Tuesday, November 08, 2011
"Werewolf" came out in 1996, and the MST3K episode came out in 1998, which made this movie the NEWEST movie they've riffed. Some speculated that the filmmakers made the movie bad on purpose to be put on MST3K, which back in 1996 was around it's 7th season. Unless the director Tony Zarindast emails me telling me the truth, we may never know.
But (ir)regardless, "Werewolf". I swear the worse things to happen to movies is the direct to video market. It's like people don't even try anymore and say "Well, if this doesn't get a theatrical release, this can go direct to video. YAY!!" Because out of all the shitty werewolf films I've seen ("Twilight" included), this is probably the shittiest.
A group of...people? I refuse to call them archaeologists cause they just stand around, drink beer, and fight. So these people are in the desert digging around when they come across a skeleton that looks like a human with a wolf head. The local Indians think it's a werewolf and freak out. Joe Estevez is there to calm everybody down. And...
HOLY FUCK RICHARD LYNCH IS IN THIS MOVIE?!? I FORGOT RICHARD LYNCH IS IN THIS MOVIE!
Ok, I'm calm. So Richard Lynch takes the werewolf bones back to his office where he and a chick named Natalie try to figure out what it is exactly. There's a guy named Yuri who's fuckin' hysterical because every scene in this movie, he has different colored hair and even different hairstyles. I can't figure out what the hell that was about. Maybe he was bald and wanted to try out different wigs? I mean, what the fuck?
Anyway, Yuri takes the role of "I want to exploit this" the best I can. Meanwhile, some Indian who got attacked by the werewolf skeleton is now turning into a werewolf. When Yuri finds out and realizes the bones have essence of werewolf, he decides to turn people left and right into werewolves!
Then we meet Paul. He's a writer from New York who moved here to Arizona (I guess, they call the city Flagstaff) and he meets Natalie and instantly they fall in love. Paul meet his own hilarious character of Sam, the caretaker of the house Paul is renting. I have no idea how to describe Sam so here's a picture:
Anyway, Paul and Natalie have a small romance, so she takes him to show the werewolf bones, when Yuri is there. He uses the bones to attack Paul (so Yuri loves these bones but he uses them as weapons? The fuck?), which gives Paul a huge gash on his back.
Surprise surprise surprise! Paul is a werewolf! Yuri discovers this and wants to cage him, but Paul escapes and roams around Arizona and attacks random people. Natalie, when she's not hustling people at the pool tables, is out looking for were-Paul. Did I mention Natalie looks like this?
Ok so Yuri is looking for Paul, Paul kills Yuri, and because Paul had sex with Natalie, Natalie turns into a werewolf and the movie simply ends. And if you watch the MST3K episode, you get this awesomeness!
The movie sucks, plain and simple. I don't get what the fuck Yuri's problem was, between fighting everybody and having 200 different hairstyles. The acting is terrible. I'm sure the chick playing Natalie is a porn star. It's all very...weird. And Richard Lynch is sorely underused in this movie. Cause lord knows we need more Richard Lynch.