Thursday, January 20, 2011

B-Movie Meatloaf: One Missed Called (2004)

It's Meatloaf time and this time someone thought it'd be a good idea to do Japanese Horror. Here's the thing: I don't know that many b-movie japanese horror films. I could've submitted "Bio Zombie" and be done with it, but I like to open myself up to new movies that I haven't seen. So I was gonna go with the super crazy Japanese horror movie "House", which I been dying to see.

Then Nolahn, my podcasting partner, got to it first. Well fuck.

So desperately grasping at straws, I started looking into the all those movies that ended up getting American remakes and after flipping several coins and pulling names out of hats, I came to "One Missed Call". Oooh, a kill cellphone movie! Sounds bad.

Well, it's more than that. And it's confusing as fuck.

A group of people are meeting for dinner and while in the bathroom, two girls, Yoko and Yumi, are gabbing away about shit when Yoko's phone ring but in a weird ringtone she's not familar with. When it went to voicemail, she finds the call came from two days in the future and the message Yoko saying something about rain and then screaming. Maybe it was raining...DEATH!!!

They kinda shrug it off and they move on with their lives. Two days later, Yumi calls Yoko, when Yoko repeats the thing about rain, then she's suddenly thrown over a bridge onto an oncoming train. Classy.

Yumi's freaking out, so she goes to talk to Kenji, who also got a similar message. But his message was from...5 minutes from now! OH FUCK!! He ends up saying the thing he heard himself say (...I think that made sense) and ends up falling down an elevator shaft.

There's a subplot about Yumi coming from an abusive home and how she's afraid of peepholes. I think this factors into the ending but honestly, I don't know. I just thought I should mention it.

Next up is Natsumi, who gets the call of death but this time, DEATH TEXTS!! Well, it's actually a video of something happening behind Natsumi. It's not very clear. In fact, anytime it wasn't daytime outside, it was hard to see anything. Hey, Japan! BUY A LIGHT!


Natsumi and Yumi freak out so badly they cancel their cell phone services and recycle their phones. Somehow a local TV show hears about Natsumi's phone call and want to exploit her. The Host says there's an exorcist that can help her and Natsumi, even though she's not possessed, says sure and is carted away by a strange TV show host.

Yumi then meets Yamashita (Christ, these names are getting longer) who's sister died after a mysterious cell phone message some months ago and now he's trying to get to the bottom of this. Here's where things get confusing and I sorta lose interest.

Not only was the DVD skipping every 2 minutes but Yamashita was acting like he was a cop when he wasn't. People were just letting him talk to abused kids in foster homes and rummage through missing people houses. They try to stop this stupid exorcism thing on TV but it's too late. In this movie's first cool scene, Natsumi's body parts are twisted around so violently she loses her head, while her body keeps walking for a moment. Um, more of this, please!

Well, we gotta wait awhile. There's more story that I wasn't following. So there's some chick named Marie who had two daughters. I THINK Marie was making her kids get Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy. Now here's my question: why are we so concerned with her?

I have no fucking idea. This Marie chick went missing and the youngest daughter is in a foster home. There's an older girl who's also missing but no one seemed concerned with her. Yumi eventually gets the call of death and now it's personal!

They figure out that Marie use to work in some hospital so Yumi goes to check it out and here the movie had my interest for a bit cause the sprit was following her in super creepy fashion. It would even start putting jars outside of doors. Man, who does she think she is, going around leaving scars? Collecting her jar of hearts?

She's gonna catch a cold...if she wasn't already dead.

If you're still around after that reference, let's wrap this up.

Yamashita discovers Marie's body in the hospital, which saves Yumi from not getting killed. Marie's body comes to life and Yumi calls it Mom and begs for forgiveness. Um.....what? I looked into this and Marie is never mentioned anywhere as being Yumi's mom, so...WHAT THE FUCK???

The cops show up and everyone thinks it's over. But then they find a tape that shows the missing daughter was the abusive one and she would hurt the younger kid. Marie freaked out and left. So........questions!

1. How did Marie die and end up in the hospital?
2. The missing daughter is never shown dying so how did she die?
3. The cops said next to Marie's body was a cell phone with all the phone numbers of all the previous victims, including Yumi. WHY? HOW? How do they know each other?

None of this is making sense. Well, hang on.

Yumi is back at home when the missing daughter shows up and tries to, or does, kill Yumi. Yamashita realizes this and shows up at Yumi's. The missing daughter is disguised like Yumi and she stabs him. He wakes up in the hospital where Yumi is and she starts laughing. And...the end.


This was directed by Takashi Miike, who CAN make some interesting and fucked up movies (Ichi the Killer, Visitor Q). But this, along with "Audition", is just boring and kinda stupid. I'm sorry, but it's true. This one, at least, had some good effects and some creepy moments but the story was confusing as fuck. It doesn't need to be so complicated. Tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

I filled my chick rock quota for the day. Later.


Jason Made A Video #14

I audition for a movie and then give a popular character his own segment.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Check Your Local Listings!

God, it feels like it's been fucking forever since I wrote anything. Yeah, I'm on a "vacation" but that turned into a "sick leave" but whatever. If you been dying to read some stuff from me, you have the following to look forward to:

1. NEW TWITTER EVENT!! I didn't get any feedback on the first one I had when I covered "Frankenhooker" but that's not gonna stop me from doing it again!! Yes, I'm that kid who after falling off the building while doing a cool stunt and survives, gets back up and tries the stunt again. Probably because I'm part Polish. Anyway. Coming to @invasionbmovies on January 26th at 9PM E.S.T is my live Tweeting of "Bachelor Party In The Bungalow of the Damned"! If that's a movie that doesn't beg me to review it, I don't know what does. So yeah, if you're on Twitter, hit me up and on that night you'll see me make comments about this movie like "Oh crap!" and "She's hot!" and "NOOOO!!!!" This movie sounds worse (or better?) than "Frankenhooker" so it should be an interesting ride.

2. Regular reviews will resume on January 28th when I update my review of "Urban Legend: Final Cut" aka "Urban Legend 2". And if you don't listen to "The Lair of the Unwanted" I don't wanna hear about it cause it'll upset me. And that means you missed me announcing that I'm changing my reviewing schedule from every Friday to every OTHER Friday cause doing that with this crappy ass job I have is just not working out. So this will make things a lot easier on me and you....and you and matter how they toss the dice....oh sorry.



Sorry, when I get that song in my head I have to sing it.

Anyway finally I was in this:


Sunday, January 16, 2011


As anyone that pays ANY attention to me (and if you don't, I don't blame you), you know I'm a fan of Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl. So imagine my surprise when I found out she MADE A HORROR MOVIE! I was like "SUH-WEEET!!!" Cause if there's one horror fans think they know is how to make a horror movie. And Ms. Ponder...fuckin' knows how to make a horror movie.

If you want to read the production journal on the making of the movie, and all the craziness that went down during filming, check this post out and read all the parts. Any wannabe film makers out there will just shudder and think twice before picking up that camera. And you can also order the movie through that link, which is something I highly recommend doing.

So "Ludlow". It's about a chick named Krista (Shannon Lark) who's in an abusive relationship so she flees to some dirtbag hotel in the desert, in the town of Ludlow. Once in the hotel, Krista starts drinking nothing but vodka and eating nothing but perscription pills. She gets a call from her sister Maddy (Elissa Dowling) and tells her where she's at, leaving them two the only people that know where Krista is at.

While Krista gets drunk, she keeps getting calls from her boyfriend Steve (Ned Christenson) whom she ignores. Once the couple next store starts fucking and Krista gets "the urge" (I should write textbooks for young girls), things start getting fucking crazy.

She finds her hand covered in blood and she freaks out and washes it when she notices the blood on the bed has dissappeared. Confused, she drinks and pops more pills. Soon, reality gets really distorted and we're left to wonder what the fuck is going on, but in a good way.

The rest of the movie is hard to describe cause it's mainly Krista going around, not sure what's happening. And she isn't sure if the shit she's seeing is real or part of mixing booze and pills. She swears Steve is around, fucking with her, along with beating the shit out of her. Elissa arrives at the hotel...or does she?

The final few minutes of the movie will make your head swirl and you immedately start feeling like Krista. Much isn't explained, which normally bugs me but here I liked it. I liked the uncertainy of all the events we saw. We kind of get a hint during the final shot but even that raises a bunch of questions.

And her phone is as much of a character as anyone else. It rings every two minutes in the movie and you know it's either Steve looking for her or Maddy wondering what's going on. When everything goes off the rails, even the phone acts confused and befuddled and we're left wondering if anyone is really on the other end. Or if maybe she's calling some poor confused guy in China.

Overall, this movie is great. It'll keep you wondering and guessing at every turn. It was beautifully shot and having Miss Lark as a friend must be awesome cause she's pretty easy on the eyes. Everybody did a great job in their performace. Including the cell phone.


Friday, January 14, 2011

The Lair of the Unwanted #13: Happy Birthday!

Happy One-Year-Anniversary/Birthday, Lair Dwellers!

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn quickly discuss some going on's with their sites. Then they go through the massive amount of Feedback. After Feedback, they come clean and discuss their favorite Lair moment.

Then it's List-mania! First is the Top Three Worst Movies Covered on The Lair. Then Top 5 Worst Movies Reviewed in 2010. Finally, a Speed Round of little Lair nuggets.

Finally, our main event, the review of "Happy Birthday to Me", which is very long and extensive.

Don't forget to email us at or Like us on Facebook at

PS: This is our longest episode to date.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Jason Made A Video #13

In this video, I filmed everything in one take, and there are no edits whatsoever. It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be.

(That's what she said.)

Friday, January 07, 2011

What I'm Doing On My Vacation

Hey guys! In case you forgot, I'm taking some time off from The Site to catch up on some movies and TV shows. The Lair is still gonna be happening, next week! And I should be appearing on some episodes of The LAMBcast (apparently they need a guy who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about over there) this month. But I do miss writing and connecting with my audience so I thought I'd tell you what I been up to! Yay!

-I've made a New Years resolution to respond to every comment I get on The Blog. I been really horrible about that and to everyone I apologize. Sometimes it's just easier to go on Facebook, see the person in FB Chat and respond that way. But I won't be doing that no more! So leave those comments! I shall respond!!

-I've been catching up on some TV shows I been wanting to check out. I just finished Season 2 of The Venture Brothers and holy fuck is it awesome! It's better than Season 1 I think. Easily the funniest animated show I've seen in awhile. I'm officially mad at society for not telling me about it sooner.

-I also caught Season 1 of "Spaced", a 1999 BBC show starring Simon Pegg and directed by Edgar Wright. If you like "Shaun of the Dead" or "Hot Fuzz", check this show out. It's friggin hilarious! And there's a shit-ton of movie references in almost every episode. It's great. I still need to see Season 2 (sadly the last, BBC doesn't keep shows on too long...unless it's Doctor Who.) so I look forward to that.

-A bunch of LAMBs that ARE NOT me got nominated for this award thing at Total Film. Almost all of them are friends of mine so I can't even decide who to vote for. But you, on the other hand, might not have that problem. So go over there and be like "I choose you [Blog Name]!" and make somebody named NOT JASON SOTO happy.
(Seriously, didn't that blow job count for ANYTHING?)

-Maybe I'm just getting old but doesn't seem like pop music sucks lately? Anytime I'm in the car, I turn the radio station on and there's nothing but fucking crap on. Well, it might just be the radio stations here in Central Indiana. When I lived Outside of Chicago, I didn't have that problem. There's only one modern rock station here and they seem to only play Nickleback and some band called Shinedown and that's pretty much it. Jesus, Central Indiana, broaden your horizons already. Well anyway, I've been forced to listen to Indie Rock and found a lot of stuff I like, including MGMT and Black Keys. Well, Black Keys are gonna be on SNL so I dunno how Indie they'll be. God, I'm a scarf and old fashioned bike away from being a hipster. I should just get it over with and buy some PBR. Kill me now.

Anyway, I LOVE this MGMT song:

That's all. Stay awesome, be excellent to each other, and party on Wayne!

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Jason Made A Video #12

So to quickly discuss the most obvious edit, the "It's Always Sunny" part was about 4 minutes long, but the video was kinda long at that point, so I cut out the part where I talked about my favorite episodes from each season. Just watch every episode, it's great.


Sunday, January 02, 2011

The Soto List Special: My 2010 Wrap Up Thingy!

It seems like every single blog I read is doing some sort of 2010 wrap up post. Me being the unoriginal follower that I am, felt compelled to do one.

"But Jason," you are saying right now, "they are talking about the GOOD movies people watch in theaters. You watch a bunch of crap nobody ever heard of that came out 10 million years ago. And nobody loves you!"

Wow, you're a pretty hateful person, aren't you? Well anyway...

What makes this post different is I'm gonna be all over the place. I'm gonna talk about my Top Five Favorite Movies I Seen in Theaters, Top Five Favorite Movies I Discovered This Year, and my Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed This Year. Good? Good!

Top Five Favorite Movies I Seen In Theaters
5. Hot Tub Time Machine-Seriously, this movie is severely underrated. Although I get the feeling it's going to be one of those cult classics some years from now. Plus maybe it's just cause I have a thing for time travel movies. I dunno.
4. Cop Out-WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE THIS MOVIE?? I don't get it! Why??.....WHY???
3. Let Me In-I have not seen the original and from what it sounds like, the remake is much better. I was floored when I left the theater and I frankly wanna see it again really soon.
2. Inception-What the hell do I have to add to this? It's fucking awesome! Although I'm sure the good movie blogs left the word "fucking" but eh, it belongs there. Dear Good Movie Blogs, put more fucking, literally and figuratively, in your reviews. Thanks!

(Maybe this is why I don't do "good" movie blogs. Oh and before anyone says "What about Harry Potter 7?" I'm waiting to see Part 2 and gonna judge it has a whole movie, kinda like "Kill Bill". Part 1 was fucking amazing, for the record. Maybe I should guest spot on these "good" movie blogs. Rachel? Dylan? Mad Hatter (like he'll read this)? You guys need a second writer?)

Top Five Favorite Movies I Discovered This Year
5. Popcorn
4. Dead Snow
3. [REC]
2. Trick R'Treat
1. Undefeatable

Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed in 2010
10. BTK Killer
9. Flu Birds
8. Survival of the Dead
7. Search For The Beast
6. Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator

To Be Continued...