Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Reader's Choice: Deadtime Stories Volumes 1 and 2

As you probably noticed on the cover, George A. Romero attached his name to this. Romero has an interesting career. He's made a slew of good films in his younger days, but the older he gets, the more shit-tastic his films become. Many people didn't like "Diary of the Dead", while I thought it was just alright. "Survival of the Dead" on the other hand, sucks balls so badly it hurts.

But here, Romero only produced the two movies I'll be covering today. And he plays the "host". The host bits are easily the most lame things about these films, and there's a lot here to fucking hate. And as you no doubt figured out, this is an anthology series, movies that tell multiple stories. Thankfully, both films tell three stories each so you're not stuck with this mess for too long. Unfortunately, there's two films of this shit. So let's get going.

The reason Romero's "host" bits are lame is because he makes these horrible puns and corny jokes that'll make The Cryptkeeper blush. And he sometimes speaks in rhyme, which makes the whole thing worse. And to top it off, he looks roughly 200 years old. The giant ass Kim Jong Il glasses don't help any either.

Our first story, called "The Valley Of Something Or Another" (fuck, this was 6 stories ago, you expect me to remember) we meet Angela as she's in an office of some rich asshole. The rich asshole wants to know why he should give her money to go looking for her dead husband. She says there's more money in it for him. And maybe a nice peek at her boobs. Well, she never says that but if someone needs convincing of something, and he's an asshole, it wouldn't hurt.

Despite lack of boob showing, the asshole agrees to give her the money to go look for the husband, but only if he comes along. Turns out the husband was part of some scientific crew sent to some jungle to find something and he never returned. Apparently the trees in this jungle grows something that looks like E.T's dick. And actually, you know the film "Cannibal Holocaust"? This is pretty much the exact same thing. Just no missing footage.

The only thing different is the final shot of Angela's head resting on a stake in the jungle and she's talking to the other heads, one of them belonging to her husband. So in away, she found him. The problem with this story was the set up took for-fucking-ever. But this set up was quicker compared to the next story.

The next story is called "Wet". We meet Jack, a down on his luck guy who lives alone in some crappy beach house. He digs for treasures in the sand and sells them for money, which then turns into booze. One day, he's looking around when he spots a box with a skeleton hand inside it. He throws the hand in a drawer and decides to sell the box to an antique's dealer named Swan.

Swan recognizes the box and tells Jack a story of how he killed a mermaid, cut her up into pieces, and put the pieces in the boxes. Yeah, you heard me. Apparently, mermaid's are evil crazy bitches and you have to kill them before they kill you and the only way they'll stay dead is if you put them in these boxes. Jack goes "...ok then" and goes home...to dig up more mermaid parts.

He simply throws the remains into a regular box, buries it, and cleans up the fancy boxes to sell so he can buy an entire liquor store when, say it with me, the mermaid comes to life. She proceeds to give him a blowjob, but the thing about mermaids (that I learned from this movie anyway) is while giving blowjobs, their faces turn into fishes and bite off penis'.

The next day, Swan goes to Jack's place to make sure he didn't do what he did and he finds Jack, minus any legs but has a mermaid fin. So he's a merman? Is that how that works? Anyway, Swan kills Jack and puts his pieces into the boxes when the mermaid, now with real legs, shows up and takes Swan away to Mermaid Island or something. Hm, maybe this is a live action version of "The Little Mermaid". Under The Sea, indeed.

This story took FOR FUCKING EVER, much like the last one. It was roughly 25 minutes long and the action part took up the last 2. It was so boring, I was playing Angry Birds on my tablet during most of it and was still able to recall what happened. Jesus, George. Speed things along, will ya?

The last story, "Housecall", was directed by Tom Savini. And this story is the most annoying of them all. I guess Savini wanted to make this story a throw back to old timey movies but holy fuck he didn't have to be annoying about it. Instead of using full screen, or wide screen, he had the entire movie play out in this small box in the center of the screen. It was like watching a movie through a View-Finder.

This story looked at how long the other stories took to set shit up and said "Bitch, please" and made it ALL SET UP! Oh my god, I could've fallen asleep during this story and still tell you what happened. Pretty much, some lady calls a doctor telling him her son Jimmy thinks he's a vampire.

The doctor shows up and listens to Mom tell all the stories Jimmy told her about sucking all the blood out of the neighbors. And each story is shown in some detail. Actually, we don't even know Jimmy is a vampire until the final 2 minutes. They talk all around it, making it seem like he's a werewolf at first, then maybe he's possessed by Satan, and finally maybe a serial killer. But nope, vampire. And there's a twist ending that I'm gonna tell you cause you probably don't care enough to see this movie.

The doctor is the head vampire. He meant to kill Jimmy but only turned him. But now the doctor kills Jimmy, then bites and kills the Mom. The end. Fuck you, Tom Savini.

And that's it for Volume 1. Three horrible boring corny stories. And you know what's terrible? There's still Volume 2...AND IT'S LONGER THAN VOLUME 1! FUCK!!

So we get George again saying the same shit he said in the first volume. Then he introduces the first story, called "The Gorge". You seen "The Descent"? How about "Alive"? This story is a combination of the two. But you know what's weird? This story...was somewhat interesting.

There's three friends, two guys and a girl. One guy and the girl are engaged to be married. The other guy is the smart ass tag-a-long friend who decides to take them cave exploring as a wedding gift or some shit. They start climbing through the caves when it sounds like a thunder storm is occuring but it's actually a cave in. So all three people are stuck in this cave with no way out. And the male fiancee broke his ankle, so isn't able to walk.

Two weeks later, they're eating bats, then rats, and finally around Day 29, the goofball friend suggests killing the male fiancee and eat him. The girl, desperate, agrees. It's only after they do this when they're rescued. So now the girl and the friend are in a hospital, and they don't wanna tell anyone they ate the guy so they said he died in the cave in or something. Then the girl gets a guilty conscience and suddenly has a taste for flesh.

She kills, then eats the friend, only leaving behind his skeleton and she runs off into the woods, going back to the cave they were at. As much as I was liking this story, they ruined it by the end. For no reason that they explained, they had her turn into a witch. Seriously, a witch. She had an ugly face, a wart on her nose, and was just laughing evilly. I guess turning into a cannibal turns you into a witch.

The second story "On Sabbath Hill" was actually kinda good. Meaning, compared to the other films that is. It's like getting beat up by the same bully 5 days in a row, then on the sixth day he just fucks your Mom. Yeah, kinda like that. The entire story plays out like a rejected Lifetime movie they show on Halloween. There's a professor dude who's married with two kids. He's an hard-ass professor, making sure the students are always in his class and on time. If anyone misses just one class, he kicks them out and fails them. And he's having an affair with the hottest girl in the class named Jennifer.

That night, after he and Jennifer got it on, she tells him she's pregnant with his kid. Of course he wants to have an abortion but she won't. Then she leaves. The next day, Jennifer take a gun from her roommate's nightstand, goes to his class, and shoots herself in the head.

The professor tells the students class will go on as planned and talks about World War II while her dead body rots away there. Ok, not really. But he says there's still class the next day. But all throughout the night, he keeps hearing her voice and even sees her shadow.

Yeah, we all know where this is going.

I really don't know if this story is as good as I think it is or if my mind just gave up at this point and decided to give in to the awfulness. You'd think after all the shit I've seen, I would be use to it.

Anyway, it's not too long when he starts seeing her show up in class and soon starts haunting him. The roommate tells the professor she found Jennifer's diary, which reveals the entire affair, including the baby. And confesses it was her gun, which she stole back during the chaos after Jennifer died. And for whatever reason, the roommate gives the professor the gun. Ok.

So the next day, during class, the professor has a big giant mental freak out when Dead Jennifer starts giving birth to a undead baby. This freaks him out so much that he takes the gun and shoots himself. OOH! You know if this was Harry Potter, he'd just continue teaching that class.

Alright. One more story. And boy, it's a fucking doozy. It's called "Dust". And I'm just gonna jump over the boring shit and tell you Mars dust cures cancer and turns you into a nymphomaniac.

Hm. Ok, I guess some backstory would help. We meet George, a security guard at some scientific research place. His wife is dying of cancer and is gonna die any minute now. One night, George meets Alex, a scientist. Alex tells George that NASA sent them this dust from Mars and needs to test it for stuff. Alex is close to figuring out that it might be able to cure diseases. George thinks it could cure his wife's cancer, so he steals a small vile of the stuff and takes it home.

He mixes it with water and puts it in her IV tube and two hours later, she's healthy. And naked. And wants to fuck. All the time. That's all she wants to do is fuck. It got so bad I thought it was gonna turn into a porn film any minute. Then I wondered what the ending was gonna be like.

Here's what I came up with before I saw the ending:
1. She's gonna be so horny that she fucks herself to death, riding a sharp steel spike of some kind.
2. She was gonna start fucking dead bodies, because for some reason they live in a cemetary.
3. She's gonna fuck George to death.

So it turns out the dust wears off and the wife gets sick again. George promises to get more dust, so he takes a giant thermos to work and fills it up with Mars dust. Alex catches him and tells him he can't cause it's risky. George simply bops him on the head with a walkie-talkie and this not only kills Alex but causes his fucking eyeball to pop out of his head. The fuck? Was his eyes held in by cheap super glue?

Anyway, George manages to take Alex's body and puts it in his trunk and he drives home. He puts Alex's body in a freezer and gives the wife some dust. Then they fuck some more. George is getting tired and is about to go to work when I was kinda sorta right about one of my theories:

She fucks Alex. But turns out Alex is now a zombie. I guess if you're George Romero and you make an anthology movie, you gotta have zombies in it somewhere. Anyway, the wife is into this and wants George to join in on the weird necrophilia three-some here. George shoots Alex, and accidently shoots the wife, but they keep on coming towards him.

George runs out and soon, all the people in the graves start rising up. And then...that's it. So...did they all fuck George to death? Let's say yes and wrap this up.

Volume 2 is way better, but not by much. It's probably more interesting and SLIGHTLY better acted. I only loved the crazy ass third story in Vol. 2, but it was too little too late. Just skip Volume 1 and put on Volume 2 for only the third story. Maybe the second one if you have a lady hanging around.

And George Romero, just give it up, huh? Don't fuck up your legacy by putting out constant crap year and year. Ok? Thanks!

Volume 1:

Volume 2:


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