Some people say "You're the best horror expert ever!" and while I try to remain humble and say thanks, I realize they were talking to someone else behind me and I just got in the way. But I still like to think I know a LITTLE something about horror movies and think I could pick out, say, 6 or 8 horror movies for an awesome scary movie festival at my house.
But here's a catch: Now that I'm in the 30's, I know a lot of people with kids. And as tempting as it is to put in the Facebook Invite (Welcome to the 21st century) NO FUCKING KIDS, most likely they'll bring them along to show off their cute Halloween costumes, which is either gonna be a pumpkin or something not scary at all like a pink bunny.
I can just hear all my female readers go "AWWW!"
Anyway, I need to be smart and pick some good scary movies but with the mindset of kids being around. Let's go!
1. So let's say I want to start the party at around 1PM cause we're gonna be watching a shit-ton of movies. It's early in the afternoon, the food is still cooking/hasn't arrived yet (30 minutes or less my ass) and people isn't interested in hearing my story of meeting Tommy Wiseau again for the 20th time. What do I do?! I pop in:
You got kids, monsters everyone knows, and the movie doesn't nessessarily pander to kids or adults. It's the perfect "family" film, as it were.
2. Ok, now it's around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. If you're doing this on Halloween (or the day your city says it's ok for kids to go trick-or-treating, like the Saturday before) most likely the parents will go take their kids out, or the kids will just roam around themselves. Yeah, they'll be fine. There's no creepy people in my neighborhood...except that guy who lives in that house by himself at the end of the block. He never seems to cut his grass...anyway. Now it's just adults for a little bit, we got two hours but you wanna save the good scary stuff for later at night. What now? I recommend:
Ok, you got the bit of nudity at the end (both male and female) which is why this is the perfect movie to put on while the house is kid-free. Plus, this movie is a must-A MUST-for any good horror movie fest.
3. Now it's around 6 or 7. The kids-or some of them-are back and now they're concerned with the candy. While the parents are checking the candy for anything harmful like razor blades, poison, or candy corn, you all need to watch something together, but the kids are amped up at this point. So let's go with something a bit classic, shall we? How about:
It's kid friendly ENOUGH but still pretty good and the kids will probably find it scary. Plus when the scenes where zombies aren't present, they can focus on opening their candy.
4. Now the kids are all wired on candy and running around. It's nothing but high energy craziness! You need something where you don't have to focus too much on plot and maybe matches the same amount of craziness. Let's go with:
I didn't go with the first one cause it's probably too scary. The second one does have scary moments but it's campy enough to watch with a room full of screaming kids running around, beating each other up with pillows or whatever it is kids do nowadays (probably just run around texting each other on Twitter or some such thing. BAH!)
5. It's close to midnight! The kids have crashed from all the sugar and are sleeping in the other room. Some other people either left cause of all the screaming kids, or the parents are concerned their kids haven't returned yet. So now it's just you and your TRUE horror loving friends left. It's time to get into the shit. And that's when I pull out this movie. I'm going with this cause it looks fucking awesome and it's something not ordinary like "Halloween" or "The Exorcist". And if you come to MY house, you expect to watch at least one cheesy movie. And that movie is:
(I love that this trailer is nothing but the same note of music being played over and over again.) Again, I haven't seen this movie yet but I hear it's awesomely bad. I really can't wait to watch it.
6. Ok it's probably around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not tired, I got a few people left. All the parents have left with their kids so we can pretty much watch anything. Since we have one movie left in us, I go to my awesome movie collection and pick out:
(FYI THE TRAILER IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. WHY ARE YOU READING MY SHIT AT WORK ANYWAY?!)
As you can see, there's A LOT of tits and overall nudity in this movie. And this movie is laughably bad. It's a good midnight/after midnight movie to watch cause of the nudity and the horrible zombies. I do recommend this movie if you're able to watch a zombie movie that doesn't take itself serious.
And so that's it. There were a bunch others I had in mind but I couldn't really fit them anywhere. I'll probably do another post sometime this week where it is ADULTS ONLY. That should be fun.
-Jason
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