Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Razzie's '10: Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

Holy fuck me sideways. This movie is way too fucking long. I just used two variations of the word "fuck" in the intro of this review, so that should give you some sign. This movie is so long I had to split the viewing into two days. This movie is so long my ass is now permently part of my chair. And this movie is so long, Ron Jeremy is jealous.

With that done, let's dive right into "Transformers 2: Lost in New York".

Some shit is being blown up in China and the Autobots are helping, either solving this problem or helping with the blowing up. I couldn't be sure. Any event, now that the Autobots are here on Earth, they joined forces with the military and formed a special unit called NEST. The leader of this is Agent Aaron Pierce from "24", and Mr. Fergie and Tyrese are pretty high ranking guys as well.

We then see what Shia Labeouf, who plays Sam, is up to. He's packing to go to college. He calls Megan Fox and apparently they're about to be broken up. But then she changes her mind and they don't break up. Pfft, women. Amirite?

Sam is going through the clothes he wore in the first movie when a piece of the all-spark thing falls out. When Sam touches this, he suddenly becomes smart. So his IQ went up to double digits finally! WOO!! The piece falls into the kitchen and all the kitchen appalinces turn into decepticons. As a result of this, they start attacking the family.

Bumblebee is there and he blasts a large hole in their house, which does stop the tiny decepticons but everyone's pissed off at Bumblebee. Why? He saved your fucking life! Ugh. Anyway, they go off to Sam's college.

Back at NEST, some douche shows up saying what they're doing is wrong cause all of China is destroyed. Honestly, I think they did them a favor. They can build from scratch now! Agent Aaron Piece doesn't like this douche.

Then we're introduced to the controversal robots, The Twins who talk like Eddie Griffin, have gold "teeth" and uses slang. I'm not sure if this is suppose to be outright racist or not. I've seen worse. I am a bit dissapointed they didn't do outright racist things but whatever.

Sam arrives at college and looking at the running time of this movie (being 2 hours and 25 minutes long) they could've cut this whole scene out. We spend about 10 minutes having Sam meet his roommate Leo. Leo runs some website that specializes in conspiracies and none of this has anything to do with the movie.

Another thing that has nothing to do with this movie? Sam's Mom eating pot brownies. This fucking "plot" goes on for wayyyy too long and again, doesn't serve any purpose. It wasn't even funny when she was high, I was highly annoyed.

Anyway, Sam is suppose to have a webcam chat with Megan Fox, but Sam got dragged to a party where he meets a hot chick named Alice, who might as well be Megan Fox's twin sister. Alice throws herself onto Sam cause she likes dumbasses apparently. Then Sam has a mental breakdown and starts writing weird alien symbols.

Bumblebee shows up to warn Sam about something that's happening. What's that something? I'm glad you asked. With all the websites and pot browies being giving screen time they barely fit in the actual plot of the movie. Which is this (and stay with me):

Megatron was sent to the bottom of the ocean for some reason. All the other decepticons are coming to his rescue and they somehow do. Megatron wakes up and flies up into space where Starscream is. They found the remains of some dude named The Fallen (Get it? GET IT!!! HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD REPEATEDLY WHILE POINTING AT THE TITLE! GET IT!!!!!) and The Fallen came to Earth a billion years ago to destroy the sun, and the planet in the process, but all of Optimus Prime's ancestors prevented this from happening and now The Fallen wants revenge and to finish what he started.

Phew.

I need a break.



Ok, back.

Back to Sam and Alice (That's much easier to write than the name they gave Megan Fox, which is why I'm calling her Megan Fox. I mean, the character is pretty much Megan Fox so whatever) and Bumblebee doesn't like Alice, so he does all sorts of weird crap like smash her face in with the seat and spray some sort of fluid on her. I'm sure she's used to fluids getting sprayed on her anyway. OH SNAP!

Anyway, Bumblebee takes Sam to Optimus Prime who tells him about the Fallen but Sam is like "fuck that noise, I got two hot chicks fighting over me! Lates!!" Sam goes to his astronmy class which is being taught by...Rainn Wilson?? Why are you in this?? Why does Michael Bay WANT to ruin funny guy's carrers? Who's gonna show up in Transformers 3: This Movie Will REALLY Suck, Zach Galifinakis? Jesus.




Anyway, Rainn Wilson is a borderline pervy teacher who's also kind of a douche. Sam has another breakdown in class and writes weird symbols on the board. Dwight kicks him out of class and Sam calls Megan Fox. Megan Fox is pissed about being stood up. While that's happening, a tiny decepticon that takes the form of a RV truck shows up at Megan's to take the piece of the all-spark. This thing is so stupid that Megan Fox outsmarted it by capturing it and locking it up. She then says she's flying to whatever college Sam's at.

Uh-oh! Bad timing. Alice shows up at Sam's dorm room to find Sam went crazy and writing alien symbols all over the place. He even wrote a symbol all over...oh FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!!



FUCK YOU!!!!

Ugh. I need a drink.



Ahh, better.

Alright, I wanna zip by this as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, there's still an hour and a half to go. Yeah.

Alice turns out to be a decepticon (hottest decepticon ever) and Megan Fox happens to walk in while Alice is dry humping Sam. Megan Fox knows no other girl could find him attractive so she calls bullshit and helps Sam fight Alice. Then more explosions! On a college campus! Yay!




Bumblebee is out having a smoke or something so he's not around. Leo tags along THINKING the aliens are after HIM. They hot-wire a car and escape only to have Megatron show up, take Sam, and threaten to cut open his head to take the symbols out of his brain. If he has one. Before that can happen, the Autobots FINALLY show up and save Sam's ass. An epic fight ensues and, well....Optimus Prime is killed.

Didn't he die in the other Transfomer's movie and everyone threw a shit fit? Why wasn't one thrown about this? I mean really?

Well, with Optimus out, The Fallen can now be The Risen and is much alive cause "only a Prime can destroy The Fallen". How convienient.

Sam needs help figuring out what the weird symbols he's drawing means so Leo directs him to a guy he talks to online. That guy? John Turtoro's character Agent Simmons. Only this time he's not an Agent, he's some smuck running a deli with his mom.



Sam and Simmons aren't happy to see each other but Simmons helps anyway by showing Sam pictures of the symbols all over ancient Egypt. Megan Fox brings out the tiny stupid RV decepticon, cause she's been "training him". I dunno when the fuck she was "training him" cause she flew across the country, then got into the shit with Alice and explosions and stuff. But whatever. The trained decepticon tells us that autobots and decepticons have been on Earth for YEARS! And some are still around. They find one in a museum nearby so now they have to break in to talk to him!

At the 2 hour mark, I made this exact face.

So we waste another 20 minutes of movie time by showing these guys breaking into a PUBLIC OPEN MUSEUM! Granted, they had to hide the fact one of their exhibits is a Transformer but whatever. They find him and he turns out to be a decepticon that turned cause he didn't like the direction they were going with the taking over the world shit. And he's a cranky senile old bastard.

The old Transformer tells them that The Fallen made this machine that can destroy the sun and, yeah I went through it already. So The Old Transformer then teleports everyone to Eygpt cause the sun destroying machine, and the key to turn it on called The Matrix (no kidding it's called The Matrix) is there. Somewhere. The old geezer gives them cryptic clues and off they go.

Here the movie REALLY fuckin' slows down. I mean SLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSS the fuck down. Some bantering. The Twins get screen time. There's this HUGE sideplot about Sam and Megan Fox not saying "I love you" to each other. Agent Simmons calls Mr. Fergie and tells them where they're at in Egypt and if they bring Optimus, they can bring him back to life with The Matrix. Huh? When was that said? I don't fucking know but that's now a plot. Here's the catch: Mr. Fergie and Tyrese are now discharged by the douche from earlier and they have to turn the remaining Autobots into scrap metal or something. Mr. Fergie finds a way around this by pretty much shoving the douche out of a plane and flying to Egypt. That was easy.

So Sam finds The Matrix and it turns to dust. Yeah, an advanced alien tool made of steel TURNED TO FUCKING DUST! Sam thinks the dust will still work. Yeah, go ahead and keep thinking that. So now they have to get to Optimus.

And holy fuck does it take FOR FUCKING EVER to get to Optimus. Pretty much the last half hour of this fucking movie is just this:









There. You just witnessed the last half hour of this movie, but picture a bunch of robots around the explosions.

Admist the firepower, Sam FINALLY gets to Optimus but gets blown up and pretty much dies. Sam goes to heaven, meets the dead Primes and tell Sam it's up to him to save the day and they return him to the living. During this, Megan Fox and Sam finally say I love you to each other. The dead Primes also turn the key dust back to a solid (So it was that easy, huh?) and Sam stabs Optimus with it. But that's still not enough. The Old Geezer Transformer shows up and gives him "his parts" to make him whole again.

Meanwhile, The Fallen shows up out of fucking nowhere, steals The Matrix, and activates the sun machine, which was hidden in a pyrimad. Simmons manages to hack into the air forces radio signal and tells them to bomb the shit out of that pyrimad. This sort of works but when Optimus Prime shows up, he simply blasts the machine and punches the shit out of the Fallen, finally killing him. Megatron and Starscream witnesses this and does a "we'll be back in the next unnecessary sequel!" and simply fly away.

After a triumphant speech by Optimus, the movie ends. THANK GOD!!!! And yes, they sorta forgot about the little RV decepticon. I did too. Wanna guess why? IT FUCKING HUMPS MEGAN FOX'S LEG!!!! I can't say I blame it, but why devote a whole SCENE to this. Ugh, I hate this movie. I hate everything about it. And yes I still hate Michael Bay.



Fuck you, Michael Bay.

The only saving grace was Megan Fox. She LITERALLY was just there for eye candy. She didn't do jack shit in this movie but stand around, with her tits out, and run beside Sam. THATS IT! I would give it one star for that but that's just being too nice and I don't wanna be too nice to this movie. It sucks. It's too fucking long and if they make a third one I'm gonna go crazy and bomb the shit out of Hollywood. Arrgh!

-Jason

2 comments:

nolahn said...

Love the way you paced yourself on this one. This movie is definitely more of an endurance test than actual entertainment.

jeanthebean said...

LOL nice review. get ready to bomb hollywood coz there's already a friggin' 3rd