Building A Cult Movie: Boogerman

I'm not the biggest video game fan on the planet. It took me forever to master "Guitar Hero" (You try playing "Heart Shape Box" on demo mode in a Best Buy and not be nervous) and this was mainly as a kid growing up, I didn't have a lot of game consoles. I had an Atari of course, but I think EVERYONE in the '80s had one. Then a GameBoy. Then eventually I got a Sega Genesis. Now you know you're old if you remember when consoles CAME with games. Nintendo had "Super Mario Brothers" and Genesis had "Sonic". After I beat Sonic (some six months later) I eventually asked for another Genesis game. Yeah, I only played one game at a time. I told you I wasn't a gamer. Anyway, the next Genesis game I got was "Boogerman".

I'm sure whoever in my family got me this game saw the title and said "Oh yeah, Jason is going to love this". Not that I'm gross in anyway, but I was a bit immature, even at age 13. I dunno if anyone remembers "Boogerman" but allow me to refresh your memory.

Boogerman was a super hero who had the ability to use his farts to fly around, pick non-stop boogers as weapons, and burped a lot. Naturally, this is the best game in the whole fucking world. That's right, I used PRESENT tense! Sure "Grand Theft Auto" features car jacking and fucking prostitutes, but you FLEW WHILE FARTING! How awesome is that?

In this world of turning every video game into a movie, I'm surprised "Boogerman" hasn't been touched yet. So that's what I'm here to write about. To theorize a "Boogerman" film and how it would go down.

The story from the video game is perfect. Here, I'll quote Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the planet:

"One dark and stormy evening, The civic-minded Professor Stinkbaum was working in his lab where he was secretly building a machine that would save the world from pollution by transporting it to a place he called Dimension X Crement. That same evening, overtly eccentric turd, Sam Leuck paid a visit to the lab to investigate this project and find out how such a thing was possible. He wasn't too sure about the machine's purpose. When the machine was activated, a cloud of pepper was inhaled through the nose by Stinkbaum, causing him to let out a mighty sneeze. The power of said sneeze broke the machine. As a result of it breaking, a portal opens from it. Just then, a mysterious giant arm pops out of the portal and steals the machine’s main power source. In response to this danger, Leuck rushes into the Men’s room to change into his alter ego, the mighty Boogerman! After doing so, he jumped into the portal to pursue the arm to learn the reason for the theft it had committed."

I think that story works. Now, of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, they'd insist on a origin story. How did Sam become Boogerman? You know what? Who gives a fuck? It can be explained quickly in a flashback if needed, do we need a whole movie telling us the origin of a superhero? How stupid would THAT be?



Oh. Anyway.

Casting. Assuming this doesn't become a big Hollywood thing (And with a story like this, I doubt it) I think some minor league players could get a shot here. For the main role of Boogerman, for some reason, I'm picturing Jon Polito, who you might know from a slew of Coen Brothers films, like "The Big Lebowski" or if you watch "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" he played Frank's brother.

Looks like he already played a superhero of some kind.

I'm only going by how Boogerman LOOKS on the cover of the game. Now if you ignore THAT, a comedian who isn't afraid to take strange roles, like a shaved Zach Galifianakis. Have you never seen him without the beard?

Something like this.

Or maybe Patton Oswalt would be funny. So any of those would work.

Now the main villain is named Boogermeister. He's basically this giant guy with a green splat for a face, so some heavy makeup work would need to be done. This could be done by anyone really. You could go with Jim Carrey, who's done stuff like this before, but let's think outside the box. I'm serious about this but I think Jeff Goldblum would be awesome at it. I don't know if Goldblum ever played a villain before (I guess "The Fly" kinda counts?) and I think he'd have fun in the role.

Now, this being a movie, I'm sure there'd have to be a love interest or at least a woman in there somewhere. There wasn't in the game but I'm sure she'd get written in. And if they were aiming this film for the kids, there'd be a kid and/or a pet and/or both mixed in. The pet will probably be a dog or a monkey, but they should be different and go with an animal that isn't used a whole lot. Like say, a sheep.

And I just happen to know a Sheep.

So for the woman and kid, I guess it could be anybody who's willing to take the part. I'm sure the kid would have to be an unknown since all the kid actors I've liked are all grown up now (Like, say, half the cast from "The Sandlot"). The woman, since it involves gross humor, could be played by Sarah Silverman. I guess she could be like Snot Queen or something, who rules the planet/dimension the film takes place in. Again, I'm just spitballing here cause the WHOLE movie can't be just Boogerman roaming around this dimension, can it?

The final part of this puzzle would be who would direct it. I know Uwe Boll seems to have stock in making video game movies as of late, but I think he'd fuck it up and have Boogerman carry a gun for no reason. I hate Michael Bay. So I think it'd have to be Paul W.S Anderson. Or maybe Paul Verhoeven. What's he up to lately? Is he even still alive? Anyway, both of them are familiar with fantastic settings and should be able to pull it off.

To recap, here's the cast I have for "Boogerman: The Movie":
Boogerman-Zach Galifianakis/Patton Oswalt (Last resort: Jon Polito)
Professor Stinkbaum-Whoever up above who doesn't play Boogerman would be good for this role.
Boogermeister-Jeff Goldblum (Last Resort: Jim Carrey)
Female Companion/Love Interest-Sarah Silverman
Kid-Unknown (What about the kid from "Hugo"? Sure, why not?)
Pet-Sheep

Directed by Paul W.S Anderson or Paul Verhoeven
Written by? Of course me! Since I think I'm the only one who even remembers this stupid game to begin with.

Anyway, tell me how horribly wrong I am in the comments or if you even remember the game.
-Jason