Monday, January 30, 2012

B-Fest 2012: The Full Report

And so another B-Fest has come and gone. In a way, B-Fest is like Vegas. You're stuck in a windowless room for god only knows how long, you feel yourself growing crazier the more you're there, and every hour and a half there's a major gamble. The only thing missing is prostitutes and/or strippers.

This was my third time going, every four years it seems. I think I'm gonna break that trend and go again next year. We shall see. But for now, you wanna know what I thought about all the movies watched and what happened and stuff. Alrighty!

It was a rather pleasant day in Chicago. Normally the past two times I've gone it's been fucking freezing. I swear the second time I went, it was like -900 degrees outside. People were ice skating on Lake Michigan to get to B-Fest. But this year, it was sunny, not really warm but still nice. I was surprised.

The crowd is pretty typical: all movie nerds. And I stress the "nerd" part. No offense to anyone reading this that goes, but c'mon, you know what you are when you go to something like this. But the nice thing about this crowd is there is no judgement among anyone. You can pretty much do or say anything and it'll either get a laugh or they'll just ignore it. No "Boo"ing you or making you feel bad. It's awesome. If the world was just one big "B-Fest", it'd be a better place.

Alright, the movies. Things started off with "Best of the Best". It's pretty much "Mortal Kombat" meets "Rocky IV" but substitute Russia for Korea. James Earl Jones is a coach for some American National Karate Tournament Thing and he's looking for some good fighters. At B-Fest, it's been established that at first they were looking only "The Best", then later we'd get "The best of the best". Who is "The Best"? Eric Roberts, Chris Penn, and three other guys. One of the other guys is this Asian dude who when he was a kid, witnessed his big brother or father (they never said) get killed by a Korean dude. The best parts about this movie was anytime James Earl Jones said "Team" he stressed all the syllables, so it came out "TEEEEEAAAAAMM!!!" And there was a bit part with ice cream that's only funny if you seen it. Needless to say, these were our running jokes for the entire fest.

Next up was "The Astro-Zombies". Oh my fucking god is this movie boring and slow as hell. And there was literally four different movies playing out, which then tied together at the end. Movie A was about An Astro-Zombie attacking women. Movie B was about this buxom lady and two guys killing people for what seemed like no reason. Movie C was about the doctor from "Billy Jack" teaming up with these two guys who someone behind me dubbed them as "Spy-ientists" cause they were either spies or scientists. And Movie D had John Carradine and some guy with a hump playing with dials for 20 minutes. It was mind numbing but watching it with a crowd and making fun of it was awesome. It's really the only way I recommend that movie.

Then there was "To Catch A Yeti". I couldn't find this on GetGlue so I have no idea if this was a made for TV movie or what. But here's a shocker: it stars Meat Loaf! And it's a kid movies! Sorta! And it's fucking weird and insane. It's about this guy who comes back from a trip to the Himalayas and he inadvertently brings back a small Yeti, who looks like a cross between "My Pet Monster" and Gizmo from "Gremlins". Turns out Meat Loaf is hunting for this Yeti cause he promised some rich family he'd get one for their bratty son. Anyway, hyjinx ensue and the weird parts have to do with Meat Loaf beating on his midget companion and the parents of the bratty kid just more or less leaving the kid to die alone on the side of the road. It's weird but fun? Let's go with that.

After that, there was a raffle for all kinds of prizes and I won! I won VHS copies of "I Come In Peace" with Dolph Lundgren and "Simon Sez" with Dennis Rodman. So...yeah.

After the raffle, was "The Wizard of Speed and Time" and then the typical Midnight movie "Plan 9 From Outer Space". I had the feeling that they're getting slightly tired of "Plan 9" since it's been played every year since like the '90s. I dunno if they ever plan on changing it. HA! Get it? "Plan" on changing it! I'm funny when I been on the road for three days...

Anyway, after "Plan 9" was "The (Avenging) Disco Godfather". I dunno if the "Avenging" part is really in the title or not. Anyway, Rudy Ray Moore IS The Disco Godfather and when his nephew falls in the evil clutches of PCP and angel dust, he vows to clean up the town! Basically, this is one of the movies "Black Dynamite" was parodying. The ending features Rudy Ray Moore forced to inhale PCP and the final 20 minutes is just him tripping. It's really fucking weird.

Then there was "Death Bed". I reviewed this movie but I haven't put it up on the archive yet. A lot of people haven't seen this and I think they were amazed and bewildered at the same time. This was my third time seeing it and it gets weirder and weirder the more times I see it.

After that was "Tarkan vs The Vikings". I have no idea how to describe this movie. It's from another country. It was subtitled. The villain looked like a fashion designer's worst nightmare. The monster was FUCKING HILARIOUS! IT WAS A BALLOON THAT WHEN YOU BLEW IT UP LOOKED LIKE AN OCTOPUS! OH MY GOD!! This was played at around 4 AM and I think I was starting to lose my mind.

The next movie was "Mutant Hunt". I was so fucking tired I couldn't stay awake. I badly wanted to cause this looked just awful. But here is where I slept. Sorry. I'll try to get back to this movie at some point.

For whatever reason, they added this movie called "Guru The Mad Monk". It was only an hour long and it was just nothing but talking. Some dude who looked like John Travolta was in love with this chick who's a prisoner, so they do a "Romeo and Juliet" thing by having her pretend she's dead. He rescues her before she's buried and then...Guru The Mad Monk just kills random people that show up. It's...a trip. And a weird thing to play at 7AM, 13 hours into the fest.

Next was "The Brain from Planet Arous". I seen this at my first B-Fest and it's typical bad '50s sci-fi starring John Agar. It's still funny to me whenever someone in the movie says "Mystery Mountain" the audiences goes "oooh!!!".

After that was "Stunt Rock". Ok. If I told you there is LITERALLY a movie with NO STORY OR PLOT whatsoever, and was just a showcase of some Australian guy doing stunts while some rock band plays horribly cheesy '70s songs, you probably wouldn't believe me. But it exists. I seen it. And it's called "Stunt Rock". I guess I will admit some of the songs were catchy and the stunts were cool. But still. NO FUCKING STORY! It was annoying.

After that was lunch. I had a sandwich. It was yummy.

Then....MOTHERFUCKIN' "ROADHOUSE"!!! Yeah!!! This fit in perfectly! Everyone quoted the lines "Pain don't hurt" "I fucked guys like you in prison" and of course "I thought you'd be taller". We needed this movie. It gave all of us a boost. And we needed that boost cause next was-

Werewolf In A Girls Dormitory. Oh my god was this movie BORING! Some guy who works at this girls reform school is a werewolf. They need to find out. That's it. It was long, boring, and gray. Just, ugh.

And finally: The Galaxy Invader! You know what? I love this movie. It's awful. But it's a lot of fun. I also reviewed this movie awhile ago and I'll have to put this review up soon as well. The father in this movie is a fucking trip. And I love his clothes.

And that's it. After that, it was over and we left. It was a lot of fun. I will do it again, maybe next year with some more friends. And I hope I will see you there!


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