kids! So what do we do? Let's have fathers/men take care of kids! LOTS AND LOTS OF KIDS!! Hijinks, come ensuing!

Plot of Sequel: Now this is wacky! Cuba Gooding, Jr and...some other guys run a camp! Full of kids! WHA??

WTF: If Eddie Murphy won't star in it, you know it'll be bad.

12. Speed 2: Cruise Control

Sequel to: Speed
Plot of Original: A bus carrying a bomb must be stopped before it goes under 50 m.p.h! And only Keanu Reeves can stop it! With some help from Sandra Bullock.

Plot of Sequel: Sandra Bullock breaks up with Keanu and decides to go on a cruise to relax. Some terrorist put a bomb on the ship. Many "Do I have the worst luck or what" jokes ensue.

WTF: If Keanu won't star in it...