Over on this here site, the dude running it put out a blog-a-thon of sorts for people to write up a list of 8 Movie's They'd Like To Have if They Were On A Deserted Island (That's a long ass title). As a result of this, I will be debuting a new feature (really? another one? Jason, you suck) where I do my own sort of lists. I can't put my name on this one since it wasn't my idea but the others? I'm like Trump, baby.
Anyway. Looking at a couple of others peoples lists I see they put one of each genre. I said "screw that noise" and pick 8 movies I'd love to see over and over again. I guess this also could be 8 movies I'd save if my place was on fire, but that'd mean I'd be burnt alive trying to pick the 8th.
Ok, enough stalling. Let's get on with it.
8. Billy Madison-I fucking love this movie. It's on cable almost every day and if I catch it, I watch it, even if I seen it the previous day. I can quote the hell out of this movie. I even had downloaded at one time (prior to my computer getting wiped out) the song he sang in the middle of the movie.
"Veronica! I thank you! For beating the shit out of me!!"
7. The Hangover-I promise they all won't be comedies. But I too could watch this movie over and over, anytime it's on. Plus you get to see Heather Graham's boobs, so that's worth something. (Why, no I haven't seen "Boogie Nights" all the way though, why do you ask?)
6. The Re-Animator-I don't have anything to say about this, really. I mean it's The Fuckin' Re-Animator. Best zombie movie since...
5. Dawn of the Dead-And I do mean the classic 1978 film. Not that I have problems with the remake, I like the remake enough, but I gotta go with the classic on this. Plus, this movie deals with isolation well, so I could relate enough probably.
4. Clerks-Out of all the Kevin Smith films I could pick, I'll go with the classic. Of course, watching this would make me wish I could see Clerks 2, which I love just as much, if not more. But I could quote this movie more easily. Speaking of quoteable movies...
3. Pulp Fiction-Again, of all the Quentin Taratino films I have, I went with this one. This is my absolute favorite GOOD movie OF ALL TIME. Yes OF ALL FUCKING TIME! Deal with it. It's like the perfect movie. It's got a great story, compelling characters, awesome music, it's told non-linear. It's just awesome.
2. The Room-I'd need a good bad but reall bad in a good way movie with me. I mean think about it, I'm shipwrecked on an island and I'm eating coconuts and whatever fish I could grab. What could make me feel better? How about Tommy Wiseau trying to act? Plus watching this will make me think about how I met him and then I'd really cheer up.
1. Basket Case-I got to, man. I mean...HE PICKS HIM UP BY THE MOTHERFUCKING BALLS!!! How COULD I NOT have this movie on my list? I should be watching this every day anyway.
So anyway, that's my list. If you wanna participate you have until April 9th to email the dude and make your list. I'll have more on my own new feature later on.
-Jason
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
New Review: Sherlock Holmes (2009)
I take a look at the recent "Sherlock Holmes" movie.
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Yes I do mean THAT one!
-Jason
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning
At long last, I finally seen Part 5! The world can rejoice!!
The beginning of this film shows Corey Feldman, as Tommy Jarvis, walking through a rainy forest and coming upon the crappily made grave of Jason Voorhees. He's staring at it when two random rednecks show up. Tommy hides while the rednecks dig up the grave. Instead of it being 6 feet it's more like 6 inches as after two scoops of dirt, they found the coffin.
The rednecks open the coffin and Jason comes to life and kills the rednecks. He climbs out of the coffin and starts creepin' towards Tommy. And that's when Corey Feldman's contract ran up cause now we focus on teenager Tommy waking up. This Tommy looks like a strung out James Van Der Beek. He's in a van going to some place in the woods (of course). The placen ends up being a home run by Matthew and Pam. The home is sort of like a halfway house between the mental institution and living on your own in the real world. Tommy is sent to live there.
Tommy's not doing too good after what happened at the end of part 4. He just kinda sits around and stares, not talking to anyone. Tommy should fit right in!
Tommy finds his room and meets Reggie aka Reckless. I'm sure that name will come into play later. While Tommy's getting use to the place, the police pull up with two of Matthew's residents. It turns out the neighbor Mrs. Hubbard caught them fucking on her property. To prove the point, Mrs. Hubbard and her son Junior appear on Junior's motorbike. These two...you'll meet them later a bit better.
Just know that Mrs. Hubbard and Junior aren't exactly right in the head.
So Tommy's adjusting to life in this house while everyone wants to screw. The resident "slow guy" named Joey is being a pain to everyone. Some other guy named Victor is chopping wood (with an ax che-che-che-che ha-ha-ha-ha) and Joey annoys him so much that Victor plants the ax into Joey. No one seemed bothered by this.
Tommy meanwhile, keeps seeing Jason standing in places and passes it off as "time to take the meds!" Reggie, meanwhile, begs his grandfather to let him to see his brother in town. Grandfather thinks about this. I mention this for a reason.
Later at night, one of the guys that transported Tommy to the home is off duty and picking up a waitress named Lana. I mention this cause it seems like weird/pedo-lookin' guys in these movies seems to get hot chicks. And Lana is the first to show boobs in this movie. Anyway, both get killed by an unseen killer. Hmmm....
The next day, the two horny residents decide to go off and screw somewhere and the chick here has real nice tits so when she finally showed them, I was quite happy. This movie is looking up. Unfortunately, she flashed her ax wound to Jason before he gave her another one.
So now it's later that night and Matthew is wondering where the horny kids are at. Reckless wants to go see his brother named, and I'm not kidding here, "Demon". I guess Pam is taking him. Matthew thinks it's a good idea to take Tommy with. I think all this time we were suppose to think Tommy was doing the murders, what with not showing who's doing the killing. So bringing him along with a kid and a woman is a good idea. While Pam is away, Matthew is away looking for the horny kids, so the other stock characters are left by themselves to do things like this:
Yeah, I dunno what the fuck that was.
So Pam takes Reckless to meet Demon and, again I'm not shitting you, Demon LIVES IN A VAAAAAN!!!!! DOWN BY THE SHITTER!!!!!! Demon and Reckless have a tearful reunion while Demon offers Reckless and Pam such culinary treats as enchiladas, pizza, and egg rolls. Somehow, Demon has a chick who looks like Rhianna in the 80's. Looking up this Demon guy, he's played by Miguel A. Nunez, Jr, who you might know as "Juwanna Man" and "Sticks" from "Leprechan 4: In Space".
While the Lifetime Channel-riffic reunion is happening, Junior Hubbard shows up and taunts Tommy. Tommy, who is no Chuck Norris, handles himself quite nicely. He beats the shit out of Junior and Junior goes running. He runs back home and, again I'm not shitting you, this scene happens:
Alright, that should be the last video I have for you.
Tommy got upset from the beating of Junior that he goes running off. Pam breaks up the greatest brother reunion I've ever seen on film to go after Tommy. Not 20 seconds after they left, Demon says he's gotta take a shit. He runs to a tin foil outhouse, where 80's Rhianna plays a trick on him by shaking it. Not amused by this, Jason kills them both. Or Tommy. Someone kills them.
Pam gets to the house to drop Reggie off and one of the other kids with a stuttering problems tries to fuck another girl but she laughs in his face. It's ok, J-J-J-JUNIOR, you gonna get killed by Jason anyway. Pam is out looking for Matthew, Tommy, AND the horny kids while Jason kills the other stock characters in the house.
Reggie wakes up and finds a pile of dead bodies in Tommy's room. Pam returns and finds them as well and is about to leave when...TAA-DAA!!! Jason arrives like the Kool-Aid man! Hey MURDER!!
So it's your standard "Jason chases the survivors, one of which is a girl" and this girl isn't wearing a bra. In fact, none of the girls that showed their tits in this movie was wearing a bra. Was the 80's the new '60's where women didn't wear bras? I don't really remember, I was 7 when this movie came out. I thought girls were yucky.
Eventually, Reggie gets a CDL license and drives a tractor through Jason. Of course Pam and Reggie has to stand in front of his body so he can come back to life and go after them once more. They hide in a barn where Pam finds a motherfuckin' chainsaw! Yeah!! This Final Girl takes no shit!!!
But Pam fucked around too long and the chainsaw ran out of gas. Reggie boos this off to the side. Then...Tommy shows up? WHA??? So Tommy isn't Jason. I guess Jason is Jason. So why "A New Beginning"? I didn't know they had reboots in the '80's. Again, I was 7. I was wearing boots.
Anyway.
Tommy confronts Jason, but Jason isn't taking no shit and proceeds to stab him. Tommy does some stabbing himself with a pocket knife so huge, Rambo would be like "Whoa dude, you crazy or something?" The fight leads to the second story of this barn, where Jason eventually falls off and lands on some spikey thing that randomly came out of nowhere. Jason is dead and his mask fell off revealing that it's NOT JASON BUT....some dude. HUH???
TURNS OUT! (SPOILER IF YOU CARE)
The dude is named Roy. He appeared in all of two scenes earlier in the movie. He was a paramedic. Roy turned out to be the father of Joey and was pissed about the death of his son, so he went crazy and wanted to kill all the house residents. He disguised himself as Jason cause he read about him in the paper and thought it'd be a great cover, since Tommy was there and everything. So that's settled.
Tommy is in the hospital now and he keeps having dreams about Jason. Tommy wakes up and finds Jason's mask in a dresser drawer. He takes it and looks at it, whistfully (See, I could write romance novels if I wanted to) until he hears footsteps coming down the hall.
Outside is Braless Pam and she hears a crash. Running in, she sees Tommy did a "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and threw something big through the window and escaped. OR DID HE!
Well he didn't. He's standing behind Pam wearing the mask and holding a knife. To be continued...
So I guess "New Beginning" means Tommy is NOW the new Jason. I can't wait for Part 6. If I can find the fucker.
Some things to note quickly:
-During the Lana/Topless scene in the diner, she hears a noise and goes to investigates and yes fucking yes a cat literally comes flying out of nowhere. Where the fuck did a cat come from FROM INSIDE THE DINER??
-There's a brief mention that Jason, the real Jason, was cremated. So can't wait to see how that comes into play in the later movies.
-The horny chick was hot.
Overall, this movie was so stupid it was a lot of fun to watch. You can see when Jason finally appears, it's not really Jason cause this Jason was all skinny and kinda scrawny, whereas the Real Jason was all thick and meaty. Everything else is just your typical "Friday the 13th" movie so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. But I was surprised.
Now everybody, do the lame robot dance!
-Jason
Monday, March 22, 2010
Slap The Bitch Off of You!!
I don't know how to do this exactly. Thankfully, I'm not getting paid to write this cause I'll probably fuck it up somehow and not get paid at all. So bear with me as I try to talk about the movie "Bitch Slap".
As far as I can tell, "Bitch Slap" is a homage to 60's and '70's female exploitation films, kinda like the kind Russ Meyers would direct. There's even clips of some of his movies (and others just like this) during the opening credits.
Writing about this movie is hard because we sort of start, if we were to look at this in a linear sort of way, at the middle of the story, with a car driving in the desert, stopping at what looks like Budd's trailer from "Kill Bill". Three super fuckin hot chicks with boobs hanging out step out of the car. These three chicks are Hel (The leader), Camero (The crazy one), and Trixie (hard to believe but the slutty one). They are at the trailer looking for something. What that something is is told in a long series of flashbacks that last throughout the whole movie. So we'll go ahead and flashforward a bit.
There's this guy named Gage and he has some nuclear war thing that can kill a bunch of people just like THAT. He sells it for some diamonds to a foriegn guy but Camero steals the diamonds.
Camero hides out in a convent, pretty much sinning all over the place when Gage finds her and has her thrown in prison.
So the three gals are here looking for the diamonds. Gage, who is now the girls hostage, tells them he buried it somewhere but before he can say where, Camero, who's hopped up on some drug, kills him. So now they gotta start digging, where a random water fight breaks out. I love when movies do that.
During the water fight, we sorta flashback again and find that Hel is some secret agent chick sent to go after Gage. Her boss is seriously played by Kevin Sorbo, of Hercules fame. She's sent to the prison Camero is in to find the diamonds and they, um, "get together" while in prison. But Hel is also with Trixie! GASP!!
And my review is gonna have to stop there only cause of the 90 million twists and turns this movie takes. Just know there's multiple lesbian sex scenes, awesome fight scenes, a lot of gun fire, explosions, and overall bad assery!
I told you it was hard to write about this movie. If my word means anything, you need to see this. It's mucho awesome.
-Jason
B-Movie Meatloaf: Paranormal Entity
After spending the morning boiled into controversy, I took a heavy sigh and put in "Paranormal Entity" in my DVD player.
For those of you not in the know, "Entity" was made by The Asylum, a movie company I talk about a lot. They pretty much scan all the COMING SOON TO THEATERS trailers and as quickly as possible, whip up their own versions of said movies, but with a slight twist. Then they release these movies around the same day as the original movie hits theaters, possibly hoping to confuse stupid people and old ladies.
"Oh, my grandson was talking about this Transmorphers movie and here it is. I'll buy this for him so he doesn't need to spend only God knows how much seeing it in the picture house. Here you go, Tommy!"
One of these shameful rip-off's was on "Paranormal Activity" and this is really shameful. I can see tricking people into watching movies like "Transmorphers" or "The Terminators" or even "Alien vs Hunter" but making a movie based on "found" footage? It'll make you wonder how many wanna-be film makers are out there trying to capture "real" footage of spooky stuff.
With that said, "Entity" takes the "Activity" story and spins it on it's head. We focus on Thomas and his sister Samantha and his Mom. Sam is fucking hot and I'm pretty sure Thomas wants to do her in the worse way. He spends most of the beginning filming her and her clevage.
They eventually set up the story which is Mom tried to talk to her dead husband one night and ever since, "something" has been causing chaos in the house. Thomas, despite being unemployed, manages to buy THREE high quality cameras with awesome night vison.
If you seen "Activity" then you know what the night vison footage looks like. Things start off kinda slow. A TV turns on and off on it's own. A phone rings with no one on the other end. A table moves. A cross over Sam's bed keeps falling off. And of course Thomas responds to screams with camera in hand.
Things amp up a bit when one night a loud thud and stomping is heard. All three go investigate and they find footprints on the ceiling. Maybe it's Spider Pig? The next morning Thomas finds out the footprints are covered in ash and he finds Dad's urn knocked over and footprints all around it.
I'll admit, this scene was effective.
Some more nights go by and Sam seems to be the target of these attacks. "Whatever" is in the house manages to push the camera in her bedroom (Thomas' idea, obviously) into the closet and it tries to rape her. Eventually, Thomas tells Mom and Sam to leave the house for the night so he can try to stop this thing himself. His idea? Set up "Home Alone" style traps. Well, ok, it's only a string with a bell attached. But...IT WALKED ON THE FUCKING CEILING!!! Put a bell up there.
Oddly enough, this bell trick works. I guess these demons can only walk on the ceiling so often. Thomas investigates and he's attacked by the bells. Mom calls and says Sam was attacked at the hotel so they might as well come home. During another night footage scene, Mom wakes up in a daze and writes the word MARON on a piece of paper. Of course Mom doesn't remember this. According to this site, Maron means "Sturgon". Oh of course, that solves everything. They ate a possessed fish and now it's pissed off.
While this is happening, the family is trying to call a paranormal investigator and/or exorcist but he seems to be on vacation. Vacation? They don't do anything! How do you take a vacation from talking to ghosts? Whatever.
Eventually, we see Sam in her bra and later fully topless and of course Thomas is there. One night, Mom wakes up and slits her wrists and she ends up going to the hospital. FINALLY, this exorcist shows up and pretty much says "If I didn't go away, none of this would've happened." Surprisingly, Thomas didn't punch the shit out of this guy.
To demostrate this anti-climatic ending, here's my famous Dash Style detailing exactly what happens in real time here we go.
-Exoricst walks around the house with his hands in the air (cause he's a true playa) and goes "Yes".
-Exoricst then talks to Sam and tells her what she already knows: this "thing" is after her.
-Exorcist then tells Thomas and Sam to clear their minds, cause they're gonna rid of this thing.
-Screen goes black.
-Sam is screaming. Camera turns back on. Exorcist is dead.
-Thomas grabs the camera and runs through the house and finds random things thrown all over the place, including Dad's ashes.
-Thomas runs into Sam's room and finds her naked and possibly being raped by a ghost.
-Thomas drops the camera and now this movie is ripping off "Blair Witch Project".
-Things go super quiet. Then "something" picks up the camera and films a dead naked Sam.
-Screen goes black and some title cards come up to tell us that Mom killed herself when she learned Sam and Thomas died.
-There's another title card and this one has a typo. See if you can find it:
And that's it. I hate to admit it, but this movie got to me a few times. And this is really the perfect movie for The Asylum. The budget doesn't have to exceed a thousand dollars (if that) and they just need some people who want to be actors but can't get Speilberg's attention. No special effects besides fishing line. And extras to scream and moan. So for the film itself, it's not too bad. But the original is WAAAY better. And scarier.
-Jason
Unexpect The Expected
I got so much shit going on, it feel like I live in a toilet.
To the 3 people that followed me since I started this blog, you know that the previous two April's I did a thing called "30 Days of Horror" where every day in April I watched a horror movie, mainly ones I haven't seen. The first one, in 2008, was a success, even though I didn't techically do all 30 days, due to family emergency issues. The following year, 2009, I had to give up mid-way because my new job fucking sucks and instead of having a normal work schedule, I'm thrown about like a 2 dollar whore in Texas. Meaning, I didn't have the time to watch and write about a movie on certain days so I had to scrap it.
This year, I'm not even gonna attempt it, even though I'd love to do a successful one. Maybe I'll try in October, as cliche as it sounds. In the meantime, though, I'm just gonna do my usual crap which may or may not consist of:
1. A surprise that only a handful of people know about. And that handful better not ruin the surprise.
2. A review for the B-Movie Meatloaf. Funny story. Each time the Meatloaf is about to start, the creators of said Meatloaf let someone pick the theme. Apparently it was my turn this time around. Imagine my surprise so I scrambled to find something. I looked through my movie collection and come up with lame ideas like "Movies featuring characters named Dave" or "movies where a person is killed with a juice box" or even "Guys that wear socks". Then it hit me and I picked the best them evar!!! So that review SHOULD be posted tomorrow (or later today, depending on when you're reading this. If you're reading this past Monday, then why are you so late to the game, hmmmm????)
3. Yes, I swear I'll do the Razzie's reviews soon. I gotta get the movies, ya know. Unless one of you guys wants to donate a copy of "All About Steve" and/or "Transformers 2: The Quickening" to me.
4. Speaking of, I got a copy of a movie I wanna give away so I'm gonna have a contest of sorts. Details to follow.
5. Next months podcast is gonna be off the chain, fa shizzle.
6. I probably didn't mention this but now I'm gonna. I started another movie blog. This one is titled "Jason's Movie Bucket List". And it's where I watch supposed GOOD movies and talk about that experience. Before any of my hardcore fans (all 2 of you) grumble about this, I am not selling out or whatever. THAT's the side project. This blog and site right here is my main passion and it always will be. I swear.
7. One of my favorite movie bloggers is finally a LAMB, sort of thanks to me! I never introduced a blog to the LAMB before (well I did once but I got shafted in the "How did you hear about the LAMB" section, but whatever it's not about fame and glory or whatever) and it's neat that I made a difference and stuff. If you haven't, you should totally check out TheGreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blogzilla
8. Since I'm not doing 30 Days in April, I WILL be doing something towards the end of that month. I'll reveal what that is later.
I love that most of these numbers is about stuff that I'm not coming out and saying what they are yet. Aw fuck it, here they are in no particular order:
The Asylum
The Asylum
All the Nightmare on Elm Street films
Total Recall
Mass Invasion
There. Spoiler's spoiled. Hope you're happy.
-Jason
To the 3 people that followed me since I started this blog, you know that the previous two April's I did a thing called "30 Days of Horror" where every day in April I watched a horror movie, mainly ones I haven't seen. The first one, in 2008, was a success, even though I didn't techically do all 30 days, due to family emergency issues. The following year, 2009, I had to give up mid-way because my new job fucking sucks and instead of having a normal work schedule, I'm thrown about like a 2 dollar whore in Texas. Meaning, I didn't have the time to watch and write about a movie on certain days so I had to scrap it.
This year, I'm not even gonna attempt it, even though I'd love to do a successful one. Maybe I'll try in October, as cliche as it sounds. In the meantime, though, I'm just gonna do my usual crap which may or may not consist of:
1. A surprise that only a handful of people know about. And that handful better not ruin the surprise.
2. A review for the B-Movie Meatloaf. Funny story. Each time the Meatloaf is about to start, the creators of said Meatloaf let someone pick the theme. Apparently it was my turn this time around. Imagine my surprise so I scrambled to find something. I looked through my movie collection and come up with lame ideas like "Movies featuring characters named Dave" or "movies where a person is killed with a juice box" or even "Guys that wear socks". Then it hit me and I picked the best them evar!!! So that review SHOULD be posted tomorrow (or later today, depending on when you're reading this. If you're reading this past Monday, then why are you so late to the game, hmmmm????)
3. Yes, I swear I'll do the Razzie's reviews soon. I gotta get the movies, ya know. Unless one of you guys wants to donate a copy of "All About Steve" and/or "Transformers 2: The Quickening" to me.
4. Speaking of, I got a copy of a movie I wanna give away so I'm gonna have a contest of sorts. Details to follow.
5. Next months podcast is gonna be off the chain, fa shizzle.
6. I probably didn't mention this but now I'm gonna. I started another movie blog. This one is titled "Jason's Movie Bucket List". And it's where I watch supposed GOOD movies and talk about that experience. Before any of my hardcore fans (all 2 of you) grumble about this, I am not selling out or whatever. THAT's the side project. This blog and site right here is my main passion and it always will be. I swear.
7. One of my favorite movie bloggers is finally a LAMB, sort of thanks to me! I never introduced a blog to the LAMB before (well I did once but I got shafted in the "How did you hear about the LAMB" section, but whatever it's not about fame and glory or whatever) and it's neat that I made a difference and stuff. If you haven't, you should totally check out TheGreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blogzilla
8. Since I'm not doing 30 Days in April, I WILL be doing something towards the end of that month. I'll reveal what that is later.
I love that most of these numbers is about stuff that I'm not coming out and saying what they are yet. Aw fuck it, here they are in no particular order:
The Asylum
The Asylum
All the Nightmare on Elm Street films
Total Recall
Mass Invasion
There. Spoiler's spoiled. Hope you're happy.
-Jason
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
This Needs To Be Made NOW!
I was listening to the latest episode of "Outside the Cinema" and they were doing a Top 6 list of movies that never got made or was in production hell forever. A lot of good titles on that list, but Bill's number 1 got my interest. He talks about a movie called "Worst Case Scenario" and said two trailers were up on Youtube and I checked them out.
OH MY
FUCKING GOD!!
I want to see this NOW! NOW!! NOW!!!! Ugh, life isn't fair sometimes.
-Jason
OH MY
FUCKING GOD!!
I want to see this NOW! NOW!! NOW!!!! Ugh, life isn't fair sometimes.
-Jason
Monday, March 15, 2010
LAMB's In The Director's Chair: Point Break
This is my second entry in the LAMB's In The Director's Chair feature, talking about a Kathryn Bigelow film. Since I wrote about "Near Dark" I learned a couple of things:
1. I'm the biggest asshole in the world for hating THE GREATEST VAMPIRE MOVIE EVER MADE.
2. "The Hurt Locker" is possibly the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE PERIOD!!
Since my last review, The Former Mrs. James Cameron has won Best Director and Best Picture for "The Hurt Locker". Consider I only seen two films by her, I'm starting to think if the Academy is like "Eh, we gave it to some black people a few years ago, let's give something to a chick now. BOOZE!" I'm not saying she's a bad director, but her films leave something to be desired.
That takes us to this entry, "Point Break", or as I knew it "That surf movie with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze". Apparently after seeing it, I wasn't too far off. It's a surf movie with Keanu, Swayze, AND Gary Busey. I learn something new every day.
Keanu plays the stupidly named Johnny Utah, and he is AN! F! B! I! AGENT! sent to the headquarters in L.A to handle robbery cases. Johnny is partned up with Angelo, played by the loveable Gary Buesy. Yes, he plays a good guy. He's the crazy good guy, but a good guy nonetheless.
Angelo has been trying to solve a string of robberies being done buy a group of robbers called The Ex-Presidents, because they all wear rubber President masks, like Nixon, Reagan, Jimmy Carter, and...LBJ? Is there a LBJ mask? Ok... Angelo suspects the robbers are surfers cause of something to do with dirt samples and wax samples, so he sends Johnny undercover to learn how to surf and yes, the F.B.I will pay him to surf.
After wiping out a few times, Johnny meets Tyler (Lori Petty in the girliest role I've ever seen her in) and as cliches go, she hates his guts at first but then grows to love the lovable wooden actor. Tyler introduces Johnny to Brodhi (Patrick Swayze), who is an adrinaline junkie. Not only does he surf, he likes to sky dive and...that's it.
So if I was back in 1991 watching this movie and I knew NOTHING about it, I would've said to myself "Jason, stop talking to yourself and watch the movie. Oh but The Ex-Presidents is Brodhi and his friends". But this movie wants to string us along for another hour before telling us that.
Johnny thinks the robbers is this gang of nazi surfers (Surf Nazi's Must Die, anyone?) and one of the gang surf nazis is played by, and I'm not shitting you, Anthony Kedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I guess Flea told him how easy acting is.
So Johnny and Angelo set up a sting operation to bust the nazi surfers but it turns out they're not the robbers, just drug smugglers. And Tom Sizemore is there as an undercover cop pretending to be a drug smuggling surf nazi. Hey, that makes TWO washed up actors that'll eventually lose their fucking minds later in life in this movie. Keanu, you gotta up the ante a bit.
Finally, Johnny realizes Brodhi and his gang are the robbers (after seeing the ass of one of the gang...don't ask) and he and Angelo stake out a bank they think is gonna get hit next. While Buesy eats meatball sandwiches, the bank is robbed and Johnny goes into action, chasing after the Ex-Presidents. Johnny totally blew his cover by calling himself an agent and Brodhi, who's Reagan, doesn't kill him.
There's a long chase scene that goes on forever all through L.A and through people's home's. Finally, they end up at the L.A river, which looked like shit back in 1991 so I can only imagine it now, and you know that clip they shown in "Hot Fuzz"? That scene totally happens here. I love "Hot Fuzz".
Anyway, cover is blown and Tyler finds out and gets pissed and leaves. Brodhi decides to get back at Johnny for being a cop by kidnapping Tyler and having her in a secret location that only he knows about. The next day, Brodhi makes Johnny go sky diving with them for no real reason. Then he reveals he has Tyler and the only way she'll live is if Johnny comes along and rob one more bank.
This bank robbery goes bad when one of the bank patrons is a cop and he starts shooting Ex-Presidents. Brodhi kills the cop and knocks out Johnny, leaving him there. For some reason, Johnny is arrested but Angelo steps in and saves him and Johnny reveals where Brodhi is going.
It's an airport. There, there's another shootout where Angelo is killed and Johnny is forced to go with Brodhi to get Tyler, which is in the Mexico desert. Brodhi lives to his word and lets Tyler go, while Brodhi and another dude drive off into the sunset.
Flashforward to, oh I dunno....a year later. For some reason, Johnny grew his hair out and now we're in Australia. Well, I do know why. Earlier, Brodhi talked about how every 50 years, there's a killer wave that hits the coast of Australia and he wants to ride it. Well, Johnny tracks Brodhi there and arrests him, but Brodhi begs to go surf one final time before going to jail. After thinking about it for 10 minutes, he lets him go and....Brodhi drowns. Well..bye!!
Despite the hype and cult status of this movie, it's not very good. It's not too bad either. There is one moment that hurt me a lot. Johnny is talking about following Brodhi to all the places he went and Keanu says "Then he stopped by PATRICK'S ROADHOUSE". Ugh, god. That was painful to even write. That's like saying "Hey let's get inside Keanu's Phonebooth" or something. Jeez. Have no you shame, "Point Break"?
-Jason
1. I'm the biggest asshole in the world for hating THE GREATEST VAMPIRE MOVIE EVER MADE.
2. "The Hurt Locker" is possibly the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE PERIOD!!
Since my last review, The Former Mrs. James Cameron has won Best Director and Best Picture for "The Hurt Locker". Consider I only seen two films by her, I'm starting to think if the Academy is like "Eh, we gave it to some black people a few years ago, let's give something to a chick now. BOOZE!" I'm not saying she's a bad director, but her films leave something to be desired.
That takes us to this entry, "Point Break", or as I knew it "That surf movie with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze". Apparently after seeing it, I wasn't too far off. It's a surf movie with Keanu, Swayze, AND Gary Busey. I learn something new every day.
Keanu plays the stupidly named Johnny Utah, and he is AN! F! B! I! AGENT! sent to the headquarters in L.A to handle robbery cases. Johnny is partned up with Angelo, played by the loveable Gary Buesy. Yes, he plays a good guy. He's the crazy good guy, but a good guy nonetheless.
Angelo has been trying to solve a string of robberies being done buy a group of robbers called The Ex-Presidents, because they all wear rubber President masks, like Nixon, Reagan, Jimmy Carter, and...LBJ? Is there a LBJ mask? Ok... Angelo suspects the robbers are surfers cause of something to do with dirt samples and wax samples, so he sends Johnny undercover to learn how to surf and yes, the F.B.I will pay him to surf.
After wiping out a few times, Johnny meets Tyler (Lori Petty in the girliest role I've ever seen her in) and as cliches go, she hates his guts at first but then grows to love the lovable wooden actor. Tyler introduces Johnny to Brodhi (Patrick Swayze), who is an adrinaline junkie. Not only does he surf, he likes to sky dive and...that's it.
So if I was back in 1991 watching this movie and I knew NOTHING about it, I would've said to myself "Jason, stop talking to yourself and watch the movie. Oh but The Ex-Presidents is Brodhi and his friends". But this movie wants to string us along for another hour before telling us that.
Johnny thinks the robbers is this gang of nazi surfers (Surf Nazi's Must Die, anyone?) and one of the gang surf nazis is played by, and I'm not shitting you, Anthony Kedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I guess Flea told him how easy acting is.
So Johnny and Angelo set up a sting operation to bust the nazi surfers but it turns out they're not the robbers, just drug smugglers. And Tom Sizemore is there as an undercover cop pretending to be a drug smuggling surf nazi. Hey, that makes TWO washed up actors that'll eventually lose their fucking minds later in life in this movie. Keanu, you gotta up the ante a bit.
Finally, Johnny realizes Brodhi and his gang are the robbers (after seeing the ass of one of the gang...don't ask) and he and Angelo stake out a bank they think is gonna get hit next. While Buesy eats meatball sandwiches, the bank is robbed and Johnny goes into action, chasing after the Ex-Presidents. Johnny totally blew his cover by calling himself an agent and Brodhi, who's Reagan, doesn't kill him.
There's a long chase scene that goes on forever all through L.A and through people's home's. Finally, they end up at the L.A river, which looked like shit back in 1991 so I can only imagine it now, and you know that clip they shown in "Hot Fuzz"? That scene totally happens here. I love "Hot Fuzz".
Anyway, cover is blown and Tyler finds out and gets pissed and leaves. Brodhi decides to get back at Johnny for being a cop by kidnapping Tyler and having her in a secret location that only he knows about. The next day, Brodhi makes Johnny go sky diving with them for no real reason. Then he reveals he has Tyler and the only way she'll live is if Johnny comes along and rob one more bank.
This bank robbery goes bad when one of the bank patrons is a cop and he starts shooting Ex-Presidents. Brodhi kills the cop and knocks out Johnny, leaving him there. For some reason, Johnny is arrested but Angelo steps in and saves him and Johnny reveals where Brodhi is going.
It's an airport. There, there's another shootout where Angelo is killed and Johnny is forced to go with Brodhi to get Tyler, which is in the Mexico desert. Brodhi lives to his word and lets Tyler go, while Brodhi and another dude drive off into the sunset.
Flashforward to, oh I dunno....a year later. For some reason, Johnny grew his hair out and now we're in Australia. Well, I do know why. Earlier, Brodhi talked about how every 50 years, there's a killer wave that hits the coast of Australia and he wants to ride it. Well, Johnny tracks Brodhi there and arrests him, but Brodhi begs to go surf one final time before going to jail. After thinking about it for 10 minutes, he lets him go and....Brodhi drowns. Well..bye!!
Despite the hype and cult status of this movie, it's not very good. It's not too bad either. There is one moment that hurt me a lot. Johnny is talking about following Brodhi to all the places he went and Keanu says "Then he stopped by PATRICK'S ROADHOUSE". Ugh, god. That was painful to even write. That's like saying "Hey let's get inside Keanu's Phonebooth" or something. Jeez. Have no you shame, "Point Break"?
-Jason
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Lair of the Unwanted #3: Small Wonders
Episode 3 is now posted for your listening pleasure! Click on that big ol' box off to the right or click this word here: sex couch or go to iTunes and download it for free! Yay free crap! Hope you enjoy it!
-Jason
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
The Razzie's '10: Winners
I usually relist all the nominee's and bold who won and italize who I picked but I'll make it easy this year and just list who won and if different who I picked. Here we go:
WORST SCREENPLAY:
WON: Transformers 2
My Pick: Twilight: New Moon
WORST DIRECTOR:
WON AND My Pick: Michael Bay
WOO HOO! I been validated! I been validated!
WORST SEQUEL, PREQUEL, REMAKE, OR RIP-OFF:
Won: Land of the Lost
My Pick: Transformers 2
I'm telling you, Land of the Lost isn't THAT bad.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Won AND My Pick: Billy Ray Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Won: Sienna Miller-G.I Joe
My Pick: Ali Larter-Obsessed
Eh, I didn't really care about this one either way.
WORST SCREEN COUPLE:
Won: Sandra Bullock and Bradly Cooper-All About Steve
My Pick: Shia LaBeouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer-Transformers 2
I figured if they're gonna pick on Transformers 2, they might as well pick them for every category.
WORST ACTOR(S):
Won: Jonas Brothers
My Pick: Eddie Murphy-Imagine That
As I said before, they were just being themselves so this win bothers me.
WORST ACTRESS:
Won: Sandra Bullock-All About Steve
My Pick: Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie
Really??? Ok...
WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Battlefield Earth
WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Eddie Murphy
WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Paris Hilton
What can I say? I'm fuckin' goooood!
And finally the big one...WORST PICTURE OF THE YEAR!:
Won AND My Pick: Transformers 2
I knew it. I FUCKIN' knew it. So this means I'll have to review "All About Steve" and "Transformers 2". I normally do it on Razzie weekend but due to the Razzies not being announced until last night and my lack of living near a video store, it'll have to wait till later this week. Anyway, thanks to everyone who voted on the Readers Choice and for reading this. This was a lackluster Razzie's, since I called a whopping 6 categories (I normally average around 2 or 3) with no big surprised, which means there'll be no big surprises tonight at the Oscars. Start paintin' them Gold Statues Blue!
-Jason
WORST SCREENPLAY:
WON: Transformers 2
My Pick: Twilight: New Moon
WORST DIRECTOR:
WON AND My Pick: Michael Bay
WOO HOO! I been validated! I been validated!
WORST SEQUEL, PREQUEL, REMAKE, OR RIP-OFF:
Won: Land of the Lost
My Pick: Transformers 2
I'm telling you, Land of the Lost isn't THAT bad.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Won AND My Pick: Billy Ray Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Won: Sienna Miller-G.I Joe
My Pick: Ali Larter-Obsessed
Eh, I didn't really care about this one either way.
WORST SCREEN COUPLE:
Won: Sandra Bullock and Bradly Cooper-All About Steve
My Pick: Shia LaBeouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer-Transformers 2
I figured if they're gonna pick on Transformers 2, they might as well pick them for every category.
WORST ACTOR(S):
Won: Jonas Brothers
My Pick: Eddie Murphy-Imagine That
As I said before, they were just being themselves so this win bothers me.
WORST ACTRESS:
Won: Sandra Bullock-All About Steve
My Pick: Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana: The Movie
Really??? Ok...
WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Battlefield Earth
WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Eddie Murphy
WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE:
Won AND My Pick: Paris Hilton
What can I say? I'm fuckin' goooood!
And finally the big one...WORST PICTURE OF THE YEAR!:
Won AND My Pick: Transformers 2
I knew it. I FUCKIN' knew it. So this means I'll have to review "All About Steve" and "Transformers 2". I normally do it on Razzie weekend but due to the Razzies not being announced until last night and my lack of living near a video store, it'll have to wait till later this week. Anyway, thanks to everyone who voted on the Readers Choice and for reading this. This was a lackluster Razzie's, since I called a whopping 6 categories (I normally average around 2 or 3) with no big surprised, which means there'll be no big surprises tonight at the Oscars. Start paintin' them Gold Statues Blue!
-Jason
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Undefeatable
This is less of a review and more of a recommendation. You all NEED to see this movie. I can't stress this enough. I'll go so far as to tell you the plot but that's all.
It focuses on street fighter Kristi, played by Cynthia Rothrock, who's fighting to put her sister through college. We also focus on professional psychopath Paul aka Stingray, who's married to a chick named Anna. Stingray loves to come home, rape his wife, and think about sweaty dudes while doing it. Anna has had enough, so she leaves him and this REALLY sets him off. Stingray combs the streets finding girls that look REMOTELY like Anna and does more brutal stuff to them.
One of the girls Stingray does this too is Karen, Kristi's sister. Kristi is pissed and is on a personal manhunt to find Stingray and get revenge. Oh and this is what Stingray looks like:
All the pictures I grabbed from the movie were of him cause, look at him. He's so glorious. And that mulllet. My GOD that mullet. He is the best villian in the world.
If you still need some convincing, here's some videos:
And if you don't care about spoilers here's the final fight. Aw hell, watch it anyway.
That's all I'm saying about this movie. And you know what else I say about it? And I'm not shitting you:
-Jason
It focuses on street fighter Kristi, played by Cynthia Rothrock, who's fighting to put her sister through college. We also focus on professional psychopath Paul aka Stingray, who's married to a chick named Anna. Stingray loves to come home, rape his wife, and think about sweaty dudes while doing it. Anna has had enough, so she leaves him and this REALLY sets him off. Stingray combs the streets finding girls that look REMOTELY like Anna and does more brutal stuff to them.
One of the girls Stingray does this too is Karen, Kristi's sister. Kristi is pissed and is on a personal manhunt to find Stingray and get revenge. Oh and this is what Stingray looks like:
All the pictures I grabbed from the movie were of him cause, look at him. He's so glorious. And that mulllet. My GOD that mullet. He is the best villian in the world.
If you still need some convincing, here's some videos:
And if you don't care about spoilers here's the final fight. Aw hell, watch it anyway.
That's all I'm saying about this movie. And you know what else I say about it? And I'm not shitting you:
-Jason
Friday, March 05, 2010
Razzie Weekend '10: Reader's Choice
Really? "All About Steve"? I guess...ohh I see what you did there. You just want to see me write about said movie, huh? Ok. I accept said challenge.
And for the record, I didn't think "Land of the Lost" was all that bad. It's a fun movie based on a somewhat fun show that had a budget of $12 dollars. So hate on that movie not understood.
As for the actual Razzie Award for Worst Picture, that won't be revealed until tomorrow morning. I have a STRONG feeling it's gonna be Transformers 2 but I guess we'll just have to wait to see.
(What's with all my posts ending with that? I hate waiting and seeing! Grr!)
-Jason
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #13 Winner
Should come to no surprise to everyone that Travis is the winner. Congratulations, Travis. I'm not entirely sure what to do next week. Guess we'll see if anyone sends in a thing for the cage match. We shall see.
-Jason
Thursday, March 04, 2010
LAMB's In The Director's Chair: Near Dark
There's been one feature on the LAMB that I haven't participated in yet cause it normally focuses on GOOD movies and GOOD directors. I fought hard to get Ed Wood his due and thankfully, my fight wasn't for nothing cause he'll be coming up later. But for now, let me explain a bit about this feature.
Every other month, the dude that runs this (forget your name, sorry dude) picks a director and anyone who's a LAMB writes something either about the director or their films. The past directors have been about Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood, and Danny Boyle, all who made at least more good movies than bad. This time around, they focused on Kathyrn Bigelow, who directed a wide array of random crap.
Before getting to today's movie, here's all I know about Kathryn Bigelow:
-She used to fuck James Cameron until he left her for Linda Hamilton. In a stunningly uncomfortable moment in history, both she and Cameron are up for Best Director and their movies are both up for Best Picture. Battle of the Exes indeed.
-She directed a few movies, two of which I'll be taking a look at, starting with "Near Dark".
-She named her son Deuce for some reason.
With that said, let's take a look at "Near Dark". If you were to look at the DVD cover for this movie, you'd say to yourself "Holy fuck, they made a 'Twilight' rip-off!" I mean look at this:
Weird this is, that cover is completely misleading. Nathan from "Heroes" doesn't look anything like that in the movie. Whatever.
Movie starts with Nathan from "Heroes" playing Caleb, a Urban Cowboy if you will. He's out on the prowl one night when he meets a rather plain looking chick named Mae. Caleb instantly falls for Mae and they go driving around Hickville, USA. Soon, Mae starts acting weird, demanding to be home before the sun comes up. Caleb acts like a douchebag and does the thing all douchebags do when they're desperate for some: take the keys out of the ignition and drop them down his pants and says "you gotta find them first". Mae's response to this is to bite the shit out of his neck and run for cover. Caleb finds this cute and is about to go home when his truck stalls. That's what you get, douche.
Unlike other vampire films where there's a 24-48 hours incubation period, Caleb's transformation is instantious when he starts burning in the sunlight and doesn't feel too good. As he's about to go home and get yelled at by his dad, dude who plays Jack Deth in the "Trancer" movies (Series coming soon to this site/blog), a RV comes out of nowhere and scoops Caleb up.
Inside it is dark and HOLY SHIT IT'S BILL PAXTON! AND LANCE HENDRIKSON! What, did Kathryn ask James for his roll-a-dex? Can't wait for the William Hurt cameo. Anyway, Bill Paxton, at least 80's Bill Paxton, plays his usual annoying ass self, chewing major scenery here asking if he can kill Caleb. Mae says he can't cause he's been "turned". Everyone goes "Aw shit!"
Here's the thing about this movie. The word "vampire" is never said in this movie. They say "turned" or "changed" but never "oh I'm a vampire". I dunno if they were going for an artistic thing or what. "I DARE not utter the V-Word! Give me my Oscar!" Whatever, lady, they're fuckin' vampires.
Anyway.
Lance Hendrikson is the leader (of course) named Jesse. In a way, this gang is like a family. Jesse is the dad, he's hooked up with Diamondback, who looks like a truck stop hooker; Bill Paxton is the older son and there's a young boy named Homer. Homer is the second or third most annoying character in this movie. He's your typical kid who has to make up for being a kid by acting way older than everyone else. When he introduces himself to Caleb he goes "My name is Homer. If you mispronounce it, I wouldn't want to be you." How the fuck else are you going to say "Homer"? Hoom-er? Hammer? Huu-mar? Shut up kid.
Anyway. (Again)
They're forced to take Caleb on the road trip from hell and much of the movie is Caleb trying to fit in while Daddy Jack Deth and Sarah, Caleb's little sister, look for him.
The Gang try to get Caleb to kill someone so he can feed on their blood. There's a long drawn out scene where Caleb and Mae are picked up by a truck driver and he teaches Caleb how to drive a truck, while Caleb tries to figure out how to drink his blood. Caleb is like "Fuck that" and settles on Mae's blood, who isn't too happy with that. There's a brief scene where Caleb wants to go home and he gets to a bus station and buys a bus ticket to go home, but his impending urge for blood makes him get off the bus.
In other words, Nathan from "Heroes" spends 80% of this movie hunched over, holding his stomach.
Jesse is sick of Caleb and Bill Paxton wants to chew some more scenery by killing him, but Jesse gives him one last chance. As you can tell, I wasn't liking this movie. Then this scene at the bar happened and I thought "hey finally, something's happening and it's kinda good."
So the Non-Vampires-Who-Are-Totally-Vampires arrive at some hole in the wall bar with maybe 3 customers and one by one, the family kills each person. Jesse stabs the waitress, pretty much in front of the bartender who doesn't do anything about what's happening here and he, Diamondback, and Homer drink on her blood. Bill Paxton proves he's the best at overacting by munching on some homebre. They send Caleb to kill the bartender but he blasts him with a shotgun. But since they're "changed" he doesn't die. Bill Paxton takes over and slits the bartender's throat with a spur.
This leaves one guy, who looks all of 20. Mae messes around with him for a bit before Caleb gets a bit jealous and tries to munch on him. While this is happening, they light the bar on fire. Caleb pusses out on the drinking of the 20-year-old's blood and lets him leave. Somehow Jesse saw this (I guess Vampires are psychic too?) and is pissed...but they let him live for another day.
The next day, the police are knocking on their hotel room door, but it's daylight outside. Caleb says he'll sacrifice himself to go get the van outside and drive it into the hotel so they can get in without getting (too) burnt. He does this and redeems himself with the family and they all treat him nicely again.
Mae and Caleb go to make out some more and Homer, cause he's a tough kid you know, goes outside for a smoke. Now it's said that these people don't age after they get bitten, so this whole Homer character is disturbing really. It's revealed later that Homer "turned" Mae, which means a 10-year-old kid was pretending to make out with, I guess, a 18-21 year old woman. And lord knows how long Homer was 10-years-old. So in a way, he's like Edward in THAT OTHER VAMPIRE movie and is like 200 years old.
I bring all this up for a reason, mainly the next scene, and the rest of the movie really. Homer spots a little girl buying a Coke and if you been paying attention you probably already know who this girl is. Yep, it's Sarah, Caleb's sister. Imagine that.
Homer FALLS IN LOVE with her and takes her back to the hotel room to watch TV. And in this movie it's either "Daytime, where it's always bright as hell outside" or "JUST about to be Sunrise". Well, here it's "just about to be sunrise" so nothing's on TV. Homer starts acting creepy when Caleb returns and is reunited with Sarah. Bill Paxton found Daddy Jack Deth and it's a happy family reunion. Upon seeing his family, Caleb realizes he wants to go back.
Jesse isn't too happy with that and a shootout occurs, with Jesse spitting up the bullets. Caleb and his family manage to get out of there and into Daddy Jack Deth's truck. Caleb reveals what he is (not a vampire) and Daddy Jack Deth says he knows how to fix that.
Wait, Jack Deth, who is a vet in this movie, KNOWS how to cure vampirism? Ok, I'm game. How?
(Editors note: Jason's about to get really angry)
A MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD TRANSFUSION??!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? WHAT THE FUCK DRUGS ARE YOU ON, LADY???? A FUCKING BLOOD TRANSFUSION!!!! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SMASH SMASH SMASH!!!!
Yes, this fucking works and Caleb is no longer a vampire or whatever the fuck these people are called in this fucking dumb ass movie. Ugh god. So Caleb is back with his family but since the movie didn't stop, you know something's about to happen, like the gang is gonna show up.
Of course they make us wait for it and it first happens with Mae showing up by herself. She's upset Caleb is "human" and leaves. Then Caleb finds that Sarah is gone. Gee, really? I'm surprised. I'm assuming it's Bill Paxton that slashed all the tires, so Caleb goes and gets his prized horse and rides into town and now it's a fuckin' western.
Bill Paxton shows up, which spooks the horse, and they fight for a minute before a semi shows up. Hey, remember that scene earlier where a truck driver was teaching Caleb how to drive? I wonder if that'll come into play! Well, Bill Paxton kills the driver with his overacting, leaving Caleb to get into the cab and run Bill Paxton over. But this doesn't stop him, so the only way to do it is to make the semi jack knife.
Oh hey, you guys reading this, did you know? That if a truck ends up doing a jack knife, IT FUCKING EXPLODES FOR NO REASON??????? ARRRGH!!! I hope James Cameron wins BOTH Oscars, lady.
Well, this stops Bill Paxton but now he has to go up against everyone else. And guess what time of day this happens? Right at dawn. Don't these people get up at least by 10 PM? Jeez. We see Homer in the back of Jesse's car, trying to make out with Sarah. Eww, movie. Ew. Thankfully, Sarah's a fighter and manages to get away. Caleb grabs her and they start running until Caleb trips and they both fall. Sarah starts running on her own...and manages to get caught again. Fuck.
Mae, however, has a change of heart and jumps out of the car with Sarah, getting pretty burnt. Caleb shows up with a dark blanket to save Mae. Homer runs out of the car and while chasing after Sarah, just blows up. Hm, maybe vampires blow up. COULD explain the semi. Nah, that was still a fuckin' stupid scene.
Jesse and Diamondback start going after Caleb, Mae, and Sarah but they too go "fuck it" and blow up. I love when a movie just shrugs its shoulders and says "whatever". Well, since Daddy Jack Deth knows the secret of curing vampires, he cures Mae and they live happily ever after. Excuse me.
BLLLLARRRRGHH!!!
This movie has a cult following and I don't know why. It's not fun to watch like some cult films (Rocky Horror, Evil Dead, Basket Case) and it's definately not any good. It's like no thought was put into this, and I think I know why. This movie came out in Fall of 1987, a bit after "The Lost Boys" came out. So I think whoever came up with this movie was just cashing in on Keifer and the Coreys. All it took was whip up their own vampire movie, give James Cameron a blow job to get Paxton and Hendrikson's phone numbers, and viola! Shitty movie! See you in hell, "Near Dark".
-Jason
Every other month, the dude that runs this (forget your name, sorry dude) picks a director and anyone who's a LAMB writes something either about the director or their films. The past directors have been about Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood, and Danny Boyle, all who made at least more good movies than bad. This time around, they focused on Kathyrn Bigelow, who directed a wide array of random crap.
Before getting to today's movie, here's all I know about Kathryn Bigelow:
-She used to fuck James Cameron until he left her for Linda Hamilton. In a stunningly uncomfortable moment in history, both she and Cameron are up for Best Director and their movies are both up for Best Picture. Battle of the Exes indeed.
-She directed a few movies, two of which I'll be taking a look at, starting with "Near Dark".
-She named her son Deuce for some reason.
With that said, let's take a look at "Near Dark". If you were to look at the DVD cover for this movie, you'd say to yourself "Holy fuck, they made a 'Twilight' rip-off!" I mean look at this:
Weird this is, that cover is completely misleading. Nathan from "Heroes" doesn't look anything like that in the movie. Whatever.
Movie starts with Nathan from "Heroes" playing Caleb, a Urban Cowboy if you will. He's out on the prowl one night when he meets a rather plain looking chick named Mae. Caleb instantly falls for Mae and they go driving around Hickville, USA. Soon, Mae starts acting weird, demanding to be home before the sun comes up. Caleb acts like a douchebag and does the thing all douchebags do when they're desperate for some: take the keys out of the ignition and drop them down his pants and says "you gotta find them first". Mae's response to this is to bite the shit out of his neck and run for cover. Caleb finds this cute and is about to go home when his truck stalls. That's what you get, douche.
Unlike other vampire films where there's a 24-48 hours incubation period, Caleb's transformation is instantious when he starts burning in the sunlight and doesn't feel too good. As he's about to go home and get yelled at by his dad, dude who plays Jack Deth in the "Trancer" movies (Series coming soon to this site/blog), a RV comes out of nowhere and scoops Caleb up.
Inside it is dark and HOLY SHIT IT'S BILL PAXTON! AND LANCE HENDRIKSON! What, did Kathryn ask James for his roll-a-dex? Can't wait for the William Hurt cameo. Anyway, Bill Paxton, at least 80's Bill Paxton, plays his usual annoying ass self, chewing major scenery here asking if he can kill Caleb. Mae says he can't cause he's been "turned". Everyone goes "Aw shit!"
Here's the thing about this movie. The word "vampire" is never said in this movie. They say "turned" or "changed" but never "oh I'm a vampire". I dunno if they were going for an artistic thing or what. "I DARE not utter the V-Word! Give me my Oscar!" Whatever, lady, they're fuckin' vampires.
Anyway.
Lance Hendrikson is the leader (of course) named Jesse. In a way, this gang is like a family. Jesse is the dad, he's hooked up with Diamondback, who looks like a truck stop hooker; Bill Paxton is the older son and there's a young boy named Homer. Homer is the second or third most annoying character in this movie. He's your typical kid who has to make up for being a kid by acting way older than everyone else. When he introduces himself to Caleb he goes "My name is Homer. If you mispronounce it, I wouldn't want to be you." How the fuck else are you going to say "Homer"? Hoom-er? Hammer? Huu-mar? Shut up kid.
Anyway. (Again)
They're forced to take Caleb on the road trip from hell and much of the movie is Caleb trying to fit in while Daddy Jack Deth and Sarah, Caleb's little sister, look for him.
The Gang try to get Caleb to kill someone so he can feed on their blood. There's a long drawn out scene where Caleb and Mae are picked up by a truck driver and he teaches Caleb how to drive a truck, while Caleb tries to figure out how to drink his blood. Caleb is like "Fuck that" and settles on Mae's blood, who isn't too happy with that. There's a brief scene where Caleb wants to go home and he gets to a bus station and buys a bus ticket to go home, but his impending urge for blood makes him get off the bus.
In other words, Nathan from "Heroes" spends 80% of this movie hunched over, holding his stomach.
Jesse is sick of Caleb and Bill Paxton wants to chew some more scenery by killing him, but Jesse gives him one last chance. As you can tell, I wasn't liking this movie. Then this scene at the bar happened and I thought "hey finally, something's happening and it's kinda good."
So the Non-Vampires-Who-Are-Totally-Vampires arrive at some hole in the wall bar with maybe 3 customers and one by one, the family kills each person. Jesse stabs the waitress, pretty much in front of the bartender who doesn't do anything about what's happening here and he, Diamondback, and Homer drink on her blood. Bill Paxton proves he's the best at overacting by munching on some homebre. They send Caleb to kill the bartender but he blasts him with a shotgun. But since they're "changed" he doesn't die. Bill Paxton takes over and slits the bartender's throat with a spur.
This leaves one guy, who looks all of 20. Mae messes around with him for a bit before Caleb gets a bit jealous and tries to munch on him. While this is happening, they light the bar on fire. Caleb pusses out on the drinking of the 20-year-old's blood and lets him leave. Somehow Jesse saw this (I guess Vampires are psychic too?) and is pissed...but they let him live for another day.
The next day, the police are knocking on their hotel room door, but it's daylight outside. Caleb says he'll sacrifice himself to go get the van outside and drive it into the hotel so they can get in without getting (too) burnt. He does this and redeems himself with the family and they all treat him nicely again.
Mae and Caleb go to make out some more and Homer, cause he's a tough kid you know, goes outside for a smoke. Now it's said that these people don't age after they get bitten, so this whole Homer character is disturbing really. It's revealed later that Homer "turned" Mae, which means a 10-year-old kid was pretending to make out with, I guess, a 18-21 year old woman. And lord knows how long Homer was 10-years-old. So in a way, he's like Edward in THAT OTHER VAMPIRE movie and is like 200 years old.
I bring all this up for a reason, mainly the next scene, and the rest of the movie really. Homer spots a little girl buying a Coke and if you been paying attention you probably already know who this girl is. Yep, it's Sarah, Caleb's sister. Imagine that.
Homer FALLS IN LOVE with her and takes her back to the hotel room to watch TV. And in this movie it's either "Daytime, where it's always bright as hell outside" or "JUST about to be Sunrise". Well, here it's "just about to be sunrise" so nothing's on TV. Homer starts acting creepy when Caleb returns and is reunited with Sarah. Bill Paxton found Daddy Jack Deth and it's a happy family reunion. Upon seeing his family, Caleb realizes he wants to go back.
Jesse isn't too happy with that and a shootout occurs, with Jesse spitting up the bullets. Caleb and his family manage to get out of there and into Daddy Jack Deth's truck. Caleb reveals what he is (not a vampire) and Daddy Jack Deth says he knows how to fix that.
Wait, Jack Deth, who is a vet in this movie, KNOWS how to cure vampirism? Ok, I'm game. How?
(Editors note: Jason's about to get really angry)
A MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD TRANSFUSION??!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? WHAT THE FUCK DRUGS ARE YOU ON, LADY???? A FUCKING BLOOD TRANSFUSION!!!! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SMASH SMASH SMASH!!!!
Yes, this fucking works and Caleb is no longer a vampire or whatever the fuck these people are called in this fucking dumb ass movie. Ugh god. So Caleb is back with his family but since the movie didn't stop, you know something's about to happen, like the gang is gonna show up.
Of course they make us wait for it and it first happens with Mae showing up by herself. She's upset Caleb is "human" and leaves. Then Caleb finds that Sarah is gone. Gee, really? I'm surprised. I'm assuming it's Bill Paxton that slashed all the tires, so Caleb goes and gets his prized horse and rides into town and now it's a fuckin' western.
Bill Paxton shows up, which spooks the horse, and they fight for a minute before a semi shows up. Hey, remember that scene earlier where a truck driver was teaching Caleb how to drive? I wonder if that'll come into play! Well, Bill Paxton kills the driver with his overacting, leaving Caleb to get into the cab and run Bill Paxton over. But this doesn't stop him, so the only way to do it is to make the semi jack knife.
Oh hey, you guys reading this, did you know? That if a truck ends up doing a jack knife, IT FUCKING EXPLODES FOR NO REASON??????? ARRRGH!!! I hope James Cameron wins BOTH Oscars, lady.
Well, this stops Bill Paxton but now he has to go up against everyone else. And guess what time of day this happens? Right at dawn. Don't these people get up at least by 10 PM? Jeez. We see Homer in the back of Jesse's car, trying to make out with Sarah. Eww, movie. Ew. Thankfully, Sarah's a fighter and manages to get away. Caleb grabs her and they start running until Caleb trips and they both fall. Sarah starts running on her own...and manages to get caught again. Fuck.
Mae, however, has a change of heart and jumps out of the car with Sarah, getting pretty burnt. Caleb shows up with a dark blanket to save Mae. Homer runs out of the car and while chasing after Sarah, just blows up. Hm, maybe vampires blow up. COULD explain the semi. Nah, that was still a fuckin' stupid scene.
Jesse and Diamondback start going after Caleb, Mae, and Sarah but they too go "fuck it" and blow up. I love when a movie just shrugs its shoulders and says "whatever". Well, since Daddy Jack Deth knows the secret of curing vampires, he cures Mae and they live happily ever after. Excuse me.
BLLLLARRRRGHH!!!
This movie has a cult following and I don't know why. It's not fun to watch like some cult films (Rocky Horror, Evil Dead, Basket Case) and it's definately not any good. It's like no thought was put into this, and I think I know why. This movie came out in Fall of 1987, a bit after "The Lost Boys" came out. So I think whoever came up with this movie was just cashing in on Keifer and the Coreys. All it took was whip up their own vampire movie, give James Cameron a blow job to get Paxton and Hendrikson's phone numbers, and viola! Shitty movie! See you in hell, "Near Dark".
-Jason
Monday, March 01, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #13
This is a special version of The Cage Match. This here is...The All-Stars Edition! That's right! Last week's winner Travis and "Nudist Colony of the Dead" is going to go against Fletch and "The Happening". Oh snap, it's about to get ugly up in here!
To remind you of each film, I'll repost each contender and the reason why their pick is awful. Up first, Fletch with "The Happening":
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.
Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!
Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Now THIS should be good. Vote! Do stuff! Yep!
-Jason
To remind you of each film, I'll repost each contender and the reason why their pick is awful. Up first, Fletch with "The Happening":
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.
Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!
Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Now THIS should be good. Vote! Do stuff! Yep!
-Jason
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