The Challenge: 1997-Justice League of America

I'm barely squeaking this in for the month but I watched it and now I'm writing about it. For this months Challenge, Nolahn decided to take it easy with me, and had it tie in my miserable failure of a blog-a-thon called Summer of '90's by having me review the made-for-TV/never seen pilot of "Justice League of America". In turn I gave him..."House of the Dead".

Fuck, he's gonna strike back with a vegenace.

Anyway. JLA: The Live Action Series, isn't too bad. It's pretty fucking simple. So simple I can break it down thusly:

The Plot-A guy calling himself The Weather Man is able to create weather on command and threatens New Metro, U.S.A (I thought it was New Metro Republic of Chad!) to destroy the city with a hurricane, tornado, a hailstorm, and finally a tidal wave if the city doesn't pay $200 million. The only people that can stop The Weather Man? The Justice League!

The Characters-There's The Flash, who when he's not The Flash is an unemployed guy who gets kicked out of his apartment. He moves in with Atom, a science teacher who can shrink down to the size of...well you know, and The Green Latern, who seems to have girlfriend problems. There's also Fire, who is an aspiring actress, and their leader who they simply call John despite him being an alien. So these people all got their powers one way or another (I'm sure if you're watching this, you're a fan of the comics and know already. I didn't but I didn't really care either) and now formed the Justice League to help humanity.

We also meet who's gonna be Ice. These people have real names but I'll be damned if I can recall them. One of them is named Ben? Terry? Joe? I dunno, whatever. Anyway, Ice works for Eno (I remember that one), who's played by Miguel Ferrer, who was in...a lot shit. He's pretty cool. Anyway, Eno runs some weather institute and Ice is his right hand girl. Ice falls for him. Too bad he's...oh I shouldn't spoil it. Yeah, you can see it coming but whatever.

Anyway, one night Ice spills water on something we don't see and she gets her powers. Now she can randomly freeze things. Well sometimes. Sometimes she touches a glass and it turns to ice, other times she touches it and it does nothing. The JLA finds out and wants to recruit her.

They put her through training but she can't concentrate with everyone looking at her. She ends up being worthless up until the end.

The Problems-Where to start. Fire doesn't do a damn thing to disguise herself when she's Fire. Everybody else wears disguises but she simply puts on some makeup and "OMG WHO IS FIRE?!?!" At least Superman put something tangible on to hide who he was. This chick is like "Eh, just a tad bit of green here, they'll never know!" There's a subplot where this stalker Martin figured it out based on the earrings he gave her but she's like "NO! That's not me! What are you talking about?!" This gets resolved by alien John, who can change his apperance, appearing as Fire in front of the real Fire. Martin is satisifed and he leaves to jerk off to her picture.

Second problem, throughout the entire show, they keep cutting to these interview style things where the JLA are talking...about stuff that's not happening in the episode! I don't get the point of these! And who are they talking to?? I hope this wasn't suppose to happen in every episode cause if it was I would've burned something.

Ok so eventually it's revealed that Eno is The Weather Man (big shock I know) and he's gonna waste the city by crushing it with a tidal wave. The JLA fly around doing stuff while Ice just mopes around. She eventually realizes she's the only one to stop this by freezing it before it hits the city. The city is saved. Except it's never mentioned how they unfroze it and stopped it from hit the city eventually.

There's a bit at the end where she and Atom is walking around and some kids are playing in some water coming from a fire hydrant. She does her thing and it starts snowing. People are happy about this. I'd be pissed! The kids were playing in water in bathing suits! Now they're gonna freeze to death! Good job, Ice. Give kids hypothermia.

Ok, so there's no images cause the only way to really see this is on Youtube, so if you want you can watch it, starting here. Overall, it wasn't TOO terrible and it was kinda fun. If Miguel Ferrer was gonna be the villian throughout the series I would've watched just for him. But get rid of those annoying interviews. Ugh.

-Jason

Wow! Another Award!

I thought being nominated for three Lammy's and winning two was a big acheivement for me. But lo and behold I won another award! Awesome!



Unfortuately, some baggage comes with this award. I guess it's like being Spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. So anyway, let's do this!

1. I have to thank the person that gave me the award. Mucho thanks to TheGreatWhiteDope over at TheGreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blog-Zilla! He's an awesome bad movie reviewer and everyone who thinks I'm funny (all 2 of you) should read him cause he's REALLY funny.

2. I have to list 7 interesting things about me. Fuck, I think I said all the interestings about me in the past awards/memes I've done. Ugh. It's probably gonna get personal...fuck it, let's do this.

A. My mom pretty much raised me my entire life. My dad was still heavy in my life but I only got to see him on weekends during school and anytime during the summer. I love both my parents equally and they are both super awesome and I couldn't ask for better parents. Ugh, I almost cried. Knock it off.
B. I have a 13-year-old half sister. My mom married my stepdad when I was 13 and about three years later my sister was born. Her name is Jenny and she's....a typical teenager. And unfortantly she LOVES Twilight.
C. Despite being a tough guy, I have some fears. Fear of lightning, fear of heights, and fear of dying overall.
D. I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to caffine. I know doing podcasts make me a borderline alcholic. Speaking of...
E. Ever since I did the first LAMBcast, I had to have a drink or two before recording. When speaking to people, I tend to get nervous and withdrawn. So the booze loosens me up a bit. The first LAMBcast I did, the zombie one, I can't listen to cause I fucked up so many things it's embarassing.
F. I want to create my own TV show. I've written a couple of pilots for TV shows I've come up with. One of the shows I came up with, I have about 6 episodes written out completely. I know I just turned 30 and you really gotta know somebody in the biz, but you never know.
G. I think this makes seven. Jeez, that's a lot. Anyway, despite all the cussing and bad-assery, I'm more or less a pacifist. I hate fighting. I never got into an argument with any girlfriend, past or present. I never ended the relationship, I was always the dumpee. I don't like starting fights. Any fights people pick with me I seriously didn't mean to start. When someone does say to me that they hate me or whatever, I get depressed and wonder why. Exceptions: Those two retarded Canadians I dealt with some years ago, and that Gina chick from last week.

Phew. I feel like I just went through therepy. I'll send you all a check. Oh, right one more thing.

3. Now I have to give this award...to FIFTEEN FUCKING PEOPLE! Ugh! This is literally everybody I know:
1. Fletch at Blog Cabins
2. Nick at Random Ramblings
3. Travis at The Movie Encyclopedia
4. Nolahn at the Bargin Bin Review Blog
5. Rachel of Rachel's Reel Reviews
6. Stacie at Final Girl
7. Caitlin at 1416 and Counting
8. Reel Whore at Reel Whore
9. Scott at He Shot Cyrus
10. The Mike at From Midnight With Love
11. Small Town Critic over at Smalltowncritic.com
12. Rick The Hat over at Stop The Planets of the Apes, I Want To Get Off
13. Emily at The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
14. Dave over at Dave's Film and DVD Reviews
15. This Guy at This Guy Over Here

Ok, that's not everybody I know. Those are the first 15 or so in my movie blog folder. If you weren't list, don't take offense. I read a shit ton of movie blogs, especially from fellow LAMB's, so I just couldn't get to everybody. Sorry.

To the people above, you all have to do the same thing. I know, it's gonna be tough. If you can't do 15 people, do like....5 or something. Fuck it, I'll change the rules. The hell do I care.

There, now I'm done. I'm gonna go have a drink.
-Jason

New Date My Mom Review

Gosh, I don't know what could've compelled me to do another Date My Mom episode.

Date My Mom: Lesbian Edition

Enjoy!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1994-Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok...OK!

I'm sorry. I've been slacking when it comes to this blog-a-thon. I'm sorry. See what had happened was I ended up working 9 days a week, plus the busiest time for us (back to school) decided to happen in the summer instead of August, when it should be. And with it being "nice" (actually hot as fuck) outside, the fiancee wants to do something called "going outside" and "do stuff". So a lot of my movie watching time has been spent doing other things.

Anyway, I'm here to do a 1994 flick titled "Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight".

I'm sure you remember "Tales From The Crypt". It was an HBO show that ran for several years in the late 80's and early 90's. It was sort of like "The Twilight Zone" which each episode being a mini horror movie and the cast had super famous people Lea Thompson, Amanda Plummer, Joe Pantoliano, and Robert Wuhl. Well, ok super famous for the 90's.

It was hosted by The Cryptkeeper, a dead guy who just LOVES puns. In fact, in way, this movie is sort of a pun. I'll explain that. Well, much like any TV show, this is the movie version. It's pretty much just a longer version of a story that would appear on "Tales".

The movie starts with the same intro as the TV show does, a long pan through an old abandoned house. We go through a secret passageway and end up in a secret crypt. Then we come to a coffin and out pops the Cryptkeeper! Then it jumps into a story suddenly.

A chick with big tits killed some dude and she called her boyfriend telling him he did it. She takes a bath to wash the blood off when it's revealed this is all fake! It's for the Tales From The Crypt movie! And the guy playing the dead zombie guy is Dan Fielding aka John Laurelquette!

The Cryptkeeper is directing and he stops to tell us the story that's really our movie. So isn't this more like Tales From The Set of "Tales From The Crypt: The Movie"? Whatever.

So the story is kinda simple really. There's two dudes, one named Brayker and the other simply called The Collector. The Collector is played by Billy Zane, who was channeling 80's Bill Paxton. Maybe it's a Bill thing. (My friend Adam is probably laughing at that right now)

Anyway, Brayker has something that belongs to The Collector: a key. Billy Zane has six keys and he needs the last one. Brayker and Billy play chick with some cars and the cars both explode. Breyker survives and runs to the nearest town. He stumbles upon Dick Miller, the cool older guy from "Gremlins" and asks Dick where he can stay for the night.

Dick takes him to a hotel that use to be a church. How that worked out is a mystery but whatever. The hotel is run by CCH Pounder, who plays Irene. There are other people staying in this hotel and it's your stock characters. You got:
-The Whore
-Dude banging the whore for free, named Roach, and he's played by Thomas Haden Church.
-Wally, dude obsessed with the Whore, and he's played by the voice of Roger Rabbit.
-And Jada Pinkett before she was Smith, as a work release prison inmate.

So Brayker checks in and tries to chill out, but Billy didn't die either. He stumbles upon the two cops checking out the car crash when they get a call about someone breaking into a car. It was Brayker earlier so they check it out and end up at the church hotel.

Billy asks Brayker where the key is at and the cops locate it. Just as they are all about to head to the station, Billy goes crazy and kills one of the cops and reveals he's really a fucking demon. Brayker breaks free and de-demonizes the place. The rest of the movie was pretty much remade in "Feast".

By that I mean a group of people are locked in a place and things outside want them dead. But if they can make it till morning, everything will magically be alright. Well, Billy isn't cool with this and he uses his demon powers to enter the minds of some people. He starts with the Whore, who turns into a demon and kills Wally, who was trying to fuck her. P-P-P-P-PLEASE EDDIE! Don't let me get a STD!!!!

Billy creates some zombie demons (hence demon night or knight cause that's what Billy calls himself later on) and the only way to kill these things are by taking out their eyes. It's kind of a cool device really and provides a lot of neat scenes. While Billy waits patiently, Roach is annoying and wants to give Billy Brayker so he can just leave in peace. There's a scene in a tunnel but they have to go back cause Billy shows up.

Eventually, everyone is either killed, or tempted by Billy until it's down to Jada Pinkett. Brayker provides some backstory which is kinda hard to explain. I'll just say it involves the seven keys, all being lined up right, and if done so, all the demons take over the earth and kills all the humans. And something about God and Jesus and the first line of Genesis.



No, not "I Can't Dance".

Pretty much if Billy wins, we're all fucked. And Brayker has been alive since the 1900's cause this power can be passed down to people. This part is kinda convoluted so let's jump to Roach stealing the key and giving it to Billy. Billy decides to kill Roach after all (RAID?!?!) and goes to kick some Brayker ass.

Irene, who lost an arm earlier, decides to blow herself up and take some demons with her. Jada Pinkett gets tempted but refuses. Brayker is injured in a fight with Billy and passes his power to her so he can die. So now it's Jada Pinkett vs Billy. It's kind of a boring showdown cause all she does is spit Jesus' blood (long story, part of the convoluted part) into Billy's face and he blows up. So now Jada Pinkett has to roam the Earth while a replacement Collector shows up after Jada.

So that ends and we go to the premire of The Cryptkeeper's movie. There's several puns involving the word "cut" and the movie ends. Ta-da.

Overall, it's a good movie. I was entertained and liked it. I didn't get all excited or go "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" during any of it, but it's still watchable. Billy Zane is a trip in the movie and I think he made it worthwhile. The convoluted part makes sense in the movie, it's just hard to explain so don't get worried by that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got a DEAD in the COVEN! HAHAHAHA!!!

-Jason

More like Date My BITCH! OH SNAP!

The following I'm about to tell you really happened. As I mentioned on FaceBook if you follow me or this blog/site, it'd be too damn sad if I was making this up. Nonetheless I will be providing screencaps so you can read for yourself what was said.

Before that though, I'll need to start at the beginning because I got some new fans (yay it went up from 5 to 10! I'm in double digits now!) and they possibly don't know any of this.

Some years ago I started doing on The Site reviews for a MTV dating show called "Date My Mom". I wrote about the premise and why I review the episodes here, so if you don't know anything about any of that, read that. I'll wait.

*cough cough*

Oh, welcome back.

Ok, so the first episode I reviewed focused on this guy named Troy. He went on three dates with three mom's willing to pimp out their daughters to get on TV. One of the three focused on this chick named Gina and her Mom Donna. Now I'm quoting from my review, which I quoted from THE EPISODE ITSELF! This was put on BROADCASTED NATIONAL TELEVISION!

So the mom goes on a date with Troy and shares that Gina is a remote control hog and they both sing horribly especially in the shower. I'm watching this, and writing a humorous review on this god awful show so naturally I pick on these things. I imagine people were amused and I went on with my life.

(By the way, this episode is my favorite thing I ever reviewed. I'll tell you why at a later date.)

So flash forward to earlier this week. I'm minding my own business stalking my ex-girlfriends on FaceBook when I get a message. A PERSONAL message. I rarely get those. I click it and read it's from one Gina. And it said the following (Click on pic to read it bigger...that's what she said):



My response was "...holy shit, what???" I had to look up the episode but when I found it I was excited. A real person that was on that show contacted me! I get to uncover some truth! How very journalistic of me!

But I wanted to start small, why blow my load right up front. So I sent a small friendly message back asking just some basic questions. What I had hoped was she would read my questions and friend me on FaceBook, then I'd get to ask her more questions about this exprience she went through. So the first three questions I asked her was this:



I don't see any problem with the questions I asked her there. So I hit submit and waited patiently for her to respond. and by "waited patiently" I mean I looked through her FaceBook pictures. Damn, she's hot.

The next day I got a new message and it was Gina! Sweet! I got my notebook out, opened up my Word, and prepared to write the blog post of a lifetime. This was the last message she sent me:



Well. That was NOT the response I was expecting. I was kinda stunned actually. I mean, what did I do? I was nice and civil throughout the whole thing. Hell, I was nice to her in the review! I didn't say one bad thing about her or her Mom. I said the mom was nice and Gina was hot in a pre-nosejob Ashlee Simpson kinda way. I guess you could find that insulting but I think Ashlee Simpson was hot before her horrible nosejob! So I don't get it. I didn't say anything that wasn't said by her and her mother. I was nice. I was polite. And I agreed with her, that show is pretty horrible. But check it out! She admits it IS scripted!

So as you probably noticed, she found a way to block me from ever contacting her again. Which sucks cause, what the fuck? Why did she say that? The hell is she talking about?

Then it hit me like a ton of cliches. Here I thought someone was being nice and reaching out to me and wanted to let me in on this MTV show. But it turns out after all...she's just a bitch.

Plus, notice how she ends both messages, even the one where she unnecessarily insulted me, with "God Bless". I take this more as a trendy thing to say rather than her being religious and actually believing in God and stuff.

So to wrap up, why am I even bothering writing about any of this now? Well a few reasons:
1. I think the overall thing is amazing and funny.
2. It makes a good story.
3. It proves Date My Mom is scripted and isn't just a fevered dream I have.
4. The real reason, in hopes that Gina will contact me again and tell me what the fuck her deal is and why she insulted me and made false claims against me, THEN does the chicken shit thing and prevents me from contacting her. I COULD sue her but honestly, my lawyer is busy with another case at the moment. But when White Castles settles....you better watch out, Gina Remote Hog!
-Jason

PS: The Itunes thing is bullshit, thankfully. Unless her stage name is...Ke$ha? Could it be???

You Guys Wanna Watch A Horror Movie?

That's the whole thing. Hope you enjoyed!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #7: America Kicks Ass!

America! Fuck yeah!!

Them awesome patriots Jason and Nolahn are back with two red blooded American martial arts films! First there's the Michael Dudikoff classic American Ninja featuring the best ending sequence ever since Blazing Saddles. Then we show that chicks can kick just as much as when we talk about the Cynthia Rothrock film Undefeatable

We also debut a new segment Come Clean: Sponsored by The Foxy Goat where Jason and Nolahn have to answer a question and must come clean. The topic for this Come Clean is Holy Grail Movies. Trailers are found in the links section.

Also in the links section: The brand new FaceBook page for The Lair of the Unwanted. So go there, click Like This and get all the updates and partake in any questions we might have for you.

Without further ado, here's the links!

The FaceBook Page!

Jason's Holy Grail Movie The Boneyard
(Ok, it was 1991 and it was a morgue. I was pressed for time, ok?)

Nolahn's Holy Grail Movie RoboGeshia

Thanks and enjoy!
-Jason

Poll Results; New FB Page

All 9 of you have spoken. I have created a FaceBook group dedicated to The Lair of the Unwanted. So now if you want juicy news and updates and to be more interactive (More=SOME interactive, come on write in or something, will ya?) you can get it all in on fancy FaceBook page! Woot or something!

Here it be.

Enjoy and thanks!
-Jason

I Have A Confession To Make

A couple of months ago I decided to go to Disc Replay. I'm sure I mentioned them before. It's a place you take dvd's, games, and CD's and get money, then they sell them. So it's one giant used video/music store. I like going in there cause you can find some gems from people who don't know any better. (The amount of The Asylum films in there is mindboggling because "Wait, this is TRANSFORMERS!")

So I'm rooting around there and I came across "The Descent" for like 5 bucks. I looked at it and much like a movie, I hear sound clips in my head:

"The Descent: BEST MOVIE EVER!!"
"The Descent: SUPER SCARY!!"
"The Descent: SO SCARY YOU'LL SHIT YOUR PANTS, YOUR NEIGHBOR'S PANTS, AND YOUR DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S PANTS!!!!"
"The Descent: AHHHHH!!!!!"

I haven't seen it so I decided to take a chance and purchase it. It was only 5 bucks. Why the fuck not?

So I buy it and take it home. A few days later I pop it in and....

What the fuck? This movie is BORING! I'm sorry, it is.

Now, before you flame me or send death threats, hear me out. I can sit through a movie with a long set up. I'm not the type that needs wiz-bang action happening all the time. But the first HOUR of this movie is nothing but chicks, in the dark, climbing all over the place. No weird monsters. No HINT of a weird monster. Just chicks, some more annoying than others, stumbling around in the dark.

And god damn, the annoying chicks, WERE FUCKING ANNOYING! I couldn't wait for some of them to die. Then I kept wondering when that was going to happen. My interest peaked up when the monsters did show up and started attacking but I think I was just happy SOMETHING was happening.

Again, I'm sorry, ten million people that seem to love this movie. I watched it. I was bored by it. I wasn't scared. I didn't care for it. The beginning with the accident was cool. The rest put me to sleep. The monsters were ok. The ending was confusing because there's a sequel. I don't know.

I guess I'll check out the sequel at some point. I'll tell you one thing though. I won't be buying it.
-Jason

PS: Anyone want a copy of The Descent? For Cheap?

BREAKING NEWS!!

I just came across this.



I want this to be real. I WANT this to be real.

Here's a news article stating that it is real but I've read stuff about stuff being real and it turned out to not be real. You can read the entire article but I wanna point out something specific:

The film has gained a cult following since its appearance on "Mystery Science Theater 3000," spawning several stage adaptations and even a documentary on the film.

STAGE Adaptation?! There was a STAGE ADAPTATION!! Why the fuck was I not informed of this! I want to see a stage adaptation of Manos! Fuck that, I wanna PUT ON a stage adaptation!

Aw, who am I kidding? I'm having a hard enough time finding people to come over to watch a movie, who am I gonna get to be in a stage adaptation of a movie?

Anyway.

My thoughts on this trailer:
-I like the guy playing Torgo. I don't get what's he's doing in the beginning though. And what's up with the chest tattoo? Torgo didn't have that...did he?
-The second wife shown is pretty fuckin' hot. I bet the third wife, the old lady, was someone involved with the first movie.
-I love the remix of the Manos song. The hand dancing, although impressive, went on a bit too long.
-Again, the guy playing Torgo is awesome. When they cut to him during the hand dancing, I laughed at those moments.
-Finally, the bit at the end with The Master spoofing the Bill O'Reilly thing was good. I wonder if this is what the entire movie is gonna be like.

Yes, I can't wait. This better be worth the 3 year wait. Wait...2013? But the world's gonna end in 2012!!! GASP!!!!!!!!
-Jason

PS: For those confused, here's my review of Manos: The Hands of Fate

Summer of 90's-1992: Dr. Giggles

Well. "Dr. Giggles". Hm...

Yeah well...Larry Drake, you see, he was popular? Eh.

Ok, I don't know how to start this damn review. So you're gonna get thrown right into it, ok? Ok.

We're in the town of Mooreshigh and a bunch of years ago, the town doctor Dr. Rendell had a wife who had a heart problem. The more sick she got, the more crazier he got. He got so crazy that he went around randomly killing people and taking their hearts to "fix her broken heart". The townspeople eventually got wind of this and in true "Nightmare on Elm Street" fashion, instead of getting the police involved, or even the F.B.I, they just got together and killed the doctor. It was well known he had a son, Evan Junior, but he somehow escaped.

Flashforward to "present day" (AKA 1992) and Dr. Evan Rendell, Jr AKA Dr. Giggles, has escaped a mental hospital and is going back to Mooreshigh for revenge! We then meet Jennifer, who is dating Max. She has a heart condition (uh oh) and can't do much of anything.

On the final day of school, everyone goes out and parties! Jennifer doesn't feel like getting it on with Max, who has constant blue ball syndrome. Meanwhile, Dr. Giggles is getting set up at his old childhood home and has decided to kill the townspeople, one by one.

The way he kills the people is a treat. He basically uses comically giant sized versions of medical tools. He uses a giant tongue depressor, giant nose scope thingy, he even has a fuckin' band-aid big enough to cover Andre the Giant. Oh and a goofy slasher movie wouldn't be complete without a bunch of groan-worthy one-liners, all medical related.



"You're lucky I make house calls!"
"This will hurt you more than it will me!"
"Sounds like you need a second opinion!"
"Don't worry, it's ouchless!" (Said after killing someone with the band-aid)
"Is there a doctor in the house?"

So clearly, this movie is NOT suppose to be taken seriously, which is good cause there's a shitload of flaws and continuity errors in this movie.

Eventually, he sets his sights on Jennifer's heart problem, flashbacking to his mom's problems. He manages to snag her and take her back to his home/office to operate on him. Earlier, some cops were checking out Dr. Giggle's place and the old timey cop who looked like Lorne Green or Ernest Borgnine tells the story of how Young Evan escaped the house.

Evan Senior pretty much sewed Junior into the dead body of his mother and at the morgue, Junior cut his own way out. They show this in great detail and is a pretty cool scene, honestly. What they DON'T explain is how he ended up in the mental hospital or why he waited so long to get his revenge.

But whatever.

The last 20 minutes is your typical slasher movie with the good guy and the cop trying to rescue the girl and the killer won't die. He even fuckin' explodes and that doesn't stop him. The girl later eventually stops him. Cookie-cutter stuff. But the trip through the typical stuff is a fun ride.

This is far from a "great" movie, but it's pretty damn fun. Larry Drake, who's only two famous roles (That I'm aware of) is the bad guy in "Darkman", and the "mentally challenged guy" on "L.A Law", was pretty good as a one-liner saying crazy ass doctor. He's kind weird looking anyway so playing a scary dude is pretty much right up his alley.




-Jason