Monday, February 21, 2011

Rewind: Disturbia

(I wrote this review in April 2008, back before I was popular. Yes, I'm assuming I'm popular now. Anyway, this was during the first "30 Days of Horror", an all-horror fest I use to do. But now I got a crappy job that doesn't allow me to do it again. Oh well. Here, one of my favorite reviews that I've written, is "Disturbia".)

The following is a top secret transcript of a meeting between a Producer and a Random Teenager (known as RT), found in the vaults of Dreamworks studios.

Producer: Hello [Random Teenager]. I bought you here today because we need your help to tell us what you want to see in a modern horror movie.

RT: Yuck. Horror movies are so yucky, with all the blood and the body parts flying everywhere. Why can't you make...I don't know...a romantic horror movie?
Producer: Romantic, we can do that. Have you ever seen the great Hitchcock classic "Rear Window"?
*RT gives a blank stare*

Producer: Right. Who care's about "old" stuff, huh? OK! So here's what the writers came up with. And there were three of them. We have a guy-
RT: Make it a hot guy. Like, that "Transformers" guy.
Producer: Ok Transformer guy. Got it. Transformer guy is a good kid and on the last day of summer vacation, he breaks his leg-
RT: UGH! No one breaks their legs anymore, old fogey!! Nowadays, everyone does badass shit, like, punch their teachers!
Producer: That's good! So Transformer kid punches his teacher and while in jail, he witnesses a murder.
RT: Jail? Ugh. I had to watch that "Oz" show cause I thought it was about The Wizard of Oz. It's about prison. Did you know that?
Producer: I think I heard that, yes.
RT: No jail stuff. This one kid I knew had to do house arrest for, like, six months for beating his mom up.
Producer: Excellent! House arrest!
RT: Where's the romance, dude?
Producer: Right, romance. Um, a hot beautiful girl moves in next door-
Producer: Umm...we'll see what we can do. Anyway, Transformer kid falls for the girl next door, all the while being bored out of his mind being trapped in the house for a month. He decides to spy on his neighbors-
RT: Ew but I like it.
Producer: You's gonna take an hour to set up this romantic angle.
RT: So what? It'll be, like, important later on. It'll show that Transformer kid is hot, even though he's being horrified.
Producer: Right. Um, anyway, we'll also have a black friend who-
RT: That is SOOO RACIST!!!
Producer: Asian?
RT: That's better. Asian's don't get to be sidekicks in movies. It'll do the Asian people proud to help a hot white kid.
Producer: Ok. So the Asian kid he's the comic relief and is a stoner-
RT: My parents won't let me see movies with drug references.
Producer: It's ok, it'll just be assumed. So finally after setting up an hour of the romance stuff and showing Transformer kid going crazy, he thinks something is up with one of the creepy neighbors.
RT: OMG! You should get that Harrison Ford guy to be the creepy guy! He's so creepy lookin'!!
Producer: We'll see what we can do. Anyway, Transformer kid sees Creepy Neighbor do a bunch of weird stuff like chase a girl around his house, and drag a big plastic mat full of blood and stuff. So he'll send Asian kid over to check it out and we'll have you think Asian kid died!
Producer: I know! And since he's under house arrest, if he crosses this line, the cops will immedately show up! So he does it the cops will show up, and they can't find evidence!
Producer: So Transformer Kid's mom goes over to apologize, we find out Asian kid isn't dead-
RT: Phew!
Producer: And it'll turn out...Creepy Guy IS A MURDERER!!
Producer: I know you didn't cause we had you think it was all in Transformer Kid's head but it wasn't!! HAHAHA!!
RT: Where's the girl?
Producer: Oh right, girl. Um...after Creepy neighbor knocks out Mom, drags her down three flights of stairs, drag her over a mudhole full of dead bodies and ties her up, all within 2 minutes, Creepy Neighber will then magically teleport to Transformer Guy's house and attack him! Girl shows up and saves Transformer Guy and he runs back to the house to get his mom.
RT: Mom. I like that word. You should have Transformer Guy say that word about a thousand times.
Producer: You got it! So after taking 20 minutes having Transformer Guy wander around the house, Creepy Guy will show up all out of nowhere-
RT: He's a wizard!
Producer: Yes! He'll be a wizard! And try to kill Mom and Transformer Guy, but after a fight in the dark, Transformer Guy kills Creepy Guy, Transformer Guy is off his house arrest for capturing a famous serial killer, and we'll make our contractual obligation to mention Youtube at least once in every modern day horror movie and the end!
RT: YAY!!!
Producer: So what should we call it?
RT: Hot Teenager Saves The Day!
Producer: How about...Disturbia?
RT: Whatever. I'm just gonna leave after the romance stuff. Let them horror geeks jack off to the blood and guts stuff in the second half.


1 comment:

Dan said...

Great "review"! Disturbia was insulting in its all-round awfulness. Hitchcock would be turning in his grave if he knew his masterpiece was ripped-off with such witless, uninspired filmmaking. One of the worst films of the last ten years.