About a month ago, I was reading this awesome book called "You're A Horrible Person, But I Like You", and the gimmick is a website asked a bunch of comedians to answer advice questions given by real people and most often than not, they all were pretty funny. So it got me thinking and I came up with something similar! A LAMB Advice Column! About movies! Yeah!!
A few emails later, I got together a crack team of people who's willing and able to answer any movie related question YOU have! To get the skinny on how it all works, go here and follow the directions. It's pretty easy, if you ask me!
And I totally recommend that book, so go ahead on and use that link to buy a copy. You won't regret it!
-Jason
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
WINNER of the Mysterious Box Of Mystery
ALRIGHT! The time has come! To announce the winner of this awesome Mysterious Box of Mystery!
But first...all the guesses!
Steve: 1142, 841, 2892
Dan Heaton: 850
Matt-1598
Kai-539
Wavy-420
Adam-199
Nick-223
Dylan-666
Wayne (reel whore)-582
Branden-305
"Unknown"-2500
Pretty Clever Film Gal-1199
AND THE WINNER!! IS!.....
KAI PARKER FROM MAN, I LOVE FILMS!!! YAY!!! Congratulations! I actually own 542 DVD's! I know! Crazy, huh?! So congratulations! I have your address so I will be sending you the Mysterious Box of Mystery soon. And Kai, part of the deal is you HAVE to film yourself opening the box and showing everybody the contents and uploading it on MILF, so everybody can see what they COULD'VE won! Sounds easy enough, right?
Anyway, thanks to everyone who participated and I will probably have another contest soon so look out for that!
-Jason
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Old School Summer: Bloody Murder 2
Status: Own
And so they made a sequel. After the first movie ended and I glanced down at the DVD case I have and saw there was a sequel on the same disc, I sighed heavy hearted because I knew I had to watch it. I cannot OWN the sequel and not watch it, wondering if it's somehow any worse than the first film or maybe, in some dim ray of light, it's actually better. Let's see...
This movie centers on Tracy, who is related to Jason from the first film. She's his sister but it's never said if she's older or younger. I'm gonna assume younger, but whatever. We find out that Jason's body was never recovered and it's now five years later. We're back at the same camp and this time, camp season is over and it's time to pack up the camp for the season! That's an interesting twist.
There's the usual gang of misfits that include Ryan the asshole, Angela the slutty chick fucking Ryan, Elvis the random black dude, Sophie the quiet one, Mike the guy dating Tracy, and James, the drifter who showed up to help out for a day or two. This time, the camp is run by Rick and he's bland as all hell.
James' first night, they all drink around the camp fire and decide to play "Bloody Murder", which to remind you is just hide-and-seek, but it's gonna end on a prank. Ryan tells the story about Trevor Moorehouse but James decides to be a showoff and tell him Trevor is just a legend like ALL legends, so they make him "It". If I was James, I would've let them all hide and then I would've went back to my cabin and fall asleep. But that's just me.
James looks for a few moments when "Trevor" shows up, but of course it's just Mike playing a prank. James gets pissed off, Tracy is turned off, and Mike suffers from blue balls the rest of the night. Everyone goes back to their cabins but James, who of course runs into the "real" "Trevor". "Naturally". And holy fuck, this movie got gory cause "Trevor" cuts off BOTH of James' legs, before bashing his head in with a rock. WOW, this is ALREADY better than the first movie!
The next day, Rick tells the gang James has left and Rick just stands there, being boring as fuck. Ryan and Angela goes into the showers to fuck and HOLY SHIT THERE'S NUDITY IN THIS MOVIE!!! This is TWENTY times better than the first movie! Way to go, movie! Oh, but the movie does something cute: they use pagers in the movie! I know! And this movie was made in 2002!Well...I guess pagers were still on their way out, but still! PAGERS! Anyway, Ryan gets a page from Rick so Ryan leaves Angela naked, lying on the floor, er, in the shower
Ryan goes to the meeting spot and is killed instantly and soon buried by Trevor. Wow, that's nice of him. And of course Rick says he heard from Ryan saying that he was leaving too. Angela is upset cause Ryan didn't say goodbye, and Mike is upset cause Tracy won't give him any, so naturally these two meet and start fucking, where we see Angela's tits AGAIN! Wow, they really wanted to make up for lost time, huh?
I thought they both were gonna get killed while fucking, but no such luck. Mike loses his clothes somehow (REMEMBER THIS) and Angela discovers Ryan's dead body. So naturally the cops are called and they think someone in the remaining group did it, so they have to stay at the camp. There's a meta moment where Elvis says that only girls who show their tits get killed, while all black dudes get killed cause they're black, and turns out he's right cause Elvis is killed in the shower and later Angela is killed. If it makes you feel better, Angela wore obnoxious shirts like "I HEART ME" and "HOTTIE" in glitter, so don't feel too sad.
Tracy remembers something Elvis said about hiding a video camera and she finds it and it shows Mike walking into the cabin and coming out dressed as Trevor. The tape is turned over to the cops and Mike is arrested. Of course, it isn't Mike. The real killer just stole his clothes, remember? Tracy then thinks it's Rick cause Rick deleted all his pager messages so while finding out, Rick chases Tracy around the camp saying "Let's just talk" in the most boring way possible. Soon, the sheriff shows up and kills Rick.
But it isn't Rick. So who the fuck is it? There's nobody else left! Well....if you care....SPOILER ALERT
It's the sheriff! Why? Turns out he's Trevor Moorehouse' father! And he was the guy we saw at the end of the first movie dressed like Trevor! And he killed Jason! And he's doing this to get back at everyone....even though this group of people had nothing to do with Trevor...I dunno it makes no fucking sense! So the sheriff is chasing Tracy and Sophie around and really it's up to Sophie on what she should do, like she has a CHOICE! (BOOM! Sorry, it's THAT kind of movie...)
Anyway, before the sheriff can kill Tracy, the REAL Trevor Moorehouse shows up, kills his dad, and leaves Tracy alone. Why? What was he doing this entire time? We don't know. We just know Tracy and Sophie survive and the movie ends.
Ok, so now that I've seen both of these movies let's figure this shit out. According the "legend", Trevor Moorehouse went to camp there, was teased badly, then had a bad prank on him which scarred his face so he went to a hospital and either was released or escaped and...that's it. He was just chillin' for a whole bunch of years NOT doing anything. I hate to say this but...that's different! Cause really it's all the camp people who are the monsters by dressing up like him and either pretending to kill or actually kill people. Trevor just keeps to himself! I gotta applaud that!
But still, avoid these movies at all costs. It's really not worth the time or effort to track these movies down. Both are bland mediocre slasher films that are more like stylized mysteries than slasher flicks. The second film is more entertaining with the story, the violence, and finally some nudity but overall, both movies suck ass.
AND THANKFULLY there is no Part 3.
Yet!
-Jason
And so they made a sequel. After the first movie ended and I glanced down at the DVD case I have and saw there was a sequel on the same disc, I sighed heavy hearted because I knew I had to watch it. I cannot OWN the sequel and not watch it, wondering if it's somehow any worse than the first film or maybe, in some dim ray of light, it's actually better. Let's see...
This movie centers on Tracy, who is related to Jason from the first film. She's his sister but it's never said if she's older or younger. I'm gonna assume younger, but whatever. We find out that Jason's body was never recovered and it's now five years later. We're back at the same camp and this time, camp season is over and it's time to pack up the camp for the season! That's an interesting twist.
There's the usual gang of misfits that include Ryan the asshole, Angela the slutty chick fucking Ryan, Elvis the random black dude, Sophie the quiet one, Mike the guy dating Tracy, and James, the drifter who showed up to help out for a day or two. This time, the camp is run by Rick and he's bland as all hell.
James' first night, they all drink around the camp fire and decide to play "Bloody Murder", which to remind you is just hide-and-seek, but it's gonna end on a prank. Ryan tells the story about Trevor Moorehouse but James decides to be a showoff and tell him Trevor is just a legend like ALL legends, so they make him "It". If I was James, I would've let them all hide and then I would've went back to my cabin and fall asleep. But that's just me.
James looks for a few moments when "Trevor" shows up, but of course it's just Mike playing a prank. James gets pissed off, Tracy is turned off, and Mike suffers from blue balls the rest of the night. Everyone goes back to their cabins but James, who of course runs into the "real" "Trevor". "Naturally". And holy fuck, this movie got gory cause "Trevor" cuts off BOTH of James' legs, before bashing his head in with a rock. WOW, this is ALREADY better than the first movie!
The next day, Rick tells the gang James has left and Rick just stands there, being boring as fuck. Ryan and Angela goes into the showers to fuck and HOLY SHIT THERE'S NUDITY IN THIS MOVIE!!! This is TWENTY times better than the first movie! Way to go, movie! Oh, but the movie does something cute: they use pagers in the movie! I know! And this movie was made in 2002!Well...I guess pagers were still on their way out, but still! PAGERS! Anyway, Ryan gets a page from Rick so Ryan leaves Angela naked, lying on the floor, er, in the shower
Ryan goes to the meeting spot and is killed instantly and soon buried by Trevor. Wow, that's nice of him. And of course Rick says he heard from Ryan saying that he was leaving too. Angela is upset cause Ryan didn't say goodbye, and Mike is upset cause Tracy won't give him any, so naturally these two meet and start fucking, where we see Angela's tits AGAIN! Wow, they really wanted to make up for lost time, huh?
I thought they both were gonna get killed while fucking, but no such luck. Mike loses his clothes somehow (REMEMBER THIS) and Angela discovers Ryan's dead body. So naturally the cops are called and they think someone in the remaining group did it, so they have to stay at the camp. There's a meta moment where Elvis says that only girls who show their tits get killed, while all black dudes get killed cause they're black, and turns out he's right cause Elvis is killed in the shower and later Angela is killed. If it makes you feel better, Angela wore obnoxious shirts like "I HEART ME" and "HOTTIE" in glitter, so don't feel too sad.
Tracy remembers something Elvis said about hiding a video camera and she finds it and it shows Mike walking into the cabin and coming out dressed as Trevor. The tape is turned over to the cops and Mike is arrested. Of course, it isn't Mike. The real killer just stole his clothes, remember? Tracy then thinks it's Rick cause Rick deleted all his pager messages so while finding out, Rick chases Tracy around the camp saying "Let's just talk" in the most boring way possible. Soon, the sheriff shows up and kills Rick.
But it isn't Rick. So who the fuck is it? There's nobody else left! Well....if you care....SPOILER ALERT
It's the sheriff! Why? Turns out he's Trevor Moorehouse' father! And he was the guy we saw at the end of the first movie dressed like Trevor! And he killed Jason! And he's doing this to get back at everyone....even though this group of people had nothing to do with Trevor...I dunno it makes no fucking sense! So the sheriff is chasing Tracy and Sophie around and really it's up to Sophie on what she should do, like she has a CHOICE! (BOOM! Sorry, it's THAT kind of movie...)
Anyway, before the sheriff can kill Tracy, the REAL Trevor Moorehouse shows up, kills his dad, and leaves Tracy alone. Why? What was he doing this entire time? We don't know. We just know Tracy and Sophie survive and the movie ends.
Ok, so now that I've seen both of these movies let's figure this shit out. According the "legend", Trevor Moorehouse went to camp there, was teased badly, then had a bad prank on him which scarred his face so he went to a hospital and either was released or escaped and...that's it. He was just chillin' for a whole bunch of years NOT doing anything. I hate to say this but...that's different! Cause really it's all the camp people who are the monsters by dressing up like him and either pretending to kill or actually kill people. Trevor just keeps to himself! I gotta applaud that!
But still, avoid these movies at all costs. It's really not worth the time or effort to track these movies down. Both are bland mediocre slasher films that are more like stylized mysteries than slasher flicks. The second film is more entertaining with the story, the violence, and finally some nudity but overall, both movies suck ass.
AND THANKFULLY there is no Part 3.
Yet!
-Jason
Old School Summer: Sleepaway Camp
Status: Own (I reviewed this movie back in 2005 but I've recently rewatched it. I plan on doing the sequels soon.)
After hearing about 3 million people tell me "YOU GOTTA SEE 'SLEEPAWAY CAMP'!! IT'S FUCKED UP, IT'S TWISTED, AND IT'S UP YOUR ALLEY!!" After I thank them for such a compliment I said hell with it and got it. And, dear readers, was I in for a treat.
We see a dad and his two kids out on a boat in a lake while some teenagers zip around in a speedboat. Because they're stupid clumsy anteaters, I mean teenagers, and they don't know how speedboat's work, they kill Dad and one of the kids. The other kid is basically just scarred for life and pretty much never wants to see water or teenagers ever again.
Jump to eight years later and we see Aunt Martha getting Angela, the surviving kid, and Ricky, Martha's actual son, ready to go to camp. She's really weird and tends to say "No...that wouldn't work at all!" a lot. And the chick playing her tends to way overact. She actually says it like, "NO!!! THAT wouldn't work AT ALL!!" It is hard to describe.
Anyway, off they go and everyone realizes that Angela is kind of on the creepy and quiet side. And it's at this point you think to yourself, "Oh, this is your typical horror slasher movie and Angela is going to redeem herself and everyone is going to like her." Yeah, that's what I thought too. But nope.
This movie is just loaded with creepy characters, like Artie, who comments on the kids running in a way that make you throw up for a good five minutes. We learn that he really is a creep when he tries to corner Angela and starts disrobing. Thankfully, Ricky shows up and saves her.
No one likes Angela's quiet nature and I thought she was going to go the entire movie without a single line, cause all she does is stare at people really creepy like. It's only a matter of time before Judy and Meg start picking on her. Even some of the councilors are like, "Hey Creepy Girl, eat something, ya jerk!".
After the whole encounter with Artie, we soon realize that his number is up when he's in the kitchen with an insanely large pot that is just full of boiling water. And of course we get the killer's point of view so we see the killer push the insanely large pot of boiling water on him. Then we're treated to a nice 5 minute scene of Artie screaming his head off while Mel tries to cover it up, telling the semi-retarded old guy Ben that he's now the main cook AND to tell the kids Artie "moved to an animal farm where he'll be happy".
Then we get about twenty more minutes of scenes where other campers, and councilors pick on Angela while Ricky defends her. Ricky's friend Paul decides to make his move and Angela actually likes him and this is when we realize that she has a voice.
Later, some kid named Kenny gets killed. Those bastards!
Now, I got why Artie got injured. As far as I could tell he wasn't going to die, just be in pain for the rest of his life and he deserved it, so I was on the killer's side here. But I didn't get what Kenny did that was so horrible where he died. Maybe the killer was just sick of hearing nothing but mumbling.
Mel really freaks out but tries to keep everyone calm but continuing with camp activities like normal. Meanwhile Angela and Paul's relationship is sort of getting rocky when Paul is trying to make out with her but she has some odd flashbacks that we're not quite sure what they mean and she freaks out and runs away. The next day, Paul is quite mad with her and starts making out with Judy. Angela sees this and gets quite upset and goes back to her usual way with Paul.
We get more teasing of Angela and a few campers here and there are killed and Mel suspects Ricky for some odd reason. Then when night hits, the killer goes on one big killing spree. Not only is Meg stabbed in the shower, but Judy gets a pretty horrible killing. Let's say it involves a hot curling iron and a, ah, body part where such things can fit.
I can hear women all over reading that just cringing.
Mel, who finds Meg dead, thinks Ricky did it and beats the shit out of him, until the killer kills him with an arrow. After finding a good amount of other campers dead, we get the shocking of all shocking endings.
Now, I know I have written somewhere on the site that if you don't want to have anything spoiled for you, you shouldn't be reading my reviews since I go into extreme details and give away the ending. People usually complain if you don't give them such a warning, so you have been warned TWICE! So I don't wanna hear it. Ready? Here we a-go!
Yes, Angela is the killer. BUT!!! GET THIS!! When Aunt Martha adopted Angela, she decided that one boy was quite enough, so when the suriving BOY from the first scene in the movie moved in, Martha turned him into a girl AND named him Angela. Now, how do we know this? Well, we get an oddly placed flashback explaining Aunt Martha doing so, but we also see Angela standing over Paul's dead body naked and we see her/his/whatever wee-wee. And she gives the creepiest stare yet. I actually shuddered. And I don't shudder.
The first 85-89 minutes of the movie is honestly horrible, with horrible acting, worse dialouge, and just fucked up storytelling. But that last minute, let me tell you. It's really, really...something. I'm just at a lost for words here. I say just put up with the horribleness of it all to see the ending, Angela's creepy stare, and weird ass song at the end for yourself. And because of all that I give this movie
-Jason
Old School Summer: Bloody Murder
Status: Own
You gotta love grocery stores around Halloween because they'll just find any shitty four pack of movies and sell them for 8 bucks, step three=???, and then profit. And here comes ol' Jason Soto being a dumbass, buying it up.
"Bloody Murder" is in a four pack of movies that I'll be taking on here in the near future and tonight I was in the mood for a slasher flick, and reading the back of the DVD, and seeing the name was "Bloody Murder" I figured this would do.
Let me tell you now: I AM SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED!
The movie's killer is called Trevor Moorehouse and he's a legend in this small town that happens to have a camp that happens to have some bad history behind it. Of course. A group of teenagers (?) are on their way to be councilors at this camp and they are Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney. I only remembered their names because they're introduced about ten billion times in the first 10 minutes of the film.
"OH, I'm Patrick!"
"Hi Patrick! I'm Julie! This is Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney."
"Oh this is Brad! Brad, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"
"Hi Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney! This is Drew! Drew, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"
And so on. So Patrick is the head of the camp, Brad is some dude Jason knows, and Drew is a chick that's bunking with Julie, our main character. Julie is dating Jason but Tobe has a thing for Julie, even flirting with her in front of Jason. Man, don't you know you should never piss off dudes named Jason, ESPECIALLY in the woods?
So what does any of that have to do with this movie? Not much, really. The set up to this movie was SO by the numbers for a slasher movie. Let's do the checklist:
-Closed camp that's reopening after however many years...
-...because of some horrific thing that NOBODY wants to talk about.
-A group of teenagers (?) setting up said camp.
-A crazy old man who wanders in and out of camp, warning people to leave before HE strikes!
-A serial killer who's legend and only certain people believe in him.
Should be basic, right? Well, that's where you are WRONG! This movie sets it up but then drops it on the way to the dining room (or mess hall) and then scrambles to get it all together but fucks it up so badly, you're just left with a mess.
The title refers to a game the teenagers (?) play which is basically "Hide-And-Seek". During the game Bloody Murder, Brad falls victim to a prank by Dean and Jason that involves Dean dressing up like Trevor Moorehouse and pretending he's gonna kill Brad. Brad cries manly tears and goes back to his cabin. Jason decides to cheat on Julie and fuck Whitney, who use to date Dean, who witnesses this. And we get the vibe that Dean MIGHT just be the killer. Especially when we get a scene after Jason fucks Whitney of "someone" going up to Jason, but the scene cuts before we see anything.
So here's the next complaint about this supposed slasher: There's hard any blood, gore, or on camera deaths! To those of you who been around forever, you might remember that I didn't care for the original "April Fools Day" because they didn't SHOW anything. It's the same thing here. So if you LOVED "April Fools Day" you'll LOVE this movie. (OK that might not be true.)
Julie tells Patrick that Jason is missing, but Patrick doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Dean decides to be all creepy and take Whitney to the middle of the lake in a canoe, where it's established that she can't swim and he basically pushes her into the water. But he rescues her and they row back to land.
But later that night, they all get together to watch either "Friday the 13th" or "Sleepaway Camp" (I think they wanted to make one of those references but couldn't afford the rights) and when Whitney gets up to get a snack, she's killed! Off camera of course. FUCK!
I think this movie was made for Mormons who were like "We like horror movies too. But boo to gore, blood, bad language, or nudity! BOO!!" Yes, there's ZERO/NADA/NONE nudity in this movie. It sucks. Yeah, lost interest now? How about I tell you that this movie is less of a slasher but more of a who-dun-it? And I like who-dun-it's but NOT when I'm expecting a slasher! And one this poorly made!
Ok so because Dean is acting like a creepzoid they suspect he killed Jason (who vanished, I think I mentioned that?) and Whitney and he is taken to jail for questioning. Meanwhile, not a whole lot happens. We get some lame emails sent between Julie and her dad, Julie starts to get naked but forgets something and runs into the crazy old man, who tells her to ask her dad about some guy named Nelson. HA-HA!
Julie asks her dad about Nelson but all her dad can say is "Eat my shorts!" and "Smell ya later!" Julie becomes friends with Drew, who talks about smoking cigarettes from Guam, which I thought was weed at first. I could use some weed right now. Brad gets murdered, which lets the police know that Dean isn't the murderer. So who is the killer, HMMM??
WAS IT YOU MR. GREEN?!?!?!?!
Oh wait, wrong movie. You can understand my confusion.
A whole much more of non-deaths and gore happen and Julie THINKS she knows who the murderer is: DREW! Why does she think Drew is the murderer? Because Nelson murdered a bunch of people that included her dad so Drew is getting revenge on...people...who AREN'T Nelson....um....YEAH!!! KILL THE BITCH!!
But turns out Drew ISN'T the murderer because that logic doesn't many any god damn sense. Turns out the killer is SPOILER ALERT LIKE YOU CARE Patrick! Because he's really NELSON! LE GASP!!! Patrick Nelson Riley chases after Julie for a few moments. Oh, that's another thing: everybody in this fucking movie is clumsy as hell! Anytime they go running, they trip and fall. And I mean EVERYBODY!! It's fucking stupid.
Anyway, Julie runs and finds help. But Patrick shows up and tells everyone Julie hit her head and she's cray-cray and not to listen to her. The only person who DOES listen to her is Tobe because he's love with Julie. Again, Jason gets the shaft. Oh yeah, Jason isn't dead, he just went into hiding because he was caught fucking Whitney. Of course, he's a royal douchebag who DOESN'T get the girl in the end. OF FUCKING COURSE!
I'm totally gonna start a movement that makes people aware of the fact that all guys in movies named Jason are douchebag asshole killers. It's really insulting because I'm none of those things (well, depends on who you ask. Like if you ask anybody in Canada, they'd say I am. I dunno what it is with the Canadians...) and I have to wonder WHY they choose the name Jason.
Well, here I'm sure it was to be cute and go "TEE HEE HEE it's about a summer camp and people getting murdered! Let's have a guy named Jason! HEE HEE!" and they bring this point home by having Tobe mention this fact IN THE MOVIE! It was a bit surreal.
Where was I? Oh right. Julie decides to go out with Tobe and leave poor Jason behind. Jason is walking home when he comes across a guy in a mask and a chainsaw and this ends up being Trevor Moorehouse. The end!
This movie is a giant waste of time. It's a shitty slasher, a not very good who-dun-it, and just a boring stupid movie overall. The acting is HORRIBLE, everybody from Julie to Dean to even Patrick, whose only job in the movie was to be menacing and even he fucked that up. The only great performance in this movie was the crazy old man and all he did was go "NOO!!! GO HOME!!!! NELSON!!!! I pooped myself."
And you know what REALLY sucks? THEY MADE A SEQUEL! Fuck!
-Jason
You gotta love grocery stores around Halloween because they'll just find any shitty four pack of movies and sell them for 8 bucks, step three=???, and then profit. And here comes ol' Jason Soto being a dumbass, buying it up.
"Bloody Murder" is in a four pack of movies that I'll be taking on here in the near future and tonight I was in the mood for a slasher flick, and reading the back of the DVD, and seeing the name was "Bloody Murder" I figured this would do.
Let me tell you now: I AM SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED!
The movie's killer is called Trevor Moorehouse and he's a legend in this small town that happens to have a camp that happens to have some bad history behind it. Of course. A group of teenagers (?) are on their way to be councilors at this camp and they are Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney. I only remembered their names because they're introduced about ten billion times in the first 10 minutes of the film.
"OH, I'm Patrick!"
"Hi Patrick! I'm Julie! This is Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney."
"Oh this is Brad! Brad, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"
"Hi Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney! This is Drew! Drew, this is Julie, Jason, Tobe, Dean, and Whitney!"
And so on. So Patrick is the head of the camp, Brad is some dude Jason knows, and Drew is a chick that's bunking with Julie, our main character. Julie is dating Jason but Tobe has a thing for Julie, even flirting with her in front of Jason. Man, don't you know you should never piss off dudes named Jason, ESPECIALLY in the woods?
So what does any of that have to do with this movie? Not much, really. The set up to this movie was SO by the numbers for a slasher movie. Let's do the checklist:
-Closed camp that's reopening after however many years...
-...because of some horrific thing that NOBODY wants to talk about.
-A group of teenagers (?) setting up said camp.
-A crazy old man who wanders in and out of camp, warning people to leave before HE strikes!
-A serial killer who's legend and only certain people believe in him.
Should be basic, right? Well, that's where you are WRONG! This movie sets it up but then drops it on the way to the dining room (or mess hall) and then scrambles to get it all together but fucks it up so badly, you're just left with a mess.
The title refers to a game the teenagers (?) play which is basically "Hide-And-Seek". During the game Bloody Murder, Brad falls victim to a prank by Dean and Jason that involves Dean dressing up like Trevor Moorehouse and pretending he's gonna kill Brad. Brad cries manly tears and goes back to his cabin. Jason decides to cheat on Julie and fuck Whitney, who use to date Dean, who witnesses this. And we get the vibe that Dean MIGHT just be the killer. Especially when we get a scene after Jason fucks Whitney of "someone" going up to Jason, but the scene cuts before we see anything.
So here's the next complaint about this supposed slasher: There's hard any blood, gore, or on camera deaths! To those of you who been around forever, you might remember that I didn't care for the original "April Fools Day" because they didn't SHOW anything. It's the same thing here. So if you LOVED "April Fools Day" you'll LOVE this movie. (OK that might not be true.)
Julie tells Patrick that Jason is missing, but Patrick doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Dean decides to be all creepy and take Whitney to the middle of the lake in a canoe, where it's established that she can't swim and he basically pushes her into the water. But he rescues her and they row back to land.
But later that night, they all get together to watch either "Friday the 13th" or "Sleepaway Camp" (I think they wanted to make one of those references but couldn't afford the rights) and when Whitney gets up to get a snack, she's killed! Off camera of course. FUCK!
I think this movie was made for Mormons who were like "We like horror movies too. But boo to gore, blood, bad language, or nudity! BOO!!" Yes, there's ZERO/NADA/NONE nudity in this movie. It sucks. Yeah, lost interest now? How about I tell you that this movie is less of a slasher but more of a who-dun-it? And I like who-dun-it's but NOT when I'm expecting a slasher! And one this poorly made!
Ok so because Dean is acting like a creepzoid they suspect he killed Jason (who vanished, I think I mentioned that?) and Whitney and he is taken to jail for questioning. Meanwhile, not a whole lot happens. We get some lame emails sent between Julie and her dad, Julie starts to get naked but forgets something and runs into the crazy old man, who tells her to ask her dad about some guy named Nelson. HA-HA!
Julie asks her dad about Nelson but all her dad can say is "Eat my shorts!" and "Smell ya later!" Julie becomes friends with Drew, who talks about smoking cigarettes from Guam, which I thought was weed at first. I could use some weed right now. Brad gets murdered, which lets the police know that Dean isn't the murderer. So who is the killer, HMMM??
WAS IT YOU MR. GREEN?!?!?!?!
Oh wait, wrong movie. You can understand my confusion.
A whole much more of non-deaths and gore happen and Julie THINKS she knows who the murderer is: DREW! Why does she think Drew is the murderer? Because Nelson murdered a bunch of people that included her dad so Drew is getting revenge on...people...who AREN'T Nelson....um....YEAH!!! KILL THE BITCH!!
But turns out Drew ISN'T the murderer because that logic doesn't many any god damn sense. Turns out the killer is SPOILER ALERT LIKE YOU CARE Patrick! Because he's really NELSON! LE GASP!!! Patrick Nelson Riley chases after Julie for a few moments. Oh, that's another thing: everybody in this fucking movie is clumsy as hell! Anytime they go running, they trip and fall. And I mean EVERYBODY!! It's fucking stupid.
Anyway, Julie runs and finds help. But Patrick shows up and tells everyone Julie hit her head and she's cray-cray and not to listen to her. The only person who DOES listen to her is Tobe because he's love with Julie. Again, Jason gets the shaft. Oh yeah, Jason isn't dead, he just went into hiding because he was caught fucking Whitney. Of course, he's a royal douchebag who DOESN'T get the girl in the end. OF FUCKING COURSE!
I'm totally gonna start a movement that makes people aware of the fact that all guys in movies named Jason are douchebag asshole killers. It's really insulting because I'm none of those things (well, depends on who you ask. Like if you ask anybody in Canada, they'd say I am. I dunno what it is with the Canadians...) and I have to wonder WHY they choose the name Jason.
Well, here I'm sure it was to be cute and go "TEE HEE HEE it's about a summer camp and people getting murdered! Let's have a guy named Jason! HEE HEE!" and they bring this point home by having Tobe mention this fact IN THE MOVIE! It was a bit surreal.
Where was I? Oh right. Julie decides to go out with Tobe and leave poor Jason behind. Jason is walking home when he comes across a guy in a mask and a chainsaw and this ends up being Trevor Moorehouse. The end!
This movie is a giant waste of time. It's a shitty slasher, a not very good who-dun-it, and just a boring stupid movie overall. The acting is HORRIBLE, everybody from Julie to Dean to even Patrick, whose only job in the movie was to be menacing and even he fucked that up. The only great performance in this movie was the crazy old man and all he did was go "NOO!!! GO HOME!!!! NELSON!!!! I pooped myself."
And you know what REALLY sucks? THEY MADE A SEQUEL! Fuck!
-Jason
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Lair of the Unwanted #35: Got Milk?
Jason. Nolahn. Jose & Jorge from StrictlySplatter.com. Gary Busey. Charles Band. Puns galore. And finally, The Game of the Unwanted. 'nuff said!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Maniac!
Apparently at some point in the future, there's going to be a remake of this film "Maniac" and it's gonna star Elijah Wood as The Maniac! Ok, the killer's name wasn't The Maniac...wait maybe it was! There were tons of newspaper reports about the killer killing people and it just said "Maniac strikes again!" Maybe the cops and/or press just called him "Maniac". Jeez, way to be original, fake cops and press I just made up in that last sentence!
Anyway.
Film starts off with a couple sleeping on a beach because they're homeless? They think it'd be fun to be cold on the beach? It makes even less sense when you find out it's December, so I really don't get what they were doing. Anyway, The Maniac creeps up on them, stabs the shit out of the girl, and then cuts the guys head off with piano wire.
Then The Maniac wakes up. Was this a dream? No, more like a dream-memory. He wakes up in his small New York City apartment and it's like Serial Killer 101 designed the place. There's creepy mannequins, weird dolls, and just strange things nailed to the walls. The Maniac, or as he likes to call himself "Frank", gets up, gets dressed, and heads out for the night.
He passes a prostitute and decides to buy her services for the night. Here's something strange I didn't know about buying hookers: you also have to pay for the hotel room. You'd think AT LEAST the room would be free, since you're paying for everything else. But nope, room AND pussy. And this movie was 1979/1980 so I can only imagine what that'd be like today.
They get into the room and the girl starts up with the sexy while Frank just lies there, looking like Ron Jeremy's unsuccessful brother, until they make out. Frank takes it a bit too far when he strangles the prostitute. I gotta say, I didn't buy him has a killer because it took FOR FUCKING EVER to strangle her. After five minutes, she died and he starts scalping her.
Yes, that's his M.O. He kills chicks then scalps them. Why? So he can put the scalps on the mannequins back at home of course. Frank likes to talk to the mannequins because his mother died and I guess he needed to fill in the void.
The next 45 minutes of the movie is Frank just stalking people and eventually killing them. He stalks a couple getting out of a club and the guy is played by Tom Savini. For all you Savini haters out there, he gets his head totally blown clean off with a shot gun. It's a pretty cool scene actually.
Another point he's just walking around in a park when he notices Caroline Munro taking pictures. For whatever reason, he snoops in her purse and finds her address. OH SNAP HE'S GONNA BREAK IN AND KILL A BITCH!
Or...pretend to be an artist and take her out on a date. Yeah, ok. It's kind of strange actually that he just pretends to be an artist, takes Caroline Munro out on a date, then shows up at a fashion shoot. He spies one model and decides to follow her home. After 20 minutes of her taking a bath and wondering when he was gonna show up, he comes out of nowhere and...ties up her to the bed and talks to her.
Dude, don;t change your M.O NOW!! You just hunt and kill chicks! You're The Maniac! People are scared of you, you crazy fuck! Well, after the talking, he kills the model. So now all that's left is to chase Caroline Munro!
It starts off normal enough, he picks her up and tells her they're going out to dinner, but first they must stop at his mother's grave to lay flowers. Awkward second date! What's next? "Oh here is where my dog Fluffy got run over 20 years ago. FLUFFY!!!!!!!" Anyway, Frank snaps and tries to kill Caroline Munro but you know what? She's MOTHERFUCKIN' Caroline Munro! She doesn't go out like those other bitches! She fights back! And then escapes!
Frank, all beaten and bloodied, goes back to his apartment and soon has a super freak out moment when the mannequins comes to life and kill the fuck out of Frank. Then my favorite part ever comes up. Two cops show up at Frank's house, bust in, see Frank's dead body on the bed, shrug their shoulders and simply leave, even closing the door behind them. Yep, nothing to see here. Oh well...
This was an interesting movie. And I kinda liked it. The guy who played Frank was weird looking, which made for a perfect Maniac. I think Elijah Wood is too pretty to pull this off but I guess we'll have to just wait and see, won't we?
-Jason
Friday, June 22, 2012
Four On The Floor, Baby!
After what feels like the longest LAMMY awards presentation ever, the Best Horror/Sci-Fi winner was announced yesterday. You gotta see this video:
So yes! For the fourth year in a row I won Best Horror/Sci-Fi blog! I am pretty excited that for four years now, people seem to like what I do here.
I never know who to thank because I'm never sure who voted for me. So if you are a LAMB and you voted for me...THANKS!
Now there's still one more award that I was nominated in that needs to be presented. That'll be revealed in August sometime, so look forward to that.
(Just kidding, Joel.)
EDIT TO ADD: I'd like to thank Mr. Anonymous below for bringing to my attention that I forgot to thank 365 Horror Movie, Flights Tights and Movie Nights, Old Horror Movies, The Lighting Bugs Lair, Silver Emulsion, and Goregirl's Dungeon, my fellow nominees. They do a wonderful job and really, watching a shit ton of horror movies isn't easy so lets give it up to them.
I guess I have no way to prove that I MEANT to thank them originally but I honestly did. I'm having major back pains, so it's sort of messing with my mind and it slipped my mind. But seriously, thanks.
-Jason
So yes! For the fourth year in a row I won Best Horror/Sci-Fi blog! I am pretty excited that for four years now, people seem to like what I do here.
I never know who to thank because I'm never sure who voted for me. So if you are a LAMB and you voted for me...THANKS!
Now there's still one more award that I was nominated in that needs to be presented. That'll be revealed in August sometime, so look forward to that.
(Just kidding, Joel.)
EDIT TO ADD: I'd like to thank Mr. Anonymous below for bringing to my attention that I forgot to thank 365 Horror Movie, Flights Tights and Movie Nights, Old Horror Movies, The Lighting Bugs Lair, Silver Emulsion, and Goregirl's Dungeon, my fellow nominees. They do a wonderful job and really, watching a shit ton of horror movies isn't easy so lets give it up to them.
I guess I have no way to prove that I MEANT to thank them originally but I honestly did. I'm having major back pains, so it's sort of messing with my mind and it slipped my mind. But seriously, thanks.
-Jason
Mysterious Box of Mystery Contest Post #2
I have gotten a better Mysterious Box of Mystery for all the mysterious items I plan on sending to whoever wins this contest. Now, don't get all excited and think the box will be filled to the top with goodies, but I wanted to send a better box through the mail. FYI, I have now received nine guesses so far but since this is an awesome contest I'm running here, I want MORE MORE MORE!
But here's some stats you should keep in mind.
1. I am including the Blu-Rays I've recently bought, so if you watched the last episode "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" you know how many Blu-Rays I own caused I showed them all to you.
2. I do have DVD's enroute to my house right now but I am NOT including those, even if they show up tomorrow. I am only counting the ones I owned the day I started this contest.
3. I am NOT including TV show box sets cause that gets a little muddled on what counts and what doesn't so just to make it easy on everyone (including myself) I'm taking those out of the equation. I am only talking about MOVIES on DVD
To make sure of the number, I just finished doing a recount and...fuck I got a lot. Out of nine guesses, only two people so far are close. No, I won't say who. And sorry, no re-guesses. This is to prevent people from leaving me 200 comments, each one saying "200!" "201!" "202!" and so on...that'd get a bit annoying.
Anyway, that's it. Now if you excuse me, I have a speech to prepare...
-Jason
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Poll Results And Mysterious Box of Mystery!
So I learned a lesson recently. Never put a poll on your website the night of your birthday, after you had some drinks, and you just came from a dance party, because you're gonna fuck it up. I asked you awesome people if you come here for the horror or because I'm funny. I also meant to put in an option stating "I love both horror movies AND you make me laugh" but again: birthday, drunk, dance. So I forgot. Thank god for comments though, so what I learned was you people LOVE the horror AND cause I make you laugh. Aw, shucks! Now let's see if you give me the LAMMY to prove it!
With that said and done, it's time for a fun contest thing! Yay!!
The prize: this wonderful mysterious box of mystery that Cokie is proudly displaying below!
What's in the box? Well, it's called a mysterious box of mystery for a reason, and not because Sarah McLaughlin built it. It's because the contents will be a secret! Yes, you WILL NOT know what's inside the box at any given time. So, how do you win this awesome wonderful mysterious box of mystery?
It's really just down to how good of a guesser you are. As you undoubtedly noticed, I have a pretty good sized DVD collection. Not the biggest by any means (that either goes to my friend Adam, or the guys at Cinemassacre.com) But I just want you guys to guess how many DVD's (not VHS, just the DVDs) I own. The CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER (that's right, The Price is Right rules, bitch!) will win the prize!! For example (and please don't use this has a guess or I will kill you) if I own 3000 DVD's and one person guesses 2999 and someone guesses 3001, I will give it to the person who guesses 2999. Got it? Cool.
Leave your guesses in the comments OR email them to me at invasionofthebmovies(@)gmail.com. You only get to guess one time so really think about it, and sorry Joel, Simon, Tom and any other Non-USA people, this only applies to people in States. Shipping out of the country costs too fucking much. Unless you're willing to come to my house to pick it up.
The contest will end next Monday at 11:59PM EST. I will email the winner that they won and do an announcement on Twitter and Facebook. Oh, and whoever wins, MUST either take pictures of what's in the box OR video, so everybody can see what they won. Plus I love seeing pics or videos of things I give to people.
Got it? Cool! Now...get to guessing!
-Jason
PS: I promise you, there will be stuff inside the box, it won't just be an empty box. I'm not THAT cruel. And no, it's not work shoes.
With that said and done, it's time for a fun contest thing! Yay!!
The prize: this wonderful mysterious box of mystery that Cokie is proudly displaying below!
What's in the box? Well, it's called a mysterious box of mystery for a reason, and not because Sarah McLaughlin built it. It's because the contents will be a secret! Yes, you WILL NOT know what's inside the box at any given time. So, how do you win this awesome wonderful mysterious box of mystery?
It's really just down to how good of a guesser you are. As you undoubtedly noticed, I have a pretty good sized DVD collection. Not the biggest by any means (that either goes to my friend Adam, or the guys at Cinemassacre.com) But I just want you guys to guess how many DVD's (not VHS, just the DVDs) I own. The CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER (that's right, The Price is Right rules, bitch!) will win the prize!! For example (and please don't use this has a guess or I will kill you) if I own 3000 DVD's and one person guesses 2999 and someone guesses 3001, I will give it to the person who guesses 2999. Got it? Cool.
Leave your guesses in the comments OR email them to me at invasionofthebmovies(@)gmail.com. You only get to guess one time so really think about it, and sorry Joel, Simon, Tom and any other Non-USA people, this only applies to people in States. Shipping out of the country costs too fucking much. Unless you're willing to come to my house to pick it up.
The contest will end next Monday at 11:59PM EST. I will email the winner that they won and do an announcement on Twitter and Facebook. Oh, and whoever wins, MUST either take pictures of what's in the box OR video, so everybody can see what they won. Plus I love seeing pics or videos of things I give to people.
Got it? Cool! Now...get to guessing!
-Jason
PS: I promise you, there will be stuff inside the box, it won't just be an empty box. I'm not THAT cruel. And no, it's not work shoes.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Old School Summer: Satan's Little Helper
Status: Rented
So I'm at my video store, trying to figure out what to rent for this week's rental and I came across this little gem. Reading the back of the box, the story sounded interesting so I said "Fuck it" and rented it. Little did I know that when I got home I would be in for the ride of my life.
Ok, it's not quite that momentous but I needed a catchy opening paragraph. Now that you're invested, let's start.
In this movie, there's a video game called Satan's Little Helper. The object is you're...Satan's little helper and you go around killing people and causing mischief. I'm sure this was some commentary on the state of video games. Anyway, this kid named Dougie-
Ok, now that we got that out of the way. This little kid named Dougie is OBSESSED with this video game, so much so that his costume is Satan's Little Helper. And Dougie wants to find Satan and be his assistant. Mom, played by Amanda Plummer, is like "That's nice, dear" and keeps on driving to pick up Dougie's older sister Jenna and
HOLY FUCK JENNA IS HOT!!!!
*shakes head*
Where was I? Oh.
Dougie realizes he has a hot sister and says on several occasions he "wants to marry her". I...wow. I don't even know what to say about that. I guess I'd be all into incest too if THAT was my sister. Fuck me.
Anyway.
Jenna ends up having a boyfriend named Alex and this upsets Dougie to no end. They all get home and Alex decides to dress up like this Satan character to win over the kid. Dougie, meanwhile, is all upset and walking around his neighborhood when he spots a guy dressed up like Satan dragging a dead body out of a house and propping it outside, making it look like decoration. Dougie falls for this and thinks this Satan is the bee knees and wants to be his helper. Satan is like "Ok sure, kid". Well actually, Satan doesn't talk in the movie, at all. He just nods his head and gives thumbs up a lot.
The movie becomes sort of a black comedy with the kid unwittingly helping this serial killer. It gets weird when the kid calls him "Master". And then it turns into fucking "Three's Company" when Dougie wants Satan to kill Alex. Satan just attacks Alex, knocking him out, then goes back home with Dougie, where Jenna and Mom think Alex is in the Satan mask. Satan can't believe his fucking luck and starts groping Jenna, even about to either fuck her or eat her pussy, which she was all for, until Dougie came in the room and wanted to join in.
Ok, no, that doesn't happen. But they stop and Dougie plays with "Satan" some more until Mom realizes she doesn't have candy so she sends Dougie and "Alex" to the store to get some more. There, Satan buys more weapons and then simply walks out without paying. Dougie things this is awesome cause "Satan doesn't have to pay for anything!" and then it turns into the video game with Satan running over pregnant women, old people, babies, and finally a blind person.
Then they go around the neighborhood while Satan kills some people, including Alex's father, who is an asshole. Speaking of Alex, he wakes up and just roams around town, not even thinking for one moment to go back to Jenna's house. What we find out is Satan has killed ALL the police in this town and now everybody has gone crazy and started looting.
After killing a bunch of people, Dougie and Satan return. Jenna figures out that Satan isn't Alex and...kinda stands there without doing much about it. Then their father comes home for a brief cameo because Satan comes out and kills him in front of Dougie, who finally realizes Satan isn't all he's cracked up to be. Satan ties up Mom and of all the fucking hilarious things, takes her to a giant costume party going on in some castle nearby. Yeah, this is a strange town, where there's only 4 cops and a giant castle.
Anyway, nobody at the party thinks it's weird that Mom shows up at the party all tied up and gagged with plastic and thinks it's a great costume. Jenna and Alex finally find each other and go save Mom, but first they must change costumes, which upset me cause Jenna was dressed like this throughout the whole movie:
But now she gets all covered up. DAMN IT!!!
Satan manages to kill a few party goers before Jenna and Alex show up, saving Mom. Alex goes after Satan and the weirdest scene takes place.
Alex steals a gun from a dead cop, threatens Satan with it, Satan PRETENDS to be Alex's Dad, Alex stops, Satan takes the gun, shoots a hole in his hand, gives the gun back to Alex, and simply walks away.
I stopped the DVD and let that sink in. Then watched it again. It made NO FUCKING SENSE.
Until the next scene, when Jenna and Alex goes to Alex's dad's house and finds Satan just standing there. Alex shoots him until he falls, which I then noticed the hole in his hand. OOOH!! I don't know why that was there but OHHH!!!
So back to Dougie, who prays to God and then Jesus shows up! Ok, it's the killer, now dressed as Jesus, NOW with complete Stigmata! Of course Dougie is stupid enough to believe this is Jesus and leaves the house with him AGAIN. But Jenna spots Dougie, realizes Jesus is the killer, and goes back home.
They hear the killer break into the basement and Jenna and Mom head down into the basement where they find Jesus just chillin'.
"But that's clearly Alex in the costume. The killer put it on him so Mom and Jenna can kill him instead!" You, I, and a billion other people who watched this movie shouted. And we are all correct. Upstairs, Dougie finds a nice policeman-
"It's the killer pretending to be a cop because Dougie is a fucking dumbass who STILL trusts the first person he sees, EVEN IF THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK! FUCKING KID GET SOME GOD DAMN SENSE WILL YOU!!!!!" we are all saying. And yes, we're right. And...the movie ends. We never see the killer's face, or wonder if it's anyone we've seen in the movie, or what. I will admit, it's an interesting twist that I didn't see coming. Well, I saw it coming like 2 minutes before it happened, but I didn't see it coming at the beginning of the movie. That's all.
This movie is very weird, really dark, and comedic in parts. I think this would make a good double feature with "Trick R Treat", if you're having a Halloween party, which I'm totally doing this year. I have to think of a good costume. I see Satan and Jesus has been taken. I wonder if I can pull off a good Peter. I just need a rock...
-Jason
Friday, June 08, 2012
The Lair of the Unwanted #34: Jason Love Porn Stars!
It's Jason's birthday! Time to watch a crazy movie! Jason and Nolahn discuss the film "One-Eyed Monster", which includes Ron Jeremy's penis. I believe the word "penis" is said more times than any podcast out there, including The Demented Podcast.
Before that, everyone showers Jason with fake birthday gifts, and Jason reveals who he'd switch places with if he had the chance.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #3
This time around, I talk about some Blu-Rays I've recently bought along with some DVD's. Oh and I was hungover. So....enjoy!
-Jason
Poll: What kind of reader are you?
With The LAMMY's upon us, it got me thinking about the two categories I'm nominated in and I wondered if a good chunk of my readers are horror fans or just think I'm funny. So I decided to make a poll asking such a question.
Feel free to be honest, cause I'd like to know what type of readership I have. Plus, it'll help me figure out what type of reviews I SHOULD be doing.
And any information you give me will be used in boner pill commercials.
Thanks!
-Jason
Feel free to be honest, cause I'd like to know what type of readership I have. Plus, it'll help me figure out what type of reviews I SHOULD be doing.
And any information you give me will be used in boner pill commercials.
Thanks!
-Jason
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
The Soto List: 1980 Edition
Today is my motherfucking birthday!! So to celebrate, I thought I'd go to wikipedia and look up all the movies that came out the year of my birth and compile a list of my favorites! That should be easy, right?
Airplane! and The Blues Brothers-1980 was a good year for comedy it seems.
Cannibal Holocaust-I feel weird putting this on a list of "favorites" but it's an interesting watch and I think it needs to be seen at least once just purely for the history of the film.
The Changeling-Great atmospheric film with George C. Scott. You will need patience with it though.
The Fog-I've only seen this once, after not sleeping for 18 hours and through a hangover, and I liked it. I will have to watch it again with a clear head.
Friday the 13th-Duh.
The Pumaman-Yes! This movie is so awful that it's hilarious. Best MST3K episode in my opinion.
The Shining-This movie seems older than 1980, but that's probably cause they spent 20 years filming the damn thing. OH! Speaking of...
Empire Strikes Back-How awesome for the world that not only was I born but this movie came out the same year? Crazy, huh?
Stir Crazy-Often under looked comedic gem from Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. NOW!
Superman 2-Easily the best Superman movie ever! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Used Cars-Another underrated comedy starring Kurt Russell as a used car salesman. There's a crazy plot which is hard to describe, just do yourself a favor and check it out.
Finally, just for shits and gigs, here's a group of people the same age as me:
Zooey Deschanel
Christina Ricci
Kristen Bell
Macaulay Culkin
Michelle Williams
Jake Gyllenhaal
Anna Chlumsky
And finally...Ryan Gosling.
Hey girl...
-Jason
Old School Summer: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies
Status: Rented from Blockbuster.
Why wouldn't I rent a movie called "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies"? Why wouldn't The Asylum make a completely ridiculous movie based on a movie that isn't even out yet called "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter", which I'm totally FUCKING looking forward to!
But here's the shocking thing and you probably won't believe me when I say this but...this movie is actually DECENT! Like, kinda good! I...liked it! I...don't believe it either.And I promise you The Asylum isn't paying me to say that, they barely pay their writers, what makes you think they'll pay little ol' me? I'm just in shock.
Oh, if you never got a The Asylum DVD, be prepared to be annoyed cause their trailers never fucking end. I counted one time (it wasn't for this movie but for one of the shark movies I watched earlier) and there was NINE FUCKING TRAILERS! NINE! Normally there's maybe at most five but NINE?! Jesus.
Ok, anyway. The movie starts up and it shows young Abe in Indiana (WOO!) and his mother is a zombie. He pulls out a scythe and cuts her head off. Flash forward to the "present" which is sometime in 1863 I think and he's preparing for some dumb speech in Gettysburg that he must make or some crap when someone tells him a solider came back from an attack on some fort kinda sick.
Abe checks this out and finds out the solider is slowly turning into a zombie. The solider tells Mr. Lincoln (I feel weird calling him Abe) that a bunch of "strange people starts eating all the soliders" and he got bitten. Soon, he's a full blown zombie and Bad-Ass Abe pulls out his awesome scythe out of his coat and cuts his head off.
Knowing what he must do, he forms a small team of Secret Service guys to head to the fort to figure out how to stop this zombie outbreak before it reaches across the country! Civil War be damned! There was a part that reminded me of "The Walking Dead" where a guy who was sort of on The South's side thinks all the "zombies" could be cured eventually, but Lincoln is like "Fuck that shit! I have a cool scythe!"
So Lincoln heads to the fort with a group of secret service people, one of whom sounds very anti-Lincoln. And his name? John Wilkinson.
Ok, we know way early on this is suppose to be John Wilkes Booth. Let THAT sink in for a moment cause other shit is about to come flying at you.
They arrive at the fort and not only find zombies but Confederate Rebels shooting at them. Once Lincoln takes care of some zombies in a bad ass fashion, he discovers one of the Rebels...is General Stonewall Jackson himself!! WOW!
So Lincoln takes Stonewall and his men prisoner while he figures out how to stop this zombie thing. By the way, one of the secret service guys is a freed slave named Mr. Brown (I know I know...) and he tells Lincoln his relatives on the plantations use to talk about these undead beings called "zombies" which is where they learn the word.
Anyway, while Lincoln is figuring shit out, Stonewall is like "These are human beings! My people! You murderer!!" Man, what is it with Southern people and wanting to keep zombies alive? Jeez, southern man, you better you keep your head! Don't forget what your good book said! Southern change gonna come at last!
Lincoln and a few men head into a nearby town to get supplies and try to send for help. They come across some zombies and hide out in a brothel, where-you won't believe this-one of Lincoln's EX GIRLFRIENDS works at! And some little kid is hanging around here and his name is Teddy. Teddy...Roosevelt. I'm not even kidding.
And apparently Teddy Roosevelt is a thief cause Lincoln tells him "here, speak softly and carry this big stick" and "a nation divided upon itself cannot stand". Like, wow, really?
So anyway, Lincoln takes ex-girlfriend Mary and her daughter back to the fort, while killing zombies along the way. Oh, the zombies here don't respond by you merely being near them, they have to be attracted by noise first. So there are scenes where everyone is running by zombies while they do nothing. I bet Nick Jobe read that and is having an aneurysm right now.
Meanwhile, John Wilkes Booth wants to kill Lincoln for being Lincoln. Mary The Slut gets bitten and is slowly turning into a zombie. Lincoln thinks the only way to stop this is to just kill the town full of zombies. Stonewall is against this but one of Stonewall's men is all for it and agrees to help. So they go out and kill a bunch of zombies, which works but...more show up, killing a good chunk of Lincoln's men.
The survivors retreat back to the fort and ponder what to do. Stonewall FINALLY gives in and says "Hey, I have a shit ton of dynamite" let's just blow the fuckers up! Lincoln thanks him for his help and sets it up and manages to get the zombies into the fort and blow it up, killing them all and Stonewall. John Wilkes Booth isn't happy about this and runs away, vowing revenge...
There's still Mary to deal with. Lincoln takes her and chains her in a barn and has a doctor try to fix her. OH NOW you're all about trying to cure them, when it's an old piece of ass that's still pretty hot. Flash forward to one day before "the big day" if you know what I mean and while visiting Mary the Zombie, he gets bitten. Realizing he must act fast, he sends a letter to John Wilkes Booth telling him where he's gonna be at to give him a chance to kill him.
Ok, so how did Lincoln know that John Wilkes Booth would shoot him in the head, killing him? What if he should him in the shoulder or the heart? Then would zombie Lincoln attack John Wilkes Booth? Actually...that'd be kinda awesome!
So that's the movie. Yes, I was really surprised. I was really into the story and the guy playing Lincoln did a fantastic job! I totally believed him and I now want a series of Lincoln movies starring this guy. The downsides, besides some of the weird cameos by historical figures, was the fake beards and mustaches looked a bit too fake and of course the blood is CGI. I dunno why The Asylum can't afford to make blood. It can't cost THAT much! But whatever. I can't believe I'm saying this but
"Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies" is a good movie. Go check it out.
Gah, I feel dirty now.
-Jason
Why wouldn't I rent a movie called "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies"? Why wouldn't The Asylum make a completely ridiculous movie based on a movie that isn't even out yet called "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter", which I'm totally FUCKING looking forward to!
But here's the shocking thing and you probably won't believe me when I say this but...this movie is actually DECENT! Like, kinda good! I...liked it! I...don't believe it either.And I promise you The Asylum isn't paying me to say that, they barely pay their writers, what makes you think they'll pay little ol' me? I'm just in shock.
Oh, if you never got a The Asylum DVD, be prepared to be annoyed cause their trailers never fucking end. I counted one time (it wasn't for this movie but for one of the shark movies I watched earlier) and there was NINE FUCKING TRAILERS! NINE! Normally there's maybe at most five but NINE?! Jesus.
Ok, anyway. The movie starts up and it shows young Abe in Indiana (WOO!) and his mother is a zombie. He pulls out a scythe and cuts her head off. Flash forward to the "present" which is sometime in 1863 I think and he's preparing for some dumb speech in Gettysburg that he must make or some crap when someone tells him a solider came back from an attack on some fort kinda sick.
Abe checks this out and finds out the solider is slowly turning into a zombie. The solider tells Mr. Lincoln (I feel weird calling him Abe) that a bunch of "strange people starts eating all the soliders" and he got bitten. Soon, he's a full blown zombie and Bad-Ass Abe pulls out his awesome scythe out of his coat and cuts his head off.
Knowing what he must do, he forms a small team of Secret Service guys to head to the fort to figure out how to stop this zombie outbreak before it reaches across the country! Civil War be damned! There was a part that reminded me of "The Walking Dead" where a guy who was sort of on The South's side thinks all the "zombies" could be cured eventually, but Lincoln is like "Fuck that shit! I have a cool scythe!"
So Lincoln heads to the fort with a group of secret service people, one of whom sounds very anti-Lincoln. And his name? John Wilkinson.
Ok, we know way early on this is suppose to be John Wilkes Booth. Let THAT sink in for a moment cause other shit is about to come flying at you.
They arrive at the fort and not only find zombies but Confederate Rebels shooting at them. Once Lincoln takes care of some zombies in a bad ass fashion, he discovers one of the Rebels...is General Stonewall Jackson himself!! WOW!
So Lincoln takes Stonewall and his men prisoner while he figures out how to stop this zombie thing. By the way, one of the secret service guys is a freed slave named Mr. Brown (I know I know...) and he tells Lincoln his relatives on the plantations use to talk about these undead beings called "zombies" which is where they learn the word.
Anyway, while Lincoln is figuring shit out, Stonewall is like "These are human beings! My people! You murderer!!" Man, what is it with Southern people and wanting to keep zombies alive? Jeez, southern man, you better you keep your head! Don't forget what your good book said! Southern change gonna come at last!
Lincoln and a few men head into a nearby town to get supplies and try to send for help. They come across some zombies and hide out in a brothel, where-you won't believe this-one of Lincoln's EX GIRLFRIENDS works at! And some little kid is hanging around here and his name is Teddy. Teddy...Roosevelt. I'm not even kidding.
And apparently Teddy Roosevelt is a thief cause Lincoln tells him "here, speak softly and carry this big stick" and "a nation divided upon itself cannot stand". Like, wow, really?
So anyway, Lincoln takes ex-girlfriend Mary and her daughter back to the fort, while killing zombies along the way. Oh, the zombies here don't respond by you merely being near them, they have to be attracted by noise first. So there are scenes where everyone is running by zombies while they do nothing. I bet Nick Jobe read that and is having an aneurysm right now.
Meanwhile, John Wilkes Booth wants to kill Lincoln for being Lincoln. Mary The Slut gets bitten and is slowly turning into a zombie. Lincoln thinks the only way to stop this is to just kill the town full of zombies. Stonewall is against this but one of Stonewall's men is all for it and agrees to help. So they go out and kill a bunch of zombies, which works but...more show up, killing a good chunk of Lincoln's men.
The survivors retreat back to the fort and ponder what to do. Stonewall FINALLY gives in and says "Hey, I have a shit ton of dynamite" let's just blow the fuckers up! Lincoln thanks him for his help and sets it up and manages to get the zombies into the fort and blow it up, killing them all and Stonewall. John Wilkes Booth isn't happy about this and runs away, vowing revenge...
There's still Mary to deal with. Lincoln takes her and chains her in a barn and has a doctor try to fix her. OH NOW you're all about trying to cure them, when it's an old piece of ass that's still pretty hot. Flash forward to one day before "the big day" if you know what I mean and while visiting Mary the Zombie, he gets bitten. Realizing he must act fast, he sends a letter to John Wilkes Booth telling him where he's gonna be at to give him a chance to kill him.
Ok, so how did Lincoln know that John Wilkes Booth would shoot him in the head, killing him? What if he should him in the shoulder or the heart? Then would zombie Lincoln attack John Wilkes Booth? Actually...that'd be kinda awesome!
So that's the movie. Yes, I was really surprised. I was really into the story and the guy playing Lincoln did a fantastic job! I totally believed him and I now want a series of Lincoln movies starring this guy. The downsides, besides some of the weird cameos by historical figures, was the fake beards and mustaches looked a bit too fake and of course the blood is CGI. I dunno why The Asylum can't afford to make blood. It can't cost THAT much! But whatever. I can't believe I'm saying this but
"Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies" is a good movie. Go check it out.
Gah, I feel dirty now.
-Jason
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Old School Summer: Evil Things
And I begin my "Old School Summer" with...this.
Status: I own this movie. Sadly enough.
Oh found footage movies. Thanks to you, any idiot with a camera thinks they can make a horror movie. Let's go through the checklist shall we?
-A bunch of non-actors who are probably friends with the director.
-One of the non-actors holds the camera the entire time, even during times no normal human being SHOULD be holding a camera.
-Inclusion of the line "Are you really gonna be filming the entire time?" or "Dude, why are you still filming?!"
-A whole bunch of time wasted on all the friends partying.
-Something creepy happening in the background.
-More partying.
-Creepy things finally comes to the forefront.
-A bunch of times the camera flies around, giving everybody motion sickness.
-The camera going black to symbolize a person died.
All that more or less happens in "Evil Things", which is such a great title wasted on a fucking stupid ass movie. It really should've been called "Stalking" or "Evil Vans" cause that's all that happens in this damn movie.
To sum up: a group of friends are leaving one place and going to another for the weekend. While driving, they come across an asshole driving in a van. They yell at the van and drive around it. The van then decides to stalk the teenagers. When the van isn't stalking the teenagers, we see how white republican Christian 20-somethings act. Seriously, I've never seen a group of well behaved people in my life. Nobody said "fuck" or talked about fucking each other or made boner jokes or anything of the sort. It's like whoever made this movie wanted to show it during church or something. If that's the case, then maybe the evil guy in the van is Satan? Makes more sense than what actually happened!
Anyway, the friends show up at a house and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR 40 FUCKING MINUTES!!! Just talking and stupid shit and stuff you don't even care to know about. They forget about the van, go on about their day, and get lost in the woods. After bickering for 20 minutes (Yes, we are now at the 1 hour mark) they get back to the house and then weird shit happens. Someone knocks on their door, leaving a VHS tape on the porch. Now normal young people this day and age would go "What the fuck is this?!" and probably throw it back outside but THIS group knows to put it into a VCR and play it.
And what's on the tape will chill you!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK no.
It's video footage of someone INSIDE the evil van following THEM, then I will admit I got a little creeped out here cause the guy then goes inside the house and films them sleeping, which is one of many things that makes me go jibblie jibblie jibblie. So while seeing this, the friends flip the fuck out and start running around like rats in a maze, trying to get signals on their phones but no avail. There was ONE other good scene when one dude goes into a room and the door just slams shut and lord only knows what is happening inside.
BECAUSE WE DON'T SEE ANY BLOOD OR GORE!! It's a bloodless movie. I'm telling you, this was suppose to be shown in a church. So the rest run around some more until the dude recording the entire time gives the camera to this dumb girl who immediately trips, breaking the camera. Then the rest of the film is from the killer's point of view as he chases someone outside the house and then chases someone inside the house but again, no blood or violence.
There's a scene of some guy watching all this footage on multiple TV's, which would be nice if it explained anything but no it's ALL the same shit we just seen. Then the guy in the evil van starts following a group of people making a movie, hopefully better than this one, and I don't know what the fuck that means cause the credits roll. But during the credits we see the footage from the killer, but again it would be neat and exciting if it was SOMETHING DIFFERENT or explained what the fuck was happening! It's the SAME footage of the van following the friends, then stalking them, then walking in on them sleeping, and that's it. The end. Fuck you!
So besides the TWO creepy things in this movie, this movie was a giant waste of time. I could get all the LAMBS together and make a found footage movie FIVE TIMES scarier than this piece of shit fucking movie! AND do it for under 50 bucks! And the guy who made this movie was suppose to send me a free copy but he never did. So now I'm even MORE upset I had to pay for this crap.
Except this dude has my address.
Fuck.
-Jason
PS: Stacie Ponder of Final Girl also reviewed this movie. I dunno if I unwittingly said the same things as here, so I'm linking her just in case.
Status: I own this movie. Sadly enough.
Oh found footage movies. Thanks to you, any idiot with a camera thinks they can make a horror movie. Let's go through the checklist shall we?
-A bunch of non-actors who are probably friends with the director.
-One of the non-actors holds the camera the entire time, even during times no normal human being SHOULD be holding a camera.
-Inclusion of the line "Are you really gonna be filming the entire time?" or "Dude, why are you still filming?!"
-A whole bunch of time wasted on all the friends partying.
-Something creepy happening in the background.
-More partying.
-Creepy things finally comes to the forefront.
-A bunch of times the camera flies around, giving everybody motion sickness.
-The camera going black to symbolize a person died.
All that more or less happens in "Evil Things", which is such a great title wasted on a fucking stupid ass movie. It really should've been called "Stalking" or "Evil Vans" cause that's all that happens in this damn movie.
To sum up: a group of friends are leaving one place and going to another for the weekend. While driving, they come across an asshole driving in a van. They yell at the van and drive around it. The van then decides to stalk the teenagers. When the van isn't stalking the teenagers, we see how white republican Christian 20-somethings act. Seriously, I've never seen a group of well behaved people in my life. Nobody said "fuck" or talked about fucking each other or made boner jokes or anything of the sort. It's like whoever made this movie wanted to show it during church or something. If that's the case, then maybe the evil guy in the van is Satan? Makes more sense than what actually happened!
Anyway, the friends show up at a house and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR 40 FUCKING MINUTES!!! Just talking and stupid shit and stuff you don't even care to know about. They forget about the van, go on about their day, and get lost in the woods. After bickering for 20 minutes (Yes, we are now at the 1 hour mark) they get back to the house and then weird shit happens. Someone knocks on their door, leaving a VHS tape on the porch. Now normal young people this day and age would go "What the fuck is this?!" and probably throw it back outside but THIS group knows to put it into a VCR and play it.
And what's on the tape will chill you!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK no.
It's video footage of someone INSIDE the evil van following THEM, then I will admit I got a little creeped out here cause the guy then goes inside the house and films them sleeping, which is one of many things that makes me go jibblie jibblie jibblie. So while seeing this, the friends flip the fuck out and start running around like rats in a maze, trying to get signals on their phones but no avail. There was ONE other good scene when one dude goes into a room and the door just slams shut and lord only knows what is happening inside.
BECAUSE WE DON'T SEE ANY BLOOD OR GORE!! It's a bloodless movie. I'm telling you, this was suppose to be shown in a church. So the rest run around some more until the dude recording the entire time gives the camera to this dumb girl who immediately trips, breaking the camera. Then the rest of the film is from the killer's point of view as he chases someone outside the house and then chases someone inside the house but again, no blood or violence.
There's a scene of some guy watching all this footage on multiple TV's, which would be nice if it explained anything but no it's ALL the same shit we just seen. Then the guy in the evil van starts following a group of people making a movie, hopefully better than this one, and I don't know what the fuck that means cause the credits roll. But during the credits we see the footage from the killer, but again it would be neat and exciting if it was SOMETHING DIFFERENT or explained what the fuck was happening! It's the SAME footage of the van following the friends, then stalking them, then walking in on them sleeping, and that's it. The end. Fuck you!
So besides the TWO creepy things in this movie, this movie was a giant waste of time. I could get all the LAMBS together and make a found footage movie FIVE TIMES scarier than this piece of shit fucking movie! AND do it for under 50 bucks! And the guy who made this movie was suppose to send me a free copy but he never did. So now I'm even MORE upset I had to pay for this crap.
Except this dude has my address.
Fuck.
-Jason
PS: Stacie Ponder of Final Girl also reviewed this movie. I dunno if I unwittingly said the same things as here, so I'm linking her just in case.
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