Friday, May 21, 2010

Awesome News 600

I can't think of a better way to spend my 600th post by saying the following:

This is my 600th post.

No seriously. I been nominated for not one, not THREE, but TWO LAMMY's!! WOO!!! Wanna know what category(s)?

Is it biggest dumbass in the world or most retarded or biggest stupid-head? Hee-hee-hee!

Who are you?

I'm your enemy. I was established a year or so ago.

Oh yeah. Where you been?

Trying to count backwards from 10. It's hard work.

Good luck with that.

Anyway. I been nominated in two categories: Funniest Writer and Best Horror/Sci Fi Blog! Wow! People think I'm funny! I told you!

Whatever. 10...4...8...dammit!

The cool thing is the people I'm nominated with in both categories. I mean it's basically between me and Fletch and Final Girl and He Shot Cyrus and some other chicks I never really heard of before but they're both named Sarah so I'm sure they're hot (It makes sense, girls named Sara/h or Jessica are just hot. Prove me wrong.)

Since the voting is only open to the LAMBs, I'll make my case to them on why they should vote for me in both categories.

1. When growing up, his mother had to work 18 hours a day for 7 days straight so he was raised by an old boot named Mrs. McNannty. Mrs. McNatty was MEAN!
2. I live in Indiana. Seriously. The people nominated in both categories, they live in cool states like California, Arizona and....other cool states! I live in fucking' Indiana! I can't buy or drink booze on Sunday's! Cars driving in a fast circle is considered the state sport! I see more big pick up trucks with GIT R DONE written on the back than I do Starbucks! I LIVE IN FUCKING INDIANA!!!
3. I work in the ghetto so I run the chance of getting shot or stabbed (or both depending on what day) every day. I might die any day now.
4. I just watched the WORST horror movie ever made. And it's being called one of my best reviews. C'MON!

5. I drink my own pee! tee-hee-hee!

Ew, you drink your own pee?


That's gross dude. Go away.

Ok, I'm done. In all seriousness, if you want to vote for me, that would be awesome. I'll take either award. BOTH would be nice but that's being too greedo shot first greedy. Everybody that got nominated deserved to be nominated and I hope the best people really do win. Good luck to everybody!

Jason sucks cocks in hell!

Shut up.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

New Review: Wiseguys vs Zombies

Just doing my part cause I'm an honorable guy.

Wiseguys vs Zombies

Excuse me, I need to kill my memory now.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Soto List: Books-To-Movie Edition

I use to read all the fucking time when I was a young lad. Now I'm all about movies so I don't read as much. But the books I have read in my lifetime, I was reading them and thinking "This would make a kickass movie!" So I figured it's time to unveil:
Top 6 Books I'd Like To See Made Into Movies

6. "Haunted" Written by Chuck Palahniuk-Palahniuk, who wrote the novels of "Fight Club" and "Choke" wrote this in 2005. My thinking was he wrote a novel that couldn't turned into a movie easily. But if this was turned into a movie, holy fucking shit it'd be a fucked up movie. The novel is pretty much 23 short stories about the characters in the novel. Every story is just one fucked up story after another. But the MAIN fucked up story is titled "Guts". If you haven't read it, I won't spoil it but I'll just say it deals with masturbation, a pool, and those sucktion ports in swimming pools. Enough said.
(Oddly enough, while doing research on this, I found this so maybe it will be a movie. But I wouldn't hold my breath.)

5. "The Wayside School Stories" Written by Louis Sachar-I read this series when I was a kid and thinking about them and reading the Wikipedia entry on it made me giddy. The stories focuses on a school called Wayside and the school is 30 stories tall with one class on each story. The book tells 30 stories about each kid on the 30th story and it's just weird. Also while reading the wikipedia, it mentions there's a TV show and maybe a movie in the works. I should reword this list but screw that noise.

4. "My Teacher..." series Written by Bruce Coville-Another series I read when I was a kid. The first book "My Teach is an Alien" tells the story of a substitute teacher who turns out to be an alien, sent to Earth to scout out for a reason. When the alien left, taking the nerd Peter, we go into the into the second book "My Teacher Fried My Brain", about another teacher who uses some sort of hair dryer and a kid's brain to contact the runaway alien to get back home. The third series "My Teacher Glows In The Dark" tells the story of what happened to the nerd Peter when he ran away with the alien. The fourth book "My Teacher Flunked The Planet" tells us what the story was about: the aliens hate Earth because of how we act to each other and scared they'll invent space travel and bring their awfulness to other planets, want to destroy it. So it's up to these three kids to save the planet. Honestly, these could be a good series of movies if done right. They're funny, insightful, and the story about how we act on this planet still rings true to this day.

3. Mike Nelson's "Death Rat" Written by Michael J. Nelson-When I heard Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer and star Mike Nelson was writing a novel, I was estactic. When the book hit the stores, I scooped it up and read it in one day and it's a glorious wonderful book. The story focuses on Ponty, a failed writer who mainly writes boring history books. One day he gets the idea to write a fictional action book called "Death Rat" about a giant rat that attacked a town in the 1900's. But the publisher doesn't think Ponty looks like the type to write a historic action book, so he hires an actor named Jack to play the writer but Jack, not knowing any better, said the book is based on a true story. This gets around and soon hilarity ensues, with Jack and Ponty heading to the actual town and setting up a cover up by making it seem like the Death Rat thing actually happened. This would be an awesome fucking movie. If there was a movie I would attempt to write, it would be this one.

2. "The Face" Written by Dean Koontz-This one, as I was reading it, I was picturing the movie in the head as it played out. The "Face" in the movie is a high profile actor who's in tons of movies and as a result, he leaves his son home alone a lot. I picture "The Face" being played by Ben Affleck for some reason. Anyway, this book is kinda hard to talk about but it'd make an awesome movie. There's angels, time travel, a weird creepy dude, everything. If you haven't read it, read it, and let's hope a movie version isn't too far off.

1. "The Talisman" Written by Stephen King and Peter Straub-I FUCKIN' love this book. You don't even know. The story is super complicated. The easiest way to describe it would be it's about a kid on a cross country adventure looking for a way to save his dying mom. He has some liquid that can transport him to an alternate version of America and he has a companion that's a giant wolf guy who turns human when they come to the real world. There's way more to it than that. This would have to be a mini-series or sequels or something cause it's a long story and nothing-NOTHING-should be taken out.

Well there ya go. I'm sure there's other novels I'd like to see turned into movies but these were the first six I thought of. Feel free to sound off in the comments. Until next week...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Some Quick Shout Outs!

To all my number one homies!

1. Caitlin over at 1,416 and Counting not only redid her entire site, she started a blog-a-thon titled "A-to-Z Blog-a-thon" where each person picked a letter and reviewed a movie beginning with that letter. I submitted a link to my awesome review of "Zombie Lake" because somebody had to do Z, ya know. Big props to Caitlin.

2. Nolahn accepted my challenge and did "Killjoy". He did an awesome job. Can't wait to challenge him again next month. Pour one for you.

3. The GreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blog-Zilla did something a bit different and reviewed a movie from the 21st century! I KNOW RIGHT? And he didn't do just any ol' movie he did motherfuckin' Transfromers 2: FUCK THIS SHIT UP IT'S STUPID ASS. True story: I was at the In-Law's for dinner last night and my sister-in-law was scrolling through the On-Demand and she was about to play "T2: RoTF" and I said loudly "NO! NO NO NO NO!" Because once in this lifetime is enough, thank you. And yes, this movie is THAT bad. Fuck you, Michael Bay. Dope, however, will remain awesome as always. Much love, home boy.

That's it for now. Lates!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

Z'Oh My God! This installment...I don't know what the dude that came up with this movie was thinking, in, on, or above when he came up with this movie. This movie is pretty much fucking retarded. Actually, it plays more like a spoof of a Jason. I don't even know.

Ignoring the ending of Part 5 where Tommy Jarvis went crazy, wore the Jason mask, and killed a girl, Tommy is riding in a truck with a friend named Ozzy and he's played by (hold on to your hocky masks for this) RON PALILLO! I watched this early in the morning so I had to convince myself I wasn't dreaming. But no. It's him.

Tommy is driving to Jason's grave "to make sure he's dead". Ozzy is there for the ride. They arrive at Jason's grave and I'm amazed that he got a gravestone made AND a coffin. You would think someone who got shot, stabbed, beat up, fell off high places, and drowned a shitload of times, they'd creamate him just to be on the safe side. And that's what Tommy is here to do, burn the body.

After digging the coffin up, during a thunderstorm, Tommy freaks out, grabs a metal pole from nearby and shoves it into Jason's body. This only happens so the next thing can happen: lighting hits the pole, re-animating Jason! Woo! Jason Zombie! And despite being dead all these years, his body held up rather well. Jason comes to life, kills Horshack, and is about to kill Tommy when Tommy runs away.

Tommy runs to the sheriff and tells him he bought Jason back to life. The sheriff doesn't believe him, knows he's Tommy Jarvis, and locks him up for the night. Meanwhile Jason is ready to start killing. Then I swear they spoof the James Bond opening by having Jason walk by in a circle, throws a machete, and the screen is covered in blood. Random parody for the win!

After the credit sequence, Jason starts killing. First it's two camp councilors heading to the new Camp Forest Green (Formerly Crystal Lake). The way these guys are killed is almost a parody. I swear the writer/director of this movie was writing a "Friday" spoof but it turned into an actual film in the series.

It's the next day and the sheriff is going to escourt Tommy to the county line and pretty much exile him. Before doing so, the sheriff's daughter and her friends come in. They're helping run the new Camp. Tommy goes on and on about Jason. Megan, the daughter, finds Tommy and his ranting attractive.

So the future victims all head to the camp and one thing that was presented in this movie that wasn't presented in any other movie was having kids at the camp. It seemed like the other movies either they were setting up to have the kids come or it was "dare we wonder by this area?"

There's also a weird scene where the Caretaker of the cemetary spots Jason's open grave. Realizing he'll get blamed for it (why?) he fills it back it, buring Horshack. Then the caretaker says "what do people think I am, a farthead?" Then it jumps to a scene with the kids yelling out "YEAH!!"

Was this written by those Friedman and Seltzer dudes? Jeez.

We also meet some office people roaming the woods, doing a paintball war game thingy. The dudes are being "killed" by a girl and one asshole isn't too happy about this. Thankfully, Jason comes along and teaches him some women's rights. Unfortuantely, he also kills the woman.

The sheriff is escourting Tommy to the borderline (My obsession with Jason falls on the borderline! Borderline!) but Tommy decides to prove he's right by going through the cemetary where...the old geezer already filled the hole. The caretaker denies the grave ever being open and the sheriff gets rough with Tommy. This is one long "I don't believe the guy that's right" set up.

It's later that night and one of the male councilors is getting it on with this annoying bitchy chick in an RV. Jason walks by and cause he hates sex, he cuts the lights off to the RV. The chick states she needs to get the RV back to her stepfather before he flips out and notices its missing. So I guess her stepfather is this guy?

Well, he's about to be even angrier. While dude and annoying chick are outside checking out why the power went out, Jason snuck into the RV. They go back in and while dude is driving like an asshole, Jason is killing the chick in the tiny ass bathroom. It's pretty funny actually. Then eventually, Jason kills the dude and the RV turns over. Jason stand atop the RV and yeah, this was suppose to be a spoof movie.

Some sideplot about an annoying little girl who can't sleep apparently happens and the other teenagers at the camp all get killed. Tommy, who was escourted to the borderline finally, just makes his way back. He gets some books on how to deal with the living dead (seriously) and has a plan.

The sheriff gets back and gets phone calls about all the dead bodies Jason's been leaving around and the sheriff thinks it's Tommy, so a manhunt begins for him. Megan finds out about the manhunt and when Tommy calls to talk to the sheriff (cause that worked swimmingly last time), he gets Megan and tells him she'll meet up with him to help.

Jason, meanwhile, shows up at the camp and slashes the rest of the teenagers. Megan picks up Tommy and they're about to go to the camp when the sheriff shows up with a roadblock. He handcuffs Tommy and locks him up when he gets a call about the RV murders. Even though Tommy was with Megan when it happened, sheriff locks Tommy up. But Tommy and Megan trick the deputy watching Tommy in letting him out.

The sheriff heads to the RV, then to the camp. Tommy and Megan also arrive at the camp and Jason and the sheriff meet head on. Before the sheriff can say "oh shit he was right" Jason kills him. Tommy is busy putting his plan in action. His big plan: Tie a chain around a boulder, then tie the chain around Jason and shove him into the lake.

Don't look at the screen like that, I didn't come up with that stupid plan.

Oddly enough, it sorta works. But Jason manages to strangle Tommy, Megan gets into the water and runs a motorboat propeller across Jason's face, which stops him, and oh Tommy didn't die. And the rock is holding Jason under the water. Why Jason doesn't just break the chains is anyone's guess. I mean they said early on when he came back from the dead, he was all different with superpowers. Hm, does that means Jason is...JESUS?? GASP!

Well, all recurrection aside, this movie was...weird. It was horrible and had tons of eye rolling moments but I enjoy those kind of things. I'll give to give this a middle of the road rating cause I enjoyed watching it but holy fuck was it stupid.


Friday, May 14, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted #5: Knowing The Next Treasure Off in Vegas, Man

(Podomatic is being stupid as I'm posting this so if the new episode isn't showing up in the player box up above, click this link to go to the home page and listen to it there. Sorry.)

An entire episode dedicated to the man, the myth, the legend that is Mr. Nicolas Cage. And to help Jason and Nolahn talk about this special man, they got some help in the form of Mr. Dylan "Fletch" Fields, the head of The Large Association of Movie Blogs and Blog Cabins.

First off, a discussion about Mr. Cage in the news and a quick game of which Nic Cage fact is fake. Then a Top 5 of Rememberable Cage Performances. Jason's number 1 is a must see for sure. Then a slight discussion on the famous remake of "The Wicker Man" from 2006.

A special shout out goes to the First Officall Sponsor of The Lair of the Unwanted. If you like goats and soap, check out The Foxy Goat, homemade soap made from goat milk. It's smooth!

Here's a bunch of links for ya!: (Nic Cage's IMDb bio)

And now for the begging.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE US AN EMAIL!!! thelairunwanted at gmail dot com !! PLEASE!! It's easy! You sent email before! We're gonna rag on Juggalos next month so send in that hate mail today!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Soto List: Mom Edition

This past Sunday was Mother's Day and after several confusing phone calls to different relatives, I finally called my Mom and we had a pleasant talk. After I got off the phone with her, I came on the internet and found a shitload of other people making lists about their Mom and stuff. So I figured "why the hell not?" This week's Soto List will be thusly Titled:
Top 8 Movies (And Two TV Shows) My Awesome Mom Introduced To Me! Aw yeah!

10. Overboard-Starring Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. I can literally quote this movie due to the number of times my Mom watched this while I was growing up. The story is pretty odd if you think about it too much. Kurt Russell is a Redneck-y handyman who's hired to work on Goldie Hawn's yacht. Goldie Hawn is a super bitchy rich chick who treats Russell like shit. One night, Goldie Hawn falls "overboard" (GET IT! GET IT!) and gets amnesia. Russell learns of this on the news and sets off for the strangest prank/revenge ever: convince Goldie Hawn she's his wife and make her do things like sleep on a couch and take care of his four rowdy boys!
This movie is a bit weird but it's pretty funny and it does have heart. The funniest thing has to be the four boys and how they act. If you haven't seen this, you totally should.

9. Foul Play-Starring Chevy Chase and...Goldie Hawn. Weird. Anyway. This is probably a lesser known film starring these two. But it's fuckin' hilarious. It's a weird conspiracy/mystery/comedy film. The plot is a bit convoluted. It involves the Pope, an albino, a horny Dudly Moore, two old ladies who use cuss words as Scrabble words, Burgess Meredith, and a snake. Just check it out.

8. The World According to Garp-Starring Robin Williams, Glenn Close, and John Lithgow. One of Robin Williams serious films. This tells the entire life story of one T.S Garp (Williams) and his relationship with his Mom (Close). Garp ends up being a novelist and...fucked up shit happens. Thinking back on it, my Mom was a bit weird letting me watch this. John Lithgow is a transvestite. Garp hates mute people (long story). The story on how Garp was concieved is fucked up enough.

7. The Warriors-Starring dudes and guy from "Xanadu". I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE! I actually remember the day my Mom introduced this movie to me. I was in the 6th grade and we were having some school fair thing. I saw a girl I had a crush on and I got the nerve to sort of ask her out at the fair thing. Not only did the girl reject me something fierce, I saw her kissing this other dude, who I couldn't stand to begin with. I came home, rejected, and my Mom just came back from the video store and she had "The Warriors". We sat down and watched it and I was just blown away by this story and it's awesomeness. I felt better and the following Monday I went to school with my head high and Joe Walsh's "In The City" running in my head.

6. A Whole Bunch of Alfred Hitchcock-My mom LOOOVED Hitchcock. She had a bunch of his movies on VHS. Including "Rear Window", "The Birds", "Strangers on a Train", "Psycho", "Rope", "Dial M For Murder", I could go on. My mom couldn't wait to show me Hitchcock films.

5. Star Wars-Granted, I probably would've seen this on my own in some way but my Mom bought the trilogy and on a Sunday we watched them all and my life was never the same way ever again.

4. The Wild, Wild West (TV Show)-Yes, before the apparently crappy Will Smith film (Yes, I haven't seen it yet, I know when to skip a bad movie...oh who am I kidding, I'll get to it sooner or later) there was this 1960's TV show. One day, my Mom turned on, I THINK, A&E and they had an ALL DAY Marathon of this show and it was fucking awesome! It was like a western but with futuristic gadgets. Oh man. Plus the villian Dr. Loveless is probably one of the greatest villians of all time. Honestly.

3. Quantum Leap
-If you know me, you know I loves me some Quantum Leap. My mom, who knew of my love of time-travel, said to me one day "Watch this show" and I did. And oh my god did I love it. I felt lucky enough to watch this show when it was NEW! God, I'm old.

2. Die Hard-Starring Bruce Willis. Yes, my Mom rented "Die Hard", sat down her 10-year-old son and let him watch it. I told you my Mom was awesome.

1. Bad Ronald-Oh what, you thought they all were mainstream movies? HA! Oh, Bad Ronald. This movie is wacky. So Ronald is a kid who's picked on all the time. He had a bad time at a party and on his way home he accidently kills a girl. Ronald goes home to his Mama, who's super overprotective of him. Instead of seeing his child go to jail, she hides Ronald in this homemade hiding space between the walls. Then the Mom dies and hilarity ensues. It's now available on DVD through Amazon so I highly recommend it. And it's only ironic I see this movie with my Mom. I wonder if she'd do the same thing for me. Hm. Let's find out!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The Soto List: Recent Purchase Edition

My good friend Travis over at The Movie Encyclopedia has been doing these posts lately called "(Insert Name of Place) Hauls" where he goes to a place, whether it be Blockbuster, a mall, or a closing video store, and buys a shit ton of movies, then posts about them. I like those posts and they always get me the urge to go out and buy stuff.

Thankfully, within the past month, I been on a pretty big spending spree myself. I figured this would make a good list so you are getting:
Top 10 Movie I Recently Purchased (Both DVD and VHS)

10 and 9. Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives & Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood-

As you all know, I been watching every "Friday the 13th" movies slowly but surely. For whatever reason, the middle series is very hard to find by themselves. I'm aware that there's a box set with all the movies, but I already own the first 5 movies individually so whatever. Eventually, I went on Amazon and discovered Part 6 on sale for 2 bucks and Part 7 on sale for like 5. I was estatic. So these reviews will be coming soon. Promise.

8. Empire Records (VHS)-I haven't seen this movie until last year and thought it was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! I love movies that take place during a single day (future list idea!) Plus it's quotable as hell. I would go on and on about it but IT'S REX MANNING DAY!

7. Soultaker (VHS)-
This was one of those rare finds I had to scoop it up. If you're a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, you know about Souptaper Soultaker. I'm sure there's not a whole lot I'm missing in the un-MST'd version (I do wonder if Fake Tonya Harding got naked in THAT scene though) but it's a dumb movie it's worth paying a dollar to own on VHS.

6. Ernest Saves Christmas (VHS)-

Yeah, I bought the 3 VHS tapes at the same place, this video store back in my hometown. I was there for Easter recently and my friend Bill said to me "Mid-Town is back to renting movies", which is unbelieveable. Here's why: Way back in 2001, I moved down the street from this video store and I became a member. I rented videos there often and it was cool having a video about 2 blocks away. Then one day there was a sign saying "CLOSING! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" and they were selling all their movies. So naturally we bought up as much as we could (I think i was unemployed at this point so I didn't get much) and stayed up for about a year. Then it closed finally...for a week. Then it opened back up, only selling VHS, DVD's...and applances like washers and fridges. We were like "What the fuck?" And it stayed that way for YEARS! Then I seem to remember it closed at some point finally until recently when they opened up again and started renting again. I have no idea.
Oh right. Ernest Save Christmas. One of my favorite Christmas movies. That's all.

5. Martyrs-I heard SOOO much about this through "Outside The Cinema" that I had to see for myself what this was about. I haven't gotten around to watching it yet.

Jesus, the French make fucked up movies.

4. [REC]-Another movie I heard a lot about. This is the original version of "Quarantine" and supposedly a lot better. When I asked people which movie should I watch first, everyone practically screamed "[REC]!!" Ok then.

3. Big Money Hustlas-

This is only so we can do an episode of "The Lair" about it. It's not available ANYWHERE but through ICP themselves. That kinda sucks, but whatever.

2. Diary of the Dead-I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this one. EVERY single person that seen this as said how awful this movie is. I just wanted to see for myself. Plus it was on sale. I collect bad movies. Why not?

1. I'm In The Basement-I got this from Gonzoriffic. I can't explain it really. Final Girl did a post about their movie posters and all of them sounded fantastic. I just randomly picked this one and it finally came in yesterday after my dumbass gave them the wrong address TWICE (don't ask). It sounds really interesting.

My god, it looks like they made that movie JUST for me. Do me a favor and check out their website and get some of their movies, ok? Yes, sight unseen. They all just sound awesome as fuck.

And that's it. Man, I bought some weird shit lately. I'm gonna need to buy like "My Fair Lady" or "Monsters INC" to balance things out or something. Weird.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

MAY I Tell You What's Happening This Month?

Get it? MAY I? Ha ha.


Ahhh, a new month. It's May. When the weather goes from somewhat cool to "oh my god, who turned the heat outside to 1000???". The very birthmonth of my lovely (and patient) fiancee (WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOW!!!!) and when geese abort their eggs cause they're stupid. (The geese, not the eggs)

Anyway, after the Nightmare on Elm Street blog-a-thon I'm gonna be taking it easy for a week or so. Just actually, y'know, WATCH movies. But I do have some announcements:

1. I came up with this idea awhile ago. I was reading The Bargin Bin Review and noticed that Nolahn hadn't reviewed some movies yet. Granted, I'm sure he'll EVENTUALLY get to them (reviewing Bad Movies is a lifetime job, kinda like Santa Claus or Jacob on "Lost") but there are certain ones I think he should get to sooner than later. So I proposed this idea to him:
What if every month we challenge each other to review a movie that we seen and reviewed already but the other hasn't yet? Good idea, no? I threw this idea out to him and he said "Yes!" So starting this month we shall be presented "The Challenge"! This month's Challenge: Nolahn watches "Killjoy" and I watch "Wiseguys vs Zombies". This should be good. The only rule is we have to have the review up by the end of the month. So be on a lookout for that. And we shall link.

2. This month's episode of "The Lair of the Unwanted" should be another fun one. We have another special guest coming on, to talk about a subject they feel REALLY passionate about. I'm gonna let all of that stay in suspense. Although if you listened to April's episode, you should already know what the subject is.

3. I'm going be doing a huge major epic thing starting in June and going all SUMMER long. It's pretty majorly epic. I mean HUGELY majorly epic! Epically majorly huge!! Seriously.

4. My birthday is in June. I'll be turning 30. Expect me to go fucking insane.

That's it! See ya when I see ya!