Reader's Choice: Starship Troopers

This is it. This is THE movie (next to "Cool As Ice") that people come up to me and say "Man, 'Starship Troopers' huh? That's a bad movie!" expecting me to go "Oh hell yeah! Fuckin' terrible dood! Fuckin' Sully, kid!" And then they wonder why I suddenly turned into a guy from Boston. But anyway, I have now finally seen "Starship Troopers" and I'm gonna tell you, I was not expecting that!

I was expecting cheesy fun. Some bad acting. Maybe bad CGI. Scenes that feature nothing but explosions and gun fighting. I was NOT expecting a weird movie starring a bunch of former TV stars and future has-beens. And I didn't know it was based on a novel, BY FUCKING Robert Heinlein of all fucking people!

Ok so the movie. It's sometime in the future. They never say the years so I'm gonna go with 289,989. In this future the "military" is replaced with this thing called "The Federation. They're not called "soldiers" they're called "Citizens", as opposed to "Civilians". It's all rather confusing and, ok maybe I'm not surprised Robert Heinlein wrote this.

Anyway, we meet Johnny Rico. Oh my fucking God I love that name. He's in I guess high school. Michael Ironside is his teacher and he's teaching about being in the Federation and stuff. Rico is dating fuckin' Denise Richards, who plays Carmen. And you won't believe who their friend Carl is played by. Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, fucking guess.

Did you guess NEIL PATRICK HARRIS? Cause I sure as hell didn't. What the hell is he doing in a giant alien bug movie in 1997? Man! So anyway. Carl is psychic and he's trying to teach Rico how to be psychic, cause I guess it's something you can teach in the year 289,989.

So Rico wants to sign up for The Federation but his parents, who are rich, want to send him to Harvard. Pfft, so the world is WAY different 200 million years in the future, but fucking HARVARD still exists?! Love it! And yes, I'm aware of the symbolism here about either going to college or fighting in the army. But do you know why Rico wants to go into The Federation? Not cause he loves his country, or planet, or whatever.

It's because Carmen is going. That's all. Jesus.

OH! You know what else happens in the year 289,989? Football is now INDOORS! And men and women can play together! There's this chick named Desi who I thought was played by Keri Russell but she's Not Keri Russell, and she has the hots for Rico but he puts her in the "Friend Zone" OH SNAP! How do you like it, women?!?! AWWW YEAAH!!

Or is this?!?!

Is THIS Keri Russel?

After Rico fights with his parents and storms out of the house, he signs up for The Federation and he's put in the regular army fighting guys whereas Carmen is signed up to be a pilot. I'm gonna stress that Denise Richards is playing a character where she's a pilot. But then later, she plays a scientist, so maybe it was just jobs on her bucket list. If she ever does a movie where she's a nuclear physicist, I won't be surprised.

Anyway, Carl is sent to another part that's top secret cause he's smart. And psychic. Or whatever. So Rico goes to what's pretty much boot camp and it turns into "Full Metal Jacket" for a bit, with a drill sergeant yelling at everybody and making them do tough thing. Only difference is women are allowed.

So let's talk about this for a moment. A million years in the future, women FINALLY earn the right to get mixed in with men. There's a scene coming up that made me wish we were in that future now. Eh, I'll just tell you now. Men and women take showers together. And they're all out in the open about showing their tits and whatnot. It's an awesome scene. I almost cried.

So Carmen meets this guy named...Kevin? Sure we'll go with that. I'm horrible with names, I swear. Anyway, Kevin is this handsome type that makes Rico feel threatened. And he should. Cause after a week of being a pilot, Carmen tells Rico through "letter" (AKA, a video message) that they're breaking up.

Oh, and I almost wish I watched this movie with someone else so we can have this conversation:
"Is that Jake Busey?"
"Look at those teeth, that's a Busey alright."

Yes, Jake Busey shows up, as Ace, a guy in the army or whatever with Rico. Rico does a great job at simulating war that he's chosen to be the squad leader for another fake fight but with real bullets. He leads the way, but some dumb guy takes his helmet off and is instantly shot and killed.

Rico's punishment? A whipping. Seriously? It's the fucking future! Why not, I dunno, a dozen small robots with sharp teeth biting at his scrotum for 5 minutes? A whipping? And I love in movies where white guys are getting whipped, a black dude does the whipping. It's hilarious to me.

After the death of dumb guy, Rico thinks he doesn't have what it takes to be in the Federation, and is about to leave. He calls his parents and they're talking when the sky at his parents house gets dark and suddenly the call is cut off. Uh-oh!

Pretty much, and kind of out of nowhere, giant bugs from another planet attacks Earth and destroys several cities, including the city Rico, Carmen, and Carl is from. OH MY GOD you won't believe where they're from??

FUCKING BUENOS ARIES! SOUTH AMERICA!

I thought "It must be ANOTHER Buenos Aries" but nope. They showed the map in the movie. It's fucking South America. So in the future, white people decide "You know, we could just take over EVERY city in the world and put our people there! HA!" I fell out of my couch when that happened. Man, it's the little things, let me tell you.

Ok, so Buenos Aries is destroyed and this gives Rico a reason to fight, so he stays in the Federation. Almost instantly, everyone is shipped to the bug planet to fight the bugs. And the instant they land, the humans get their ass handed to them. And Rico dies.

Yep. He dies. I didn't see that coming. So I guess we'll focus on Carmen as she becomes a pilot and fucks Kevin and-

Wait. What? They found Rico's body and put it in this container where they bring him to life?!? WHAT? They can bring people back to life?! WOW! So...can't they bring other people back? No? They won't? Why? Cause Rico is our hero and he's the only one in this entire movie that deserves to be bought back to life? THE FUCK???

So yeah, that part lost me. And as a result, Rico, Desi, and Ace are sent to another unit called The Roughnecks, which is lead by Professor Michael Ironside! And Ironside runs the Roughnecks with an IRON fist. HA! Get it? Cause....

Oh. He actually has a robotic hand in this movie. So...yeah.

Anyway.

The Roughnecks are sent back to the planet to scout for more bugs and go to a Federation base, where they find the bugs attacked and killed everyone besides the General, who pussied out and hid in a locker. They realize there's another bug, called The Brain Bug, who sucks out people's brains for whatever reason.

Carmen thinks Rico is dead so she fucks Kevin, I'm sure. Michael Ironside dies in combat, which puts Rico in charge of the Roughnecks for whatever reason. I guess it's like in that new "Star Trek" movie where Kirk went from ship stowaway to Captain in .09 seconds.

Rico demands that a "crazy pilot" shows up to save them. HMMM I WONDER WHO'LL THAT BE OH SHIT IT'S CARMEN! Rico also gets to fuck Desi finally but she too is killed in combat. Y'know, Rico, you KNOW that thing that BOUGHT YOU BACK TO LIFE?!?!?! Why don't YOU use it??? I mean, she's NOW you're girlfriend. Asshole.

Whatever. So the end as our heroes looking for this Brain Bug and they find it and he is one ugly motherfucker. Carmen manages to disable it when Rico shows up with a nuke, which could easily kill ALL THE BUGS but he doesn't. YOU ARE A SHITTY LEADER, RICO!!!

Instead, some other guy grabs the nuke and blows all the bugs BUT THE BRAIN BUG up. Turns out, off camera, some other guy captured The Brain Bug. That other guy? The drill sergeant. Wow. And so the movie ends with everyone promoted and they're off to fight another day!

And that was "Starship Troopers". It's a weird fucking movie which makes NO SENSE but...I still liked it. It wasn't horrible and it wasn't "so bad it's good" it was just kinda alright. I couldn't shut my brain off cause things just didn't make sense like WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BRING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE?!?!?!?!?!??!?! UGH that bothered me so much. OUTSIDE of that, it's an enjoyable movie and I'll watch it again. At least there were tits in it. Oh, now I'm thinking about that again. Excuse me, I'm gonna go freeze myself. Don't wake me up until the year 289,989.


-Jason

And that's it! Reader's Choice is now over! What a fun ride! As for the other movies from that list/poll, I will be getting to those soon enough. So thanks to everyone who voted and partook. I enjoyed myself.

Reader's Choice: The Long Kiss Goodnight

I really didn't have much interest in watching this movie until a few months ago it was chosen to be the LAMB's Movie of the Month and everyone on that episode talked about how crazy this movie was. So it got me curious and I decided to include it as a choice for you wonderful readers out there.

First off, the movie is directed by Renny Harlin, who directed things like "Die Hard 2" and that one pirate movie with Geena Davis that I can't remember the name of right now. But anyway, he's like Diet Michael Bay: he makes movies with stupid action sequences but at least there's plot and the movie doesn't make you want to stab yourself in the throat.

"The Long Kiss Goodnight" starts with Geena Davis telling us that eight (8) years ago, she suddenly found self not remembering anything about her life, and pregnant. She goes by the name Samantha and she has a kid named Caitlin. She's dating some guy who's name I don't remember and she became a school teacher.

Anyway, she did hire some private investigators to look into her past but no one could find anything in eight years. Intro Mitch Henessey, played AWESOMELY by Samuel L. Jackson. Henessey is a low rent P.I who...has her hot secretary pretend to be prostitutes in order to bribe married men? I don't know, I found that whole part confusing. Once I figure it out, I shall steal that idea cause it sounds interesting.

Anyway, of all the P.I's in the world, Henessey gets some info on Samantha in a rather convoluted way. Something about a former landlord died and the landlord's grandson tried to use a credit card...I dunno this is the boring set up that no one cares about. Just he finds out somehow.

Apparently in the '90s, it was a thing to be in hiding from some bad guys but you end up getting filmed on TV. It happened in "Cool As Ice" and it happens here. Some guy is in prison and he spots Samantha on TV in a parade and he goes nuts and breaks out of prison.

Meanwhile, Samantha is slowly remembering small things, like how to chop carrots. This leads her to believe she was a chef in her previous life. I'd love to see a cooking show that mixes food and spying.

"Hey, this is Rachael Ray and in just 30 minutes I'll make yummy EVOO roasted potatoes and defuse this bomb while shooting machine guns. Stay tuned!"

Oh if Guy Fieri ends up being a spy, that'd be the most awesome cover ever.

"In order to hide who you are, you must pronounce your last name wrong, look and act like a douchebag, and say things normal people don't say, like 'Flavortown'."

Anyway.

Crazy guy finds Sam's house and she goes into spy mode and kills him. Henessey shows up too and they join forces to figure out who's trying to kill her. Meanwhile we're introduced to ten million bad guys. You got this one guy who looks like a '90s Clive Owen, you got her former boss, you had that prisoner guy, you have some old professor guy, and you have David Morse.

You know, unless you're watching "The Langoliers", if David Morse shows up in a movie, you need to assume he's the bad guy. Wait, wasn't he in "Drive Angry"? He was a good guy in that too. Hm...

Anyway. Again.

Turns out Samantha use to be a spy for the US Government named Charlie Baltimore. I had to stop for a moment cause I heard that name before. And you won't fucking believe this!



Odd thing is, Charlie Baltimore sounds like a total made up name, where as Samantha is a normal name. So I think her real name WAS Samantha but then she became a spy and changed it to the cool sounding Charlie Baltimore.

Anyway, being "spy Geena Davis" involves chopping off her hair, wearing lots of dark eye makeup and smoking non-stop. While showing your tits to everyone BUT the audience. BOO!! Once she remembers she's a spy, it turns into your typical '90s action flick. I will talk about some stupid action moments.

First involves running from '90s Clive Owen and his goons at a train station that has 9 stories for some reason. The goons chase our heroes up to the third floor and as they're about to make a run for it, the goons throw a grenade. Geena Davis sees the only way out is a window but they're three floors up. So they run, the grenade goes off, they OUTRUN a fireball, jump out the window, she shoots down at the ice, breaking it, and they land safely in the frozen water.

Bullshit moment #2 happens later in the movie. Ok so you know the bad guys had to go after her kid, that's why kids exist. I'm never having a kid cause I know all my enemies will just come after them to get to me.

I can't believe you hate "Murder Set Pieces". It's represents the government and-

Shut up. Anyway.

So '90s Clive Owen has the kid and Geena Davis is going after her. They have Samuel L. Jackson tied up to a chair in a room. '90s Clive Owen manages to capture Geena Davis and put her in a freezer with the kid and let them freeze to death. The bad guy's plan? It was so fucking convuluted it gave me a headache. Keep up with me.

The agency Geena Davis use to work for got it's funding cut. The head of the agency is a big baby so to prove to the President that his agency needs money, he's gonna set up his own complicated terrorist act that involved a former terrorist who tried to blow up the World Trade Cent-.....OH FUCKING SHIT WHAT?!?!?!??

My mind is blown! I mean, this was 1996. 9/11 was like 5 years away. A MERE five years! OH SHIT I KNOW TOO MUCH!! Now I'm definitely not having kids! Ok before I pack up my stuff and change my name, let's finish this.

Pretty much they're gonna blow something up and say a terrorist did it and the agency will go "Huh? See? If we had our money, we could've stop that! Huh?!" It's complicated. Anyway, Geena Davis and her kid is in a freezer and Samuel L. Jackson is upstairs tied up.

Geena Davis manages to smuggle in some gasoline and spills it all over the place and wants to blow the freezer door off. She manages to do this and with just an OUNCE of gasoline, she manages to blow up half the building and cause Sam Jackson to go FLYING OUT THE WINDOW TIED TO THE CHAIR AND LAND SAFELY OUTSIDE IN A TREE! I...WHAT?! THE FUCK?!? I MEAN!! WHAT?!?!?!

So Geena Davis manages to kill all the people that need to be killed and Samuel L. Jackson has a great line in this movie: "I'm not dead, motherfucker!" That should be on his tombstone. It's a shame "Snakes on a Plane" happened AFTER this cause I think this line is what he should be remembered for.

But I still love "Snakes on a Plane".

Geena Davis retires from the spy business and settles down in some country cottage with the guy and the kid. Samuel L. Jackson gets to meet Larry King (this really happened in the movie) and it's over.

This movie is so fucking ridiculous that it's a lot of fun. It's not a GREAT movie, but it's not BAD either. It's a movie you can watch some Saturday afternoon when you're bored and there's nothing to do. There's probably other movies you could watch but you won't be disappointed by this. And I'm glad I finally got to watch it.



-Jason

Reader's Choice: Die-Ner (Get It?)

I really don't know what to say about this, honestly. I know Nick Jobe pushed this movie and kept telling me I need to see it for the longest time now. So now that I did, what did I think about it?

The movie is about a serial killer named Ken, who shows up at a truck stop diner (GET IT?!) one night and kills the waitress and the cook. As he's about to leave, a couple named Rob and Kathy show up. Ken has to pretend to be a waiter and take their order. And he's about to kill them when a cop shows up. The cop is sort of suspicious of Ken's story about being new and wonders where the cook is, when the cook shows up. The same cook that Ken killed earlier.

Ken is baffled but comes to an immediate solution: zombies. Actually, him coming to this conclusion happened rather quickly. Most zombie movies (actually all zombies movie) the people either take forever to realize they're zombies or act like zombies never existed before. I always wonder what it's like to live in a world where zombie movies aren't made. Clearly in the world of "Die-Ner" they do cause Ken knew what to do immediately. But then there's a twist: cutting off the head or shooting them in the head doesn't work.

Ah, those kind of zombies.

Anyway, the cook bites the cop and Ken holds the couple at gun point while he acts like Ryan Reynolds. And he looks like Edward Norton. So try to wrap your head around that. So Ken is trying to figure out what to do and the couple is trying to escape. They manage to hit Ken in the head and knock him out. While Ken is having some weird dream about his Mom (it was really pointless and just put in to fill up on time) Rob and Kathy...DON'T tie him up.

....THE FUCK?!?!?! You don't need to be a cop to figure out that if some guy who is holding you at gun point gets knocked out the first thing you need to do is immobilize him! Jesus!!

So naturally he wakes up, pulls out a knife, cuts off Rob's finger, then ties the couple up. Ken goes outside and remembers that he killed someone else: the truck driver who gave him a ride. Turns out he's a zombie too.

You know what's fun about zombie movies? You can have them without explaining why zombies are there. I mean they're just zombies. Maybe there was no more room in hell. Maybe all zombie movies are happening at the exact same time (I just blew someone's mind with that). Maybe a comet flew by. I don't know and you don't need to know either.

Anyway, the cop eventually dies and while Ken waits for him to become a zombie, the couple gets loose, knock Ken out again, and they learn their lesson and tie him up this time. Hooray. Too bad when they get outside, they find Ken took something out of their engine so they can't escape.

Oh and more zombies come out of nowhere and attack. At first I thought maybe the people Ken killed are just coming back to life to go after Ken and that would've made an interesting premise. But I doubt Ken killed this many people in this exact city, so this is a zombie movie just to be a zombie movie.

Anyway, Rob is bitten and killed and Kathy is the most useless human being cause she doesn't know any to do anything (drive trucks, kill people, cook, etc) and unties Ken so he can drive the truck out. Then the cop's deputy shows up right when it looks like Kathy is actually the serial killer. And Ken isn't helping much.

But the deputy is eaten, Kathy eventually gets eaten, and Ken gets eaten in Capt. Rhodes style. And the movie just kinda ends with a truck drivin' zombie getting in his truck. I guess.

So did I like the movie? It was ok. Nothing special. I kinda had a love/hate relationship with Ken. I wish the story went a different way than just "well, here's zombies. Deal with it." Maybe I was expecting it to be more funny (The title is a lame pun, followed by "Get It?") but I was a bit let down. But overall, it wasn't a bad movie. Lord knows I've seen worse zombie movies, especially this month.

Ugh.



-Jason

Reader's Choice: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I have absolutely no way of putting together a comprehensive review for "Birdemic" that doesn't involve repeating the words "THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING TERRIBLE" over and over again so instead I'll just pay homage to Andrew over at BadMovies.org and just list off a whole bunch of things I've learned while watching "Birdemic: Shock and Terror".

-If you're an attractive white woman, you can eat and leave a restaurant without paying.
-If you're an attractive white man, you can stare at said white woman for 20 minutes then chase after her down the street until she gives you her phone number.
-The place you and your family go to take those horrible family photos also doubles has a modeling agency.
-A no-name model can get on the front page of Victoria Secret.
-You can sell software for one million dollars.
-If you're an attractive white couple, you can dance horribly while a black guy does karaoke.
-When you see the word "Imagine", you have to use horribly generic John Lennon music to accompany it.
-Some Asian stereotypes, especially in women, are true. Sucky sucky two dolla?
-Every incompetently bad movie must take place in San Francisco.
-This movie did to basketball what "The Room" did to football.
-Didn't get it right in the first take? Use a green screen to fix the scene!
-When the company you invested stocks in sells for a billion dollars, you can clap in a board room like an idiot for five minutes straight.
-Paying $19,000 instead of $20,000 for solar panels is a bargain.
-You're making a movie and you know the small town you live in is gonna have a parade? Write a movie around that parade! It'll be a great action scene!
-Instead of having sex for the first time in your own place, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend should get a hotel.
-The chick in "Birdemic" decided she wasn't getting paid enough to show her tits. Kinda sad really. She's really, really, REALLY hot.

-The day after you fuck a hot chick, birds are going to suddenly attack your town.
-When birds attack, they sound like bomber jets attacking England.
-How do you show somebody was in the military? By having them wear camo pants!
-Cheap wire hangers from a hotel is an effective weapon against attacking birds.
-Former military guys keep automatic machine guns in their mini-vans.
-The cheapest CGI software for a wannabe film make is from 1995. I kept waiting for the flying toasters to appear next.
-Despite birds attacking for no real reason, that isn't enough to slow down traffic on a busy highway.
-Bird attacks mean it's now the apocalypse and you can't go home. Ever. For some reason.
-You think gas prices are high now? Wait until birds attack. You'll WISH you were paying $4 bucks a gallon.
-Gay hipsters love Easy E.
-If someone off camera throws a bucket of orange juice on you, you will die.
-The worst possible way to die? Holding toilet paper while taking a crap in the desert.
-If a bird attacks you, you should stumble off to the side of the road so you have a comfortable place to fall.
-Standing on a bridge and looking at dead birds on the ground=studying birds and knowing what caused them to go crazy: BIRD FLU!!!
-Seriously, why didn't they just fucking go home?!?!?!?!
-Asian whores live in lighthouses.
-Even though the kids you're traveling with know it's the end of the world, they still want Happy Meals!
-Sitting in your car for 5 minutes while crying will cause all the birds in the world to stop attacking and fly into the ocean.

And that's it. There's probably some stuff I forgot, but overall, this is a movie you need to see to believe. The guy who made this movie made Tommy Wiseau look like Martin Scorsese. It is on Netflix Instant watch and there is a Rifftrax available. I recommend that, or watching this with some friends. This is bad. And my rating for this is based on how entertainingly bad it is. Seriously.

-Jason

Reader's Choice: Pinocchio's Revenge

I know people aren't going to believe me when I say this but, quite seriously, "Pinocchio's Revenge" is one fucking creepy ass movie. And it's pretty well made. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I was expecting a horrible corny "Child's Play" rip off, and in all rights it kinda is. But it's like "Child's Play" meets, I dunno, "Silence of the Lambs" or something.

The movie starts "Five years ago" (So 2007) and a cop is just driving along when a parked car just suddenly jumps out of nowhere, scaring him. The cop runs the plates and finds it belongs to a guy named Vincent Gotto. Vincent is in the middle of burying a child's body in the woods. The cop stumbles upon this and stops him. The investigators find not only that the dead kid was Gotto's son, but next to the buried body was a 3-foot tall Pinocchio puppet.

Now it's present day and 2012 looks a lot like the early '90s. Jennifer is Gotto's public defender and has to prove that he didn't kill his kid, along with a bunch of other dead kids. Gotto says he did the crimes but Jennifer thinks he's protecting somebody. Since she's a lawyer and all that crap, she has to look at the evidence, which includes the puppet.

Jennifer has a daughter named Zoe, who is either 2-years-old or a 8-year-old with the annoying fucking voice of a 2-year-old. The scene with Zoe and her classmates is weird cause it plays out like a teen drama but it's, you know, little kids. There's even a cat fight, which is disturbing on so many levels that I won't spend any more time on it. Let's just say Zoe is a bit troubled.

It's also Zoe's birthday and the puppet finds its way in Jennifer's car and Jennifer's boyfriend Dave finds it, thinking it's a present for Zoe. Zoe ends up liking the puppet, even wanting to sleep with it. (There's a whole weird part where Zoe talks about sleeping with things with rather human names but again I don't wanna devote too much time to it.)

So what's bugging Zoe? Her dad left her. That's pretty much it. She isn't taking it too well and is seeing a doctor, who just talks to her about stuff. The beginning's a bit slow, I'll admit. But soon, Zoe starts talking to the puppet and one day when she takes Pinocchio to school, the bitchy girl she got into a fight with earlier takes him and throws him over a fence. And as a result of this, the bitchy girl is then hit by a bus. It was kind of a funny scene really.

During the entire movie, you don't see Pinocchio really doing anything but sitting there, so then you ask yourself "Is he really alive or is this in Zoe's head?" Things take a turn for the HOLY SHIT THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING CREEPY AS FUCK when we see Pinocchio TALK! It's just....ugh.

Pinocchio seems to think if Dave was "out of the way" Jennifer would spend more time with Zoe, but Zoe doesn't want to hurt Dave. Oh well, Pinocchio shoves Dave down the basement stairs.

Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a moment. This movie does have it's flaws. So Dave is babysitting Zoe and he watched her take Pinocchio to bed with her. About an hour later, after Zoe had the conversation with the puppet about killing Dave, she leaves the room to stop Pinocchio, who scampered off into the basement. Zoe tells Dave she's going after him, but Dave stops her saying he'll get him. Dude...you saw Zoe take the puppet into the bedroom, how about asking HOW he ended up in the basement?

Whatever, he gets pushed and ends up in the hospital.

Zoe takes Pinocchio with her to the therapist's office and when the therapist leaves the room for a moment, she has another conversation with Pinocchio. The therapist tapes all his sessions though and shows Jennifer the tape and we see Zoe talking only to herself. OOOH!!!

Anyway, this movie really shouldn't have been as good as it was. It's not GREAT by any stretch, but it wasn't what I was expecting. The acting was good, the writing was pretty solid, and fucking Pinocchio was creepy as fuck. So what happened? Is it all in Zoe's head?

We really don't get an answer. Jennifer gets fed up, takes Pinocchio and locks him in her trunk. But soon, the live-in maid ends up killed and Jennifer gets hit on the head. Then she sees Pinocchio running around, trying to kill her. When Jennifer tries to fight him off, we see it was really Zoe she was fighting off!

So now Zoe is in a mental hospital, Jennifer swears it was Pinocchio and the movie just ends. Uh, how about look in the "tunk"? If it's in there, it's Zoe. If not, it's alive! And before you ask, we don't get any indication that Pinocchio was possessed by Vincent or anything evil. There isn't much of an explanation besides "Maybe it was Zoe."

I say check it out. You probably think I'm crazy but as a guy who uses inanimate objects in my own videos and other people's videos I tend to get creeped out by shit like this. The main stuffed animal that I use, Cokie is...oh he's in Texas right now. OH SHIT NICK RUN!!!!

-Jason

Reader's Choice: Cool As Ice

"Cool As Ice" is one of those movies everyone thinks I've seen already because I tell them I like to watch bad movies. "Oh so you've seen 'Cool As Ice' then. God that's awful, isn't it?" And I had to tell them the truth. "Oh yeah, it's fucking terrible."

What? I can't lose my street cred.

Anyway, now I can finally speak the truth because I have indeed watched the Vanilla Ice movie "Cool As Ice". Boy, I'm so glad they stopped making movies based on pop singers who were hot at the time. If they kept making movies like this, that'd be really fucking annoying.

Yes, at one point in this country, Vanilla Ice was a household name. I'm not saying he's bad, it's just more of a sign of the times. He was a pretty good rapper. And tell me you don't know the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby". Go ahead and lie to me and tell me you don't. So naturally, someone said "Hey lets put him in a movie!"



And that movie starts off with, of course, Ice playing in a club while a bunch of hot chicks dance around. Ice performs a song about being "Cool As Ice" and there's Naomi Campbell in her pre-phone throwing days. Well, who knows, maybe she threw phones back then. She certainly didn't throw it when her agent called to be in this movie.

Anyway, Ice and his crew is leaving. They get on their hard core motorcycles and head to the next town, I guess. I'm assuming at this point Ice is playing himself and this is him on tour. But he travels without luggage or equipment so I have no idea how he's been getting by.

Eventually, he spots Kathy riding her horse off the side of the road. Ice thinks she's hot and the only way to express this is by doing a motorcycle stunt in front of her, spooking the horse, and throwing her off. Thankfully, she doesn't end up like Christopher Reeves. And this makes an horrible first impression.

We learn a bit about Kathy's home life. Her dad is Michael Gross and she's got a younger brother named Tommy. And then the most pointless news report on the face of the planet plays on TV. Some NATIONAL news program came to Kathy and did a story on her because she rides horses, gets good grades, and loves her parents!

HOLY FUCK STOP THE PRESSES! I'm serious, that was the whole point of the news report. That's like if they did a news report on your every day life.

"Hello, I'm Brian Williams. He likes to get up in the morning, take a shower, then leave for work. There, he earns money."
"That's right, I like money so I work here."
"Fascinating! More as it develops!"

During the report, a guy played by "HEY IT'S THAT GUY" Jack McGee (Seriously, read his IMDB page, he's been in EVERYTHING) is watching and he spots Michael Gross and is shocked that the dad from "Family Ties" has anything to do with this god damn movie.

During all this, one of Ice's friends bike breaks down and they end up in this neighborhood. There, they find this weird house that's decorated kinda...weird. There's spinning globes all over, there's giant books propped up, and actual written words are painted on the walls. It's kinda weird. Anyway, they meed Roscoe, who looked really familiar to me but I think it had something to do with him kinda acting bad and all bad actors tend to blend in. Anyway, Roscoe promises to fix the bike but hilarity ensues when they TOTALLY disassemble the bike! OH NO!!

Ice sees the report as well and this makes him fall even more in love or something. And he's so in love that when they meet again, he steals her organizer full of important papers! And of course Kathy has a boyfriend named Nick, who is a royal asshole. Honestly, you can write this entire movie in your head.

Turns out Michael Gross is in the witness protection program and he use to be a cop, who turned in some bad cops. So now those bad cops are after him. And all because some news station was bored and did a boring story on a girl who does regular stuff.

BREAKING NEWS! "This man also likes to eat food!"
"Yeah, when I get hungry, I like to eat."
"WOW!!! Back to you!"

Kathy goes to this lame club with Nick when Ice shows up, and does a song. Of course, everyone is into it...besides Nick. Nick shows how much of an ass he is by manhandling her. You know "The Godfather" has the famous catch phrase "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"? Well, "Cool As Ice" tries to one-up them with Ice's brilliant delivery of "Drop that zero and get with this hero!"

Beautiful. I dunno who won for Best Actor in 1992 but god damn, it should've been Vanilla Ice.

The next day, Ice is suddenly in Kathy's bedroom. Stalker, much? He wants to go on a date with her and she reluctantly accepts. And their date is the most random date ever. And it's told over the course of 4 montages. First they go to a construction site where some houses are being built and they run around that for five minutes. Then she tries to teach him how to ride a horse but fails. And then after I said "But he didn't teach her how to ride his bike", they have a scene of her learning how to ride his bike. Then they're in some field of wheat where I swear to god they fucked. They had to have fucked. And finally, they're in some desert, just laughing while he dances. This went on for like 10 minutes! It was insane!

Oh dammit, I forgot a couple of scenes. To sum up the scenes I forgot, after Kathy and Nick got into a fight, Ice took her home. When he went back to the club, he found Nick and Nick's friends destroying the bikes that belong to Ice's friends, so Ice beats up Nick, which sends him to the hospital. And there was this weird scene where the camera just zoomed around Kathy's family. It wasn't explained at all.

Alright, now we're caught up. Michael Gross thinks Ice is teamed up with the cops after him and doesn't want Kathy to hang around him. He tells her the truth about who he is and what he did and she agrees to give him the cold shoulder. But Tommy (the younger brother) wants Ice to give him a ride on his bike, so Ice does so. When Tommy returns home, the cops are waiting and they kidnap him.

Michael Gross still thinks Ice had something to do with all this, but Kathy says "NO!!!!!" and runs out the house. She tells Ice about the kidnapping and here Ice plays CSI as he listens to the ransom demand tape and hears construction noises in the background.

Ice, Kathy, and Ice's crew (with the bike now all fixed up, I wonder if Roscoe had to fix the other damaged bike?) show up at the site, drive their bikes through the cop's hideout, and save Tommy. It's only this action does Michael Gross know that Ice had nothing to do with the kidnapping and that he's ok enough to date Kathy.

After a long 5 minute scene of Ice performing a song at another club and dancing with Kathy, the movie finally comes to an end. I will say this movie is horrible but it's the fun kind of horrible, that you can watch with some during a bad movie night and just laugh at everything.

The clothing is fucking terrible. I have no idea if Ice dressed himself or someone thought this was how he dressed. Everything was just so bright. I was a teenager in the '90s but I never embraced this style. Thank god, cause I was picked on enough growing up.

Yo, let's get out of here. Word to ya mother!


-Jason

Reader's Choice: Rubber

Hamlet:
"O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"

Polonius:
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

An aquaintence of mine very recently told me a delightful story about his siblings visiting the city of El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula (which translates to "The Town of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels of the River Porciúncula) and how he just happened upon a delightful motion picture.

The sibling of my aquaintence said the motion picture, while not one to be found easily in the trade papers you or I often frequent, was one that many of us who is quite fond of such risque cinema should indeed see for yourself. That motion picture is titled: "Rubber".

"Rubber" (or "gaucho" or "goma" if you will) is a motion picture written and directed by Quentin Dupieux, a French gentleman who moonlights as a musician. The motion picture takes us on a daring ride of the macabre and has us, the audience, asking "when is enough?"

The start of the motion picture depicts a gentleman in a policeman's uniform arriving at the scene in the trunk of a car. This is a clear indication that this policeman does not follow the rules of the road and disagrees with the strict seatbelt laws this country has set upon us. "I shall overcome this by riding in the trunk" he surely thought to himself. "For it is there that no one will know that I am, in fact, NOT wearing a seatbelt."

Mr. Policeman as I will call him because his name just happens to escape me at the moment, explains the motion picture directly to us. This is a quaint device. I only wished more motion pictures used this device. Imagine if, say, Jason Voorhees would put down the machete, pick up a cup of Earl Gray tea, and tell us WHY he proceeds to brutally murder helpless teenagers.

Mr. Policeman explains that motion pictures don't make sense and cites many examples, including "E.T", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and a personal favorite of mine "Love Story". The film we will be seeing tonight is one such film that will be pointless and not make sense.

It is then revealed that there is a group of people, holding binoculars, about to watch said film with us. The group consists of the usual bi-standers who watch such films. You have the two bratty teenage girls, the two "movie geeks" if you will, and a mish-mash of other people.

Then our real story begins when we meet Robert, a lonely car tire. Obviously, the tire represents a human being. It is suddenly thrust into a world in which he does not understand. The first object he encounters is a water bottle. Water, being the source of all life, is important for all living things to continue living. But here, the water bottle is empty, much like Robert. He is only a tire, therefore is incapable of expressing emotions and thoughts.

Robert, however, isn't completely without talent. He does have the ability to make things explode by merely "looking" at it. He first discovers this talent with a beer bottle. The obvious message here is that all alcohol is evil and must be dispelled.

In between scenes of Robert discovering his new life and the "watchers" saying things you or I would say if we were to watch this movie together in my den one fine evening, we meet a beautiful young lady who is driving. Her name is unimportant, which clearly means that women, through the eyes of Mr. Dupieux are just people to him. How bold of him, I must say.

The woman, whom I'll name Maria, is driving through the desert when Robert spots her. It is clear Robert is in love with Maria, but alas! He has no penis in which to make love! How will he show his affection to Maria? I know, I shall follow her!

Maria and Robert end up in a hotel and we do get a very naughty scene in which Robert spies on Maria getting naked. We do see her tush but I had turned away. I must save such things for marriage, you know. The "watchers", however, keep on watching. It is clear the watchers represent Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and are not of the upmost stature like myself. They are the ones who see "Transformer" movies and "Alvin And The Chimpmunks".

It is then the motion picture takes an even more bizarre turn when we meet a skinny nerdy man, who plans on poisoning the "watchers". All the "watchers" take the poison but one man: an older gentleman in a wheelchair. This obviously represents how the filmmakers today just want to poison the minds of Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and they'll "eat up" anything Hollywood gives to them. The mere fact the poison is put in a turkey, representing them "gobbling" all this up, makes this clear.

But what of the old man? He doesn't look like a dandy chap. He's wearing a plaid shirt (PLAID!) and a baseball cap. Who does he represent? He is a mystery. We may never know the answer to this. Then the film does something most daring.

The actors IN SAID MOTION PICTURE just decide to stop being in the movie. This represents how tired they are of pretending to be something they are not and how much they hate Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher! But thanks to the older gentleman, they must continue! Even if there's only one person in the audience, the show must go on! Excelsior!

Now that the motion picture shall continue, Robert goes on the most brutal killing spree and it's up to our policemen and women to stop him! They try to fool the tire by having a manniquin stand at his front doorstep with a bomb, in hopes of tricking him to blow himself up. It's quite a complicated plan. And even our older "watcher" takes issue with this.

Wouldn't it be great to ask the movie characters why they do the things they do? OF COURSE! This represents the movie watcher NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! How could I be so blind? STUPID, STUPID! Before I go beat myself up for missing such an obvious metaphor, I shall finish this review.

Robert causes the manniquin to explode but he doesn't die. The policeman, tired of all this tire business, just simply walks into the residents and shoots Robert until he is flat and dead. But, alas, we have a twist ending. Robert...is now a tri-cycle! This obviously represents his "rebirth" by being born into a child's toy.

Robert the tri-cycle moves along his merry way, enjoying himself when suddenly he spots OTHER living tires! He is now no longer lonely and needs the companionship of Maria! Where does Robert and his friend go? To Hollywood. OBVIOUSLY this represents the film heading to Hollywood, the place motion pictures are made. And his friends all represent all the sequels that Hollywood will make from this movie.

And with that we come to a close. Oh this film is such a delight. I love all the double meanings, the metaphors, and symbolism. Of course there will be many detractors who will downplay this film and take it at a "horror" level. Those brutes do not know anything about the art of filmmaking. I applaud Mr. Dupieux for taking a brave step in making this motion picture. Bravo, dear sir, bravo!

It reminds me of something Berowne said in "Love's Labor's Lost" Act 1. scene 1, 72-79:

Berowne:
Why! all delights are vain, but that most vain
Which, with pain purchas'd, doth inherit pain:
As, painfully to pore upon a book
To seek the light of truth, while truth the while
Doth falsely blind the eyesight of his look.
Light, seeking light, doth light of light beguile;
So ere you find where light in darkness lies,
Your light grows dark by losing of your eyes.

Indeed, good fellows, indeed.



-Sir Bosco

Reader's Choice: Zombie Nation

I don't even know who to be mad at: myself for putting this selection in the poll or the four of you who voted for this. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I had NO IDEA just how fucking horrible this was going to be. If I known, I would've just left it off and replaced it with, I dunno, "A Serbian Film 2: MORE FUCKED UP THAT THE FIRST". But I digress.

"Zombie Nation" is written and directed by Ulli Lommel, who is the worst fucking director on the face of the planet. I rather watch a marathon of Michael Bay films, mixed in with Uwe Boll films than watch a Lommel film. He did "BTK Killer" which should've been some sign from above but did I listen? NOOOOOOO!

I don't plan on spending a lot of time with this. The movie focuses on Joe, an asshole cop who pulls over hot women, arrests them on false charges, and take them to his house. His house? A fucking warehouse. And I'm sure it's the same house/warehouse used in "BTK Killer" as well. Anyway, what makes this so special is he has a partner. And the partner just sits outside, waiting for him.

When Joe returns without the girl AND a heavy duffel bag that he's putting in the trunk, the partner doesn't think anything about it. Jesus Christ, man! Anyway, we find out Joe, obviously, has some mental issues. His mom was some doctor in an insane asylum who abused her patients and abused him. That's about all we get.

So we spend 45 minutes on this cop plot and I'm left wondering "when do the fucking zombies show up?" What is it with me and horrible zombie movies that don't feature zombies through the whole movie? I mean I had "Wiseguys vs Zombies", "Vampires vs Zombies", fucking "ZOMBIEZ" and now "Zombie Nation".

Well, we are getting to it, believe it or not. The partner finally realizes something is up (NO SHIT! REALLY?!) and reports this to the captain. OH! The police station? Another warehouse. Swear to fucking god. This whole movie is like someone put on a stage play. In fact, if it was a stage play put on by a 2nd grade class, it'd be 200 million times better. Fuck!

The captain, who is friends with Joe, just makes the partner do paper work and sends another guy to be Joe's partner. When this partner also reports something is fishy with Joe, then Internal Affairs gets involved, suspends Joe, and makes him get psychiatric counseling.

For the first hour of the film, we don't see Joe murder the women. But then he picked up a Romanian chick, who's the hottest girl in this movie so she must be a stripper or porn star in real life, who had a voodoo spell put on her. What do you need to tell your audience that voodoo is happening?

1. Black chicks in Jamaican clothing.
2. A pigs head
3. Candles
4. A spider
5. A snake
6. Blood
7. Crosses. Crosses fucking everywhere.

So they put a spell on her, Romanian chick leaves and is immediately arrested by Joe. Then we see how they murder her. I don't watch the show "Dexter" but I know enough about it to know that either this movie ripped them off, or somehow they ripped this movie off cause he's a cop, who kills people, by injecting them with something lethal. I'm sure the only difference is "Dexter" doesn't make you want to rip your brain out and set it on fire.

And another thing, what the fuck is stopping all these partners from just going into Joe's place with their POLICE ISSUED GUNS and stopping him if they KNOW HE'S MURDERING WOMEN INSIDE?! It's all fucking retarded.

Anyway, Joe murders the Romanian chick and she comes back to life...along with Joe's other victims. And here's a twist: they act like living human beings with one exception: they have black eye make-up all around their eyes. So they're part zombie, part raccoon.

And I guess Joe only murdered five people ever cause only five girls come back to life. One of them, who is more Aunt like than hot, wants to see her boyfriend but because when she looks in the mirror....she looks like a zombie....but when you look at her in person...she doesn't....I don't fucking know I didn't fucking understand it. ARRGH!!!

Alright so you know where this is all going. They look for Joe, find him, and eventually kill him. When they report back to the voodoo priestess chicks and tell them they ate him, they freak out. Why? "Cause when you bite a human being, they too become a zombie!"

Wait. I know I didn't mention it but when the girls first came to life, they met two different guys. They bit and killed both of them and really for no reason now that I think about it. So now you're saying Joe AND those two guys are zombies? Care to take care of that? No? Alrighty then.

So for some fucking dumbass reason, all the girls are now cops, but they wear those sexy stripper cop uniforms so maybe this REALLY wasn't a police station after all. I don't fucking know, I'm just glad it's over.

Think of the worst movie you ever seen, multiply it by 20 and you'll only have HALF the horribleness of this fucking movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! I BEG YOU!! DO NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE! IT'S NOT FUN! NO!!!! JUST...Fuck you Ulli Lommel! FUCK YOU! I hope you Google your name, find this review, and see that I said that. And you know what? Email me: invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com give me your address and we will fight! I WILL FIGHT YOU!!

ARRRRGH!!!


-Jason

Reader's Choice: Chillerama

Yet another horror anthology film, but this is is oh so different. And excuse me, I have to make a lame joke here. *ahem* Wouldn't be awesome if Wilmer Valderama was in "Chillerama"? There, done.

There's 3 (technically 4) stories, all of them short horror movies being played at a drive-in. The drive-in is closing down and this night is their last night, so the owner Cecil (Richard Riehle) is showing four obscure films as one last "fuck you" to the people that bought the drive-in and forced him to close it.

The first film is called "Wadzilla". Yes, you heard me correctly. It's gonna be THAT kind of movie. Anyway, "Wadzilla" is a play on old 1950's monster movies and it's pretty funny. Laura Palmer's father plays a doctor who gives Miles some medicine to boost his sperm. But the medicine causes his sperm to grow into size and eventually attack New York City.

The ending is really hilarious. I won't say too much but if you ever wanted to see The Statue of Liberty give a strip tease, this is the movie for you. What I loved about this movie is every other scene features all the characters smoking on screen. Of course, this is a light jab at the fact many movies today can't feature smoking and how everybody seemed to smoke in the '50s.

The stuff around the four films follow a group of movie nerd friends and them being in love with each other. Ryan is in love with the drive-in concession stand chick Desi, while Tobe and Mayna have feelings for each other.

The next movie is called "I Was A Teenage Were-Bear". And I'll be honest, this is the weaker of the three (maybe 4) stories. It really doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a beach blanket movie mixed in with a teenage monster movie. There's Ricky, the all-American high school kid who is dating Peggy Lou, but he may have a deep dark secret.

Ok, he's gay, alright? The entire movie is one big gay joke. And funny enough, it's a musical. I'll admit the songs are funny and catchy. Anyway, Ricky is bitten by Talon, the gay greaser guy and he turns into a "were-bear". Since I said this was one big gay joke, "bear" in this sense refers to the big hairy gay guys. There's not too much more I can say about this story.

Also happening around the 3 (4) features is this dude who I thought was Ray Liotta who dug up his dead wife and tried to fuck the corpse. But the dead wife came back to life, bit off his balls, and is slowly turning him into a zombie. To help heal his zombie wounds, Ray Liotta uses popcorn butter, which then gets used on the customer's popcorn.

The third story, easily the best fucking story in this movie, is "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein". So it's revealed that Anne Frank and her family are distant relatives of Dr. Frankenstein (makes sense if you think about it) and Anne finds the good doctor's medical journal.

Then Hitler shows up, kills The Franks, and steals it. I want to mention that Hitler is played by Joel David Moore. If you know who that is, that should give you some idea of how funny this whole bit is. What makes this even more funny is the fake German they speak. Instead of using actual German, they just say gibberish and mix in things like "Goldie Hawn" and "Vincent Van Gogh".

So Hitler uses Dr. Frankenstein's journal to create a Nazi monster. Who looks Jewish. And named Meshugannah. And I'm not even fucking kidding when I say Meshugannah is played by Kane Hodder. You have NO FUCKING IDEA how awesome that is. Anyway, things kinda go wrong and you need to see all the gags for yourself.

Everyone at the drive-in are slowly becoming zombies, but not just any kind of zombies: HORNY ZOMBIES! Fuck, didn't I deal with that yesterday? Anyway, everybody who was in love confess their love and suddenly it's revealed...THIS IS THE FOURTH FILM! OH SNAP!

What's great about this is since the movie features movie nerd characters, all the dialogue is nothing but movie quotes! I mean you got "GET TO THE CHOPPA" to "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND", it's so fucking awesome. I won't even spoil all this for you. Just go see it now. It is on Netflix Instant Watch.

And that's it. Thanks to the three of you who voted for this. I'm guessing this didn't get a lot of votes cause people didn't know just how fucking awesome this movie was. But seriously, I think I have a new favorite movie.


-Jason

PS: I SO wanted to give this five stars, but since "Were-Bear" was kinda weak, I had to deduct a star. Kinda sad, really.

Reader's Choice: Deadtime Stories Volumes 1 and 2

As you probably noticed on the cover, George A. Romero attached his name to this. Romero has an interesting career. He's made a slew of good films in his younger days, but the older he gets, the more shit-tastic his films become. Many people didn't like "Diary of the Dead", while I thought it was just alright. "Survival of the Dead" on the other hand, sucks balls so badly it hurts.

But here, Romero only produced the two movies I'll be covering today. And he plays the "host". The host bits are easily the most lame things about these films, and there's a lot here to fucking hate. And as you no doubt figured out, this is an anthology series, movies that tell multiple stories. Thankfully, both films tell three stories each so you're not stuck with this mess for too long. Unfortunately, there's two films of this shit. So let's get going.

The reason Romero's "host" bits are lame is because he makes these horrible puns and corny jokes that'll make The Cryptkeeper blush. And he sometimes speaks in rhyme, which makes the whole thing worse. And to top it off, he looks roughly 200 years old. The giant ass Kim Jong Il glasses don't help any either.

Our first story, called "The Valley Of Something Or Another" (fuck, this was 6 stories ago, you expect me to remember) we meet Angela as she's in an office of some rich asshole. The rich asshole wants to know why he should give her money to go looking for her dead husband. She says there's more money in it for him. And maybe a nice peek at her boobs. Well, she never says that but if someone needs convincing of something, and he's an asshole, it wouldn't hurt.

Despite lack of boob showing, the asshole agrees to give her the money to go look for the husband, but only if he comes along. Turns out the husband was part of some scientific crew sent to some jungle to find something and he never returned. Apparently the trees in this jungle grows something that looks like E.T's dick. And actually, you know the film "Cannibal Holocaust"? This is pretty much the exact same thing. Just no missing footage.

The only thing different is the final shot of Angela's head resting on a stake in the jungle and she's talking to the other heads, one of them belonging to her husband. So in away, she found him. The problem with this story was the set up took for-fucking-ever. But this set up was quicker compared to the next story.

The next story is called "Wet". We meet Jack, a down on his luck guy who lives alone in some crappy beach house. He digs for treasures in the sand and sells them for money, which then turns into booze. One day, he's looking around when he spots a box with a skeleton hand inside it. He throws the hand in a drawer and decides to sell the box to an antique's dealer named Swan.

Swan recognizes the box and tells Jack a story of how he killed a mermaid, cut her up into pieces, and put the pieces in the boxes. Yeah, you heard me. Apparently, mermaid's are evil crazy bitches and you have to kill them before they kill you and the only way they'll stay dead is if you put them in these boxes. Jack goes "...ok then" and goes home...to dig up more mermaid parts.

He simply throws the remains into a regular box, buries it, and cleans up the fancy boxes to sell so he can buy an entire liquor store when, say it with me, the mermaid comes to life. She proceeds to give him a blowjob, but the thing about mermaids (that I learned from this movie anyway) is while giving blowjobs, their faces turn into fishes and bite off penis'.

The next day, Swan goes to Jack's place to make sure he didn't do what he did and he finds Jack, minus any legs but has a mermaid fin. So he's a merman? Is that how that works? Anyway, Swan kills Jack and puts his pieces into the boxes when the mermaid, now with real legs, shows up and takes Swan away to Mermaid Island or something. Hm, maybe this is a live action version of "The Little Mermaid". Under The Sea, indeed.

This story took FOR FUCKING EVER, much like the last one. It was roughly 25 minutes long and the action part took up the last 2. It was so boring, I was playing Angry Birds on my tablet during most of it and was still able to recall what happened. Jesus, George. Speed things along, will ya?

The last story, "Housecall", was directed by Tom Savini. And this story is the most annoying of them all. I guess Savini wanted to make this story a throw back to old timey movies but holy fuck he didn't have to be annoying about it. Instead of using full screen, or wide screen, he had the entire movie play out in this small box in the center of the screen. It was like watching a movie through a View-Finder.

This story looked at how long the other stories took to set shit up and said "Bitch, please" and made it ALL SET UP! Oh my god, I could've fallen asleep during this story and still tell you what happened. Pretty much, some lady calls a doctor telling him her son Jimmy thinks he's a vampire.

The doctor shows up and listens to Mom tell all the stories Jimmy told her about sucking all the blood out of the neighbors. And each story is shown in some detail. Actually, we don't even know Jimmy is a vampire until the final 2 minutes. They talk all around it, making it seem like he's a werewolf at first, then maybe he's possessed by Satan, and finally maybe a serial killer. But nope, vampire. And there's a twist ending that I'm gonna tell you cause you probably don't care enough to see this movie.

The doctor is the head vampire. He meant to kill Jimmy but only turned him. But now the doctor kills Jimmy, then bites and kills the Mom. The end. Fuck you, Tom Savini.

And that's it for Volume 1. Three horrible boring corny stories. And you know what's terrible? There's still Volume 2...AND IT'S LONGER THAN VOLUME 1! FUCK!!

So we get George again saying the same shit he said in the first volume. Then he introduces the first story, called "The Gorge". You seen "The Descent"? How about "Alive"? This story is a combination of the two. But you know what's weird? This story...was somewhat interesting.

There's three friends, two guys and a girl. One guy and the girl are engaged to be married. The other guy is the smart ass tag-a-long friend who decides to take them cave exploring as a wedding gift or some shit. They start climbing through the caves when it sounds like a thunder storm is occuring but it's actually a cave in. So all three people are stuck in this cave with no way out. And the male fiancee broke his ankle, so isn't able to walk.

Two weeks later, they're eating bats, then rats, and finally around Day 29, the goofball friend suggests killing the male fiancee and eat him. The girl, desperate, agrees. It's only after they do this when they're rescued. So now the girl and the friend are in a hospital, and they don't wanna tell anyone they ate the guy so they said he died in the cave in or something. Then the girl gets a guilty conscience and suddenly has a taste for flesh.

She kills, then eats the friend, only leaving behind his skeleton and she runs off into the woods, going back to the cave they were at. As much as I was liking this story, they ruined it by the end. For no reason that they explained, they had her turn into a witch. Seriously, a witch. She had an ugly face, a wart on her nose, and was just laughing evilly. I guess turning into a cannibal turns you into a witch.

The second story "On Sabbath Hill" was actually kinda good. Meaning, compared to the other films that is. It's like getting beat up by the same bully 5 days in a row, then on the sixth day he just fucks your Mom. Yeah, kinda like that. The entire story plays out like a rejected Lifetime movie they show on Halloween. There's a professor dude who's married with two kids. He's an hard-ass professor, making sure the students are always in his class and on time. If anyone misses just one class, he kicks them out and fails them. And he's having an affair with the hottest girl in the class named Jennifer.

That night, after he and Jennifer got it on, she tells him she's pregnant with his kid. Of course he wants to have an abortion but she won't. Then she leaves. The next day, Jennifer take a gun from her roommate's nightstand, goes to his class, and shoots herself in the head.

The professor tells the students class will go on as planned and talks about World War II while her dead body rots away there. Ok, not really. But he says there's still class the next day. But all throughout the night, he keeps hearing her voice and even sees her shadow.

Yeah, we all know where this is going.

I really don't know if this story is as good as I think it is or if my mind just gave up at this point and decided to give in to the awfulness. You'd think after all the shit I've seen, I would be use to it.

Anyway, it's not too long when he starts seeing her show up in class and soon starts haunting him. The roommate tells the professor she found Jennifer's diary, which reveals the entire affair, including the baby. And confesses it was her gun, which she stole back during the chaos after Jennifer died. And for whatever reason, the roommate gives the professor the gun. Ok.

So the next day, during class, the professor has a big giant mental freak out when Dead Jennifer starts giving birth to a undead baby. This freaks him out so much that he takes the gun and shoots himself. OOH! You know if this was Harry Potter, he'd just continue teaching that class.

Alright. One more story. And boy, it's a fucking doozy. It's called "Dust". And I'm just gonna jump over the boring shit and tell you Mars dust cures cancer and turns you into a nymphomaniac.

Hm. Ok, I guess some backstory would help. We meet George, a security guard at some scientific research place. His wife is dying of cancer and is gonna die any minute now. One night, George meets Alex, a scientist. Alex tells George that NASA sent them this dust from Mars and needs to test it for stuff. Alex is close to figuring out that it might be able to cure diseases. George thinks it could cure his wife's cancer, so he steals a small vile of the stuff and takes it home.

He mixes it with water and puts it in her IV tube and two hours later, she's healthy. And naked. And wants to fuck. All the time. That's all she wants to do is fuck. It got so bad I thought it was gonna turn into a porn film any minute. Then I wondered what the ending was gonna be like.

Here's what I came up with before I saw the ending:
1. She's gonna be so horny that she fucks herself to death, riding a sharp steel spike of some kind.
2. She was gonna start fucking dead bodies, because for some reason they live in a cemetary.
3. She's gonna fuck George to death.

So it turns out the dust wears off and the wife gets sick again. George promises to get more dust, so he takes a giant thermos to work and fills it up with Mars dust. Alex catches him and tells him he can't cause it's risky. George simply bops him on the head with a walkie-talkie and this not only kills Alex but causes his fucking eyeball to pop out of his head. The fuck? Was his eyes held in by cheap super glue?

Anyway, George manages to take Alex's body and puts it in his trunk and he drives home. He puts Alex's body in a freezer and gives the wife some dust. Then they fuck some more. George is getting tired and is about to go to work when I was kinda sorta right about one of my theories:

She fucks Alex. But turns out Alex is now a zombie. I guess if you're George Romero and you make an anthology movie, you gotta have zombies in it somewhere. Anyway, the wife is into this and wants George to join in on the weird necrophilia three-some here. George shoots Alex, and accidently shoots the wife, but they keep on coming towards him.

George runs out and soon, all the people in the graves start rising up. And then...that's it. So...did they all fuck George to death? Let's say yes and wrap this up.

Volume 2 is way better, but not by much. It's probably more interesting and SLIGHTLY better acted. I only loved the crazy ass third story in Vol. 2, but it was too little too late. Just skip Volume 1 and put on Volume 2 for only the third story. Maybe the second one if you have a lady hanging around.

And George Romero, just give it up, huh? Don't fuck up your legacy by putting out constant crap year and year. Ok? Thanks!

Volume 1:


Volume 2:


-Jason

Reader Choice Results

So after much begging and plugging, I finally got enough votes to tally up all the movies I'll be watching in January. And I know certain people were wondering if certain movies will win or not. So let's not delay this any further. Going from the least amount of votes to most votes, I will be reviewing:

Deadtime Stores Part 1 and 2
Chillerama
Zombie Nation
Pinocchio's Revenge
Rubber
Cool As Ice
Birdemic
Die-ner (Get It?)
Starship Troopers
Long Kiss Goodnight

This is going to be the most interesting month ever. Thanks to all who voted!
-Jason

Reader's Choice Poll #5: December 31st Review

Man, I can't believe NO ONE picked "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2". Do you NOT know how awesome that movie is?? HUH??? Oh well. "Christmas Evil" it is.

This is the last one, folks, so make it a good (or bad...whatever) one.

1. The Creeping Terror-
IMDB Says: "A creature that looks like a cross between a Chinese dragon puppet and the Pope sucks up people into its maw. A sheriff, his wife, and a "handsome" scientist battle it to the end, with a sub plot about the evils of bachelorhood."

2. Plan 9 From Outer Space-A classic b-movie. Do you think I should get it over with already?
IMDB Says: "Evil aliens attack Earth and set their terrible "Plan 9" in action. As the aliens resurrect the dead of the Earth to destroy the living, our stupid minds are in danger."

3. Robot Monster-
IMDB Says: "The Robot Monster has been sent to Earth as the advance party of an impending invasion. Ordered by The Great One to capture several humans, the Robot Monster becomes confused once it learns more about humans."

4. Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator-I know, this one came out of nowhere. I saw it on Netflix and it sounds like my cup of tea.
IMDB Says: Nothing. There's no plot description. Uh-oh.

So there you have it. And to think, when this poll ends, the first Reader's Choice review will be up. I guess it's true when they say it always comes in the end...wait.
-Jason

Reader's Choice Poll #4: December 24th Review

This winner surprise me, really. It was a dead heat for most of the week but at the last second someone voted for "Drive-In Massacre", making it this week's winner. I'm kinda glad, honestly. That should balance out the weirdness of the first two weeks.

Onto the next week, as you see by the date, it'll be Christmas Eve when this review goes up, so naturally a Christmas movie is in order. But which one? Here are your choices:

1. Christmas Evil (AKA You Better Watch Out)-
IMDB Says: "Widely recognized as the best of the Christmas horror efforts, Christmas Evil is the story of a boy who loves Christmas. He is scarred as a boy when he learns that Santa is not real. Throughout the rest of his life, the toy-maker tries to make the Christmas spirit a reality. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. When he is met with hypocrisy and cynicism, the resulting snap causes him to go on a yuletide killing spree to complete this dark comedic horror."

2. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians-A MST3K classic!
IMDB Says: "Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extoll the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars."

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2-Oh FUCK YEAH!
IMDB Says: "The door of the mental hospital opens, releasing Ricky from its confines. He takes with him the terrifying memory of his brother Billy's death and the burning image of Mother Superior-the powerful figure that brought about his brother's violent demise. For Ricky, starting a new life means avenging his brother's death. By whatever means necessary, whether it be the cutting edge of a shiny steel knife blade, or the electrifying charge of a set of battery cables, Ricky is set in this blind journey of revenge leading ultimately to Mother Superior. As Mother Superior prays in the dark, we suggest she say an extra prayer for herself, because not even her faith will be enough to stop Ricky. But prayers will do little for in the silent part of this night!"

4. Don't Open Till Christmas-
IMDB Says: "A murderer is running loose through the streets of London, hunting down men dressed as Santa and killing them all in different, and extremely violent, fashions. Inspector Harris has decided to take on the unenviable task of tracking down the psychopath, but he's going to have his work cut out for him. Only the suspicious reporter, Giles, seems to offer the Inspector any promising leads."

5. Santa Claws-On the latest episode of "The Lair" I said the fifth title was Silent Night, Bloody Night. But as I was getting the description I found it doesn't really have anything to do with Christmas. So I took it off and replaced it with this one.
IMDB Says: "Raven Quinn is a scream queen with a couple of problems... her marriage is falling apart and her next door neighbor is not the nice guy he seems to be. You see, he is obsessed with Raven and wants to do anything to make her happy. This includes anyone he feels is exploiting her in even the slightest way. He gets nuttier and nuttier and eventually begins dressing up like Santa Claus and killing people with a claw."

There ya go! Five Christmas "classics"! Pick wisely! Lump of coal! Usual Christmas jokes here!
-Jason

Reader's Choice Poll #3: December 17th Review

Man, December is going to be a weird month for me. First "Dumpster Baby", now "Forbidden Zone". Not that I'm complaining, I think these choices are awesome. So let's do the third one, shall we?

1. Fear No Evil-
IMDB Says: "High school student turns out to be personification of Lucifer. Two arch angels in human form (as women) take him on."

2. Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla-Possibly my favorite Godzilla film!
IMDB Says: "Aliens intend to take over the planet and, just in case Godzilla tries to interfere, have built a mechanical version of him to put an end to his interference. The Earth humans summon the legendary King Seesar to assist Godzilla in the battle."

3. TerrorVision-
IMDB Says: "A civilization on a distant planet has found a way to solve its garbage problem: turning it into energy and beaming it into outer space. A flaw in this system is found when the signal is accidentally picked up on Earth by the Putterman Family's home satellite dish. While this would ordinarily be just another mess, this particular transmission contains a hungry trash monster who quickly begins snacking on various Puttermans. Only young Sherman Putterman has any clue what is going on, but nobody will believe him. Is there any hope for the Earth?"

4. Wasp Woman-
IMDB Says: "The founder and owner of a cosmetic factory, Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot), is concerned with the dropping sale results of her company. The scientist Eric Zinthrop (Michael Mark) offers to her his research with wasp enzymes that makes animals younger, and she immediately accepts to hire him, provided she becomes his human subject. She decides by her own to accelerate the treatment injecting additional serum trying to see earlier results, becoming the lethal "Wasp Woman"."

5. Drive-In Massacre-
IMDB Says: "Two police detectives try to catch a serial killer who is stalking a rural California drive-in theater, randomly killing people with a sword."

Ok, those are the next five! The poll will be up until Friday so don't delay!
-Jason

Reader's Choice Poll #2: December 10th Review

Man, you people REALLY want me to review "Dumpster Baby". So be it! The December 3rd review shall be "Dumpster Baby"! With that said, let's get into the next week review! Which of these five shall I review?

1. The Evolved-I bought this on a whim a few years ago but I never got around to it. Just a heads up, it's produced THROUGH Troma. I haven't had too much luck with those.
IMDB says: "Dead dogs, foetus burgers and Nazi clown-chefs; something smells fishy in London; and for once it's not Glover's pants. Detective Danny Glover, Scarborough Police's premier dog-napping-ring buster and general fat bastard, arrives in London to help the clinically psychotic Detective Sonny Boy with a little problem: Who is butchering London's dogs? The answer seems obvious at first, it must be Burger Priest; the Pope's Neo-Nazi clown-chef empire: home of the 'Amen with Cheese', a rancid burger made of fingernails, turds and aborted foetii; just don't ask what goes into their 'Nunion Rings'! Detectives Glover and Sonny Boy engage on a covert mission to uncover Burger Priest's dark secret; but even they are unprepared for the true horror and depth of the fast food franchise's depravity. Assisted by Feety, a heroin-addicted foetus, and Ellen Mellon, a New York reporter who also happens to be an animated ventriloquist's doll, they must reveal the Pope's evil plan and shut down Burger Priest for good. Along the way they learn the truth behind London's drug-addled pregnant teenagers and come face to face with the reality of their own sordid addictions. If this isn't enough, there's a third force at work. Something is stalking and killing Burger Priest's Nazi clown-chef army. Something that crawled out of the ocean, hell bent on revenge. A creature so terrifying men dare not speak its name; the semi-evolved shark terror known only as: THE EVOLVED. If only God existed, maybe he could help you."
That was long. (That's what...oh you know.)

2. Forbidden Zone-I've heard a lot about this movie and I think I had it on another poll before.
IMDB says: "A mysterious door in the basement of the Hercules house leads to the Sixth Dimension by way of a gigantic set of intestine. When Frenchy slips through the door, King Fausto falls in love with her. The jealous Queen Doris takes Frenchy prisoner, and it is up to the Hercules family and friend Squeezit Henderson to rescue her."

3. Meet The Feebles-
IMDB says: Heidi, the star of the "Meet The Feebles Variety Hour" discovers her lover Bletch, The Walrus, is cheating on her, and with all the world waiting for the show the assorted co-stars must contend with their own problems. These include drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, Drug dealing, and even murder. While this is happening the love between two of the stars is threatened by the devious Trevor the Rat, who wishes to exploit the young starlet for use in his porno movie business."

4. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon-I've raved about this movie in one of my videos. It'd be worth the review, trust me.
IMDB says: "Twenty-four million years ago, Megalodon was a 20 tonne killing machine with a 10 foot gaping bite. When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path. Now they must hunt the fierce killer and destroy it... before there is no one left to stop its reign of terror!"

5. Suicide Girls Must Die!-I just bought this from Best Buy and it seems interesting.
IMDB says: "When twelve nude models for the infamous SuicideGirls.com begin disappearing from a remote cabin, the calendar video they are shooting becomes the first reality horror movie."

Ok, there ya go! It's up to you, New York readers! Let me know what you want to see reviewed on December 10th. Poll ends on Friday, so vote NOW NOW NOW!
-Jason