Tuesday, August 02, 2011
The theme for this month's "Lair of the Unwanted" is "celebrating the '80s", so I decided to embrace that for every movie I watch this month. Looking around on Netflix for a film to review for "Man, I Love Films" I decided to see what 1980's film I can do and I stumbled upon "Hell Night", which stars Linda Blair, her tits, and Vincent Van Patten.
Between "The Exorcist" and "Exorcist 2" Linda Blair developed quite nicely. Sadly, I don't mean her acting. Her acting in "Exorcist 2" and in "Hell Night" leave much to be desired. I'm not even sure why she's in this film. I guess they needed a big name for this shitty movie and Linnea Quigley wasn't available.
(Side note: Can you believe there are GUYS, and yes I mean MALES, who HAVE NO IDEA who Linnea Quigley is?! I mean...how is that even possible? It's borderline child abuse in a way.)
Anyway, "Hell Night".
Things start off at a college party and a fratnerity. I'm not too up on my Greek Alphabet but it doesn't really matter. It's "Hell Night", which means anyone pledging the fraternity has to go through some form of initiation. As we tackled on a previous episode of "The Lair", most hell nights last a week. But here, this is only for one night.
We meet Linda Blair's character (I forget her name) and she's not really interested in joining the sorority but is being dragged along by her friend Denise who sometimes remembers to speak in a Foreign accent. The two dudes being initiated are Seth (Vince Van Patten, who learned how to talk since the 1970's) and Jeff.
So here's the set up, which is painfully set up cause it takes 20 fucking minutes (bet I can do it in 2):
A rich family lived in a super fancy house outside of town. The wife gave birth to four kids who all have some genetic problems. The dad is sick of his freak family and decides to kill them all, then himself. But Dad forgot to kill a kid so he's left alive and went missing. Supposedly, he's roaming the deserted house after all these years.
Guess where the bulk of this movie takes place at?!?! BINGO!
Our four pledges are locked in the house and have to spend the night there without attempting to leave. The four just kinda shrug their shoulders and split up. Seth and Denise go upstairs and start fucking while Jeff and Linda Blair don't. The head of the fraternity sneaks back with a geeky guy and some chick to play some pranks on the pledges which involves the Halloween mix tape you play on your front yard, dummies made up like dead guys, and fake masks. It's all really stupid.
And it's here that things SLOOOOWW the fuck down. Linda Blair and Jeff talk, A LOT, while Seth and Denise talk and fuck, A LOT, and the people outside sneak around, A LOT. Randomly, at the 27 minute mark, a whithered hand reaches up from the ground, killing the chick. The geeky guy 10 minutes later climbs up the roof and gets his neck broken.
Then there's this scene, which raises several questions. Denise gets up and starts messing around with stuff in the bedroom. At this point, we've seen everyone pretty much go to bed. Denise looks in the mirror and as one of the tricks, the head of the fraternity is wearing a mask to scare her and shows up in the mirror. Denise sees this and thinks nothing of it and goes back to bed.
1. What if she never woke up? Would this asshole just be standing there all night, going "come on, look in the mirror! COME ON!!!"
2. Who the hell sees a guy in a horrible mask and doesn't have some sort of reaction to it?
3. What country is she suppose to be from because at this point she forgot to put on her accent!
Things slightly speed up when the head of the fratnerity is chased around the house by the last deformed family kid until he finally dies. Seth wakes up to go to the bathroom when Denise is killed. Seth finds her body and freaks out and decides to high tail it out of there.
There's a long drawn out scene where he climbs over a fence but he makes it to the other side. He runs into town for help. Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are left on their own.
There is a pretty creepy scene where Jeff and Linda Blair are chillin' in a room and the camera doesn't focus on this but you see it happen. The rug in the middle of the room slowly starts rising up, taking the form of a man. The rug then starts slowly (I do mean slowly) heading towards them until Linda Blair is told by the director to look that way and scream.
So let's talk about Linda Blair's tits for a moment. Depending on the scene, she shows a lot of clevage or doesn't show anything at all. Like, when she's just talking or chillin' she's all covered up like so:
But when she's scared or screaming she's showing her clevage like so:
And it goes on like that. One scene, you almost see her nipples, it was crazy.
Seth makes it to the police station but because he's a damned kid, they don't believe him. He then breaks into a gun locker, steals a gun, and climbs out a window. Man, who knew stealing from the police was so easy? While Seth is in a stealing mood, he steals a car, tells the owner to call the police and send them to the house, and he takes off.
Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are running around the house when they find the deformed kids hiding place. And let me tell you this scene went on FOR FUCKING EVER!! I swear I fell asleep for five minutes, woke up and they were still walking around, looking.
The deformed kid shows up, attacks but doesn't cause any harm and they lock themselves in another room. Seth returns and when he gets to the house, the kid attacks and I swear the kid looks like a fucking werewolf. I thought that's what was happening but nope, it's not. Seth shoots the kid until he's dead. I went "YAY!!" cause now this boring movie can end.
But no. This movie wasn't annoying enough. It had to do something that didn't make any god damn sense. THERE'S ANOTHER DEFORMED KID!!! Where the FUCK did he come from?!?! The frat guy at the beginning clearly said all three kids were killed and one was left. Now, granted, maybe the kid fucked up his facts, but at least EXPLAIN when you show us the other kid. UGH!!
Anyway, the forgotten second kid attacks and kills Seth. He chases Jeff and Linda Blair around until they get to the roof. Jeff falls down and is killed. Linda Blair is left to act horribly by herself. By the way, the other kid? Totally looks and acts like Frankenstein. I fuckin' swear!
Linda Blair finds the key that opens the gate, opens it, and gets in the car and drives away when Frankenstein appears on the roof of the car. He punches through the window, which I guess distracts Linda Blair cause she forgets how to drive. Thankfully, she forgets how to drive right into the sharp gate that got destroyed in the process. So Frankenstein is dead and the movie simply ends.
Right, this was 1981, it wasn't a rule to have a twist ending in a horror movie yet. Anyway, this movie fuckin' sucked and was boring as hell. I was going to post this for my Thursday review but I think I need to do something a bit more mainstream for those guys. So this review can sit right here, where it belongs.
And the rating I'm giving it is only because of the creepy scene with the rug and, of course, Linda Blair's tits.