Monday, May 07, 2012

Bikini Girls On Ice

Almost every day when I go flipping around Netflix for what to watch I see this movie called "Bikini Girls On Ice" and go "Oh my, that sounds fucking retarded...I must review that soon!" Well, today's the day, folks! And I gotta be honest with you, it's not AS retarded as I thought it was gonna be.

You know you got a slasher movie on your hands when the opening shows a girl who'll never be important to the movie ever again after this opening scene. She shows up at this broke down gas station, wearing a bikini, and looks for help cause her cell phone went out. She calls a friend using a-GASP-LAND LINE AND DOUBLE GASP IT'S A ROTARY PHONE! I'm sure in real life, this chick would look at this thing and go " do I slide to unlock?"

After calling her friend about bikini issues, she goes back to her car to find someone chained her bumper to...something off camera. And because women don't know how cars work, she doesn't understand how to simply undo the chain from the bumper and therefore she's killed by a dude who looks like a greasy Jared Padalecki (the tall guy from "Supernatural"), and then to live up to the title, Sam Winchester puts the girl on ice.

Well, that's one girl in a bikini on ice. Just need one more and the title will make sense.

Now we meet Jenna, who's a smart college girl who normally doesn't wear bikinis. Despite this character flaw, she's pretty ok in my book. She gets offers to join schools all over the country! Like University of Lordia! And Aarvard! WOW! Best I can do is get an offer from University of Honix. Anyway, her roommate Samantha (or Sam) LOVES wearing bikinis! And buys one for Jenna! So she can be part of the awesome bikini group that's happening. So what is happening?

Some hot girls at this college we never learn the name of want to organize a car wash and it's run by this somewhat hot but extremely BITTTTTTCHY girl who wants to do this for...pretty much no reason. I mean WHY NOT? It's an excuse to get hot girls in bikini's. So whatever. Anyway, the bitchy girl bosses around this guy named Blake, who looks like a poor man's Shia LaBeaouf. And you have problems if you're the POOR MAN's Shia LaBeaouf.

So yadda yadda yadda Blake wants to fuck the bitchy chick, one of Blake's friends wants to fuck Jenna, a bunch of other hot chicks in bikinis want to show cleavage. There's a lesbian couple and...

Hello? Hello! HEY!! I know, I got lost too when that scene came up!

Anyway, while going to where they were gonna host this car wash, the bus breaks down at the GAS STATION OF DOOM!!! and decide FUCK IT! Let's have it here! And oddly enough, cars actually come by. I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station. While the car wash is going on, Jared Winchester there kills some lesser characters, including a dog. When the cast starts getting down to counting them on one hand, it becomes night time and everybody wants to leave. Bitchy girl blames Blake for EVERYTHING for no reason reason, especially when he goes missing.

After this point, it turns into your standard slasher. I'll talk about the killer. His name is Moe. I'm serious. This guy's name is Moe. And after he kills someone, he puts their body on ice. This is never explained. When he kills the bitchy chick (YAY!!!!!), he cuts off her bikini top and then that's all we get. Is he harvesting organs? Is he trying to preserve them so he can fuck them? It's never explained.

Eventually, it's down to Jenna and Sam and they manage to find a car that was down the road, get in, and drive away. But they hear a banging in the trunk and Jenna MUST stop to check it out. Hey guess what? It's Moe. And no, I have no idea how he manage to get AHEAD of them and get into the trunk WITHOUT keys but whatever. Moe kills Sam and knocks Jenna out. She wakes up in a tub of ice, runs from Moe a bunch more, and then the old guy that's in EVERY SLASHER MOVIE that warns about the killer shows up to kill the killer while Jenna gets away. And of course, there's a twist ending. The end!

As you can tell, it's your run-of-the-mill slasher. There's one scene with tits and you barely see them, so it's a bit of a let down. But if you're in the mood for a dumb slasher movie with some hot chicks, then I say check this out. I will say MOST of the girls aren't that attractive but eh, what do you want? They have nice tits anyway.

Christ, I'm not winning any points with the feminists, aren't I?



Dylan said...

Yeah, sorry, but you can't name your movie that and only have one pair of exposed boobs. That's false advertising, man.

Jason Soto said...