The Lair of the Unwanted #47: Rockula Me Amadeus

Edit: Podomatic is being a dick right now. Here's the direct link to the page.

ATTENTION ALL LISTENERS!! THERE IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN THIS EPISODE THAT YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO!!! LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IMMEDIATELY!

Now that I got that out, in this episode we are joined by Nick Jobe of Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob as he, along with me and Nolahn, make a SHOCKING announcement! Then we discuss the cheesy film "Rockula" and Nick takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris

Here we are, folks. The final review ever at Invasion of the B-Movies. It's been an amazing seven years but all things must come to an end I suppose. I know there was a lot of debate on what my final review was going to be. I almost went with "High School Musical 3" but then I remembered something. Something from my past.

Way back in 2006, just shy of the one-year anniversary of the site, I asked all my friends to suggest movies I should review. I got some good ones, I got some lame shit like "BILLY MADISON"! and then I got THE request to end all requests. And it came from my friend and former Mass Invader April. She said ten words that will forever change our relationship for the next 6 and a half years.

"Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris!"

I said "Hm. That's an interesting title. I WILL DO IT!"

One request from Netflix later and the disc arrived at my house. I watched about 30 minutes of it and did something I hardly ever do: turned it off. I couldn't watch anymore. I came online and said as much to April, who basically called me a pussy. Since then, ANYTIME I ask for suggestions she would throw this movie back at me. So then I believe one day I said to her "I tell you what. If I ever stop doing Invasion of the B Movies, 'Jacques Brel' will be my final review ever. Then I will kill myself."

Here we are: the final review. And true to my word "Jacques Brel" it is. Sorry, horror movie fans. I guess we'll just have to see what Human Centipede 3 is like later. But for now, let's dive into this amazing shit-fest, shall we?

First off: who the fuck is Jacques Brel? Good question. He was a singer/songwriter who, much like Jerry Lewis, made it big in France because why not? This film I'm going to attempt to talk about is sort of a visual interpretation of his songs. Got it? Now take all that and forget it cause it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

Maybe the movie takes place in Paris, it's never really said. You know what? I know it's my last review but I don't think I can do this movie justice. Let's just rip off Wikipedia and see what it says about it.

"Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well and Living in Paris is an American musical revue of the songs of Jacques Brel. It was filmed in 1975."

...

Well fuck.

ALRIGHT! For the final time ever, here's my Dash Style! Here we go!

-Film starts off with some street hippies, lead by a guy who looks like Barry Gibb, attacking a cab and then a guy waiting for a date.
-It starts raining and a girl with nice tits gets her shirt wet so we see those.
-The hippies go into a theater where we meet three reoccuring characters: A Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. They are watching a marionette play that's happening in front of a movie screen while World War II footage plays.
-The marionettes resemble the Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. After the play, it turns into "The Langoliers" and the entire audience but our main three characters vanish.
-All three roam around the theater and find themselves locked in and the puppeteer is dead.
-There's a giant hand hanging overhead and it falls. This symbolizes something I'm sure.
-Eventually they manage to get outside where the loudest tornado siren starts blasting, and I live in Indiana. The Army Guy kung fu's the siren until it explodes.
-Then it jumps to The Lady singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to a statue singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to the Cab Driver singing a sad song.

Ok, there's a lot of sad songs, mixed in with songs that represent things from Jesus to being in the army to the death of a little girl. That's all this entire movie is, just songs. There's no plot to this movie whatsoever. I have said in the past that movies haven't had a plot but this, FUCKING THIS, has ZERO plot! There's just people and singing. And some cute girls. Oh and Jacques Brel singing in French. Wonderful.

The only accomplishment I have with this movie is that I finished it. I actually watched THE ENTIRE thing. This movie...fuck man. This is a tough movie to get through. I GUESS you need to be a fan of Jacques Brel to like this movie but...I consider myself a fan of The Beatles and I BARELY got through "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". AND I had two friends watch and review that with me. So that's probably going to be tough.

I gotta say, I picked a doozy of a film to end this website on. But I had to and now...that's it. I have nothing else to say about this movie. It sucks. SUCKS! JUST FUCKING SUCKS! UGGGHH!!!!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE!! FUCK THIS MOVIE SO HARD THAT I HOPE THE WORLD JUST FUCKING EXPLODES AS A RESULT OF THIS MOVIE BEING FUCKED SO HARD!!!! I have never heard a Jacques Brel song before and I hope I never do! IF I EVER hear one, I will probably burst into flame and kill any motherfuckers that are in my path!! FUCK THIS MOVIE

FUCK THIS MOVIE!

FUCK!!! THIS!!! MOVIE!!!!!!!!



So anyway, thanks everybody for spending seven years reading all my crap. It's a bit sad this is the end but hey, what ya gonna do, huh? To tie everything together, here's a pretty sad song originally sung by Jacques Brel but I think it fits well in this situation.




Until we meet again!
-Jason Soto

Ice Cream Man

Ah..."Ice Cream Man". This is one of those movies that's nostalgic for me. Let me set the scene. It's summer 1997. I decide to spend the night at my friend Bill's house and as per usual, we rent a bunch of crappy horror movies at the video that was was literally a block away from his house. One of those movies was "Ice Cream Man".

Ever since I seen this movie, I wanted to present it to the world. I did what's probably the geekiest thing ever by doing my own version of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and sold copies of that. I wanted to do "Ice Cream Man" on my version but never got around to it. Then I created Invasion of the B Movies and always had this movie in the back of my head to review some day. Now that we're in the home stretch of me closing up the site, I figured it was about time I got around to it.

And boy...is this movie a doozy.

First off, let's talk about the cast! It features the following people and I'm not making any of this up:
Clint Howard
David Naughton
Olivia Hussey
Jan Michael Vincent
Lee Majors 2 cause they needed a sequel apparently
David Warner
And motherfucking Doug Llewelyn!! I'm not fucking joking!

My brain can't handle this cast, man!

Anyway, the film starts in the '50s before color was invented (cause the scene is in black and white) and an ice cream man is making a stop outside a house when some laughable stereotypical gangsters show up and shoot him down. It's never explained why this happened so don't look at me for the answer. Anyway, a kid shows up, kinda unfazed by this and simply asks "Who's gonna deliver the ice cream now?"

Flash forward to, I guess, present day and that kid grew up to be Clint Howard. Clint, playing Gregory, is clearly not right in the head. He freaks out all the kids in line waiting for ice cream, and there's rats and roaches crawling around all over the ice cream. Eh, it's nothing I haven't seen before from working at McDonald's for ten years.

Anyway.

We meet our main group of kids cause you know this movie is gonna focus on a main group of kids. There's Johnny the typical bland kid with the bland name, Heather the only girl in the group, Tuna the "fat" kid, and Small Paul, a small kid.

I wanna talk about Tuna for a minute. The kid they hired to play him was clearly not fat but his character needed to be fat for a number of reasons that really didn't amount to anything out of some lame fat jokes. So their solution was to have the kid wear OBVIOUS PADDING UNDER HIS CLOTHES! But didn't do anything to his face, arms, or legs. Cause only fat people get fat in the stomach. Right...

Anyway, Johnny is left alone in the park and Gregory shows up, acting creepy towards Johnny. Next thing you know, it's discovered he's gone missing! LE GASP! And inside Gregory's freezer is blood! AND AN EYEBALL! Oh and Gregory puts an eyeball in one of the cops ice cream and the cop doesn't seem to notice! Eww!

Anyway, turns out Johnny isn't really dead. He just saw Gregory killing a random dude at the park and he got scared and hid out for 24 hours. Meanwhile we dive into the life of the other kids. David Warner is a priest who does weird hypnotism to Heather's mom (Never explained). David Naughton is Tuna's dad who is cheating on Tuna's mom with the town slut. I sense a bad moon rising here, let me tell you. Jan Michael Vincent and Lee Majors 2: Lee Majors Harder are the cops and Olivia Hussey is Gregory's crazy nurse. And despite this, she's still hot! Explain that!

So because this movie is told from the kids point of view, the kids know that Gregory is a crazy killer but none of the adults either notice or believe them. There's a hilarious scene where Tuna is running from Gregory in a grocery store, so he simply hides underneath tables and one point he hides underneath a cart. That would be fine if the cart was covered but it was open and EVERYBODY COULD SEE HIM UNDERNEATH THE CART! Including the lady pushing the cart! Why she didn't just stop and say "Uh...what are you doing fake fat kid?"

Anyway, the cops eventually believe Tuna because the script calls for it and they immediately get a warrant and go searching...his warehouse where he makes the ice cream! And this was a funny scene was it was literally just cops running around, knocking things over for no real reason and then shrugging their shoulders going "Eh, nothing here. Let's go!"

But Gregory apparently seen "Bad Ronald" and knows how to hide kids! Cause he has kidnapped Paul Wall!!

Er no. Small Paul. Apparently because Small Paul reminds Gregory of himself as a kid. Uh oh!

With Small Paul missing, the rest of the kids, who call themselves Rocketeers, decide to do something about this and rescue him! This involves following him and taking pictures of all the blood inside his truck. THE TRUCK! Why didn't cops check inside the truck?! Whatever.

Apparently the camera they used to take the pictures belongs to Johnny's older brother, who took some sex photos of him and his big nosed girlfriend. Nothing ever came of either sets of pictures. Then we get the weirdest scene and for this movie that's saying something.

The two cops decide to check out Gregory's past and find out he use to stay at an asylum called Wishing Well. The cops go there and try to talk to the doctor but he's distracted by a patient...then it's revealed that the doctor is really a patient...and all the crazy people have killed all the doctors! So the cops slowly, and I do mean slowly, walk out of the building. There wasn't even the feeling of them being threatened, they just kinda roamed around and at one point separated for some reason, then escaped. Alrighty then.

Things ramp up a bit when Gregory starts going crazy and kills pretty much everybody that insults him somehow. He kills David Naughton for calling his truck a hunk of junk, then he kills the slutty chick for...being slutty? I guess? But then we get this wonderful image:

I love this movie. As much crap as it gives to me, I love it. I guess this is like an abusive relationship. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT BEATS ME!!!

The kids have had enough and decide it's time to fight back! Gregory accepts this challenge and manages to grab Tuna while riding his bike and lock him in a freezer. Johnny and Heather follow him back to the warehouse where they are chased by Gregory. Eventually, Small Paul has had enough of playing Bad Ronald and remembers something in saw in a "Friday the 13th" film and uses a picture of the old dead Ice Cream Guy from the '50s to lure Gregory away from the kids and into a giant mixer, where he's chopped up into a million pieces. Yum.

Later, when it's fall, Tuna lost weight (AKA the kid took off the padding) and reveals that Paul is now in therapy, where surely he's gonna be the NEXT Ice Cream Man!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

This movie sounds terrible and yes it is fucking terrible but it's oh so much fun at the same time. It's fun to see Clint Howard in a lead role, even if it's a creepy serial killer with a gravelly voice. All the random B-Z list celebrities in this movie is a hoot, and it's just some good dumb fun. And it's pretty safe for kids, honestly. There's SOME blood but if you know kids who are into gory shit, this is probably the film for him. And you ALMOST see boobies so there ya go. Perfect movie for kids.



-Jason

The Answers For The Final Contest Ever!

Alright everybody! The final contest is now over with! Before I reveal who won, let's get to the part you really care about: the answers! I gotta admit, I was shocked that nobody got the beauty behind me placing the 13th image where I did. But anyway here we go:

 1.

The Cabin in The Woods

2.

Jennifer's Body

3.

An American Werewolf In London

4.

Fido

5.

Leprechaun

6.

Undead

7.

Mardi Gras Massacre

8.

Feast

9.

The People Under The Stairs

10.

Shark Attack 3: Megaladon

11.

Frankenhooker

12.

The Shining

13.

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

14.

Return of the Living Dead

15.

Ax'Em

I had a pretty decent turn out for this and I'd like to thank everybody for doing so! Starting from the bottom up:

Dylan and Bubbawheat-4

The Great White Dope, Sean, and Nolahn-7

The Vern-8

Kai-9

And the winner with 11 is...

MR. NICHOLAS JOBE!! Congratulations!! I will contact you soon about your prize and whatnot!! 

Thanks again for everybody who played, this was kinda fun!

-Jason

Silent Night

I found out through some friends of mine that there was a remake of one of my favorite horror films "Silent Night Deadly Night". I wasn't even aware such a thing happened so I immediately seeked it out to see for myself what that would be like. And let me just say this: this is as much of a remake of "Silent Night Deadly Night" as the 2004 version of "Dawn of the Dead" is a remake of the 1978 version. Both take place in a mall but that's about where the simularities end.

Same for here. Both movies is about a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing naughty people and that's about it. Gone is the whole parents getting killed by a rapist Santa, gone is the evil bitch of a nun, gone is the whole montage of our main character working in a toy store.

So what DO we get?

The film opens up with our Killer Klaus putting his suit on, along with a creepy Santa mask. Nearby he's got a chick tied up and a dude tied up with Christmas lights in the basement. Klaus goes into the basement and electrocutes the dude.

Then we meet Aubrey, a deputy in this small town in Wisconsin. Aubrey is dealing with the death of her husband (not related to the plot) and wants the day off. But I guess the guy we saw get electrocuted was another deputy who was suppose to work for her so he's not coming in. Sheriff Malcolm McDowell is a royal dick in this movie and makes Aubrey work.

Aubrey is getting ready for work by doing a crossword puzzle and she can't figure out a 9 letter word for a six-sided object. Hmmm....surely this is going to important later on in the movie because she brings it up THREE OTHER TIMES! OOH!! Maybe whatever the answer is it'll be used as a weapon to kill Killer Klaus! I can't wait!!

Anyway, Aubrey goes into work and soon starts getting calls about a disturbing Santa! But it's not our Killer Klaus! This disturbed Santa is played by Donal Logue! And he seems to hate Christmas! And he tells all the kids just as much! So Santa Donal meets with Aubrey, who isn't very impressed with him and he doesn't give a fuck!

Meanwhile we meet a shit ton of people who you know are going to get killed like a slutty chick named Tiffany, the pervist priest I've ever seen, and oh my fucking god the MOST over the top bratty kid I've ever seen in any movie ever. She knocks heart pills out of her mother's hands and goes "YOU FUCKING BITCH TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING MALL RIGHT NOW!!" And this girl is suppose to be like 10 or something. Holy fuck this girl was awesome! Too bad Killer Klaus shows up and cattle prods the fuck out of her.

The best kill is probably the porn shoot. A guy is taking pics of a naked chick and Killer Klaus shows up, killing the photographer and his assistant. The naked chick manages to escape and is running around outside, topless. Ugh, naked in Wisconsin on Christmas Eve. Surprised her nipples didn't manage to bust through a door or something.

Anyway, the naked chick is running around when she comes across a woodchipper. Now, I'm sure you've seen "Fargo" so you can imagine where this goes but this scene is really brutal and kinda fucking awesome at the same time, I won't lie. You need to see this movie JUST for the woodchipper scene.

All the calls about all the murders are coming into the police station. Aubrey finds the first victims in a house and gets Sheriff Malcolm McDowell involved and like I said earlier, he acts like a royal dickhead the entire time. They eventually figure out that a guy dressed like Santa is doing all the killings. What cliches this theory is when they find the videotape from the porn shoot and see him.

Problem? The town is overrun by Santa's because of a Santa Contest happening later that night! UH OH!

So back to that 9 letter word for six sided object? You know what it ends up being? SNOWFLAKE! So...yeah that was anti-climatic.

Sheriff McDowell thinks it's Santa Donal and arrests him. And this was a great scene cause Donal just went off and gave a two minute monologue about why Christmas sucks. It was great. So eventually, Aubrey figures out that they got the wrong guy and that the real Killer Klaus is after her dad!!!

Wait, what?

It's explained later but pretty much our current Killer Klaus had a father who went nuts on Christmas Eve and Aubrey's dad killed him, so now our current Killer Klaus wants revenge. But before that, we get a couple of tributes to the original film when some punk rocker visits his catatonic grandfather in a hospital and the grandfather tells him to watch out for Santa Claus! Then the slutty chick Tiffany is about to give a blow job to the punk rocker when our Killer shows up and kills her in the same fashion as Linnea Quigley in the original. Aw but Linnea Quigley was nice enough to show her tits!

The Killer Klaus also kills the pervy priest, right in front of an old lady. And for some reason he kills the Mayor, even though he didn't do anything wrong. So now that half the town is dead, it's time for the showdown of the century! Aubrey vs Killer Klaus!!

Killer Klaus kills Sheriff McDowell and Santa Donal and squares off agains Aubrey, who is pissed that Killer Klaus killed her father. They fight for a bit until she grabs his flame thrower and lights the fucker on fire!! OOH!!! But this doesn't kill him, just maims him. And that's it. The end!

Like I said, this isn't really a remake of the original. It's just a movie about a killer Santa with two scenes similar to the original and a tribute to the second film (What is this, garbage day?) and I think the movie could've been a bit more campy and humorous considering the source material. But if you ignore all of that and take it at face value, it's a very entertaining film and probably one of the best horror movies out there lately. If only ALL remakes were like this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!



-Jason

2012

So today is the day the world is suppose to end. I don't know if I should bother writing this review since no one will be able to read it. I could print it out and then arrange a time at a public place to read this review. Let's say...top of the Sears Tower at 2 PM Central Time! Deal? Deal!

HELLO FELLOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED THE END OF THE WORLD WITH ME! How's it hanging? You get here ok? I bet you WISH you had Apple Maps now, huh? Anyway, we are gathered here today at my new living quarters, which I will rename The Soto Tower to hear one of the last few reviews I will ever write! This, my servants friends, is the review of the documentary "2012" and how the world has ended.

This documentary stars a man named John Cusack, who is indeed a popular man. He has time traveled, been a emo poet, and owned a record shop, just to name a few of his previous journeys. And apparently his contract states he must get soaking wet in EVERY movie he ever does. Before meeting John, we meet some scientist guys all the way in 2009 who discovered the Earth's crust is starting to melt away into nothingness. One of the scientists, Adrian, realizes they have three years to do something about that.

Adrian tells Oliver Platt about this and Oliver Platt suddenly sees dollar signs and decides to design what he calls "arks" and charge $1 billion (in Euros for some weird reason....why the fuck in Euros? I never understood this...) to reserve a spot in this "ark". Meanwhile some Chinese people are selected to build the ark.

Now, my friends, we are in present day, 2012. In fact, if I remember correct, at this point in the film it was just a few days ago and we meet John Cusack, who apparently was also a failed writer. He now drives limos, is divorced because he thought it was a good idea to marry Amanda Peet (has he not seen the classic documentary "Saving Silverman"? If he did, he would learn how big of a bitch she is), and he is late to picking up his two kids.

The two kids have grown more attached to their new step-father Gordon because...he's not a failed writer? Because he's a plastic surgeon? Yeah, that's a positive role model.

"My dad writes books that makes people think and question their morality and gives them positive attitudes? Fuck that! THIS GUY GIVES FAKE BOOBIES TO SLUTS!!!! WOO!!!!"

Anyway, John Cusack picks up his kids and they drive to Yellowstone National Park to meet Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, and Woody Harrelson. Woody, who smoked too much hemp, loves pickles and talks on a Ham Radio about the end of the world. John listened to this and laughed it off...until he discovered a lake has dried up and a bunch of military guys have taken it over.

Adrian is leading these military guys and he happens to be a HUGE fan of John Cusack! After signing autographs on DVD's of "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer", Adrian lets him leave. After this encounter, John decides to listen to what Woody has to say about the world ending. Since we here have survived what happened, I won't go into extreme-

Oh, you're not sure what happened? Ok, I'll explain quickly. Then get back to carving my throne out of this gold I got from Fort Knox.

So there was this enlignment of all the planets that happens every 64,000 years and this enlignment, along with other stuff that I'm too tired to remember right now will cause the Earth to freak out and cause total destruction. That's why I chose The Soto Tower to live and have this meeting because it's the only place NOT covered in lava.

Anyway, John laughed this off and went back home with his kids. Meanwhile the Earth was like "Laugh at me, huh?! I'll make Amanda Peet jiggle!" And lo' it did. The kids are back home and John is late picking up some rich Russians. The government got word that the end of the world is happening NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW and placed the call for all people who bought their way onto arks to start boarding. This includes this Russian family.

Some other things to mention: Danny Glover is president and Thandie Newton is his daughter. And you know Thandie and Adrian are gonna hook up at some point. Even if he is the last man on Earth. BOOM! Nailed it.

(At this point, all my followers should be laughing at this obviously hilarious joke.)

John finds out the Russians are heading to the ark and remembering what Woody said earlier, he realizes maybe it wasn't the hemp talking. Soon, a giant Earthquake hits California and John moves into action! He drives a limo like it's a fucking souped up sports cars to Amanda Peet's house, picks up his family and Gordon, and does a "Vanishing Point" to the airport, where a plane is waiting.

The pilot John hired died in the Earthquake so he makes Gordon fly cause breast implants is sort of the same like flying if you squint your eyes and think about it. And despite Gordon saying he only flew once, he flies like he played a flight simulator on a hand held gaming device and there are MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!

Anyway, they fly to Yellowstone, which apparently has an airfield, and John finds Woody, totally high off his ass. The Earthquake hits Yellowstone, John finds a map where all the arks are being built and after a twenty minute action sequence where John JUMPS A FUCKING RV LIKE A SOUPED UP RACE CAR OVER A FUCKING CANYON, they fly away.

Where do they fly? VEGAS BABY!!

There, they meet up with the Russians who agree to take John and his family if they let Gordon co-pilot this plane the Russians have. Where are they going? CHINA BABY!!

Meanwhile Oliver Platt acts like a douche but at the same time you kinda see his point in things. The movie tries WAY to hard to make him a villain by insisting all the people chosen for the ark are smart good looking people....who just happen to be rich.

Ok, let's be real for a minute. Who do you think the government picked to save when the end of the world happened earlier today? The smart good looking people...who happen to be rich. That's why we're all here. For every rich nation there has to be the lower class citizens. I mean look at history. Just look at it. Why should the end of the world be any different than all of history?

Plus, Oliver Platt mentioned that the money given to them to buy a way onto the ark was used...to build the ark! That makes sense!! If someone told me "hey Jason there's going to be NICE house you can live in...but you have to give me a million dollars so we can build it for you" I would be like "Here's an extra million I looted from the bank earlier today. BUILD IT SLAVE!!"

What are you waiting for? I mean....

On this Russian plane is a bunch of 2013 cars that the Russian had made only for him. Show off. I now OWN the tallest building in Chicago....or what USE to be the tallest building...in what use to be Chicago...Anyway.

There's several touching moments where John wants to get back with Amanda Peet and try to win his kids love back but until John puts silicone into Kim Kardashian's boobs, they'll just stick their middle fingers at him.

Update: President Danny Glover died while saving regular people. Adrian, Thandie Newton, and Oliver Platt are now arriving at the arks. Adrian is pissed off that there's no "regular" people on this ark and he hates his room. Whatever, dude. I have a whole tower.

Now I know how Nick Jobe feels.

The Russians fly to China but their engines shut down because why not? They crash land but during a weird sequence involving one of the cars everyone but the Russian pilot survives. This grabs the attention of some Chinese military who only take the Russian dude and his kids. He leaves behind his Russian skank because she cheated on him with the pilot.

Anyone here Russian? I could go for a Russian skank right now? No? Hm.

Anyway, the rest roam around China for a bit until they come across a Tibetan monk and his grandparents. Apparently the monk's brother helped build the arks and they're gonna sneak on. John and Amanda begs them to tag along, then begs the brother to let them on. Of course they get on the ark, it's John Cusack and Amanda Peet! AND A PLASTIC SURGEON!! OMG!!!

This movie was already 89 million hours long and they just extended the running time by inventing a problem to drag out the last 20 minutes. While sneaking on the ark, the monk's brother causes something to fall into a gear, which jams a door, which causes the ark's engine not to turn on. Adrian gives his own version of the "THIS IS OUR...INDEPENDENCE DAY!" speech and convinces the other arks to let regular people on the arks ALONG with the rich good looking smart people.

Oh shit..we totally could've been on those boats. FUCK!

Oh well, Soto Tower it is!

So the door won't close, water is rushing in, and of course it's up to John Cusack to save the day. They manage to fix the jam and save what's left of humanity. A month later, they're able to walk outside for the first time and find out the only country that survived this whole thing? Africa. I...don't know what this means. I'm sure it's suppose to be symbolic or something. OH! And the Russian family re-introduce Communism by telling the other kids "what's ours is yours too!" I know this COULD be called "sharing" but....c'mon! That's too much of a coincidence, don't ya think?!

Anyway, the world is fucked and this long ass movie finally comes to a closed. I know people seem to give Roland Emmerich shit for making these kind of movies but you have to admit, they are dumb fun. I don't watch these movies to think or look for Oscar worthy performances. I KNOW the London Olympics don't happen in December but just shut up, ok?! I just want to be entertained for awhile. Is that so wrong? Sure, this movie is LOADED with problems and is pretty stupid. But it's a fun ride and it's great to look at.

So anyway, now that the world has ended and I am now your new king, what say you all make me dinner? I'm hungry for...pizza! Give me the finest pizza! CHOP CHOP!!



-King Jason Soto,
New Ruler of The World

Captain Ron

I know, a comedy? Why? And why "Captain Ron" of all things? I'll tell you.

As much as I love bad movies and horror movies, I LOVE comedies. There's only a small handful of comedies that I don't like, one of which is "Corky Romano". "Captain Ron" falls in that category of "it's a lame comedy that people make fun of other people for watching." Like "Oh you love stupid movies, you MUST love 'Captain Ron', don't you?"

Oddly enough, this was my first time watching it. I have no idea how I haven't seen this before mainly because this is the type of movie my mother would eat up. Well, she probably rented it when I was a kid and thought it was too "dirty" for me. This coming from the same woman that introduced me to "Die Hard" at the age of 9 but whatever.

I always seem to have to defend my love of comedies because the comedies that I love, EVERYONE seems to hate. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff like "Airplane!" and the "Vacation" movies and I LOVE "Anchorman" but I also love stuff like "BASEketball" "Hot Rod", and "Billy Madison". Which brings us to "Captain Ron".

Kurt Russell seems to have the uncanny ability to be a badass simultaneously as being funny. He's awesome in "Overboard" and you have to admit he's both funny AND a badass in "Big Trouble in Little China" so I didn't think we would have a problem here. And Martin Short is also in this movie, who I can either take or leave. He's funny in "Innerspace" and of course "Three Amigos" and...oh god that's it. I find his Jiminy Glick character annoying as fuck and he was in "Clifford" and...oh man.

Oddly enough, in "Captain Ron" he's kind of subdued. He's not his overly hyperactive self. He's more like a toned down Jerry Lewis going "Oh jeez I don't know about that! Oh boy! Let's have an adventure! Captain Ron!"

Ok onto the movie. Martin Short is...Martin. Wow. Ok then. Martin works some job that we never really get much detail on outside of the fact it's in downtown Chicago, it's in a tall building, and the windows in these buildings seem to just fall down onto the streets randomly. Cause you know they wouldn't know how to make giant buildings in Chicago. PFFT!

Anyway, Martin goes through a painfully unfunny bit where he gets on an elevator and has a lady sneeze in his coffee for 20 minutes before getting word that a Great Uncle of his died and left him his nice luxury boat that once belonged to Clark Gable called The Wanderer.

Martin gets excited and rushes home, pretty much in the middle of the day but by the time he gets home it's late afternoon when he would normally be arriving? The timing made no sense. Anyway, Martin finds out the boat is worth close to a million dollars and he plans on selling it but before he does he wants to ride on it one last time.

He brings this up to his wife who OF COURSE hates the idea because WOMEN, huh?! (NOTE TO SELF: Don't tell Joanna to NOT read this review.) And the wife has a valid point because neither of them knows how to steer a boat and they have two kids, one aged 10 and one aged 16. The sixteen-year-old Caroline just got engaged to a punk rocker because OH BOY PARENTS WORST NIGHTMARE! And the 10-year-old is your typical trouble maker.

They only go on this trip because of the daughter's engagement. If it wasn't for that little plot point that literally goes NOWHERE, none of this would've happened. Fuck it, bring the boat to Chicago. I've seen weirder things parked in backyards in the suburbs of Chicago.

They fly down to one random Caribbean island to retrieve the boat and find that it's not in the greatest condition. Boy, talk about a JUNK!!! (Sorry, it's this movie you see...) But they need someone to steer to boat...hmm...

ENTER CAPTAIN RON! He's pretty much Snake Plissken without the charm. Meaning he has an eye patch, a don't give a fuck attitude, and probably hasn't showered in months. He rambles some stuff to Martin about how to run the beat up engine and how to operate the boat before leaving the island.

Then the hijinks ensue as Captain Ron drinks, swears, messes up, and steers the boat to wrong islands. My main issue with the movie is the lack of set up. It's like the movie is anxious to get to it's punchline they don't set it up. Like we know Captain Ron is a fuck up but he's still kinda lovable. So naturally two things SHOULD happen: 1. everybody BUT Martin hates him, while Martin thinks he's a great guy and wants to give him a chance.
2. everybody BUT Martin LOVES him, while Martin suspects Ron is faking everything and wants to bang the wife and daughter.

The movie goes with option two but it happens so fast you don't realize it's happening. One scene Martin is like "I like Captain Ron" and the next scene he's like "I WANT HIM OFF THIS BOAT!!!" and that's it. Almost all the jokes in this movie are like that.

For instance, they arrive on some island (called Ted's) and while eating, Martin decides to head back to the boat. Ron tells him to watch out for gorillas. Martin goes "THERE ARE NO GORILLAS HERE!!" and takes off. Before you can say "oh he meant GUERRILLAS" Martin is face to face with a gun. Normally, this would play out for some laughs as he tries to talk his way out of it but jump cut next scene Martin tells us that Ron talked themselves out of it. Oh and they must give the guerrillas a ride. LAUGH DAMMIT!

This movie has so many wasted opportunities like the fact the daughter seems to be a giant slut, hitting on every guy on every island that you'd think eventually she'd hit on the wrong guy and trouble would ensue. Nope, she's just a slut. End of story. And there's a part where they end up in Puerto Rico with the guerrillas and the island EXILES THE AMERICANS for bringing them here. Do I need to explain that going to Puerto Rico is like going to anywhere else in America and you can't just get exiled. Maybe arrested and whatnot yes but not kicked out of the country.

Eventually, Ron pisses off some actual pirates of the Caribbean and they steal The Wanderer, leaving the family on a raft floating to Cuba. Oh boy, here comes the Cuban jokes. AND this was the late '80s, early '90s so yeah. Anyway, of course Ron comes to the rescue to redeem himself, they get the boat looking pretty, Ron parts ways with the family who is now stronger than ever, and they decide to keep the boat. See? It'd look lovely going down Michigan Ave!

I really hate to say this but I didn't laugh once during this movie. I didn't do anything really. I just watched it, went "Oh that happened", and waited for the next thing to happen. I didn't HATE the movie, but the worst crime a comedy can commit is not being funny and when you have Kurt Russell being a sleazeball and Martin Short being overly anxious, there should be some comedy but none was to be found.

If I had a lame bucket list of movies, I would probably be shaking my head as I crossed this movie off. And crying. definitely crying.



-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #46: Needs More Salt

Due to a damaged disc, Jason and Nolahn ended up reviewing the 1988 film "Slugs: The Movie" based on "Slugs: The Novel" but not to be confused with "Slugs: The Animated Series". Prior to the review, they come clean about the worst dates they've been on and go through tons of listener feedback!

The Final Contest Ever!!!

In a mere 20 days or so, I will be closing up shop here forever. I hate to keep reminding you of that, but it's the truth. That's just how I roll. Or something. Anyway, I thought this would be a perfect time for me to have one final contest, a pretty easy one (for me anyway). Everyone seem to LOVE screen capture games (Courtney over at Big Thoughts from a Small Mind has a pretty neat one here) so I thought I'd do a All-Horror Edition! 

What's below are screen captures from 15 horror movies. They range from super popular horror movies all the way to maybe only two people (including myself) have seen the movie. So the difficulty should be mixed for everybody. 

THE RULES:

1. I will have the comments closed on this post. In order to submit your answers you MUST MUST MUST email them to me at invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com.

2. The contest will run until December 25th. On the 26th I shall post the answers AND the winners.

3. You can email me as many times you want between now and the 25th with your answers. Meaning if you figured out a couple a few days after sending in your answers, you can send those in as well.

4. The person who gets the MOST right will win a prize! It will be something cool. I haven't figure out what exactly yet but it will be cool. Maybe a DVD. Maybe a gift card. Maybe a special T-Shirt. It will be one if not all three of those things. 

5. In the event of a tie, I will have a tie breaker that will be posted on the 26th and hope something is resolved. If not, I'll just give it to whoever I like the most. (That part is a joke. Honest.)

And finally, if you can figure out what #15 is without any help, you will officially be my favorite person ever! It probably is the hardest one out of the batch and I will be impressed! With that said, enough of my yammering, here are the pics!

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Good luck!
-Jason

Previously On Invasion of the B Movies

Things that happened.
-Jason

Sand Sharks

I been wanting to cover this movie since I did my shark attack blog-a-thon(g) earlier this year but it wasn't available then. Thankfully, Netflix decided to add it to their Instant Watch and now I get to cover it before Invasion of the B Movies goes away forever!

What was the huge appeal to me? Mainly the raw star power of Brooke Hogan! She popped up during "2-Headed Shark Attack" and when I heard she did ANOTHER movie, this time about sharks in sand, I said "Oh great, she's gonna be the go-to shark gal, huh?"

"Sand Sharks" opens up with two dirt bike riding guys riding around on a beach. One of them gets stuck in the sand and wouldn't you know it a shark pops out of the sand and eats him. The other guy of course thinks the first guy was joking around and goes looking for him but he too gets eaten.

After the credits, where all the stars are also the producers of the movie and we learn there's a guy calling himself "Edgar Allan Poe IV" (Will this guy still have a career? Quoth the raven: "Nevermore!"), we meet Jimmy. Jimmy is your standard stereotypical sleazy producer guy who wears fake gold jewelry, wears tinted glasses indoors, and calls everyone "babe".

Jimmy is from an island called White Sand and his father (played by Edgar Allan Poe IV) is the Mayor of this island. Jimmy has returned home to help bring tourists to this island. We're told through several back story conversations that Jimmy tried to have a festival on the island before and a billion people died, which scared off the tourists, so as a result the island hasn't recovered and businesses are leaving and the residents are moving into the city.

Jimmy wants to put on a festival called "Sand Man", which is suppose to be a rip off of Burning Man. Mayor Dad actually likes the idea and tells Jimmy he can put on the festival. Meanwhile Sheriff John and his sister Brenda are trying to solve the mystery of the two dead bikers from earlier. Brenda thinks it was a shark, despite the bodies being found on land and calls in a shark expert, Brooke Hogan!

Hey if Tara Reid can play a museum curator, Brooke Hogan can be a shark expert!

Meanwhile, Jimmy is all gung-ho on setting up for this festival but John and Brenda have decided to close the beaches until they figure out if there is a shark or not. Brooke Hogan shows up to peek into microscopes, say some things I'm sure she read off a cue card regarding types of sharks, and of course wear bikinis as often as possible.

Already, it sounds like a bad rip-off or parody of "Jaws" and you're half-right. There is an old salty sea dog guy who says he can kill the shark for ya, the town does go into a panic, AND the mayor doesn't want to close the beaches, AND AND it's up to the small island sheriff to save everybody! I guess Brooke Hogan is Richard Dreyfuss? Have fun wit that masterbatory fantasy.

Jimmy is pissed off that the beach is closed so he hires a fake Jason Statham to bring a fake shark from a "bad shark movie" (SEE NICK, THIS MOVIE IS META!) to pass as the shark going around killing people on the island. But Professor Brooke Hogan knows the truth and says so to everybody's faces!

Later that night, Jimmy decides to set up for the festival anyway by having fake Jason Statham set up the power cables, which causes a black out on the island. John figured this out and spots Fake Statham on the beach but you know what else is on the beach? The shark....our shark!

The shark attacks Fake Statham, who was plugging in some more power cords after fixing the power or something and this causes an electrical surge, blowing up the shark. With that out of the way, Jimmy is free to put on the festival.

And what a lame festival. It looked more like an organized flash mob set to dubstep. There was maybe 20 people, even though Jimmy promised Edgar Allan Poe IV a billion people, MORE people than Burning Man, and all these people were gonna save the island's economy. HEY! Maybe that's what Obama should do! Throw a GIANT dance party in Washington, D.C, have EVERY country over, and have Skrillex provide the music! Talk about a Party in the U.S.A!

Anyway, since the movie hasn't ended yet, you probably figured out that wasn't the only shark in the sand that got killed. It was actually a baby shark and the baby shark has a mother...and a father...and several other siblings. Cue the mayhem!

In the mayhem, Brenda is chomped in half along with some people that worked for Jimmy. Jimmy learns his lesson and decides not to be a douchebag and actually tries to save people. And it's up to John, Brooke Hogan, and salty sea dog guy to save the day! How do they save the day?

I have no idea. It was confusing at best. Something about melting sand and using amps from the DJ's booth and the song "Ride of the Valkyries". Oh and Jimmy is carrying napalm for no real reason. He just happened to have it. OH! And there was literally a scene where characters just transported. John and Brooke Hogan are stuck on some rocks, being circled by sand sharks. Cuts away to Jimmy driving to the police station to get some guns and suddenly both John and Brooke is there! They just said "oh we got away!" THE FUCK?!?!?!

Whatever. So they're putting their plan into motion but the speakers is cut by the shark fins and Jimmy decides to sacrifice himself by running around in circles singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". This causes the sharks to think "The fuck is wrong with this guy?" and eat him. Thankfully, Brooke Hogan knows how to handle a flame thrower and blows up the sharks real good.

What's funny about this movie is it clearly doesn't take itself too seriously. The Netflix description says it's a "comedic thriller". So this movie had it's tongue planted clearly in it's cheek and as a result, I'll go easy on it. The acting was fucking terrible, however, and I'm sure that wasn't on purpose. It's a goofy ass movie and if you need something dumb to watch and want to look at Brooke Hogan's tits for an hour and a half and NOT risk a restraining order, you can pop this in. But you see them more in "2-Headed Shark Attack"...whatever!



-Jason

The Beginning of The End

It is December 2nd. Invasion of the B Movies is going to die in 30 days. I figured I should do this post now because from this point on, things around here are bound to get crazy and frantic and I'll probably forget to do it and end up pissing off a ton of people. And the LAST thing I wanna do before I disappear forever is piss off a ton of people. I mean fuck, I do that on a daily basis anyway.

When I started Invasion of the B Movies 7 years ago, I had one goal in mind: to have a pretty popular b-movie website. A place where lovers of bad movies come to read one guys take on the shittiest movie he was able to get his grubby little hands on. I've read other sites prior to me starting mine and it seemed like a fun time. Plus those websites had an awesome community and that was sort of what I wanted to do, start a community. Did I succeed? Not in the way I originally planned but yes I do think I have some small legion of fans who hang on to my every word.

I will admit that I didn't always write about bad movies. The first time I ever did movie reviews on the internet, I was reviewing GOOD movies. Hell, I think the FIRST review I ever written was for "Night of the Living Dead". I went on to review such classics as "The Hours", "Dancer in the Dark", "Caveman's Valentine" and of course "My Best Friend's Wedding".

But I had more fun writing about the bad movies, the ones that nobody seemed to want to talk about. And it seems like people liked reading those more than my thoughts on Samuel L. Jackson's bare ass. (Why is that the only thing I remember from that movie?)

NOW here I am, seven years later, with FIVE Best Horror Blog LAMMY wins under my belt, a ALMOST LAMMY nominated podcast, and 2 or 3 people who read my blog. With all that accomplished, I figured it would be best to end on top then to slip and fade away into obscurity. But before I do that, I do have a shit ton of people to thank and I want to do that now before things get crazy around here.

ALL FORMER MASS INVADERS-Including Adam, Maria, Sean, Rachael, April, Devon, Bobbie, Bill, Felicia, and a few others that came and went so quickly. Thank you so much for letting me be your boss for a little bit. It was a bit nerve wrecking running these things, especially during all the times people said they couldn't get the movie in time or they watched the wrong chapters or watched the wrong movie totally. Oh and Rachael, I remember the time you refused-REFUSED-to watch "Battlefield Earth". I guess I have to say you were right about that. Anyway, thank you for bearing with me and for being fucking awesome and being there. It was fun, huh?

DYLAN FIELDS-For probably being one of my biggest cheerleaders. He listens to every episode of The Lair, actually writes in, leaves me honest feedback, and is never scared to tell me how it is. If he thinks something I'm doing sucks ass, he will tell me and suggest ways to fix it. I've known Dylan for years now. I remember finding Blog Cabins on OddTodd.com and thinking "That's a neat name for a movie website!" and just liked the writing. Soon after that, Dylan emailed me saying "Hey I'm doing this this called The Large Association of Movie Blogs, wanna be a member?" And me being the biggest whore out there said "YES!!! I WANT ATTENTION GOD DAMN IT!!" And so I became the 5th LAMB ever! Thank you Dylan, for being awesome and honest and there for me. Despite me calling you Dyl-Dog.

Speaking of...THE LAMB-Everybody on the LAMB, members and contributors alike. Me and you have had our ups and downs (probably mainly downs but the ups were too awesome to let that really get in the way) but overall you are a great place to not only meet other movie nerds but to learn, laugh, and love. And if it wasn't for The LAMB, I wouldn't have met many if not all the people I am currently friends with. It has indeed changed my life and I will be forever grateful for that wonderful community.

NICK JOBE-We've started out total strangers, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with each other. But the more we talked and became friends, we've became almost like brothers. I know you'll never forgive me for not liking "Boy Meets World" or making you watch "Santa Sangre" and I'll never forget the fact you don't find necrophilia and lactating mothers disturbing. (Boy, to anybody not in the know will wonder what the fuck is up with that. Nick, don't explain it, just let it be!)

ODD TODD-I mentioned you earlier but you're really the most famous person I know who's plugged and linked to my stuff, a lot, in the past. You have a great sense of humor and I love that you let not only me but anybody promote their stuff on your site. Now get back to making cartoons, dammit!

THE GREAT WHITE DOPE-I don't ever plan on growing up but if I'm forced to grow up, I hope I get to be just like you. You truly are an inspiration to bad movie lovers alike, what with your extensive knowledge and large ass movie collection that'll make Amazon's warehouse jealous. In fact, you probably live in Amazon's warehouse, don't you? Anyway, I hope you keep on going long after I do and remember: don't let anybody give you any shit. Just do what I do when the haters come knocking around: tell them to fuck themselves, write a review of "I Spit On Your Grave", and just sit back and laugh, with a cigar in your mouth. Stay golden, pony boy.

NOLAHN-What started out as an awkward email exchange turned into one of the greatest friendships I could have ever have asked for. You are a great podcasting partner and somehow you are the only other person outside of The Future Wife to keep me in line. I can't imagine The Lair being a success without you and even though we are still gonna keep The Lair going, I just wanted to say thanks for everything you did, from leaving comments to telling me how wrong I am at times to helping out with the Mass Invasions.

ALL THE DIRECTORS WHOSE MOVIES I'VE HATED-This includes the director of "Fear of Clowns", the director of "Wiseguys vs Zombies", and some guy who knew the director of "Gothic Girls AKA Good Girls Don't Sleep In Coffins" for not only taking all the death threats I left for you as a joke but for taking the time to answer some burning questions I had about your films. And the "Fear of Clowns" guy, thanks for sending me the sequel before it was ever released. I will cherish that forever!

EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THE FILM "MURDER SET PIECES"-Thank you for making a film so god damn mother fucking butt raping retardedly awful that it as forever been a benchmark for how bad every movie I've watched since then has become. And you won't believe this. I've reviewed that film over FIVE years ago and nothing, not even "Zombie Nation" OR "Vampires vs Zombies" has come CLOSE to be worse than "Murder Set Pieces". You really outdid yourselves. You should be so fucking proud.

ALL MY FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER-I've got a lot of you guys so I can't mention you by name. But if you came here from Twitter, I mean YOU! You guys are awesome and I love reading your shit. If you run another website or blog, I know I haven't been the greatest at leaving comments on your sites, even if you been leaving stuff on mine. I know it's not fair and I am sorry. I do read it but I don't always have something to say. But keep it up, all of you.

TO ALL THE HATERS-Including the awful bitch from Canada and her stupid boyfriend, you are all narrow minded assfucks who seem to hate life, not have any joy, or never experienced true happiness and I feel really sorry for you. You probably think me ending the site is a victory for you but really it's not because I am ending it while I am on top of my game. I rather bow out gracefully than stumble and die in a horrible blaze. So in a way I say FUCK YOU! This statement also goes to pretentious movie snobs. I have two people in mind with that sentence but I shall keep their names to myself. In fact, I dedicate this song to you.

EVERYBODY ELSE I DIDN'T MENTION BY NAME-Sorry if I didn't give you a solo shout out. But if you ever read this site, marked it as a favorite and check it often, left a comment, participated in any contest I ever had, sent me something or you're just an awesome person in my eyes, thank you so much for your support and your readership. I didn't set out to rule the world but I will admit it is nice to have SOME readers and without you guys, I wouldn't be doing this. I don't just throw this out to just anybody but I seriously do love each and every one of you and words cannot express how I feel about you.

With that said, buckle in cause the next month is going to be bumpy! HOLY FUCK!
-Jason