Sunday, April 29, 2012
Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Night
So I'm gonna declare right now that this is going to be the last of the shark movies for awhile. I'm getting kinda tired of them and I think I need to review other things. I'll probably come back to them at the end of summer (we'll see) so to close us out for Spring, let's take a look at last summer's "blockbuster" "Shark Night", which was in 3-D.
This movie not only stars Joel David Moore, an actor who needs to fire his agent STAT!, but also singing sensation Katherine McPhee! Yeah, I'm not even kidding about that. I have no idea why she's in this movie honestly. Her character didn't sing. She was pretty much a giant slut though. So maybe that had something to do with it.
Well, the movie starts off like a slasher movie. A douchey couple is alone in the water at some lake when we get a "homage" to "Jaws" when the girl is violently shaken (or is it shook?) then eventually dies. No word on what happened to the guy but who cares! It's time to meet our cast!
There's the black guy who's name was stereotypical black guy name like Jamal or something. There's Sarah, the ever delicate girl who hasn't been with a guy yet, Jamal's girlfriend who is in two scenes, the hunky nerd, and the hunky nerd's friend played by Joel David Moore. The hunky nerd is Mark or Nick or something bland and white like that and honestly, no nerd ever looks like this. It's like casting Ryan Gosling as a nerd.
Anyway, Nerdy Mark helped Jamal pass a test so they're gonna celebrate by going to Sarah's beach house. Where's this beach house? SO FUCKING FAR AWAY IT TAKES THEM 15 MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME TO GET THERE! We get a shot of the truck driving down the highway, then it stops at a gas station where we meet Tucker and Dale.
No wait, sorry. We meet Red and Dennis, two locals who decide to pick on Jamal for the obvious reasons. But apparently Sarah and Dennis has a history and they leave without lynching anybody. Then they get to a pier where they're greeted by Sheriff Donal Logue. I guess he's friends with Sarah too and thinks her drinking while driving a boat is hilarious.
Then we get the late '80s/early '90s montage of the gang having fun at the beach house, on this lake, that you can only get back and forth from on a boat, oh and for good measure cell phones don't work out here and they never thought about putting a land line or maybe a FUCKING CB RADIO IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!
Jamal decides to go water skiing when a shark decides to show up and chomp on him. Everyone thinks Nerdy Mark ran him over, which I can see cause when you're on a lake you don't expect sharks, I suppose. And for whatever reason, the shark only bites off his arm and swims away. And it doesn't even eat the arm! Mark finds it later so what the fuck was the point of that?
Thank god Mark is a med student because otherwise Jamal would die. Actually, what would've happened if Mark wasn't there? Would Joel David Moore just try to tape it back on his body with duct tape and continue playing beer pong with Katherine McPhee? Would Jamal's girlfriend who is so unimportant that when she died everyone just kinda shrugged their shoulders actually be important to the story? Maybe SHE was a med student who dropped out and would remember something. OH! Or she watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy" while masturbating to McDreamy or whatever and picked up something in between orgasms?
Sorry, I'm just writing a better movie in my head. Back to this shitfest.
They all get on the boat to get help but the shark starts chasing them and soon knocks out the motor, which causes the boat to lose control. Mark, Sarah, and Jamal all jump out of the boat just in time to watch it explode before it actually touched anything. So that took care of that. What's left?
Well, a boat just happens to come along later in the night (the SHARK NIGHT if you will) and hey look, it's the two rednecks from earlier, Red and Dennis. They seem suddenly sympathetic to Jamal's problem and offer to take Katherine McPhee and Joel David Moore to the sheriff for help. But then A TWIST!! In the middle of the lake, the rednecks turn the boat off and reveal THEY raised the sharks themselves! A-WHA?!?!?!
Now why would they do that? It's explained later and when I tell you, you're gonna want to stab your computer screens. Blind people, if you have someone reading my reviews to you, please don't take it out on them. And I'm sorry, person reading things to the blind person, for all the horrible things you had to say in the past.
So Dennis shoots Joel David Moore and he's able to swim to safety for a moment until a shark JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER to eat him. Yeah... Next, Red and Dennis make Katherine McPhee get naked. Oh fuck me, this is rated PG-13 so we only see her in her underwear. Ugh. Well, it was still nice to look at. OH! And Katherine McPhee managed to hide a knife earlier and manages to stab Red but he totally plays off being stabbed like "PFFT! I can't be stabbed, American Idol bitch!" and throws her in the shark infested waters.
Jamal finds out about the death of his unimportant girlfriend and in a scene that made me call my black girlfriend into the room, had Jamal standing on the shore HOLDING A SPEAR! Yeah, neither one of us knew what to say about that. But she pointed out to me that Jamal was just hiding his bitten arm under his shirt and it was CLEARLY OBVIOUS so that was also good for a laugh.
When Jamal passes out, one of Sarah's friends comes up with the bright idea to strap him to a water ski and go get help. Mid-way through, Jamal looks behind him and finds sharks following them. Realizing life kinda sucks now, he unstraps himself and gets eaten by the sharks. And then one of the sharks just randomly jumps out of the water and eats the guy. I really don't think sharks jump out and eat people on jet skis but whatever.
Ok so Sheriff Donal Logue shows up and instantly I said "He's in on the shark thing, he's on the shark thing, he's in on the shark thing" and wouldn't ya know it, he's in on the shark thing! He knocks Sarah, Nerdy Mark, and Sarah's dog and takes them to the boat. OH! And it's revealed that Sarah use to go out with Dennis before leaving for college and on the day before she left, she almost drowned and as a result a propeller landed in Dennis' face, scaring him forever or some shit like that.
So naturally, Dennis wants to kill Sarah while Sheriff Donal Logue gets to kill Mark. But not before he tells him why they bought sharks to this lake. Person reading my reviews to the blind, get ready to defend yourself. There are cameras strapped to the sharks, yes all of them, and these three geniuses decide to take the footage of sharks eating people and sell them to the Discovery Channel for Shark Week.
That's it. That's what's going on here. That's the WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS MOVIE is happening to begin with: so these three assholes can be on Shark Week!! FUCK IT blind people, start beating your readers. Sorry, readers.
First off, I doubt the Discovery Channel is going to air people's murders. I know they show people ALMOST dying a lot, especially during shark week, but actual people getting eaten? And then it's not that easy to get on Shark Week. Most of the people on Shark Week are shark experts OR shark victims OR sometimes both! So what the fuck?
Well, Mark manages to escape from Sheriff Donal Logue by setting him on fire then feeding him to the sharks, Dennis covers Sarah in chum and puts her in the water, and when Mark shows up to save Sarah, Dennis accidentally stabs Red. OH NOW knives effect him. Jesus. The ending's just whatever, you know Mark saves Sarah and the shark eats Dennis in an ironic twist and to further showcase how fucking retarded this movie is, the shark jumps out of the water one last time.
And that's "Shark Night". It's laughable at times but not enough to make it worth watching. It's just stupid, annoying, and a giant waste of time. I feel sorry for people who paid to see this in 3-D cause it was just a waste of money. Even the stuff that's worth seeing in 3-D couldn't save this movie. Just dumb and avoid at all costs.
(PS: My apologizes if the guy's name wasn't Jamal. I honestly couldn't remember and it was more offensively stereotypical than that.)