Monday, December 14, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #2

Welcome to the next round in the Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match!!! Last week Fletch and "The Happening" layed the SMACKDOWN on Rachel and "Eraserhead". Will there be another SMAKCDOWN tonight, fight fans?!? Let's find out!!!

Introducing the challenger, my best friend Bill and his pick:

Atomic Rulers of the World
(The worst movie ever)

And this is what he has to say about it and why you should vote for it, even if you haven't seen it:

"Why did I pick "Atomic Rulers of the World" as the worst movie that I have ever seen? Well normally really bad movies, no matter how horrible and nauseating they may be, always have at least one or two somewhat redeeming qualities about them. For example, they may have a really goofy song that's super catchy or some sort of ridiculously cheesy dialogue that's so bad it's good.
Well this movie is so awful that it doesn't have any of those sort of neat little redeeming qualities. There's no painfully funny lines like "Garbage Day!" or "I'll Be Back on Wednesday.", and there's no disobedient child peeing all over everyone's food on the dinner table.
What this piece of crap does have is a superhero from another planet named Star Man who was sent to Earth by a group of robots in order to stop the Japanese Mafia from building and sellig bombs. If that plot's not charming enough throw in a group of meddling children, one of which the Japanese Mafia kidnaps and continually threatens to murder for no reason.
Unfortunately the movie is basically what I just told you and it seems to drag on for hours on end. Fortunately for us we do have the displeasure of looking at Star Man's package for hours on end as well. Put some damn underwear on for God's sakes!
Hell, on top of that we get to see him jump and bounce all over the place, thus giving us dozens of new exciting angles of his Superhero package! In closing I ask one important question, why is it that Star Man can bend metal but yet he struggles to take on ordinary Mafia guys with no Super powers what-so-ever? That's what I thought."


Oh SNAP! That sounds bad. And now here's the CHAMPION!!! Fletch, with "The Happening". To remind you what he said here ya go:

"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."


Alright so is some weird superhero movies versus Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong! The winner is up to YOU, WHICH is the worst movie? VOTE NOW!!!
-Jason

3 comments:

TJMAC510 said...

As horrible as Atomic Rulers of the World is (I'd rather sit on barbed wire) I do have to say that The Happening is worse IMO. To me its not just the horrible dialogue or the plants as the villians or the suicide shock factor but its the fact that nobody cared in that movie. Its like ol Shammy wanted another paycheck and filmed this as he went along without any care. Its the lack of caring that makes it worse. At least with Atomic Rulers SOMEBODY cared (although the package was pretty annoying)

Wings said...

Voted!

Anonymous said...

I CAN'T DECIDE!!

ABP - VBW!