Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Sharktopus

Oh...Roger Corman. How I love thee. You been making movies since the 1950's and you don't show any signs of slowing down. And I love how that name is so popular that I shouldn't have to explain who the man is. He's so famous that regular smucks who want to make, say, a giant shark/octopus movie go to him for tips on how to make it under budget. Cause really, who's gonna give a movie about a hybrid shark/octopus ANY money? Syfy? PFFT!!

Anyway. "Sharktopus".

Film starts in L.A as a bunch of hot people run around a beach. Two girls are arguing over texting while on the beach. One girl gives up and goes into the water. Many gratuitous shots of girl getting wet when we see....a regular shark. Oh. Maybe it's gonna fuck an octopus and-

Oh no. The sharktopus, or S-11 as it's called in the movie, appears, kills the shark, giving the hot girl enough time to get back to land. We find out S-11 was created by Eric Roberts and his hot daughter Nicole. They created it for the Navy as a way to chase bad guys in International waters. But it's not suppose to kill anyone just hunt them and scare them a bit.

But Eric Roberts said "fuck that shit! I'm Eric Roberts!" and redesigned the sharktopus to KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!! So needless to say, it breaks loose. Eric Roberts wants the creature back and will do ANYTHING to get it back ALIVE! So he hires this guy named Andy who use to work for him back in the day. But Andy demanded he actually gets paid to work so Eric Roberts fired him. Blah! Eric Roberts only hires slaves! Don't you know anything?

(God if anyone ever Googles "Eric Roberts slave" I'm gonna be a hit!)

Anyway, they send for Andy, who's partying it up in a pool with some babes. They tell him S-11 is out and Andy is like "give me half a million dollars and I'm in!" Meanwhile, the Navy wants Eric Roberts to hurry the hell up and capture the thing before it kills too many people and word gets around that the Navy let a creature loose.

We then meet Stacy, a hot reporter chick and her camera guy Bones. Stacy is looking for this guy named, I dunno, Drunky, who reported the sharktopus to her and now she's here to get her story. Drunky tells her everything she wants to know after Stacy made it rain. I'm not even kidding, she did a total "dude in a strip club" move when she was giving Drunky money.

In between these scenes, we get shots of the sharktopus killing random people, mainly on beaches and mainly while dangling from somewhere like a bungee cord and a zip line. And for whatever reason, Eric Roberts said "fuck this" and spends the rest of the movie on a yacht, just talking to Nicole on the phone while the movie turns into "24".

The following takes places between "chomp" and "gulp".

Nicole uses her laptop to track the S-11 and it doesn't do any fucking good cause she's always like "I lost the signal!" then it pops up behind them. One of Andy's friends gets killed by the sharktopus and he loses his mind and decides it's time to kill the fucker.

While Drunky takes Stacy to where he found the sharktopus, Stacy decides all of a sudden she doesn't believe in sharktopus'. WAIT! Then why the fuck are you there?!? Well, she believes again when it pops up, attacks some people on a beach, and then later eats Drunky.

We also meet Captain Jack, a DJ who opened his own radio station on his boat. He's played by Ralph Garman, if you know who that is. I guess it's super easy to start your own radio station. And he's got a hot producer chick who wears a bikini. She tells Jack about the sharktopus but he doesn't believe her until he gets eaten by it. NO! Who's Kevin Smith gonna tour with now?!

Eric Roberts just keeps getting drunk on his yacht, which I'm sure wasn't originally in the movie but y'know it's Eric Roberts, what the fuck you gonna do? When he finds out Andy is gonna kill the S-11, he goes to find Andy to stop him. But sadly, the sharktopus kills him. Before he dies, he tells Nicole how to kill the sharktopus, which involves some weird techy thing inside it's brain.

So all our "main" characters meet up finally and they team up to stop the sharktopus. But then the movie did something I wasn't expecting. It kills Bones and then Stacy! I was like "WOW!" we spent a lot of time with these people and they just die right here at the end?? AMAZING!

Andy manages to shoot the sharktopus and distract it while Nicole figures out Eric Robert's password. Try "booze"! That's probably it!! It's not, but you know what it is cause it's what he's been calling Nicole the entire movie: pumpkin. Yeah, he's one of THOSE fathers!

Anyway, the sharktopus explodes and that's it. Oh, there are two meta moments in the movie, one involving Jack and one at the end here. The one with Jack has him telling his hot producer chick that the whole "sharktopus" would make a great movie and it should be about a former researcher/Navy SEAL hired to track it down. And the one at the end is about the ending of the movie. It's kinda weird but awesome.

So this movie isn't anything special but holy fuck is it a lot of fun! It's really bad. I mean REALLY bad. It's full of corny lines, and Andy has a lot of scenes where he goes "DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!!" and everything. It's funny. I only wish this wasn't made for TV cause it could've used some nudity and some "fucks" or "motherfuckers" in there. But other than that, I say check this out sometime! It's fun!



And Nolahn of the Bargain Bin Review was nice enough to do a review of "Deep Blue Sea" for his site. I waited too long to post it and I apologize to him but now here it is in it's full glory!
-Jason