Should come to no surprise to everyone that Travis is the winner. Congratulations, Travis. I'm not entirely sure what to do next week. Guess we'll see if anyone sends in a thing for the cage match. We shall see.
-Jason
Showing posts with label Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match. Show all posts
Friday, March 05, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #13 Winner
Should come to no surprise to everyone that Travis is the winner. Congratulations, Travis. I'm not entirely sure what to do next week. Guess we'll see if anyone sends in a thing for the cage match. We shall see.
-Jason
Monday, March 01, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #13
This is a special version of The Cage Match. This here is...The All-Stars Edition! That's right! Last week's winner Travis and "Nudist Colony of the Dead" is going to go against Fletch and "The Happening". Oh snap, it's about to get ugly up in here!
To remind you of each film, I'll repost each contender and the reason why their pick is awful. Up first, Fletch with "The Happening":
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.
Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!
Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Now THIS should be good. Vote! Do stuff! Yep!
-Jason
To remind you of each film, I'll repost each contender and the reason why their pick is awful. Up first, Fletch with "The Happening":
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.
Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!
Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Now THIS should be good. Vote! Do stuff! Yep!
-Jason
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #12 Results
Wow, was it close. I dunno who voted at the last minute, but it was tied for a couple of days there. Anyway. Travis is the winner! Hoo-ray!!
I'm guessing at this point only a handful of people are interested in this cage match thing (Fletch, Rachael, Wings, Nolahn, Bill, and of course Travis) so I'll probaby institute some sort of Players thing where you guys take turns going against each other. Kinda like how the WWE only have like 10 wrestlers who fight each other or something. Anyway, Fletch, Rachael, Wings, Nolahn, or Bill, if you wanna go on Monday, let me know. First come first serve. You guys will have to pick different movies, though. So yeah.
Thanks!
-Jason
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #12
Time to dip into the imdb well again! Fun! (Not really)
IN THIS CORNER! Imdb user Tyler G and his write up for the Razzie nominated "G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra:
Oh my god.
First of all, and most importantly, I have nothing against a FUN, entertaining movie. But the only entertainment in the movie was how painful it was at times.
Acting: 2/10 Terrible. A fellow moviegoer commented that "You know it was a failure when one of the Wayans brothers was the best piece of acting" It was bad. Dennis Quaid was plain boring. He looked like he was having no fun.
Screenplay 1/10 HOW IN HOLY HELL DID THEY GET THIS APPROVED?!! All the memorable lines were the most terrible ones that everyone in the theater laughed at. It felt like a really bad TV show. The end of the movie was WAY more epic than it was supposed to be for a summer action blockbuster. Not intelligent, not funny, and not cohesive whatsoever. The setting changed about every 15 minutes, going all over the world. And brace yourself stereotypical, cheesy, predictable romance too.
Special Effects/Editing 3/10 Some of the obvious fully computer rendered scenes looked worse than the old star wars flicks. (The polar bear moment and the planes flying over the pyramids made many laugh) Other scenes, such as the Paris action looked good. Way too many explosions, even more than Michael Bay would want. The editing cut to different shots faster than any action movie I've ever seen. There were plenty of "What the hell just happened?" moments.
Its a big G.I BLOW Unfortunately.
And our CURRENT CHAMPION! Travis with:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Vote. Please send in a review for next week, blah blah blah.
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER! Imdb user Tyler G and his write up for the Razzie nominated "G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra:
Oh my god.
First of all, and most importantly, I have nothing against a FUN, entertaining movie. But the only entertainment in the movie was how painful it was at times.
Acting: 2/10 Terrible. A fellow moviegoer commented that "You know it was a failure when one of the Wayans brothers was the best piece of acting" It was bad. Dennis Quaid was plain boring. He looked like he was having no fun.
Screenplay 1/10 HOW IN HOLY HELL DID THEY GET THIS APPROVED?!! All the memorable lines were the most terrible ones that everyone in the theater laughed at. It felt like a really bad TV show. The end of the movie was WAY more epic than it was supposed to be for a summer action blockbuster. Not intelligent, not funny, and not cohesive whatsoever. The setting changed about every 15 minutes, going all over the world. And brace yourself stereotypical, cheesy, predictable romance too.
Special Effects/Editing 3/10 Some of the obvious fully computer rendered scenes looked worse than the old star wars flicks. (The polar bear moment and the planes flying over the pyramids made many laugh) Other scenes, such as the Paris action looked good. Way too many explosions, even more than Michael Bay would want. The editing cut to different shots faster than any action movie I've ever seen. There were plenty of "What the hell just happened?" moments.
Its a big G.I BLOW Unfortunately.
And our CURRENT CHAMPION! Travis with:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Vote. Please send in a review for next week, blah blah blah.
-Jason
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #11 Winner
Sorry Wings, I should've known better than to pit you against Travis. He somehow knows how to pick 'em.
WE HAVE A NEW WINNER!! Travis and "Nudist Colony of the Dead". Frankly, I can see how that would win, what with that title and how bad it truely sounds. But both Travis and Wings put up a good fight.
So now. I need someone to go against Travis on Monday. Please? Someone? If not, I'll have to dig into the imdb well again. So what'll be?
-Jason
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #11
Here we are, week 11 into this thang. Sorry it's so late. I wanted to get the review done first. Anyway...
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger! No stranger to the Cage Match because his first pick made him the undisputed champ for five weeks in a row. CAN he repeat business? I'm talking about Mr. Travis McCullum from The Movie Encyclopedia and his pick:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
You know what to do! So do it! DO IT NOW! Do it hard!! Do it juuuuust right...wait what the hell am I talking about?
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger! No stranger to the Cage Match because his first pick made him the undisputed champ for five weeks in a row. CAN he repeat business? I'm talking about Mr. Travis McCullum from The Movie Encyclopedia and his pick:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
You know what to do! So do it! DO IT NOW! Do it hard!! Do it juuuuust right...wait what the hell am I talking about?
-Jason
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #10 Results
Ok I have to ask, who changed their votes? Cause I been watching it all week and it was tied at one point but now "All About Steve" only got one vote? I have to ask, why?
Well anyway, for a second week in a row, Wings and "Bloody Murder" is the winner! Congratulations! Thankfully, someone did step up to participate in Monday's match so I won't have to dip into the IMDB well again.
Some special news if you're not made aware. TONIGHT! I am going to Chicago to see a screening of "The Room" and hopefully HOPEFULLY meet/talk to one Mr. Tommy Wiseau. I'll let you guys know how it went down. Depending on what happens I'll either make a blog post about it or save it up for the podcast, which will be recorded next week. Any event, stay tuned!
-Jason
Monday, February 08, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #10
As I said on Friday, IMDB is now my friend for the cage match. Since no one sent in a movie for the cage match, I've decided to go to IMDB, pick a movie, and grab a User Review for a movie and put that in the cage match. Taa-daa!
Because we're leading up to the Razzies in a couple of weeks, whenever I have to use IMDB content, I will use films nominated for The Razzies. With that said, let's get started.
THE CHALLENGER! IMDB user "Laurence Tuccori" with their thoughts on "All About Steve":
Until this afternoon I've been so hot for Sandra Bullock I'd drive fifty miles to watch a silent movie of her ironing bedsheets. But having just sat through her latest movie ALL ABOUT STEVE I've downsized that maximum distance to ten feet (and she'd have to be ironing underwear). ALL ABOUT STEVE seriously challenges "Miss Congeniality 2" for the title of worst Sandra Bullock film ever. This alleged rom-com is a witless, lame ragbag of slapdash clichés devoid of originality, humour or entertainment value. Ms Bullock has built her career playing lovable klutzy outsiders who overcome all manner of (usually) self-induced adversities to triumph personally and professionally. In the best of these ("Two Weeks Notice", "Miss Congeniality") her social ineptness has been endearing and often adorable but here it's just plain disturbing. Her character, Mary Horowitz, is unintentionally borderline autistic. She's very intelligent but totally clueless when it comes to developing personal relationships or appreciating how her obsession with her job (she creates crosswords for a small Sacramento newspaper) appears to others. At one point she actually jots down her editor's advice to "be normal" as if that's the only way she's going to remember it. When she develops a fixation with TV news channel cameraman Steve (Bradley Cooper) after a disastrous blind date and starts following him across country from one assignment to the next the effect is scary. Mary (who constantly refers to herself in the third person) is more stalker than smitten, and completely unconvincing to boot. Bullock fails to imbue Mary with even an ounce of credibility as a character, settling instead for a weird mix of childlike innocence, demented schoolgirl and overage virgin. Imagine watching someone with no concept of the meaning of the phrase "to act" being instructed to act. To be fair to Ms Bullock her performance is no worse than the script or Phil Traill's direction, both of which tarnish the description pedestrian with their lazy and total lack of effort and imagination. Rom-coms don't make any claim to be realistic nor do audiences expect the story that unfolds to be completely plausible or even likely. But it would be nice to be offered the possibility that it might happen. A token gesture in the direction of believability rarely harms an audience's ability to enjoy. For example, showing or perhaps simply suggesting that the CNN-style cable news channel Steve works for employs more than one cameraman and reporter rather than having him and egotistical journo Hartman Hughes (Thomas Haden Church) as the sole team dashing from one breaking story to the next across vast distances apparently at the speed of light. As star and producer of ALL ABOUT STEVE my beloved Sandy has only herself to blame for this execrable mess. What was she thinking?! Was she thinking? If even there was an argument for installing a fast forward button in the arm of each cinema seat this film is it. It's ninety six minutes of my life that I'll never recover. Do her and yourself a huge favour and remember her as she was, and not what she's become.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
Vote now! And send in a movie for the cage match! Please? Thanks!
-Jason
Because we're leading up to the Razzies in a couple of weeks, whenever I have to use IMDB content, I will use films nominated for The Razzies. With that said, let's get started.
THE CHALLENGER! IMDB user "Laurence Tuccori" with their thoughts on "All About Steve":
Until this afternoon I've been so hot for Sandra Bullock I'd drive fifty miles to watch a silent movie of her ironing bedsheets. But having just sat through her latest movie ALL ABOUT STEVE I've downsized that maximum distance to ten feet (and she'd have to be ironing underwear). ALL ABOUT STEVE seriously challenges "Miss Congeniality 2" for the title of worst Sandra Bullock film ever. This alleged rom-com is a witless, lame ragbag of slapdash clichés devoid of originality, humour or entertainment value. Ms Bullock has built her career playing lovable klutzy outsiders who overcome all manner of (usually) self-induced adversities to triumph personally and professionally. In the best of these ("Two Weeks Notice", "Miss Congeniality") her social ineptness has been endearing and often adorable but here it's just plain disturbing. Her character, Mary Horowitz, is unintentionally borderline autistic. She's very intelligent but totally clueless when it comes to developing personal relationships or appreciating how her obsession with her job (she creates crosswords for a small Sacramento newspaper) appears to others. At one point she actually jots down her editor's advice to "be normal" as if that's the only way she's going to remember it. When she develops a fixation with TV news channel cameraman Steve (Bradley Cooper) after a disastrous blind date and starts following him across country from one assignment to the next the effect is scary. Mary (who constantly refers to herself in the third person) is more stalker than smitten, and completely unconvincing to boot. Bullock fails to imbue Mary with even an ounce of credibility as a character, settling instead for a weird mix of childlike innocence, demented schoolgirl and overage virgin. Imagine watching someone with no concept of the meaning of the phrase "to act" being instructed to act. To be fair to Ms Bullock her performance is no worse than the script or Phil Traill's direction, both of which tarnish the description pedestrian with their lazy and total lack of effort and imagination. Rom-coms don't make any claim to be realistic nor do audiences expect the story that unfolds to be completely plausible or even likely. But it would be nice to be offered the possibility that it might happen. A token gesture in the direction of believability rarely harms an audience's ability to enjoy. For example, showing or perhaps simply suggesting that the CNN-style cable news channel Steve works for employs more than one cameraman and reporter rather than having him and egotistical journo Hartman Hughes (Thomas Haden Church) as the sole team dashing from one breaking story to the next across vast distances apparently at the speed of light. As star and producer of ALL ABOUT STEVE my beloved Sandy has only herself to blame for this execrable mess. What was she thinking?! Was she thinking? If even there was an argument for installing a fast forward button in the arm of each cinema seat this film is it. It's ninety six minutes of my life that I'll never recover. Do her and yourself a huge favour and remember her as she was, and not what she's become.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
Vote now! And send in a movie for the cage match! Please? Thanks!
-Jason
Friday, February 05, 2010
The Ultimate Bad Movie Cage Match #9 Winner
A first! There is a tie! So now what you might be asking, especially Wings and Rachel? Well, after much thinking I decided to go to the Mecca of movies, the IMDB, and for the tie breaker see which movie has the worst rating. The one with the worst will be the winner.
And I'm kinda surprised because "I Know Who Killed Me" got 3.6 out of 10 while "Bloody Murder" gets a 2.7. So Wings is our winner! Sorry Rachel! Blame IMDB!
Speaking of IMDB, I got an idea for when no one wants to participate in the cage match. But we'll see if it comes to that on Monday. For now, I am looking for entries so please send something in. Even if you participated before. Thanks!
-Jason
Monday, February 01, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #9
A lot of crap is happening this week! WOO!! Here's part 1 of it:
IN THIS CORNER, your challenger, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
AND our winner, Rachel with:
I Know Who Killed Me!
It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.
First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.
Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.
The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.
So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.
Parts 2 and 3 tomorrow! Somehow! VOTE VOTE VOTE! And participate! I need someone for next week. Please?
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER, your challenger, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
AND our winner, Rachel with:
I Know Who Killed Me!
It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.
First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.
Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.
The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.
So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.
Parts 2 and 3 tomorrow! Somehow! VOTE VOTE VOTE! And participate! I need someone for next week. Please?
-Jason
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #8 Winner
After a weekend of begging and a almost not posting on Monday, we finally have a winner! Congratulations Rach! You get to go on to round 9! As for Bill, sorry man, you had to lose two in a row. But there's next time.
Anyway, it seems to work so I'll do it again. Here's me begging for you guys to participate in this and I'll even say what the rules are again!
1. You pick a movie you think its bad
2. You write a brief short few paragraphs thing about said movie on why you think it's bad.
3. YOU EMAIL ME the brief short few paragraphs. I'll keep it on hold until Monday.
That's it. It's fairly easy. You can do it! Cause We're TREE-riffic (I'm copyrighting the HELL out of that!)
-Jason
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #8
AKA The Match That Almost WASN'T!
Since Travis won five weeks in a row, he and "Ballistic" had to retire. So now we got two different competetors, both who done it before. So here we go:
IN THIS CORNER is Mr. Bill Szany with:
THE CREEPS
The Creeps is possibly the worst and most depressingly disturbing piece of “cinema” you will ever feast your poor eyes on. You know Wolfman, Dracula, Mummy, and Frankie.. But do you recall the most famous monster of all? Oh, sorry. What I meant to say is that this H.P. Lovecraft classic features all the great movie (and book) monsters of our times, except for one tiny detail.. (And I do mean tiny) they are all midgets!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love midgets as much as the next guy. I mean who hasn’t wanted a midget stripper to pull down their pants and tickle their.. Oh wait, never mind that.
Anyways, the movie starts out promising enough. It begins with some very corny moments that will make you giggle giving you the false impression that you are about to enjoy yourself, but booooy are you ever wrong!!!
It’s been years since I tried to force myself to watch this movie so my memory is a bit foggy. If I recall correctly someone takes all the original copies of the Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, and Mummy novels and chants some type of weird thing and/or puts the books inside of something and then the monsters are supposed to appear. Something went wrong however during the spell, and that vital detail that was somehow overlooked or left out made the monsters turn out to be midgets rather than full grown monsters.
So these tiny monsters aka “The Creeps” at first seem pretty funny, especially Dracula,(whos played by a guy who was actually one of the Ewoks in Jehdi, and was in Ghoulies 2). Dracula makes some really cheesy comments in an extremely goofy accent, so it’s hard to not bust out laughing, up until the point when it gets really disturbing. I will not get in to all of that though. If you choose to watch it at your own risk you’ll find out what it is I mean, but I do not recommend this to anyone, because I’m not joking when I say it gets very disturbing as the movie goes on. Ok, I will say this much, he ties a girl up, tears her clothes and starts drooling all over her. In conclusion, the acting is awful, the speed of the movie is very slow, and once again it’s very disturbing but not in a good way at all. Like I said it has it’s unintentionally funny moments due to horrible dialogue and even worse acting, but you quickly forget the laughs once the disturbing moments come up and start to unsettle your stomach. In fact maybe this movie is the true source of my Ulcerative Colitis. Hmm.. I wonder?
Oh yeah, one more thing.. On the DVD there’s a special behind the scenes thing about what a great classic film of our times the movie is!! It’s really depressing because the actors and the director himself all seriously think they’ve made something breathtaking like Braveheart or Pulp Fiction.
AND IN THIS CORNER is Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! And her pick:
I Know Who Killed Me!
It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.
First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.
Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.
The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.
So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.
Alright, you should know what to do by now. This is a good one, honestly. Can't wait to see who wins.
Please, please, please please please please please someone send in a movie for next week? Please?
I hate begging.
-Jason
Since Travis won five weeks in a row, he and "Ballistic" had to retire. So now we got two different competetors, both who done it before. So here we go:
IN THIS CORNER is Mr. Bill Szany with:
THE CREEPS
The Creeps is possibly the worst and most depressingly disturbing piece of “cinema” you will ever feast your poor eyes on. You know Wolfman, Dracula, Mummy, and Frankie.. But do you recall the most famous monster of all? Oh, sorry. What I meant to say is that this H.P. Lovecraft classic features all the great movie (and book) monsters of our times, except for one tiny detail.. (And I do mean tiny) they are all midgets!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love midgets as much as the next guy. I mean who hasn’t wanted a midget stripper to pull down their pants and tickle their.. Oh wait, never mind that.
Anyways, the movie starts out promising enough. It begins with some very corny moments that will make you giggle giving you the false impression that you are about to enjoy yourself, but booooy are you ever wrong!!!
It’s been years since I tried to force myself to watch this movie so my memory is a bit foggy. If I recall correctly someone takes all the original copies of the Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, and Mummy novels and chants some type of weird thing and/or puts the books inside of something and then the monsters are supposed to appear. Something went wrong however during the spell, and that vital detail that was somehow overlooked or left out made the monsters turn out to be midgets rather than full grown monsters.
So these tiny monsters aka “The Creeps” at first seem pretty funny, especially Dracula,(whos played by a guy who was actually one of the Ewoks in Jehdi, and was in Ghoulies 2). Dracula makes some really cheesy comments in an extremely goofy accent, so it’s hard to not bust out laughing, up until the point when it gets really disturbing. I will not get in to all of that though. If you choose to watch it at your own risk you’ll find out what it is I mean, but I do not recommend this to anyone, because I’m not joking when I say it gets very disturbing as the movie goes on. Ok, I will say this much, he ties a girl up, tears her clothes and starts drooling all over her. In conclusion, the acting is awful, the speed of the movie is very slow, and once again it’s very disturbing but not in a good way at all. Like I said it has it’s unintentionally funny moments due to horrible dialogue and even worse acting, but you quickly forget the laughs once the disturbing moments come up and start to unsettle your stomach. In fact maybe this movie is the true source of my Ulcerative Colitis. Hmm.. I wonder?
Oh yeah, one more thing.. On the DVD there’s a special behind the scenes thing about what a great classic film of our times the movie is!! It’s really depressing because the actors and the director himself all seriously think they’ve made something breathtaking like Braveheart or Pulp Fiction.
AND IN THIS CORNER is Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! And her pick:
I Know Who Killed Me!
It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.
First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.
Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.
The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.
So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.
Alright, you should know what to do by now. This is a good one, honestly. Can't wait to see who wins.
Please, please, please please please please please someone send in a movie for next week? Please?
I hate begging.
-Jason
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #7 Winner
I know it says an hour left but I'm calling it. Poor Wings and "Land of the Lost" is lying in the corner, crying all bloody and bruised. But now I have to do this:
Travis and Ballistic, for the fifth week in a row, is the winner. As a result, I am forced to retire Ballistic and it cannot participate in the cage match, until I think up of a tournament of champions later on. Travis, however, CAN participate with a different movie but he has to wait at least a week before doing so.
I think we're gonna have to test Ballistic for steroid use. There'll be a huge congress hearing, where other bad movies like "Battlefield Earth" will go up and defend Ballistic. So for now, Ballistic is asterik free.
Monday starts a new game with two new competetors. One person will be returning with a new movie but the other will be brand new to this. Lets wish them luck.
And hey you! Yes you! You been reading this. You been voting. Why haven't you participated? It's easy! Dammit! Do it! Do it! Do it!!
You know you want to.
-Jason
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #7
This feature is only 7 weeks old yet, the last four weeks have been the most exciting thing we've seen yet. It's kinda crazy really. I've never seen SOOOOOO many people hate one just ONE movie. Sadly, no matter what the outcome is, this is the last week "Ballistic" can participate. So with that said, here is this week's challenger!
IN THIS CORNER! Wings from Caffeinated Joe! And his take on:
Land of the Lost!
Ugh. This movie was just bad. There are a few funny parts and I am sure you saw them in the trailer. Everything else is just blah and boring.
I am a fan of the original show. And I would have been a fan of a remake that was done well. This changed things that didn't need to be changed and tried to force humor in where it just did not work. Will Ferrel was great as Buddy the Elf, but since then, I have just not found the dude funny.
The sad thing is that the higher budget and the modern effects could have made a Land of the Lost flick that was both true to the original and awesome for today. Sadly, they went and blew the whole thing.
Don't rent it, don't buy it, just avoid it.
I know you guys are already familar with "Ballistic" so no introduction is needed.
On another note, I SERIOUSLY need people to keep this going. So if you been voting, you should think about joining. It's fun and who knows, you might go on to be a 5-week champion like Travis. Just shoot me an email (invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com!)
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER! Wings from Caffeinated Joe! And his take on:
Land of the Lost!
Ugh. This movie was just bad. There are a few funny parts and I am sure you saw them in the trailer. Everything else is just blah and boring.
I am a fan of the original show. And I would have been a fan of a remake that was done well. This changed things that didn't need to be changed and tried to force humor in where it just did not work. Will Ferrel was great as Buddy the Elf, but since then, I have just not found the dude funny.
The sad thing is that the higher budget and the modern effects could have made a Land of the Lost flick that was both true to the original and awesome for today. Sadly, they went and blew the whole thing.
Don't rent it, don't buy it, just avoid it.
I know you guys are already familar with "Ballistic" so no introduction is needed.
On another note, I SERIOUSLY need people to keep this going. So if you been voting, you should think about joining. It's fun and who knows, you might go on to be a 5-week champion like Travis. Just shoot me an email (invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com!)
-Jason
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #6 Winner
Here's a play by play on how it went down all week.
Rock N Roll Frankenstein was in the lead by one
Ballistic was in the lead by one
Rock N Roll Frankenstein was winning
Ballistic had only a few votes
BOTH WERE TIED
Ballistic was ahead by one
Then somewhere around Wednesday Ballistic JUMPED all friggin crazy. And now, for a fourth week in a row, Travis and Ballistic is the winner.
As a reminder, next week is Travis' last week to go, even if he wins. I got next week and the week after that planned out but I still need people to keep this going. Don't be the killer of this awesome new feature. Send one in today!
-Jason
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #6
Can Travis last for the FOURTH week in a row? Let's find out!
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger, Nolahn from Bargin Bin Reviews! And his choice:
"First, some perspective: When I say the Bargain Bin Review takes on “the movies no one else will touch,” the movies I’m talking about are the obviously bad direct-to-rental feature films used to help fill the shelves of your local video store. In other words, while we’ve all seen bad movies, I watch them on purpose.
So I know bad movies. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is unquestionably a bad movie -- we’re all on the same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an action flick, unexciting.
But respectfully, my entrant into the Cage Match is on a whole different level of bad. It is an ugly film.
My entrant is a messy, incompetent, unexciting film made all the uglier by the fact that it is allegedly a comedy. Think “Battlefield Earth trying to be funny in horrific, aggressively unfunny ways,” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.
For your consideration, I give you Rock & Roll Frankenstein.
Yes, that’s Frankenstein dressed as Elvis. Looks like fun, right? Just wait.
Years before I launched the Bargain Bin Review, I tested the waters with a blog called the Bargain Basement Review. Such was my enthusiasm and love for all things so-bad-they’re-good, I actually rated each film on three separate criteria: Cheesiness, Incoherence and Gratuitous Nudity. And it was good. Until I watched this movie.
Here was a film that scored well in my three criteria, yet managed to be the most horrible, joyless movie-viewing experience I've ever had. I felt violated. Not only did this film single-handedly derail my blog, but it took me over a year just to muster the nerve to try again.
So you’ll have to forgive me if I now skip over all the standard elements of a movie review and go straight for the hate letter.
To the creators of Rock & Roll Frankenstein:
I fucking hate you. No, REALLY -- this isn’t some kind of faux-angry rant, I would physically beat you to mush, using a 2x4 with a nail in it, for subjecting unsuspecting world to your “film.”
It’s sad, because you had a great premise: Lazy music producer enlists his pre-med nephew to build a Frankenstein creature from the body parts of famous dead musicians. “Frankenstein Elvis” is a pretty sweet elevator pitch, yet you managed to do unspeakable things to it.
Apparently you weren’t content to settle for bad dialogue, porn-quality acting or sluggish pacing -- you had to make the movie physically painful to watch. I have to wonder, did you aspire to be the next Troma Entertainment? Because you failed. Lloyd Kaufman is f’n Orson Welles compared to you douchebags.
For future reference, the following items -- all played for laughs multiple times in this film -- are not funny:
* Anal rape (and no, I don’t care how big of a prop you use);
* Being gay (Guess what? Over the last 30 years, the rest of us sorted out that gay men are not all lisping serial rapists.);
* Liberace’s penis;
* Talking penises;
* Watching someone argue with their talking penis;
* Watching someone masturbate to pictures of cadavers;
* Piles of dead hamsters encased in condoms, having been killed by being shoved up a character’s ass.
In short, this film is practically an argument for your abortion. You owe me those 88 minutes of my life. I sincerely hope you never make another movie again."
Whoa. Well. Since this is the fourth week it's probably a bit repetitious to post what Travis said about "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" So without any hesitation, let's get this cage match going! Good luck to both parties!
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger, Nolahn from Bargin Bin Reviews! And his choice:
"First, some perspective: When I say the Bargain Bin Review takes on “the movies no one else will touch,” the movies I’m talking about are the obviously bad direct-to-rental feature films used to help fill the shelves of your local video store. In other words, while we’ve all seen bad movies, I watch them on purpose.
So I know bad movies. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is unquestionably a bad movie -- we’re all on the same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an action flick, unexciting.
But respectfully, my entrant into the Cage Match is on a whole different level of bad. It is an ugly film.
My entrant is a messy, incompetent, unexciting film made all the uglier by the fact that it is allegedly a comedy. Think “Battlefield Earth trying to be funny in horrific, aggressively unfunny ways,” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.
For your consideration, I give you Rock & Roll Frankenstein.
Yes, that’s Frankenstein dressed as Elvis. Looks like fun, right? Just wait.
Years before I launched the Bargain Bin Review, I tested the waters with a blog called the Bargain Basement Review. Such was my enthusiasm and love for all things so-bad-they’re-good, I actually rated each film on three separate criteria: Cheesiness, Incoherence and Gratuitous Nudity. And it was good. Until I watched this movie.
Here was a film that scored well in my three criteria, yet managed to be the most horrible, joyless movie-viewing experience I've ever had. I felt violated. Not only did this film single-handedly derail my blog, but it took me over a year just to muster the nerve to try again.
So you’ll have to forgive me if I now skip over all the standard elements of a movie review and go straight for the hate letter.
To the creators of Rock & Roll Frankenstein:
I fucking hate you. No, REALLY -- this isn’t some kind of faux-angry rant, I would physically beat you to mush, using a 2x4 with a nail in it, for subjecting unsuspecting world to your “film.”
It’s sad, because you had a great premise: Lazy music producer enlists his pre-med nephew to build a Frankenstein creature from the body parts of famous dead musicians. “Frankenstein Elvis” is a pretty sweet elevator pitch, yet you managed to do unspeakable things to it.
Apparently you weren’t content to settle for bad dialogue, porn-quality acting or sluggish pacing -- you had to make the movie physically painful to watch. I have to wonder, did you aspire to be the next Troma Entertainment? Because you failed. Lloyd Kaufman is f’n Orson Welles compared to you douchebags.
For future reference, the following items -- all played for laughs multiple times in this film -- are not funny:
* Anal rape (and no, I don’t care how big of a prop you use);
* Being gay (Guess what? Over the last 30 years, the rest of us sorted out that gay men are not all lisping serial rapists.);
* Liberace’s penis;
* Talking penises;
* Watching someone argue with their talking penis;
* Watching someone masturbate to pictures of cadavers;
* Piles of dead hamsters encased in condoms, having been killed by being shoved up a character’s ass.
In short, this film is practically an argument for your abortion. You owe me those 88 minutes of my life. I sincerely hope you never make another movie again."
Whoa. Well. Since this is the fourth week it's probably a bit repetitious to post what Travis said about "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" So without any hesitation, let's get this cage match going! Good luck to both parties!
-Jason
Friday, January 08, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #5 Winner!
I...don't know. I don't believe it. I mean it's "Transformers 2" for cryin' out loud. Michael Bay. Racial stereotype robots. Stupidity. A unneeded sequel. Michael Bay. I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. This just means I have to watch "Ballistic" one day. If this movie doesn't make me wanna kill myself, I'm gonna question all you guy's opinion.
Anyway, Travis and "Ballisitc" is the winner for a third week in a row. The rule I stated when I started this was a movie can go five weeks total before I step in and force it to be retired.
This whole thing is almost like the Hulk Hogan movie "No Hold's Barred". Travis and "Ballistic" is my Zeus and no one can step up to beat them. But out there someone is a Hulk "Rip" Hogan to do a "No Hold Barred" match in an octagon ring. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BEAT ZEUS??? Then step up! Submit a movie! DO IT!
Anyway, Travis will go again on Monday against someone and we'll see how that plays out.
-Jason
Monday, January 04, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #5
I'll be honest. For the fifth round I had to finagle my way to getting a challenger. It totally worked and now we have a contender to go up against the champ. So let's get to it, shall we?
IN THIS CORNER! Mass Invader Maria and her pick:
Transformers 2: The Revenge of the Sith or Something!
In Q&A format, here's why Maria hates this movie:
Jason: you seen transformers 2?
Maria: with rifftrax
Maria: and that didn't help any
Jason: ok cool
Jason: and now WHY do you think it's the second worst movie you ever seen?
Maria: uuuuuuuh because it sucks the second most
Jason: why do you hate it?
Maria: it made my eyes bleed
Jason: was it the acting?
Maria: there was acting?
Jason: the action?
Maria: i'll now recreate a scene from transformers 2
Maria: gogogogogogogogogogo boom bang kablamoo gogogoggooog gogoo megan fox's cleavage bang boom kablamoo
Jason: was there racial STEREOTYPE robots? there were suppose to be two robots that do a horrible stereotype of black people
Maria: they were method man and redman
Maria: that's how the really are so it's ok
Maria: they were playing themselves
Maria: so I'm ok with it
Jason: in robot forms?
Maria: yeah
Jason: hm i see
Jason: was it super long?
Maria: yeah like 17 hours
Jason: and finally would you recommend this movie, even as a bad movie?
Maria: i would recommend that you don't see this movie unless you hate yourself
Alright! Sounds good (well sounds bad but you know what I mean)! And now THE CHAMPION, going for his third week in a row it's Travis with:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.
But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!
Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.
But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.
The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.
A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."
Ok you know what to do, which is the worst movie? And if you haven't seen neither or both, just vote on which SOUNDS worse. Does Maria have what it takes to dethrone a champion or will Travis reign for another week? We shall find out!
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER! Mass Invader Maria and her pick:
Transformers 2: The Revenge of the Sith or Something!
In Q&A format, here's why Maria hates this movie:
Jason: you seen transformers 2?
Maria: with rifftrax
Maria: and that didn't help any
Jason: ok cool
Jason: and now WHY do you think it's the second worst movie you ever seen?
Maria: uuuuuuuh because it sucks the second most
Jason: why do you hate it?
Maria: it made my eyes bleed
Jason: was it the acting?
Maria: there was acting?
Jason: the action?
Maria: i'll now recreate a scene from transformers 2
Maria: gogogogogogogogogogo boom bang kablamoo gogogoggooog gogoo megan fox's cleavage bang boom kablamoo
Jason: was there racial STEREOTYPE robots? there were suppose to be two robots that do a horrible stereotype of black people
Maria: they were method man and redman
Maria: that's how the really are so it's ok
Maria: they were playing themselves
Maria: so I'm ok with it
Jason: in robot forms?
Maria: yeah
Jason: hm i see
Jason: was it super long?
Maria: yeah like 17 hours
Jason: and finally would you recommend this movie, even as a bad movie?
Maria: i would recommend that you don't see this movie unless you hate yourself
Alright! Sounds good (well sounds bad but you know what I mean)! And now THE CHAMPION, going for his third week in a row it's Travis with:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.
But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!
Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.
But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.
The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.
A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."
Ok you know what to do, which is the worst movie? And if you haven't seen neither or both, just vote on which SOUNDS worse. Does Maria have what it takes to dethrone a champion or will Travis reign for another week? We shall find out!
-Jason
Friday, January 01, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #4 Winner!!
And so the winner, and still champion for a second week in a row is Travis with
"Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever"! I actually can't believe this movie is this bad. "The Dark Backward" actually sounds worse but hey it's what you, the people, picked.
HOPEFULLY someone will step up and submit a movie for Monday's challenge. If not, there won't be one. So if you like this feature, then get to it!
-Jason
Monday, December 28, 2009
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #4
Man, last week's battle was crazy. It dethroned a champion and a new champ emerged. Does this week's challenger have what it takes? Let's find out!
IN THIS CORNER!!! Rachael M., a Mass Invader who decided to try her hand at this cage match. Her movie today is:
The Dark Backward! Take it, Rach!
"Adam Rifkin wrote the script for The Dark Backward when he was 19 years old. And it stars Judd Nelson. So, we’re already ahead of the game in this cage match. This movie will teach the young film student that you cannot out-Lynch David Lynch and win. It will never happen.
Judd Nelson plays Marty Malt, a nerdy and nervous and very sweaty stand-up comedian who is a garbage man by day. Bill Paxton is his accordion-playing garbage man friend, Gus. Why does Gus always carry an accordion? Unknown. Gus eggs Marty on to follow his dream of becoming a successful comedian. Even though the jokes are truly atrocious. (A man goes in to get a hair cut. The barber tells him he can’t cut his hair because the man is bald. So the man says, “Cut off my ears.”)
I’m getting bored just writing this.
Gus is obnoxious. Just completely in-your-face. He brings talent scout Jackie Chrome (Wayne Newton) to see Marty’s show and, of course, nothing happens. And when Marty thinks things couldn’t get worse, a strange lump starts growing on his back.
He is growing a third arm.
Jackie Chrome is actually looking for a three-armed comedian. And Marty’s career starts to swing. With the cloying Gus in tow, the stale and nonsensical jokes flow and it is just painful to watch.
The Dark Backward is apparently intended to be a satire of the film industry. However, it is absolutely uncomfortable and off-putting. It’s difficult to sit through the physical ugliness of the film and the overacting cheesiness of the main characters. There are absolutely revolting scenes with a corpse in the dump and obese women. The vile nature of Rifkin’s vision may be to shock the viewer, but it ends up more upsetting.
You can tell from the opening scenes that Rifkin intended for this movie to be a cult classic. But he tried WAY too hard. It is pandering, annoying, boring, ugly, and a clear rip-off of the style of David Lynch. With no redeeming lesson. Just gross people being gross for the sake of being gross.
I understand that young film makers get “crazy” ideas. And wait around for their big break. But this movie is simply an opportunity that went horribly awry. Instead of a meaningful commentary on the film industry or Los Angeles, it is a “how disgusting and avant garde can I possibly be” exercise in futility. It’s boastful. It’s obnoxious. It means nothing.
Over-reaching, over-acted, dismal and boring. The Dark Backward is the sad result of having too much time and money on one’s hands."
AND THE CHAMPION!! Travis of The Movie Encyclopedia with:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.
But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!
Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.
But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.
The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.
A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."
Holy crap, this is gonna be another good one! So VOTE VOTE VOTE!! Voting closes Friday morning and later that day the winner will be announced. And as always, I'm looking for people to participate in this, so if you wanna, this time is big bold letters:
Email me the movie and a description on why YOU think it's bad to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and it will be used in a future Cage Match! You never know YOU might win weeks in a row.
Good luck Rachael and Travis!
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER!!! Rachael M., a Mass Invader who decided to try her hand at this cage match. Her movie today is:
The Dark Backward! Take it, Rach!
"Adam Rifkin wrote the script for The Dark Backward when he was 19 years old. And it stars Judd Nelson. So, we’re already ahead of the game in this cage match. This movie will teach the young film student that you cannot out-Lynch David Lynch and win. It will never happen.
Judd Nelson plays Marty Malt, a nerdy and nervous and very sweaty stand-up comedian who is a garbage man by day. Bill Paxton is his accordion-playing garbage man friend, Gus. Why does Gus always carry an accordion? Unknown. Gus eggs Marty on to follow his dream of becoming a successful comedian. Even though the jokes are truly atrocious. (A man goes in to get a hair cut. The barber tells him he can’t cut his hair because the man is bald. So the man says, “Cut off my ears.”)
I’m getting bored just writing this.
Gus is obnoxious. Just completely in-your-face. He brings talent scout Jackie Chrome (Wayne Newton) to see Marty’s show and, of course, nothing happens. And when Marty thinks things couldn’t get worse, a strange lump starts growing on his back.
He is growing a third arm.
Jackie Chrome is actually looking for a three-armed comedian. And Marty’s career starts to swing. With the cloying Gus in tow, the stale and nonsensical jokes flow and it is just painful to watch.
The Dark Backward is apparently intended to be a satire of the film industry. However, it is absolutely uncomfortable and off-putting. It’s difficult to sit through the physical ugliness of the film and the overacting cheesiness of the main characters. There are absolutely revolting scenes with a corpse in the dump and obese women. The vile nature of Rifkin’s vision may be to shock the viewer, but it ends up more upsetting.
You can tell from the opening scenes that Rifkin intended for this movie to be a cult classic. But he tried WAY too hard. It is pandering, annoying, boring, ugly, and a clear rip-off of the style of David Lynch. With no redeeming lesson. Just gross people being gross for the sake of being gross.
I understand that young film makers get “crazy” ideas. And wait around for their big break. But this movie is simply an opportunity that went horribly awry. Instead of a meaningful commentary on the film industry or Los Angeles, it is a “how disgusting and avant garde can I possibly be” exercise in futility. It’s boastful. It’s obnoxious. It means nothing.
Over-reaching, over-acted, dismal and boring. The Dark Backward is the sad result of having too much time and money on one’s hands."
AND THE CHAMPION!! Travis of The Movie Encyclopedia with:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.
But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!
Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.
But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.
The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.
A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."
Holy crap, this is gonna be another good one! So VOTE VOTE VOTE!! Voting closes Friday morning and later that day the winner will be announced. And as always, I'm looking for people to participate in this, so if you wanna, this time is big bold letters:
Email me the movie and a description on why YOU think it's bad to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and it will be used in a future Cage Match! You never know YOU might win weeks in a row.
Good luck Rachael and Travis!
-Jason
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