Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus
I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I can't recall it but it's gonna be a struggle. And I'll forget some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-
"Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus" can be taken as a sequel to "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" but that's like saying my left nut is a sequel to my right nut. Both are in the general area and both feature the same things but really, both are very different. Especially the left one. The way it-
Damn it. Sorry.
The movie starts with a Naval ship in the ocean and there's a guy looking at the worst CGI shark in a CGI tank (really guys you couldn't afford a giant plastic tub?) and the guy turns around and...HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S STEVE URKEL!! I'm not saying he LOOKS like Urkel...IT IS URKEL!! What the fuck is Urkel doing...oh nevermind. The Asylum. I get it.
Believe it or not, Urkel is some military shark expert, I guess, and he thinks the Mega Shark from the previous movie is still alive. Instead of bothering Debbie Gibson, they just named the ship after her and move on. After Urkel yells at the commander about Mega Shark still being alive, Mega Shark shows up, crushing the ship and kill Urkel's girlfriend. Laura, no!
Meanwhile in the Congo (I would make a joke here but I haven't seen "Congo". Sorry to disappoint) some Australian guy with a gun is making people dig around in a cave. For diamonds I guess. I think Leonardo Di Caprio made a movie about this but I'm not certain.
Y'know, I still haven't seen "Shutter Island" yet. My future sister-in-law told me the "twist" ending but I still want to see it. Supposedly it's very good and-
The damn crocasaurus shows up and chomps up some people. We then meet Nigel. Nigel is your typical bad ass hero in that he's dishonest, owns several weapons, and looks like he hasn't bathed in months. But god damn if he isn't still ruggedly handsome. To prove this, a HOT AUSTRALIAN chick shows up and asks Nigel for help in tracking down the croc. I am going to say that again. An AUSTRALIAN asks some BRITISH GUY named NIGEL for help in tracking down a GIANT CROCODILE! I...I hope Tom Clift reads this. Fuck, I'll MAKE him read this. Tom, do you find it insulting that an Australian had to ask a British guy for help in tracking down a giant crocodile? Or are you more insulted that I'm asking you this question?
To get to the punchline, Nigel and the hot Australian chick roam around Congo for five minutes when she falls into giant croc pee and then gets eaten by the giant croc. Nigel manages to shoot the croc with a tranquilizer, which knocks it out.
Meanwhile, Urkel is being questioned about being the only survivor of USS Debbie Gibson (OH GOD WHEN SHE DIES LET THIS REALLY HAPPEN) until some stuck up but still kinda hot chick named Hutchinson shows up, tells Urkel he's gonna help her and her top secret team of Mega Shark Hunters kill Mega Shark, and take her to a submarine. The Admiral of this submarine is played by Robert Picardo, who if you're a Star Trek fan, or Dylan Fields, you know that name immediately. Anyway, they ask Urkel for help in tracking down Mega Shark.
Nigel, meanwhile, is transporting the Giant Croc to Florida. Oh that makes sense. They don't have a BIG enough crocodile problem to begin with. Let's bring a 200 ton one there. While we're at it, when we find Mega Grandma, let's bring her there too! Jeez.
Hey guess what? Giant Croc wakes up when Mega Shark comes by to scope out the boat with the giant croc and they sorta fight but the CGI is so awful it's hard to tell. Anyway, the ship is destroyed and Hutchinson is dispatched to pick up Nigel so he'll work with Urkel to get both Mega Shark and Giant Croc.
The rest of the movie is pretty much Nigel and Urkel going to different parts of the world where either Mega Shark, the croc, or at times both are, try to kill them but instead ends up destroying the nearby city. This includes Miami, Panama, and Hawaii. And if that wasn't enough, Croc is laying eggs everywhere so now they have to find giant croc eggs and kill those as well. But Mega Shark is also after the eggs cause they're yummy or something. It's very boring in this middle part.
Fuck, the entire movie is boring, save for the random hot chicks that appear. There's a hot chick that runs a sub, a science lab that's testing a croc egg, and one at some power plant. Oh, the power plant. I have NO IDEA what was going on with the power plant. They kept saying "Arc Light" over and over again and it made lighting or something. I dunno.
Anyway, Urkel starts losing his shit to the point where he thinks Hutchinson is his girlfriend and tries to carry her out of a crashed helicopter. Eventually, they get the two giant beasts to fight while a volcano goes off, which kills them both. And Robert Picardo smokes a cigar. That's it.
I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I couldn't recall it but it was a struggle. And I probably forgot some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-
Wait, I just said all this, didn't I? Weird.
This movie is boring, stupid, and sucks. You'll be better off watching this. Let's just move on.