Monday, March 26, 2012
Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): 2-Headed Shark Attack
Oh boy, buckle in, this is going to be an interesting ride. Yet again, made by the "fine" folks at The Asylum, this is a different take on the shark attack movie. And that different take is "what if a shark....HAD TWO HEADS!! DUDE!!!! Pass the bong..." I will admit the addition of a head is interesting but it's barely explained why or how it got two heads. I guess we're not suppose to care, we just want to see teenagers get chomped!
Before I get to that, let me tell you who's all in this movie. There's Jerry O'Connell...'s brother Charlie.
There's Hulk Hogan...'s daughter Brooke Hogan.
And there's Carmen Electra....oh that's it. Just Carmen Electra. And Carmen Electra is LITERALLY just there in the movie. I don't even know what her name was. The others I'm being lazy on and not bothering with their characters name but I swear to God she didn't have a name. All of her scenes entailed her standing on a boat in a bikini, showing off her cleavage, and looking off in the distance. FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE!
So what's going on? Honestly, I don't get the set up. It's like Spring Break: The School. A bunch of college kids (I guess they're college?) are all in bikini's and swim trunks on a boat while Charlie O'Connell tells them what different ship instruments do. Cut to Brooke Hogan, who decides to be the sarcastic bitch during the movie. This wouldn't be too bad except she's suppose to be our hero!
We meet the other kids, which include every stereotype you can think of. There the muscle bound juice head who I'm sure The Asylum tried to get The Situation to play. There's the "nerdy" guy who reminded me of the guy who got arrested in the beginning of "Super Troopers". ("Snozzenberries takes like snozzenberries!"). There's the wound tight SUPER bitchy chick who seems to hate everyone. And...the rest. I'm gonna point out right now that all the girls in this movie were fucking hot as hell. And they were in bikini's the entire movie. AND there was a lot of running. That's all I'm gonna say, I don't wanna lose the little female followers I do have.
Anyway, they're on this boat doing I don't even know what when the two headed shark shows up, rams into the boat, causing it to crack the hull and take in water. My confusion isn't helped any when there's ANOTHER chick who's steering the boat and I dunno who she was suppose to be. She was pretty hot, but holy fuck a horrible actress. Actually, EVERYBODY in this movie was horrible, so I guess that's a moot point.
The random chick tells Charlie O'Donnell that it'll take a day to fix the crack in the boat. One of the random students spots an island nearby, so they decide to go there while the boat is being fixed. Then it kinda reminded me of a slasher movie. You got your dumb students, roaming around a deserted island, they THINK it's deserted, but a killer is stalking them! And the island is seriously something out of "Lost", there's houses and whatnot all over. If they find a hatch, I'm out of here!
Of course, they separate to look around at stuff. One guy goes with two girls and they get in the water, take their clothes off, and all three start making out. Wow! This is the best day of this guy's life! Too bad he has to die CHOMP MOTHAFUCKA!!!
Oh the random girl on the boat fixing the break also gets eaten. Her scenes are hilarious cause The Asylum couldn't either afford to film underwater or the girl didn't know how to swim so not only was the shark CGI, but so was the girl and it was like watching Pixar's "2-Headed Shark Attack" with John Ratzenberger as the shark.
"Heeey, uh, I'm gonna eat if you that's alright."
There's a lot of scenes of the students being stupid and the Fake Situation being a royal douchebag and trying to grope Brooke Hogan all the time. Meanwhile, Carmen Electra is just sunbathing on the boat. Eventually two crew people on the boat realize the random girl is dead and freak out. The island starts shaking and Charlie barely scrapes his knee and suddenly he can't walk. There's all kinds of crazy shit going on!
Turns out the island is an atoll and it's slowly sinking. While roaming the island, the students find two motorboats and of course Brooke Hogan knows how to fix them. Of course! She fixes them, Situation creates a situation by taking one for himself and leaving everybody behind to join The Others. Brooke Hogan goes "OH HELL NO BROTHER!" and chases after him.
So you know what's coming, I knew what was coming, but it took so god damn long! Finally, Situation Douche manages to get two people from his boat to fall into the water and get chomped by the shark. Everyone freaks out about the shark having two heads and goes back to the sinking island/atoll.
Realizing that sharks are attracted to electric energy, they create a big power source to distract the shark while the ship is finished being repaired. Who's gonna repair the hole in the boat? Why, Brooke Hogan of course! Man, her resume is impressive.
1998-2000: Boat repair
2001-2005: Welder extraordinaire!
2005-2011: Started wearing low cut bikini's and realized guy will give me money to do anything so screw those other things!
So Brooke and Douchiuation (I'm running out of words, thankfully this review is almost over) go to the boat, Brooke fixes the hole and when he gets the signal it's fixed, HE decides to steal the boat. Oh good job, asshole.
But even if he didn't steal the boat, and the others got on and headed to freedom, they wouldn't have lasted too long cause the shark start ramming into the boat, causing it to finally sink. And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche.
Not knowing what to do, Brooke goes back to the island and everybody just sorta gives up and prepares to die. Charlie and Carmen face the shark head on and before they get chomped, they kiss. Wow, I bet he couldn't wait for that scene. The other students start running when the island finally falls into the water and the shark comes after them. There's a funny scene where a guy takes a cross from a church that was on the island and starts wailing on the shark with it. Talk about telling somebody about Jesus.
Anyway, all the minor students with one or two lines all get chomped and it's just Brooke and the nerdy guy left. They tried to blow it up with a gas can but their lighter got wet and wouldn't lit. Brooke Hogan remembers she's the daughter of a wrestler and decides to wrestle it! Ok, not really, but that'd be awesome. What she does instead, and I'm being serious this time, is just STAB THE SHIT OUT OF IT like a crazed O.J! It does some damage but it isn't until the shark eats a motorboat that it decides to blow up randomly. And thanks to a transponder on the sinking boat, the Coast Guard comes to save Brooke and the nerdy guy. The end.
Phew. This is one of those movies that's so bad it's hard to describe how bad it is. you just need to see this for yourself. Compared to the other The Asylum shark movies, this one is still bad in execution but kind of a lot of fun. It's a "bad movie night" type of movie. Plus if you're a guy, there's lots and lots and LOTS of tits to look at. The Asylum pretends they don't know what they're doing, but really, they do.
This rating is on entertainment value ALONE.