Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why Michael Bay Is The Anti-Christ

If there's ever one question I get asked all time, it's "Why don't you like Michael Bay and/or his movies?" Frankly, I figured his movies speak for themselves but I guess there are actual fans of his movies (which is cool if you are) and they want an actual answer.

So I'll attempt to give you some answers.

First, his directing skills is kinda lacking. 90% of scenes in his movie involves a camera jiggling around so damn fast it looks like he hired a monkey high on cocaine and pixie sticks to film these scenes. Honestly, it gives me a headache.

Then there's the fact that, according to Bay, EVERYTHING explodes. No matter what it is, it will erupt in a big fiery flame that can be seen in space. You could stub your toe and suddenly your house will explode, along with your car, block, and even city. I get that he makes "action" films and there's suppose to be explosions, but other action films can make it look not so silly. Like in "Die Hard" Bruce Willis throws a bunch of C-4 and a computer down an elevator shaft and it explodes. If Michael Bay directed Die Hard, all of L.A would've blown up after that scene.

And when there aren't scenes of blowing shit up, there are the parts where people talk and interact with each other. I suspect Michael hates these kinds of scenes, which is why they always suck. He just wanna get to the 'splosions. As a result, we get weird dialouge and exchanges. But then again, he doesn't write the movies, just films the stuff, so I can't put the blame on him for this. The best example I can think of is the stupid awful scene in Armageddon (or as we say "which one? HA!") where Ben Affleck has some animal crackers on Liv Tyler's tummy. Haven't seen it? Well aren't you in luck?

I probably could just stop there, but that'd be too easy.

Another strike against Bay is he for some strange reason, despite being an "action" director, he's AGAINST VIOLENCE in movies. You're probably thinking "Wait, people died in a bunch of his movies" and you're right. But did you SEE them die (we're not including the fireball scenes cause it's only common sense)? What I'm talking about is showing a guy get stabbed or shot or just crushed to death. A good example here is the stupid pointless remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Granted, the original didn't show anyone getting chopped into bits with a chainsaw, but we did see a lot of other violent stuff. In the remake? Nothing. Happens off-camera or it's too damn dark to see anything. Plus the majority of the scenes were just Jessica Biel running around hiding from Leatherface. I would provide an example but the only videos on Youtube are "fan made" videos with annoying music played over them. Just take my word for it.

And then there's his "sense of humor". I'm gonna go more into detail about this in my "Transformers" Probe, but I swear to God he had the Transformers doing some sort of slapstick in a long drawn out scene. I'm not a Transformers fan as I mentioned before, but if I was and I saw Optimus Prime act like Moe from "The Three Stooges", I would probably kill myself. (NOTE TO TRANSFORMERS FANS READING THIS: Don't kill yourself.) Another example is the scene in Armageddon where Bruce Willis is chasing Ben Affleck all over a ship cause Ben was sleeping with Liv Tyler. Hi-larious.

And I saved this for last cause I don't want feminist start sending hate mail about how this is my MAIN reason for not liking Bay. No, this is just one of the many reasons. But it is a big chunk of my reasons, so here we go.

You may remember a movie called "The Island", which is another story unto itself. Short version: the writers ripped it off from a 1970's movie called Parts: The Clonus Horror which is about a clone finding out he's a clone and there's a non-clone version of himself out there. This isn't a remake or a retelling cause no-one involved in "The Island" contacted the people from "Parts" and told them/got permission/bought rights, etc. The "Parts" people sued and the whole issue was resolved out of court. I didn't wanna come out and say Bay's a thief cause I'm sure that really isn't the case. But trying to rip people off is pretty horrible.

Anyway, you know that Scarlett Johannson co-starred in "The Island" with Ewan MacGregor. There's a scene in the movie where Scarlett's character and Ewan's character have sex, which was filmed so artsy, with the camera passing by weird crystal things and whatnot, I thought I accidently put in a David Lynch movie. Except Lynch shows sex and nudity. Bay?

Well, during the scene Scarlet totally AGREED to be 100% topless during the scene, meaning we'd get to see some boobies in an otherwise mediocre movie. Michael Bay said no.

Again. THIS GUY:


She CANNOT get topless. And as a result, THIS was the big "sex scene" with Scarlett Johansson:

As you can see, she's wearing a bra the entire time. So what the fuck is Bay's problem? Not only is he against violence, he's against nudity. But this is because he wanted his movie to be rated PG-13 so teenagers will come to see his movies. Cause you know, teenagers are totally into movies about cloning and the moral dilemmas it raises. That's all they talk about. Personally, I find it insulting that Bay is pandering to people. I believe if you're a film maker, you should be able to make whatever you want and stick by it. Maybe Bay, at first, told Scarlett "FUCK YEAH! Take that top off!" but then someone reminded him that PG-13=$$$ and he said "maybe later in my trailer", in which case I hope Scarlett stomped on his nads.

So that about sums it up for me. Pretty much his movies are medicore "action" films where potato chip bags explode for no reason, with no violence that don't involve explosions, have crappy humor, and don't feature nudity, at least female nudity.

Even his movie titles explode for no reason.

Finally, I did wanna mention something shocking that I found out. Not only did he prior to making movies he directed some very well known music videos, including "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. How ironic, you say? Well, your Irony-meter is gonna explode in a minute.

Among his credits is a little something called "Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall". So he directed porn. Ok, ok. I guess a Playboy video isn't really porn. But still pretty shocking none-the-less. Although, I have to wonder if maybe this isn't a joke of some kind. The only place I see his name listed as a director to this is on IMDB and they're not always right when it comes to information. Pretty helpful, but not always right. So come to your own conclusions about that.

That's it, those are my reasons for not liking any of his movies. If you just happen to like Bay and his movies, please don't be offended or think I was slamming you in anyway. I'm merely just stating my opinion, which I am not alone on. In any event, thanks for reading and-OW! I hit my hand on my keyboar-



Anna said...

LOL! I'm one of those people who likes Bay movies, but you are absolutely right. The guy is in love with explosions!

Fletch said...

He and Brett Ratner should fight in a cage match to the death. With random explosions. I'd watch.

I hate the guy, but I see why people like him. (Mostly that they're dumb - hehe.) Some people just enjoy anti-brain candy. I'm not usually one, but I'm in the mood for something retarded every now and then.

Working for Disney is not helping in the nudity department, though...tsk tsk for that Johannson business. Should be tarred and feathered for that alone.