Tuesday, May 15, 2012


And so it begins! It is LAMMY Time! To those of you NOT in the know, every year The Large Association of Movie Blogs hosts The LAMMY's, celebrating awesome blogging history and prestige or some shit like that. As you can see off to the right I've won a staggering four times. But this year I think is going to be different. Why?

Because since last year the LAMB has blown the fuck up! It went from having a small handful of members to HOLY FUCKING SHIT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD IS NOW A MEMBER!! You know how I complain about nobody reading my shit or anyone reading my comments in the old day? Well now I'll be TWICE as ignored! Maybe THREE TIMES! Who knows!

In other words, there's a lot of competition this year and this time around me and Nolahn are gunnin' for the Best Podcast award. Well, consider this your plea from me, fellow LAMB members, on why you should vote for me for these awesome categories:

Best Blog:
Why do all the fancy schmancy uptight blogs and movie review sites always win Best Blog? Why can't a small B-Movie site win? Does it say in the category that "only blogs run my fancy people with fancy movie tastes can ONLY win this category"? Nope! It doesn't! So let's shake shit up and nominate me for Best Blog.

Best podcast: The Lair of the Unwanted
This is our third year doing the show and I think it's time we get some motherfucking recognition! Plus we've redesigned the show so now it's leaner, meaner, and more awesome! THE LAIR FOR BEST PODCAST!

Best Horror Blog:
I'll be honest, I don't know of too many new horror blogs that's came up since last year. I don't have a problem in this category, I don't think, but if there's some new upstart I need to worry about, then I guess it's time to do a "Black Swan" on them. Or..."Talented Mr. Ripley"? "Strangers on a Train"? "My Dinner With Andre?" Something.

Best Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack
I think my Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g) has gotten huge over the past few months and I had fun doing it. I had to quit due to me getting burnt out, but that shouldn't stop you LAMB's from voting for it!

Best Running Feature: The Netflix Corner/Game
I hope this counts since I now run it over at The LAMB, but since it came to life here on my site, it totally should. This is by far the most popular thing I've ever came up with and I am happy about it. This should have a chance of winning!

Best Movie Reviewer
"And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche."
"While they're fucking in 2002, everybody else goes outside where it's 1988 and...hell if I know what happened next."
"I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station."
Those are all words I WROTE! Now if that isn't the work of a damn good reviewer, then I dunno what is!

Funniest Writer
The year was 2006. The movie "Black Snake Moan" was just about to be released and LiveJournal was the Facebook of 2006. Someone in a MST3K group found out that some chick who was in a movie featured on MST3K had a LiveJournal and a lot of us flocked to her journal. Turns out, she's two things that I promise are not related to each other: 1. A Bitch and 2. A feminist. I'm sure there are feminists who aren't bitches, and I'm sure there are bitches who aren't feminists so I'm not saying there's a connection between the two. Anyway, this chick was dating this guy and he SWORE he too was a feminist. Now this I can tell you is bullshit because there are only two types of guys: 1. Guys who don't need to clam to be feminists to agree that women should be equal at all times and should be respected and 2. Guys who only want to fuck hot bitchy feminists so they PRETEND to be "male feminists". Anyway, you needed to know all of that for me to relay this next part. The Pretend Male Feminist makes a post on his LiveJournal about how "Black Snake Moan" was horrible and shouldn't feature Samuel L. Jackson chaining a woman to a radiator and how dare MEN come up with this movie and you should burn in hell for even THINKING about this movie. But here's the kicker: HE HADN'T SEEN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING MOVIE!!! So...WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What kind of douche does that? Does this guy NOT know the difference between fiction and real life? I mean, it's not a documentary. Sam Jackson didn't REALLY chain Christina Ricci to a radiator. And plus if the fucktard watched the movie, he would've learned WHY this happened: TO HELP HER! I...FUCK THIS GUY! Anyway, 2006 also corresponds with the year I started this blog and I had to write about it. I was pretty proud of what I wrote and decided to send it to the guy only to show him how much of a douche he is and well, he wasn't too happy about it. Anyway, to prove how much of a bitch and a dickhead these two were, a week later they posted on their separate LiveJournal's the two following things and I PROMISE I'm not making up: 1. People don't deserve to have weddings and how dare people ask for help in planning weddings and 2. People who can't have kids don't deserve to ask for help in adopting a child that I'm sure needs a parent. This was the final straw. I literally told them both to go fuck themselves with something rusty and removed them from my friends list. And that was the end of that.

Did you laugh at anything I just wrote? Cool.

Best Cupcakes
I do make a pretty damn good cupcake. Would you like one?

So, Dear LAMB members, if you haven't voted yet AND ONLY MEMBERS OF THE LAMB CAN DO THIS, please consider voting for me in any/all of the above categories. That would be fucking awesome.

Thank you.


Dylan said...

Shit, I only voted for you for Best Cookies. Oh well, hope you get some other votes for that.

Jason Soto said...

Considering the picture I used, I can see the confusion. I should've just put Best Baker to cover ALL baked goods. Oh well, there's always next year...

The Gold Knight said...