Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Reader's Choice: Zombie Nation

I don't even know who to be mad at: myself for putting this selection in the poll or the four of you who voted for this. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I had NO IDEA just how fucking horrible this was going to be. If I known, I would've just left it off and replaced it with, I dunno, "A Serbian Film 2: MORE FUCKED UP THAT THE FIRST". But I digress.

"Zombie Nation" is written and directed by Ulli Lommel, who is the worst fucking director on the face of the planet. I rather watch a marathon of Michael Bay films, mixed in with Uwe Boll films than watch a Lommel film. He did "BTK Killer" which should've been some sign from above but did I listen? NOOOOOOO!

I don't plan on spending a lot of time with this. The movie focuses on Joe, an asshole cop who pulls over hot women, arrests them on false charges, and take them to his house. His house? A fucking warehouse. And I'm sure it's the same house/warehouse used in "BTK Killer" as well. Anyway, what makes this so special is he has a partner. And the partner just sits outside, waiting for him.

When Joe returns without the girl AND a heavy duffel bag that he's putting in the trunk, the partner doesn't think anything about it. Jesus Christ, man! Anyway, we find out Joe, obviously, has some mental issues. His mom was some doctor in an insane asylum who abused her patients and abused him. That's about all we get.

So we spend 45 minutes on this cop plot and I'm left wondering "when do the fucking zombies show up?" What is it with me and horrible zombie movies that don't feature zombies through the whole movie? I mean I had "Wiseguys vs Zombies", "Vampires vs Zombies", fucking "ZOMBIEZ" and now "Zombie Nation".

Well, we are getting to it, believe it or not. The partner finally realizes something is up (NO SHIT! REALLY?!) and reports this to the captain. OH! The police station? Another warehouse. Swear to fucking god. This whole movie is like someone put on a stage play. In fact, if it was a stage play put on by a 2nd grade class, it'd be 200 million times better. Fuck!

The captain, who is friends with Joe, just makes the partner do paper work and sends another guy to be Joe's partner. When this partner also reports something is fishy with Joe, then Internal Affairs gets involved, suspends Joe, and makes him get psychiatric counseling.

For the first hour of the film, we don't see Joe murder the women. But then he picked up a Romanian chick, who's the hottest girl in this movie so she must be a stripper or porn star in real life, who had a voodoo spell put on her. What do you need to tell your audience that voodoo is happening?

1. Black chicks in Jamaican clothing.
2. A pigs head
3. Candles
4. A spider
5. A snake
6. Blood
7. Crosses. Crosses fucking everywhere.

So they put a spell on her, Romanian chick leaves and is immediately arrested by Joe. Then we see how they murder her. I don't watch the show "Dexter" but I know enough about it to know that either this movie ripped them off, or somehow they ripped this movie off cause he's a cop, who kills people, by injecting them with something lethal. I'm sure the only difference is "Dexter" doesn't make you want to rip your brain out and set it on fire.

And another thing, what the fuck is stopping all these partners from just going into Joe's place with their POLICE ISSUED GUNS and stopping him if they KNOW HE'S MURDERING WOMEN INSIDE?! It's all fucking retarded.

Anyway, Joe murders the Romanian chick and she comes back to life...along with Joe's other victims. And here's a twist: they act like living human beings with one exception: they have black eye make-up all around their eyes. So they're part zombie, part raccoon.

And I guess Joe only murdered five people ever cause only five girls come back to life. One of them, who is more Aunt like than hot, wants to see her boyfriend but because when she looks in the mirror....she looks like a zombie....but when you look at her in person...she doesn't....I don't fucking know I didn't fucking understand it. ARRGH!!!

Alright so you know where this is all going. They look for Joe, find him, and eventually kill him. When they report back to the voodoo priestess chicks and tell them they ate him, they freak out. Why? "Cause when you bite a human being, they too become a zombie!"

Wait. I know I didn't mention it but when the girls first came to life, they met two different guys. They bit and killed both of them and really for no reason now that I think about it. So now you're saying Joe AND those two guys are zombies? Care to take care of that? No? Alrighty then.

So for some fucking dumbass reason, all the girls are now cops, but they wear those sexy stripper cop uniforms so maybe this REALLY wasn't a police station after all. I don't fucking know, I'm just glad it's over.

Think of the worst movie you ever seen, multiply it by 20 and you'll only have HALF the horribleness of this fucking movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! I BEG YOU!! DO NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE! IT'S NOT FUN! NO!!!! JUST...Fuck you Ulli Lommel! FUCK YOU! I hope you Google your name, find this review, and see that I said that. And you know what? Email me: invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com give me your address and we will fight! I WILL FIGHT YOU!!




Nick said...

I'm not sure it can be as horrible as the worst movies I've ever seen. But it sounds fun! :P

For the record, Dexter injects people with horse tranquilizer to knock them out, then straps them down to a table with seran wrap, cuts their face to take a blood sample, and then stabs them through the heart. Then cuts them up and dumps their pieces in the ocean. And he's not a cop, he's a blood splatter analyst.

Dave Enkosky said...

The movie may have sucked but it made for an entertaining read.

I've been well aware of Lommel for some time now, but I've yet to see any of his movies. The masochistic part of me kind of wants to do a Lommel marathon.

Jason Soto said...

Nick: Seriously, do not watch this movie. Trust me. You will not like it.

Dave: DO NOT watch any other Lommel movies. Trust me. You will not like them.