B-Movie Meatloaf: Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

This month's Meatloaf fell on my shoulders and looking at my queue I saw one movie I wanted to watch and get over with. So I suggested "sequels/direct-to-video sequels" and I picked "Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever".

For you non-horror fans out there "Cabin Fever" was written and directed by Eli "I'm Friends With Quentin Tarantino" Roth and I fuckin' hate it. The entire movie is really stupid, the characters are unlikeable, and it's full of stupid nonsense.

Example?

So I saw there was a direct-to-video sequel and Eli "I'm a horrible actor" Roth had nothing to do with it, I was like "Ok...maybe I'll give it a shot". If only Eli's ego wasn't so huge, he would've let someone else make Hostel 2.

"Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever" starts with a guy running out of the woods, looking like he melted in the sun. Maybe he's made of chocolate. He jumps in front of a school bus, which instantly hits him. The bus showed no sign of stopping, which was amazing to me.

Apparently, the bus did stop and the only character from the first to be in this movie is Winston, the child-like deputy who likes drinking, pussy, and screwing up his job. Winston is on the scene where he tells the freaked out bus driver it was a moose. The bus driver calms down and he continues driving the bratty kids to school.

The opening credits are done animated style by showing us the water full of the flesh eating disease going into the bottled water factory, being put into the bottles, then the bottles being shipped to the town's school. I'm guessing this is the same town as the first movie. I wasn't sure cause they didn't show any hicks or have kids yelling about breakfast food.

Although if they kept that angle, what food would he be screaming out?
"FRENCH TOAST!"
"SCRAMBLED EGGS!"
"GRAPEFRUIT WITH A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR!"

Anyway, the credits end and soon it turns into an episode of, I dunno, "One Tree Hill" or something. We meet John and his friend Alex. They're your typical non-popular kids, they have crushes on the hot chicks, one hot chick Cassie is dating some tool named Marc. You know the drill. We know the drill but they take 20 fucking minutes setting it up.

I get that character development is important and we're suppose to be attached to these people, but if I want to watch "Dawson's Creek", I'll light myself on fire, then put on "Dawson's Creek". No offense Van Der Beek.

During all this teen drama, we see certain students drinking the tainted water. We don't see John, Alex, or Cassie drinking it. Alex finds some chick crying in a classroom and while consoling her, she decides to give him a blowjob. Oh, I should probably also state that this is the day of prom. So everybody is asking everybody out.

Blowjob girl blows off (see what I did there?) Alex while Cassie tells John she's not going to prom. That night, Alex makes John go and when they get there, Alex discovers his date isn't gonna show up. We do get an interesting scene that I don't really understand.

We see a fat chick. I forget her name, I'm sorry. If it was said, it was said once and I just can't remember. Just so I don't feel so mean, let's call her Darla. Darla has a crush on some dude named Rick (I remember his name cause he's set up to be the prom king, while the queen Sandy whines out his name roughly 12 thousand times in a row) and Rick goes up to Darla and tells her he wants to fuck her.

Now you and I are thinking "Well this is going to turn into a cruel prank of some kind" but nope. They actually fuck. I was kinda surprised. I'm not even sure where this whole thing came from, honestly. But while they fuck, Darla starts spitting up blood, then eventually disintergrates. Rick, while trying to save Darla, falls into the pool, hitting his head, and most likely drowns.

So the prom is going on. Cassie shows up and surprises John. Marc shows up, surprising them both. Marc vows to kick John's ass for no reason, and for stupid reasons the principal kicks John out of the school.

Meanwhile, Winston is having dinner at a diner (I swear to god he's eating pancakes) when the bottled water company's truck driver gets all melty and dies. Some chick thinks it's Satan and does an exorcism while Winston decides to get the fuck out of there. Cause he sucks at his job.

Winston remembers all the shit from the first movie and thinks the water has something to do with it. He goes to investigates and finds that Judah Friedlander is the night guard. While finding out that a shipment of tainted water is heading to the school, some dudes with guns show up, kill Judah, causing Winston to go "Fuck this, I'm outta here!"

Cassie follows John outside, where John asks Cassie why she's dating an asshole. Yeah, I'd like to know the answer to that too. Sadly, she doesn't give an answer in time cause the dudes with the guns show up. They make John and Cassie go into the school, while they quarantine it.

Inside the school, students and teachers alike start melting. Sandy the prom queen won't SHUT THE FUCK UP but thankfully she explodes. I'm feel like I'm forgetting something....OH SHIT! THE JANITOR!

The janitor man...if he didn't melt and die he should get his own spin off. He got fed up with all the kid's bullshit so he PISSED in the punchbowl! And all the kids drank it! Wow.

Ok, back to the story. The guys with guns (they never say who they are or how they know all this is happening) goes around shooting any non-melted people while John, Cassie, and Alex find a way out. Alex's dick starts melting, which upsets him. Soon, he completely dies. John finds out his wrist is starting to melt, so he decides to cut it off.

After cutting his hand off, Marc shows up to kick John's ass (cause he's in a weakened state, which makes it easier for him) but Cassie kills Marc with a nail gun. Oh shit! Cassie and John find an exit not chained up and run out the school, but John lost too much blood so he doesn't have the energy. He tells Cassie to run which she does while he's tackled by the guys with guns.

Winston meets up with his cousin Herman and I swear to you he's Mark Borchardt, the star of the documentary "American Movie". I was fucking blown away. And great casting choice. So Winston and Herman are driving along when they spot Cassie flagging for help. She gets into their van and they drive off somewhere.

And here, the movie could've ended. But there's this horrible tacked on ending that was pointless and I'm sure only there to make the movie longer. So you know that girl that blew Alex? She's a stripper and she's slowly melting. She goes out to dance and shows her tits but they're about rotted off. Another stripper uses her lipstick. Some mexican guys are there. And eventually, the ending credits turn into a cartoon and shows all these people going about their lives, spreading this disease. That's basically it.

They could've kept the ending with Cassie getting into the van and just show the words "THE WORLD'S FUCKED!" and be done with it. But despite the tacked on ending, I liked this movie a hell of a lot more than the first movie. I'm not even sure why I liked it as much. It was only a tad bit more gorier, and there was too much high school teenager drama shit, but I had a fun time watching it. Really, it doesn't have to be a sequel. If they took out Winston and just made it about a disease, it could stand on it's own.

BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!

-Jason