It's awesome being a guy who loves good movies and bad movies. I guess that makes me bi-movies? I dunno. Anyway. This is especially true when it comes to horror movies. Any other genre of movies if it's good it's good, if it's bad, it's bad. But horror movies they're either "OMG THAT SHIT WUZ TEH BOMBZ DIGGITY!!!11!!!" or "PUKE!!!!! SHOOT ME NOW!!!!!". Again, this is mainly horror movies that's come out since 1998.
Now that we're going through some weird circle where all the classics are being remade, we now can add to the fold "A Nightmare on Elm Street".
Here are some pro and cons about said trailer:
Pro: They kept in a lot of the classic scenes.
Con: WTF is up with Freddy's voice at the end?
Pro: The guy who played Rorshach from "Watchmen" is playing Freddy.
Con: Michael Bay's name appears somewhere in the credits. Granted, only has producer but still.
Pro:...I'm out.
Con: This didn't need to be fuckin' remade. Robert Englund will always be Freddy Krueger, ok?
Yeah that James Earl Ray Whatever guy is a pretty good actor but can he pull off being Freddy? I guess we'll find out whenever this freakin' movie comes out.
Like I said, if it's good or bad, I win.
-Jason
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Invasion of the B Movies Goes Hollywood!!
Well, it's more like "GOING TO Hollywood". See what had happened was I went to Chicago cause I heard American Idol was there. I took my chances and stood in the long ass line. Finally, around 4 PM, I got called in. I walked in and there stood Simon, Randy, and that new chick. Paula was gone and Ellen wasn't signed on yet. I stood there, nervous.
"Hello", Simon said. I nodded my head.
"What song you gonna sing, dawg?" Randy asked.
"In My Projects by Coo Coo Cal".
Silence. I figured this was my cue. I sang the song.
More stunned silence.
Finally:
"That was the strangest thing I ever seen" Simon says.
"Yo Dawg" Randy says
"...." new girl says cause I don't know what she sounds like.
"Fuck it" Simon said. Yes he cusses they just edit it out on the show. "Send him to L.A"
"Alright" the others said.
I got my yellow piece of paper and now I'm going to L.A. I wasn't really suppose to tell anyone this until the show aired in January but I figured I had to explain why I was gonna be gone for the next 8 months. I'm going to L.A to set up an apartment and learn how to sing. Who knows, you might just be looking at the Next American Idol.
Or...
I'll just be gone for 4 days, visiting my friend (and fellow Mass Invader)Adam and doing god only knows what. Pick whichever scenario is more exciting. I think the American Idol one is. But going to L.A is pretty fucking exciting too. Anyway, I'll see you when I get back on Friday. Sure I'll have tons to talk about and pics to post and videos to post and probably pick up some STD's along the way.
Peace!
-Jason
Friday, September 18, 2009
Proving Felicia Right
Felicia: "When you get home you're gonna write about this movie, aren't you?"
Strange, since I rarely write about movies I see in theaters. But after seeing "Jennifer's Body", I felt I needed to write SOMETHING.
I'll say this. It's a strange movie. Which I love. I like any movie that is out of the norm and does it's own thing. What makes it strange is the entire setting is basically a typical teenage drama with typical high school problems like sports and getting laid.
Then all out of nowhere, you get SATAN!!!! >:) MU HAHAHAHAHA!!! And it just fucks things up.
The basic jist of this movie is this: Megan Fox is a hot chick who hangs around a chick not-so-hot-but-is-hot-in-real-life-but-in-her-own-way-not-Megan-Fox-kinda-way. They're total BFF's and talk in their own language. (Movie is written by Diablo Cody, it has it's own language.) One night Megan and Mamma Mia Chick go to some dive bar to watch some lame band. The lame band kidnaps Megan and does something. This something "changes" Megan and the shit hits the fan.
I really liked this movie, but I can tell it won't do good cause it's really not for everyone. People are gonna nitpick on the dialouge, the acting, the "WTF" ness of the movie, and the fact that besides the dialouge, this movie is 100 million times different than "Juno".
I'll say this. If you liked "Juno" for the story, you'll hate "Jennifer's Body". It's good to see a writer not stick to one type of genre. I dunno what Diablo Cody's gonna do next. Maybe an action spy movie like "Ocean's 11" or something. That'd be interesting.
"Like totes stealing this white rock! Lates!!!"
-Jason
Strange, since I rarely write about movies I see in theaters. But after seeing "Jennifer's Body", I felt I needed to write SOMETHING.
I'll say this. It's a strange movie. Which I love. I like any movie that is out of the norm and does it's own thing. What makes it strange is the entire setting is basically a typical teenage drama with typical high school problems like sports and getting laid.
Then all out of nowhere, you get SATAN!!!! >:) MU HAHAHAHAHA!!! And it just fucks things up.
The basic jist of this movie is this: Megan Fox is a hot chick who hangs around a chick not-so-hot-but-is-hot-in-real-life-but-in-her-own-way-not-Megan-Fox-kinda-way. They're total BFF's and talk in their own language. (Movie is written by Diablo Cody, it has it's own language.) One night Megan and Mamma Mia Chick go to some dive bar to watch some lame band. The lame band kidnaps Megan and does something. This something "changes" Megan and the shit hits the fan.
I really liked this movie, but I can tell it won't do good cause it's really not for everyone. People are gonna nitpick on the dialouge, the acting, the "WTF" ness of the movie, and the fact that besides the dialouge, this movie is 100 million times different than "Juno".
I'll say this. If you liked "Juno" for the story, you'll hate "Jennifer's Body". It's good to see a writer not stick to one type of genre. I dunno what Diablo Cody's gonna do next. Maybe an action spy movie like "Ocean's 11" or something. That'd be interesting.
"Like totes stealing this white rock! Lates!!!"
-Jason
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ooh, All Neat and Pretty
I finally finished renovating The Site. I moved stuff around, got rid of stuff, and stuffed stuff. I feel pretty happy about it. What you say?
And I updated the header here on the blog to reflect the change. I was gonna take into consideration the small mentions I recieved on the background of the blog and changed it but then I remembered all the other backgrounds that Blogger offers kinda suck. And when I change the format, the header gets all jacked up. So sorry people who weren't a fan of the white on black, I'm gonna keep it.
I'll work on putting more pictures in the middle of the reviews on The Blog though.
And please tell me what you think of the new layout. I really, really, really wanna ziga-ziga-zay-zah! Er, know.
-Jason
And I updated the header here on the blog to reflect the change. I was gonna take into consideration the small mentions I recieved on the background of the blog and changed it but then I remembered all the other backgrounds that Blogger offers kinda suck. And when I change the format, the header gets all jacked up. So sorry people who weren't a fan of the white on black, I'm gonna keep it.
I'll work on putting more pictures in the middle of the reviews on The Blog though.
And please tell me what you think of the new layout. I really, really, really wanna ziga-ziga-zay-zah! Er, know.
-Jason
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
More Like Crap Up....or Step Crap....It's Crap Is What I'm Saying
Step Up
(Originally written on 2/18/08)
"Step Up" has taught me a number of things. One of them is that people go retarded for dance movies. I blame the 80's. Sure, there were disco movies, but when disco died, so should've the movies. But NOOO! Instead we're introduced to break dancing and we get "Breakin'" and who can forget "Breakin' 2":....umm....some subtitle...gee how weird that I forgot it.
Anyway, now we're in a new millennium and when you make a dance movie for the new millennium, it's going to be break dance ver. 2.0. First we get "You Got Served", then "Stomp The Yard", and now we have Step Up, which is innovative cause they broke the "Verb The Noun" thing other dance movies had going.
Now that "Step Up 2 The Streets" is presently THE NUMBER 3 MOVIE in America (as of this writing, by next week it'll be in video stores), it's time for me to re-visit this great classic. But enough about "Short Circuit", let's talk about "Step Up".
I've gave Step Up and it's sequel way-y-y more publicity then it deserves at all because I found the "official" Myspace profile for both movies. On said profile, I found a contest where YOU can make a video of yourself dancing like a retard for 2 minutes, send it in, and they play your video during the ending credits. I did such a thing. I don't know (yet) if I ever made it into the movie but I wouldn't be surprised if I did.
The second thing I learned: Never name your kid Channing.
We start off with us doing a compare and contrast of the different dancing styles we'll be facing in this movie. We switch from ballet dancers to homeboyz doing hip hop break dancing moves in some parking garage. When we see the ballet dancers, we see a guy totally fondling his female dance partner, with a look on his face like "Ohhh yeah, this is why I do this..." Course he can't get too excited, it's hard to hide a hard-on with tights. Trust me, I know. (Don't ask.)
After we learn that the choreographer is also the director (or the director is also the choreographer, whichever is less scary), we focus on our "homeboyz", Tyler Gage (Yes, this is suppose to be his real name, played by one CHANNING Tatum), Mac and Mac's little annoying brother Skinny. It's unclear if Skinny is his real name or not. Tyler is doing some dance moves in a basement at a party with a hot black chick and a ugly black dude is like "Don't best be steppin' up to my girl, yo" which is probably what the damn title means and now I really hate life.
Tyler and dude fight until dude pulls out a gun, cause there's no enforcing stereotypes in a movie like this. Tyler, Mac, and Skinny run out of the party and now they're in the streets. While goofing around, Tyler throws some garbage at a window, breaking it. They go check it out and Skinny more or less decides to break in. I should note that Tyler didn't wanna go into the school but Skinny and Mac made him.
They find out that the school is called The Maryland School of Arts and they're like "Wow, rich white people have it made". I guess, but if I was rich and 100% white, I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that. Anyway, they start messing around inside the school and they do some light vandalism, which they seem ok with this. But little do they know that rich white people are paranoid and hire round the clock security guards, one of which catches them.
Skinny busts out of there while the guard has Mac. But Tyler, realizing that the law is gonna be tough on a brotha, decides to take the pinch instead, while Mac runs out. Well, he didn't run so much as skipped out, like there was no big hurry. And he was right. The guard didn't seem to bother to tell the police there were two other people in the school and instead all the blame goes on Tyler.
Tyler goes to court and is given 200 hours of community to perform at the school, which for once makes sense. I mean he basically has to clean up the mess he made, right? Why can't all judges do stuff like this? Anyway, we get a small glimpse into Tyler's life and we find that he's adopted and lives with two other adopted kids, a drunk foster dad and a super nice foster Mom, who bailed him out, despite having to work two jobs. I dunno though, if you have to work two jobs, why would you adopt THREE kids?
On the first day of community service, Tyler shows up at the school and they want to show us that he doesn't not belong by having him just slouch around the school looking all "WTF" like at everything. He finds his way to the headmaster's office and holy shit, she's hot.
The headmaster introduces Tyler to the head janitor who just simply hands him a mop and a bucket. Tyler is standing there like "Buh??" Then next scene he's immediately in a blue jumpsuit and is cleaning around the place. He roams by a dance hall where all the hot dance girls are like "Whoa, who's the new guy?" and we're introduced to Nora, the girl who is TOTALLY NOT gonna fall for Tyler because he's from the other side of the tracks! He's a convict! He trashed the place for fuck sakes!! She is disgusted with him!! So get the thought out of your mind right now. Plus she has a boyfriend anyway, who is probably secretly gay. Just a hunch.
Tyler is outside taking the trash out when Mac and Skinny show up. Even though Tyler went to jail for them, they still make fun of him, but Tyler whatevers it cause guys named Channing who's main thing is break dancing can't act. Or talk for that manner. Tyler mumbles everything like all he wants to do is dance, screw all this "boring talking" shit.
Back in the school, we learn that there's some kind of showcase thing going on and Nora's in charge of it. Of course there is. I mean, we need SOME kind of conflict, right? And it's a dance movie, so the conflict has to revolve around dancing. There are some friend's of Nora in this scene but frankly, I didn't catch their names and I really don't care.
Well, the next scene involves Tyler dancing outside while Nora watches and this goes on for awhile. Maybe I'll do some research while this is going on.
Ok so the hot black chick's name is Lucy and she's dating some "older" guy named Colin. Like Colin Farrell? I'm guessing these girls are underage but they sure don't look or sound like it. Ok, now that my research is done, let me see what's going on in the movie.
More dancing. What a surprise. But Tyler caught Nora staring at him, so that might be something. Honestly, why am I mentioning all this subplot stuff, it don't figure into the main story, so whatever. Lucy is banging an older guy, let's just move on.
Back to this showcase plot, Nora's boyfriend/dance partner Andrew broke his leg, so now Nora needs someone to rehearse with until Andrew's leg is all better. Hmmm I wonder who she's gonna pick....
I know I said I wasn't gonna mention the subplot stuff but I gotta complain about this. We get a montage of the work Tyler is doing and how it's impossible for him to do it with all the kids there, like they walk over his wet floor and they get in his way while vacuuming. What I don't get is, couldn't he just do this like later when everyone's gone?
Anyway, Nora holds auditions to find someone to replace Andrew and well, no one seems to work out. That is until Tyler is like "Hey can I grope you for awhile" and Nora is like "Sure" and sure enough he's perfect for the job.
And...more dancing. Except Nora's boyfriend Brett comes in...wait. I thought Andrew was her boyfriend? Is she...seeing two guys? Now I'm confused. Anyway, we learn Brett is an asshole. She should stick with Andrew, but I'm willing to bet Andrew is the "nice guy" who "cares about her feelings" and "does stuff for her". Why do women want THAT anyway? No, they need assholes in their lives!! DAMMIT!!!
Man, see what this movie is doing to me.
Subplot includes Heavy D running a chop shop and telling Tyler, Mac, and Skinny to bring an Escalade. And Tyler thinking the dancing Nora's doing is boring.
We get a montage of Tyler and Nora dancing, with Tyler trying to incorporate more break dancing into the routine while we listen to the official theme from Step Up!
Somewhere down the road after some dancing and other subplot stuff, Tyler shows up late to the rehearsal and there are other dancers in the studio. He finds Nora in Brett's recording studio recording a song that totally isn't his and Brett acts like an asshole some more while Tyler is confused about why he's late and why it means they can't practice.
The next day, Tyler doesn't show up at all and Nora finds him outside cleaning. He says he quits and just walks away. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing this is to teach her a lesson about...him being late? I hate this movie.
And to hate it even more, Tyler changes his mind in the next scene so the whole quitting thing is pointless. Nora is all pissed off and doesn't trust him anymore so Tyler is begging and Nora accepts if he take a ballet class....with a bunch of little girls. I guess this is suppose to be funny but it comes off as creepy, especially since this guy is suppose to be a criminal. But this does earn Nora's trust somehow and they're friends again and they're partners again.
While talking on some secret rooftop that Nora likes to go, she tells Tyler that she wants her showcase to feature more dancers and he's like "um...get some then" and I'm like "Yeah, duh!" So the next day, Tyler rounded up some more dancers and everybody is happy. Yay!!
Well except Mac and Skinny. They're pissed off that Tyler is always ditching them to run off to this dance school. And it was at this point that I realized all these characters are still in high school. Damn, when I was in high school I barely had time to do my homework, these people have time to do homework, dance, make out, climb rooftops, steal cars, and play basketball.
Another minor subplot with Brett proving he's still an asshole but I swear to you it's really not important and in fact Brett isn't seen again from this point so why even bother, movie? Tyler marches up to the hot headmaster and confesses his undying love to her. Ok, no. He thought about it and wants to be a student at the school. But Hot Headmaster tells him it's not gonna happen cause he's a hapless loser who likes to quit everything and he turns emo, but only for a moment cause remember he's big and bad and tough or whatever.
Guess what? More dancing. But this time...we get singing also!! No, Tyler doesn't sing, thank god. I think I would just kill myself if he did. No, it's Lucy's boyfriend Colin (AKA the pedo) who's doing the singing. It's basically your typical big party dance scene in every dance movie where everyone dances and they do a battle of the sexes thing and whatever and ever.
While they're dancing, I gotta ask. I find it kinda impossible they can dance in these baggy clothes, I mean wouldn't they be getting tripped up? Granted I'm not a dancer, well a professional one anyway, so what do I know?
Oh hey, whatta ya know? Colin is a cheater and Nora and Tyler are FINALLY dating or kissing or whatever you wanna call it. The next day, we get a touching scene where Tyler and his foster sister are dancing in their backyard.
After a montage of Tyler and Nora obviously not fuckin', Tyler's over at Nora's house where he meets her uptight Mom. It's a rather uncomfortable scene, like maybe all the actors didn't get along in real life or something. Then Tyler is about to go over some stuff with the dancers for the showcase when Mac shows up. He finds Tyler's big dark secret and is pissed and decides to never talk to Tyler ever again.
This must be the end of Act II in the movie cause not only is Tyler's friend (his only friend actually) pissed at him, but Andrew is back so that means Tyler's out of the showcase! GASP!!! Oddly enough, Nora still has two boyfriends, so whatever.
And I really can't believe in this day and age we still get the sad montage of the main character, who lost everything, just sitting in places looking collective while a slow sad song is playing. He even tries to explain everything to Mac but he's still pissed off at Tyler for dancing with white kids...honestly I don't even really get why Mac is mad. I mean Tyler did hang out with them when he could. I think of it as Tyler getting a job and Mac getting mad about that. Whatever, we're about to start Act III.
Almost instantly Mac forgives Tyler and they plan to go to a party at Heavy D's house. Nora's other boyfriend Andrew is too wimpy for this new dance routine and quits. Since she can't find Tyler, she decides to just fuck the whole thing and become a worker drone like her Mom wants her to.
The night of Heavy D's party, Tyler is at Skinny and Mac's house and their Mom says Skinny can't go to Heavy D's. And you probably know what's going to happen just my me merely saying that. I saw it coming 10 thousand miles away but the movie insists on dragging it out.
Tyler and Mac are at the party doing their thing when they run into Miles. Mac gets a reality check when he realizes how cool them dance/art school cats be. Then Skinny shows up. See? We're slowly getting there. Just...slowwwwly.
Tyler and Mac throw Skinny out of the party telling him to go home. Now that I see it, it's kinda their fault. They shoulda physically took him home, but nope. Skinny is walking when he see an Escalade. Remembering what Heavy D said earlier, he decides to take it. Well, this Escalade belongs to some big time gang member and-say it with me-Skinny gets popped.
Oh and despite being shot like 200 times, Skinny has no blood on him. How odd. In other news, Mac's Mom holds him responsible and sends him to 200 hours of community service in the stolen Escalade. After a tearful scene at Skinny's funeral, Mac gives Tyler the OK to go to the art school and do his thing. Funny how it takes the killing of his little brother for him to see the light and accept the whole "Maybe these white people aren't bad after all..."
So Tyler rushes over to the school before Nora goes on and after Nora rejects his plea to come back FIVE fuckin' times, she finally gives in. Mac sits in the audience and cheers for Tyler. The showcase begins and, well, it's all a lot of dancing. Pretty good dancing, don't get me wrong. But it's dancing. And Miles is doing the music for it. Oh and Miles and Lucy are finally dating.
When the showcase is done, ten thousand things go right for everybody. Nora is accepted into some dance company. Tyler is accepted into the school. Nora and Tyler are still fuckin'. Nora's Mom accepts that Nora dances and Tyler is...Tyler. Mac accepts Tyler's dancing skills. And the headmaster...is still hot.
As I stated, the ending credits feature actual people filming themselves dancing and there's a shitload of them. And the credits are so hard to see but no one's reading those, they're watching hot chicks jiggle in homemade videos. Watching this, I sorta have my doubts that I'm in the sequel after all cause apparently only people who took this "seriously" are featured, even though the entire concept is pretty goofy.
Ok, so what else needs to be said? It's a dance movie, so the acting isn't all that great, as with the storyline. And it's not even an interesting dance movie with any sort of villain presence or something. At least have some rich guy threaten to shut the school down or some crap. And this Channing Tatum dude is easily one of the worst actors I've ever seen. How he didn't get nominated for a Razzie in 2006 is beyond me. And I'm gonna re-instate that I'm not hatin' on the dancing in the movie, they all did a good job and I respect the art. I just don't think a movie about it is interesting. Unless it has the word "dirty" in it.
And finally, what could the sequel possibly be about? Maybe this time the school is going to be shut down by an evil rich guy and everyone must learn to live in the "Streets" or something? Looking at the cast for the sequel, none of the original people are in it. At least the main dude has a normal name. And the chick appears to be ten times hotter. Guess I'll let you know when I get it from Netflix next week.
-Jason
(Originally written on 2/18/08)
"Step Up" has taught me a number of things. One of them is that people go retarded for dance movies. I blame the 80's. Sure, there were disco movies, but when disco died, so should've the movies. But NOOO! Instead we're introduced to break dancing and we get "Breakin'" and who can forget "Breakin' 2":....umm....some subtitle...gee how weird that I forgot it.
Anyway, now we're in a new millennium and when you make a dance movie for the new millennium, it's going to be break dance ver. 2.0. First we get "You Got Served", then "Stomp The Yard", and now we have Step Up, which is innovative cause they broke the "Verb The Noun" thing other dance movies had going.
Now that "Step Up 2 The Streets" is presently THE NUMBER 3 MOVIE in America (as of this writing, by next week it'll be in video stores), it's time for me to re-visit this great classic. But enough about "Short Circuit", let's talk about "Step Up".
I've gave Step Up and it's sequel way-y-y more publicity then it deserves at all because I found the "official" Myspace profile for both movies. On said profile, I found a contest where YOU can make a video of yourself dancing like a retard for 2 minutes, send it in, and they play your video during the ending credits. I did such a thing. I don't know (yet) if I ever made it into the movie but I wouldn't be surprised if I did.
The second thing I learned: Never name your kid Channing.
We start off with us doing a compare and contrast of the different dancing styles we'll be facing in this movie. We switch from ballet dancers to homeboyz doing hip hop break dancing moves in some parking garage. When we see the ballet dancers, we see a guy totally fondling his female dance partner, with a look on his face like "Ohhh yeah, this is why I do this..." Course he can't get too excited, it's hard to hide a hard-on with tights. Trust me, I know. (Don't ask.)
After we learn that the choreographer is also the director (or the director is also the choreographer, whichever is less scary), we focus on our "homeboyz", Tyler Gage (Yes, this is suppose to be his real name, played by one CHANNING Tatum), Mac and Mac's little annoying brother Skinny. It's unclear if Skinny is his real name or not. Tyler is doing some dance moves in a basement at a party with a hot black chick and a ugly black dude is like "Don't best be steppin' up to my girl, yo" which is probably what the damn title means and now I really hate life.
Tyler and dude fight until dude pulls out a gun, cause there's no enforcing stereotypes in a movie like this. Tyler, Mac, and Skinny run out of the party and now they're in the streets. While goofing around, Tyler throws some garbage at a window, breaking it. They go check it out and Skinny more or less decides to break in. I should note that Tyler didn't wanna go into the school but Skinny and Mac made him.
They find out that the school is called The Maryland School of Arts and they're like "Wow, rich white people have it made". I guess, but if I was rich and 100% white, I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that. Anyway, they start messing around inside the school and they do some light vandalism, which they seem ok with this. But little do they know that rich white people are paranoid and hire round the clock security guards, one of which catches them.
Skinny busts out of there while the guard has Mac. But Tyler, realizing that the law is gonna be tough on a brotha, decides to take the pinch instead, while Mac runs out. Well, he didn't run so much as skipped out, like there was no big hurry. And he was right. The guard didn't seem to bother to tell the police there were two other people in the school and instead all the blame goes on Tyler.
Tyler goes to court and is given 200 hours of community to perform at the school, which for once makes sense. I mean he basically has to clean up the mess he made, right? Why can't all judges do stuff like this? Anyway, we get a small glimpse into Tyler's life and we find that he's adopted and lives with two other adopted kids, a drunk foster dad and a super nice foster Mom, who bailed him out, despite having to work two jobs. I dunno though, if you have to work two jobs, why would you adopt THREE kids?
On the first day of community service, Tyler shows up at the school and they want to show us that he doesn't not belong by having him just slouch around the school looking all "WTF" like at everything. He finds his way to the headmaster's office and holy shit, she's hot.
The headmaster introduces Tyler to the head janitor who just simply hands him a mop and a bucket. Tyler is standing there like "Buh??" Then next scene he's immediately in a blue jumpsuit and is cleaning around the place. He roams by a dance hall where all the hot dance girls are like "Whoa, who's the new guy?" and we're introduced to Nora, the girl who is TOTALLY NOT gonna fall for Tyler because he's from the other side of the tracks! He's a convict! He trashed the place for fuck sakes!! She is disgusted with him!! So get the thought out of your mind right now. Plus she has a boyfriend anyway, who is probably secretly gay. Just a hunch.
Tyler is outside taking the trash out when Mac and Skinny show up. Even though Tyler went to jail for them, they still make fun of him, but Tyler whatevers it cause guys named Channing who's main thing is break dancing can't act. Or talk for that manner. Tyler mumbles everything like all he wants to do is dance, screw all this "boring talking" shit.
Back in the school, we learn that there's some kind of showcase thing going on and Nora's in charge of it. Of course there is. I mean, we need SOME kind of conflict, right? And it's a dance movie, so the conflict has to revolve around dancing. There are some friend's of Nora in this scene but frankly, I didn't catch their names and I really don't care.
Well, the next scene involves Tyler dancing outside while Nora watches and this goes on for awhile. Maybe I'll do some research while this is going on.
Ok so the hot black chick's name is Lucy and she's dating some "older" guy named Colin. Like Colin Farrell? I'm guessing these girls are underage but they sure don't look or sound like it. Ok, now that my research is done, let me see what's going on in the movie.
More dancing. What a surprise. But Tyler caught Nora staring at him, so that might be something. Honestly, why am I mentioning all this subplot stuff, it don't figure into the main story, so whatever. Lucy is banging an older guy, let's just move on.
Back to this showcase plot, Nora's boyfriend/dance partner Andrew broke his leg, so now Nora needs someone to rehearse with until Andrew's leg is all better. Hmmm I wonder who she's gonna pick....
I know I said I wasn't gonna mention the subplot stuff but I gotta complain about this. We get a montage of the work Tyler is doing and how it's impossible for him to do it with all the kids there, like they walk over his wet floor and they get in his way while vacuuming. What I don't get is, couldn't he just do this like later when everyone's gone?
Anyway, Nora holds auditions to find someone to replace Andrew and well, no one seems to work out. That is until Tyler is like "Hey can I grope you for awhile" and Nora is like "Sure" and sure enough he's perfect for the job.
And...more dancing. Except Nora's boyfriend Brett comes in...wait. I thought Andrew was her boyfriend? Is she...seeing two guys? Now I'm confused. Anyway, we learn Brett is an asshole. She should stick with Andrew, but I'm willing to bet Andrew is the "nice guy" who "cares about her feelings" and "does stuff for her". Why do women want THAT anyway? No, they need assholes in their lives!! DAMMIT!!!
Man, see what this movie is doing to me.
Subplot includes Heavy D running a chop shop and telling Tyler, Mac, and Skinny to bring an Escalade. And Tyler thinking the dancing Nora's doing is boring.
We get a montage of Tyler and Nora dancing, with Tyler trying to incorporate more break dancing into the routine while we listen to the official theme from Step Up!
Somewhere down the road after some dancing and other subplot stuff, Tyler shows up late to the rehearsal and there are other dancers in the studio. He finds Nora in Brett's recording studio recording a song that totally isn't his and Brett acts like an asshole some more while Tyler is confused about why he's late and why it means they can't practice.
The next day, Tyler doesn't show up at all and Nora finds him outside cleaning. He says he quits and just walks away. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing this is to teach her a lesson about...him being late? I hate this movie.
And to hate it even more, Tyler changes his mind in the next scene so the whole quitting thing is pointless. Nora is all pissed off and doesn't trust him anymore so Tyler is begging and Nora accepts if he take a ballet class....with a bunch of little girls. I guess this is suppose to be funny but it comes off as creepy, especially since this guy is suppose to be a criminal. But this does earn Nora's trust somehow and they're friends again and they're partners again.
While talking on some secret rooftop that Nora likes to go, she tells Tyler that she wants her showcase to feature more dancers and he's like "um...get some then" and I'm like "Yeah, duh!" So the next day, Tyler rounded up some more dancers and everybody is happy. Yay!!
Well except Mac and Skinny. They're pissed off that Tyler is always ditching them to run off to this dance school. And it was at this point that I realized all these characters are still in high school. Damn, when I was in high school I barely had time to do my homework, these people have time to do homework, dance, make out, climb rooftops, steal cars, and play basketball.
Another minor subplot with Brett proving he's still an asshole but I swear to you it's really not important and in fact Brett isn't seen again from this point so why even bother, movie? Tyler marches up to the hot headmaster and confesses his undying love to her. Ok, no. He thought about it and wants to be a student at the school. But Hot Headmaster tells him it's not gonna happen cause he's a hapless loser who likes to quit everything and he turns emo, but only for a moment cause remember he's big and bad and tough or whatever.
Guess what? More dancing. But this time...we get singing also!! No, Tyler doesn't sing, thank god. I think I would just kill myself if he did. No, it's Lucy's boyfriend Colin (AKA the pedo) who's doing the singing. It's basically your typical big party dance scene in every dance movie where everyone dances and they do a battle of the sexes thing and whatever and ever.
While they're dancing, I gotta ask. I find it kinda impossible they can dance in these baggy clothes, I mean wouldn't they be getting tripped up? Granted I'm not a dancer, well a professional one anyway, so what do I know?
Oh hey, whatta ya know? Colin is a cheater and Nora and Tyler are FINALLY dating or kissing or whatever you wanna call it. The next day, we get a touching scene where Tyler and his foster sister are dancing in their backyard.
After a montage of Tyler and Nora obviously not fuckin', Tyler's over at Nora's house where he meets her uptight Mom. It's a rather uncomfortable scene, like maybe all the actors didn't get along in real life or something. Then Tyler is about to go over some stuff with the dancers for the showcase when Mac shows up. He finds Tyler's big dark secret and is pissed and decides to never talk to Tyler ever again.
This must be the end of Act II in the movie cause not only is Tyler's friend (his only friend actually) pissed at him, but Andrew is back so that means Tyler's out of the showcase! GASP!!! Oddly enough, Nora still has two boyfriends, so whatever.
And I really can't believe in this day and age we still get the sad montage of the main character, who lost everything, just sitting in places looking collective while a slow sad song is playing. He even tries to explain everything to Mac but he's still pissed off at Tyler for dancing with white kids...honestly I don't even really get why Mac is mad. I mean Tyler did hang out with them when he could. I think of it as Tyler getting a job and Mac getting mad about that. Whatever, we're about to start Act III.
Almost instantly Mac forgives Tyler and they plan to go to a party at Heavy D's house. Nora's other boyfriend Andrew is too wimpy for this new dance routine and quits. Since she can't find Tyler, she decides to just fuck the whole thing and become a worker drone like her Mom wants her to.
The night of Heavy D's party, Tyler is at Skinny and Mac's house and their Mom says Skinny can't go to Heavy D's. And you probably know what's going to happen just my me merely saying that. I saw it coming 10 thousand miles away but the movie insists on dragging it out.
Tyler and Mac are at the party doing their thing when they run into Miles. Mac gets a reality check when he realizes how cool them dance/art school cats be. Then Skinny shows up. See? We're slowly getting there. Just...slowwwwly.
Tyler and Mac throw Skinny out of the party telling him to go home. Now that I see it, it's kinda their fault. They shoulda physically took him home, but nope. Skinny is walking when he see an Escalade. Remembering what Heavy D said earlier, he decides to take it. Well, this Escalade belongs to some big time gang member and-say it with me-Skinny gets popped.
Oh and despite being shot like 200 times, Skinny has no blood on him. How odd. In other news, Mac's Mom holds him responsible and sends him to 200 hours of community service in the stolen Escalade. After a tearful scene at Skinny's funeral, Mac gives Tyler the OK to go to the art school and do his thing. Funny how it takes the killing of his little brother for him to see the light and accept the whole "Maybe these white people aren't bad after all..."
So Tyler rushes over to the school before Nora goes on and after Nora rejects his plea to come back FIVE fuckin' times, she finally gives in. Mac sits in the audience and cheers for Tyler. The showcase begins and, well, it's all a lot of dancing. Pretty good dancing, don't get me wrong. But it's dancing. And Miles is doing the music for it. Oh and Miles and Lucy are finally dating.
When the showcase is done, ten thousand things go right for everybody. Nora is accepted into some dance company. Tyler is accepted into the school. Nora and Tyler are still fuckin'. Nora's Mom accepts that Nora dances and Tyler is...Tyler. Mac accepts Tyler's dancing skills. And the headmaster...is still hot.
As I stated, the ending credits feature actual people filming themselves dancing and there's a shitload of them. And the credits are so hard to see but no one's reading those, they're watching hot chicks jiggle in homemade videos. Watching this, I sorta have my doubts that I'm in the sequel after all cause apparently only people who took this "seriously" are featured, even though the entire concept is pretty goofy.
Ok, so what else needs to be said? It's a dance movie, so the acting isn't all that great, as with the storyline. And it's not even an interesting dance movie with any sort of villain presence or something. At least have some rich guy threaten to shut the school down or some crap. And this Channing Tatum dude is easily one of the worst actors I've ever seen. How he didn't get nominated for a Razzie in 2006 is beyond me. And I'm gonna re-instate that I'm not hatin' on the dancing in the movie, they all did a good job and I respect the art. I just don't think a movie about it is interesting. Unless it has the word "dirty" in it.
And finally, what could the sequel possibly be about? Maybe this time the school is going to be shut down by an evil rich guy and everyone must learn to live in the "Streets" or something? Looking at the cast for the sequel, none of the original people are in it. At least the main dude has a normal name. And the chick appears to be ten times hotter. Guess I'll let you know when I get it from Netflix next week.
-Jason
Sunday, September 13, 2009
New Review/Mass Invasion: Barbarella
For the 8th Mass Invasion, we hook up with Jane Fonda in space!
Barbarella
And also, I wrote a thing on Cracked.com about The Asylum movie company. Check that out, please?
Thanks!
-Jason
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Bullet by Bullet Thoughts on Glee: Episode 2
A few months ago I was introduced to the horror of "Glee" during "American Idol". I just saw the cast ruin one of my favorite Journey songs and I wanted to cry. Later, looking into it, I saw they also performed "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse which is a highly inappropriate song to play on a show aimed at teenagers, ABOUT teenagers performing at a school function.
Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly offended. I'm just surprised such things were allowed to fly and it makes me wonder why this shit airs but good stuff like...crap all the shows I liked were taken off the air ten years ago. This goes to show you, there's no good shows on regular TV anymore besides "Lost" and "24". God help us.
Anyway, I wanted to actually sit down and watch a whole episode to see just how bad this show is and I've come to find out: it's not good and it's really offensive when it comes to it's portrayals of ethnic stereotypes and the handicap. With that done, let's do a bullet by bullet list of what I thought of episode 2 of "Glee".
-Before "Glee" I was watching the final minutes of "So You Think You Can Dance" and realize it's the anti-American Idol, where they only show the good people and condense all the bad people into 3 second clips. I was impressed with the good dancers though.
-Start of the show: the Glee teacher drives a car with the license plate "GLEE" on it. Imagine if all teachers had to do this, how many would read "GYM" or "SHOP" or "SEX". Actually, I did see one with "SEX" on it before. I should've stopped them and asked them if they did teach sex ed.
-I see Jane Lynch, the chick from "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Role Models" is on this show. And now I see she was brought on cause she herself is funny and they needed at least one funny person on this show. But I can't stand her character, which I suppose is the point. The problem is they never establish WHY she hates the Glee people and wants them to fail so bad. She's such an over-the-top villian I'm surprised they didn't have her standing off on the side of the stage, laughing manically while cutting a sandbag to land on one of the performers.
-Hey, look, it's the Stereotype Club! We have: the Asian, the Sassy Black girl who I SWEAR TO GOD did that wave thing with her finger TWICE in this episode (another point about her in a minute), the gay dude, the handicap kid, the nerdy girl with the crush on the football jock, and the football jock. And of course the jock is dating a cheerleader and of course she's a bitch and of course she has a posse. I get the feeling it's already been brought'en.
-The teacher of these Glee people is named Mr. Shoe, short for Shuster. Why they can't just add the second syllable to his name is beyond me. It's like they wanted him to be the cool teacher so he needed a nickname. In that case, his name should've been Shoemeijisckowski or something.
-So Shoe is married and his sister-in-law is annoying as hell. Fuck, I'm 10 minutes into the show and I want every character to die a horrible death. Yes, the wife is annoying too. She's like a poor "Real Housewives of Whatever City" chick.
-Another annoying character: THE OCD Teacher. I like Monk when he's all OCD cause Tony Shaloub puts a comical spin on it. This lady puts an annoying spin on it. And the reason why she's OCD is real stupid: she fell into some cow shit. I'm sure it takes more than that to become OCD.
-Because Jane Lynch wants to get rid of the Glee club to build her multi-million dollar casino, she gives Shoe all kinds of problems, like the fact they only have 5 kids in the club and they need 12 or more. Of course there's a deadline or else Happy Gilmore's grandmother's house is sold.
-Shoe is going over songs to perform at the pep assembly happening sometime later that week and he wants to do "Le Freak", which as it was explained by songwriter Nile Rogers they're really saying "ahhhhh FUCK OFF", but changed it cause you couldn't name a song that in the 70's. Shoe insists disco is good but then since there's a stereotypical black chick there, he might as well do a rap song so he suggests, of all fucking songs "Golddigger" by Kanye West. Of course Black Chick is happy with this and snaps her fingers and stuff. God help me.
-Yes, they changed the lyrics, practically all of them. I don't even wanna talk about how they got around the "ass like Serena" thing, it pains me.
-Nerdy chick loves jock, jock is feeling things for nerdy chick cause he's not gettin any from Cheerleader chick cause she loves the Jonas Brothers. So much so that she formed a JoBro's Club, disguised it as a "chastity club" and they start humping balloons instead. I wish I was making that up.
-Jock has a "pre-mature" problem if you will, so to stay in control he thinks of the time he ran over a mailman with his car. Whatever helps.
-Shoe and his wife, who's pregnant, are forced by Shoe's Annoying-In-Law that they MUST get a fancy house, which Shoe can't afford on a teacher's salary. So he has to moonlight has the school's janitor. OCD Chick shows up and cleans a pencil sharpener for an hour. OCD and Shoe are about to make out when Shoe thinks of the time he killed that hobo with a hammer and leaves. Some other guy that we never met before saw this whole thing.
-It's time for the show at the assembly. Prior to this, Nerdy Chick tells the Glee People they're gonna do a different song since it's a known fact high schoolers are horny as hell so they perform, and again I'm not kidding:
This video might as well be the actual performace from the show. Of course the students loved it, the teachers not so much. Jane Lynch wanted Shoe to quit and have the Glee kid be her slaves or something but the Principal says he liked it but to please the parents, they can only perform songs about Jesus. And 99 Luftballoons. I don't get it either.
-Nerdy Chick is caught vomiting and OCD chick thinks she bulemic but she's not. This plot point is quickly dropped. Ok.
-At first I thought this was presented with no commercials cause I was cooking dinner while the show was on and my mac and cheese was burning. Thankfully, 20 minutes later, there was a commercial. My mac and cheese, however, didn't survive. Damn you "Glee".
-Shoe Wife goes to the doctors and it's discovered she's not pregnant, just crazy. Of course, she lies to Shoe about being pregnant and says it's a boy. Hey, now it's "Baby Mama" with a "High School Musical" thrown in. Only difference is I liked "Baby Mama".
-Jock and Nerdy Girl make out but he thinks of that mailman and runs away to clean up.
-Cheerleader chick, jealous, joins the Glee'ers so now we have an Ashley Tisdale. Hooray.
-Nerdy Chick is upset by this and sings Rhianna's "Take A Bow". I hate "Take A Bow". And this doesn't really fit into what's happening here cause the song is about Rhianna finding out her boyfriend cheated on her but he lied about it and she found out he lied. Maybe Nerdy Chick wants Jock to confess to cheating on Cheerleader? I dunno.
And with that, this episode ends. Ugh. And to prove my point, I offer the following picture, expertly done in MS Paint. Only the best for my blog:
Actually, Nerdy Girl is a combination of Vanessa Hudgens and that piano playin' chick from "High School Musical." Those not in the know, yes I did review "High School Musical" and it's sequel. God help me, I'm an expert.
-I will add that I was surprised at the performances on the show. I mean, every single actor on this show is great at lip syching! It's like they're singing! But not! Wow!!
Overall, I was involved with a musical when I was in high school and a football player was the lead. He was a super nice guy and a great performer. I was just a backup singer/dancer/"this guy sucks so we'll put in as far in the back as possible" but he did talk to me. So if this show is suppose to reflect how musical theater is like in real life, I give it a fail. Loser horns, GO!
-Jason
Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly offended. I'm just surprised such things were allowed to fly and it makes me wonder why this shit airs but good stuff like...crap all the shows I liked were taken off the air ten years ago. This goes to show you, there's no good shows on regular TV anymore besides "Lost" and "24". God help us.
Anyway, I wanted to actually sit down and watch a whole episode to see just how bad this show is and I've come to find out: it's not good and it's really offensive when it comes to it's portrayals of ethnic stereotypes and the handicap. With that done, let's do a bullet by bullet list of what I thought of episode 2 of "Glee".
-Before "Glee" I was watching the final minutes of "So You Think You Can Dance" and realize it's the anti-American Idol, where they only show the good people and condense all the bad people into 3 second clips. I was impressed with the good dancers though.
-Start of the show: the Glee teacher drives a car with the license plate "GLEE" on it. Imagine if all teachers had to do this, how many would read "GYM" or "SHOP" or "SEX". Actually, I did see one with "SEX" on it before. I should've stopped them and asked them if they did teach sex ed.
-I see Jane Lynch, the chick from "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Role Models" is on this show. And now I see she was brought on cause she herself is funny and they needed at least one funny person on this show. But I can't stand her character, which I suppose is the point. The problem is they never establish WHY she hates the Glee people and wants them to fail so bad. She's such an over-the-top villian I'm surprised they didn't have her standing off on the side of the stage, laughing manically while cutting a sandbag to land on one of the performers.
-Hey, look, it's the Stereotype Club! We have: the Asian, the Sassy Black girl who I SWEAR TO GOD did that wave thing with her finger TWICE in this episode (another point about her in a minute), the gay dude, the handicap kid, the nerdy girl with the crush on the football jock, and the football jock. And of course the jock is dating a cheerleader and of course she's a bitch and of course she has a posse. I get the feeling it's already been brought'en.
-The teacher of these Glee people is named Mr. Shoe, short for Shuster. Why they can't just add the second syllable to his name is beyond me. It's like they wanted him to be the cool teacher so he needed a nickname. In that case, his name should've been Shoemeijisckowski or something.
-So Shoe is married and his sister-in-law is annoying as hell. Fuck, I'm 10 minutes into the show and I want every character to die a horrible death. Yes, the wife is annoying too. She's like a poor "Real Housewives of Whatever City" chick.
-Another annoying character: THE OCD Teacher. I like Monk when he's all OCD cause Tony Shaloub puts a comical spin on it. This lady puts an annoying spin on it. And the reason why she's OCD is real stupid: she fell into some cow shit. I'm sure it takes more than that to become OCD.
-Because Jane Lynch wants to get rid of the Glee club to build her multi-million dollar casino, she gives Shoe all kinds of problems, like the fact they only have 5 kids in the club and they need 12 or more. Of course there's a deadline or else Happy Gilmore's grandmother's house is sold.
-Shoe is going over songs to perform at the pep assembly happening sometime later that week and he wants to do "Le Freak", which as it was explained by songwriter Nile Rogers they're really saying "ahhhhh FUCK OFF", but changed it cause you couldn't name a song that in the 70's. Shoe insists disco is good but then since there's a stereotypical black chick there, he might as well do a rap song so he suggests, of all fucking songs "Golddigger" by Kanye West. Of course Black Chick is happy with this and snaps her fingers and stuff. God help me.
-Yes, they changed the lyrics, practically all of them. I don't even wanna talk about how they got around the "ass like Serena" thing, it pains me.
-Nerdy chick loves jock, jock is feeling things for nerdy chick cause he's not gettin any from Cheerleader chick cause she loves the Jonas Brothers. So much so that she formed a JoBro's Club, disguised it as a "chastity club" and they start humping balloons instead. I wish I was making that up.
-Jock has a "pre-mature" problem if you will, so to stay in control he thinks of the time he ran over a mailman with his car. Whatever helps.
-Shoe and his wife, who's pregnant, are forced by Shoe's Annoying-In-Law that they MUST get a fancy house, which Shoe can't afford on a teacher's salary. So he has to moonlight has the school's janitor. OCD Chick shows up and cleans a pencil sharpener for an hour. OCD and Shoe are about to make out when Shoe thinks of the time he killed that hobo with a hammer and leaves. Some other guy that we never met before saw this whole thing.
-It's time for the show at the assembly. Prior to this, Nerdy Chick tells the Glee People they're gonna do a different song since it's a known fact high schoolers are horny as hell so they perform, and again I'm not kidding:
This video might as well be the actual performace from the show. Of course the students loved it, the teachers not so much. Jane Lynch wanted Shoe to quit and have the Glee kid be her slaves or something but the Principal says he liked it but to please the parents, they can only perform songs about Jesus. And 99 Luftballoons. I don't get it either.
-Nerdy Chick is caught vomiting and OCD chick thinks she bulemic but she's not. This plot point is quickly dropped. Ok.
-At first I thought this was presented with no commercials cause I was cooking dinner while the show was on and my mac and cheese was burning. Thankfully, 20 minutes later, there was a commercial. My mac and cheese, however, didn't survive. Damn you "Glee".
-Shoe Wife goes to the doctors and it's discovered she's not pregnant, just crazy. Of course, she lies to Shoe about being pregnant and says it's a boy. Hey, now it's "Baby Mama" with a "High School Musical" thrown in. Only difference is I liked "Baby Mama".
-Jock and Nerdy Girl make out but he thinks of that mailman and runs away to clean up.
-Cheerleader chick, jealous, joins the Glee'ers so now we have an Ashley Tisdale. Hooray.
-Nerdy Chick is upset by this and sings Rhianna's "Take A Bow". I hate "Take A Bow". And this doesn't really fit into what's happening here cause the song is about Rhianna finding out her boyfriend cheated on her but he lied about it and she found out he lied. Maybe Nerdy Chick wants Jock to confess to cheating on Cheerleader? I dunno.
And with that, this episode ends. Ugh. And to prove my point, I offer the following picture, expertly done in MS Paint. Only the best for my blog:
Actually, Nerdy Girl is a combination of Vanessa Hudgens and that piano playin' chick from "High School Musical." Those not in the know, yes I did review "High School Musical" and it's sequel. God help me, I'm an expert.
-I will add that I was surprised at the performances on the show. I mean, every single actor on this show is great at lip syching! It's like they're singing! But not! Wow!!
Overall, I was involved with a musical when I was in high school and a football player was the lead. He was a super nice guy and a great performer. I was just a backup singer/dancer/"this guy sucks so we'll put in as far in the back as possible" but he did talk to me. So if this show is suppose to reflect how musical theater is like in real life, I give it a fail. Loser horns, GO!
-Jason
Sunday, September 06, 2009
New Review/VHS Dump: Demonoid
Pretend this is the prequel to "Idle Hands".
Demonoid
And thanks for your patience when it comes to new content. Great new stuff coming up!
-Jason
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Oh, Borders, You Never Fail To Amaze
Gory Gory Hallejuah
Originally written on 5/20/07
I found this movie randomly at Borders one day a few months back. The price was like $22 or something, which was kinda steep for me then. But this was a movie that I just had to get and see. I can't pass up a movie about four actors who all want to play Jesus in a play who end up on a road trip and get caught in a super religious town.
I just can't.
The movie starts with four actors all up for the part of Jesus in a stage play called "The Greatest Play Ever Written". All the actors aren't your typical people when you think of the role of Jesus. But then again if Willem Dafoe can play Jesus, I suppose anyone can.
First we have the bi-sexual hippie Sky who talks like Keanu Reeves. Then Rahim, the militant black dude with an afro. Joshua, who is Jewish. And finally Jessie, who is a woman. And a hot one at that. They each do a piece for the director, who was kinda sorta impressed with all them, except Joshua, even though he pointed out that Jesus was in fact a Jew. The director tells these four to take off and he's gonna play Jesus his damn self.
Rejected, they decide to buddy up and go on a road trip to New York where auditions for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, er no, Superstar are being held. They get on their motorcycles that they got out of nowhere and hit the road.
Later that night they make a pit stop where they all smoke weed and Sky does the sexy-time with Jessie. Rahim and Josh leave and go to a bar but they come back saying Josh's "neck thingy" which was a symbol of his Jew-hood or something was stolen by a roughneck gang of thugs.
So all four go back to the bar and find the worst thing imaginable: a bar full of Elvis impersonators! Seriously. The main one, who weighs in at 600 pounds, is the one who stole the necklace. When our four heroes confront the real, real fat Elvis a big brawl breaks out. Did I mention one of the Elvis' was a midget? You haven't lived until you see a midget Elvis kick a black guy's ass.
The fat Elvis starts to rape Jessie, who finds a corkscrew and stabs him in the dick with it, killing him. Josh finds his necklace and they all get the fuck outta there. The next day, they find themselves in the city of Jackville, which is a super religious right-wing town. Sky goes to the bathroom where another guy is in there. He comments on the size of Sky's dick and Sky is interested.
But this turns out to be a undercover bust and all four are arrested and taken to the local church, which also serves as the jail and the courthouse. While in "jail", they meet Mo Jack, a kind elderly black dude who gives them food. He's like a washed up Uncle Remus in a way.
The townspeople have a meeting and they decide to use the four wannabe Jesus' to help them with some stupid plan that turns out to be the main plot of the movie. I'm not really sure I totally understand the main plot myself so talking about it is gonna make it kinda hard for me.
The next day the judge tells the four prisoners that they are to be released individually to different people in the town. Rahim is released to the Preacher, Jessie is released to some lady named Prudence, Sky is released to Mo Jack, and Josh is sent to some "secret" place.
The "secret" place is a whorehouse that's off in the woods somewhere. Josh meets Mary Ann there and proceeds to bone her. Rahim is made to dress up like Aunt Jemima (no kidding) and make dinner. Jessie is gassed and dragged to the woods where she wakes up and finds she's being inducted into a feminist group where all the women of the town proceed to have lesbian sex with each other. Sky is just chillin' with Mo Jack when he decides to escape. But he makes a wrong turn somewhere and runs across some mountain boys who proceed to "have their way" with him, which I'm sure he didn't totally mind.
The preacher fills us in on the complicated plot. Rahim, Jessie, and Josh all have to testify against Sky, who will then testify against Mo Jack, who lives in a shack off in the hills somewhere with his dead relatives. And a goat. The preacher is looking for some rod that was sent from Heaven and with the rod the "true leader" will lead his people to glory. And the preacher thinks the rod is on Mo Jack's land.
So the trial starts the next day and since Jessie, Josh, and Rahim have all be brainwashed, they all blame Sky and are let go. Sky is then put on trial and Ralph Peed, the fancy lawyer in this town, tricks Sky into saying that Mo Jack is evil and/or the devil or something. So now Mo Jack is on trial.
The preacher and Rahim leave for Mo Jack's place where they start digging for the rod, which they find. Jessie has a change of heart and tells the judge she was forced to lie about Sky, but Prudence calls her a witch and the townspeople grab her and proceed to burn her.
Then the world comes to an end.
Which really means zombies just come all out of nowhere and start attacking the townspeople. Rahim thinks he was the one chosen to lead since 90% of the zombies are black, but he's mistaken. The true leader is Mo Jack, who was killed at first but now he is risen. When a zombie kills Mary Ann, Josh is all heart broken and wants God to kill him too, which He does. Joe, the deputy, is killed and his wife shoots Sky, cause she blames him for all of this, for some reason.
Jessie is the last of the four to be alive and the epilogue shows her writing in a diary telling us she's been in this zombie town for three days with no food or water...then she dies. But Mo Jack, who is now risen, brings everyone back to life and they all perform a dance number.
The end.
I like it when movies decide not to take themselves seriously, and this movie TOTALLY doesn't take itself seriously. It was actually really funny and it kept my interest the entire time and when the zombies came all out of nowhere I was delighted cause I like when zombies appear out of nowhere. I think other movies should have zombies just appear out of nowhere. Sure "Goodfellas" is good, but how much more awesome would've been if zombies came out of nowhere?
Exactly!
-Jason
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