Mardi Gras Massacre

2012 will mark 9 years I've watched and reviewed bad movies for this thing called "the Internet" (7 years for Invasion of the B Movies) and in all those years I've never come across a movie like "Mardi Gras Massacre". Yeah it's bad. Yeah it was made horribly. Yeah it's stupid as hell. But where normally I'd find that stuff annoying, here...I found it charming.

The movie starts in a bar in New Orleans and a very well dressed guy named John walks in. Two women immediately latch onto him, hoping he'll make it rain all over their faces. (Take that however you want) Instead, John tells the women he's looking for a special girl. What type of girl?

............................an evil girl!

So every time this John guy talks, he uses these huge pauses between words, like he took acting lessons from William Shatner but decided to one-up Shat. Here's how that whole scene really played out.

John: I'm looking for a special girl. One that is.................evil!

The two girls direct him to this other girl because she's...........evil! I dunno what makes her so evil, I'm sorry, so............evil! She seemed nice enough. I guess she's willing to do ANYTHING for money. Even if it means fucking Kyle MacLachlan.

So John takes her back to his place and for a painstaking 20 minutes we watch him undress the girl, tie her to a bed, rub oil on her, and finally he leaves. Literally 2 seconds later, he reappears in another part of the room in this weird sacrificial garb and a knife. He stabs her hand, then her feet, before cutting her fake stomach open to pull out a heart that apparently isn't attached to anything inside her body. So in a way he's doing her a favor, she was gonna die from having a floppy heart anyway.

The news of the girl's death reaches prostitutes across the city and eventually two cops get involved. One cop, Frank, questions one of the girls John talked to that night, named Sherry. Frank and Sherry instantly fall in love and immediately go on a date. On said date, some guy at another table starts yelling at the girl he's with, picks her up, and smacks her. Frank decides to take charge and...point at the guy until he leaves! Yeah! Good police work!

Frank and Sherry go have sex and he doesn't do much about the killing. Meanwhile, John goes to other bars and picks up more.............evil girls, talking so slowly that you could leave the room, take a shit, and come back and he'll still be in the middle of said sentence. Anyway, he kills another girl in the same fashion as the other girl, then he decides to up the ante by bringing a group of women! WOW!!

This is a great scene for these two reasons:
1. He orders Chinese food and this is how he orders (The exact food items escape me right now but it's something like): "I'd like beef and broccoli, pepper steak, fried rice.........................(glance)....................AND a fortune cookie!"
2. He slips something in the girls drinks and the scene goes from them standing around talking to instantly them passed out on the ground.

Oh and John tips the delivery guy 10 bucks. Remember that, cause I kept shouting how important this was gonna be throughout the rest of the movie.

Frank is busy fucking his prostitute girlfriend and NOT solving the case. Frank is also a douche cause he hits Sherry for reasons I'm not sure about, even while I was watching it I was confused. Maybe that guy in the bar from earlier rubbed off on him or something. Anyway, Frank leaves Sherry and he's not dedicated to finding this killer.

OH AND HE HAS TO DO IT BEFORE MARDI GRAS CAUSE THE KILLER MIGHT KILL A GROUP OF PEOPLE OH SHIT IT'S SERIOUS NOW!!!!!111eleven

Ok, you're probably asking yourself: "What is going on? Why is this killer killing all these women? Why do they have to be evil? Why is Jason assuming I'm asking all these questions? I just want a sandwich, LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Well, I'm glad you asked. And here's your sandwich.

Apparently, John is sacrificing these..............evil women to some Aztec or Mayan or some vaguely Latin God (Marc Anthony? Enrique Iglesias?) and on Mardi Gras he's gonna probably do a whole slew of people. So Frank and his partner without a name goes around talking to people. OH SHIT THE MUSIC!

The music in this entire movie sounds like vague rip offs of popular disco songs. I swear one song is "The Hustle" but with one note changed. I can't find any evidence of this, but if you ever watch this movie (and you should) listen out for it. If you can get back all the.................evil!

Alright, the cops finally talk to the Chinese delivery guy who remembers John cause he tipped him 10 bucks, so they go to his apartment, where he has Sherry tied up and ready to get stabbed. John manages to escape and despite him WALKING about as fast as my grandma, the cops can't catch him.

There's a lame chase through Mardi Gras until John steals a cop car and drives into the Ocean. When they find the car, they find John is missing. And that's it! The end!

So is this worth the search? If you wanna have a good time watching horrible movie with your friends, then yes, but that's the only way to watch this. If you watch this by yourself, sober, then you're gonna be miserable. In fact, I OWN this movie, so just come on over so we can watch this. And if you must you can a girl who's..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................evil.


-Jason

PS: Listen to this while reading the review. Unless you didn't notice this, then RE-READ this while listening.

The Netflix Corner #16

This week, I'm recommending a not that popular Charles Bronson movie. Now, I haven't seen it since I was a kid, but I'm sure it's still awesome as hell. I'm talk about:

From what I remember, it's about a serial killer who likes to get naked and kill people and it's up to Charles Bronson to stop him! That's about all you really need to know anyway.

Anyway, onto The Netflix Game! Man, I stumped a lot of people for a couple of days, until I revealed some hints. Anyway, here's the updated scores:

Nick-38
Dan-23
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

Here's last week's answers:
Hard: This kid really loves his imaginary friend, even though he's real.-Pete's Dragon
Medium: A man really hates his job, thanks to witches and other scary people.-Four Rooms
Easy: Two women decide it's more fun to travel cross country while breaking the law.-Thelma & Louise

Well, let's see how everyone does this week!
Hard: A girl returns to the place she once visited to find it's all destroyed.
Medium: A woman from New York City finds herself in a magical land.
Easy: A girl from a farm is transported to another world.

Good luck!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #27: Randy Quaid's Guide To Being An Awesome Father

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn bring on Steve Honeywell from 1001Plus to discuss the cult classic "Parents" starring Randy Quaid. Also in this episode, we discuss kicking Steve's daughter out of the country, the 1001 Movies You NEED To See Before You Die, the lack of Chuck Norris on said list, and finally end with the debut of The Game of the Unwanted! How does Steve do? Only one way to find out!

The Netflix Corner #15

This is probably cheating, but I love Louis C.K and this was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. If you love Louis, then you should check out:

Ok! Last week, the "Hard" option was up for 24 hours before Dan got it! So now here's your updated scores:

Nick-35
Dan-20
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: A man lies to his parents about where he's been.-Buffalo '66
Medium: A kid has some misadventures in a hotel.-The Shining
Easy: Don't do drugs, kids.-Requiem For A Dream

Good luck with this week's answers!

Hard: This kid really loves his imaginary friend, even though he's real.
Medium: A man really hates his job, thanks to witches and other scary people.
Easy: Two women decide it's more fun to travel cross country while breaking the law.

Have fun!
-Jason

What I Think It's About: We Need To Talk About Kevin

So if you spend any amount of time here, you know that I don't follow what you might call "good movies" or at least "mainstream" movies. All my attention goes to Andy Sidaris films or if they plan on remaking "Leprechaun" with Vern Troyer. (No, not yet.) But I do follow a lot of people and their blogs who talk about these "good mainstream" movies and I see titles and I wonder, based on the title and maybe a poster, what could that movie be about? Here, I figured I try to figure out what "We Need To Talk About Kevin" is about based on title, trailer, and poster. First, the title.

"We Need To Talk About Kevin".

I'm guessing there's a dude named Kevin. He did something that one or two people need to discuss. I'm assuming the thing Kevin did was pretty bad. Maybe he slept with someone's wife or killed someone. Maybe a black comedy? That'd be an awesome name for a black comedy. Like Vince Vaughn IS Kevin, a misunderstood middle aged man who appears to be a serial killer when his dates vanish but the truth is, he only dates women who are about to move so he'll never have to see them again. But when a woman shows up dead on his front lawn, that's when the dark hi-jinks ensue!

Ok! So show me Vince Vaughn!

Whoa! Ok then. Umm...Tilda Swinton, huh? And she's in bed next to a kid. Should I assume the kid is Kevin? Oh god, I don't even want to imagine what this movie COULD be about then. I mean she....nah, I'm not going there. I already got "A Serbian Film" on this site, I don't need MORE perverts coming here. Ok so...let's backtrack a bit. Tilda Swinton is a chick who might be Kevin's mother. I'm assuming Kevin is either dying of some disease like, I dunno, ADHD (That's a kid disease, right?) and she needs to talk about the kid before he dies? Or maybe, keeping with the dark comedy angle (cause really "We Need To Talk About Kevin" sounds like a fucking dark comedy to me, I'm sorry) everyone THINKS Kevin, as a kid, killed someone, but the kid who died got ADHD and blew up or something, thinking Kevin had something to do with it. I bet that's it! I actually like this movie better than the Vince Vaughn angle. Ok! Onto the trailer!



Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...WAIT! THIS IS A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE?!?!?! Why didn't anyone tell me it's a horror movie?! About a killer kid! I LOVE horror movies about killer kids!! So I guess Kevin is fucked up in the head for having Tilda Swinton as a mom and....JOHN C. REILLY? He makes horror movies now? WTF?! How have I not known this?! HORROR BLOGGERS you failed me!! Normally you're on this shit! I mean, clearly, the kid is a serial killer and Tilda is worried she'll be his next victim. And what the fuck, is Kevin a time traveler? How does he age but no one else does?? Dude!

So Will I See This Movie? FUCK YEAH! It's a horror movie about a killer kid! I'm on this shit, yo!!!

And that's how we play "What I Think It's About". If I'm wrong, well...tell me. But I know I'm not. That trailer is the creepiest fucking trailer ever. Best horror trailer ever!
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #14

This week's recommendation was the movie I reviewed this previous Thursday at Man, I Love Films and yes it is that awesome that I must recommend it. I'm talking about:

If you love found footage films and wanna see a different take on it, check this out!

And now...The Netflix Game! Last week's was a doozy. The medium, again, was up for grabs for over 24 hours, until Dylan came and swooped it up, after a couple of hints. Here's the updated scores!

Nick-32
Dan-17
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: A bunch of random scenes occur.-Kentucky Fried Movie
Medium: A bunch of random scenes revolve around a TV station.-Amazon Women on The Moon
Easy: A bunch of random scenes revolve around an experimental drug.-Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Will this weeks be easier? Let's see!
Hard: A man lies to his parents about where he's been.
Medium: A kid has some misadventures in a hotel.
Easy: Don't do drugs, kids.

Good luck!
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Starship Troopers

This is it. This is THE movie (next to "Cool As Ice") that people come up to me and say "Man, 'Starship Troopers' huh? That's a bad movie!" expecting me to go "Oh hell yeah! Fuckin' terrible dood! Fuckin' Sully, kid!" And then they wonder why I suddenly turned into a guy from Boston. But anyway, I have now finally seen "Starship Troopers" and I'm gonna tell you, I was not expecting that!

I was expecting cheesy fun. Some bad acting. Maybe bad CGI. Scenes that feature nothing but explosions and gun fighting. I was NOT expecting a weird movie starring a bunch of former TV stars and future has-beens. And I didn't know it was based on a novel, BY FUCKING Robert Heinlein of all fucking people!

Ok so the movie. It's sometime in the future. They never say the years so I'm gonna go with 289,989. In this future the "military" is replaced with this thing called "The Federation. They're not called "soldiers" they're called "Citizens", as opposed to "Civilians". It's all rather confusing and, ok maybe I'm not surprised Robert Heinlein wrote this.

Anyway, we meet Johnny Rico. Oh my fucking God I love that name. He's in I guess high school. Michael Ironside is his teacher and he's teaching about being in the Federation and stuff. Rico is dating fuckin' Denise Richards, who plays Carmen. And you won't believe who their friend Carl is played by. Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, fucking guess.

Did you guess NEIL PATRICK HARRIS? Cause I sure as hell didn't. What the hell is he doing in a giant alien bug movie in 1997? Man! So anyway. Carl is psychic and he's trying to teach Rico how to be psychic, cause I guess it's something you can teach in the year 289,989.

So Rico wants to sign up for The Federation but his parents, who are rich, want to send him to Harvard. Pfft, so the world is WAY different 200 million years in the future, but fucking HARVARD still exists?! Love it! And yes, I'm aware of the symbolism here about either going to college or fighting in the army. But do you know why Rico wants to go into The Federation? Not cause he loves his country, or planet, or whatever.

It's because Carmen is going. That's all. Jesus.

OH! You know what else happens in the year 289,989? Football is now INDOORS! And men and women can play together! There's this chick named Desi who I thought was played by Keri Russell but she's Not Keri Russell, and she has the hots for Rico but he puts her in the "Friend Zone" OH SNAP! How do you like it, women?!?! AWWW YEAAH!!

Or is this?!?!

Is THIS Keri Russel?

After Rico fights with his parents and storms out of the house, he signs up for The Federation and he's put in the regular army fighting guys whereas Carmen is signed up to be a pilot. I'm gonna stress that Denise Richards is playing a character where she's a pilot. But then later, she plays a scientist, so maybe it was just jobs on her bucket list. If she ever does a movie where she's a nuclear physicist, I won't be surprised.

Anyway, Carl is sent to another part that's top secret cause he's smart. And psychic. Or whatever. So Rico goes to what's pretty much boot camp and it turns into "Full Metal Jacket" for a bit, with a drill sergeant yelling at everybody and making them do tough thing. Only difference is women are allowed.

So let's talk about this for a moment. A million years in the future, women FINALLY earn the right to get mixed in with men. There's a scene coming up that made me wish we were in that future now. Eh, I'll just tell you now. Men and women take showers together. And they're all out in the open about showing their tits and whatnot. It's an awesome scene. I almost cried.

So Carmen meets this guy named...Kevin? Sure we'll go with that. I'm horrible with names, I swear. Anyway, Kevin is this handsome type that makes Rico feel threatened. And he should. Cause after a week of being a pilot, Carmen tells Rico through "letter" (AKA, a video message) that they're breaking up.

Oh, and I almost wish I watched this movie with someone else so we can have this conversation:
"Is that Jake Busey?"
"Look at those teeth, that's a Busey alright."

Yes, Jake Busey shows up, as Ace, a guy in the army or whatever with Rico. Rico does a great job at simulating war that he's chosen to be the squad leader for another fake fight but with real bullets. He leads the way, but some dumb guy takes his helmet off and is instantly shot and killed.

Rico's punishment? A whipping. Seriously? It's the fucking future! Why not, I dunno, a dozen small robots with sharp teeth biting at his scrotum for 5 minutes? A whipping? And I love in movies where white guys are getting whipped, a black dude does the whipping. It's hilarious to me.

After the death of dumb guy, Rico thinks he doesn't have what it takes to be in the Federation, and is about to leave. He calls his parents and they're talking when the sky at his parents house gets dark and suddenly the call is cut off. Uh-oh!

Pretty much, and kind of out of nowhere, giant bugs from another planet attacks Earth and destroys several cities, including the city Rico, Carmen, and Carl is from. OH MY GOD you won't believe where they're from??

FUCKING BUENOS ARIES! SOUTH AMERICA!

I thought "It must be ANOTHER Buenos Aries" but nope. They showed the map in the movie. It's fucking South America. So in the future, white people decide "You know, we could just take over EVERY city in the world and put our people there! HA!" I fell out of my couch when that happened. Man, it's the little things, let me tell you.

Ok, so Buenos Aries is destroyed and this gives Rico a reason to fight, so he stays in the Federation. Almost instantly, everyone is shipped to the bug planet to fight the bugs. And the instant they land, the humans get their ass handed to them. And Rico dies.

Yep. He dies. I didn't see that coming. So I guess we'll focus on Carmen as she becomes a pilot and fucks Kevin and-

Wait. What? They found Rico's body and put it in this container where they bring him to life?!? WHAT? They can bring people back to life?! WOW! So...can't they bring other people back? No? They won't? Why? Cause Rico is our hero and he's the only one in this entire movie that deserves to be bought back to life? THE FUCK???

So yeah, that part lost me. And as a result, Rico, Desi, and Ace are sent to another unit called The Roughnecks, which is lead by Professor Michael Ironside! And Ironside runs the Roughnecks with an IRON fist. HA! Get it? Cause....

Oh. He actually has a robotic hand in this movie. So...yeah.

Anyway.

The Roughnecks are sent back to the planet to scout for more bugs and go to a Federation base, where they find the bugs attacked and killed everyone besides the General, who pussied out and hid in a locker. They realize there's another bug, called The Brain Bug, who sucks out people's brains for whatever reason.

Carmen thinks Rico is dead so she fucks Kevin, I'm sure. Michael Ironside dies in combat, which puts Rico in charge of the Roughnecks for whatever reason. I guess it's like in that new "Star Trek" movie where Kirk went from ship stowaway to Captain in .09 seconds.

Rico demands that a "crazy pilot" shows up to save them. HMMM I WONDER WHO'LL THAT BE OH SHIT IT'S CARMEN! Rico also gets to fuck Desi finally but she too is killed in combat. Y'know, Rico, you KNOW that thing that BOUGHT YOU BACK TO LIFE?!?!?! Why don't YOU use it??? I mean, she's NOW you're girlfriend. Asshole.

Whatever. So the end as our heroes looking for this Brain Bug and they find it and he is one ugly motherfucker. Carmen manages to disable it when Rico shows up with a nuke, which could easily kill ALL THE BUGS but he doesn't. YOU ARE A SHITTY LEADER, RICO!!!

Instead, some other guy grabs the nuke and blows all the bugs BUT THE BRAIN BUG up. Turns out, off camera, some other guy captured The Brain Bug. That other guy? The drill sergeant. Wow. And so the movie ends with everyone promoted and they're off to fight another day!

And that was "Starship Troopers". It's a weird fucking movie which makes NO SENSE but...I still liked it. It wasn't horrible and it wasn't "so bad it's good" it was just kinda alright. I couldn't shut my brain off cause things just didn't make sense like WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BRING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE?!?!?!?!?!??!?! UGH that bothered me so much. OUTSIDE of that, it's an enjoyable movie and I'll watch it again. At least there were tits in it. Oh, now I'm thinking about that again. Excuse me, I'm gonna go freeze myself. Don't wake me up until the year 289,989.


-Jason

And that's it! Reader's Choice is now over! What a fun ride! As for the other movies from that list/poll, I will be getting to those soon enough. So thanks to everyone who voted and partook. I enjoyed myself.

The Lair of the Unwanted #26: Good Cop, Dead Cop

In the first of two episodes per month, Jason and Nolahn discuss the 1988 Joe Piscopo CLASSIC "Dead Heat". They also talk about B-Fest, the annual Binnie Awards, and who their favorite TV or movie cops are.

The Soto List: Bad Musicals Edition

I normally don't watch musicals cause they're all pretty much the same. Guy. Girl. Love. Singing. The end. Sometimes, some movies decide to make a "far out there" musical, or just add a song out of nowhere for whatever reason. I wouldn't call these songs "Great" but they're probably the better part of the movie they were in. Here's my List of 10 Musical Performances From B/Bad Movies I've Seen!

10. Stunt Rock

From this year's B-Fest, the movie "Stunt Rock" delivered on it's title: there were stunts and there was rock and that's all there was! The rock was performed by this band called Sorcery and they had some catchy songs. The one I wanted to use, "Woman", I can't find on Youtube so you're getting this one instead. It gives you an idea on what they're all about.

9. Xanadu

When I first seen this movie, I couldn't get this damn song out of my head. But where else are you gonna see Olivia Newton-John dance with Gene Kelly and trying to woo the leader of "The Warriors"? Only in "Xanadu" my friend.

8. Alice in Wonderland (1976)

This is a musical porno version of "Alice in Wonderland". Suddenly the Johnny Depp version isn't so bad now, huh? Anyway, all the songs sounded the same to me, so I linked to this one cause it features people dressed like cats, promising to lick Alice dry. I...don't know. The '70s was a weird time.

7. Cool As Ice

This entire clip basically tells you the entire story of the movie. There's Vanilla Ice in that fucking weird ass outfit, trying to woo a girl who looks like my friend's ex-girlfriend, and all the "normal straight laced people" in town don't approve of such things like rap and dancing in public! Shock and awe! Vanilla Ice is in a town full of Republicans!

6. Rock n Roll Nightmare

Oh my god, "Rock n Roll Nightmare". I think I legitimately like this song. I think everyone should see this movie at least once. It's that amazing!

5. Hard Rock Zombies

So a band comes to some small town. They don't like rock music. At all. So naturally, the band is going to run around and make asses out of themselves. And I love that this song is simply called "Na Na Na". I guess "Doo Doo Dee Doo" was taken.

4. Forbidden Zone
(WARNING: VIDEOS BELOW ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK! GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKER!)



This is a double shot cause this movie is SOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUCKINGGGGG WEEEEEIRD that you HAD to see for yourself. And I had to include Danny Elfman as Satan. I just had to, man!

3. New Years Evil

When I reviewed this movie in December, I found out I was the only one that thought this song was fun. I think people thought I took it seriously. You can't take this song seriously. It's good cheesy '80s hair metal, just like everything else I linked in this post. Enjoy!

2. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band

You WILL believe that George Burns sang a Beatles song that may or may not be about heroin use. YOU WILL BELIEVE!

1. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Y'know, despite it being Bea Arthur singing, it's really not that bad. Of course, this song is about an hour into the "Special" and your mind is more or less fucking gone by this point, but still, it's not a bad song. I think Bea did a great job with what she had. RIP Bea.

And that's it. These weren't the best or the top or anything, just some of my favorites, mixed in with some I couldn't believe when I saw. Feel free to form your own opinion!
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #13

Oh damn, I almost forgot. What with all the B-fests and me being sick and "Long Kiss Goodnight" and whatnot. Anyway, without further ado:

If you haven't seen "The Burning" you have a problem. Or you're just not aware of it. Either way, it features a young George Constanza, a young Fisher Stevens, and Holly Hunter is running around there somewhere. It's a decent slasher that may or may not rip off "Friday the 13th". Might be a bit slow. But I still recommend it if you haven't seen it.

With that done, onto The Netflix Game! Here are the current scores:

Nick-29
Dan-17
Steve-9
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: A band goofs off while on tour.-A Hard Days Night
Medium: A band tries not to break up.-Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (I should've made this the hard clue)
Easy: Everything that can go wrong while on tour does.-This Is Spinal Tap

Here's this week's clues:
Hard: A bunch of random scenes occur.
Medium: A bunch of random scenes revolve around a TV station.
Easy: A bunch of random scenes revolve around an experimental drug.
(The key to unlocking this is if you figure out one of them, then you know what direction I'm going in for the others.)

Good luck!
-Jason

Reader's Choice: The Long Kiss Goodnight

I really didn't have much interest in watching this movie until a few months ago it was chosen to be the LAMB's Movie of the Month and everyone on that episode talked about how crazy this movie was. So it got me curious and I decided to include it as a choice for you wonderful readers out there.

First off, the movie is directed by Renny Harlin, who directed things like "Die Hard 2" and that one pirate movie with Geena Davis that I can't remember the name of right now. But anyway, he's like Diet Michael Bay: he makes movies with stupid action sequences but at least there's plot and the movie doesn't make you want to stab yourself in the throat.

"The Long Kiss Goodnight" starts with Geena Davis telling us that eight (8) years ago, she suddenly found self not remembering anything about her life, and pregnant. She goes by the name Samantha and she has a kid named Caitlin. She's dating some guy who's name I don't remember and she became a school teacher.

Anyway, she did hire some private investigators to look into her past but no one could find anything in eight years. Intro Mitch Henessey, played AWESOMELY by Samuel L. Jackson. Henessey is a low rent P.I who...has her hot secretary pretend to be prostitutes in order to bribe married men? I don't know, I found that whole part confusing. Once I figure it out, I shall steal that idea cause it sounds interesting.

Anyway, of all the P.I's in the world, Henessey gets some info on Samantha in a rather convoluted way. Something about a former landlord died and the landlord's grandson tried to use a credit card...I dunno this is the boring set up that no one cares about. Just he finds out somehow.

Apparently in the '90s, it was a thing to be in hiding from some bad guys but you end up getting filmed on TV. It happened in "Cool As Ice" and it happens here. Some guy is in prison and he spots Samantha on TV in a parade and he goes nuts and breaks out of prison.

Meanwhile, Samantha is slowly remembering small things, like how to chop carrots. This leads her to believe she was a chef in her previous life. I'd love to see a cooking show that mixes food and spying.

"Hey, this is Rachael Ray and in just 30 minutes I'll make yummy EVOO roasted potatoes and defuse this bomb while shooting machine guns. Stay tuned!"

Oh if Guy Fieri ends up being a spy, that'd be the most awesome cover ever.

"In order to hide who you are, you must pronounce your last name wrong, look and act like a douchebag, and say things normal people don't say, like 'Flavortown'."

Anyway.

Crazy guy finds Sam's house and she goes into spy mode and kills him. Henessey shows up too and they join forces to figure out who's trying to kill her. Meanwhile we're introduced to ten million bad guys. You got this one guy who looks like a '90s Clive Owen, you got her former boss, you had that prisoner guy, you have some old professor guy, and you have David Morse.

You know, unless you're watching "The Langoliers", if David Morse shows up in a movie, you need to assume he's the bad guy. Wait, wasn't he in "Drive Angry"? He was a good guy in that too. Hm...

Anyway. Again.

Turns out Samantha use to be a spy for the US Government named Charlie Baltimore. I had to stop for a moment cause I heard that name before. And you won't fucking believe this!



Odd thing is, Charlie Baltimore sounds like a total made up name, where as Samantha is a normal name. So I think her real name WAS Samantha but then she became a spy and changed it to the cool sounding Charlie Baltimore.

Anyway, being "spy Geena Davis" involves chopping off her hair, wearing lots of dark eye makeup and smoking non-stop. While showing your tits to everyone BUT the audience. BOO!! Once she remembers she's a spy, it turns into your typical '90s action flick. I will talk about some stupid action moments.

First involves running from '90s Clive Owen and his goons at a train station that has 9 stories for some reason. The goons chase our heroes up to the third floor and as they're about to make a run for it, the goons throw a grenade. Geena Davis sees the only way out is a window but they're three floors up. So they run, the grenade goes off, they OUTRUN a fireball, jump out the window, she shoots down at the ice, breaking it, and they land safely in the frozen water.

Bullshit moment #2 happens later in the movie. Ok so you know the bad guys had to go after her kid, that's why kids exist. I'm never having a kid cause I know all my enemies will just come after them to get to me.

I can't believe you hate "Murder Set Pieces". It's represents the government and-

Shut up. Anyway.

So '90s Clive Owen has the kid and Geena Davis is going after her. They have Samuel L. Jackson tied up to a chair in a room. '90s Clive Owen manages to capture Geena Davis and put her in a freezer with the kid and let them freeze to death. The bad guy's plan? It was so fucking convuluted it gave me a headache. Keep up with me.

The agency Geena Davis use to work for got it's funding cut. The head of the agency is a big baby so to prove to the President that his agency needs money, he's gonna set up his own complicated terrorist act that involved a former terrorist who tried to blow up the World Trade Cent-.....OH FUCKING SHIT WHAT?!?!?!??

My mind is blown! I mean, this was 1996. 9/11 was like 5 years away. A MERE five years! OH SHIT I KNOW TOO MUCH!! Now I'm definitely not having kids! Ok before I pack up my stuff and change my name, let's finish this.

Pretty much they're gonna blow something up and say a terrorist did it and the agency will go "Huh? See? If we had our money, we could've stop that! Huh?!" It's complicated. Anyway, Geena Davis and her kid is in a freezer and Samuel L. Jackson is upstairs tied up.

Geena Davis manages to smuggle in some gasoline and spills it all over the place and wants to blow the freezer door off. She manages to do this and with just an OUNCE of gasoline, she manages to blow up half the building and cause Sam Jackson to go FLYING OUT THE WINDOW TIED TO THE CHAIR AND LAND SAFELY OUTSIDE IN A TREE! I...WHAT?! THE FUCK?!? I MEAN!! WHAT?!?!?!

So Geena Davis manages to kill all the people that need to be killed and Samuel L. Jackson has a great line in this movie: "I'm not dead, motherfucker!" That should be on his tombstone. It's a shame "Snakes on a Plane" happened AFTER this cause I think this line is what he should be remembered for.

But I still love "Snakes on a Plane".

Geena Davis retires from the spy business and settles down in some country cottage with the guy and the kid. Samuel L. Jackson gets to meet Larry King (this really happened in the movie) and it's over.

This movie is so fucking ridiculous that it's a lot of fun. It's not a GREAT movie, but it's not BAD either. It's a movie you can watch some Saturday afternoon when you're bored and there's nothing to do. There's probably other movies you could watch but you won't be disappointed by this. And I'm glad I finally got to watch it.



-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Sort of)

So here's the full story. After the last B-Movie Meatloaf, it was decided that I, Jason Soto, get to pick the next topic. After thinking for a few moments, I decided to go with "The Films of Andy Sidaris" mainly because I just recently purchased the box set with all his movies. I picked "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" for myself and was pleased as punch.

Then January happens. This I won't get into too much but some things went down and yadda yadda yadda, I don't have my DVD copy of "Hard Ticket to Hawaii". I looked EVERYWHERE online for it and couldn't find it available anywhere. I could've went the "illegal" route but...you know things have been going down lately has a result of that.

So now stuck with nothing else to do, what I decided was scour Youtube, find all the clips of "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" I could find and watch those, to make some sense out of it. I will probably plan on reviewing the actual movie at some point but for now, this will have to do.

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" stars Ronn Moss as Rowdy Abilene (Wow really? Rowdy? Ok...), Donna Speir as...Donna and some other people I'm sure aren't important. Anyway, I'm guessing Rowdy and some other chick who isn't Donna is on the beach and they come across some dude with a machine guy. After Machine Gun Guy tells them to go away, Rowdy starts throwing a frisbee at him and the Guy catches it all fancy like. Rowdy tells Not Donna to go away and when she does, he tells her for no real reason "You have a great ass". I'm sure she said "Oh I always wondered that. Thanks!" Anyway, Rowdy switches the frisbee with one with razor blades glued on it and he throws it, which immediately kills Machine Gun Guy. This scene is awesome.



Then there's a scene where Donna and some chick are in a room talking and the only posters you find are all movies Andy Sidaris made. Anyway, I don't know what the real point of this scene was. Besides boobs. Maybe that was the only point.



My next favorite scene outside the frisbee scene is probably this one with the snake. Some snake is bugging Donna and she doesn't know how to kill a snake with her boobs. So Rowdy comes in on a motorcycle and blows the fuck out of it with a bazooka. Damn dude. But it did the trick!



OH SHIT THIS IS WHERE THE SNAKE CAME FROM!!



So this next scene, Rowdy and some guy is in a Jeep when some skateboarder is coming at them. The skateboarder is riding the skateboard on his hands. Rowdy and friend dodge him and move on. The skateboarder gets up and gets into a car with an Hawaiian guy and a blow up doll. They follow Rowdy until the skateboarder gets out, grabs the blow up doll, and chases after them. Rowdy then proceeds to run him over, throw him in the air, blow him up with a bazooka, and then blows up the blow up doll with a bazooka.

...what?




I'm afraid nothing could top that, so I'm ending there. I really can't wait to see this whole movie. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a full review but I think this will do for now. And from what I've seen, I've got to say it looks fucking amazing! I'm sure I will up this when I really get to it but for now I will have to give it:



-Jason