Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Five

(Before I begin this chapter, only two days left to vote in this week's Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match! I'm being annoying with the reminders cause there's only 6 votes and only one person stepped forward saying they wanna take on whoever wins this week. I need more people to keep this going, yo! I never pressured you to do anything ever! Don't give up the fight, Johnny! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!! AROUND!!!!!! Wait...sorry. Anyway, participate.

And this is probably the weirdest chapter I've written so far, with the Lady Gaga thing and the part of the airplane that I'm sure really doesn't exist. Keep in mind this is all suppose to play out like a bad movie.)

What was weird was prior to boarding the plane I had "Let's Dance" in my head. I really have no idea why it was. Maybe it's fate or maybe I'm partically psychic. I don't know. But now I was looking at the chick singing the song that's currently in my head. How fucking weird is that?

"Yes, I am," Lady Gaga said. She looked out the window. "Why aren't we flying yet?"
"Sorry, ma'am," James said. He went back into the cockpit and got ready to take off. Rick and I took seats next to Lady Gaga.
"I just wanna say I like your songs," I said. I saw Rick moving his head. I think he was agreeing with me.
"That's good," was all Lady Gaga said. She kept staring out the window. The world might not agree with me but I think she's fuckin' hot. Kinda too bad she's wearing a curtain.

The plane started moving forward. I buckled my seatbelt and the plane was just simply rolling on the tarmac. I always hated planes taking off. I barely noticed it on the way to L.A cause I was reading about "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet". I figured I needed a similar distraction so I turned and looked at Lady Gaga's tits. I gotta say it helped.

Next thing I knew the plane was going up into the sky. I got to see her tit's jiggle. I had to be careful not to get too excited. Soon, the plane was in the air and the jiggling stopped. Lady Gaga turned to me.

"So, what exactly is going on?" she asked.
"My friend is on his way to kill me."
"But you're here."
"He doesn't know I'm here. He thinks I'm somewhere else."
"So, I take it you like to play poker?"
"Where do you get that idea?"
" face?"
"Oh. No, I don't like to play poker. The song isn't about poker. It's about..."
Then Lady Gaga paused. She thought for a minute. Then two. I turned to Rick, who was still moving his head but now I see he was shaking his head. He looked at me and continued shaking his head. I shrugged my shoulders, silently asking "what?" Rick just continued shaking his head.
"...not giving away what you're thinking. Remaing stoic. You know, like this." Lady Gaga then made a blank face. I nodded.
"Awesome," was all I said.

I turned to Rick.
"So if we catch up to him, what's the plan?"
"I don't have one."
"You don't have a plan?"
"No. I like going into situations like this with no plan to see what the mind can come up with at the last minute, you know?"

I thought that was stupid but again I'm not a F.B.I agent. I turned back to Lady Gaga. I decided to try something crazy because how often am I gonna run into a female celebrity.

"So what should I call you? Lady? Gaga? The Ga? Miss Gaga?"
"Lady Gaga's fine."
"Ok. So Lady Gaga, is there a Gentleman Gaga?"
"Are you the paparatzzi?"
"Um, no."
"You know I hate them."

It remained silent for a minute.

"Does disco stick mean what I think it means?"
"Yes. I like to fuck. Are you trying to fuck me?"

I was taken aback. I never had anyone be straightforward in asking me that. I actually stumbled for a minute.

"I'll be in the back. Come by when you're ready." Then Lady Gaga stood up and went to the back of the plane. Holy shit, I was gonna fuck a female celebrity. I figured it'd be someone like Scarlett Johannson or Jessica Biel or Alba. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. A celebrity is a celebrity. AND it's gonna be on an airplane. Mile high club here I come.

As I was about to stand up, Rick, who was looking out the window the entire time, grabbed my arm.

"That's the plane!" he exclaimed.
"What?" was all I said, trying to hide my boner.
"The plane your friend is on. I got the numbers from Miss Airhead at the airport and they match the ones on the plane. Come on, we got to get on that plane."
"What? No!" Rick looked at me. "I are we gonna get off of this plane and get on that plane?"
"Every plane has a secret hatch in the back that you can get in and out of in case of an emergency. The public isn't aware of this, so we can get in there without causing a panic on that plane. I'll talk to the pilot and have him line us up with the back of that plane."

Rick got up and went to the cockpit. I wondered if it was enough time to go in the back "real quick" but by the time I made my decision, Rick was back.

"Ok, he's gonna do it. Come on."

Rick headed towards the back. I followed him and I noticed a small room with a curtain drawn. I went and opened it and there was Lady Gaga. I tried to walk in but Rick quickly grabbed me, poked his head through the curtain and said "Thanks for letting us-oh. Sorry to interrupt you while you were changing. Thanks."

Needless to say, the news and the gossip is wrong about her.

We continued to the back of the plane and Rick was cutting open some fabric. Behind that was a 4 foot wide hatch with a handle. Rick turned it and opened it. The wind was unbearable. Rick poked his head out, then he turned to me and mouthed something. I just nodded. I didn't care. I was pissed.

Rick then pulled himself through the opening and I noticed that we were in fact right underneath a passenger airplane. Rick reached up and found a knob to a similar looking hatch. He turned it with all his stregth and finally it opened. He pushed the door inward and grabbing onto the inside of the second plane he pushed his way in. I poked my head out and made the mistake of looking down.

Suddenly everything was spinning and I felt like throwing up. I might've thrown up, I don't recall. Suddenly, things went black.

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