Friday, January 20, 2012
Reader's Choice: Birdemic: Shock and Terror
I have absolutely no way of putting together a comprehensive review for "Birdemic" that doesn't involve repeating the words "THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING TERRIBLE" over and over again so instead I'll just pay homage to Andrew over at BadMovies.org and just list off a whole bunch of things I've learned while watching "Birdemic: Shock and Terror".
-If you're an attractive white woman, you can eat and leave a restaurant without paying.
-If you're an attractive white man, you can stare at said white woman for 20 minutes then chase after her down the street until she gives you her phone number.
-The place you and your family go to take those horrible family photos also doubles has a modeling agency.
-A no-name model can get on the front page of Victoria Secret.
-You can sell software for one million dollars.
-If you're an attractive white couple, you can dance horribly while a black guy does karaoke.
-When you see the word "Imagine", you have to use horribly generic John Lennon music to accompany it.
-Some Asian stereotypes, especially in women, are true. Sucky sucky two dolla?
-Every incompetently bad movie must take place in San Francisco.
-This movie did to basketball what "The Room" did to football.
-Didn't get it right in the first take? Use a green screen to fix the scene!
-When the company you invested stocks in sells for a billion dollars, you can clap in a board room like an idiot for five minutes straight.
-Paying $19,000 instead of $20,000 for solar panels is a bargain.
-You're making a movie and you know the small town you live in is gonna have a parade? Write a movie around that parade! It'll be a great action scene!
-Instead of having sex for the first time in your own place, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend should get a hotel.
-The chick in "Birdemic" decided she wasn't getting paid enough to show her tits. Kinda sad really. She's really, really, REALLY hot.
-The day after you fuck a hot chick, birds are going to suddenly attack your town.
-When birds attack, they sound like bomber jets attacking England.
-How do you show somebody was in the military? By having them wear camo pants!
-Cheap wire hangers from a hotel is an effective weapon against attacking birds.
-Former military guys keep automatic machine guns in their mini-vans.
-The cheapest CGI software for a wannabe film make is from 1995. I kept waiting for the flying toasters to appear next.
-Despite birds attacking for no real reason, that isn't enough to slow down traffic on a busy highway.
-Bird attacks mean it's now the apocalypse and you can't go home. Ever. For some reason.
-You think gas prices are high now? Wait until birds attack. You'll WISH you were paying $4 bucks a gallon.
-Gay hipsters love Easy E.
-If someone off camera throws a bucket of orange juice on you, you will die.
-The worst possible way to die? Holding toilet paper while taking a crap in the desert.
-If a bird attacks you, you should stumble off to the side of the road so you have a comfortable place to fall.
-Standing on a bridge and looking at dead birds on the ground=studying birds and knowing what caused them to go crazy: BIRD FLU!!!
-Seriously, why didn't they just fucking go home?!?!?!?!
-Asian whores live in lighthouses.
-Even though the kids you're traveling with know it's the end of the world, they still want Happy Meals!
-Sitting in your car for 5 minutes while crying will cause all the birds in the world to stop attacking and fly into the ocean.
And that's it. There's probably some stuff I forgot, but overall, this is a movie you need to see to believe. The guy who made this movie made Tommy Wiseau look like Martin Scorsese. It is on Netflix Instant watch and there is a Rifftrax available. I recommend that, or watching this with some friends. This is bad. And my rating for this is based on how entertainingly bad it is. Seriously.