The Bride of Frank

In the first Tuesday Round-Up, I mentioned I was going to try to watch this film at some point in the week. Today being my off day and it being -300 degrees outside (I think all this bad weather in the midwest is just a way of Canada getting revenge on us for making fun of them for all these years. I'm sure they have some weather controlling machine.) I decided to pop this movie in and see what all the fuss is about.

All the fuss=one guy I see at roller derby continually asking me if I seen it yet. So next month's bout I can say I did and never take another recommendation from him again. Ok, I'm jumping ahead.

"Bride of Frank" centers on a dude named Frank, who is a homeless person. A trucking company every so often picks up homeless dudes and takes them on their routes to help unload the trucks, then they get some money and are dropped off again. This company liked Frank a whole lot so they let him stay in their offices in exchange for being the night watchman and doing some cleaning. Frank is ok with this.

It's hard to put into words how Frank acts during the movie. Every so often he mumbles his lines that they have to subtitle him. If only someone working on "The Room" would've thought to do that. Actually, picturing Frank as Johnny is giving me fits of laughter.

"mumumumb you are tearing me apart mumumumu...."

Anyway. The movie opens up with Frank in a truck and he spots a little girl. He begs the little girl to help him find his cat. When she climbs into the truck with him, he confesses he lied and just wanted her company. I got an uneasy feeling because this was just the beginning of the movie and I didn't know anything about this guy. So immediately I thought "great, we're gonna watch a movie about a pedofile. Thanks, guy at roller derby!"

Before I started dialing the F.B.I's number, Frank bashes the little girl's head in, then proceeds to run her over with the truck and for the final act, eat her brains. This turns out to be a dream. Frank goes to work and the person he's riding with DOES NOTHING BUT SCREAMS LIKE THIS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!! AND YOU THOUGHT I SAID FUCK A WHOLE LOT, YOU SHOULD HEAR THIS GUY! AND IF HE REFERENCED HOW BIG HIS DICK WAS ONE MORE TIME I WAS GOING TO THROW THIS DVD INTO THE FROZEN POND BEHIND MY APARTMENT!!

We get a glimpse of Frank's down time. He cleans the office. He watches TV. He has five cats he takes care of. One of the warehouse people realizes it's Frank's birthday, so they have a party for him. There, we meet all the other people at the warehouse, with names like Sal The Mouth and Bernard the Tongue and Vinny the Eyes and Pauly the Nose. Ok, some of those names I made up.

Frank gets not one but two blow up dolls for his birthday, one of them a sheep. They have a discussion about the best way to fuck a sheep. Alrighty then. During the party, some over-exaggerated nerd shows up looking for directions and while doing so he insults Frank. Frank doesn't take this shit and threatens to rip his head off and shit down his neck. The nerd doesn't believe this until the warehouse guys grab him, tie him up, and let Frank literally cut his head off and shit down his neck. And yes, we do see this happen. This movie is special.

Later that night, Frank is playing with the human form blow up doll and he bites the tits, which deflates it. The warehouse workers realize that Frank is obsessed with tits. Well, any guy is obesses with tits. Tits are nice. But Frank's love of tits is on another level. And not just any type of tits, he LOVES big tits!

The warehouse guys take Frank to a strip club and there's a 10 minute scene of Frank groping the stripper. Well "Stripper". This is one of those strip clubs where the girls don't take their clothes off. This doesn't cure Frank's desire of tits and he wants them more.

The warehouse guys than put in a personal ad in the papers to find a girl for Frank. They stress the big tits thing in the ad, which I didn't know was possible or else I would've done that 10 years ago prior to meeting my fiancee. The next half of the movie is a slow montage of the dates Frank go on.

First up is a somewhat plump Jewish girl who doesn't like Frank's apperance and just makes fun of him for five minutes straight. Frank takes a knife and stabs her through her chin, then he gropes her huge tits for five minutes.

Next is clearly a guy dressed up as a girl. The drag queen pulls Frank's dick out and starts sucking it and Frank is into it until he pulls the wig off. The drag queen yells at Frank saying he'll be the only person in the world that'll suck is dick. If you're wondering, we don't see Frank's real dick. So don't fill your head with horrible images. There's enough coming up. Anyway, Frank kills the drag queen.

The third date is special. The girl is rather large and Frank is just gaga over her. The girl strips nude and Frank gets a major hard on. He wants to fuck her, but she just wants him to jerk off. Frank doesn't take too kindly to that and threatens to cut her eye out and skull fuck her. And true to his word, he does. And we see it happen.

It needs to be seen to be believed. It's just an amazing scene.

Two more girls show up but they get away with their lives. Then the movie gets trippy when Frank has a weird dream that's hard to describe. Eventually, an older lady named Delores shows up and god damn she has huge tits. Delores and Frank hit it off, they go on a date, and soon, he proposes marriage. She accepts, they get married, and they lived happily ever after.

There are some scenes of the wedding during the credits but Frank isn't in them so they're not important. The only reason to watch this movie is Frank. When you get past the beginning scene with the girl, you'll grow to like Frank. He's a gross human being but you kinda feel for him. He just wants female company. And to feel huge tits. Who doesn't wanna feel huge tits? If you say you don't, you are a liar.

This movie, believe it or not, is available on Netflix so if you have that, check it out. I'm giving this movie a break cause I know it's hard to make a movie and the guys that made this movie just wanted to make something fun, no matter how weird it got. It was made in 1997 and I don't know if Frank is still alive. I'd like to think he is and he's somewhere reading this review. Frank, buddy, I wish you nothing but the best. Because I know if I don't, you'll kill me.

-Jason