Jason on Jason: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

*Snicker* Sure. The FINAL Friday. Whatever you say, yo.

So what would it look like if "Friday the 13th" actually had a plot behind it? It'd look something like "Jason Goes To Hell". I'm guessing someone at New Line said "Let's have a Friday the 13th film where Jason finally dies." My response is "Well, he kinda died in Part 8. Why can't THAT be the "final" Friday?"

I guess some people didn't like Part 8 and so a whole film had to be made to find the most elaborate way to kill Jason, while ignoring Part 8 completely. Because we start with a chick arriving at Camp Crystal Lake and she's by herself. She gets naked, gets in the tub, and is about to bath in a horribly rusted bathtub when the lights go off. Of course she investigates and soon, Jason shows up to kill her.

But she manages to quickly wrap a towel and run through the forest with Jason chasing after her. The chick stops for a breather, but here comes Jason! He's about to slash her when...

Lights come on! SWAT guys come out of nowhere! Then they drop a fucking bomb on him, blowing him up in a million pieces. So they just NOW thought to do this? And here's the weird part, I thought no one knew about or believed in Jason yet somehow a whole SWAT team is here to blow him up?

And for some reason, they take the blown up body to the morgue. Why? Just fucking, I dunno, burn all the body parts. Something. But some medical examiner guy is poking around Jason's body when he finds the heart. And it starts pumping. And for no fucking reason whatsoever, the guy just EATS the heart.

Yum. Jason Voorhee's heart. I'd love to see that be a secret ingredient on Iron Chef.

"Tonight's secret ingredient is.......
*whoosh*
JASON VOORHEE'S HEART!!!!! AHHHHHHH CUISINE!!!!!!"

Well, turns out eating Jason's heart makes him possess your body. The examiner's partner picked the wrong time to show up and start making fun of Jason and threaten to poop on Jason's face.

I bet that's a fetish site somewhere. www.pooponmyhockeymask.com. $9.99 for the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, we then go back to the nearby town and the town is celebrating Jason's death. The local news show is running a special report about a guy named Duke who thinks Jason isn't really dead but he knows how to do it. The reporter, Robert, offers Duke $10,000 to do the job.

Then the local restaurant is making hockey mask hamburgers to mark the occasion. We meet Diana, a waitress at the restaurant. Duke shows up and tells Diana she knows what she must do. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is the town's sheriff and he puts Duke in jail.

Also at the restaurant is Steven. Steven use to date Diana's daughter Jessica until something that's never explained cause them to break up. Now Jessica is dating Robert and it looks like she and Steven had a kid that he doesn't know about. Jeez. Diana tells Steven to meet up with her to drop some heavy news on him. I already see where this is all going but I'll let it play out.

One the deputies stays behind to watch Diana for some creepy reason but his shift is over, so he meets up with his date. Jason, who's possessing the body of the examiner, kills the date and drags the deputy to some empty house, where he shaves the deputy, then possesses him. I guess Jason doesn't like facial hair.

Now that Jason is in this new body, he goes to Diana's house and tries to kill her. Steven shows up, tries to save her by throwing the deputy out the window. And it's here that I notice this movie either rips off or pays homages to other horror films. Here, we get a "Halloween" rip off when the deputy falls out the second story window and lands face down. But when Steven looks back out...the body's gone! GASP!

And of course the sheriff shows up, finds his girlfriend dead, and pins it on Steven. Steven is thrown in jail and there he meets Duke. Duke tells Steven that Jessica and their daughter are direct relation to Jason and only Jessica can kill Jason. But Jason wants to kill Jessica and the baby before that happens.

You know what's funny? Steven, when he meets the baby for the first time, says he doesn't know it's name. And neither do we. Ever in the movie. I guess that makes all of us the father?

Anyway, Steven escapes from jail and goes to what's called The Voorhee's house. Wait, he has a house in town? Why didn't he ever just stay there? Again, just like Michael Meyers. Oh AND the whole "He has a sister that he's after" angle. This movie LOVES "Halloween".

Did I mention the sheriff's name is Loomis? Yeah...

Anyway at the house, he hears a noise so he goes and hides when Robert shows up. Robert is on the phone (Zach Morris phone FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!) and of course he explains to the person on the phone his EVIL plan! He's only fucking Jessica to get closer to the whole Jason angle. He even went so far to STEAL Diana's body and hide it in the house so they can find the body when they film some live event the next day.

Holy fuck, dude! You STOLE A BODY?! God damn! I hope Jason possesses you and everyone spends the whole movie shooting you over and over again.

Oh snap, that's exactly what happens.

There's a point where Steven kills Robert in front of Jessica, who doesn't get the whole possession thing so she thinks he did it out of jealousy. When Jessica runs to the police to report Steven, Robert/Jason shows up and try to possess Jessica. She now believes.

Duke, who I forgot about, escapes from jail. Steven and Jessica goes back to the restaurant, where the baby is at. Robert/Jason shows up and we get some pretty cool kills here when he kills almost everybody in the restaurant. Jessica goes to where the baby is and finds that Duke took it and they're at Jason's house.

Jessica arrives at the house where Duke tells her what she must do, even giving her the knife to do the job. She doesn't want to, for some reason. But when Jason shows up in a new possessed body, they try to kill him but she stupidly drops the knife. D'OH!

When the body Jason is in is no longer any good, the heart just says "Fuck this" and decides to look like a giant tad pole. Actually, it looks like a demented sperm. Steven asks Duke if the Voorhees needed to bring Jason back to life has to be alive and he says no. So we get a shot of the sperm going between Diane's legs...

OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S YOUR SISTER!

Man, I have a way of finding these weird incest films. Nick Jobe gets the rape films, I get the incest. Fantastic.

Anyway, Jason is fully "reborn" and he looks like himself again. Steven decides to distract Jason while Jessica finds the knife. So Jason had no problem randomly killing strangers, but he just plays around with Steven? He just throws him around, throws harmless stuff at him, and maybe lightly punches him. The fuck, dude? Rip his throat out! Twist his neck! SOMETHING!

But this goes on long enough for Jessica to find the knife and stab Jason. Then we get a light show. Cause all weird spirital films in the early 90's had to have a light show. The ground opens up, demons grab Jason, and soon he does go to hell. At least we have a title.

And we get the famous final scene of Freddy's glove popping up from the ground and grabbing Jason's mask and pulling it down with him. Hm, I wonder where THAT'S gonna go.

So it's weird watching a "Friday the 13th" film that had so much plot and stuff happening. For like 8 movies it's been nothing but slash slash hack kill kill then Jason is stopped in many different ways. This time, they try to explain the whole thing on how Jason never dies (even though EVERYTHING fucking melted away in New York City but whatever) and what it'd take to finally kill him.

Does it work? Not really. I was somewhat bored with the whole thing. I just wanted Jason and some good kills. It's what I expect in a "Friday the 13th" film. If I want elaborate stories with some good kills, I'd watch another horror series like "Hellraiser" "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or some movie John Carpenter wrote and directed. I can't think of the name right now...



-Jason