Thursday, January 31, 2008

Trailer Thursday!

Since we're on the subject of Michael Bay, here is the trailer for "Armageddon", which features many of the things I talked about: stupid humor, explosions for no reason (really a space shuttle IN SPACE explodes), and overblown drama.


Why Michael Bay Is The Anti-Christ

If there's ever one question I get asked all time, it's "Why don't you like Michael Bay and/or his movies?" Frankly, I figured his movies speak for themselves but I guess there are actual fans of his movies (which is cool if you are) and they want an actual answer.

So I'll attempt to give you some answers.

First, his directing skills is kinda lacking. 90% of scenes in his movie involves a camera jiggling around so damn fast it looks like he hired a monkey high on cocaine and pixie sticks to film these scenes. Honestly, it gives me a headache.

Then there's the fact that, according to Bay, EVERYTHING explodes. No matter what it is, it will erupt in a big fiery flame that can be seen in space. You could stub your toe and suddenly your house will explode, along with your car, block, and even city. I get that he makes "action" films and there's suppose to be explosions, but other action films can make it look not so silly. Like in "Die Hard" Bruce Willis throws a bunch of C-4 and a computer down an elevator shaft and it explodes. If Michael Bay directed Die Hard, all of L.A would've blown up after that scene.

And when there aren't scenes of blowing shit up, there are the parts where people talk and interact with each other. I suspect Michael hates these kinds of scenes, which is why they always suck. He just wanna get to the 'splosions. As a result, we get weird dialouge and exchanges. But then again, he doesn't write the movies, just films the stuff, so I can't put the blame on him for this. The best example I can think of is the stupid awful scene in Armageddon (or as we say "which one? HA!") where Ben Affleck has some animal crackers on Liv Tyler's tummy. Haven't seen it? Well aren't you in luck?

I probably could just stop there, but that'd be too easy.

Another strike against Bay is he for some strange reason, despite being an "action" director, he's AGAINST VIOLENCE in movies. You're probably thinking "Wait, people died in a bunch of his movies" and you're right. But did you SEE them die (we're not including the fireball scenes cause it's only common sense)? What I'm talking about is showing a guy get stabbed or shot or just crushed to death. A good example here is the stupid pointless remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Granted, the original didn't show anyone getting chopped into bits with a chainsaw, but we did see a lot of other violent stuff. In the remake? Nothing. Happens off-camera or it's too damn dark to see anything. Plus the majority of the scenes were just Jessica Biel running around hiding from Leatherface. I would provide an example but the only videos on Youtube are "fan made" videos with annoying music played over them. Just take my word for it.

And then there's his "sense of humor". I'm gonna go more into detail about this in my "Transformers" Probe, but I swear to God he had the Transformers doing some sort of slapstick in a long drawn out scene. I'm not a Transformers fan as I mentioned before, but if I was and I saw Optimus Prime act like Moe from "The Three Stooges", I would probably kill myself. (NOTE TO TRANSFORMERS FANS READING THIS: Don't kill yourself.) Another example is the scene in Armageddon where Bruce Willis is chasing Ben Affleck all over a ship cause Ben was sleeping with Liv Tyler. Hi-larious.

And I saved this for last cause I don't want feminist start sending hate mail about how this is my MAIN reason for not liking Bay. No, this is just one of the many reasons. But it is a big chunk of my reasons, so here we go.

You may remember a movie called "The Island", which is another story unto itself. Short version: the writers ripped it off from a 1970's movie called Parts: The Clonus Horror which is about a clone finding out he's a clone and there's a non-clone version of himself out there. This isn't a remake or a retelling cause no-one involved in "The Island" contacted the people from "Parts" and told them/got permission/bought rights, etc. The "Parts" people sued and the whole issue was resolved out of court. I didn't wanna come out and say Bay's a thief cause I'm sure that really isn't the case. But trying to rip people off is pretty horrible.

Anyway, you know that Scarlett Johannson co-starred in "The Island" with Ewan MacGregor. There's a scene in the movie where Scarlett's character and Ewan's character have sex, which was filmed so artsy, with the camera passing by weird crystal things and whatnot, I thought I accidently put in a David Lynch movie. Except Lynch shows sex and nudity. Bay?

Well, during the scene Scarlet totally AGREED to be 100% topless during the scene, meaning we'd get to see some boobies in an otherwise mediocre movie. Michael Bay said no.

Again. THIS GUY:


She CANNOT get topless. And as a result, THIS was the big "sex scene" with Scarlett Johansson:

As you can see, she's wearing a bra the entire time. So what the fuck is Bay's problem? Not only is he against violence, he's against nudity. But this is because he wanted his movie to be rated PG-13 so teenagers will come to see his movies. Cause you know, teenagers are totally into movies about cloning and the moral dilemmas it raises. That's all they talk about. Personally, I find it insulting that Bay is pandering to people. I believe if you're a film maker, you should be able to make whatever you want and stick by it. Maybe Bay, at first, told Scarlett "FUCK YEAH! Take that top off!" but then someone reminded him that PG-13=$$$ and he said "maybe later in my trailer", in which case I hope Scarlett stomped on his nads.

So that about sums it up for me. Pretty much his movies are medicore "action" films where potato chip bags explode for no reason, with no violence that don't involve explosions, have crappy humor, and don't feature nudity, at least female nudity.

Even his movie titles explode for no reason.

Finally, I did wanna mention something shocking that I found out. Not only did he prior to making movies he directed some very well known music videos, including "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. How ironic, you say? Well, your Irony-meter is gonna explode in a minute.

Among his credits is a little something called "Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall". So he directed porn. Ok, ok. I guess a Playboy video isn't really porn. But still pretty shocking none-the-less. Although, I have to wonder if maybe this isn't a joke of some kind. The only place I see his name listed as a director to this is on IMDB and they're not always right when it comes to information. Pretty helpful, but not always right. So come to your own conclusions about that.

That's it, those are my reasons for not liking any of his movies. If you just happen to like Bay and his movies, please don't be offended or think I was slamming you in anyway. I'm merely just stating my opinion, which I am not alone on. In any event, thanks for reading and-OW! I hit my hand on my keyboar-


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Oscar Write Up Thingy

Hey guys,

Check out the little Oscar write up thingy (My name for it) over at the LAMB. Here's the direct link to my article:

Be sure to leave a comment, saying it's the best post ever! There seems to be some doubt among some people, so set them straight!

Special thanks to Fletch of Blog Cabins and the fearless leader of the LAMB for coming up with this idea and posting my thing. Be sure to check out the rest in the upcoming week or so.

And a Transformers Probe will be on the way.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

No Review Today

Hey folks,
There won't be a review today. I been sick with a cold all weekend and I'm too medicated to be funny and watch a bad movie. I did wanna alert you to a few things though.

Since I'm part of this elite group called "The LAMB's", the leader has asked us to write a thing for the upcoming Oscar's ceremony. He assigned us different categories and we have to write about them. I was given "Best Visual Effects". So I wrote up my thing and sent it to him. I fear it's not that good, cause I didn't know what to write and I wrote it right after watching one of the nominee's "Transformers", which pretty much sucked my brain out and crapped all over it. Any event, I'll let you know when it's posted and look out for a Transformers Probe soon.

And my Razzie poll is still up so if you haven't voted, you still have a chance. You can read about the nominees here:
Or to just see the poll themselves, I posted them on the front page of the site

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Trailer Thursdays!

You ever see a trailer for a movie and you have to wonder if maybe the entire thing is a joke? Like maybe it's not really a movie, just some SNL or MAD TV sketch that got loose? Or it was just a prank some film students did on their free time? I kinda feel that way about this movie, that's seriously called:

"The Hottie & The Nottie".

That is possibly the stupidest thing I ever seen. For something even more stupider...est, here's the trailer:

I wonder if by the end the "nottie" turns into a hottie? And why Paris Hilton? Was Jessica Alba busy? Or Scarlett Johannson?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Step Up 2 The Streets Video Follow-Up

For those of you new to my blog, sometime in August, I stumbled upon a Myspace profile for the movie "Step Up 2 The Streets". I remember when Step Up 1 was in theaters. In case you're not familiar, it's the one movie with the dude who does community service by being a janitor for a dance school and he teams up with a hot chick in the school to do a dance thing and there's drama and stupid humor and whatnot. If you're still confused here's the trailer.

So as you can see, we desperately needed a sequel. I mean, the world was just begging for one.

Anyway, since I'm naturally drawn to stupid movies for some reason, I checked out this profile. And without getting into the whole thing again, I wrote a thing about stupid movies having Myspace Profiles before. So again I wanted to do the same thing. I friended the community and was about to leave a bad comment when I noticed that Myspace and the movie producers was holding a contest. A DANCE CONTEST!

A bell went off in my head. I should have that checked.

I read the rules and they were simple. Just make a video of yourself dancing to this song that they provide and upload it to Myspace. I just couldn't resist. Here is the video I made (I apologize for what you're about to see):

After making it, I submitted it, the contest came and went and surprise surprise I wasn't anywhere near the top ten. Oh well.

But then a bunch of interesting stuff happened. First, I recieved an email from some chick at Disney. She asked for the original video file of my dance video. I said why not and sent it to her. So some part of me is wondering if maybe my video is gonna make it into the movie still, cause the ending credits of the first movie (Oh yes I watched it) featured rejected videos of people. I'm still unsure cause I haven't heard anything since I sent it.

Then I uploaded the video onto Youtube just so I can show people the funny dance video I made. My friends thought it was funny and it was something they'd expect out of me.

But then a scary thing happened. People took me SERIOUSLY! Watch that video again. People took THAT seriously!! As of today's date, that video has gotten 11,385 views, a rating of 3 stars from 20 people, it's been favorited 10 times, and I have 29 comments, which I'm about to share some.

Here are the comments that took me seriously. The spelling errors are theirs:

"I see that you work hard on your dance moves.That's good 4 u.:)"
"omg, you're amazing!! i hope you win :]"
"I think you're gonna win"
"omg! u go jason!"
"big guy dancin to cassie...good 4 u!!"
"Gj with the entry Jason, as u gotta respect everyones style."

Then there are people who did get the joke:
"i am a dancer to guys but this shit is funny"
"dang..this is funiii....i need to give sum lessons lol"
"hahahahahahaahaaaahahahahaha great!! u are so funny i hope u get chousen :P lol"
"Sometimes I start to have faith in humanity, but then I read comments for videos like these where people actually think this guy is serious."

And then there are the assholes who just act like assholes for the sake of being an asshole. I won't repost those.

I have no reason reason to make this post, I just wanted to share. I'm gonna be doing a Probe of Step Up (Egads I gotta watch that AGAIN?) in time for Step Up 2: Electric Boogaloo, which is coming out on February 14th which is...a Thursday? Wow. This movie is so GOD DAMN unique that it doesn't follow traditions! Sorry, my fiancee, no valentines for you. I'm gonna be camped out!

Mr. Heath Ledger

So I come home today and I'm just randomly looking at my friends list on Livejournal when I saw that MST3K: The Movie is finally getting a real DVD release. I'm like "yay!" and I read some comments about this. One person then said "I'm happy about this, but I'm still shocked to hear about Heath Ledger's death."

I was like "Huh?"

So I check my number one source of all actors/actresses/entertainers deaths: Yahoo News. And sure enough, there it was.

This bummed me out. Only cause he was so, so young. And, much like everyone in the universe, I was looking forward to this role as The Joker in "The Dark Knight". Watching the trailer just made me ten thousand times more excited about this movie.

But that was about it. I wasn't like a hardcore fan. I knew who he was and looking at his credits on imdb I knew a lot of his movies. And I knew that he was the guy from the old Fox show "Roar". That's how geeky I am, yo.

I feel kinda bad about this cause the only movie I did see that he was in was "Monster's Ball". That's right, I never saw "Brokeback Mountain", or "Knight's Tale", or "Ten Things I Hate About You". Not even "Cassanova", "Brother's Grimm", or "Lords of Dogtown". Just "Monster's Ball".

But he was very popular and I haven't heard anyone say a bad thing about him, so I'm going to assume that he was a good actor. He did have great success and I am very sorry to see him go at such a young age. I'm hoping the death was accidental and not suicidal. That would just suck.

So not knowing how else to end this little entry, here is the review I did of "Monster's Ball" all the way back in November 2003. I apologize for the writing style, I was still learning how to write reviews.

My Monster's Ball Review

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Razzies Are Here!

Ladies and Gentlemen. It is that time. We honor the worst that Hollywood has offered in 2007. Everybody in the bad movie world was buzzing about what SHOULD be nominated. Some say Epic Movie should win Worst Picture. And some say it's Joel Schumacher time to win Worst Director. Sadly, none of these will happen.

I was going to stay up last night to see them freshly announced but since B-Fest kicked my ass this weekend I said "screw it". As usual, I will put my predictions in Italics and give a brief (HA! Like I do anything "brief") reason as to why or my thoughts about the matter. So without further ado, The Nominees Are!

Nicolas Cage

Jim Carrey

Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit)

Adam Sandler
This is probably a given. There has never been a movie that I personally found offensive then Norbit, and I'm far from being easily offended. And plus the fact that this came out around the same time as Dreamgirls, where Eddie was given an Oscar nod should secure his chances of winning this.

Jessica Alba

Logan Browning, Janel Parrish, Nathalia Ramos & Skyler Shaye
(A Four-for-One Deal!)

Elisha Cuthbert

Diane Keaton

Lindsay Lohan (as Aubrey)

Lindsay Lohan (as Dakota)
Man, Jessica Alba is getting slammed. And not in a good way. By me. (Hi Felicia!) Anyway, I have to give it up to the Bratz girls cause...well. Eh, I won't ruin it yet.

Orlando Bloom

Kevin James

Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong)

Rob Schneider

Jon Voight
Man, Jon Voight is getting slammed. And not in a good way. By me? (Ew. Hi again Felicia.) Anyway, as awful as Jon Voight was in Bratz, I still have to stick with what I said earlier and say it's Eddie's year. Hopefully this will teach him a lesson and he'll either stick to drama's or at least GOOD comedy. Beverly Hills Cop? 48 Hours? Come on, Eddie!

Jessica Biel

Carmen Electra

Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia)

Julia Ormond

Nicolette Sheridan
But again, putting Eddie Murphy in a category for actresses is a bit unfair. Sure he was playing a woman but he's still a MALE playing a female. It really don't make sense. So I'm just gonna go with Carmen Electra cause I'm not sure what it is exactly she does, but I know she's not an actress. And plus Epic Movie SHOULD win something.

Jessica Alba & EITHER Hayden Christensen
Dane Cook
OR Ioan Gruffudd

Any Combination of Two
Totally Air-Headed Characters

Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan
(as The Yang to Her Own Yin)

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit) & EITHER Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong)OR Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia)

Adam Sandler & EITHER Kevin James OR Jessica Biel
This category gave me a headache. There's so much going on and so many fuckin' people being nominated at the same time. So what I THINK is going on is Jessica Alba (who is being slammed AGAIN, she must be getting sore by now) is either gonna win for teaming up with Young Anakin, Dane Cook, or That Dude With The Weird Name. So I'm gonna go with her and Weird Name Guy cause just looking at the trailers for The Fantastic Four (The original AND the sequel) makes me wanna punch something.

Are We Done Yet?
(Remake/Rip-Off of MR. BLANDINGS Builds his Dream House)

(A Rip-Off If Ever There Was One!)

Epic Movie
(Rip-Off of Every Movie it Rips Off)

I Know Who Killed Me

Who's Your Caddy
(Rip-Off of Caddy Shack)

I didn't know which one to pick. As awful as Epic Movie is, it is a spoof movie, so it's suppose to rip-off different movies at the same time. And I'm gonna be honest here, I dunno what Bratz is suppose to be ripping off. Unless they mean, like, seeing the movie is a rip-off cause it sucks? But that don't make sense. Maybe I just don't understand it. If someone wants to explain it to me, let me know. In the meantime, I'm sticking with Who's Your Caddy cause this was offensive to black people and I'm not even black.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

Daddy Day Camp

Evan Almighty

Hannibal Rising

Hostel: Part II
Ok, why isn't Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer mentioned here? This whole thing is starting to sound shaky to me. And didn't AVP: Requiem JUST come out like...three weeks ago? Oh well, I'm going with the one that SHOULDN'T have even existed to begin with.

Dennis Dugan

Roland Joffe

Brian Robbins

Fred Savage

Chris Siverston
Ok I'm gonna mention this now. What's with all the hate for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry"? Are the folks at the Razzies homophobes or something? I'm telling you all this now. If next years group of nominations don't make sense, then I'm giving up on this whole thing and fuckin' doing my own. So to all of you reading this, start paying attention cause I'm gonna call on you to pick your own worst of 2008! Anyway, this is my choice just to keep picking on "Norbit".


Daddy Day Camp
Screenplay by Geoff Rodkey and David J. Stem & David N. Weiss

Epic Movie
Written by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

I Know Who Killed Me
Written by Jeffrey Hammond

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Screenplay by Barry Fanaro and Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor

Screenplay by Eddie Murphy & Charles Murphy
Jay Sherick & David Ronn

So...wait a minute? Eddie teamed up with his brother to write this horrible movie, but they needed help so they dragged in two other guys? Yeah...that sounds about right.

Ok now, I saved these two for last because this is where YOU, my friend the reader, come in. Every year I just announce the list of Razzies, then the winners and that's it. This time, which is why I'm even bothering with all of this to begin with, I'm gonna do something different. I'm actually gonna watch, and review, two of these movies, one from each category, and YOU!!!!!!! get to pick which ones!!

First, the nominees & my picks.



Daddy Day Camp

I Know Who Killed Me

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry


Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem


Hannibal Rising

Hostel: Part II

I Know Who Killed Me

I chose these cause horror movies is my thing (well I don't really have a "thing" but if I did, it'd be horror movies) and Worst Picture cause, well, it don't get any worst then this. At least that's what I thought before I saw the nominations.

First, I was gonna save this for a surprise for when the time came, but since it got picked for Worst Picture I'm gonna have to just announce it now. Somewhere down the line, I was gonna do a review of "Bratz" anyway. I got that movie for my 11-year-old sister for Christmas and I ended up watching it with her and Dear-FUCKING-Lord is it awful. So I'm gonna take it off the list, cause why pick a movie that I'm gonna review ANYWAY and not have a special Razzie review or whatever? So that's gone.

Also, looking at the list, I really don't agree with some of it. I mean is "Chuck & Larry" really THAT bad? Is it really WORST than Norbit? So, since I probably might end up liking it, or think it's not THAT bad, I'm gonna remove it from the poll also.

AND (I know! I know! Don't kill me!) since "I Know Who Killed Me" was nominated in both Worst Picture AND Worst Horror Movie, I'm gonna take THAT off the list and keep it in the Horror Movie category. Why should you guys pick the same movie in two categories? Get what I'm saying? I hope so, I'm still tired from B-Fest.

So that leaves only "Norbit" and "Daddy Day Camp". I know, that leaves only two. What I'm gonna do is, throw in three movies that I THINK shoulda got picked for Worst Picture, since the damn Razzie people fucked up. Those three movies are:
Delta Farce (This one somehow got away from the Razzies. I dunno how.)
Epic Movie (What am I doing to myself?)
Code Name: The Cleaner (I was kinda struggling to pick a third and I figured, what the hell?)

Oh and I probably never mentioned this but you CAN vote for the same thing as many times as you want. So if you really want me to suffer through Norbit and see that it's losing, vote for it again. I won't know, or even care. In my last poll, I saw that there were only 11 votes total. And I find that depressing. I don't wanna turn emo. I'm sure I look horrible in eyeliner. Although I already do wear a lot of black...

Anyway, time to vote! I'm gonna keep the poll on a seperate page since it looked all awkward here on Blogger. If it doesn't work or wanna work, let me know and I'll do something about it.

Worst Picture Poll

Worst Horror Movie Poll

Finally, you're probably wondering why I don't just, like, review ALL the movies. For a few reasons.
1. Albert at The Agony Booth is doing ALL the movies, and I don't wanna rip his idea off. Yeah, I'm SORT OF ripping it off, but at least I'm only doing two categories and one movie from each of those, AND making up my own nominees to boot. How's THAT for originality?
2. I really don't have that much free time, honestly. I work 5 days a week and when I get home I'm tired and believe it or not, somedays I don't feel like watching a movie. Plus I got a few other things going on at the same time, which will be revealed in the weeks to come. Yay or something.

The winners won't be announced until Saturday, February 23rd, in the morning. So I'll end my poll either that Thursday night or Friday morning. I'll announce which two won and will be spending that weekend reviewing them.

Thanks for reading ALL of this. Sorry it was so long.

(That's what she said.)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

B-Fest 08 Report

Instead of just typing it up, I decided to talk about this year's B-Fest in another episode of the Movie Show.

It's kinda long so save it for when you have a half hour to kill.

Also, tomorrow the Razzies will be announced, so look out for a post about the nominees AND a special announcement about what I'm gonna be doing for the Razzies this year tomorrow.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Special Edition of Trailer Thursday!

Why is it special you ask?

Because tomorrow evening I will be going to...


WOO!!!!! In case you don't know what that is, B-Fest is an annual fest in (I think) Evanston, IL, at some college where they play nothing but B-Movies for 24 hours straight. It's a long grueling experience but it is also tons of fun. So for this Trailer Thursday I'm gonna post the trailers for the movies listed on the line up page! Just click on the word to view the trailer. Here we go:

1. Tentacles

2. Barbarella

3. Plan 9 From Outer Space

4. Black Samson

5. Zardoz

6. The Mummy's Hand

7. The Undying Monster

8. Xanadu

9. The Creature Walks Among Us

10. Empire of the Ants

11. Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla

I couldn't find trailers for "Dracula's Daughter", "The Magic Sword", and "The Blue Bird". There are also gonna be shorts but those aren't known until we get there.

So hopefully I'll see you guys Sunday, with a full report of everything! And to check out the first one I went to back in 2004 read here

Sunday, January 13, 2008

New Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

You guys were right to vote for this one.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats


Thursday, January 10, 2008

It's Trailer Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!

AND my 100th post on this blog! WOOT!

So, Uwe Boll.

That's all I gotta say.

Ok no. I hate his movies. I can't say I hate him cause I don't know him personally, but I can say I hate his movies cause I've suffered through two of them. (Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead). This Friday, he has another movie coming out called "In The Name of the King" and this time he's dragging a Jason S. through the mud. That Jason S. is Statham. I'm sure there are other people he's dragging through the mud but the trailers I've seen only feature Jason Statham.

But before you think I'm just gonna post a trailer to In The Name of the King, let me stop you. Because I'm not.

Instead, I'm gonna post not one, not five, but THREE! trailers for a Uwe Boll movie that I actually wanna see! I KNOW! He did the impossible, he made a movie that people might actually wanna see, including me, the biggest movie cynic (Now THAT's a great name for a site. I should go back in time and change the site to that name) that ever lived.

So here I present to you three trailers for:



Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Black vs White: Who's More Disturbing?

Since I take the bus to work every day, I have a lot of time to think of stupid crap that probably isn't important. One of those things I thought of recently was the stereotype of black people being loud and obnoxious in movie theaters.

This stereotype has been played out in some movies, like Scary Movie:

And to a lesser extent, Malibu's Most Wanted:

So this got me wondering if there was some truth to the stereotype. Because I personally have dealt with loud white people in theaters, along with loud black people in theaters.

First off, a couple of years ago when Sin City was out, me and my fiance went to see it at a theater in Indianapolis. What she didn't tell me until later was it was in the "shady" part of town, so what happened in the theater wasn't too surprising. First off, some point during the middle of it, three black chicks walked in and seriously yelled out for some other chick's name. After everyone went "SHH" to them, one of them yelled back "Don't shh me!" Cause, you know, screaming out for someone during a movie isn't rude at all. Then later in the movie (Kinda spoilerish if you haven't seen Sin City) the part where Bruce Willis cuts off the nuts of The Yellow Bastard, literally a whole row of black people up front just stood up and shouted "HELL NAW!! HE CUT HIS NUTS OFF!!" and ran out of the theater. Later, as we were leaving the theater, I heard one of these guys on the phone talking about this experience. I found it funny.

And then recently, me and my fiance went to see No Country For Old Men and it was playing in this theater that only shows artsy movies that isn't shown in other theaters. Why they were showing this, I dunno, but whatever. And inside this theater was made up mostly of white people. The people I'm gonna be focusing on for this story is the old guy and some lady who sat behind me, and this lady who sat in front of Felicia. Oh and this MIGHT contain spoilers for No Country For Old Men, but I'll try to be careful about it.

So the main bad guy in the movie carries around this thing that's hooked up to an air compressor so it shoots out nails or something. And this guy used this a lot during the movie. So anytime he did, the lady in front of my fiance would literally jump and give a little scream. Every. Single. Time.

Then the old dude and lady behind me. I swear every 5 minutes the old dude would say quite loudly "What did he say?" "Why did he do that?" "Is" And the lady, loudly, would explain or repeat stuff. Oh and at two points during the movie, someone's cell phone went off. And it was the same one. It was the same ringtone.

OH! And when we went to see Juno, there was this encounter with these annoying ass WHITE teenage girls who literally said "EW" for every damn thing that happened. Juno spit out a slurpee. "EW!" The doctor squirted some jelly on Juno's belly. "EW!" Juno gave birth. "EWWWWWW!!!" The only positive thing I can say about this is maybe this scared them from getting pregnant.

Oh and one time a while ago, some dude got arrested DURING a movie. He was white.

So if I add up my personal experiences, I think white people are more annoying and disturbing at movie theaters. I think we should just lay off this stereotype that ONLY black people cause big ruckus' at the theater. Let's just say that movie goers are divided into two groups: those of us who want to remain quiet and respectful during the movie. And loud ignorant ass people who are major assholes. Which category do YOU fall in?

Of course, there was that one time when I saw "Freddy vs Jason" and this group of black chicks screamed throughout the entire movie...oh well.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

New Review: Bloodz vs Wolvez

Ever wonder what a low budget Ghetto-set version of "Underworld" would be like?

Bloodz vs Wolvez


Bad News Death Bed Fans...

I got this in my email today:

Meaning, Not only are they gonna wait until TOMORROW (Tuesday) to ship out Death Bed, but they're sending it from some city no where near me, so it's gonna take all week to get here. what do I do?

Well, it's gonna just have to be a surprise. Because I'm recieving Bloodz vs Wolfez tomorrow so I could do that I suppose. We'll just see. Think of it as a surprise! Yay surprises!

So this taught me a vaulable lesson. Next time I plan on doing a poll for which movies I should review first, make sure I have all movies in my possession before hand, instead of trusting Netflix to send their movies out on time. So my sincere apologizes for all you folks who voted for Death Bed. It's gonna have to wait. To make up for it, here's Patton Oswalt talking about said movie, which inspired me to want to review it:


Sunday, January 06, 2008

And The Winner Is...

With 4 votes, Death Bed is the winner! And coming in second a three way tie! WOW! This was an interesting experiment, one I will be doing again sometime in the future.

But of course there is one problem. Death Bed can't be reviewed today. Netflix hasn't sent it out yet for whatever reason. I wondered what I was gonna do about this, then I settled on just doing it Tuesday, when the DVD SHOULD be arriving. So there won't be a review today. Unless I whip together a probe or something, but most likely I won't.

Plus Americian Gladiators start up tonight. So I'll be watching that.

Thanks to all 10 of you who voted!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

YOU!! Pick The Next Four Movies!

So we our offically in 2008 now. I vow to make 2008 an exciting time for the site (and this blog) with some changes and whatnot.

One of those things is what I'm doing now and that is:
YOU MAKE THE CALL!!! or so I don't get sued "You Tell Me What Movie To Watch Next!"

Here are the rules or whatever.

I'll set up another poll thingy. Between now and Saturday night at 11:59 PM and 59 seconds you can vote for which movie you want me to review next. And whichever gets the most votes is gonna be the first movie reviewed. Second place will be the second, and so on until the month is over. Sound simple enough? Good. Now, tell us who our contestants are, Johnny Olsen!

1. Killers From Space

Starring a young Peter Graves, this is about a dude who is kidnapped from aliens and no one believes him until he's kidnapped again. Features Bug-eye aliens.

2. Dumpster Baby

From the fine folks at Troma, this movie deals with the misadventures a newborn baby has when his crackhead mama tosses him in a dumpster.

3. Bloodz vs Wolvez

According to Netflix: As if ordinary gang warfare weren't enough to contend with, the cops really have their hands full when rival supernatural gangs do battle on the streets of New York City in this direct-to-video horror flick. It's the ultimate showdown as the upstart werewolves from the 'hood start a turf war against the well-fixed vampires who own downtown -- and the winners will reign for eternity. I wish I was making this up.

4. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People

Yet again. I wish I was making this up. I heard about this gem from Patton Oswalt (No, not personally). Also according to Netflix: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats has finally been resurrected and is now available after twenty-five years of obscurity. This film tracks the macabre story of a bed in a strange, stone building near a grand estate that craves and hungers for the taste of blood and flesh from the unsuspecting traveler -- and three pretty, young girls have just come to stay the night..

Polling Is Now Closed