It's time I try to figure out what a good movie in theaters is about based solely on the name, the movie poster, and the trailer. This time, there's some movie named "John Carter" that's out and I never heard of this prior to it being released in theaters, so now I'm gonna figure it out.
First, by name. Well, it's a guy's name. So based on OTHER movies based on guys names (Michael Clayton, Ray, Beetlejuice) I'm guessing it's either an action shoot 'em up flick starring, I dunno, Channing Tatum or John Cena. Like it's about a guy who may or may not be a federal agent and either someone he loves is kidnapped (wife, girlfriend, kid, all three at the same time) or they're trying to frame him for a horrible crime and it's up to JOHN CARTER to fuck shit up! YOU DON'T MESS WITH FEDERAL AGENT JOHN CARTER!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Now, show me the poster!
Ummmm....WHAT?!? Why does it look like a "Conan The Barbarian" movie? Is this a The Asylum version of Conan? I mean if so, why the fuck "JOHN CARTER"?!? I mean, look at that name John Carter. OH! Maybe it's a time travel movie! Maybe the muscle bound guy is from our time, a federal agent of sorts, and he's sent back to the barbarian time either accidentally or for a mission and he must KICK ALL KINDS OF ASS IN THE PAST!! FUCK YEAH!! Now I gotta see the trailer for that!
I.....don't get it. Wait. DISNEY?! It looks like a lost "Star Wars" film! What the fuck?! I'm so confused. Why is it called "John Carter"? The fuck kinda name is that for a barbarian alien guy? WAIT HE'S FROM EARTH?! Maybe I'm right. So he's a time traveling intergalactic travelling guy...named John Carter...the most boring name ever. DON'T FUCKING NAME YOUR MOVIE THAT!!! That's terrible. I'm sure this movie sucks. NEXT!