Razzie's '10: Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

Holy fuck me sideways. This movie is way too fucking long. I just used two variations of the word "fuck" in the intro of this review, so that should give you some sign. This movie is so long I had to split the viewing into two days. This movie is so long my ass is now permently part of my chair. And this movie is so long, Ron Jeremy is jealous.

With that done, let's dive right into "Transformers 2: Lost in New York".

Some shit is being blown up in China and the Autobots are helping, either solving this problem or helping with the blowing up. I couldn't be sure. Any event, now that the Autobots are here on Earth, they joined forces with the military and formed a special unit called NEST. The leader of this is Agent Aaron Pierce from "24", and Mr. Fergie and Tyrese are pretty high ranking guys as well.

We then see what Shia Labeouf, who plays Sam, is up to. He's packing to go to college. He calls Megan Fox and apparently they're about to be broken up. But then she changes her mind and they don't break up. Pfft, women. Amirite?

Sam is going through the clothes he wore in the first movie when a piece of the all-spark thing falls out. When Sam touches this, he suddenly becomes smart. So his IQ went up to double digits finally! WOO!! The piece falls into the kitchen and all the kitchen appalinces turn into decepticons. As a result of this, they start attacking the family.

Bumblebee is there and he blasts a large hole in their house, which does stop the tiny decepticons but everyone's pissed off at Bumblebee. Why? He saved your fucking life! Ugh. Anyway, they go off to Sam's college.

Back at NEST, some douche shows up saying what they're doing is wrong cause all of China is destroyed. Honestly, I think they did them a favor. They can build from scratch now! Agent Aaron Piece doesn't like this douche.

Then we're introduced to the controversal robots, The Twins who talk like Eddie Griffin, have gold "teeth" and uses slang. I'm not sure if this is suppose to be outright racist or not. I've seen worse. I am a bit dissapointed they didn't do outright racist things but whatever.

Sam arrives at college and looking at the running time of this movie (being 2 hours and 25 minutes long) they could've cut this whole scene out. We spend about 10 minutes having Sam meet his roommate Leo. Leo runs some website that specializes in conspiracies and none of this has anything to do with the movie.

Another thing that has nothing to do with this movie? Sam's Mom eating pot brownies. This fucking "plot" goes on for wayyyy too long and again, doesn't serve any purpose. It wasn't even funny when she was high, I was highly annoyed.

Anyway, Sam is suppose to have a webcam chat with Megan Fox, but Sam got dragged to a party where he meets a hot chick named Alice, who might as well be Megan Fox's twin sister. Alice throws herself onto Sam cause she likes dumbasses apparently. Then Sam has a mental breakdown and starts writing weird alien symbols.

Bumblebee shows up to warn Sam about something that's happening. What's that something? I'm glad you asked. With all the websites and pot browies being giving screen time they barely fit in the actual plot of the movie. Which is this (and stay with me):

Megatron was sent to the bottom of the ocean for some reason. All the other decepticons are coming to his rescue and they somehow do. Megatron wakes up and flies up into space where Starscream is. They found the remains of some dude named The Fallen (Get it? GET IT!!! HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD REPEATEDLY WHILE POINTING AT THE TITLE! GET IT!!!!!) and The Fallen came to Earth a billion years ago to destroy the sun, and the planet in the process, but all of Optimus Prime's ancestors prevented this from happening and now The Fallen wants revenge and to finish what he started.

Phew.

I need a break.



Ok, back.

Back to Sam and Alice (That's much easier to write than the name they gave Megan Fox, which is why I'm calling her Megan Fox. I mean, the character is pretty much Megan Fox so whatever) and Bumblebee doesn't like Alice, so he does all sorts of weird crap like smash her face in with the seat and spray some sort of fluid on her. I'm sure she's used to fluids getting sprayed on her anyway. OH SNAP!

Anyway, Bumblebee takes Sam to Optimus Prime who tells him about the Fallen but Sam is like "fuck that noise, I got two hot chicks fighting over me! Lates!!" Sam goes to his astronmy class which is being taught by...Rainn Wilson?? Why are you in this?? Why does Michael Bay WANT to ruin funny guy's carrers? Who's gonna show up in Transformers 3: This Movie Will REALLY Suck, Zach Galifinakis? Jesus.




Anyway, Rainn Wilson is a borderline pervy teacher who's also kind of a douche. Sam has another breakdown in class and writes weird symbols on the board. Dwight kicks him out of class and Sam calls Megan Fox. Megan Fox is pissed about being stood up. While that's happening, a tiny decepticon that takes the form of a RV truck shows up at Megan's to take the piece of the all-spark. This thing is so stupid that Megan Fox outsmarted it by capturing it and locking it up. She then says she's flying to whatever college Sam's at.

Uh-oh! Bad timing. Alice shows up at Sam's dorm room to find Sam went crazy and writing alien symbols all over the place. He even wrote a symbol all over...oh FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!!



FUCK YOU!!!!

Ugh. I need a drink.



Ahh, better.

Alright, I wanna zip by this as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, there's still an hour and a half to go. Yeah.

Alice turns out to be a decepticon (hottest decepticon ever) and Megan Fox happens to walk in while Alice is dry humping Sam. Megan Fox knows no other girl could find him attractive so she calls bullshit and helps Sam fight Alice. Then more explosions! On a college campus! Yay!




Bumblebee is out having a smoke or something so he's not around. Leo tags along THINKING the aliens are after HIM. They hot-wire a car and escape only to have Megatron show up, take Sam, and threaten to cut open his head to take the symbols out of his brain. If he has one. Before that can happen, the Autobots FINALLY show up and save Sam's ass. An epic fight ensues and, well....Optimus Prime is killed.

Didn't he die in the other Transfomer's movie and everyone threw a shit fit? Why wasn't one thrown about this? I mean really?

Well, with Optimus out, The Fallen can now be The Risen and is much alive cause "only a Prime can destroy The Fallen". How convienient.

Sam needs help figuring out what the weird symbols he's drawing means so Leo directs him to a guy he talks to online. That guy? John Turtoro's character Agent Simmons. Only this time he's not an Agent, he's some smuck running a deli with his mom.



Sam and Simmons aren't happy to see each other but Simmons helps anyway by showing Sam pictures of the symbols all over ancient Egypt. Megan Fox brings out the tiny stupid RV decepticon, cause she's been "training him". I dunno when the fuck she was "training him" cause she flew across the country, then got into the shit with Alice and explosions and stuff. But whatever. The trained decepticon tells us that autobots and decepticons have been on Earth for YEARS! And some are still around. They find one in a museum nearby so now they have to break in to talk to him!

At the 2 hour mark, I made this exact face.

So we waste another 20 minutes of movie time by showing these guys breaking into a PUBLIC OPEN MUSEUM! Granted, they had to hide the fact one of their exhibits is a Transformer but whatever. They find him and he turns out to be a decepticon that turned cause he didn't like the direction they were going with the taking over the world shit. And he's a cranky senile old bastard.

The old Transformer tells them that The Fallen made this machine that can destroy the sun and, yeah I went through it already. So The Old Transformer then teleports everyone to Eygpt cause the sun destroying machine, and the key to turn it on called The Matrix (no kidding it's called The Matrix) is there. Somewhere. The old geezer gives them cryptic clues and off they go.

Here the movie REALLY fuckin' slows down. I mean SLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSS the fuck down. Some bantering. The Twins get screen time. There's this HUGE sideplot about Sam and Megan Fox not saying "I love you" to each other. Agent Simmons calls Mr. Fergie and tells them where they're at in Egypt and if they bring Optimus, they can bring him back to life with The Matrix. Huh? When was that said? I don't fucking know but that's now a plot. Here's the catch: Mr. Fergie and Tyrese are now discharged by the douche from earlier and they have to turn the remaining Autobots into scrap metal or something. Mr. Fergie finds a way around this by pretty much shoving the douche out of a plane and flying to Egypt. That was easy.

So Sam finds The Matrix and it turns to dust. Yeah, an advanced alien tool made of steel TURNED TO FUCKING DUST! Sam thinks the dust will still work. Yeah, go ahead and keep thinking that. So now they have to get to Optimus.

And holy fuck does it take FOR FUCKING EVER to get to Optimus. Pretty much the last half hour of this fucking movie is just this:









There. You just witnessed the last half hour of this movie, but picture a bunch of robots around the explosions.

Admist the firepower, Sam FINALLY gets to Optimus but gets blown up and pretty much dies. Sam goes to heaven, meets the dead Primes and tell Sam it's up to him to save the day and they return him to the living. During this, Megan Fox and Sam finally say I love you to each other. The dead Primes also turn the key dust back to a solid (So it was that easy, huh?) and Sam stabs Optimus with it. But that's still not enough. The Old Geezer Transformer shows up and gives him "his parts" to make him whole again.

Meanwhile, The Fallen shows up out of fucking nowhere, steals The Matrix, and activates the sun machine, which was hidden in a pyrimad. Simmons manages to hack into the air forces radio signal and tells them to bomb the shit out of that pyrimad. This sort of works but when Optimus Prime shows up, he simply blasts the machine and punches the shit out of the Fallen, finally killing him. Megatron and Starscream witnesses this and does a "we'll be back in the next unnecessary sequel!" and simply fly away.

After a triumphant speech by Optimus, the movie ends. THANK GOD!!!! And yes, they sorta forgot about the little RV decepticon. I did too. Wanna guess why? IT FUCKING HUMPS MEGAN FOX'S LEG!!!! I can't say I blame it, but why devote a whole SCENE to this. Ugh, I hate this movie. I hate everything about it. And yes I still hate Michael Bay.

Fuck you, Michael Bay.

The only saving grace was Megan Fox. She LITERALLY was just there for eye candy. She didn't do jack shit in this movie but stand around, with her tits out, and run beside Sam. THATS IT! I would give it one star for that but that's just being too nice and I don't wanna be too nice to this movie. It sucks. It's too fucking long and if they make a third one I'm gonna go crazy and bomb the shit out of Hollywood. Arrgh!

-Jason

Razzies '10: All About Steve

I almost forgot I have to do two Razzie related reviews. I had to wait until some time cleared up. It'll be a couple of days before I get to Transformers 2 so for now here's my review on "All About Steve".

My thoughts on this movie: I don't think it's that bad.

Seriously, what's the big fucking deal about this movie? Why was it so poorly receieved? I mean, I view this movie as I view all typical romantic comedy films:
-The lead chick is annoying as hell and does stupid shit all the way though.
-The lead dude is an asshole and/or a douche.
-The "comic relief" is a bigger asshole.
-The "comedy" is flat but I get some chuckles out of it.

So let's go over the story to get it over with. Sandra Bullock, who apparently won an Oscar the same weekend she won a Razzie for this movie, plays Mary, a crossword puzzle author. She lives with her parents and she has a pet, which I forget what it is at this moment. A turtle? Monkey? I dunno, it's one of those dumb things that's in ALL ROMANTIC COMEDIES!

Mary's parents decide to get her laid and hook her up with Steve, played by Bradly Cooper. Bradly Cooper was sort of unknown when he took this role. Thankfully, he kicked ass in "The Hangover" and his career was saved. Steve, despite me saying all lead dudes in these type of movies are assholes, is just boring. He's just a hunky guy that's there to make Mary's panties wet.

And Mary's panties get so wet she practically rapes him in his truck outside her parents house. But because Mary doesn't ever shut the fuck up, Steve pretends he left his dick at home and drops her off and runs as fast as he can. But Mary turns stalkerish and, I'm not shitting you, DEVOTES AN ENTIRE CROSSWORD PUZZLE DEVOTED TO STEVE! (Hence "All About Steve").

Steve's job is a camerman for the local news and he and news reporter Hartman Hughes (Thomas Haden Church) have to go all over the country following different news stories. Because Mary's a stalker, she follows him and hilarity ensues.

During one of their stops, Hartman hears Steve talk about Mary, and he eventually finds her. For some reason, Hartman makes it his mission to annoying the fuck out of Steve by putting thoughts into Mary's head. This whole thing I didn't understand. Was a scene edited out? Why is Hartman doing this to Steve? It looks like they get along otherwise. I don't know.

Anyway, the action comes to a head when some kids fall down some massive hole somewhere and Mary ends up falling into the hole herself (cause she's a dumbass). So now the news story turns to Mary in the hole and she has to figure out how to get out.

Eventually, she does and she gets over Steve and the movie just kinda ends. Honestly, this is how every other romantic comedy plays out. What about this particular one do you people hate about it? I mean, sure Bradly Cooper is no Tom Hanks, and Sandra Bullock is no Meg Ryan, but still. It felt like I just watched "You Got Mail" or "When Harry Met Sally" or some shit. I don't love this movie but I didn't hate it either. I'm satisfied with watching it just once.

But anyway, I got this review out of way. Now I get watch "Transformers 2: This Time There's Racist Robots In The Movie". Hooray for me.

-Jason

The Razzie's '10: Winners

I usually relist all the nominee's and bold who won and italize who I picked but I'll make it easy this year and just list who won and if different who I picked. Here we go:

WORST SCREENPLAY:
WON: Transformers 2
My Pick: Twilight: New Moon

WORST DIRECTOR:
WON AND My Pick: Michael Bay
WOO HOO! I been validated! I been validated!

WORST SEQUEL, PREQUEL, REMAKE, OR RIP-OFF:
Won: Land of the Lost
My Pick: Transformers 2
I'm telling you, Land of the Lost isn't THAT bad.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Won AND My Pick: Billy Ray Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Won: Sienna Miller-G.I Joe
My Pick: Ali Larter-Obsessed
Eh, I didn't really care about this one either way.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE:
Won: Sandra Bullock and Bradly Cooper-All About Steve
My Pick: Shia LaBeouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer-Transformers 2
I figured if they're gonna pick on Transformers 2, they might as well pick them for every category.

WORST ACTOR(S):
Won: Jonas Brothers
My Pick: Eddie Murphy-Imagine That
As I said before, they were just being themselves so this win bothers me.

WORST ACTRESS:
Won: Sandra Bullock-All About Steve
My Pick: Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie
Really??? Ok...

WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Battlefield Earth

WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Eddie Murphy

WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Paris Hilton
What can I say? I'm fuckin' goooood!

And finally the big one...WORST PICTURE OF THE YEAR!:
Won AND My Pick: Transformers 2

I knew it. I FUCKIN' knew it. So this means I'll have to review "All About Steve" and "Transformers 2". I normally do it on Razzie weekend but due to the Razzies not being announced until last night and my lack of living near a video store, it'll have to wait till later this week. Anyway, thanks to everyone who voted on the Readers Choice and for reading this. This was a lackluster Razzie's, since I called a whopping 6 categories (I normally average around 2 or 3) with no big surprised, which means there'll be no big surprises tonight at the Oscars. Start paintin' them Gold Statues Blue!
-Jason

Razzie Weekend '10: Reader's Choice

Really? "All About Steve"? I guess...ohh I see what you did there. You just want to see me write about said movie, huh? Ok. I accept said challenge.

And for the record, I didn't think "Land of the Lost" was all that bad. It's a fun movie based on a somewhat fun show that had a budget of $12 dollars. So hate on that movie not understood.

As for the actual Razzie Award for Worst Picture, that won't be revealed until tomorrow morning. I have a STRONG feeling it's gonna be Transformers 2 but I guess we'll just have to wait to see.

(What's with all my posts ending with that? I hate waiting and seeing! Grr!)
-Jason

The Razzies 2010

The way some people look forward to the Oscars, I look forward to The Razzies. And they are finally here, my friend! Woo!

So since I've doubled my readership from last year (from 4 to 8!) I'll explain how this goes.

I'll post each category and the nominees. Then I'll Bold the nominess that I THINK will win. I've done this every year since, eh, probably 2005 or so. And....I've been wrong every time. Oh well, it's all about fun.

But things get interactive when I throw a poll up and have YOU pick which movie nominated Worst Picture I should watch. So I'll post that category last.

Also, since it's a new decade, they got three new awards for worst (insert) of the past decade. Ok enough of my blabbering, here we's go!

Worst Actor:
All Three Jonas Brothers
JONAS BROTHERS: THE 3-D CONCERT EXPERIENCE

Will Ferrell
LAND OF THE LOST

Steve Martin
PINK PANTHER 2

Eddie Murphy
IMAGINE THAT

John Travolta
OLD DOGS
(Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with any of the others listed. Yeah, Jonas Brothers but it was a concert film and they were just being themselves singing annoying songs. If it was a fictional movie, it'd be a different thing. As much as I look forward to the Razzies, they tend to annoy me at times.)

Worst Actress:
Beyonce
OBSESSED

Sandra Bullock
ALL ABOUT STEVE

Miley Cyrus
HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE

Megan Fox
JENNIFER’s BODY and TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Sarah Jessica Parker
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
(However, I can nominate Miley for merely existing and for giving us a Hannah Montanna movie.)

Worst Supporting Actor
Billy Ray Cyrus
HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE

Hugh Hefner (as Himself)
MISS MARCH

Robert Pattinson
TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka)
LAND OF THE LOST

Marlon Wayans
G.I. JOE
(I'd love to pick on Twilight, but I know he's not gonna "win". So let's give it to the one person on this list that doesn't belong in the acting world.)

Worst Supporting Actress:
Candice Bergen
BRIDE WARS

Ali Larter
OBSESSED

Sienna Miller
G.I. JOE

Kelly Preston
OLD DOGS

Julie White (as Mom)
TRANNIES, TOO
(Obsessed just looks like a stupid movie.)

Worst Screen Couple:
Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers
THE JONAS BROTHERS 3-D CONCERT EXPERIENCE

Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper
ALL ABOUT STEVE

Will Ferrell & Any Co-Star,
Creature or “Comic Riff”
LAND OF THE LOST

Shia LaBeouf & EITHER
Megan Fox OR
Any Transformer
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Kristen Stewart & EITHER
Robert Pattinson OR
Taylor Whatz-His-Fang
TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
(Again, anything involving Twilight isn't gonna win. But I do find "Whatz-His-Fang" funny.)

Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel:
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Land of The Lost

Pink Panther 2
(A Rip-Off of a Sequel to a Remake)

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

Twilight Saga: New Moon
(If there is a Bad Movie God, this should sweep the Razzies.)

Worst Director
Michael Bay
TRANNIES, TOO

Walt Becker
OLD DOGS

Brad Silberling
LAND OF THE LOST

Stephen Sommers
G.I. JOE

Phil Traill
ALL ABOUT STEVE
(Yeah you could say it's cause I hate Michael Bay, but honestly, look at the other nominees. Think ANY of them are gonna win this? This is the year of Bay.)

Worst Screenplay:
All About Steve
Screenplay by Kim Barker

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett
Based on Hasbro’s G.I. JOE® Characters.

Land of The Lost
Written by Chris Henchy & Dennis McNicholas
Based on Sid & Marty Krofft’s TV Series

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
Written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures

Twilight Saga: New Moon
Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg
Based on the Novel by Stephenie Meyer
(Ok, Twilight should "Win" in this category cause I wouldn't call THAT "writing".)

Worst Picture of the Decade:
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Nominated for 10 RAZZIES® / “Winner” of 8
(Including Worst Drama of Our First 25 Yrs)

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Nominated for 9 RAZZIES® / “Winner” of 5

Gigli (2003)
Nominated for 10 RAZZIES® / “Winner” of 7
(Including Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Yrs)

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Nominated for 9 RAZZIES® / “Winner” of 8

Swept Away (2002)
Nominated for 9 RAZZIES® / “Winner” of 5
(God, this was tough. I like Freddy Got Fingered, only cause I knew what kind of movie it was going in it. Everything else is terrible. But I went with the one that caused the most pain.)

Worst Actor of the Decade:
Ben Affleck
Nominated for 9 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 2 RAZZIES®
DAREDEVIL, GIGLI, JERSEY GIRL, PAYCHECK,
PEARL HARBOR, SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

Eddie Murphy
Nominated for 12 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 3 RAZZIES®
ADVENTURES of PLUTO NASH, I SPY, IMAGINE THAT,
MEET DAVE, NORBIT, SHOWTIME

Mike Myers
Nominated for 4 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 2 RAZZIES®
CAT IN THE HAT, THE LOVE GURU

Rob Schneider
Nominated for 6 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 1 RAZZIE®
THE ANIMAL, BENCHWARMERS, DEUCE BIGALO: EUROPEAN GIGOLO,
GRANDMA’s BOY, THE HOT CHICK,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY, LITTLE MAN, LITTLE NICKY

John Travolta
Nominated for 6 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 3 RAZZIES®
BATTLEFIELD EARTH, DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE, LUCKY NUMBERS,
OLD DOGS, SWORDFISH
(Eddie Murphy hands down.)

Worst Actress of the Decade:
Mariah Carey
The Single Biggest Individual Vote Getter of the Decade:
70+% of ALL Votes for Worst Actress of 2001
GLITTER

Paris Hilton
Nominated for 5 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 4 RAZZIES®
THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE, HOUSE of WHACKS, REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA

Lindsay Lohan
Nominated for 5 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 3 RAZZIES®
HERBIE FULLY LOADED, I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, JUST MY LUCK

Jennifer Lopez
Nominated for 9 “Achievements,” “Winner” of 2 RAZZIES®
ANGEL EYES, ENOUGH, GIGLI, JERSEY GIRL, MAID IN MANHATTAN,
MONSTER-IN-LAW, THE WEDDING PLANNER

Madonna
Nominated for 6 “Achievements,”“Winner” of 4 RAZZIES®
DIE ANOTHER DAY, THE NEXT BEST THING, SWEPT AWAY
(She doesn't deserve to be considered an "actress".)

Worst Picture of 2009:
All About Steve
20th Century-Fox

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Paramount / Hasbro

Land of The Lost
Universal

Old Dogs
Disney

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
(Aka Trannies, Too)
Dreamworks/Paramount

Oddly enough, for the first time, I seen TWO of these already. And what's with all the "Land of the Lost" hatred? I know Wings didn't like it that much but did EVERYBODY hate it that much? Really? Weird. Anyway, I really think this is the year of Bay.

So vote for which Worst Picture you want me to watch/review. And I'll also watch the one that Won (if it's one I haven't seen.) This will probably be a strange year. With that said, no nominations for 17 Again? My Bloody Valentine 3-D? Paul Blart for cryin' out loud?? (Maybe that was last year. I don't remember.) Oh well. Let the Razzies begin!
-Jason

Razzie Post #3: The Love Guru

And with this review, I am done with the Razzies for another year. "The Love Guru" came in the mail today and my lovely fiancee Felicia said "Oh I've always wanted to see that." There hardly comes a time when we get to watch a bad movie together so I jumped at this opportunity and we watched it together.

"Love Guru" not only stars Mike Meyers, as Guru Pitka, but he also co-wrote and produced as well. A lot of the jokes in the movie you've seen in other Mike Meyer's films.

The basic plot is a hockey player, named Roanoke (played by the black dude from "The 40-Year-Old-Virgin") is having a rough time cause he broke up with his girlfriend Prudence. She's now banging Justin Timberlake, who's playing a French Canadian with a large dick. Honestly, he's got a large dick. Anytime they show him, they make a reference to his large dick.

So Jessica Alba, the owner of the team, and the tiny Coach Vern Troyer, hire Pitka to fix Roanoke's love life. From this point, there's a lot of words that stand for something (kinda like what Gary Busey does) and a lot of crude jokes about dicks, farting, pooping, spiting, and just fucking in general.

And of course Pitka falls for Alba, but he can't do anything about it cause of his chastity belt. Basically what it comes down to is Roanoke needs to get back with his girl AND stand up to his mom, played by the aunt from "Family Matters". And just when he gets the girl AND stands up to his mom, here come French J.T to make things worse by referencing his huge dong, which ruins Roanoke's last shot. Pitka realizes the only thing to save the game is...have two elephants fuck right on the ice.

I...wish I never typed that sentence in.

Anyway, this movie really isn't that bad. It's just kinda dumb and it's full of jokes you've seen before. And there are celebrities galore in this movie. There's:
Jessica Simpson
Val Kilmer
Oprah
Mariska Hargitay (which is a running joke throughout the movie cause instead of saying hello or good bye, Pitka says Mariska Hargitay over and over again)
Kayne West
and finally Mike Meyers.

Yes, he cameos in his own movie. I'm serious.

The funniest part was probably the announcers played by Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan. But that's probably cause they're funny on their own. As I said, this movie really isn't bad. I've seen worse (Norbit for example) but I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing this again.

I did leave out the singing. A lot of popular songs are turn "indian" style for some reason. Like "9 to 5", "More Than Words", and at the end of the movie "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band. I guess this is why the soundtrack needed it's own Myspace page.

-Jason

Razzie Post #2: Repo! The Genetic Opera

Oddly enough, this movie isn't really bad at all. It's just really weird.

Apparently based on a real stage opera, "Repo!" is about a world (in the not-too distant future, Sunday A.D) where getting surgery is the chic thing to do. One company, GeneCo, gives these surgeries but there's a catch: you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. If you miss a payment, then whatever you got surgery for, whether it be a kidney, heart, or even spine, a Repo Man will come and repo your organ.

We focus on Shilo, a 17-year-old girl with a mystery illness. One night while visiting her Mom's tomb, she witnesses a Graverobber, who gets some kind of chemical from dead bodies and sell it, which is apparently addictive. Shilo is cared for by her father Nathan, a doctor. It's revealed that he's GeneCo's Repo Man and he possibly has split personalities.

We then meet the head of GeneCo, Paul Sorvino (yes he sings, a lot, in this film) and he has three kids, one of whom is Paris Hilton, who are, um, different. One son is a royal asshole, one son likes to graft on human faces over his face, and Paris is addicted to Graverobber's drug.

Paul is about to die and he doesn't want to leave the company to any of his kids, so he picks Shilo, whose Mom use to date Paul but left him for Nathan, then Nathan accidently killed Mom. Yeah, it's like a real opera!

So Shilo must decide what to do while leaving the grasp of his father and figure out how to get rid of her illness. A blind chick who got robotic eyes rips them out on stage then dies, Paul dies without leaving a heir, and after finding out her dad is the Repo Man, and he got her addicted to Graverobber's drug, he dies. Shilo leaves to do god only know what, leaving the company to the three asshole kids.

The songs aren't half bad, and the only part I could do without with Paris Hilton's singing. There is a part where one of her surgeries don't go well and her face is deformed. I took a pic of it for you guys.



"The Love Guru" will have to wait until next week, since I don't have it yet. Boy. I. Can't. Wait.

-Jason

Razzie Post #1: The Hottie and the Nottie

You picked it, you got it. Here's my gut-wrenching review of the Paris Hilton Opus, "The Hottie and the Nottie".

After watching this movie, I know now what kind of sense of humor Paris Hilton has, since she did some kind of producing gig on this, which means everything that happened in this movie went by her first and she said "yeah, whatever, just include shots of my body. That's hot."

Oddly enough, it's not AS bad as you think it is. It's not good by any means, but I was expecting Uwe Boll-level of torture.

The movie focuses around Nate, who falls in love with Cristabelle, Paris Hilton's character, immedately in the first grade. But Cristabelle has a friend named June, who is the "nottie" in this equation. They show these characters as children and the kid playing Nate was really weird looking. Like his eyes were on the side of his face or something. And they really put on the ugly makeup on Kiddie June by having her entire nose like bleeding or something. I don't get the point of that, but whatever.

Flashforward to 20 years and Nate is in Maine, for some odd reason, and is going through a breakup with his girlfriend, who grabs his guitar and smashes it over him. She leaves, taking a single dresser drawer (cause that's funny according to Paris Hilton), then not only wrote "LOSER" on his car but proceeds to run him over with her car, which looks like the kind a car a douchebag guy would drive. Instead of getting killed, he survives and realizes he needs to track down Cristabelle. This involves going to L.A, which is I guess where he's from.

So he arrives in L.A in his Loser-mobile and meets up with his old friend Arno, who still lives with his mom. Arno has been keeping a creepy database on the whereabouts of Cristabelle, knowing when she goes for her morning jog and where she eats breakfast.

Nate arrives on a part of the beach where Cristabelle runs by and he meets an albino and a dude in a wedding suit. These are Cristabelle's stalkers. When Cristabelle runs by, you can expect a slow-motion shot of her perfectness bouncing down the sidewalk. Nate runs behind her and tries to sniff her hair, but she notices this and stops and as a result they go crashing into the sand.

Nate reminds Cristabelle who he is and she's like "cool" and they go grab breakfast. Nate asks her out and she says the timing is bad cause she made a promise to herself to stop fucking random people until her roommate June can get a guy. And of course she's still ugly as all hell. And this, my friends, is the plot for the remainder of the movie: A dude wants to bone Paris Hilton but he has to find a desperate loser for June.

And they don't spare any gross routine when it comes to June. Her hair is thin and stringy, she's got moles and acne everywhere, ugly teeth, and hair everywhere. It's like someone asked Paris Hilton to describe her worst nightmare and they took it seriously.

Nate's friend Arno, who keeps calling June "the Nottie" but it sounds like "Naughty", tries to help out by offering weird pieces of advice. Nate comes up with an idea to get a guy to date June. He puts up a flyer advertising for people willing to subject themselves to medical experiments. One guy calls and Nate tells him what he has to do. Oh and he has to be called "Cole Slawson", cause of a thing that happened when Nate and Cristabelle were out on a picnic. It's not really important.

Anyway "Cole" shows up and immedately throws up in his mouth on the sight of June. Nate keeps offering money to keep Cole there, so Cole starts downing a bottle of Jack Daniels. Just as Cole gets the courage to boink June, her infected toenaile flies off her foot somehow and lands in his mouth. Cole then jumps in the ocean and swims away.

Back and Cristabelle and June's place, they all drink and talk about how ugly June is. And that's all everyone does throughout the whole movie is just talk about how ugly she is. It's like they think we don't get it or something. Dude, it's called "The Hottie and the Nottie", I think we get it.

Nate then gives June a spa makeover package deal, which costs $2000. Jeez, where is he getting all this money from? Was his parents rich or something? Anyway, they see how depressed June is getting, and Nate really wants to munch on Paris' vajayjay, so he amps it up a notch in the weirdest scene I've ever seen.

Somehow Nate found Cole and has him tied up in a chair. Nate and Arno are putting weird wires on his body, then they hold up a picture of a model, I think it was Christine Brinkley but I wasn't sure and when Cole started drooling, Nate shocked him, saying "NO!". Then he showed a picture of June all ugly-fied and gave him ice cream, to make him think good things. But this isn't working, so it's time for hypnosis.

They tell Cole under hypnosis that anytime he sees June, he thinks he sees some hot alien chick that he wants to boink. And they come up with a trigger phrase to turn this off. So let's count how many movies we've ripped off. "There's Something About Mary", "A Clockwork Orange", and now "Shallow Hal". Oh and possibly "10 Things I Hate About You". Anyway the phrase is "I love midget mimes", which isn't common enough so it should work. And if you think that, you need to see more movies.

So all four go out on a date again at some pier in L.A, and Cole can't stop drooling over Jane, calling her a hot alien chick. And wouldn't you know it, there's a midget mime. And also wouldn't you know it, a little girl says "I love midget mimes!", which turns off Cole's hypnosis and he runs away at the sight of June.

The midget mime calls June up and draws her picture, but he put her face on the body of a horse. Before Nate can do anything, a young strapping guy comes up and dwarf tosses the guy. This is Johann and he shows interest in June. And he's just the perfect guy.

He's got a nice house, he's from "Europe" (Yes just "Europe"), he went to Harvard, he's a dentist, he helps out needy children, he's a model, and he can fly planes. Nate is jealous and Arno tells him that he's just using June as a backdoor to get to Cristabelle, so Nate has to constantly one-up him, including stopping him from taking his shirt off.

So of course two different times, Johann tries to take his shirt off and Nate tackles him. And during all this, June is finally doing something about the ugly stick she got beat with. She's seeing a dermatologist to remove all the warts and acne. She saw a foot guy to get her feet checked out, and she got some laser hair removal thing. Oh and Johann offered to fixed her teeth.

GASP! WHA?? You mean the Nottie is slowly turning into...A HOTTIE??? What will this mean for Nate? Is he slowly falling for June? NO!!

Yeah, you see everything coming right away. And you know Johann is up to something but we don't know what. When Nate tackled Johann, Cristabelle got pissed at Nate's jealousy and told him to leave. Three weeks later, Arno set Nate up with June and yep, she's a total hottie now. She doesn't look hideous and Nate is impressed. And of course more scenes of him falling more in love with June.

June invites Nate to a costume party and he dresses up like Speed Racer while Johann dresses up like...a dentist. Ok. Johann tells Nate that tonight's the night he's gonna do June a favor and de-virginize her and that's pretty much it. Nate is apalled that anyone would just have sex with a girl and leave her, much like what he was gonna do to...Cristabelle. Hm. Way to think about that, movie.

Cristabelle comes in wearing a wedding dress, farting up a storm, and acting drunk. We find out later she was testing Nate to see if he really loved her, but considering he's punching Johann for using June, I'd think he has the hots for June instead, but I didn't produce this movie so what the fuck do I know?

Nate and Cristabelle are alone and she puts on a skimpy outfit, so skimpy the guy playing Nate is like "FUCK! Why does the script have me NOT boning the shit out of her right now???" Instead, Nate confesses his love for June, who is trying to get out of being used by Johann.

Nate runs to Johann's looking for June but she's gone. Nate goes to the pier we were at earlier and she's there. Earlier, June gave this speech about how she's not the girl guys get out of breath for, but here since Nate was running he's out of breath, which turns June on. They kiss and...that's it. End movie.

The only bad thing about this movie is how predictable it is. You know from the start Nate isn't gonna get with Paris, she's just there to look hot. And the instant they mentioned June was doing something about her looks, you knew what was coming. I mean, hell, I've seen my fair share of John Hughes movies, I just knew how this was gonna end.

But the acting was pretty bad and not just from Paris. The dude playing Nate was also the main dude from "Hatchet", which is a pretty decent movie. But here, he's just bad. I'm guessing he didn't even bother with this one. Well anyway, I got one Paris Hilton Razzie out of the way, onto the next!

-Jason

The Razzie "Winners"

They finally announced the "winners" of the 2008 Razzie Award. As usual, they set their sights on two or three films and just let them have it. Below are the nominees, the stuff in italics are what I picked, the stuff in bold is what won.

Worst Picture:
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
The Happening
The Hottie and The Nottie
In The Name of The King:A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
I'm cool with me not getting this one right, I had a hard time picking which movie SOUNDS worse. Of course I'm gonna know myself next week. Unless I kill myself now. Which I'm considering.

Worst Actor:
Larry the Cable Guy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy-MEET DAVE
Mike Myers-THE LOVE GURU
Al Pacino-88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
Mark Wahlberg-THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE
Hey I got one! He really should branch out a bit and stop playing the same character (Someone with a weird accent that does weird things with his feet) over and over again.

Worst Actress:
Jessica Alba-THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
The Cast of THE WOMEN
(Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz-WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton-THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Kate Hudson-FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
Hey I got two! Maybe she'll stop appearing in movies now!

Worst Supporting Actor:
Uwe Boll (as Himself)-Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
Pierce Brosnan-MAMMA MIA!
Ben Kingsley-THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC. and THE WACKNESS
Burt Reynolds-DEAL and IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
Verne Troyer-THE LOVE GURU and Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
Ack, three out of four so far! Could I...really be getting a handle on this finally? Maybe I should start going to Vegas and picking winners on....something.

Worst Supporting Actress:
Carmen Electra-DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Paris Hilton REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
Kim Kardashian-DISASTER MOVIE
Jenny McCarthy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Leelee Sobieski-88 MINUTES and IN THE NAME OF THE KING
Aw damn. Seriously, if Paris won, Kim shoulda won too, since they have SOOOO much in common. (Do I really need to list what here?)

Worst Screen Couple:
Uwe Boll & ANY Actor, Camera or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher-WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore-HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy-MEET DAVE
I dunno, as much as I don't like Paris Hilton "acting" I think Larry The Cable guy should stop as well. And if the Razzie's aren't gonna tell him to stop, who or what will?

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll-1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King and Postal
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer-DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Tom Putnam-THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Marco Schnabel-THE LOVE GURU
M. Night Shyamalan-THE HAPPENING
Got another one! I knew they'd give it to Senor Boll this year. Even if they already made up a category just for him.

Worst Screenplay:
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans-Both Written By Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
The Happening-Written By M. Night Shyamalan
The Hottie And The Nottie-Written By Heidi Ferrer
In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale-Screenplay By Doug Taylor
The Love Guru-Written By Mike Myers & Graham Gordy
Yet again, I'm good with either.

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel:
The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good (The Day The Earth Stood Still)
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Speed Racer
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
UUUUGHH!!! NO! I promised I would let the anger die I promis-WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL??? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!! IT WAS A FINE MOVIE!!! I DON'T GET WHY EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD HATES THIS MOVIE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE???????
Ok...sorry. I stepped away from my computer, did some breathing. I'm fine. I'm fin-LEAVE INDIANA JONES ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Worst Carrer Achievement:
Uwe Boll (Germany’s Answer to Ed Wood)-Only nominee.
Nothing to say here.

So I got five out of nine! Hey, that's not bad! And as usual, the big "winners" just happen to be the ones you guys voted on. I saw on the Razzie site you can sign up to be a member to vote on which films should win or whatever. I'm totally thinking about it.
-Jason

PS: Sorry about the Indiana Jones rant. I honestly swear that's the last time I'm gonna mention it. Hopefully now that we got a whole new year ahead of us, we can just go our seperate ways. There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy, there's just you and me and we just disagree.

Razzie Poll Is Closed

Hot damn, you guys really want me to suffer, huh?

In the "worst picture" poll, there was a tie. So looks like I'm gonna be suffering through "The Hottie and the Nottie" and "The Love Guru/Guro". I wonder if you guys really thought there was a different movie called "Love Guro" and picked it just for the hell of it.

As for the "Other" Poll, looks like "Repo: The Genetic Opera" won, and looking at the cast list, it features Paris Hilton, so I get a double dose of Paris. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.


That's hot that's hot!

Oh and I still don't understand how one poll got more votes than the other. I mean, it should've been the same number of votes seeing how I had them both up at the same time. Did you guys not see the second poll or something? I'm really confused.

Anyway, as I stated sometime ago, I'm gonna be getting to these movies next week when I have a couple of days off to get to them. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the "winners" to be announced, which is happening later in the day instead of early in the morning for some reason. So stay tuned for that!
-Jason

The Razzie's '09

Alright, everybody. Here is the offical Razzie post for 2009. I'm slightly dissapointed but I guess I should expect it by now. As always, my choices are italicized.

Worst Picture:
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
The Happening
The Hottie and The Nottie
In The Name of The King:A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
(This movie should've never happened.)

Worst Actor:
Larry the Cable Guy
WITLESS PROTECTION

Eddie Murphy
MEET DAVE

Mike Myers
THE LOVE GURU

Al Pacino
88 MINUTES
and
RIGHTEOUS KILL

Mark Wahlberg
THE HAPPENING
and
MAX PAYNE
(I'm starting to agree, he's playing the same character over and over again.)

Worst Actress:
Jessica Alba
THE EYE
and
THE LOVE GURU

The Cast of THE WOMEN
(Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith
and Meg Ryan)

Cameron Diaz
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Paris Hilton
THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE

Kate Hudson
FOOLS’ GOLD
and
MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
(At least the other people on this list are suppose to be acting. I dunno why Paris Hilton bothers, really.)

Worst Supporting Actor:
Uwe Boll (as Himself)
Uwe Boll’s POSTAL

Pierce Brosnan
MAMMA MIA!

Ben Kingsley
THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC.
and
THE WACKNESS

Burt Reynolds
DEAL
and
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

Verne Troyer
THE LOVE GURU
and
Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
(I really don't wanna think about James Bond singing ABBA songs. Really don't.)

Worst Supporting Actress:
Carmen Electra
DISASTER MOVIE
and
MEET THE SPARTANS

Paris Hilton
REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA

Kim Kardashian
DISASTER MOVIE

Jenny McCarthy
WITLESS PROTECTION

Leelee Sobieski
88 MINUTES
and
IN THE NAME OF THE KING
(Out of everyone on this list, Kim Kardashian has the worst excuse to be "acting" in anything where she's not required to take her clothes off.)

Worst Screen Couple:
Uwe Boll & ANY Actor,
Camera or Screenplay

Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Paris Hilton
and either
Christine Lakin
or
Joel David Moore
HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE

Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy
WITLESS PROTECTION

Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy
MEET DAVE
(This is just a scary thought, thinking of these two as a "couple". Shudder with me, people.)

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll
1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King
and
Postal

Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
DISASTER MOVIE
and
MEET THE SPARTANS

Tom Putnam
THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE

Marco Schnabel
THE LOVE GURU

M. Night Shyamalan
THE HAPPENING
(I get the feeling Uwe is finally gonna "win" in this category.)

Worst Screenplay:
Disaster Movie
and
Meet The Spartans
Both Written By Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

The Happening
Written By M. Night Shyamalan

The Hottie And The Nottie
Written By Heidi Ferrer

In The Name Of The King:
A Dungeon Siege Tale
Screenplay By Doug Taylor

The Love Guru
Written By Mike Myers & Graham Gordy
(I keep picking on "The Hottie" cause it really is an idea that should've been put to paper, then showed to people obviously on drugs, then finally put on film.)

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel:
The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good (The Day The Earth Stood Still)

Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Speed Racer

Star Wars: The Clone Wars
(I just went with the obvious choice since the other movies I really don't have a problem with. I thought Speed Racer was good. Clone Wars don't look too bad. I really don't get why everyone picks on Indiana Jones but I swore I'd stop ranting about that.)

Worst Carrer Achievement:
Uwe Boll (Germany’s Answer to Ed Wood)
Since this is the only "nomination" it's rather pointless to italize it. It really seems like they wanna stick it to Uwe Boll in some way shape or form.

So now this is where YOU, the reader, comes in. I started this last year and I plan on doing again this year. I'm gonna make two polls. One with all the Worst Picture nominations and you pick which one (or two if you go with the Diaster/Spartan thing) I should do. The second, since they dropped the horror movie category this year, is gonna be a free-for-all, where I list all the movies that got nominated in all the categories and you pick which one of those I should watch along with the worst picture choice.

According to the site, The Razzie "winners" will be announce on February 21st (a month from now.) So I'll keep the poll up until Feb 20th. Then (hopefully) I'll get to the reviews the 21st and 22nd if my schedule allows. The polls will be hosted here on the blog off to the right.

And that's it. Feel free to tell me what your picks are.
-Jason

Razzie-Dazzie

So tomorrow morning, the Razzie Nominations will be announced. You know what that means?

What you don't know what that means? Oh jeez fine.

It means it's time for my annual Look At The Razzies, where I post all the nominations, make my guess, then put up a poll on which two films, one for "Worst Picture" and one for "Worst Horror" (if that category still exists this year) I should watch the weekend the "winners" are announced.

So stay tuned for that!
-Jason