Tuesday, August 09, 2011

B-Movie Meatloaf: Dreamaniac


Since I joined this B-Movie Meatloaf thing over at StrictlySplatter.com, I learned a lot of things. I learned all about how The Asylum works. I learned that most direct-to-video sequels aren't always all bad. And this month, I learned about the sub-genre "shot on video horror". When this request came in, I said to myself "So...like The Blair Witch Project?" Turns out...not quite.

From what I gather on Wikipedia, they're movies specially made for VHS back in the day. It was pretty cheap to produce. And if this movie is any judge, I say they needed to save as much money as possible. Speaking of this movie, here's "Dreamaniac".

First off, I was hoping someone in the movie would say the title so I know how exactly it's said. I'm sure it's "dream maniac" but since the two words share on the one "m" it looks like "dream-aniac". I dunno, the title doesn't make much sense anyway so fuck it.

Ok so the movie starts off with-

No wait. I need to backtrack already. I can't just jump into the movie because the movie doesn't even jump into the movie. The opening credits, I'm not shitting you, last THREE AND A HALF MINUTE! I counted! It took 2 minutes to do all the fucking people IN the movie, then we get the directors credit finally and now the movie can start.

Ok so the movie starts off with naked man ass. Boy, that was worth the wait. A guy walks down a hallway naked into the bathroom where he finds a naked chick in a bathtub full of blood. They meet and start making out. But that's just a dream.

The guy wakes up and he looks like Justin Long's older pothead brother. He's Adam. He's...house sitting? I think? In a house. He's into heavy metal (this movie's version of heavy metal is the "METAL" button on the Casio) and I guess witch craft. I didn't get the witch craft thing until the end of the movie.

So Adam has a girlfriend named Pat. She comes over and they have sex. Wow a sex scene 5 minutes into the movie. What is this, "The Room"? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PAT! I guess she just came over for sex cause she immediately leaves. She does remind Adam about a party that's happening tomorrow night.

But on THIS night, he reads some weird passage out of a book and soon starts hearing noises in the attic. There, he finds the girl he dreamt about earlier and he freaks out. He thinks he's dreaming again, so he burns himself to wake himself up. Actually, I think the actor accidently burnt himself and the filmmakers just went with it.

The chick shows up in the room and proceeds to give Adam a blowjob. Wow. But things take a turn for the worse when she bites his dick off. I guess THIS ends up being a dream cause it goes to the next day and Pat and her sister Lori show up to set up for the party.

I have to point out this line of dialouge. It'll give you a great example on what this movie's like. So the sisters are talking and Pat wants to know why Lori is joining some sorority. Lori goes "The same reason why you got a tattoo of a taco". And then the scene ends.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A TATTOO OF A TACO?! You bought it up, movie!!

Anyway, Pat wakes Adam up, who isn't feeling that good. He doesn't want to have the party but I guess he's getting paid...to have the party? It wasn't explained very well. Slowly, the other people show up and if you imagine what a typical preppy person from the '80s looked like, that's who all showed up for this party.

I only got a few of their names. The biggest bitch was named Francis and she use to date Lori's boyfriend Brad. Francis makes sure to remind Lori of this fact every chance she gets. Then one random dude shows up with a chick...it's the chick from Adam's dream!! Adam freaks out and runs upstairs. Here, the chick calls herself Lily. I want to point out that Lily looks kinda like a '80s version of Kesha (Yeah, I didn't do the stupid $ thing). This place is about to blow indeed.

Lily finds Adam and tells him she's his now. Pat finds them together and gets pissed. Francis and Brad sneak off to have sex. Oh this is hilarious. They made it a point to show Brad getting completely naked in the bed. Then it cuts to them in bed, fucking, and you can see through the sheets Brad wearing these white briefs. Nice.

Ok, so now you're wondering what the fuck is going on and what the point of all this is? I was asking myself the same thing. We get our first kill at the 35 minute mark when a Valley Girl, like, TOTALLY, gets stabbed. Gross. They didn't show the killer, so I think they wanted us to think "OMG! Who could the killer be?! I'm sure it won't be Adam!" But only a SMART horror movie would that.

The next kill we see Lily doing it. And this scene was hilarious. She made a guy take all this clothes off besides his tightie whities and then started tying him up. But she had him hold the one end while tying him, so pretty much all he had to do was let go and the whole thing would fall apart. Whatever. She plugs something in and he's electrocuted. And this causes the power to go out.

Lori gets sick and runs to find a bathroom. She instead runs into Francis and Brad in bed. I said "DO IT!! DO IT!!!" and sure enough, she threw up all over them. YES!!! I'm fucking digging this movie, despite it being fucking terrible.

Ok, so a few people are getting killed. Lily finds Brad and proceeds to blow him. Adam walks in on this and just stands there. Lily bits Brad's dick off (I guess that's her "thing") and Pat walks in on this and freaks out. She figures out something is up with Adam and Lily and wants out.

There's a guy who I'm sure is gay and he's the comic relief. He ends up taking care of Lori while Pat runs around, trying to figure out what to do. Oh, then out of nowhere: FUCKING ZOMBIES! The tightie-whitie guy shows up and attacks Pat. Francis finds Adam and starts making out with him, but he slits her throat. Then SHE comes back to life. And Pat simply puts a pillow over her mouth. Uh, you can't suffocate a fucking zombie!

Now it's down to gay dude-oh wait he's now dead-ok it's down to Lori and Pat. The gay dude read two sentences in a book and before he died told Pat that Lily is a succubus aka a female demon that preys on men, mainly in their sleep. Ah, so that's what's going on. Thanks gay dude!

The only way to kill the succubus is to rip thier head off or stab them in the heart with a stake. Uh, they're not vampires. Whatever. So Pat and Lily attack Adam with...a steel drill? Ok sure. He then goes into acting overload as he runs around the house going "NO!! WHY?!?! AHHH!!!" *spit blood* "WHY?!?! AHHHH!!" *spit blood* Dude! Why you spitting so much blood?!

Anyway, Pat runs the drill through Adam's neck until it's removed from his body. Sure, why not? Now it's time for Lily. She's about to attack Lori when....some random dude who never introduces himself walks into the house, tells Lily to stop and apologize like she just peed on their rug, and simply leave.

....

.......

.............

FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?! FUCK!!! WHAT?!?!??!?!?!

OH! OH!! Check THIS SHIT OUT!!!!

EVERYTHING I just told you....WAS PART OF A NOVEL ADAM WAS WRITING!!!! I am NOT fucking with you! This was a novel! He finishes writing, calls....fucking somebody, and tells him "HEY! I'm done with my pulp novel!" NO!! That's not a pulp novel!! It's a horror novel!! You motherfucking asshole!! I hope some random chick shows up at your door and stabs you for no reason...oh wait, that DOES HAPPEN!!!

Ok. I want to like this movie. I like it despite it being motherfucking terrible. Then the ending hits. I mean I've seen some bad movies in my day, but this is the most lazy thing I ever seen. "UH...how can we end this movie?!" "I know, let's make her NOT a succubus, even though we have all that set up already!" "NO! Let's make the whole thing a NOVEL!!" "HEY!!! LET'S DO BOTH!!!!" "YEAH!!! Now pass the cocaine!!"

So how do I rate this? I'm gonna have to give it a middle grade. Here's my recommendation: watch this with a bunch of people and make fun of it. But do it during a movie night with 3 or 4 other movies. Have LOTS of booze available. And make this the 3rd or 4th movie. You need to be somewhat hammered to watch this movie otherwise "y'all" (Thanks NICK!) will murder each other. Awesome? AWESOME!

-Jason

1 comment:

Dr. Algernon Blacksteed said...

Pass the cocaine! I love it when people combine two words for no apparent reason. Dreamaniac! Fuck yeah! (btw, that is an awesome vhs box - do you own that?)