Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Day 30: 30 Days of Night

Well, here we are. Day 30. I missed a total of 3 days, two cause of emergencies and one cause I'm a lazy mofo. Did I get everything accomplished? Kinda. I'm still short three "Supernatural" episodes and I didn't do my "24 hours of Horror" that I wanted to do. But this probably won't be the last time I'll do this. And next time, as I learned, I should maybe get some outside help, so I don't burn myself out like that. Why that didn't occur to me, I don't know.

Anyway. "30 Days of Night". Stars Josh Hartnett, who is totally out of his element here. He plays a sheriff in a small Alaskian town and he just doesn't look too authoritive to me. He's more like a deputy maybe. Or the sheriff's brother. But not the sheriff.

The basic gist of this movie is vampires run amok in a town that has nothing but darkness for 30 days straight. On top of that, they make sure their "food" (AKA people) don't go anywhere by buring their cellphones, killin sled dogs, trashing helicopters, and closing airports early. Once night finally sets, the vampires attack and either the townspeople are lunch or are turned into vampires. So it's up to Josh, his retarded brother, his estranged wife, and some other people we shouldn't care about cause they're not the stars, to survive until the sun comes up on the 30th day.

Umm...I gotta be careful how I say this next part. Ok. I think I need to see this again, but "on a different type of DVD". Cause "the angles were slanted" and I didn't notice until "DAY 18" that days were in fact flying by. I thought everything that was happening thus far was all in the same day.

With that said, I feel I can't truly judge this movie. As of right now I think it sucked. The ending was really depressing and if you think about it, the vampires kinda won. I do have this horrible feeling there's gonna be a sequel though.

Throughout the "set up", if you will, I had a feeling every little thing that was shown to us was gonna be important. Josh having asthma (tho, it wasn't as stupid as in "Signs"), some piece of equipment in some building that I couldn't make out that could tear off your arm in .00001 seconds, and the little brother being retarded.

And I'm gonna kinda ruin the ending cause it bugged me. So Josh's estranged wife is trapped under a truck and the vampires are surrounding her. On top of that, they lit the town on fire. Josh realizes there's no way to save her so...I swear to God...he purposely transforms into a vampire.

I have issues with this. Let's make a list shall we?

-All up until now, when a person gets transformed, the transformation takes anywhere from 1 minute to 10 minutes. Josh, he doesn't transform at all, yet he's still a vampire cause he can smell blood and burns up when the sun comes up.
-After transforming into a vampire, he goes up to the group of vampires and they're about to attack him anyway. So he kicks the leader's ass in a fight scene that goes on a bit too long, until Josh does something (yet again "weird angle"coughcough) and the head vampire dies. The other vampires are like "Eh, whatever" and just walk away. Um...why did Josh need to be a vampire to do this? If all he was gonna do was punch the shit out of them? Pointless.
-The way he was transformed. He recently killed his friend who was transforming. So he grabbed a hypodermic needle, pulled some of his dead vampire friend's blood, and injected himself with that. This turned him into a vampire. Then again, if he pulled it out of a half human half vampire, maybe that's how he didn't transform? But wouldn't he be like "Blade"? Shit, this movie makes no god damn sense.

Anyway, like I said, I SHOULD see it again "differently" (Do you get what I'm trying to say?), but I wasn't too impressed, which sucks cause the idea is pretty cool. Maybe if it didn't start stupid Josh Hartnet. You know who we needed? Mothafuckin' Bruce Campbell! Fuck yeah!!

I could end it here, but I'm determined to finish off "Supernatural". So after that, I'm done.
-Jason

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Suck

I wish I could say something that was an actual excuse but I don't. See, at work there was this promotional thing going on and they worked me to death. So when I got home...I fell asleep. So I didn't get to watch anything today. Sucks cause it's almost freakin' over. Hopefully tomorrow I can try to get to everything in one day, in which I totally burn myself out, then it'll be done with.

I apologize, dear reader.

In the meantime, somebody over at Television Without Pity got banned cause of me so I wanna give my apologizes to whoever that was, and feel free to post here. I won't ban for stupid reasons.
-Jason

Monday, April 28, 2008

Day 28: Trilogy of Terror

According to the Netflix sleeve, "Trilogy of Terror" was a TV Movie that aired in the 70's, 1975 to be exact. The premise was just three short "scary" stories, with each story not related to the other. I kinda like movies like this, including "Creepshow" 1 & 2 and "Twilight Zone: The Movie". I think I like 'em cause it gets to the scary stuff right away without taking 45 minutes (or in exaggeration terms, 300 years) to explain every single thing that's gonna happen. While I like this, there is also a downside, which is cause they're working on a shorter timeframe, they have to spring stuff on us all suddenly.

A good example is the first story "Julie", which is about a nerdy looking college teacher and one of her students. The student, male, suddenly falls in love with the teacher and asks her out on a date. Julie, the teacher, goes "Oh I don't think-ok!". On said date, dude puts some kind of powdery drug in her drink. Let's think, this was '75, what drug could this have been? Maybe Spanish Fly? Anyway, the drug does it's thing and Julie passes out. Dude gets a hotel room and takes nude pictures of Julie, and probably does other things but we don't see cause this aired on TV and THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

The next day/week/whatever, Dude calls Julie, who gets a creepy vibe and decides to distance herself, and he more or less blackmails her into dating him. Here's one example on how the shorten time ruins it. Apparently we jump ahead to a month later and according to her hot roommate, Julie's been out late every night for the past month. And one scene, we see Dude pass Julie a note saying to go to his apartment, cause he's having friends over. NONE of this is explained. Is he trickin' her out, like the ending of "Requiem For A Dream"? (ASS TO ASS!) Is she just dancing all nerdy? It's not explained and this is one thing I wouldn't mind having explained.

And the second bad thing is we have to wrap up the story and it has to happen NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW!!!! So we see Julie at Dude's house and he's walking around all cocky with his shirt open and suddenly Julie just gets up and is like "Ok, I'm done" and reveals that she has weird mind powers and she made Dude fall in love and do all this unseen freaky shit to her WITH HER MIND!!! Then, WITH HER MIND, she kills him. After buring his place and it being declared an accident, she starts anew with another student.

Next story is really just odd and not really that scary. Well, I suppose the first one wasn't scary, just mildly creepy. This one isn't even creepy. And you can forsee the whole thing from the first 5 minutes. We focus on a uptight nerdy chick stuck in the 1800's, or is Amish it wasn't made too clear, who complains about her slutty "sister" and how she's evil and the devil and stuff. Nerdy Chick calls a doctor, played by Punky Brewster's Dad (And the Commandant in Police Academy) and complains about her "sister" to him, and he says he'll be over first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow we meet the "sister" who is in fact slutty. She's hitting on the doctor, who's like "You are gonna ruin yourself" and other stuff. Slutty Chick is like "Get out!" and she starts pounding on a door saying "Come out Geeky Sister!" but we dont' see Geeky Sister. Gee...I wonder!

Well...yes. Geeky Chick and Slutty Chick is the same person. Geeky Chick (or maybe Slutty Chick, who know?) has multiple personalites and the doctor knows this. Apparently, no one else does cause while being Slutty Chick, she broke some random kid's doll and the kid said it was Nerdy Chick's sister. I wonder if it's that much of a secret or the entire town plays along. Hm.

Anyway, Nerdy Chick decides to kill Slutty Chick using voodoo but since they're the same person, she dies, the end. Oh and while she was Slutty Chick, she got it on with her father. Now The End.

Now it's time for the most famous story from this TV movie, probably because those first two sucked so damn hard. It features a chick (notcing a theme here? I'll explain in a minute) buying some possessed doll, the doll comes to life, and starts attacking the shit out of her. That is pretty much the whole thing, but it is the coolest out of the three cause, like I mentioned, it doesn't suck ass. Eventually, the chick throws the doll into the oven with her steak (Yum steak) and since the "body" is now burnt, the soul must go into something so it goes...INTO THE STEAK!! AHH THE STEAK HAS A KNIFE AND IT'S GONNA POUR A-1 SAUCE ALL OVER YOU!!!

Ok no. That would've been ultra cool. Instead it possesses chick and it's about to attack her boyfriend. The end.

Ok so, the reason all three involve chicks is cause all three feature the same actress, Karen Black, who I always get confused with Karen Allen, even though they really don't look or act the same. This made story 1 and 2 weirder cause she's suppose to be nerdy looking in both and it looks like they didn't try too hard to distiguish the two characters. Both had hair in a bun. Both wore glasses. Both dressed like they were from another time period. I'm willing to bet this confused the people in the '70's.

"Dude, it's the same chick! She's gonna kill Punky Brewster's Dad with her mind!!"
"Dude, Punky Brewster won't be around for another 7 years or so."
"Oh...dude."

Anyway, just skip to the third story, unless you wanna see Karen Black's clevage, which she shows to Punky Brewster's Dad in Story 2. Then just look at that and go to the third story. I want to go on and on about why the first story is dumb and how many plotholes it has but it might take too long...

Aw fuck it.

Ok, so the entire time, Julie planned EVERYTHING with her psychic ablilities, including the drugging part. So she thought it'd be a good idea to get druged and actually knocked out just so she could have fun with her latest boy toy? And how is it she hasn't gotten caught yet? Did she just psyhically kill any cops or investigators that asked her any question?

"Julie, we wanna know how you know-"
*Mind power*
"Ack, my brain just exploded."

Like I said, there's an upside and a downside to these short anthology movies.


Story 1:


Story 2:


Story 3:

-Jason

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Day 27: Supernatural-Provenance

So today's the day I'm gonna pick on the backstory stuff that goes on during this show cause this episode a typical "Ghost kills people, Sam & Dean stop them" thing, with a new twist which is Sam meets a super hot ass chick and he falls in love for the first time since his last girlfriend died a firey death" episode, which I'll get into, but first...

Ok in the first episode we see that The Winchester Mom died a firey death and Papa Winchester decides to devote his whole life to hunting the thing that killed her and ridding the world of evil spirits and demons. As we saw in "Something Wicked", he did in fact drag his kids around everywhere he went hunting these things.

We find out in this episode, when Sam makes it clear, they don't get paid to do this crap. So...how are they making their money?

Yeah, we see Dean hustle his way through darts and pool and whatnot, but what about Poppa? Was he a hustler also? Did he somehow get paid to hunt ghosts? Or, the most realistic answer I can some up with, did Mom have a kickass life insurance policy, which meant The Winchesters were subjected to a bunch of investigations before it being declared an accident.

See I wonder cause we also know that Adult Sam did join up with Dean and Father until he got sick of the whole thing and wanted a normal life, so after a fight he stormed off and went off to college, while Dean and Dad continued hunting. And Dean drives some kind of classic car that I can't identify cause I'm not a car person (Supernatural Geeks, this is your time to shine), so how in the hell did they get the money to afford college (at a pretty fancy school) and a classic car? Plus hotels aren't cheap, but we also find out in "Something Wicked" Dean has a stash of stolen credit cards that somehow weren't reported stolen.

I could go the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" route and say it's just a show and I should relax, but all of this really does bother me. Maybe we'll get some more backstory in later seasons, like maybe The Winchesters are actually wealthy and Daddy owns like 4 major corporations or something and decides to hunt ghosts to keep himself occupied, kinda like Hart to Hart. ("This is Mr. W! He's swell!")

Ok, so "Provenance". They picked an odd title for this episode. A provenance, as explained in the episode, is a thing that shows the history of a painting, or any type of art thing. While it did have a role in this episode, I dunno why they chose it. I've would've picked "Razor'd" or something, since the ghost kills people with a straight razor.

The ghost haunts this creepy ass painting and any owner of the painting ends up murdered. Sam & Dean track it down and meet this super hot ass chick that runs this auction house. Sam, who minored in Art History in college (College: The Plot Device For Any TV Show & Movie Since 1920), shows off in front of hot chick.



Eventually they figure out the painting is haunted and try to burn it but it rescurrects itself. Then they find out the history of the family in the painting and learn the dad went nuts and killed everyone in the family. While they were investigating, the painting got sold to this boring woman who could probably play Mary Worth in a live action adaptation (I been reading a lot of The Comics Curmudgeon, in case you were wondering where THAT came from) and Mary gets killed.

Eventually Sam comes clean to hot chick about what they do and she accepts this and tags along for the rest of the episode, which was kind of neat. I hoped she would decide to give up her auctioning days and tag around, but Sam gets all emo and goes "no, any girl in this show is either evil or ends up dead" cause of me and pushes her away, which makes Sam a fucking idiot. I mean she's hot!



Anyway, hot chick encounters her first ghost, who turns out NOT to be the father but the ADOPTED daughter cause she's a crazy bitch, and Dean manages to burn her human remains in time before Sam's speech about women in his life dying comes true. And sadly, she doesn't come along for the ghostly road trip but waits there for Sam to finish his little ghost busting tour. The episode ends of Sam and hot chick making out.

That chick was hot. That's about all I gotta say.
-Jason

4 Days Left...

Man, what a month.

When I planned this, I thought "Fuck yeah! Everyday! A new movie! And "Supernatural"! No way will anything get in the way of me watching and posting every day!!

Well, not only did I not count on two family emergencies, I also forgot that I'm a lazy motherfucker. Like that whole thing last weekend where I was suppose to watch 24 hours of movies didn't go as planned. And now today it feels like I'm coming down with a cold or something. All I wanna do is just go back to bed but for various reasons I can't. Yet, I don't feel up to writing extensive reviews on the movies I had planned for today. It was either gonna be the compare and contrast of both "Hills Have Eyes" movies, or a review of the super shitty Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.

However, I do feel bad for you readers (all 3 of you) which is why I been trying to at least tweak out a Supernatural review, especially since, like I mentioned last night, some of the shows fans made their way here from the TWOP forums (even though none of them answered my question about the episode "The Benders").

So here's what's gonna happen. There's 4 days left in the month, and four episodes left of Season 1 of "Supernatural" that I have to get through. So I'll probably just do one episode a day now. And I swear I'll do the last three movies I promised I'll get to. Sorry for flaking out on everyone, especially to those of you who look forward to my witty, sarcastic, curse-word laden, nudity pics-havin' reviews. I will get to the compare and contrast AND the shitty remake review in due time.

And I guess I'll mention this here since I'm doing a news update post. I plan on taking most, if not all of, the month of May off, since doing a post every day does wear a fellow out. Most likely the burn out will fade in the middle of the month and I'll try to get to all the stuff I missed.

And the reason why I subjected myself to a month of horror is gonna become clear in June when I review a certain type of movie. It's only three movies, but my god are they ever gonna take a lot of strength to get through. I won't reveal what they are now (feel free to guess) yet, but when I reveal what they are, well...may god as mercy on my soul.
-Jason

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Day 26: Supernatural-Hell House & Something Wicked

While looking over at the forums at TWOP, I see that "Hell House" is a popular episode. I think I see why, it's probably the funniest so far out of Season 1. We got two lame "paranormal experts" named Speigler and Veitman who think they're all that. And we got a prank war brewing between Sam & Dean.

And the ghost is pretty cool. The Hell House was just a fake jokey scary thing thought up by some dude and his super hot ass cousin and they trick people into going into the house to do stuff and get the crap scared out of them. The two wannabe ghost hunters pick up on this and think Hell House is real and post all this stuff about the dude that use to live in the house. The ghost's identity and M.O keeps changing and Sam figures out why.

The ghost is just a collective idea bought to life. If enough people believe something is real, it will become real. And plus some weird Tibetan symbol is painted on the wall, which also bought it to life. So how do you kill an idea? And what about our two wannabes? I recommend checking this episode out to find out.

"Something Wicked" gets back on the serious train when a bunch of kids in a small town get sick all at the same time. After some investigating, they find out they're dealing with a witch-like being that sucks out the souls of childrens and uses them to live forever.

Dean tells us through a series of flashbacks that they all met one of these back in the day. One tried to suck out Sam's soul but Daddy showed up just in time to get rid of it, but not kill it. So Dean blames himself for all these kids getting soul sucked and feels he has to be the one to bring it down!

So with the help of a kid in the hotel they're staying in, they lure the witch thing, which disguised itself has a local doctor, who just happened to live for almost 200 years and Dean gets his revenge. After a "AWWWW!" ending, it's back to the road.

Yay! I only got 4 more episodes left of season 1. This time next week, Bill will be happily reunited with his Season 1 set. What he'll do with it...I rather not think about.
-Jason

Friday, April 25, 2008

Day 25: The Tripper

"The Tripper" is directed and co-written by David Arquette, the weird guy married to Courtney Cox. I should've known that this movie would be a bit strange. Not cause it features a killer who dresses up, and even acts and talks like, Ronald Reagan. I knew that going into the movie.

See, the entire movie focuses around some concert in the middle of the forest where people go, listen to music, and get high off their asses. And that's fine, but we get P.O.V shots of these people as their tripping balls and it's all, well, trippy. Now that I think about it, that's probably where the title comes from. This movie is indeed a "tripper".

Not to sound lazy, but there's not much to know about this movie. There's modern day hippies. Rednecks who hate hippies. And a killer dressed as Reagan killing said hippies. I could go into the backstory but it's really not that interesting. You should just watch this movie cause it's about a Reagan serial killer.

And the cast is awesome. Jason "Jay" Mewes, oddly enough making his second apperance this month. Paul "Pee Wee" Ruebens, saying "fuck" a lot. Tom "Thomas" Jane as a no-nonsense cop who don't understand these hippies but leaves them alone anyway. Jamie "She's hot" King as the main chick in distress.

And I will give David Arquette some credit, he threw me for a loop. I thought I saw the ending coming but nope, there's no twist. It's all straightforward. I'm use to horror movies going like "Oh we'll have you think it's this person, but it's really this other person that we introduced for all of 5 seconds at the beginning of the movie and that person who you thought was the killer is really just misunderstood." Instead we get "This is the killer. Here's a guy, but he's now dead by the killer. Better run, bitch!", which is awesome.

And this movie is worth it to see Paul Ruebens hide in some shit. I can't tell you, just get the movie adn watch. He hides in shit. Seriously.

Well, played Mr. Arquette. Well played.

-Jason

Supernatural: The Benders & Shadows

Since I started writing about season 1 of "Supernatural" I noticed that I've been getting some traffic from the fine folks over at Television Without Pity, especially from the "Supernatural" board. So if any of you guys are reading this, I'd like to know something:
Is "The Benders" the least favorite episode among it's fans?

I ask cause (spoiler alert) THERE'S NOTHING SUPERNATURAL ABOUT THIS EPISODE!

It's about a family of rednecks kidnapping totally random people, locking them in cages, then letting them go so they can hunt and kill them. That's it. The rednecks aren't possessed or are vampires or anything. True, they're pretty creepy and this was a creepy episodes but creepy does not equal "supernatural".

I dunno what everyone involved with this episode were thinking. Did the writers have this conversation:
Writer #1: So what ghost/monster should The Winchesters fight today?
(Silence)
Writer #2: I just got done watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". Maybe they can meet Leatherface.
Writer #1: Nah, copyright issues. We have a hard enough time paying for all the great classic rock songs that show up in each episode.
Writer #3: I just got done reading "The Most Dangerous Game".
Writer #1: Hmm...how about if we combine the two??
Writer #2: So Leatherface hunts for people in a forest?
Writer #1: Forget about Leatherface!! Just make it a random creepy family.
Writer #4: OOH! Netflix just delievered "Deliverance".
Writer #1: Excellent! A creepy REDNECK family!! Get to writin!
Writer #2: But...where's the ghosts and/or monster?
Writer #1: Christ, aren't you sick of monsters? I dunno what I was thinking when I took this job. Monsters are boring. Besides, I'm sure the fans will like this episode. It's different. It's edgy.
Writer #2: Ok...

Just a guess.

Thankfully "Shadows" came along and now we're drowing in actual supernatural crap. Some shadow demon is killing people and Dean and Sam investigate. Sam runs into that hitchhiker chick from a few episodes back that turned out to be Satan's daughter or girlfriend or something and he finally realizes this. He confirms this when he sees her doing weird witchcraft stuff, summoning demons.

Sam & Dean go into action but are almost immedately captured by Hitchhiker Girl. She tries to rape Sam in front of Dean, but Sam realizes how creepy that is and instead stabs a bitch. After knocking over her evil altar, the demons attack her, killing her.

OR SO WE THINK!!!! She's Satan's daughter and/or girlfriend! There's no killing her, fool!!

We also get a highly emotional reunion between father and son(s) and it goes on not too long so it crosses into "Lifetime" territory, but it was still quite long. It's then we find out that father and sons have to be seperated or else the demons will eat their souls or something, so father takes off, leaving Sam & Dean to tackle...something next week.

Oh and all this took place in Chicago by the way. I can't confirm if it was actually filmed there or not, they didn't film near any landmarks or anything. But seeing this is a TV show, it was probably Vancouver or something.

So anyway, I'm serious you guys from TWOP, let me know what you think. I believe I have the settings set to where you don't need a Blogger ID to leave a comment. But I do moderate all comments, so no assholish behavior, ok?
-Jason

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Sorry Again

The same family emergency popped up again tonight. So far everything's ok again so I should have something done tomorrow.
-Jason

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Day 23: Saw 4 (With a Hint of Saw 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON SAW 3:
Jigsaw is dying. A doctor is kidnapped. She has to save Jigsaw. She doesn't, she dies. He dies. There shouldn't have been a Saw 4 but guess what?

Now on to SAW 4:
Ugh. It's annoying. I think the only people who watch these movies are the same groups of people that watch those shows on Discovery or whatever about medical proceedures or autopsy's or something. Hell the first 10 minutes was an autopsy.

Anyway, blah blah blah he's dead but his "lessons" will go on. We get ten thousand stories of all the people that Jigsaw are presently victiminizing but this is all really happening the past. We learn that a car accident made Jigsaw go insane, which is bullshit cause I was in a car accident and I didn't become a serial killer. There's a twist ending of course and we're forewarned for 200 more sequels to come.

In other words, it sucked.
(Blogger Images don't wanna work right now so...)
ZERO STARS!
-Jason

PS: I think I make a better Jigsaw movie:

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Family Emergency

Hey all.

There was a family emergency I had to tend to, so I couldn't get to a movie or "Supernatural" tonight. If all's well tomorrow, I'll pick up them.

I'll keep you informed.
-Jason

Monday, April 21, 2008

Day 21: I Am Legend

Dude! Another movie with zombie dogs! Too bad this movie is mediocre at best.

So Will Smith is the last human survivor of some virus outbreak that killed 90 billion people, or turned them into zombies.

Ok, here's another way of putting this. It's "Cast Away" meets "28 Days Laters". Substitute Tom Hanks with Will Smith. Substitute Wilson the Volleyball with Sam the Dog, and instead of finding ways off an island, he's gotta find a cure for this disease.

And the more we watch, the more bonkers he gets. He starts talking to manniquins like they're people on the street. Then again if I was by myself for 1000 days (yes, we pick up right on the thousandth day) I'd probably be talking to trees myself.

One part that wasn't explained was when one of his manniquin friends named Fred appears suddenly in the street, Will freaks out and guns him down, then stepping into a trap, where he's hung upside down all day. So who set the trap? Will, but he forgot? The zombies? I dunno, it's not explored too much.

Eventually, Will meets Ana, a kinda hot chick from some other country and a kid named Ethan. Will acts like a total dick to them, even making fun of her religion (I'm serious). But soon enough the zombies attack the house and I knew the movie was finally about to end. Whenever the central location we been at for half the movie is getting blown the fuck up, you know the movie is almost over. Keep that in mind.

When the humans hide out in Will's lab, they find that one of Will's test patients is slowly turning back to human. But the zombies are closing in, so she takes some half human, half zombie blood, gives it to Ana, and tells her to go to Vermont, where other survivors might be. Then Will blows himself up.

Wouldn't ya know it? There are survivors in Vermont. If Will wasn't too busy being a dick and left when he was suppose to, he coulda survived but NOOOO! Blah, I wasted too much time on this movie.

My main problem with the movie was the CGI, in that it was too obvious that half the things were totally fake. The deer, the zombies, hell probably even the non-zombie dog. I mean this is a Will Smith movie for cryin' out loud, isn't the budget a bit bigger then this?

And I find out that one of the screenwriters, and producers, is Akvia Goldsmith, who is partly responsible for the mess that is "Batman & Robin". Shudder at that thought, why don't you?

-Jason

Day 20: Supernatural-Nightmare

I only got to one episode today cause I was busy with another project almost the entire day. But I made sure to get this in before the day was over.

This episode deals more with Sam's psychic abilities as he forsees a dude in Michigan getting killed. They arrive too late but just in time to meet Max, the dude's son. They decide to disguise themselves as priests to get some answers, which makes me wonder why they haven't thought of that before. They find out that Max had a unhappy childhood and after Max's uncle gets killed in a strange way, they find out that Max is the killer, but using his psychic ablilities.

Sam & Dean arrive in time before Max kills his step-mom, who he blames for not doing anything to help, and it's revealed that Max's mom died the same exact way as Sam and Dean's mom. Sam thinks it has something to do with psychic kids or something, but not much is made clear about this. Eventually, Max kills himself and the world is less one whiny psychic.

So it appears that they're making Sam some sort of psychic who can forsee people dying in "supernatural" ways. I wonder how they exploit this in the upcoming episodes?
-Jason

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Supernatural: Route 666

In a Very Special Episode of "Supernatural" we deal with a racist ghost and show that inter-racial marriages aren't all that bad!

A ghost appears to be stalking African American dudes and a hot black chick calls Dean to help figure out who killed her dad. Turns out the chick and Dean had a history, but she broke up with him when she found out he hunts ghosts for a living. After some looking, they find out that the people that were killed all had a secret: they killed this racist guy back in the 60's and they covered it up. So now the ghost is getting revenge, in the form of a big black truck. Can Sam & Dean stop a racist ghost? Will Dean and hot black chick get it on one last time? If her mom is white, why does she look 100% black?

This was a pretty good episode, slightly going back on track after the whole "daddy issue" arc we've been getting. But I'm sure before I'm done with season 1, there will be more stories involving Dad, and the ghosts n stuff will take a back seat.
-Jason

Saturday, April 19, 2008

# 5, 6, & 7: The Evil Dead Series

Oddly enough, back in the day, I saw the series out of order. I saw 2, "Army of Darkness" then The Evil Dead. And apparently it was ok, since 2 is basically just a remake of the first.

In the first, five friends drive up to a secluded cabin for a weekend. They stumble upon a tape recorder that has some evil spells on it, which awakens the evil dead. Soon, most of the people are possessed and the dead arise and raise some hell. Soon, Ash (Bruce Friggin Awesome Campbell) is the only one left as he battles the evil on his own.

In Part 2, Ash and his girlfriend go to the same cabin and almost immedately, everything from the first happens, including his girlfriend getting possessed and dying within the first ten minutes. The rest of the movie Ash battles with the evil, which takes control of his right hand, so he's forced to cut it off. Eventually, a group shows up, one of which is looking for her father. They believe Ash killed him but after playing back the tape recorder they learn the truth and soon everyone is possessed. The daughter manages to open a worm hole to send the evil back but Ash (and his car) get sucked into it and they land in the 1300's.

Army of Darkness picks right up there, with the "primative screwheads" thinking Ash works for an enemy camp so they throw him into a pit full of undead demons. Ash proves he's a badass by taking care of the pit. Soon, he asks for a way home and the wiseman says he needs to get the book of the dead in order to send him home. Ash goes on a journey, meets his evil twin, and he gets the book. But since he didn't say the words right, the army of the dead arise and want the book back, so it's up to Ash to teach the screwheads how to fight them with medevil armor and some 20th century technology.

Progressively, each movie got goofier and goofier as it goes on, with Army of Darkness full of many one liners. So I'll break it down like this:

If you want a real creepy scary ass movie, get The Evil Dead.
If you want a mildly creepy movie with some laughs, get Evil Dead 2.
If you just wanna hear all the great Bruce Campbell one liners, get Army of Darkness.

Groovy.

-Jason

#4: Resident Evil

What is it about video games and zombies? First there's "House of the Dead", then to some extent "Silent Hill", now we got "Resident Evil". Probably out of the three, this one was pretty good. And just so you know, I never played any of the games. None. So I'm sure there were a bunch of "in references", like with "Silent Hill" that I didn't get. But don't matter cause I liked this movie.

And I liked this movie for one reason: zombie dogs.

I've always wanted to see a movie with zombie dogs cause it's such a brilliant idea. Dogs, on a whole, aren't that intelligent, so when they're zombified, they're stupid AND hungry for human flesh. There totally needs to be a movie with zombie animals. Zombie cats, monkeys, donkeys, elephants, the whole works. Any aspiring screenwriters out there, the idea's yours.

And I'm surprised how much skin we see of Milla whatever. We see a lot of nips, and at one point her va-jay-jay. If only more model/actresses were as open as her, the world would be a better place.

The plot? Some virus effects some building and a bunch of people go in to investigate. There's a homicidal computer, kinda like HAL, but not appearing in a boring ass movie. Soon, all the dead people in the building become undead as a result of this virus and everyone has to make their way out. Simple as that.

Oh and there's a dude that totally looks like a combination of Dane Cook and Disher from "Monk". I just wanted to point him out cause towards the end of the film, he got to cop a feel from Michelle Rodriguez, whom I'm sure kicked his ass once filming was done. Or she had a drink and decided to go for a drive. Whichever.

Stuff I Liked:
-Milla appearing naked throughout half the film.
-Zombie fuckin' dogs!
-A crazy computer that isn't HAL.
-And said computer speaking as a little girl with an English accent. Something pretty unsettling about that.

Well, now that I got this one out of the way, I can finally see the ten thousand sequels that are coming out now.

-Jason

#3: House on Haunted Hill

While planning the "30 Days of Horror" I knew I had to do some Vincent Price films. I got two more coming up later today, but here we got the classic.

Vincent and his wife invite 5 strangers to this big haunted house and if they all can stay the night and live, they'll get $10,000. Soon, the drunk guy goes on and on about how haunted the place is and how many people died there and soon, they're all gonna die. Nora starts going to pieces when she sees a creepy ass lady zoom her away across the room and old dead heads (not Grateful Dead fans, actual DEAD heads) start popping up in her room. When Vincent's wife is found hung in the hallway, everyone declares that it was murder, not suicide.

I know I'm known to give away all the endings and twists but you either know them all yourself, or wanna find out on your own. I'll just say that there are maybe three twists at the end.

What I Liked:
-The creepy blind old lady and the way she suddenly appeared and zoomed out of shot.
-The way Vincent Price talked. He could read the phone book and upon hearing the words "ABC Dry Cleaners 1578 Indianapolis Blvd" I'd probably shit my pants in fear.
-How I randomly chose three films that take place in one setting, with the characters stuck there and forced to stay until they battle whatever is keeping them there.

What else can I say? Except screw the remake from the late 90's and just watch this classic. Oh and I should point out this was directed by William Castle, who deserves his own posting.

-Jason

#2: Zombie

Also known as "Zombi 2", this is a classic zombie film from Italian director Lucio Fulci. Almost everyone who knows something about horror, or at least zombie films, know this movie. Accordingly, this started production before "Dawn of the Dead" so when they found out about this, they added the beginning and the end that have to do with New York City and zombies slowly showing up in the city.

The main story involves a woman looking for her father. When the father's boat shows up in NYC harbor with a zombie on it, she gets curious. A newspaper reporter also gets curious and tags along with the woman to fly to an island to find her father. There, they, along with a couple that owns a boat, find the island to be overrun with the undead! And they meet a doctor who's looking for a reason why it's happening, even though the locals say they know why: voodoo!

Oh voodoo! Is there anything you don't do?

Stuff I liked:
-Two words: topless scubadiving!
-Three more words: Zombie shark fight
-The famous scene with the chick being slowly pulled onto the jagged piece of wood going closer to her eye is indeed a shudder inducing moment.
-The fact that it seems like this movie tried to explain the events in the "Of The Dead" series.

A few annoying things include the fact that all the characters shoot the zombies in the chest or stomache first before aiming for the head, even though they know that's the only way to kill them. The whole thing with the doctor's wife was a bit unessessary, she was only there for the eye-poking scene. And finally, was it voodoo? And if so, who did the voodoo that they do so well to cause it all to happen?

Ah, I shouldn't be asking myself such stupid questions. I did enjoy the movie and I'm glad I finally got around to see it.

-Jason

#1: Feast

I remember watching two episodes of the third season of "Project Greenlight", the first episode and one somewhere in the middle. The one in the middle was about a big controversy over casting. The director is John Gulager, who's father is famed veteran actor Clu Gulagar. John casted his father as the Bartender, and got John's wife to be a minor character. The rest of the actors in the movie were all up in arms over this and thought it shoulda went to people NOT related to the director. I guess what they don't realize is Hollywood does this thing all the time.

But whatever. "Feast" is a kickass movie. It's about a family of monsters attacking a bar in the desert somewhere and one by one the patrons of the bar get killed. It features that dude with the hats from "30 Rock", Jason "Jay" Mewes, and Henry Rollin as a motivional speaker. There are some hot chicks but we don't see any tits. I guess Ben Affleck is a prude.

The best scenes:
-When the characters are introduced and the screen freezes and we get a little bio and life expentancy, which always seem to lie.
-Any scene where a character gets killed or eaten cause it's just pure chaos
-When they trapped one of the monsters "Nards" in a doorframe and the new heroine chick chops it off.
-The fake out "fake out" ending.
-The fact that I recognized more then half the cast but reading other reviews, people didn't seem to mention them at all.
-Finally, the fact that the dude named "Hero" gets chomped within 5 minutes of his introduction.

Definately check this out, it's a great time. And don't let the whole "Produced by Ben Affleck" thing scare you. You won't even think about it. Trust me.

-Jason

A Batch of Horror! (Finished)

So I'm done for today. I got a bit tired of just sitting here, staring at my computer for hours at end. But I did get a lot done. I'll pick up where I left off tomorrow. Here's what I got through on the 19th:

Feast
Zombie (AKA Zombi 2)
House on Haunted Hill (Original)
Resident Evil
The Evil Dead Evil Dead 2 & Army of Darkness
Supernatural: Route 666

-Jason

Supernatural: Scarecrow & Faith

"Scarecrow" is one of John Cougar Melloncamps best albums...no wait.

"Scarecrow" was a tad bit dissapointing to me cause the main bulk of the episode was about Sam & Dean's differences and how Sam wants to find their father while Dean is willing to just do whatever Dad tells them to do. After a fight, Sam decides to head to California to find Dad while Dean goes to Indiana to figure out why couples go missing the same time of year every year.

On the way, Sam meets a cute hitchhiker chick who likes Sam's "Screw the family" attitude. With Sam gone, Dean is on his own and he gets into a buttload of trouble. He figures out this town in Indiana sacrifices people to a pagan god, in the shape of a scarecrow (Minor "Jeepers Creepers" rip off here) and with each sacrifice, the towns crops and stuff is good for another year. Dean saves a family that was just about to get sacrificed so the town is forced to use him in the sacrifice. Since it needs to be a guy and a girl, a couple uses their neice for the sacrifice, who wasn't in on this whole deal.

Sam realizes Dean is in trouble so he rushes to help him, leaving hitchhiker girl behind. Sam arrives just in time to save Dean and Neice from the clutches of the Scarecrow, who took the Aunt and Uncle instead. Dean figured out that the scarecrow is being powered by a tree bought over from Europe, so they torch the thing and we're left to assume the town blew itself up.

How strange that I watched this episode right after "Population 436", both having to deal with small towns with deep secrets that involve murder. And I'm gonna be honest and mention that I'm not digging this whole storyline about the family n' stuff. Why do shows have to have a long arc that's boring? I just wanna see two dudes fight ghosts and demons and whatever else, is that so much to ask?

Well, this episode ends with hitchhiker chick hitchhiking and cutting up some creepy dude and using the blood to talk to "her father" who may or may not be Satan. We learn from this that, if this is Satan, he's talking The Winchesters.

"Faith" kinda brings it back out of the arc-y ness and has Dean zapped to hell. He finds out in the hospital that he has some serious heart thing and he's gonna die in 2 weeks. Sam is like "HELL NO! You're not leaving the show, Dude Who Plays Dean!" so he drags Dean to one of those faith healer guys that put their hands on people's heads and suddenly they're cured. When Dean mouths off, the faith healer picks him and lo and behold, Dean really is cured! His heart problem went away!

So after some investigating, cause Dean had a bad feeling, he found out that some dude died of a heart thing the same time he was healed, which means the faith healer is killing random people while saving certain people. Well, it appeared to be random, but Sam finds out that the people that die are deemed "immoral" and unworthy of living, so the faith healer has them killed.

And Dean finds out that the faith healer somehow got A reaper, not THE reaper, to do his dirty work. They look into that and find out that the healer does some spell that makes the reaper do whatever. Sam & Dean then figure out it's really the healer's wife doing all this cause she didn't want her husband to die, so she came up with this spell to save him and since then...uh...she just liked it? Well, probably wanted to get rid of these immoral people, so she kept using this power.

Sam eventually breaks the spell before the reaper can kill Dean, who was the new target, and the reaper gets revenge by killing the wife. The whole thing gets a tad bit depressing cause this one girl Layla, who has a brain tumor, was suppose to get healed next but since Sam zapped the power, she's gonna die now, which bugs Dean a whole lot but whatever, it's the end of the episode.

This one was a bit better out of the two I think. Like I said, the story arc thing kinda bugs me. My favorite episodes of "The X-Files" are ones where weird shit happens. I don't get into the ones about Mulder's family or government conspiricies or whatever. And with this, the first 3 discs are done. Three more to go! Woot!
-Jason

Friday, April 18, 2008

Day 18: Population 436

I wonder who writes the little description of the movie on the sleeve at Netflix. Cause they sure have a way for words. They call this movie "a disturbing drama", which if you sit down and think about it, is just a long drawn out way of saying "horror". If I wasn't already 18 days into this, I would go back and call this "30 Days of Disturbing Drama" and wait for the flood of "WTF" emails that's surely to follow.

There's this town in this movie that's like a murderous Mayberry (hell Mayberry might already be murderous, whos to say that Aunt Bee didn't run some kind of illegal "Hostel" type place) and it's up to crack U.S Census Taker Steve to figure out just what in the holy fuck is going on!

See, since the founding of the town way back in the 1800's, the towns population has always stayed at 436 and Steve needs to figure out the how and the why. After much boring investigating full of weird ass townspeople and a creepy vibe since he stepped into town, he comes across a weird numerology thing where if the number is any different then 436 God will get pissed and smite thee or something. So if anybody wonders in and stays just one night, they have to kill a long time resident to make room for said person and force him to stay into town! And if they try to leave, the doctors declare that they have "the fever", which a quick lobotomy will patch it right up.

So Steve is like "Fuck no, I'm not staying here!" and he tries his damndest to get out. He even gets to burn down a building, which made me excited cause something other then creepy acting was happening. Steve tries to escape with a little girl who "has the fever" and a hot chick that he got to fuck one night, but the doctor got to the hot chick so she has to stay.

Steve and little girl manage to escape finally and-

There are two endings, the one tacked on to the film and the alternate ending that's an extra on the DVD.

The tacked on ending:
-Steve and little girl thoughout the movie has been having these nightmares where they see a cross on a rear view mirror, then some little monkey toy, and finally, a semi crashes into them. Well while driving away through town, a cross magically appears on the mirror (I swear to you guys, it just magically appears), the toy shows up out of nowhere, and finally, the truck hits Steve and Little Girl. Back to outside of town and some other dude that use to work with Steve is now trapped into town and we see the burnt truck Steve and Little Girl was riding in go past, as the Sheriff welcome their new town member.

The Alternate Ending:
-Every single thing I wrote up there, except Steve swerves at the last minute and they're ok. We even see the cop talk to Steve's old friend as he welcomes him into town.

I'm a bit torn cause usually "disturbing dramas" have pretty depressing endings with the hero not making it out or whatever, but I found it quite uplifting that someone finally broke the "curse" of being able to leave town and have nothing happen to them.

Then again, when I was watching the alternate ending, they kept in the shot of the tow truck towing the burnt truck Steve was in, so maybe they didn't make it after all? I dunno.

Ok, so I was saving this bit for last. Guess who has a co-star credit in this movie? You'll never guess.

FRED DURST! And he plays a deputy! Who's the best shooter in town! WTF??? This right here is what made me want to see this movie. I'm not sure if Fred appeared in any other movies, but this one...well, he should stick to singing about failed past relationships he was in. He even had a scene where he cried and I kept thinking that maybe he was thinking about whichever chick he was talking about in "Nookie" that broke his heart so much that she took that cookie and stuck it up her-YEAH!

So Fred Durst co-starring as a cop aside, this movie did have a creepy vibe the whole time, so I gotta give it some credit for making me totally uncomfortable, which I'm sure puts us in the movie since Steve was feeling uncomfortable too. The movie got even weirder when we met a family literally locked in a jail cell at the doctor's house who think it's still the 1950's and they're happy to stay like that. The weirdest thing ever was when Steve and Hot Chick was gettin' it on and Fred Durst was there watching. I never wanna look up while I'm getting it on and see Fred Durst just watching me.

Ugh, I got the jibblies now.

-Jason

Day 17: Hatchet

What appealed to me about this movie is the slogan "Old School American Horror" then it says in smaller letters "It's not a sequel, a remake, or based off of a Japanese one". And I was like "YES!" cause all the god damn horror movies that's been out lately are either sequels, remakes, or based from a horror movie from Japan. So some AMERICAN dude (GET THIS!) made up his OWN STORY! WOW!!

Now granted, it's a slasher flick. Every slasher flick is pretty much the same thing. What makes each one different is who the killer is or how the killer preys on his victims or whatever. This one does follow the whole "the killer is an ugly twisted freak who was picked on so many times so now he haunts this area and kills anyone that shows up" trend. But I still thought it was awesome.

The plot revolves around Ben, who was recently dumped by his girlfriend. He goes to Mardi Gras with his friends in hopes strange women's tits would keep his mind off his ex's tits. It doesn't work and instead he wants to go on a haunted boat ride tour, so he does. Marcus, Ben's friend, doesn't wanna leave Ben alone, cause he might kill himself or something, tags along, even though he thinks the entire thing is stupid.

They eventually show up at Shawn's questionable boat ride. A few other "suckers" join in, including an old couple, a dude pretending to be a porn director and two chicks who like to show their tits a lot, and a quiet girl. Shawn starts the ride and makes up bullshit about ghosts appearing here or there, with Ben debunking him the whole ride.

They eventually get to the house of one Victor Crowley, who lived with his father and was born disfigured. He died when some kids, pulling a prank, accidently burned the house down. So now he haunts these rivers and such. It's not too long before the killing starts, first both the old couple, then the porn director, and then Shawn, all in a row like that. The quiet girl reveals to be looking for her father and brother (seriously played by Robert Englund and JOSH!! JOSH!!! from "The Blair Witch Project") and knows that Victor killed them. I should mention that Victor is played by Kane Hodder, famous for playing Jason in a few "Friday the 13th" films.

The rest keep running around from place to place trying to escape. Both hot porn chicks get it before quiet chick manages to get to a cemetary that leads to civilation. But the gate is locked and Marcus gets cut. So now it's Ben and Quiet Chick as they grab whatever makeshift weapons they can find and fight Victor.

First they tried to burn him but before he can get nice and toasty, it rains. Then they stab the shit out of him, repeatedly. They think they finally got him down for good and get on a row boat. But Quiet Girl falls into the water and when she comes back up, Victor has cut off one of Ben's hands and is about to attack her. And, fade to black.

You know going in that we shouldn't get to know these characters, and the movie doesn't spend hardly any time telling us much about them. It just sets things up and BAM! murder was the case that they gave me. I totally recommend this if you want something a bit different yet similar at the same time. This is a fun film made by true horror fans who knows how to have fun making movies. And that's all I ask for in my horror movies, some fun. Is that too much?

-Jason

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Supernatural: Home & Asylum

These two episodes (and probably the rest of the season I suspect) deal the overall story arc of the series, which is Sam & Dean's missing father and what happened the night their mom died.

In "Home" Sam reveals that he might be psychic when he has a dream of a lady in their old childhood home screaming for help. So they go back and find out the house is being haunted by a poltergeist. They also try to get to the bottom of their father's dissaperance by asking around and finding out he became friends with a local psychic.

The psychic tells them that if they plant some mystical stuff in the house, the poltergeists (How odd that yesterday I said the one episode resembled "Poltergeist") will vanish. While putting the mystical stuff, the poltergeists attack which results in trashing the house. When the owner comes back, she seems pretty ok with the damage. But they get the mystical stuff in place and all is well.

Except not. The flame ghost thing appears and it's about to kill Sam when (Spoiler alert) the ghost of their mom appears to do battle! Unfortuately we don't see the battle, but in the end, the poltergeist is gone for good and Sam & Dean go on their way.

When the psychic goes back to her crib, Sam & Dean's dad is sitting there! It's not made clear if he's alive or dead, but if he's alive, won't they feel stupid for not checking out their old hometown first? And this episodes most fucked up moment was when a plumber came (at night for some reason) and we see him unplug the garbage disposal so he can stick his hand down the drain. Guess what happens next.

"Aslyum" reminded me of that old MTV show "Fear" where they'd put 5 people in some spooky haunted place and they had to investigate spooky rooms and spooky stuff would happen and I keep saying the word spooky over and over again. Spooky. Anyway, Sam & Dean get a text message from their Dad to check out the aslyum. Sam don't want to but Dean insists on following orders.

At the aslyum, they find out the doctor in charge, back in the day, would use the mental patients as guinea pigs for his weird experiments. The inmates rioted and killed the doctor, and the place got shut down. I never understood why there are even abondoned buildings. If a place closes down, why isn't it knocked down right away? I always found that weird.

Anyway, like I said, this episode is more about backstory then the ghost and we find out that Sam resents Dean for always being in charge and always doing what their dad tells them to do and crap like that. And when the ghost doctor gets ahold of Sam, he makes him mental and attack Dean, who then knocks him out. A quick burning of the doctors dead body and Sam is back to normal, which is hiding the fact he secretly hates Dean.

The episode ends with Dad calling and Sam picking up the phone. Oooh! Cliffhanger!
-Jason

Day 16: The Thing

Here's a story.

Awhile ago, me and my friend Bill attempted to watch this movie. It was on VHS and we put it in. We got to about the ten minute mark when we decided to shut it off. Now for the life of me I can't recall why we did that. It might have something to do with the fact the first 10 minutes show a guy in a helicopter shooting at a dog, a cute Husky one at that. But we shut it off and since then we never really looked back.

Now I regret it cause this movie is pure awesome! And this is my entry in the "sci-fi/horror" category. I was gonna go the "Alien" route but went with this instead, since it happens on Earth, and it's about paranoia, both making it that much more scarier.

I'm sure any horror movie fan knows the plot. The entire setting is some research place base in Antarticia at the start of winter. There's about 8 guys or so and they're lead by Mac, played by Kurt Russel. They find out an alien crashed to Earth about a billion years ago and was frozen since then. The dudes in the helicopter unthawed it and now it took the form of the dog. The alien is a shapeshifter of sorts, but instead of a copy it just takes over the body. So a shapeshifting pod person kinda sorta. Since it took the form of human, everyone thinks the alien or even aliens since it can split, is in them and Mac comes up with a test, which proves to work, in a real kick ass scene.

Mac has everybody tied up and he's about to do the test (it's a bit complicated to explain, just see the movie) and the Thing shows himself next to the three dudes tied up, and they're all panicking and shit. It's great.

Another great scene happened just before that one and thankfully, I found it on Youtube:


If you haven't already, don't you wanna see it based on that? Just awesomeness.

So eventually The Thing goes through people, Mac blows the entire base up, and he and Keith David are the only ones left. Either they freeze to death or they survive. We don't know cause the movie ends with them two just chillin' after blowing everything up.

And did you fuckin' know WILFORD FUCKIN' BRIMLEY was in this??? WITHOUT A MUSTACHE?? WTF??? And for some reason he's credited as "A. Wilford Brimley". Why yes, he is A Wilford Brimley. There were some other people I recognized but I couldn't place them.
I'm seeing if maybe there was one bad thing but...nope. It's a bit slow in parts but I think it helps build the tension, so I'm not gonna rag on that.

I just realized that this is in fact a remake from a 1950's movie and I'm praising a remake...wow. BUT! This is a GOOD remake! I think IF a movie were to be remade, the directors should watch this movie and see how it should be done. Dammit!

-Jason

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Supernatural: Hook Man & Bugs

"Hook Man" follows the classic urban legend. Well, actually it appears to be three. The whole "killer with a hook on his hand", "a kid dies, then is tied up by a tree and the chick in the car hears the scraping on the roof", and "the roommate dies and when the chick wakes up the next morning, she finds her body and the message 'Aren't You Glad You Didn't Turn On The Lights?' is written on the wall". And yes, all three appeared in the movie "Urban Legend". Oddly enough, the two I watched today seemed to follow similar story lines of horror movies.

"Bugs" freaked me out cause I don't like bugs. And there really isn't a ghost or demon at work here. This time, they're battling an Native American curse on a patch of land. The bugs in this area go berserk and start killing people, in this area where new fancy homes are being built. Sam & Dean find out that an Indian chief put a curse on the land if any white people were to take over it. Well, white people are taking over and now looked what happened. Soon, every bug you can think of appears and starts attacking like it's some story from the bible. One thing I noticed and I swear this happens in the episode.

Sam & Dean arrive at the last family on the block, the family that started this development on this land, to warn them. Of course they don't believe them until a huge giant swarm comes their way. Now Sam said when they got there it was midnight, give or take. When the bugs attacked, everyone ran into the house and we seen them more or less in real time. They boarded up the cracks in the doors and Dean found bug spray which he uses as a torch to burn the bugs and they eventually head up to the attic when the bugs flew down the chimney.

They make it up to the attic and fight off termites and other bugs up there. They realize it's hopeless so they huddle together. Now, the curse is gonna break at sunrise. At this point, since we followed them from outside to the attic, it should be maybe 12:15, 12:30 the latest. But nope. Within a minute, it's sunrise. I guess they just walked around the house super slow and whatnot.

And doesn't the whole "building houses on Indian land and now we're curse" from Poltergeist? I was getting into this show, but they're gonna rip off other material, I might've lost my faith in this show. Let's see what disc three has in store for us.
-Jason

Day 15: Captivity

(Note: Woo! I am offically half way through 30 Days of Horror! The next 15 days is probably gonna be the hardest, considering what I got planned for Saturday. I'll announce that on Friday.)

I'm guessing this movie didn't do better because it doesn't follow your typical horror movie formula. Usually, there's a victim and a bad guy. The bad guy does fucked up shit to thousands of people and gets away with it until they come across our lead victim. At first bad things happen, but this victim is WAYYY smarter then the other thousand victims and manages to escape, giving the bad guy a run for their money. Eventually, a showdown and a big reveal of who the killer is (usually it's someone this lead victim knew their whole life, or was gonna marry them or something) then the victim kills the bad guy and there's either some twist ending or they all lived happily ever after.

But this one is different in a few ones. One, the victim Jennifer (Elisha Cuthbert) is really, really STUPID. She's suppose to be a Paris Hilton-type person, except with nice tits, so that explains a lot. Second thing is from the point Jennifer shows up at the bad guy's evil lair, she's just non-stop tortured in various ways.

She has sand fall on her, she has acid poured near her, she THOUGHT she killed her prized poodle, and she had to drink blood and guts, which was probably my favorite scene cause I never seen anything like that before. She meets a guy named Gary in the next room over and he too gets pounded on by the bad guy. Jennifer and Gary work together to escape and they get pretty close but the killer is always three steps ahead of them and manages to gas the shit out of them each time.

Eventually, Gary gets it on with Jennifer and the big giant twist is revealed, which I'll be revealing so if you don't want it spoiled for you, then you should just stop watching movies all together cause it was pretty obvious early on.

Gary IS the killer!!! He started off torturing Jennifer, then he put himself in "the game" as he calls it, and has his big brother (literally BIIIIIG brother: he loves it when you call him Big Poppa) fill in the killer role but all Big Brother does is drag Jen and Gary around and make them watch some film.

Here my liking this movie ended cause everything just stopped making sense. The film they were shown was suppose to be of Gary and Big Brother being forced to have sex with their mom when they were kids, then Gary killed Mom and took pictures of it, and this is where the serial killer streak started. But...who was filming this??? I mean, they acknowledge that this is a film they're watching in the room, and we see both Gary AND Big Brother, and Mom is dead so....what? Explain THAT movie.

I'm trying to keep this short cause now it's not worth writing to the internet about, so I'll just say that Gary done this before, he fell in love with all the girls they've captured, but eventually he or they killed them and they moved on. Gary is REALLY REALLY in love with Jen and wants to stay with her. Big Brother laughs at this, which gets him stabbed. Two cops show up and they get shot.

Gary pretends he killed the real killers, but after some snooping, she finds out the truth and eventually there's a chase and Jen finally kills Gary. And we do get a twist. Flashforward to a year later and now Jen is going around killing serial killers. Seriously. That's kind of a cool idea but it really didn't need to be so drawn out. They slammed it in our heads that this is what she's doing when I picked up on it when they revealed she just killed a dude who looked like a serial killer. They could've ended there and I would've gave this movie three stars. But because of the stupid "big brother" twist and the drawn out ending, I have to give this:

-Jason

Supernatural: Bloody Mary & Skin

To update you on what I'm doing with these episodes. My friend Bill loaned me the Season 1 set a long ass time ago and I only got to the first disc. So while planning this month, I decided to finally get to the rest of the episodes since it fits in. And since I watched the first disc, I'll bring you up to speed.

Sam and Dean Winchester lost their mother to some fire demon thingy when they were kids. So their dad decided to become a ghost hunter to look into what the hell it was. He bought Sam and Dean into it, but Sam went off on his own and went to college. Now, their dad has gone missing and Dean gets Sam's help to find him. After solving the mystery of a ghost girl who hitch hikes on a bridge, then kills the driver, Sam's girlfriend is also killed by a fire demon thingy. This causes Sam to join up with Dean to not only find their father but to hunt down ghosts, hoping it'll get them close to finding this fire demon thingy.

That's the basic outline of the show. The other three episodes on disc 1 had them fighting some weird monster thing that lived deep in the woods somewhere that was similar to a werewolf but wasn't. Then they fought an actual demon from hell that possessed people on airplanes and caused the plane to crash, killing everyone. This was freaky cause they had to do an actual exorcism. And then there was this little boy who died and the kids that killed him grew up and had family's and now the ghost of the kid is killing his killer's kids one by one.

That's it. Onto disc 2. First episode is "Bloody Mary" and it's about...well you know. But this one says the Mary was a woman who was killed by her lover in front of a mirror, so she possesses a mirror and anytime anyone with a deep secret that involves a death says "the words" three times, she pays them a visit and makes their eyeballs explode. Turns out Sam has a secret and uses himself to draw her out to finally stop her.

"Skin" is about a shapeshifter who turns into certain people and kills their loved ones, then when the actual person returns, they're blamed for the whole thing. This happened to one of Sam's friends, so they check it out. I'm willing to bet without even looking at the "jump the shark" website that people think this episode "jumped the shark" cause this episode had the shape shifter turn into Dean and Sam had to fight him, so it looks like Sam and Dean are fighting to the death. The ending's a bit odd, which I won't reveal, but whatever I guess.

And I won't be rating these cause so far every episode has been awesome and pretty freaky. Weird that so far the genuine scary thing (after "The Exorcist" anyway) is a TV show from the WB/CW.
-Jason

Monday, April 14, 2008

Day 14: Disturbia

(Note: Today's the day I start watching a movie AND two episodes of "Supernatural". So for the next week and a half, there's gonna be two posts a day. Oh and since we're in "note" mode, I take 1% responsibility for "Prom Night" being the number one movie in America this week, since I saw it on Saturday. I didn't mean for that to happen. On the other hand, I think it shows how crappy the other choices are. Then again if more theaters ran "Run Fatboy Run", I think we wouldn't have this problem. Anyway, onto the post.)

The following is a top secret transcript of a meeting between a Producer and a Random Teenager (known as RT), found in the vaults of Dreamworks studios.


Producer: Hello [Random Teenager]. I bought you here today because we need your help to tell us what you want to see in a modern horror movie.

RT: Yuck. Horror movies are so yucky, with all the blood and the body parts flying everywhere. Why can't you make...I don't know...a romantic horror movie?
Producer: Romantic, we can do that. Have you ever seen the great Hitchcock classic "Rear Window"?
*RT gives a blank stare*

Producer: Right. Who care's about "old" stuff, huh? OK! So here's what the writers came up with. And there were three of them. We have a guy-
RT: Make it a hot guy. Like, that "Transformers" guy.
Producer: Ok Transformer guy. Got it. Transformer guy is a good kid and on the last day of summer vacation, he breaks his leg-
RT: UGH! No one breaks their legs anymore, old fogey!! Nowadays, everyone does badass shit, like, punch their teachers!
Producer: That's good! So Transformer kid punches his teacher and while in jail, he witnesses a murder.
RT: Jail? Ugh. I had to watch that "Oz" show cause I thought it was about The Wizard of Oz. It's about prison. Did you know that?
Producer: I think I heard that, yes.
RT: No jail stuff. This one kid I knew had to do house arrest for, like, six months for beating his mom up.
Producer: Excellent! House arrest!
RT: Where's the romance, dude?
Producer: Right, romance. Um, a hot beautiful girl moves in next door-
RT: GET PARIS HILTON!
Producer: Umm...we'll see what we can do. Anyway, Transformer kid falls for the girl next door, all the while being bored out of his mind being trapped in the house for a month. He decides to spy on his neighbors-
RT: Ew but I like it.
Producer: You know...it's gonna take an hour to set up this romantic angle.
RT: So what? It'll be, like, important later on. It'll show that Transformer kid is hot, even though he's being horrified.
Producer: Right. Um, anyway, we'll also have a black friend who-
RT: That is SOOO RACIST!!!
Producer: Asian?
RT: That's better. Asian's don't get to be sidekicks in movies. It'll do the Asian people proud to help a hot white kid.
Producer: Ok. So the Asian kid he's the comic relief and is a stoner-
RT: My parents won't let me see movies with drug references.
Producer: It's ok, it'll just be assumed. So finally after setting up an hour of the romance stuff and showing Transformer kid going crazy, he thinks something is up with one of the creepy neighbors.
RT: OMG! You should get that Harrison Ford guy to be the creepy guy! He's so creepy lookin'!!
Producer: We'll see what we can do. Anyway, Transformer kid sees Creepy Neighbor do a bunch of weird stuff like chase a girl around his house, and drag a big plastic mat full of blood and stuff. So he'll send Asian kid over to check it out and we'll have you think Asian kid died!
RT: GASP!
Producer: I know! And since he's under house arrest, if he crosses this line, the cops will immedately show up! So he does it the cops will show up, and they can't find evidence!
RT: WOW!
Producer: So Transformer Kid's mom goes over to apologize, we find out Asian kid isn't dead-
RT: Phew!
Producer: And it'll turn out...Creepy Guy IS A MURDERER!!
RT: OH MY GOD I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!
Producer: I know you didn't cause we had you think it was all in Transformer Kid's head but it wasn't!! HAHAHA!!
RT: Where's the girl?
Producer: Oh right, girl. Um...after Creepy neighbor knocks out Mom, drags her down three flights of stairs, drag her over a mudhole full of dead bodies and ties her up, all within 2 minutes, Creepy Neighber will then magically teleport to Transformer Guy's house and attack him! Girl shows up and saves Transformer Guy and he runs back to the house to get his mom.
RT: Mom. I like that word. You should have Transformer Guy say that word about a thousand times.
Producer: You got it! So after taking 20 minutes having Transformer Guy wander around the house, Creepy Guy will show up all out of nowhere-
RT: He's a wizard!
Producer: Yes! He'll be a wizard! And try to kill Mom and Transformer Guy, but after a fight in the dark, Transformer Guy kills Creepy Guy, Transformer Guy is off his house arrest for capturing a famous serial killer, and we'll make our contractual obligation to mention Youtube at least once in every modern day horror movie and the end!
RT: YAY!!!
Producer: So what should we call it?
RT: Hot Teenager Saves The Day!
Producer: How about...Disturbia?
RT: Whatever. I'm just gonna leave after the romance stuff. Let them horror geeks jack off to the blood and guts stuff in the second half.

-Jason

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Day 13: Probe-Sisters of Death

Welcome to Day 13, the unlucky day! Thankfully, all I did was Probe this ultra 70's whodunit horror film.

http://www.invasionofthebmovies.com/Probes/sistersofdeath.html

Enjoy!
-Jason

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Day 12: Prom Night (2008)

I like watching bad movies in theaters because then I get to see who else besides me watches these things. This being a PG-13 slasher flick (and a remake, sort of, to boot), I already knew who'd be there:

The Dreaded Teenage Girl(s)!

And boy was I right. About 80% of the audience for the 1:30 PM showing was all teenage girls, with some boys in the mix. There was also at least three guys over 20 by themselves (not including myself) and an entire black family, ranging in age from 40 to 7.

And the trailers almost made me forget what movie I was seeing. Usually if you see a horror movie, you get horror movie trailers. Comedy, comedy trailers, and so on. But here, we were all over the place. The "Iron Man" trailer (looks awesome). There's gonna be a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" sequel. And the only horror trailer I can recall, called "Quanintine", which looks like "Cloverfield" with zombies.

Ok, so the movie. To tell you the truth, I don't think this is suppose to be a remake. Because, besides stuff happening at a prom, the two movies are nothing alike. The plot focuses on a blonde white chick who I'm sure is on some MTV show or something, named Donna who has a stalker on her hands. The stalker is a former teacher at her high school and one night when she gets home, she finds her entire family dead.

We flashforward 3 years and it's the day of the prom. The teacher was put away in a mental institution and Donna lives with her Aunt and Uncle. From this point on, there are so many useless scenes that just show how much of a douche everyone is in California when it comes to prom.

And holy shit what kind of prom is this? There's a red carpet and, I swear to god, the paparazzi was there! I thought maybe they stopped at a movie premire on their way to prom. And of course it won't be a stupid watered down horror movie for teenagers if it didn't have a stupid sub plot that isn't important. This subplot? The black chick wants to win Prom Queen cause the other candidate is a total bitch and it would make her life if she won!

Ok so after literally 10 million little jumps (all of which the teenage girls in the audience screamed), the deranged teacher killer (not a killer who kills teacher...you know...) shows up and gets a room down the hall from Donna. He kills a maid to get her master key, which I mention to bring up a point later.

One by one, all of Donna's friends show up in her room for one thing or another and the teacher kills them. The stupidest has to be the black chick, cause she runs into him and realizes who he is and tries to warn Donna but he comes chasing after her. So instead of continuing down the stairs, she goes to a room that's being renovated. I have no idea way, but she gets killed. And ironically, she did become prom queen at that moment, so it's like she got to one-up the bitchy chick but she didn't live to see it.

Finally, the teacher finds Donna and starts chasing her. When she locks herself in a room, the teacher busts down the door with a fire extishguisher, instead of USING THE FUCKING MASTER KEY HE STOLE AND BEEN USING THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!! I guess they wanted to rip off "The Shining" really bad or something.

Finally, the detective that was assigned to the case shows up and saves Donna but the teacher goes missing. He managed to sneak out and eventually shows up at Donna's house, killing her boyfriend, who I knew was a goner when he started talking about never leaving her side and all that bullshit.

After a "intense" scene where "we think he's gonna get away with raping and/or killing Donna", the detective shoots the killer multiple times and, well, that's it. No surprise ending, no twist, the killer didn't get back up or anything. Just "BANG BANG BANG!" *Roll Credits*. I almost threw my empty drink at the screen but I was afraid it'd hit a teenager and I'd be sued.

So like I said, this doesn't appear to even be a remake. I think they just happen to come up with a movie named "Prom Night", cause there's no connection. Usually in horrible remakes SOMETHING is the same (I'm not counting the prom thing cause that's just stupid), like an actor or a scene or a reference or something. But we got nothing. Oh wait. We did get a lot of pointless dancing scenes. Maybe that's the connection. How could I be so stupid?

-Jason

Friday, April 11, 2008

Day 11: Prom Night (1980)


Tonight the remake was released into theaters, which I'll be seeing tomorrow. So I figured I should take a gander at this classic original to see what all the hubbub is all about.

And what we got, frankly, is a combination of "Halloween" and "Carrie".

We start off in the early, or middle, 70's and some kids are playing a weird version of hide-and-seek but the seeker is The Killer and each person The Killer finds is Killed. This is all suppose to be ironic, you see. Anyway, three other kids happen across the closed down school the Killer Kids are playing in and decide to not get "killed". But one girl, who's name really isn't that important and you'll see why, decides it sounds like fun to be killed.

So she goes in, gets chased around for some reason, and really gets killed when she flies out the window. The Killer Kids decide not to tell ANYBODY about this and just leave. Later Father Leslie Neilsen finds his daughter dead.

Flashforward to six years. In that time, they pinned the murder on some guy who while being pursued by cops gets in a car accident and is lit on fire. So this guy is not only accused of a murder he didn't commit, but he gets burned to hell too. So naturally, this is the big set up when we find out this guy escaped the prison he was in.

Now we focus on The Killer Kids in high school and Jamie Lee Curtis, which makes this even more like "Halloween". Jamie Lee is the older sister of the girl that got killed and she's friends with two of the Killer Kids, and boinking the third. The 4th is a total bitch to everyone, even Jamie Lee for some reason that I didn't pick up. And the creepy thing is Jamie Lynn's brother in the movie looks like the guy she's boinking. I kept getting them confused and made the whole thing quite disturbing.

Anyway, this movie takes for-fucking-ever to set everything up. We meet literally ten thousand creepy people who SHOULD be killers but aren't. There's a "student" who looks to be 30 and he has a unibrow. Bitchy Chick takes him to Prom so she can get revenge on Jamie Lynn for whatever reason.

I took this image for three reasons. Two are on Jamie Lee. And third cause of the signs. "Uh, hi yeah. I'd like to visit the girls changing room please." "Yeah sure, just sign here."

After the killer makes a bunch of semi-threatening phone calls and stalks them around school, it's FINALLY prom! And we're about 50 minutes into the damn movie. No one gets killed yet cause now it's time to sit through 10 minutes...

OF FUCKING DISCO DANCING!!! ARRGH!!! And this goes on for-fucking-ever as well. I thought I was watching Solid Gold for a minute.

FINALLY, one of the Killer Kids is killed, but it could've been avoided cause she was just about to have sex with some guy but she decided her body is worthy it or some crap and says no. Guy leaves and girl gets killed. See, you died a virgin. WTG!

And Bitchy Chick is chased around the school for 10 minutes until she's finally killed. One thing about this damn movie is half the scenes that happened at night are too fucking dark. It's like whoever directed this movie used the Ed Wood style of directing. "Well, IT IS dark outside, so it would be dark in these areas. If we have a light here, we'd have to explain where the light was coming from."

An actual shot from this movie.

Oh and one of the other Killer Chicks is getting it on with a dude that TOTALLY looked like me if I was around in the late 70's/early 80's. And I drove a sweet van. And he got laid. I'm so lucky. Well, not so much. Cause he, and the Killer Chick get killed in a scene I called 20 minutes prior. It's hard to explain without seeing it. If me and you ever end up watching this together, I'll let you know what it was.

So now it's just the dude Jamie Lee is boinking. And we get into a subplot that makes no sense. See, Bitchy Chick only took Unibrow to prom to help her get revenge on Jamie Lee for whatever the hell it was. Jamie Lee and Killer Dude were voted King and Queen of Prom, so they had to go up on stage to get their crowns and be praised and all that other shit. So the plan was, as far as I could tell, was have Unibrow take Last Killer Dude, tie him up, and Unibrow was gonna take the place of Killer Dude. Since there were roughly 50 adults/teachers there, AND police looking out for the Accused Killer, I dunno how far this plan would've gotten

But we don't find out cause the coolest thing happens in this movie. The killer thinks Unibrow is Killer Dude so he kills Unibrow and his head fucking goes flying through the curtins and down the little runway!! I literally screamed "HOLY SHIT!!" and now my neighbors are calling the police on me. So I have to quickly wrap this up.

After a long ass strugle, and me thinking the killer is really Leslie Neilsen since he dissappeared at the halfway mark of the movie, AND the cops say they found the REAL ACCUSED KILLER 50 miles away (alive and of normal size), we find out who the real killer is. And it kinda makes sense, kinda doesn't.

The killer was Jamie Lee's brother, who is dressed in drag. The drag part came out of nowhere, unless they were trying to rip off "Psycho" too. He saw The Killer Kids sort of kill the little girl and knew they didn't tell anyone they were responsible. So...he waited six whole years and decided to get his revenge on this particular night!! No, I don't know why he waited so long or why it had to be Prom Night. I guess only because it's the title of the movie. If it was titled "Regular Ol' Night", then he would've killed them right away.

So that's basically the whole movie. The only good part, great part actually, came at the very end, and I have to say this movie tricked me with it's twist ending. But everything else prior just plain sucked. It was either too slow, too boring, or too dark. And the disco music. AND dancing. Ugh.

This even looks like a scene from "Halloween", doesn't it?

I have my doubts this remake is gonna be any better. This movie already had the feel of a teen drama so I can't imagine how the remake is gonna handle all the pre-murdering teens stuff. Oh and you probably picked up on how this movie is like "Carrie" but probably not "Halloween". It's just the stuff in the beginning with the killer breaking out, then the teenagers thinking they see someone following them, and the killer driving by. Plus the inclusion of Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't really help any. There was even a doctor helping the police catch the killer. He too dissappeared around the middle of the movie, but whatever.


-Jason

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Day 10: Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

I use to watch "Are You Afraid of The Dark?" every Saturday Night when it came on during "SNICK" (Anybody remember SNICK? HOLLA!) and watching this back tonight reminded me of something. The opening credits scared the shit out of me!


Now, thanks to Netflix I saw they had what they called "Freaky Favorites". I dunno what's up with Netflix only having a "Best of" compilation DVD's, but whatever. Then I watched it tonight and...you're not fuckin' gonna believe this. This ISN'T the version from the early 90's. Apparently, they (whoever "they" may be) tried to spawn off a "Next Generation" type thing by bringing it back. So I did some homework and found out these were made in 1999, and there was one whole season's worth. And here's the kicker.

Elisha Cuthbert is one of the girls in the NEW Midnight Society.
(I could be totally movie geeky here and mention the chick that played Natasha in "Waiting..." was also a NEW Midnight Society member but I'm probably alone on that.)

Ok so now that you know I'm watching some retred version and not the classic original, let's get on with it.

The Tale of The Forever Game-This was the first episode of the "new series" and we see the formation of the NEW Midnight Society. One of the kids, who could be David Schwimmer's son or younger brother, is related to one of the original members and decided to form his own. The other members are like a typical "teen comedy" cast. There's a black guy, a fat guy, a weird girl, a somewhat spoiled girl, and the Jewish one. And because Young Schwimmer started (or restarted), this, the first story is his.

His story is about an Asshole Brother, His Abused Younger Sister, and His Friend biking in the forest. Asshole acts like an asshole to his sister and His Friend tells Sister he treats everyone that way until they prove themselves to him. Jeez, see why I call him an asshole? Who acts like that? And he was really, really being mean to his sister. If this wasn't a 20 minute kid's horror show, and a Lifetime Movie, I'm sure she'd have bruises all over her body.

Ok, now that we're slightly depressed.

Asshole decides to go against the wishes of Robert Frost and take the path less beaten. There, we find a pitchfork tree. Asshole tries to get everyone out of this area but they can't. Asshole then finally tries to pick a fight with the tree when he falls into it.

Inside, he finds a young Irish Lad in 1920's clothing. Young Irish tells Asshole that in order to get out, he has to play "The Forever Game", and no it's not Monopoly. It's some weird game where two people play and whatever space they land on, represents different things that Sister and Friend go through in the forest. There's lighting, and quick sand, and some demon monster thingy. And the catch is, whoever wins, gets to leave the tree, while the loser stays in the tree FOREVER!!!! (Hence the title.)

So Asshole plays for his life and freedom, while slowly respecting his sister. Eventually, Sister figures out the tree is the key and tries to knock it down. Asshole brings some lighting, which causes the tree to explode and both Asshole and Irish Lad are freed. Irish Lad turns into Irish Old Dude, who thanks Sister and goes off somewhere to die. The end.

The Tale of The Zombie Dice-After setting up how much of a princess Elisha Cuthbert is, we get Natashia's story about ANOTHER game. Something I noticed. There's a weird theme to this "Freaky Favorites" DVD, they all revolve around games. I can't help but wonder if that was intentional.

Anyway, this story is pretty fucked up. We focus on three kids, one who looks like Jay Baruchel, the skinny kid from "Knocked Up", and their addiction to gambling and video games. They go to this place that looks like a bar for kids that's full of video games. There Jay and his Gambling Buddy meet the creepy ass owner Mr. Click who wants to play Gambling Buddy in a game. I'm sure you do...

Anyway, Gambling Buddy eventually does and it's a game where you toss these dice with skulls on them. If just one of the skulls pop up just once, you lose. Well, Gambling Buddy loses and here's the weird fucked up part, in which I'm not making up.

Mr. Click SHRINKS Gambling Buddy AND THEN is about to send him to some guy in another country has "a pet"!! WTF??? This is like "Bloodsucking Freaks" for kids! So Jay finds out and bets Mr. Click that he can drink three mugs of soda before he can drink one glass. Well, the whole thing is a trick cause Jay puts the empty mug over Mr. Click's glass which he isn't allowed to touch, so Jay wins and out of fuckin' nowhere, Gambling Buddy is alive and of normal size some 3000 miles away.

Eventually, Mr. Click's zombie pal (I forgot to mention him. This is a weird ass story) shrinks Mr. Click and the story ends. Um...wait. What about the other kids that Mr. Click shrank? Are they off in some other country being inserted-

Ok, I'm stopping there.

The Tale of Jake The Snake-Oddly enough, this isn't about the semi-famous wrestler. This is about a hockey player. And this is a pretty freaky story. This kid wants to be good at hockey and some hooded figure tells him there's a magic hockey stick in the basement (of the alamo?) and if he uses it, he'll be king hockey.

So the kid does it and he instantly becomes an asshole. And he's slowly turning into a snake. Going so far as to even try to eat a lab mouse. The kid's friend realizes that having your friends skin fall off and eating lab mice isn't normal so he investigates and learns the hooded figure is a giant walking snake! And he's waiting for the hockey kid to turn into a snake! Which he's doing!

So the friend steals the hockey stick to stop him from turning into a snake, but the hooded snake captures him and ties him up. Hockey kid comes by to save his friend but hooded snake tells him that if he uses the stick one more time, he'll fully be a snake. Well, hockey kid realizes the only way to save his friend is to use it, so he does, which kills the hooded snake somehow.

The friend realizes if he destroys the stick, hockey kid will stop turning into a snake and he does. And did you notice that in some weird way, this story was kinda like the first story? A kid is trapped into something, some other person gets abused and is getting tormented as a result, the kid learns his lesson and you have to destroy some magical item to break it's curse and have a happy ending? Well, that's cause this story was also being told by Ross, Jr. Man, kid, get a different plot, will ya?

Anyway, that's all that's on this DVD, which is just one big packaging lie. It doesn't mention this is the "new" version that Canada tried to thrust on us (which explains the hockey segment). They make like it's the original one. And why "Freaky Favorites"? I doubt these stories are anybodies favorites. All three stories were acted horribly, written horribly (well if you think about it, they are suppose to be stories told by kids), and have horrible CGI effects. The snakes in the 3rd story look like cheap 1995 Clip Art. Whatever.

Submitted for the approval of the Invasion of the B Movies Society, I present to you:
The Tale of The Crappy Revamped Series That Nobody Watches So The DVD Makers Trick People Into Watching Them!

Get the original series on DVD. You'll be glad you did.
-Jason