Friday, March 30, 2012

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack 2

Nick Jobe, during his year and a half of reviewing different movies each week, has fallen victim to the Netflix Curse. Well, now you can include me in that. The Netflix Curse is when you saw a movie on Instant Watch one week, then when you go to watch it, you find it's suddenly gone. I was GOING to review "Shark Attack", the first film in the series that, I thought, ended with "Shark Attack 3: Megaladon" (more on that later). But lo and behold, it is not available on Instant Watch anymore. Well fucking boo!

So "Shark Attack 2" it is! I figured they're not totally related to each other, it doesn't matter anyway. And guess what? I was right. Well, sort of. There's an sort of connection between the first film and the second film, and there's an odd connection between the second and the third. The tie in to Parts 2 and 3 is basically this: both were directed by David Worth AND Part 2 is pretty much a boring version of Part 3.

If you've only seen Part 3, take all the funny hilarious stuff you know about it out and what you have left is Part 2. Don't believe me? DASH LIST ALERT!

-Both movies feature a hunky male lead who work on and/or in the water somehow.
-Both work for a company who's President is EEEEEEVVVVILLLLL!!! and only wants to line his pockets with money thanks to stupid people like you and me.
-Both feature a pretty attractive female lead who's looking for the shark for her own personal reasons.
-Both feature small characters who you think won't be important until they take over the entire final third act.
-Both movies feature the hunky male and the attractive female not liking each other at the beginning, then slowly falling in love, then both of them fucking in slow motion while corny '90s R&B plays in the background.
-Both movies feature the humans trying to fight a shark in a small submarine that looks like would be too small for a Smurf.
-Both movies feature a ridiculous explosion at the end that supposedly killed the shark.
-Oh and both movies feature sharks.

Strangely enough, I think the budget was bigger for this film cause the CGI and the green screen was at least believeable. But like I said, it made the movie more boring.

I could get into the story, I guess, but it doesn't really matter. I mean you got the attractive female named Samantha who's scuba diving with her sister, what's-her-name, when they come across a shark. The shark eats the sister and Samantha is like "NOOOO!!!!"

One week later, our hunky lead male Nick works for a water park in Cape Town...(I guess they changed the name to include the ellipses) and the name of the water park is, I swear to god, "Water World". PFFFT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, pre-1995 movies. Anyway-

What? This movie was made in 2000? POST Kevin Costner "Waterworld"? Are you fucking kidding me?! Why would you name a water park that, KNOWING there's a somewhat horrible movie ABOUT water named "Waterworld"? You know people are just going to think it's a lame tribute to the movie. People will be showing up with their VHS copies of "Field of Dreams" or "Bull Durham", waiting to meet Kevin Costner and instead they'll find a chucky EVVVILLLL guy in a suit going "BUY STUPID HATS WITH FINS ON THEM YOU FUCKING MORONS! HAHAHAHA!!"


The shark that killed whats-her-name appeared in town, so Nick is sent to find it, capture it, and make it a new attracting at Kevin Costner Land. Well, guess what? Just guess. Write the rest of the fucking movie in your head, cause you know what happens next.

Oh. You want ME to tell you? Oh that's right, I'm here to entertain you. Well ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! Ok, at least say it with me.

"The shark goes crazy, kills a worker in the park, manages to get loose, and now Nick must stop it at all costs."

Well, there is a small twist though. The EVVVILLL president guy blames Nick for the incident, fires him, and hires The Crocodile Hunter.

Ok, it wasn't really The Crocodile Hunter. But it was an Australian guy. Who had a TV show. On The Discovery Channel. Who else do you think it was? Anyway, THIS guy is a major asshole and he's out to kill the shark before anyone else does.

Have you seen "Jaws"? Ok, say the next part with me then.

"They have to close the beaches and cancel an event that's happening RIGHT on the beach because this guy captured the wrong shark."


The shark kills a few more people, including The Crocodile Hunter's friends, and NOW it's personal. It's revealed that whatever went on in the first movie caused these sharks to mutate and now they're thirsty...FOR BLOOD!

Wait, aren't all sharks thirsty for blood? That's like saying "Oh no stop that man! He's hungry....FOR PIZZA!!!!"

I would watch a movie where a guy tries to eat pizza and people keep trying to kill him. Someone make that movie.

Ok, you know how this ends. Say it with me.

"All three characters team up to kill the shark, the Crocodile Hunter is now a good guy thanks to him facing near death, there's a lame scene in a small sub full of explosives and we're suppose to think everyone's dead but everyone gets out of the situation at the last minute."

Man, you guys are good.

So that's "Shark Attack 2". Just watch "Shark Attack 3", it's a WAY better movie. I never thought that'd be possible, but it is. And you know what? I'm getting burnt out on all these sharks movie. I think I need to take a few days off, then review a different movie. I'll have to figure that out later. Anyway.

If you're reading this, then you probably know Dylan Fields from Man, I Love Films. And you also know it's hard to get him to watch a bad movie, let alone a horror movie. But somehow not only did I get him to do so, but I got him to write a review on his own site for the first time in like a billion years. So mucho thanks to Dylan for taking over my Thursday column and reviewing "Shark Zone".

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