Halloween Episode of The MILFcast

Tis the season to be spooked or something! I recently appeared on an episode of The MILFcast, where we talked about our favorite slasher movies and then I took on The Game! It was a lot of fun and hope you enjoy!

Click here to listen to the episode or subscribe on iTunes!

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Dracula A.D 1972

For this current B-Movie Meatloaf, we all had to watch a horror film featuring Dracula. Not just any vampire but Dracula himself. I decided to take this chance to watch a Hammer staple "Dracula A.D 1972". Cause that's what we wanna see: Dracula driving a AMC Gremlin.

Anyway, the film opens up in Ye Olde Times and Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is fighting Dracula (Christoper Lee) on a run away carriage. Eventually the carriage crashes and the wooden wheel gets impaled into Dracula, killing him. Finally at peace, Van Helsing also dies. But a guy with groovy mutton chops collects Dracula's ashes and saves them for another time.

That other time? The groovy '70s, baby! A group of late teen/early 20's British friends all crash some party held by old people and it's all very groovy and '70s. They manage to leave the party before the police (or coppers? Bobby's?) arrive. Not knowing what else to do with their time, the leader of their gang Johnny tells them to go to this old church at midnight and they'll do silly things like raise the dead and contact Satan. Y'know, regular things.

One of the girls in this gang is Jess, who is the great-grandaughter of...you guessed it: John Lennon. NO wait. I mean Van Helsing. And in fact Peter Cushing plays present day Van Helsing, so expect some awesome ass kickery later!

So Jess, her boyfriend, and other friends including the VERY hot Caroline Munro show up at the church at Midnight where Johnny mixes Dracula's ashes with his blood and he pours it on Caroline Munro, which raises Dracula from the dead! (oh, that was another Hammer film, my bad.) Anyway, Jess and the other friends manage to escape but Caroline Munro wasn't so lucky.

Anyway, things slow down for a bit when cops get involved in the murder of Caroline and try to figure out what happened. While talking to Van Helsing, he figures out that Dracula has returned from the grave (dammit, I did it again) and realizes Jess is in danger.

Johnny, meanwhile, is turned into a vampire by Dracula and he goes on his own blood sucking spree. Van Helsing is like "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING VAMPIRES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!" or something. Jess' boyfriend shows up and takes her to Johnny because he TOO is a vampire! And Dracula has a boner for Jess! So now it's up to Van Helsing to save Jess, stop Dracula, and possible save the world!

Van Helsing eventually figures out where Jess and Dracula is but she's still under his spell, so only killing Dracula will free her. So Dracula and Van Helsing fight to the DEATH...which lasts all of five minutes. It's a bit anti-climatic if you ask me but whatever.

Overall, it is a pretty good movie. I wasn't totally bored and it was interesting to finally watch a Hammer film. Yes, this was my first one. I know I know...but I did like it, so lay off! Anyway, having Dracula in the 1970's was an interesting turn but I feel it didn't REALLY go anywhere, out of having all the people say things like "far out" and "not my bag". But it was awesome seeing Peter Cushing kick some ass and seeing Christopher Lee play Dracula. Great performances all around. And of course...Caroline Munro.

This isn't from "Dracula 1972" but it's still a, uh, "nice" picture of Ms. Munro.

-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: Lake Mungo

I never really heard of this movie until I was doing research for this blogathon. I said "why not?" cause it's on Instant Watch. I didn't know anything about it going into it, and frankly (SPOILER ALERT FOR MY REVIEW) I kinda wish I kept it that way.

The set up is this. A family goes on an outing to a lake (not Lake Mungo, another lake) and the daughter Alice disappears. A few weeks later, they find her dead body in the water. After that, the brother Mathew decides to set up cameras all over the place and captures spooky shit happening all over the house, like figures roaming around late at night. They team up with a psychic named Ray to get to the bottom of this.

That sounds all simple, right? Here's the problem with this movie: IT TAKES TOO FUCKING LONG TO GET TO A POINT!!!! I've seen my fair share of boring movies before but holy fuckballs this movie is BOOOOOORRRRRING!!! Nothing scary happens, pretty much throughout the movie. There's maybe ONE really creepy thing toward the end that I'll mention in a minute but that's it.

Now, you're probably thinking, blind person hearing this review as read by your reader, "if the brother set up a camera and caught something, isn't that creepy?" Well, it kinda was but two things: 1. when they show the footage you don't know it's suppose to be a "ghost" cause it's too damn blurry and 2. (Maybe spoiler but who gives a fuck) the spooky footage wasn't a ghost...IT WAS MATHEW!! He was pretending to be his dead sisters ghost to....I don't even know. I think it was literally NO REASON!

So then the movie is just going on and on, being boring when they look at some footage again and find a NON-GHOST creeping in the background. They realize this non-ghost is their neighbor and he's looking for a sex tape he made with the dead daughter. While she was alive. It's not established how old the daughter was suppose to be so we're not sure how this plays out. I GUESS she was a minor cause the police was looking for the neighbor. But I forgot to mention this is an Australian film so I dunno.

Anyway, Mom totally forgot about Alice going to a school trip to Lake Mungo where she lost her cell phone and maybe something on there will give some answers to the nothing that's been happening. The family goes there, finds the cell phone, and here is where we get our only scary moment in the movie. Alice was visited by a ghost...OF HERSELF!!!! LE GASP!!

And that's it. Right after that, the family is like "Alice is at peace" and they move out of their house. And apparently when you're a ghost you can time travel cause we revisit some old pictures and I think we're suppose to see Alice in the background, but again it was blurry as fuck so it was hard to tell. There is kind of an interesting moment where Alice is talking to psychic Ray and her dreams are of her being a ghost in the present. That's about it.

Yeah, I was bored to tears. During parts of it, my mind would drift off and I'd think about other project I have going on or the latest movie I'd need to watch for The Lair or MILF and then I'd go "Oh yeah I should pay attention". Seriously, this movie is fucking boring. Just skip it.



-Jason

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf: Top Ten Favorite Horror Movies

In this episode, I list my top ten favorite horror movies that I own.

Enjoy!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #42: Literally A Zombie Holocaust

There are movies that Jason and Nolahn find hard to believe they exist. "Hard Rock Zombies" is one of those films. In this episode, hear them talk for a long time about this movie.

Also on tap: what Jason and Nolahn have been up to, they FINALLY get an email, and they Come Clean about which band or artist they would kill to bring back a dead one.

Found Footage Fest 2012: Man Bites Dog

I probably shouldn't have listened to Wikipedia on this one. I made up my list from their list of "found footage films" and this movie was on that list. I've been hearing for a long time to see this movie by Steve from 1001plus, so I said "sure why not?" Turns out, it's a bit less "found footage" and more "fake documentary". I GUESS the ending makes you think "found footage" but if I were do this movie, I could do "Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon" so whatever.

Anyway. "Man Bites Dog". I have no idea what to say about this movie. It's not an easy movie to describe. No, I take that back. It's an easy movie to describe but it'll be so fucking short.

A film crew follows around a serial killer. The end.

See? Sure, some stuff happens like we learn about his life a little bit. We learn he's a bit crazy. Maybe a mild asshole. We learn he makes his money from stealing it from the people he kills. There's a lot of talking scenes. A LOT OF TALKING SCENES. Oh and this movie is in French. I do not mind foreign films but it does get a bit tiring trying to keep up with dialogue constantly. Anyway, the killer is named Ben and the filmmaker is named Remy. I just felt like sharing that.

There really isn't a lot to talk about in this movie. I guess this is a mild black comedy but I really only laughed at one part and I'm a bit nervous to write it here...aw fuck it. I seem to be the Eminem of the LAMB lately, what's more controversy?!? FUCK DA POLICE!!!

So Ben talks about how "urban renewal" caused his...girlfriend? favorite prostitute? favorite old lady who happens to be a prostitute? to leave her house and move into another apartment or something. So he goes to the construction site to kill some guys and one of them includes a night watchman, who happens to be black. Ben goes on a rant about hiring black people to be night watchmen and how he doesn't like to touch black people because of the AIDS. Then he decided to see if black dudes really did have big dicks and apparently that is true.

The film moves along and eventually the film crew seem to get into the whole killing thing. At two different points they lose two different sound guys cause they got caught in some cross fire. Oh yeah, at random points in the movie, Ben is involved in shootouts with random people. One of them is a guy he was trying to kill but I dunno who the other shootout people were.

There's a point where Ben is hospitalized cause he's also a boxer (random, I know but it's a French movie so I excused it). A scene I liked was when he came home from the hospital, it was also his birthday. Remy, the grandma prostitute, his maybe girlfriend, and some guy we never seen before is there. The guy is super loud and obnoxious. Remy gives Ben a holster for his gun, which gives him an excuse to shoot the loud guy. This was funny cause everyone acted like this was normal. At one point, he tried to kill a postman while recovering but the postman gets away. And I guess this got Ben arrested cause suddenly he was in jail, accused of murder.

But then Ben breaks out and....immediately goes to all the places the cops should be looking for him like his parents house or this one chick's house who may or may not be his girlfriend. Turns some both the maybe girlfriend and his parents are killed, another shootout occurs where Ben, Remy, and the film crew are shot and the film ends.

That's all I can say about the movie, really. There's a lot of stuff that happens but it'll take too long to describe everything. Like when he decided to kill a family in the suburbs. Or when he kills an old lady. Or when he gets drunk while wearing a priests collar. Stuff like that just...happens.

I'm not sure what I thought of it. It was somewhat interesting and right when I was getting bored, there was dozens of shots of people getting killed so it got me interested again. I'll give it a middle of the road rating. It's not bad for a French film that seems to be fancy and gory at the same time. I still don't consider this a "found footage" film but fuck it, I wanted to do a review today anyway so here it is.



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: V/H/S

I often don't get to review theatrical releases here, mainly because I don't see a lot of horror films in theaters (thanks to the future wife, who doesn't like horror movies). But this time I made an exception because 1. I'm doing a month of found footage films and 2.I been wanting to see this fucking movie FOREVER! It's a found footage movie AND an anthology film?! Two of my favorite sub-genres!

So what's "V/H/S"? Here's the basic set up. There's a group of four guys who I don't think even had names. They like filming themselves destroying property and going up to random girls, ripping their shirts off, exposing their tits. Apparently they sell the tit footage for money. One guy, who'll I'll just call The 'Stache, tells the guys he got a job offer to sneak into some old guys house and find a videotape. Since it'll pay well, they agree to do it.

Upon arriving at the house, they find the old guy is dead and a shit ton of videotapes. While looking around, one guy decides to watch one tape.

TAPE #1: BEN FOLDS & THE DRAGON LADY

This was an interesting story because the footage comes from those spy glasses that look like regular eyeglasses. I guess these guys used it to be worn while fucking a girl. Anyway, the guy wearing them reminded me of Ben Folds. Like...a lot! Anyway, the beginning of this story (and the beginning of every story really) is typical found footage stuff with the guys acting like douchebags and going to clubs, picking up women. At one club, Ben Folds meets a very strange girl who I think I would find attractive if she didn't act so damn creepy.

Anyway, the guys take Creepy chick and another hot chick back to their hotel room and one guy tries to score with the hot chick but she passes out. Only because two other guys are in the room with him, he pretends to have honor and not do anything else but you know if it was just him and her he would hit that shit. Anyway, he moves on to the creepy chick and she gets into it, wanting to have a three-way. But then things get....interesting.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS STORY: ....... the creepy girl is actually some, I guess, dragon lady? I'm assuming? She suddenly gets all scaly and starts munching on the other two dudes. She seems to really love Ben Folds, but he's too creeped out to love her back, or at least pretend to love her back, so this pisses her off and she drags him off into the night. The end.

TAPE #2: BLAND COUPLE TAKES A VACATION

Two of the most white boring people on the face of the planet decide to take a vacation to the Grand Canyon. They get a hotel room, mess with the camera for a bit, go to one of those gimmicky psychic boxes like in "Big" (which was referenced in the movie) and gets a fortune but that doesn't go anywhere. And then things get creepy.

While both people are sleeping, a mysterious person picks up the camera and watches them sleep. I gotta tell you, I find shit like this creepy and it got to me. The person just rubs up on both people, then they stick the guys toothbrush in the toilet.

SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #2:.... the mysterious person was the wife's lesbian lover? And they kill the husband? Ok, this is the story I had the most problem with. One, it's not explained how the lover got into the hotel room when they clearly showed her locking the door. Two, where the fuck did this come from? They didn't build on this at all. They both seemed happy, even if they were both bland. I dunno, this was the one story I wasn't a fan of.

TAPE #3: TYPICAL HORROR MOVIE IN THE WOODS

I don't really know how to set this up. Take any random horror movie that happens in the woods, but have a pretty creepy killer. Oh and one of the hot girls is in on the whole thing. Spoiler? Maybe. I can't explain this one but I did like what they did with it. I could say this is the movie version of the popular online game "Slender". Y'know, anytime Slender shows up the screen gets all crazy and when he's near, things get intense. I love someone made a movie version of this. Although it's probably a good thing they didn't turn this story into an hour and a half cause it could get annoying, but here it was just right.

TAPE #4: THE HAUNTED APARTMENT

The ending to this story made no sense to me. I will talk about it, but here's the set up. The entire footage is from a Skype session. A dude is talking to his girlfriend over the internet and she keeps telling him she's hearing weird shit at night and things keep happening to her. The guy doesn't believe her at first until he clearly sees a ghost child run through. The girl has a weird thing in her arm and she keeps wanting to dig into it. Anyway, one night she decides to confront the ghosts but then...

SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #4: .......the boyfriend is in on it? And he's helping the ghost kids? By giving them the girls unborn child? I didn't really understand it. But that's what happens.

So at this point I thought it was over. Four stories is surely enough. And in between each tape, we get the four guys running around the house and somewhat creepy things are happening in the back.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE STUFF IN BETWEEN...... the old guy isn't really dead. He might be a zombie. Maybe. But he kills all the guys. And just when I thought it was over, we get one more tape, somehow.

TAPE #5: HALLOWEEN

Not that "Halloween". Anyway, ANOTHER group of guys all get ready to go to a Halloween party at some old house. They arrive at the house and find it's empty. Ghosts show up now and then, but then they hear weird chanting up in the attic. They go up to investigate and find a ritual is taking place, complete with a sacrifice. The guys go save the girl being sacrificed but then....

SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #5.....some evil force shows up and starts eating random people. Soon, the house suddenly comes alive, complete with disembodied hands popping out of the walls. They manage to escape the house with the girl but the evil force follows them, trapping them in their car and hey look they stopped on some train tracks...

And that's it. I loved the ending credits done in the style of an old VHS camera. Overall, I really did enjoy this movie. It was refreshing to watch a horror movie that wasn't watered down or "safe". All the filmmakers involved with this movie just went for it and the pay off was excellent. There's a lot of scares, some tension, and of course lots of tits. I was really happy with the overall outcome. The only complaints I had was a couple of the stories didn't make sense, there were some minor plot holes, and it did start to feel a bit TOO long since the start of each tape was your typical found footage set up, which normally takes up half the movie, but here it took up half the story. The only one that went quickly was the one in the woods, which is probably my favorite story out of all of them, despite them not showing any tits.

It was released last night in theater, but it's still a limited showing. If you can find it playing near you, and you loved GOOD horror, check it out!



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: The St. Francisville Experiment

One Guy: Hey I got an idea
Other Guy: Yes?
One Guy: That movie "The Blair Witch Project" sure is popular.
Other Guy: It sure is!
One Guy: How about we make a movie JUST LIKE that but instead....IT'S IN A HOUSE!!
Other Guy: You're a fucking genius! Here's $30 dollars!
One Guy: That's half our budget already!

Or something like that.

"The St. Francisville Experiment" starts off like a documentary with a guy telling us everything that we're about to see is totes real cause it wouldn't be a "found footage" film without that! Then we meet our characters. Paul is the leader, Tim is the camera man, Madison is the psychic/ghost expert, I guess, and Ryan (female) is...very fucking annoying. I have no idea what the fuck she was doing there but SPOILER ALERT she was REALLY fucking annoying.

Here's the scoop: a long ass time ago, some lady who name isn't important was discovered torturing slaves in her house. She managed to escape to a house in St. Francisville and this is the house our cast is going to spend the rest of the movie in.

I'm really gonna make this short cause there isn't a whole lot here. A good 45 minutes of them in the house is just them roaming around scaring each other and everybody acting like douchebags. Madison wants to do weird psychic stuff all the time, which gets annoying. Ryan screams at FUCKING EVERYTHING for no reason, and they don't find a lot of stuff.

There's one part that had me wondering if this was a spoof of found footage movies because they hear a noise in a cabinet and they take forever to open it and when they do....a fucking cat jumps out at them. I'm not even kidding. And they tried to play this seriously! It was stupid.

They finally go into the attic, which has the highest amounts of ghost activity and they film a chair flying across the room. Things start to pick up here but then they slow the fuck down when Madison says they all must separate and each go into a haunted room to rid the house of evil ghosts. It slows down cause Paul is chosen to go into the spooky attic and I swear to fucking god he spends 10 FUCKING MINUTES on the staircase whining about not wanting to go into the attic.

FINALLY they all go into their rooms and do a spell to release the evil spirits when all sorts of hell break loose. There's a creepy moment in Madison's room when we see a ghost appear in a mirror and attack her. Then Tim finds a secret passage way and is dragged by unseen forces. I'm gonna go ahead and spoil the ending because this isn't a movie I don't think you should waste your time with. Everybody gets out alive. Seriously. They all manage to escape the ghosts and the house and end up alive, just with insomina and nightmares. That's it.

So this movie was a giant waste of time. It had potential and there were some good scares, but unfortunately it wasn't enough. Skip this movie.



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: The Last Broadcast

Before I begin, I just want to thanks Bill from Outside The Cinema for bringing this movie to my attention. He did a list on his show a few weeks back of movies that are similar to "The Blair Witch Project". Knowing I was going to do this blog-a-thon, I took notes and realized I never heard of "The Last Broadcast". So I just wanted to give him credit for putting this movie in my life.

With that said...

"The Last Broadcast" is less "Blair Witch" and more kinda like "The Poughkeepsie Tapes". The big hullabaloo (like that?) is that "Poughkeepsie" wasn't around yet. But truth be told..."Blair Witch" wasn't around yet! LE GASP! ANOTHER movie about a group of people going into the woods and something spooky happens to them while capturing it on video? WOW!

The story is this. There's a public access TV show called "Fact or Bullshit Fiction" hosted buy two guys. One guy is named Mark and the other is named Locus. A problem immediately sprung to mind when I saw Locus. I was so fucking distracted because Locus looks ALMOST EXACTLY like Sebastian Gutierrez from Films From The Supermassive Black Hole! I mean LOOK!

Yeah, that's super fucking uncanny, it's weird.

Anyway, while I try to push that off to the side, Mark and Seb-er, Locus host this show that talks about the paranormal and stuff like that. The film is from 1998 but the story starts off in 1995, which means not that long prior this fancy new thing called THE INTERNET was unveiled. So using THE INTERNET, the hosts ask their audience for suggestions on future shows and they get asked to look for The Jersey Devil. If you're not familiar with that story, click here. It's too long to explain here. Or watch "The X-Files" episode about it.

So our hosts take that idea and run with it. They get a small crew together and just for laughs they bring along a guy who says he's psychic and his name is James. James acts weird throughout the entire ordeal, having a troubled past and being a reclusive. And look at that, he LOVES this INTERNET thing!

The story jumps ahead a bit as we learn Mark, Locus, and this other guy named Rein all were murdered out in the forest. Only James came back alive. Soon, a huge mount of evidence stacks up against James proving he murdered them and is sentenced to life in prison. This brings us to the "present" (RE: 1997) where a film maker named David is making a documentary about the murders and James.

So at times it does the whole thing of talking to random dudes who "knew" the victims, James' doctor, and other people that just say stuff. During all this, we see pieces of footage from that night in the woods and Locus changes a tape in the camera, but the new tape...is never found! UNTIL NOW!!!! OH NOES!!!!!1

It's played up all mysteriously, that this tape appeared on David's front porch one day in 1997 but the tape was damaged, so he and some chick named Michelle have to piece it all together to figure out what happened. They show parts of it and of course they want to "be real" and have the footage messed up so the sound goes in and out and the picture is distorted.

The footage shows Locus and Rein roaming around looking for Mark. They find a shitload of blood and soon someone behind them murders them. But the tape is too messed up to clearly make out who it is. WHO DID IT?! Was it James?! Mark?! The Jersey Devil! If you DON'T WANT TO KNOW, SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH AND GO TO THE END PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

...

...

Just in case...

Ok. So in the weirdest twist I've ever seen in a movie, the killer ends up being David, the film maker. Why? How? None of this is really explained. I'm going to assume it's symbolic of how the media wants to make a story so in order to do so, the media goes and kills people their own self or some shit. I dunno, it really wasn't explained. It left me royally confused. I am a bit pissed off about this ended cause I was invested in this movie and now it feels like it ruined it for me. I mean...that's it? It couldn't have just been a ghost or the actual Jersey Devil? It's kind of a let down. I guess this is why this movie didn't get as popular as "Blair Witch".

SPOILERS OVER.

Yes, the first part of the movie is interesting, then it gets creepy, then it will let you down. In terms of found footage movies, there are now way better ones to choose from, so maybe just avoid this one at all costs. Ok, if I changed your mind about wanting to see this movie, go ahead and read the spoiler. Yeah, stupid isn't it?



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012!

So if you seen the video I posted last week, you know the blog-a-thon I will be doing for the month of October is going to be Found Footage movies! There's a SHIT TON of found footage movies (I guess they're easy to make. OH WAIT THEY TOTALLY ARE EASY TO MAKE!) and I decided to watch as many as I could in one month. Over to the right is a list of films I HOPE to be seeing during this blog-a-thon. Notice a couple of those are theatrical releases. I've never done that before here, so I'm looking forward to that!

Any event, I'm looking forward to doing this and I hope you're looking forward to reading my reviews. I'm sure by Oct. 31st I will be out of my mind and SICK of found footage movies but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, here's to hoping I can last a month with this image on my site:

jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie
-Jason

King Kong vs Godzilla

I've seen this movie a few times before reviewing it now and one thing always baffles me. Which I'll get to later. And I know certain people care about these things, so if you're one of them, and you don't wanna know who wins the big fight, don't read this review, or at least the end of it.

American news anchor Eric Carter sits in his giant roulette table in outer space and reports that some crazy ass shit is going down. This doctor dude went to this island, found some sort of berry where if you consume it, you'll pass out instantly. It's like vodka in berry form. The doctor says the people on the island are rather stingy about who gets these berries cause they mainly use it to feed their giant god, who has been unseen by outsiders.

Taco (I thought it was Tyco but everyone's clearly saying Taco), a guy who runs a TV station in Toyko, decides to send some guys to this island to bring back this giant god so it'll sing and dance and delight the kids. I think this plot has been used before (Mighty Joe Young, Gorgo, Barney...what you think it's just a guy in a purple suit? Get real!), but that don't stop Taco.

So off goes Sakari and the Nervous Guy, whom I'll name Steve cause it's much easier to type then Nervous Guy, and even easier then whatever his name really is. They, along with the Japanese Gilligan, who I'll just name Gilligan, arrive on the primative island.

Meanwhile, a bunch of knuckleheads on a submarine end up blowing up a glowing piece of rock. It turns out this is Godzilla's fortress of solitude and he's rather pissed off. So he kills the people on the sub and heads to Japan to sow his wild giant oats.

Sakari, Steve, and Gilligan are roaming around the island when, for some odd reason, a giant octopus attacks. Where does he come from? What does he want? Why is he there? We don't know because everyone starts shooting at it. Well, more like start shooting the wall where his image is displayed. The graphics and special effects in this movie isn't exactly Lucasfilm material. Well guess who shows up to destroy the monster and make calimari for everyone?

Donkey Kong. No wait. His brother King Kong. He basically tells the octopus to am-scray, this is my turf, and it does so. Then he gets drunk on Soma (the berry drink) and passes out. The natives start dancing and singing to his tribute. Sakari and Steve kidnap him.

This is one thing I don't understand about this movie. Kong is being carried on a raft by a bigger boat. When Taco arrives via helicopter (Mission Accomplished) and they look at Kong, Sakari mentions not to push down on this plunger because it's connected to the dynamite that's on Kong's raft.

...WHAT?!?! Why would they put dynamite on the raft if they plan on bringing him to Japan all safe-like? This makes NO SENSE!!

But then we realize what the film makers were going for. The Japanese goverment storm the boat and tells them that Kong must be destroyed because he's considered a menance (duh!). So while trying to blow him up, he gets free and chaos ensues.

So now both Godzilla and Kong are stomping around Japan. Everyone's in a big panic and it isn't long before Kong has flashbacks to that day in New York SOOO long ago...hey didn't he die? Hm, maybe not. Anyway, he snatches up Flamaco and climbs a tower and bellows loudly.

Sakari and Fajita splash Kong with Soma and soon he passes out. Realizing the only way to get rid of these two giant problems is to have them fight it out on Mount Fuji! So off they go and it's quite a fight.

Spoiler! Ok, you've been warned.

It looks like Kong is gonna lose but since electricity makes him stronger, and there just happens to be a lighting storm nearby, he comes back to life and kicks Godzilla's ass! That kinda sucked for me cause I happen to like Godzilla.

And that's my other problem with this movie. Godzilla is a Japanese product. So why are all these Japanese people rooting for King Kong? That just seems wrong. And another thing is for some odd reason when this was Americanized, instead of just dubbing the voices into English, which is normal, but they added scenes of American actors talking about Godzilla and King Kong fighting and stuff. It doesn't really make any sense.

Besides all that stuff, this is a fairly entertaining movie. I like that Taco guy. Look out for his classic line "NNNNNNNNNNO!!!!!!!!!!" It'll make you laugh for hours and hours on end.



-Jason

Godzilla vs Mecha-Godzilla

This is the second Godzilla film I've covered. The first being "King Kong vs Godzilla". I'm not a huge fan of the giant monster from Japan movies. I don't have a problem with them, they're just not my cup of tea. But if I had to pick a favorite monster, I would go with Godzilla. Godzilla movies (at least the small handful I seen) are a bit different than say a Gamera film. First off, not as many annoying kids. Yeah, some films do have annoying kids, but not all of them. But then Gamera is a "friend to all children" so I guess you'd have to load your film with young kids.

"Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla" I've now seen four times and each time is better than the last. My favorite viewing of it had to be at B-Fest in 2008. Whenever you get to watch a movie with a group of rowdy B-Movie fans, especially sleep deprived ones, it's always a good time.

So we start with a girl, Nami, doing some dance in front of some tourists. Nami suddenly stops, has a vision of some previous Godzilla films (I wanna say it was Ghidorah but don't quote me on that), then passes out. When she wakes up, she says some monsters are going to attack. Well, no shit. You live in Japan. Monsters attack every other week.

Meanwhile, Masahika (I'm calling him Masa for short) goes exploring in some caves and he finds some weird metal thing on the ground. It is rather shiny so I could understand how someone would be distracted by it. Meanwhile, Saeko shows up at the cave, taking pictures of everything. Written on the walls are some crude drawings that Saeko translate. Something about two suns, black mountains, and some monsters. Again with the monsters. Also in this cave is a small statue of King Caesar, some god worshiped by the Azumis, an ancient tribe. Also Nami is a decedent of this tribe.

Saeko takes the statue to her lab and of course she's all alone in this lab, so not one but two guys sneak behind her and watch her work on this statue. I guess both guys freaked each other out so they don't attack her right then and there.

Soon, she's on an airplane and she meets Shimizu (Shim for short) and they seem to hit it off, so quickly that they immediately talk about the statue and the Azumis prophecy about the monsters and shit. Meanwhile, one of the sneaky guys from earlier is now on the plane. He looks like a Japanese Johnny Cash, with the black coat and cool sunglasses. You never really learn what his deal is until the end of the movie. But his coolness is no match for what's happening outside the plane: a giant floating black mountain! GASP! IT'S 2012!!!!!! Oh wait...

Shim was one of the tourist at the beginning when Nami has her stupid vision and the way he flashbacks about this? Showing the same scene in multiple boxes on the screen. What, does he have the memory of a fly or some shit? The fuck.

Anyway.

Turns out Shim and Saeko are heading to the same place, Professor Miyajima (Miya). He's Shim's uncle. And Masa is Shim's brother. Or something. I don't wanna be accused of being racist by saying everyone in Japan is related to each other. Any event, they're studying the statue when one of the creepy guys from earlier breaks in with a gun, demanding the statue.

Shim gets the jump on him and a struggle ensues. I'll make a note here that the Professor did NOTHING during the struggle, even when the creepy guy, now gunless, was putting a pillow over Shim's face and almost suffocated him. I swear at B-Fest, we shouted "DO SOMETHING, ASSHOLE!" throughout that entire scene. Eventually, Shim overpowers creepy guy and he runs away, without the statue. NO THANKS TO THE PROFESSOR!! No wonder he's referred to as "and the rest".

So Nami's grandfather is hilarious in this movie. Anytime he's comes on screen, he's just stumbling around, screaming, looking like he's spazzing out over nothing. Here, he's freaking out about the statue being missing and him needed it to make King Caesar arise in case the prophecy does come true.

Meanwhile, Godzilla shows up. Just like that. He shows up and starts attacking Japan. He knocks building over, and he's just a major asshole all of a sudden. Everyone is confused by this and think he's just stoned or something. I call it the "Charlie Sheen Effect". (That's right, I'm keeping this review current!)

At one point one of Godzilla's friends Anguirus shows up. After admitting I don't watch many Godzilla films, I'm gonna come out and say I'm not familiar with Anguirus. I know he's mentioned on the back of the DVD case, and Shim thinks it's odd that Godzilla is attacking him. Well, Godzilla and Anguirus fight for a few minutes, with Godzilla kicking his fucking ass. Anguirus gets all emo-y, runs back home, and puts on The Smith's "How Soon Is Now" to get over the pain.

So Godzilla spends most of the day just stomping on Japan. If I was a Japanese person and this happened every other week, I would've just moved by now. Eventually, ANOTHER Godzilla shows up! WHA????? Yeah, people are confused but things become clear when the new Godzilla starts kicking some ass and it's revealed the first Godzilla....is a Cyborg!

To prove this, we go to a scene of some guys who are aliens, living in a swank underground bachelor pad. I kept expecting Quagmire to be sitting in the corner. Giggity. Anyway, the head alien, who has some burn mark around his left eye so I called him Left Eye, is proud of his MechaGodzilla. Oh so here's something I wanna talk about.

When Godzilla reveals the robot Godzilla, the "and the rest" is like "Oh of course. He's a robot. A MechaGodzilla if you will", but it turns out the aliens ACTUALLY named him MechaGodzilla! WOW! Good guess Professor! Anyway, just a quick aside. MechaGodzilla and Godzilla are fighting and MechaGodzilla is somewhat winning. Godzilla gets one good lick in, which damages MechaGodzilla. Left Eye calls MechaGodzilla back home while Godzilla goes off to lick his wounds.

The Professor notices a silver brick and realizes it came from MechaGodzilla. So I guess did shit bricks when the real Godzilla showed up. This looks like the piece of metal Masa found and the major conclusion: SPACEMEN!! While talking about this, Shim notices the Professors pipe. Yes, I want to talk about this.

The DVD I was watching puts as default the original Japanese dialogue with English subtitles. I set it up so the dialogue was in English along with the subtitles and not only did I get the following awesome lines of dialogue:

The Professor is like "well I made this pipe out of-" some long metal name. But hilariously, the person typing the subtitles didn't know what the fuck he was saying so he did the following:

God I fucking love this DVD. Oh, and the pipe is able to take out electrical equipment. Hmm...that WON'T be important later on.

Moving on, MechaGodzilla is damaged so Left Eye wants it repaired. The only person, and I mean THE ONLY PERSON who can fix it: The Professor. AH! Maybe The Professor is an alien and that's how he knew MechaGodzilla's name!!

The Professor wants to check out the cave Masa found the first piece of metal. Shim and Saeko meanwhile take a Carnival Cruise. Why? I don't know. But they have the King Caesar statue. I guess they're gonna return the statue to Nami and her hilarious grandfather? I dunno. But on the boat is Japanese Johnny Cash and the creepy robber!

The creepy robber breaks into Saeko's room, looking for the statue. Pfft, like she'll keep that in her bright plaid suitcase, covered by a sweater! Only a moron would-oh, that's exactly what she did. Hm. I think the Japanese don't like women a whole lot.

Meanwhile, Godzilla is somewhere and it's raining. Man, even Godzilla can't get away from the cliche of having it rain on you while you're upset or down. Anyway, he's standing and soon he's struck by several bolts of lighting. Just like all things made in Japan, he needs to be recharged before using.

The creepy robber sneaks away with the statue but Shim finds him and fights him again. Shim shoots the guy and something shocking happens. The robber....turns into a Ape from Planet of the Apes!! I have no idea why this happens!! But he does! Shim is shocked by this, while the robber ape runs away with the statue.

Shim chases the ape, who in true ape fashion, flings stuff at him. Finally, the ape corners Shim and is about to kill him when a gun comes out of nowhere, kills the ape and he falls overboard with the statue. Saeko wakes up and learns her brilliant plan of hiding the statue didn't work.

But none of that is important because Shim hid the REAL statue in the captain's safe! HAHAHA!! So what was the point of chasing the robber ape? Especially after turning into an ape? Whatever, they've landed on the island of Azumis I'm assuming.

Back at the cave, the professor, Masa, and Ikako, the professors daughter (maybe Masa's sister?) are rooting around when the aliens find them. They take them to Left Eye and he tells the professor he has to fix MechaGodzilla or else!! I love that Left Eye has the balls to ask an Earthling to help him fix a monster that's going to be used to take over Earth. Granted, he's threatening him but still. Monster sized balls on this guy.

By the way, this is the huge downtime where Godzilla isn't seen again until the climax of the movie.

The Professor fixes MechaGodzilla and wants Left Eye to let them of. Of course he'll let them go...go to DEATH!!! Left Eye shoves the Professor into the same room as Ikako and Masa and soon the sauna room from Hell is turned on.

Shim and Saeko learn the Professor is missing so Shim goes to the caves to look for them while Saeko does girly things. At the caves, some aliens find Shim and before they can kill him, Japanese Johnny Cash shows up and kills one alien and disarms the other. He reveals himself to be an Interpol agent and that he's gotten wind of this whole alien thing for awhile. When Shim and his gang inserted themselves into this whole mess, he's been following them. So...where was HE when creepy ape guy attacked earlier?

Agent Japanese Johnny Cash makes the surviving alien take them to their headquarters. He sneaks them in and soon they start kicking ass. They find The Professor and the other two sweating to death in the room and let them out. They leave the headquarters and go to Shim's car, but the Agent notices something's wrong and realizes the car is set to explode. Damn.

The Professor wants to go back and stop MechaGodzilla cause he's feeling guilty. Masa and the Agent go with him, while Shim and the two girls go to Nami and her Grandfather to get King Caesar to wake up. Shim and the girls (Shim and the Girls first album King Caesar coming this Spring) arrive and place the statue on an altar but King Caesar is still passed out. Nami knows what she must do: SING! The Grandfather explains that only a direct descendant of the Azumis can wake King Caesar. So she's basically an alarm clock. Too bad he didn't press snooze.

Ok, seriously, the song wasn't bad. It sounded like a Frank Sinatra song. I don't know where the jazz combo band was at but it was a nice touch. Meanwhile, The Professor and his team is too late to stop MechaGodzilla cause he left the headquarters to go fight King Caesar. So they go to the main room where Left Eye is but they get themselves caught like idiots. Maybe think before you rush into a room next time guys?

So MechaGodzilla shows up. King Caesar is like "OK OK OK I'M UP! STOP SINGING!!" and wakes up and immediately does battle with MechaGodzilla. While watching the fight, the Agent reveals his ring can transform into a lock pick. Don't ask how that's possible. Meanwhile the Professor unscrews his handy pipe.

The battle royale starts when Godzilla returns and gets in on the action. MechaGodzilla is kicking both their asses. Godzilla says "I've had enough of this shit" and reveals to have magnetic powers. Ok, to anybody who follows Godzilla a lot more closely than I do, I gotta ask: is this something he always could do? If so, when did that start? Granted, this is probably the first time his foe is made of metal, but still.

Anyway, he magnetizes MechaGodzilla and when he gets close enough, Godzilla holds him while King Caesar punches him in the stomach. If you're a geek like me, you know this move cause you were often in MechaGodzilla's spot. Oh college...

The Agent gets loose, he grabs the Professor's pipe and it breaks MechaGodzilla's controls. The agent manages to kill all the aliens and they run out of the headquarters. With no one controlling him, Godzilla fucking destroys MechaGodzilla until he explodes.

King Caesar high fives Godzilla and goes back to sleep. Godzilla goes back into the ocean until he's needed again in two weeks. Everybody reunites, Nami puts the statue away until they need it in a future sequel and everything has a happy ending. Except Tokyo, which needs to be rebuilt again.

It's stupid as shit but fuck, I love this movie, especially the DVD. I can't recommend this movie high enough. I'm sure someone is going to tell me there are better Godzilla films, but until I come across it, this will forever be my favorite one. You know, there's only one word I can use to describe this movie and that word is ????




-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #41: She's Got A Hard Ticket To Ride

Jason and Nolahn welcome Dylan Fields of Man I Love Films on the show to discuss the Andy Sidaris classic "Hard Ticket To Hawaii". Also discussed is Dylan's prize package he received for winning a contest and the term "gun porn". And finally, Dylan takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

This Year's Blog-a-thon Will Be...

ATM

While I was renting "Cabin In The Woods" (short review: fucking awesome movie), I saw this little movie as well. Looking at the cover, I formed the movie in the head and said "That's so fucking ridiculous. I must watch that." So I rented that as well and now here we are. I have see this movie! Yeah! That's more then YOU can say.

Sorry I got snippy. This movie left me in a foul mood.

Alright so we meet David who does one of those fancy jobs where he takes cares of people's stocks or some shit and he's in love with Alice Eve, who played the 10 in "She's Outta My League". But he can't get the nerve to talk to her. So David's friend Corey convinces him to not only stay for the Christmas party but talk to Alice Eve. Yes, I actually forgot her name. My brain is quickly erasing this movie so I better write fast.

David agrees to stay even though he's in a bitter mood about losing a client or something and during the party he gets the courage to talk to her and ask her out. She agrees and also agrees to let David give her a ride home. The problem is David is Corey's Designated Driver so he has to take him home too. This makes for an awkward car ride.

Along the way, Corey wants to get a bite to eat but he needs money so he asks David to stop at the next ATM. They find one and Corey goes to use it and the ATM comes to life and eats him. The end.

Ok, no. I only wish that would happen. Instead through a very annoying character development, David and Alice Eve go into the ATM with Corey. To explain, it's one of those small ATM vestibules with a locked door and you need your debit card to open the doors. Anyway, now that all of our characters are in this ATM room, let the fun begin!

They notice a guy in a winter coat standing outside the ATM, just standing. Only Alice Eve wants to stay in the ATM while the guys are willing to ignore the guy and just leave. But before anyone can do anything, another guy shows up and our Killer goes up to him and kills him for no reason, to prove he's a bad ass. So now that they know he's serious, the shit begins.

That's more or less the movie. The three of them are trapped, not knowing what to do. They try several things to get out like writing HELP on the window, getting a security guard's attention, and finally just make a run for it. The killer manages to kill the guard and stay one step ahead of everybody. And when he's not out front just standing there, he's in the back trying to get a back door open. It's never explained why he wants to open this back door because when it goes to the inside, you don't see the back door. So...I dunno.

Alright, I'm getting bored writing this fucking review so let's just go through it quickly, shall we?

A guy suddenly bursts into the room and they think he's the killer but after killing him, they realize it's not and feel bad.

Corey decides to make a run for it and he runs into a fishing line the killer put up. The killer then comes and kills him.

David keeps trying to kick in the ATM hoping it'd get some the cops attention but that doesn't do any good.

The killer finally gets bored (like us) and manages to get a fire hose into the ATM and fill it with water while blocking the front door. Then the killer grabs a seat outside the ATM and watches all the fun.

David and Alice Eve decides to activate the fire alarm by starting a fire but Alice Eve slips on some water and this kills her.

The killer drives ANOTHER car through the ATM, which allows the water and David to escape. David manages to make a Molotov cocktail and thinks he set the killer on fire but he hasn't. Then the cops show up and of course, the cops think David lost his fucking mind and arrest him. THEN WE GET A TWIST ENDING!

SPOILER ALERT we never find out who the killer is. And he just some dude who plans murders around ATM's...I guess. Anyway, THE END!

The only reason I kept watching was to see if we ever find out who the killer was but we don't, so it's a frustrating boring film. I guess people might like the fact the killer was just some guy out ruining people's lives but they kept hiding his face, making it seem like it was someone we knew. I dunno, I don't recommend this movie in the least bit. If you want something better, watch "Frozen". This is almost the same movie, minus the pissing and wolves.



-Jason

I Also Have Adventures When I Leave My House: The Chicago Meet Up

(Title thanks to Nolahn from The Bargain Bin Review)

Sometime in the summer, I got an email by fellow LAMB and good friend Tom Clift of Movie Reviews By Tom Clift, who is from Australia, saying he's coming to America. Looking over the cities he would be hitting up, I saw he was coming to Chicago. Being that A-I use to live in the shadow of Chicago for 28 years and B-It's still about a 3-4 hour ride away I said "Fuck yeah!" Tom wrote back saying "...what?" And I said "Oh sorry. I meant to say FUCK YEAH I'LL MEET YOU IN CHICAGO!"

As an added bonus, Steve Honeywell from 1001plus emailed as well saying "Yeah me too!" Awesome! I get to meet TWO awesome LAMB members for the price of...however much it'd cost me to get up there. Hmm...Greyhound bus+train ticket+food....man it was pricey.

But that don't matter. We agreed to meet up at a really awesome pizza restaurant that's across the street from The SEARS Tower (What you talking about Willis?) because if an Aussie Bloke is gonna come into MY city, he's gonna eat REAL food. Because of my train, I got to the restaurant about 25 minutes early. I texted both Tom and Steve telling them to look out for a short haired goofy looking bastard in a Human Centipede T-Shirt outside the place. While I was waiting, something interesting happened.

A real fancy and sleek black towncar pulled up right in front of me and my thought was "Whoa, is Tom a celebrity in Chicago?" A driver got out and opened the back door and....a girl got out. She looked...familiar. She looked like...

Nah.

Anyway, the girl looked at the SEARS Tower, got immediately back in,  and the car drove away. Ok then.

Not too long after that Tom showed up. I recognized him not only from his Twitter picture but his work on The Vlog (watch the latest episode if you haven't, it's full of talent if you ask me) and we greeted each other. After about two minutes, Steve showed up and we went inside to eat fucking awesome pizza!

We talked a bit, mainly about the difference in food between America and Australia and me and Steve recommending what types of food to try out while he's in town. After we were stuffed by stuffed pizza, I decided to take Steve and Tom to a store I LOVE going to: used DVD shop!

This involved getting on the "L" train. Thankfully, the place was RIGHT at the train stop. Unfortuately, Steve and Tom learn something about me that many people don't know about me: I have a tiny ass bladder. I have to pee constantly. So we found a place with a public bathroom and it was one of those bathrooms that only took one person at a time, so something funny happened: we all had revolving conversations. When Steve was in the bathroom, me and Tom talked about The Simpsons. When Tom was in the bathroom, me and Steve talked about the Batman films and how Steve doesn't like one of them. I'll let you guess which one, and then tell you that you are wrong cause he doesn't like one of the popular ones. Shocking, I know. Anyway, while I was in the bathroom, they talked about Tim Burton and got a cute girl who was waiting to use the women's bathroom involved in the conversation. Lesson learned: Tom and Steve without me can attract cute girls.

Anyway, we then went to the shop and all three of us was in heaven. We just kept pointing to DVD's and asking each other if we seen them. Tom says he has a hard time finding good uncut versions of certain movies back at home. Steve found some movies he's been looking for. I found some great movies based on titles alone, along with a couple other awesome movies. I'll share those in an upcoming DVD Shelf video. There was ONE movie I ALMOST bought but the cost bugged me. It was the first Pumpkinhead film, and they wanted 15 bucks for it. I really wrestled with it in my head but decided to wait. God, I hope I don't regret that.

After half an hour or so, we decided we needed to leave before we spent all of our money there. Steve wanted to go to a small bookshop next door and that was an interesting experience because the owner was some cranky old guy who wanted us to turn our cellphones off, put our leftover food on the counter, and GET OFF HIS LAWN!! He might've talked to a chair at one point, I wasn't sure.

Anyway, my reason to bring this store up was the porn section. Yes, a musty old bookstore run by a cranky guy had an interesting porn section. There was old issues of Playboy, old issues of Celebrity Skin (Google it if you're not familiar. And you're welcome) and the best thing of all, OLD SCHOOL VHS PORN! The ones that came in those giant ass boxes. I was tempted, really tempted, to buy one of them. But that would've been awkward walking around with it. Maybe next time...

After that, we just kinda walked around everywhere, showed Tom some cool buildings which he took a lot of pictures of, talked about all kinds of movies and our lives and stuff. At one point Tom and Steve talked about sports and I tuned out. Mainly cause I needed to use the bathroom. AGAIN. Oh and we talked about the plain vs peanut M&M controversy I was involved in last month. Thankfully, Tom and Steve were on my side. PLAIN M&M's ALL THE WAY BABY!!!

One stop we made was at Millennium Park to visit the famous Bean AKA Heaven's Gate. If you're ever in Chicago, go check it out.

While thinking about what else to do, Steve gets the wonderful idea to take Tom to this restaurant for dinner called Ed Debevics. If you are not familiar, their whole thing is they are purposefully rude to you, but in a fun way. They throw straws at you, just say "WHAT?!", and even sit down next to you while you order. So naturally, when our waiter found out Tom was Australian, the place went crazy. They kept asking him to say things, they asked about eating kangaroos (Yes they eat kangaroo), and other stereotypical things. Thankfully, Tom is a wonderful sport and LOVED the whole thing. To put the perfect cap on it, they played this song:



During all that, we talked some more. Tom told me about some awesome upcoming horror movies he saw in Toronto like "V/H/S", "The ABC's of Death", "John Dies At The End", and the documentary on 'The Shining" called "Room 237". After I got extremely jealous he got to see all these movies I've been dying to see, we left (after I peed roughly 20 times) and not knowing what else to do, we just went our own separate ways. But first we took this picture:

TOTALLY SERIOUS AND MAYBE MUSHY MOMENT AHEAD:
It was really awesome to meet both Tom and Steve. I wish I could hang out with them if not every day at least once a week. If anyone reading this ever gets the chance to meet either of them, I say do it because you will not only have a good time but you might just learn some shit. Tom, Steve: seriously guys if you ever find your way in Indianapolis, come look me up. I will hang out with you guys anytime.

Now if you excuse me, some of this kangaroo meat Tom gave me needs to be put away.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #40: Beats Watching Jersey Shore

In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn discuss the 1986 film "TerrorVision", which must be seen to be believed.

Before that, we get a winner a contest Jason completely forgot about and they discuss what movies would make good TV shows. It's definitely the most epic Come Clean ever.

The Soto List: Top Five Controversies I've Been Involved In

You wouldn't know it by looking at me or reading my website but apparently I'm the biggest troublemaker this side of Hitler.

A face only a mother could love.

The year isn't even over yet and already I've been through a shit ton of drama. It's hard to believe it but I can literally count five instances in the past 9 months that's been such a huge pain in my ass. You reading this may or may not be aware of these problems, so I'm gonna just blow it all open right now and reveal them all to you. Here goes.

5. A few months back, some friends of mine decided to let everyone know how hot these certain girls were. I agreed. We all were at Burning Man and it got to about 110 degrees and a lot of girls were sweating. My two friends were like 'hey you're hot' and the girls were like "NO!" And I said "Uh...there's nothing wrong with us telling you about your pitt stains. Besides, why are you wearing something with sleeves here in the desert anyway?" And apparently they got pissed off at my poor fashion sense and hit me over the head several times. Oh well, be that way. Just sweat to death. See if I care. I'll just be here here tripping on LSD.

4. Some time ago, I was a guest on a podcast where me and a group of people had to defend our opinion about a certain movie while one guy said we were all wrong. I wouldn't have minded that so much if the guy made sense. The movie? "Jack and Jill". This guy LOVED it while me and half the world's population TRIED our damnest to tell this guy why he's wrong. I said to him "Dude, I watch shitty movies for a hobby and even I know this movie fucking sucks" and he was like "No way, man! This is the best Sandler movie since "Bedtime Stories" I LOVE movies like this! WOO!!" And it just drove me crazy so I had to tell the dude he was a major douchenozzle. This put some people off and I had to remain quiet for the rest of the podcast.

3. I'm probably never going to recommend a movie to anybody ever again. A friend of mine was like "OMG! This movie is totes awesome to the MAXXX!!" And after I asked him why he was talking like that he said "It's a result of this movie!" And apparently this movie gave him 87 blowjobs and made him steak dinners for a month. I wanted 87 blowjobs and a bunch of steak dinners so I watched this movie and what I got was a blowjob involving braces and a Tofu burger. This upset my friend who went and told me to go to Hell. I said "Fine!" and went to Michigan. While there, I suggested he watch a movie that gave me decent enough blowjobs and at least knew how to make bacon, he ended up not liking it. This happened a few more times until I got frustrated and made him watch "Murder Set Pieces". I haven't heard from him ever again.

2. I won an award recently and when I went up to the podium to accept it something happened. Now what the people saw was me grabbing the award, go "WOO!!", and walk off without thanking everybody. What really happened was this. My name is called and as I walk past all my fellow employees at work, who all were also up for the award of BEST DOOR GREETER,  I noticed them all glaring at me. I had this awesome speech in mind where I was gonna point to everybody in the crowd and pretend to be Oprah and say "YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD!!" but I was a bit put off by the stink eye. So I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I tripped on the last step and fell forward, while grabbing the award. The "WOO" was actually me saying "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS STEP IS TOTALLY TRIPPING ME I'M ABOUT TO FALL OFF THIS STAGE YOU GUYS!!" and tumbling behind the curtain. I ended up twisting my ankle and had to go to the emergency room. So needless to say, a bunch of people made a big deal about something that didn't really matter and got upset with me. The next day, I wrote on the side of the building "I'M SORRY!!" and drew a frowny face next to it. I later blamed it on Banksy.

1. This is the big one folks. Here we go. On another website we all had to secretly pick which M&M we liked better, plain or peanut. Clearly, I like plain because I don't like nuts, but EVERYBODY loves nuts and people voted for nuts. I said "Eh, whatever. Just cause you like nuts doesn't make you better than me." And I moved on with my life. Apparently this one innocent comment started the biggest shit storm you could ever imagine. This other guy was like "FUCK YOU, PLAIN GUY!! I love nuts more!!! In fact...me and my friends are gonna prove it by liking nuts a whole bunch so your plain M&M's can lose and BURN IN HELL!!" I was like "...what?" And the guy said "What do you mean by '...what?' Is that a personal attack?! Just cause you like plain and I like nuts doesn't mean you have to act like a douchebag!" I said "Whoa dude, I'm sorry" but apparently he didn't get that message so he went on and on about how Peanut M&M's is the best and anyone who likes Plain M&M's belong in hell and all of his friends agreed while I'm here like "Dude, I just don't like nuts, what do you want from me?" Anyway, there's a WHOLE lot more to that that involved those pretzel M&M's and the dark chocolate M&M's but it got really brutal and I personally don't feel like reliving the whole thing. I just stopped talking to the guy and let him rant about nuts on his own. Maybe eventually he'll see my side of the story and try plain M&M's at least ONCE but who knows if that day will ever come. *sigh*

And that's it. It's hard to believe all the shit I've been through in the past nine months. But I guess I just attract this kind of trouble and I always will. That's why my middle name is DANGER!! Or is it Englebert? I forget.

-Jason

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #4

This is a pretty random episode. That's all I gotta say.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #39: Chop Till You Drop

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn welcome Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby.com and we talk about the classic '80s horror film "Chopping Mall". Before that, they talk about some things Matt is up to and all three showcase their awesome advice giving skills by doing a Ask The LAMB LIVE! But afterwards, Matt takes on The Game of the Unwanted. How does he stack up? Only one way to find out!