Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Boneyard

Whenever I watch a trailer for a movie that I want to see, I think to myself, "There's no way that could live up to my expectations." I saw the trailer for "The Boneyard" and wondered "Is this movie REALLY gonna be about a giant zombie dog?" To anyone who finds their way here, I will tell you the answer in a little bit.

First, we have to get through an hour of bullshit!

The first 20 minutes of this movie plays like an episode of "Law and Order". I kept waiting for Jerry Orbach to come out with Christopher Meloni and Ice-T. Actually, that's all I know about "Law and Order" what happens on that show exactly?

Anyway, we meet two cops, one of them is named Jersey. He looks like the love child of Martin Balsam and Hoss from "Ponderosa". The cops are at the house of what looks like a horder. Jersey finds a way in the house and ever so fucking slow make their way upstairs. There, Jersey's partner (I forget his name. Mark? Junior?) is greeted by a GIANT PILLOW MONSTER! RAWR!!!

Ok, not really. Underneath all the pillows and blankets is Alley. I had NO IDEA Alley was going to be our main character because, and I'm just being honest here, she looks like a member of G.L.O.W. And normally, women from G.L.O.W aren't the main characters in many movies.

One thing this movie gets wrong (out of many things) is character development. For this first 20 minutes, I had no fucking clue who Alley was or why these cops were bugging her. From what I gathered after the movie ended, she's some lady who got into witchcraft when she fucked a Canadian, got cancer, and survived. Now, she has some weird psychic powers that can teleport her or something.

So I guess Jersey needs her help in a case but she says "NO! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I GOTTA OIL UP FOR MY NEXT MATCH!" so the cops leave. Alley pulls out a scrapbook and has a flashback? Maybe? About a burnt kid. This causes her to change her mind on helping the cops.

What do the cops need help with? Fuck if I know. I know it involves some dude named Chin and three dead kids. I THINK Chin did some voodoo stuff to the kids, which caused the kids to die under mysterious circumstances but this movie doesn't explain shit.

Ok so the cops and Alley need to go the morgue to look at the body. I guess the only time they can do this is at night and they get to meet the nighttime caretaker. And it's here this movie finally makes watching it worthwhile. The caretaker is played by Phyllis Diller. And her character name is Poopenplotz. I swear. And she has a killer guard dog who's a poodle. Why Poopenplotz couldn't be the main character is beyond me but whatever.

So after 10 minutes of Poopenplotz not allowing Alley in the room with the bodies, and a mishap with a delivery of another dead body of a young chick who killed herself, we meet Mr. Roper, who plays an aging hippie. I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you seen Mr. Roper try to play an aging hippie. He went full tilt with this too. He had a cheesy mustache, small dark glasses, AND a pony tail.

Anyway, it turns out the young chick isn't dead and Alley psychically teleports to the morgue to see zombies about to attack. She disappears and reappears in the same room as Poopenplotz. Poopenplotz (I love typing that) won't allow Alley to go downstairs, so Alley steals the keys and run.

Remember I said it looked like Alley was a member of G.L.O.W? Well, that means she can't run fast. At all. But she's able to outrun Poopenplotz and her killer poodle. She makes it to the morgue and finds a bunch of carnage and three tiny zombies. The zombies chase her, Alley runs into the cops, Mr. Hippie Roper, and the not-dead chick.

The rest of the movie is them hiding from the zombies and trying to escape. It's basically a horror version of "Die Hard". Before it gets too slow, a zombie spits into Poopenplotz's mouth and she turns into a GIANT ZOMBIE! Holy fuck!

Giant Poopenplotz goes on a rampage, kills Hippie Roper in a scene I didn't see (I watched this movie with a few friends and they had to tell me this. That's how uninterested I was during this movie), and isn't stopped until...fuck something happened. I think she blew up. Let's go with that.

But guess who eats some zombie goo? The dog. Yes, we get a giant zombie poodle dog. Sadly, we're near the end of the movie. Everybody manages to find a way outside but Alley, because she looks like a wrestler from G.L.O.W, gets stuck in a small gap. Awww!

Alley manages to escape, finds a "disarmed" pipe bomb that isn't disarmed, and blows up the giant zombie dog. And the movie simply ends. Alrighty.

So NOTHING is totally explained. Where exactly did Alley get her powers? What the fuck was going on with the tiny zombie kids? What did Chin do? The fuck, man? This movie was a big letdown. At least I didn't do a whole post about how awesome this movie looked. I really learned my lesson this time around. And so you can see what I'm talking about, I present to you, the trailer:


1 comment:

oh pitseleh said...

Your review is spot on. Mr Roper's earring was also quite entertaining.