Thursday, June 30, 2011

Horror Thursday: House (1977)

This week, I look at the weirdest thing to come out of Japan.


And that's saying a lot.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011


(Note: This is going to be a strange one. And unless I miss my guess, the last review I have to transfer over. Yay! Also in a historical note, this is one of the first reviews I posted on The Site.)

Yes, you have read the title right. Blow-Up Doll Films. I didn't know what to expect when my friend Adam lent this to me. But I'll never be the same again. And Adam also told me that this DVD is really rare, so don't even email me asking "I want a copy!" or "Where can I get it?" Just live vicariously through this review.

The DVD is really a compilation of short films by two people out of L.A Steve Hall and Cathee Wilkins. They basically just bought a shitload of blowup dolls, got their home video recorder and rubbed two dolls on top of each other. But there is oh so much more to it than that.

Two of the films don't have any sex in them at all. Well, there is some sex, but it's no different than sex you find in a R-Rated movie. The first one I saw, however, was basically just about sex. Titled "Scout's Honor", it shows Candy in bed with her boyfriend Duane and she tells him she had lots of sex. We then get several flashbacks to her getting it on with her doctor and then, well...yeah.

Next up is "Deep Africa". Summer believes in aliens and wants her very own. Candy spots an ad in a paper stating this dude named The Hunter can get you your very own alien. So they call The Hunter up and he says you get the alien if you send in naked pictures. So they do and he sends them an "alien".

Summer teaches the "alien" to clean the house, but the alien wants to "phone home". Then we get a good 20 minutes of alien abuse as Summer and Candy basically beat the alien for doing various things ranging from snorting all the cocaine to eating Candy's dildo. They decide to let Kishan give him a tattoo and he gets a wicked eagle on his chest. Then, while Summer is away at a photo shoot, the "alien" breaks out, cures Candy of her PMS and we a little alien-on-human action.

Yet again let me reinstate that this is basically people off camera rubbing the ET doll against the Candy doll. Candy ends up pregnant with the aliens child. The end?

Next up is "Tonight's The Night", which could nose "Deep Africa" out as the weirdest short film out of this whole bunch. Candy is a Satanist and Summer comes over to her house. Summer says she wants a baby but doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding a man. Candy says she can whip up some Satanic sperm and inject it in Summer and 24 hours later, baby! So Candy sacrifices a sheep (Yes a blow up doll sheep. I'd love to see the looks of these film makers as they left the store with this thing.) and makes the sperm and injects it into Summer. 24 hours later, we got...THE ANTICHRIST!! Mu-hahaha!

I shouldn't even describe the next three shorts in extreme detail. I'll just say they're very sex orientated and would be EXTREMELY disturbing if they were actual humans, not blow up dolls. The good thing about blow up dolls, I guess, is you can get away with anything.

If you can find this, I recommend being very drunk and/or stoned while watching it. And
this DVD is not for the faint of heart or people with no sense of humor. And you really
shouldn't take it seriously. I mean, if you did, you'd have some problems. And I shouldn't have to say this but this is only for adults. I know, it's only blow up dolls but trust me. It's only for adults. Unless you want your child to be Marilyn Manson when he or she grows up.


Demons At The Door

(Note: This was guest written by my friend Bill Szany.)

This movie makes "The Gingerdead Man" look like "Punch Drunk Love". After looking it up on IMDB though I realized why the acting was the way it was, all of the main actors have never done anything prior to this film. Sadly, I loved it though. Yes, it's bad, but it's actually intentionally bad. Some people may argue, but they would be mistaken, because it is very obvious that this movie is meant to be goofy, despite not selling itself as a "horror/comedy".

It might not be the funniest movie ever made, but it's definitely pretty darn goofy. I would place it in the same category as "Idle Hands" and the "House" series. I'm pretty sure the graphics are not intentionally bad though, yet they are bad. "Shrek" is CG, this is like it was made on a Tandy.

I also thought it seemed like the demon on the movie cover, and that's shown only as a image in the movie for a few seconds, looked exactly like Wishmaster. Well, after looking it up on IMDB I realised why it looks like Wishmaster. It's because it is The Wishmaster. The director was the special effects makeup artist for Wishmaster 3. So apparently he must have just taken a sample from that movie and put it on the screen of this movie for two seconds for no apparent reason

The movie starts off with a bang when a Middle Eastern guy (who was probably a biker in real life and is the most American person you'll ever see in this film) attacks these archeologists while they are dusting off a door. He screams "The slut must pay!!" and throws the girl on the ground, and he opens her shirt with a rather convenient ease, and her boobs are exposed. If that's not enough of a great intro, Castellano and Jackson appear with machine guns and the Middle Eastern guy shouts "Ahhhh, John Wayne come to save a Whore!!!"

Is it even worth mentioning the plot point now? I mean either you are going to rush out to buy it right away or you will avoid it at all costs because it's quite a unique gem of a movie. Basically the plot has been done a thousand times, it's not far off from any other film about the end of time, Armageddon, and biblical predictions come to life. Only these people are trapped right at the place where the Demons are entering Earth from Hell. The "Demons"are "at the door". Get it? Good.

About ten minutes into the film we meet Uriel, an Angel who is the protector of "The Eye of Satan", a gem and another plot device of the movie. After Uriel saves them from Demons, and then giving a really long speech explaining what's going on, Castellano throws a Quarter at Uriel's chest, and says "Here's thirty-five cents. Call somebody who will swallow this bullshit!"

This movie is comedy gold. The only major problem I had with it was when they started showing more demons and they made the noises unnecessarily loud and obnoxious. I will admit I needed to take a break from it for awhile and just go online, but when I came back to it I was surprised to see the comedy pick up big time out of nowhere and it just went from annoying to outrageously goofy mode in a heartbeat.

People may be offended by the blatant fowl language (which makes Andrew Dice Clay seem like Jimmy Stewart) but it's obviously part of the whole presentation, which I totally get. The demons talk so fowl because they are Demons from Hell, hence they probably would sound as fowl in real life, one would imagine.

There's some unbelievably racist comments too which would normally be offensive but not here. All the comments are about black people and Italians to piss off the soldiers. Despite five to ten minutes at least of annoying audio, I get the movie, and I think it's awful, but I love it.

Well the only reason I bought this movie (or rather begged my girlfriend on hands and knees to buy it for me in Blockbuster) was because in really big letters on the front cover it says "Featuring Music by The Insane Clown Posse". I got overjoyed by this and decided I must own it because I love ICP. After just watching the trailer for it, I was wondering what I got myself
into. Normally I stay as far from this type of movie as humanly possible, but after I realized how goofy it was I was fine with it and just enjoyed it for all that it is. If anyone questions me on the seriousness of the movie, hopefully the ending will change your mind.

The Lift

Well, if you don't like elevators anyway, I wouldn't watch this movie. Me? Eh, I know how to survive if one starts crashing. You just fall to the floor and cry like a bitch until you die. What? That's not how you do it?

Four very annoying people get into an elevator and when it stops between floors, they nearly sufficate. Thinking something is wrong with this thing, the company send for Felix. He says there is nothing wrong with it and figures the annoying people were just too drunk.

Then more people die, including a blind dude who should've actually used his walking stick and a night watchman. When these things happen, Felix really thinks something is up. So he starts investigating...and we see every boring minute of it.

He teams up with a reporter who wants a little of the action and causes Felix's marriage to go ka-put! Mickey finds a professor who knows what's going on: apparently Mr. Chrome put in some computer chip into the elevator to make it more human...for some very strange reason. Well, the chip malfunctioned and is now killing anyone who gets on the damn thing. So it's up to Felix and Mickey to stop it! Mr. Chrome comes out of nowhere and shoots the damn thing.

Yes, he shoots an elevator. Then the elevator, in one final act, hangs him. Mickey and Felix take the stairs all the way down to the ending credits.

Ok, this movie was 95 minutes long and I summed up this entire movie in 5 paragraphs. This goes to show you how friggin boring it was. It's an amusing idea but there's only so much you can do with a killer elevator. Oh and one final flaw in this movie: the dubbing was just horrible. It was so annoying I just wanted to pull the speakers out of my TV.


Monday, June 27, 2011

House of Psychotic Women

This movie is something else. Made and starring mostly Spanish people but set in France, which just makes for an interesting film.

Jill is walking around France looking for a job. When Claude picks him up, she says he can work with her at her house as a handyman. He agrees and goes back to her house where he meets Claude's sisters, Nicole and Yvette. He gets an instant hard-on and flirts shamelessly with Nicole.

Claude gets upset/jealous when she finds out that Nicole and Jill knocked da boots. But Jill says "Hey bring your one armed hand self over here and give me some lovin'" and they proceed to do it.

Meanwhile, some killer is going around killing women and cutting their eyes out. Pierre is baffled by this and everyone seems to think Jill has something to do with it. It doesn't help any when he makes sexual advances on Yvette AND Michelle, and everyone finds out he was in prison a few years back. Even though he says he's a changed man, he still has fits of anger and has weird daydreams of choking some lady to death.

When Dr. LaBoor finds a picture of Jill in the paper and shows it to Pierre, he goes to arrest Jill. But Claude warns Jill and they go running through the mountains like it's the sound of music or something. Before Jill can escape he gets shot about 500 times and finally, to add insult to injury, gets caught in a bear trap.

Now the main character is dead, the movie should be over with, right? Well...nope. Michelle is walking to the house when she's attacked. She manages to stop the attacker, but that doesn't stop him...or her I should say. It's revealed that the one going around killing everyone is none other then Yvette! And she can really walk! Yvette kills Michelle using a wheelchair (I don't even know how to describe this, just take my word for it) but then ANOTHER masked figure kills Yvette.

This is beginning to feel like "Wild Things".

Pierre apparently found a big ol' box out in the woods labeled "Whodunit and why" cause suddenly he knows the answer. He explains that LaBoor hypnotized Yvette to walk around, killing blonde women and cutting their eyes out, because he once had a daughter with blue eyes but she died somehow and LaBoor isn't quite right in the head. He plans on taking these eyes and transplanting them to his quite dead daughter. Nicole found all this out early on and was killed. LaBoor freaks out and runs into a secret room in his office where his dead daughter is, slowly being eaten by maggots. It's a fun scene. And thankfully it's over.

Now you're asking yourself, "But Jason, where does the house of psychotic women fit in?" Well...unless there's some unknown storyline involving Nicole and Claude, the only psycho was Yvette and that was just under hypnosis. So the title has me baffled. I just remembered when I first found out about this movie I thought it was porno. Boy was I wrong. And be sure to pay attention to the music used in this movie. It sounds like rejected game show music.
I'll be back on Wednesday.


Hard Bastard

(Note: Seriously, none of the characters in this movie had names. Both me and my friend Bill have seen this movie so many times we can probably quote it.)

Ohh kung-fu movies. No wonder guys like them so much. There's so little plot and a whole lot of fighting for no reason. There are several reasons why this movie is possibly the best one I've seen. One thing is the title obviously. The second thing is the performances. I don't even know how to put it into words. The Main Bastard's facial features, The British Bastard's accent, The Main Gangster Bastard's "WHAT?!" scenes, this movie is just priceless.

What little plot that this movie has goes likes this: our three Bastard friends, after breaking into some guy's house and stealing musical instraments, go to some dock to sell some fake medicine/remedy that'll "cure anything and make anyone stronger". One funny moment is when a lady asks if it cures farting.

The Main Gangster Bastard finds out that our three bastard friends is on the dock without paying some fee to stay on the dock. The Main Bastard fights off The Throwaway Bastard's left and right. This takes up about 25 minutes of the movie.

The Main Bastard befriends The Old Bastard and is rather jealous that he can fight better than he can, which is baffling because The Main Bastard fights pretty damn well. There's another plot involving The Other Bastard and The Female Bastard and there may or may not be a romance. The Main Bastard gets jealous and falls for Stripper Bastard.

The Old Bastard picks up his noodle stand and leaves the dock because he fought off some Throwaway Bastards. He decides he's a street psychic and he goes ahead and teaches The Main Bastard how to fight. This consists of him "pretending to be from America" and wearing a really bad disguise. This is done so The Main Bastard can save The Stripper Bastard, somehow.

The plot gets more confusing as everyone is mad at each other for reasons unknown. Somehow The British Bastard & The Stripper Bastard get kidnapped and The Main Bastard and Female Bastard team up to save them, which is ironic. Then somehow The Stripper Bastard, The Other Bastard, and The Main Gangster Bastard get killed in some sort of triple/double cross.

Thinking enough is enough, the remaining characters team up and kick the remaining Throwaway Bastard's until they're all dead. This all takes place on a beach and it ends rather abruptly.

This review might not have made much sense, but watching the movie won't make things much clearer. This, and any kung fu movie, exist only for people to watch other
people kick people's asses. It is rather amusing though.
You bastard.



(Note: Hello and welcome to day two of "Transfer this crap from The Site to The Blog" week. I'll probably post three reviews today, so just sit back and enjoy the ride!)

Things kick off with some KKK members in a cave somewhere doing something. The whole thing is pretty dark so it's hard to make things out. Turns out one of the KKK members is a chick with nice tits. I didn't know the KKK allowed women in the KKK. "Color" me surprised. (Get it? "Color"?)

Well, turns out they DON'T allow women in the KKK, nice tits or not, cause some other guys find her doing something in the dark and immediately shackle her to the cave wall. Soon, her left hand is cut off. When this happens we get a nice quick shot of what I guess is the Devil standing in silhouette form, holding a stick. We then find out that the hand is possessed! Yep, much like in "Idle Hands".

In fact, this movie could serve as a prequel to "Idle Hands", since it wasn't explained in that movie why or how that whole thing happened to begin with. I suppose this is as good enough of an explanation as we're gonna get.

So the KKK members take the hand and throw it in this little hand box (sorry, no hand bag jokes here) where it lays to rest. Fast forward to, oh let's say, 200 million years later. The husband and wife team of Mark and Jennifer Baines are now in Mexico and they're archeologist or miners or something. What they're doing here isn't totally explained.

But they hired some superstitious Mexican workers who refuse to enter the cave/mine thing. Jennifer's line of thinking is "If they see a woman go into the cave thingy and then come out alive, they'll just HAVE to go in." Cause all Mexican miners are sexist I guess.

Mark and Jennifer go into the cave and prove they suck at their job by tripping over everything and nearly destroying the cave. Mark falls down a hole and finds an old altar with some demon figures around. On the altar is the hand box from earlier! Mark thinks it's a good idea to take it. And proving Jennifer wrong, when she comes out of the cave, the Mexicans says "Fuck this" and leave.

Later at their hotel, Jennifer is asleep in sexy lingerie waiting to get boned but Mark is drinking himself to death. He decides to grab the hand box and open it but inside is nothing but dust or ash or dirt or something. Disappointed, Mark goes to sleep sloppy drunk. I'm sure Jennifer appreciated the smell.

Soon, the dust forms into a hand and comes alive. It makes it way to the smelly bed and starts fingering Jennifer. Ok, not really. It just rubs her leg. This wakes her up and she freaks out. Mark wakes up and instantly does battle with the hand, until it vanishes. Mark declares the whole event has a drunken dream and leaves the hotel room. Jennifer shrugs her shoulders and goes back to sleep.

The next morning, Jennifer shows up at the cave thing and learns her husband forced all the Mexican miners inside. Then we see him outside the cave and he blows it all up to hell, I'm guessing trapping the miners. Jennifer is like "NO! Mark!" but Mark high tails it.

You know, I thought I was the only one to go to Las Vegas right after I blow up a cave in Mexico, killing a bunch of miners. I'm glad to know I'm not. Mark does that exact thing, playing at the craps table. We see a shady guy pointing at Mark and sending a hot piece of ass over.

Jennifer must know that after any killing spree, Mark goes to Vegas, cause she shows up looking for him. For some reason, the hotel guy doesn't believe she's Mark's wife and tells her to fuck off. Instead of just wandering around the casino, Jennifer stands around, pouting.

Eventually, Mark leaves with the hot piece of ass, but is attacked in the parking lot by the shady guy. Soon, they're back in Mexico and shady guy has Mark chained to a desk. Shady wants to know how Mark got so lucky in Vegas but he won't tell. After threatening to cut his hands off, Mark gets superhuman strength and frees himself from the chains and kills hot piece of ass and Shady. Mark then finds some gas and he lights himself on fire, but the hand digs itself in the dirt so it doesn't get burnt.

Mark's body is buried in L.A and Father Cunningham is looking over the body. Jennifer shows up, blathering on about her husband's hand, and Father just wants her to shut up so he shows her the grave, where it's clearly been broken OUT of. The rest of this scene happens in the dark and this movie can't afford lights so I'm only guessing what happens next.

An elephant shows up in a tutu and starts playing the piano while a teenage girl screams.
A car horn shows up, to do battle with the unicorn. A cop tries to break all this up but Mark's dead body is trampled by the elephant and the hand appears in the cop's car somehow. I think a prosthetic limb was also involved.

Ok, blah blah blah, the hand possesses a cop that showed up at some point. Father Cunningham shows up at a boxing place and starts sparring with the cop, until the cop sees the cross on Father and he flees like a vampire. The Father reports back to Jennifer that he didn't find any of that unusual.

Jennifer is about to leave the church when the cop shows up and arrests Jennifer for renting a car. But the cop takes her to some doctor's office where the cop makes the doctor cut off the possessed hand. The reason for this is because the hand now belongs to Jennifer, since she and Mark found it.

The cop handcuffs Jennifer to a chair and the doctor and nurse seem rather cool about cutting off this dude's hand, gunpoint or not. They get the hand cut off and Jennifer then realizes that she's only handcuffed to the arm rest and she could've pulled the handcuff out this entire time. I dunno who's more stupid here, the cop or Jennifer.

Father, meanwhile, thinks he's Father Dowling and does some deduction work. He spots Jennifer's rental car outside with the keys still in the trunk lock. Somehow he realizes where she's at and hitches a ride with another cop to the doctor's office. Oh, and it's the next day now.

At the doctor's office, the hand kills the cop and takes over the doctor, who killed the nurse and is taking his sweet time possessing Jennifer. Thankfully, Father arrives in time. The sight of Father scares the doctor and he runs.

So now a chase scene occurs which ends at a train yard. The doctor jumps onto a moving train, which I'll admit was pretty bad ass. But what's not so bad ass is getting knocked off by a post. When this happens, the doctor sticks the hand under the train's wheels, separating it from him. The hand grabs a ride on the train and goes out of town.

Well, not really. Later, that night, Jennifer is about to go to bed when she spots the hand waiting for her there. She freaks out and again Father just happens to know this is happening and is there. Maybe he was there to spy on her getting undressed. Maybe he made that Erin Andrew's tape.


Despite Jennifer saying throughout the movie "We must destroy the hand!" she keeps running away from it. Father takes her back to the Church where surely she's safe. Well, no, she's not. And don't call me Shirley. Yeah, sorry, I had to. I hope you understand.

Man, I wish I could take a screen grab of this cause the Father tells her to change into some random clothes he has and she comes out wearing a white button down shirt, black
slacks, suspenders, and a belt. No idea, man. But soon, the phone and the lights go off and the hand appears inside the church.

Well, ok, so it can go into the church but it can't possess the Father cause it's been scared of him throughout the whole movie, right? Well...wrong! Possess the Father it does and soon he starts chasing Jennifer around. To be honest, Jennifer doesn't really do much in this entire movie but look bored at the idea of being chased by a possessed hand and letting the Father do all the work.

Father traps the hand in some glass thing and soon uses a blow torch to roast the hand alive, while reciting some passage from the bible, which makes the entire scene some sort of metaphor. The next day, the Father and Jennifer go on a boat and throw the burnt remains into the ocean.

Well, this is a horror movie so here's your twist. Jennifer is cleaning the Father's house. Why? I guess she fell in love with him or something. I dunno. Anyway, there's a knock on the door and on the way to answer it, Jennifer spots some puddles. The person knocking is a delivery guy and he gives her some box. Ah-ha! You're thinking what I was thinking, right?

Jennifer takes her time opening the box, building the tension and/or padding the ending, finding puddles everywhere. I dunno where the Father is during all this. Maybe he's giving a one-handed Mass. That could be taken both ways.

Finally, Jennifer opens the box and inside it is....a candle and some seaweed. Now that we know the hand isn't inside the box, we do know the hand sent it. I dunno if the cover of the box said "FROM THE HAND TO JENNIFER @ THE CHURCH" or what. Jennifer goes into the kitchen and sure enough, the hand is waiting inside the sink. It jumps onto Jennifer and literally spins her right 'round baby right 'round like a record, baby. Until she falls into a glass table and cue ending credits!

Well, that was uninspired. This movie starts off kind of ok, then eventually gets unintentionally hilarious to downright stupid. The only good thing is that it's pretty short, coming in at 1 hour and 15 minutes. Overall, I think this would be good MST3K material, minus the boobage shot in the beginning. Oh, yes, there were boobies. How else did I know that chick had nice tits?


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Battle of the Worlds

(Note: I'm just moving this one here to The Blog because I can't find a DVD copy of it, and frankly I don't really care to dig that deep.)

This movie is really boring. That kinda sucks since it's about a cranky scientist and a planet that moves on its own whose inhabitants are dead aliens. But sadly, any excitement is killed off by endless scenes of astronauts in space ships looking like they have to take a crap and said cranky scientist trying to talk to a bunch of disembodied heads, pleading they heed his words. I guess you want to hear about it a little bit more in depth. Ok, fine.

We start off with Fred half naked and swimming in a lake/ocean/pond/ some source of water. I should point out that we never find out where this lake/source of water is, or where most of these characters hang out are at. I'm going to go on a limb, though, and say it's probably Italy, only because everyone is dubbed, and most of the credits feature Italian people. Anyway, Fred is swimming half naked when Eve runs up shouting forhim. Fred pulls her in and we get a sweet shot of Eve all wet while wearing white. I guess she wins the Wet T-shirt contest by default.

Anyway, Eve tells her this guy named George wants to see him about something. So he dries up and pays a visit. George tells Fred some boring science-y stuff about airwaves and gravity and stuff (I tried to pay attention, but frankly talk like this bores me) and George freaks out about something. George runs out of the room where a chick, who I think is suppose to be a secretary, asks, "Why is Fishface so worked up?" This is gonna be the best line in the whole movie and it's only 5 minutes in.

Fishface runs to Dr. Cornfield and shows him whatever it is he found out. What he found out is that some giant ass thing is heading toward Earth, but it's moving kinda slow so there's not much of a danger of impact, but it's all possible. Fred states he knew about it for some time but it didn't bother him. As punishment for not telling everyone and putting everyone's lives in danger, he becomes head of FEMA. Er, I mean, he must go visit "the old man".

The Old Man turns out to be Benson (Not THAT Benson), who lives in his greenhouse with his dog. Fred walks in and immediately gets chewed out by Benson, but then states that he knew about this thing for a while now, and shows a potted planet with some numbers and other science stuff written all over it. Fred studies it and says, "Uhhh, yep. This is it." Benson then states that "them idiots on Mars" should've seen the planet way before anyone here on crummy ol' Earth.

We then get a shot of Mars, where a base station is set up. So I guess this is the future? Yet again, no idea, it's never said. Maybe the film makers should've just handed us the plot in three paragraphs and told us to make our own damn movie.

There's something going on that has Bob, who runs this little base on Mars, all worked up. Apparently a ship has lost control but we don't know why. We do eventually figure it out, so at least the movie is willing to share SOME information. Bob sends up another ship to rescue them and the rescue ship is full of constipated people. See, I wish I was able to take screen caps, so you could see I'm not making this up. The people in the crashing ship leave and in an effect that looks like my 8-year-old sister cobbled up together, two toy figures representing the astronauts randomly fly from one ship to the other. This doesn't make sense, I mean they just hurled themselves toward the ship? And they went pretty fast too. I guess in space, in the future, things up there is gonna go a lot faster then it is now.

The hapless astronauts are saved, but now THIS ship is about to go down and we figure out why. They're close to this planet that came out of nowhere and headed toward Earth. Oh and in case you haven't figured it out, this is the thing that was discussed earlier.

Now that everyone on Earth knows about it, they need a way to stop it from colliding with Earth. They reject the idea of sending some oil drillers up there to break it in half, cause that just sounds stupid, I mean, who'd do that? Instead, Benson insists everyone leaves it alone cause it won't crash into the Earth.

After a weird awkward edit and jump cut, Eve is running out of Fred's, I'm gonna say house, that's way up on a cliff, and involves 800 flights of stairs to get back and forth from. Fred calls out to Eve, but she decides to dis his macho self and latch onto the cranky old man. Eve states that Benson was right, it didn't crash, but instead it's just orbiting the planet.

This causes Benson to freak out and he immediately knows that the planet is still gonna destroy the earth, even giving it a countdown of 810 hours. Thankfully, he didn't say 525,600 minutes, otherwise he'd have AIDS and he wouldn't be able to pay his rent. Oh, and Benson thinks we should NOW blow it up.

Now, this seems like a basic plot idea. An alien planet somehow travels to Earth, remains in orbit with us, and in roughly 800 hours, it's gonna attack. So if a good screenwriter wrote this, some kind of battle would play out with us versus them, maybe even people stranded on the alien planet and fighting within. But no, instead we get some more boring science stuff.

See, because this planet is in orbit with us, it's gonna cause all kinds of fucked up weather problems, which I guess is the official cause of El Nino. Benson leaves his greenhouse for once and talks to "The Heads of The Nation Committee" or something long sounding like that. Benson gives a long speech about the planet and how it'll destroy us and that he should lead the expedition to the planet to explore it. The Head Head says "No, it's war!" which causes Benson to say "Ah yes. And I'm not of draft age." Ha-ha...but I am...Ha-ha...hey, wait.

Ok, I'm back from shooting myself in the foot. And a war has started. Bob is suppose to go up and blow the planet up. Kathy wants to go along because she loves him so damn much and they never want to be separated for the rest of their lives. In movie speak, that means one of them is gonna die. I'm gonna say right here and now if I ever become part of some group that's gonna do something remotely dangerous, I'm making sure everyone is single before leaving. Because as you know "Attached man/woman=certain doom". It's even worse if said person has kids, and if they haven't seen them in a few years, just blow yourselves up now and get it over with.

For some reason, Bob allows Kathy to go up there. Fred wants to go too because Eve left him for Benson, which comes as a shock to Eve. Hey, babe, you been leaving poor Fred to look at Hustler all these nights while you feed this old dude Viagra. Don't be that shocked. Benson allows Fred to go and off they go.

Up in space, one ship head toward the planet and before it can blow it up, a bunch of tiny saucers come out of nowhere and attack the ship. But that ship was full of old guys, so don't worry. And I'm sure they all haven't seen their wives and kids since World War Two. Realizing that anytime one of their ships goes near the planet, these saucers come out and attack, they try to trick them into shooting each other.

While flying around all Hans Solo like, one of them gets super close to Earth and our gravity causes it to weeble wobble, but not fall down. The other saucers retreat. Finally, the wobbly saucer crashes to Earth. Bob didn't tell the people of Earth about this, so I guess we have to assume this thing took out an entire village or city or something.

Benson tells Fred to grab whatever's inside and bring it to him immediately. Inside the saucer is just a cylinder thing with light in it. Kinda like a florescent bulb, but thicker, like Ron Jeremy size. (Oh, you were thinking it too.) Fred brings it to Benson and Benson studies it.

He realizes the light is some kind of communicating device and it's linked to whatever's on the planet. Benson then freaks out Bob, Kathy, Fred, Dr. Cornfield, and Eve when he starts laughing like a maniac and says, "IT'S LIKE MUSIC!!! I'LL COMPOSE THE MUSIC!!!! AND YOU'LL PLAY IT!!!!!". Now we know what happened to Mozart.

So they all head back into space, play this "music", which just sounds like sci-fi noise to me, and this causes all the other saucers to crash into I'll come into you.

Er...sorry. Crash into each other.

On Earth, Benson is throwing another temper tantrum when he insists he goes up and studies the planet before they (the military) blow it up. He says he learned from the light that there are some smart beings on the planet and he wants to study them. The Head Head says, "Ok, but you got three hours then we're blowing it to hell!".

So this time Benson tags along with Bob, Boyd, Kathy, Fred, and Eve to the planet to check it out. Benson, who got a psychic link with the planet a la "E.T", guides them to below the planet, where a bunch of dead aliens are. Well, he says they're dead aliens. I just see some black dots on the ground. And a more giant version of the florescent light is here, this time John Holmes size. Some dude who looks like Jerry Orbach tells Bob that the missile is gonna be launched in 5 minutes so hurry the fuck up already.

Benson insists on communicating with the John Holmes Light and runs off. Eve, who still has her crush, goes after him. Then Fred goes after her, causing Bob to go after him, causing Kathy to go after him. Boyd says "Fuck this" and goes back to the ship to beg Jerry Orbach to give them more time.

Jerry then puts Baby in the corner and launches the missile. Benson tells Eve to go back with Fred, who comes along. He drags Eve away and they get lost, along with Bob and Kathy. Kathy simply trips on a rock and falls down, but for some reason this makes her give up on life and tells them to leave her behind. Bob says "NO! I wanna break this stereotype right here and now!" and drags her along. Meanwhile Race Bannon is crying like a bitch when Bob and company show up. They launch. Benson is talking to John Holmes Light and says "I KNOW EVERYTHING!! AND YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME!" In other words, Benson knows the meaning of life now, but because the military are war mongers, they decide to blow it up. And oh boy, what an explosion. I think it actually did come from a Jonny Quest cartoon.

Eve cries out, "So long, professor...and thanks for all the fish." Kathy is lying down, apparently sick from tripping on a rock, and decides to play into the stereotype and die. Then Benson's dog runs to the greenhouse window, whimpers, and stares up in the sky.

And...fade to black.

I probably made the movie sound 10 million times more exciting then it really is. And it would've been exciting if we didn't get all this weird Technobabble throughout the movie. Oh, and I did forget about a female character, but she wasn't given a name and she didn't do much except taunt Fred and Eve every now and then.


House of the Dead

(Note: This was originally on The Site, but I've moved it over to here because, let's be honest, I'm never gonna feel like watching this piece of shit movie again to update the review and add images. So here it goes. Enjoy!)

The very beginning of the movie should've warned me. I should've just stopped it, rewound it, and declared the first movie I've ever reviewed where I gave up at the opening credits. But alas, I feel I got something to prove so I continued to watched. And now I am one of the many people who can say they survived "House of The Dead".

The thing that tipped me off was the previews for a Tara Reid movie where she marrys some dude and when he takes her to some island, it becomes "The Shining" only set on an island. Then this movie starts and not only did the filmmakers decide to be clever and include snippets of the video game this movie is based on during the credits, it's done while TECHNO music plays. Yes, the evil that is Techno. And now it pains me to present this movie to you, dear reader. It pains me so.

After the god awful credit sequence, we get a bunch of people with names like Greg, Simon, Cynthia, Alicia, and even "Karma". Karma is the only black person in this movie. So the African-Americans are represented by a chick who looks like Ananda Lewis named Karma. They wanna go to this island that is hosting a rave, which why it's on a FUCKIN island is beyond me...

Ok, I'm angry at this movie, expect more lashing outs like that. Anyway, they miss the rave boat and decide to pay some salty captain to take them. Not only was the mention of a rave a sign I should've given up, but the fact the ONLY star power this movie has is, and I kid you not, Clint Howard. He plays the assistant (Or Gilligan if you will) to the captain of the boat, Captain Kirk. Yes, Captain Kirk. NOW do you understand why I hate this movie?

Greg pays Captain Kirk a thousand dollars to take them to the island. Clint Howard freaks out, not wanting to go, but Kirk says hell with it and takes off. While they are leaving, the coast guard, or the INS, or some other vague goverment thing is trying to stop Kirk from leaving shore. He gives them the finger and takes off.

They arrive at the island and it turns out Kirk and Clint (He had a name in the movie but I'll be damned if I'm gonna try to rack my brain to remember it) has some illegal stuff on board. So they take the opportunity to hide this stuff while the kids go rave.

But they find the rave is empty. Not thinking about any of this, they decide to start drinking and fuckin', but Alicia, the hot chick who's also somewhat smarter than the others, decides to look for everyone. Simon and Karma come with while Greg and Cynthia stay behind and make immature ejaculation jokes.

They come upon a house, the titular "House of The Dead" if you will, and find another group of people named Hugh, Rudy, and Liberty, who is representing the Asian community by wearing a revealing jumpsuit that is colored red, white, and blue, which I guess is why she is named that. Hugh, a camera guy who probably works for "Girls Gone Wild", videotapes the reason why the rave was abandoned. Frankly, I would abandon a rave anyway, but the main reason is because a shitload of zombies started attacking everyone. Hugh, Rudy, and Liberty were the only survivors. They all agree they should hightail it off the island, so they all head back to Kirk's "wessel", er vessel.

While they decide to pick up Greg and Cynthia, they run into some zombies themselves, one of them including Cynthia. They manage to stop them, and everyone freaks out cause Cynthia is dead, which is weird because she seemed kinda flaky and probably wasn't a good friend.

They make it to the shore where they find Kirk's boat is under attack by Klingons, er I mean, zombies. Kirk is doing a good job shooting them, but then they team up with the U.S.C.G/INS/Vague Government Agent Casper (A Lady btw), and she helps them shoot
the zombies. Now, I was already about to burn this damn movie but then they say something that makes absolutely no sense. Instead of going onto Kirk's boat and taking off, they say
"But what if more zombies are on the boat? We can't risk it. Let's go back to the MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE OF THE FUCKING DEAD CAUSE WE'RE MORONS!!"

Sorry. I'll go see a therapist when I'm done here.

Anyway, so what if there are more zombies on the boat? Just shoot them or push them overboard. How many could there be on a fuckin boat? Jesus...

So they go, with Kirk giving them a shitload more weapons. What follows next is a scene that went on for so long, and I'm not making this up, I left, ate 15 tacos in the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, vaccumed my room, rearranged the living room, took a shower (While I lather, rinse, and repeated), and called for tech support (Which was about 45 minutes right there), and when I came back, the scene was still going on.

The only way to describe the scene is this. Imagine if the dudes who made "The Matrix" made a zombie movie. People were flying in mid air, bullets were floating, zombies wore dark sunglasses and said "Mr. Anderson" a lot, the whole works. The same crap went on and on and on, until FINALLY they tried to get into the fuckin' house of the dead. Casper (The agent in case you forgot, cause I did after that scene) climbed into the window but a shitload of zombies ate her legs off. So Rudy, who by the way looked like Bruce Campbell so I think they were going for the whole "Evil Dead" thing here, went in and opened the door to let the rest of the gang in.

Oh, Liberty didn't make it either. Oh, and neither did Greg.

Inside the house, Karma consoles Simon because a zombie spit acid on his face and because he's a model (EXCUUUUSE ME!!), he's rather depressed, so she decides to give him a blow job. Ok, no but I wish she did to make up for that long ass scene earlier.

Rudy, who turns out use to date Alicia (WOW!!! WHAT A SMALL FUCKIN WORLD!!! DIE MOVIE DIE!!!..sorry), decide to suck face also. Kirk got bit on the leg and can't walk...except he does when he hears Clint Howard (Remember him?) outside. He became a zombie, so Kirk decides to blow him, and himself, up, which he does.

So who's left? Who really cares but in case you do: Karma, Alicia, Simon, and Rudy. They manage to hide out in the basement where we get a shitload of backstory. Apparently in the 1500's, some Spanish dude named Costello was banned from Spain for doing evil medicine. He killed everyone on the ship that was taking him somewhere and came to the present island we are at. He then decided he wanted to live forever, so he tinkered around with mutated blood, which brings people back to life, which...somehow...makes forever...


I'm ok...really.

Anyway, more zombies attack and Simon, who doesn't wanna live anymore cause he can't be a model anymore, decides to blow up the entire place while Karma, Alicia, and Rudy escape. They find a underground tunnel where they shoot at zombies all willy nilly, but they eventually overpower Karma and she dies.

Ahh...all the minorities are dead, and it's a Spanish dude's fault there are zombies. Why not have the remaining people don white hoods and burn crosses?

Anyway, Costello snags Rudy and Alicia and tells them stuff we already knew (He created zombies cause he wanted to live longer, this didn't make sense the first time around), and says he's gonna do something with their skin but we don't find out what cause Rudy decides to fence with Costello, which lasts about another 3 hours while I painted my house.

It suddenly becomes morning outside, Costello stabs Alicia in her nice boobies, and Rudy chops off Costello's head. Then a helicopter, which somehow knew to go there, arrives and saves Rudy and Alicia.

But wait, you're asking, I shouldn't really care but I thought Alicia was don't mean he could...EWWW!!!

Yep. You are correct. Join me in my hatred, won't you?

So just in case you didn't pick up on it, I hate this movie. If the chick who played Alicia wasn't in it I would've stabbed my eyes out a long time ago. She was the only one that made this movie worthwhile. But, it still sucks and if I ever see this movie again I'm destroying the TV set it's playing on. So don't play this movie if you're expecting me over to your house.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Updated Review: There's Nothing Out There

Also known as "Invasion of the B-Movies: The Movie!"

There's Nothing Out There


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Horror Thursday: Siren

People normally like it when I get angry in a review, so this week I rented a movie from Redbox. What does that have to do with anything? Read and find out.



Tuesday, June 21, 2011


If you seen my recent DVD collection video, you know a few things:

1. I have a lot of DVD's.
2. I have some in alphabetical order.
3. I have too much free times on my hands.

Lately, the alphabetical part of my collection has been bothering me and wanted to shake things up a bit by putting them in a different order. But how should I categorize them?

I could do by actors, but when I'm asked who my favorite actor/actress is I come up blank because I don't REALLY have a favorite per se. I think Adam Sandler is funny but is he my MOST favorite actor? Jason Statham is a British Bruce Willis, so they're pretty much the same guy. Which one of them would I choose? As for actresses, well, I find a lot of them hot. I mean really HOT, so picking a favorite female is a bit hard.

(Ooh giggity, see what I did there?)

There's director's, and I do have a lot of Tarantino, Kevin Smith, and Hitchcock films in my collection but that's about it. I mean did the guy who made "Bingo" do anything else? Probably not.

I guess that leaves genre. I've toyed with this. Now that I've been dubbed THE horror guy (you other horror guys kinda stand in my shadow mu hahahaha!)* (Why didn't I win funniest writer again?) I'm sure I have a shit ton of horror films, so my entire collection is going to be one sided.

Then you have the TV shows. Should those stay seperated or should I try to genre-fy them too? Can "Airplane" sit next to "Seinfeld Season 1"? Probably, but it'd be kinda weird.

So I got some thinking to do on this. Meanwhile, I'll ask you dear reader, how do you have your DVD collection organized?

*Note: I'm totally kidding about this, so don't send me any nasty emails or comments or whatever. We're all a family or something.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Soto List: The NEVER Edition

Now that I'm a three-time award winning blogger/reviewer, and I've set myself up to review NOTHING but horror movies for the next year (I have to let you in on one exception which was put into motion a few months ago prior to the LAMMY's: There will be two Segal films that will be reviewed on The Site. But AFTER THOSE...look out!) and while thinking about what I'll be watching for the next year, I thought about some movies that either I've seen, or only heard about through trailers and other people, and told myself "I am never going to review that on The Blog/Site as long as I live" for various reasons.

So this list are those movies. These are the Top 5 Movies I Will Never Review on Invasion of the B Movies!

5. Anti-Christ

I'll admit I'm intreged by the title when I learned what the movie is about. But I dunno if I'm that curious. The trailer shows Willam Dafoe's naked ass and after watching Tommy Wiseau's ass being displayed, I keep my man ass down to a minimal. Then there's the shit I heard that happens in the third act and...yeah, probably not watching this anytime soon.

4. Begotten

Watch that, imagine an hour and 20 minutes of stuff like that, and tell me what the fuck I'm suppose to say? Exactly. And there was some audio but it was removed due to copyright? Really?

3. Vistor Q

The film that made me lose street cred to Nick. When I saw it, it was early in my website days, before I seen as many fucked up shit as I've seen now. And before "Martyrs". Back then, a movie about necrophilia, incest, and abuse towards your mother kinda fucked me up. Now, I'd probably just go "eh", like Nick did. But I don't really wanna watch it again.

2. I Spit On Your Grave

Yeah, I'm never watching this movie ever again. I don't care. I MIGHT check out the remake, but I get the feeling I'm gonna feel the same way. And yes, even after watching "Martyrs", I still find this disturbing.

1. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

Imagine that, the trailer's not up on Youtube. Well, I'll tell you what's in store and if you're still curious, you can click the link to the official webpage that has the trailer. Ready?

Vomit gore. That's it. Oh, and it's made by the Church of Satan people. So keep those two things in mind. And when I say "vomit gore", the trailer shows people ACTUALLY vomitting, repeatedly, and at great lengths. I don't know what else to say, which is why I am never, in my fucking life, watching this movie.

If you feel the need, here's the site. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now, I didn't put "Martyrs" on this list cause I reviewed it over at "Man, I Love Films" and I'm sure there are some others I'm forgetting. But these are the five that I thought of. I toyed with "Last House on the Left" but I was really young when I watched that, so maybe I'll give that one more shot. I doubt I'm gonna like it, but you never know.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Lair of the Unwanted #18: Oh...Canada

Jason and Nolahn take a trip North of the border to take on some Canuxploitation films. What are Canuxploitation films? Well, you're gonna have to listen to find out!

First up, is the Jamie Lee Curtis horror flick "Terror Train" featuring a surprise cameo by David Copperfield. Then the most unbelieveable movie we've ever reviewed called "Rock n Roll Nightmare"! ROCK!

Also in this episode, we come clean by revealing what's the most Canadian thing we've ever done and talk about some future projects.

As always, email us at or go to the Facebook page at

Please check out for more reviews of good ol' Canadian B-Movies!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hell No I Won't Post!


This week, the LAMMY Winners are being announced and because the universe likes making me squirm (despite the medication) the category I'm nominated in normally gets unvieled the third to last day. Which means I have to wait another 4 days or so? So I'm not doing another post until I am declared winner!! Oh....ummm....I meant until SOMEONE is declared winner. Yeah.

Until then, I shall tell you about seeing "The Room" for the 6th time in my life. It was a midnight showing at the local art theater here in Indianapolis. Sadly, Tommy Wiseau wasn't present, otherwise I would've tried to get a better picture of him. But as my new tradition, the only time I'll watch this movie is if I can take someone who has never seen it before because I get a greater joy now from watching their first reactions to the film.

The person I took, who'll I'll just identify by first name Brenda, never seen it before. I've known Brenda for so long we met on Myspace. Yeah kids, THAT long ago! Anyway, Brenda is a friend of a friend and we became friends due to our love of shitty movies and being funny.

When it was revealed that she has never seen the movie, I knew I had to rectify this. Once I learned about the midnight screening, I more or less forced her to buy a ticket and come with. Ok, I didn't force, she was more than happy to go.

We get to the theater and the theater it's being shown in looks like your standard multiplex theater, so there's not a lot of seats, which compared to the first time I seen it in a theater is a bit dissapointing, but whatever. People showed up in Tux's, and they bought a football and threw it while standing 2 feet apart. We had spoons. It was magical.

And the movie starts. The instant Tommy Wiseau walks on screen, Brenda starts laughing and I don't think she ever stop. Especially when the slow jam came on and there was all kinds of sex going on, she was laughing. And she threw spoons. And just kept on laughing. I'm sure she's still sore to this day from all that laughing.

With the movie over, I have learned she is now a fan of "The Room" and I have convereted another person. It is awesome to be able to do that. Brenda also told me about a movie SHE loves a lot and thinks I should see. That will be coming later.

So the moral of the story is, I won't be doing any posts until I win Best Horror/Sci-Fi Lammy. I mean....when the winner of Best Horror/Sci-Fi is announced. In two weeks.

PS: I realize I could bribe and/or ask Rachel nicely to announce that category early, but I have more fun doing it this way.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Horror Thursday: The Human Centipede

This might seem familar to you guys reading this blog, but I decided to post my thoughts about "The Human Centipede" over at "Man, I Love Films" because it was reported this week that it's sequel will be banned in England and everybody sort of freaked the fuck out.

What can I say, I love timing and controversy!


Tuesday, June 07, 2011

B-Movie Meatloaf: Octaman

For this month's B-Movie Meatloaf over at, it was chosen that we take on some Mexican Horror Movies. Which isn't as easy as American Horror Movies or Japanese Horror Movies or even Canadian Horror Movies. So after scanning IMDB and Wikipedia, I quickly learned that the 1971 film "Octaman" is available on Netflix Instant Watch.

And boy, is "Octaman" a Mexican horror film. It takes place in Mexico, half the cast is Mexican, and one character is SOOOO Mexican he spends the entire film in a poncho, wearing a sombrero and humming Traditional Mexican songs. There's a TV and film cliche called "The Magical Negro" where among a cast of white people, there's one black guy who saves the day or is able to conjure up something at the last second to save everyone's life. Well, I called this guy "The Magical Hispanic".

"Octaman" starts with our hero Rick, who is some scientist of some sort, studying the waters in some town in Mexico. Someone on his team found a weird tiny octopus, which looks like it's made of rubber and was painted by a 4th grader. Rick studies this and pretends it's a great find. He wants to take it to some town to have a big wig scientist study it and and give him more money to keep looking for these creatures.

When Rick arrives, the octopus is dead and the big wig scientist isn't too impressed. Not one to be rejected, he turns to some rich guy named Johnny to help fund this project. Johnny says sure...if he can capture the creature and put in some freak show! Oh, one of THOSE types.

Rick agrees cause he needs money and Johnny has an RV which makes Rick even more happy. Back at camp, one of Rick's guys is attacked by the Octaman, and this thing is HI-LARIOUS! It's CLEARLY a guy in a suit with 8 octopus arms attached everywhere. The Octaman attacks and instantly kills the guy. Rick returns to find the guy dead.

So with the lesser characters out of the way, we meet the rest of Rick's crew! Johnny bought along Steve, who's a sleazy cowboy guy. There's Mort, another scientist guy. There's Devito, the Magical Hispanic. And of course, there's only one female, Susanne, and she's engaged to Rick.

By now, you probably can tell what's going to happen. The first 20 minutes of this movie is fuckin' hilarious when they give us shots of the Octaman and the small octopi running around. Devito just being all magical is great. Then kind of out of nowhere, everything slows the fuck down.

We get boring shots of Rick and his crew looking for the Octaman. Devito keeps talking about magical things. Then the film kinda goes into a loop. Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave to look for the Octaman, leaving Susanne and Johnny behind at camp. The Octaman shows up, attacks Johnny, Susanne screams her head off alerting Rick and crew and they rush back, shoot Octaman, and he goes scampering away.

Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave again, Johnny STAYS BEHIND again with Susanne, and Octaman shows up AGAIN, attacks Johnny again, and Susanne alerts Rick so they rush back, attack Octaman and he scamps off. Guess what happens after that?

Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave, Johnny STILL STAYS behind with Susanne, and Octaman shows up. THIS TIME, he attacks Johnny and Susanne, and decides to take her. So here's a question I have: in all these monster movies, the monster goes after the chick and kidnaps her. What does the monster plan on doing with the girl? It's not like these monsters have dicks. And think about King Kong. How was THAT going to work? Was Fay Wray/Naomi Watts suppose to just run up and down his dick until he cums? I mean really? Someone have an explaination? Someone?


Rick returns, finds Susanne gone and goes after Octaman. They distract him with a flashlight while Rick lights a fire AROUND Octaman AND Susanne. Rick manages to get Susanne without burning her and Octaman passes out. They put him in a net and then...they all talk about stuff for 20 minutes.

Octaman, bored just like we are, wakes up and attacks again but he runs away. Not knowing where else he could've went, they decide to track him down with the RV. Johnny at this point has decided he's had enough and wants to go home. Dude, if you'd STOP staying at the camp and go with Rick, you wouldn't be attacked all the fucking time.

A big giant tree blocks the road so they get out of the RV to move the tree. Devito runs off for some reason and he spots Octaman in a cave. Intrigued, the rest chase after him, INCLUDING JOHNNY finally, and Octaman manages to block them in the cave. Devito proves how magical he is by finding a 4 inch hole in the cave and he crawls through it and finds a way out. Then we spend another 20 minutes watching them crawl through this hole. You fans of "The Descent" this will be your FAVORITE SCENE EVER!

They get out of the cave and head back to the RV and this movie tries to win me back by having Octaman hide INSIDE the RV (he even closed the door!) and attack them when they get back to the RV! It knocks everybody but Susanne out and she offers herself up to be taken. Octaman takes her, trying to figure out how to use his dick on her, when she shoots Octaman and he looks at her as if to say "Fucking bitch! UGH! WOMEN!!" I know, man. I know.

Octaman falls into the water and it simply ends finally. God.

The first 25-30 minutes of this movie is awesome. The middle is very boring and slow and repetitive. The last 15 or so is ok. It is on Netflix Instant Watch only and it is good for a group riffing, but don't expect craziness all the way through. Honestly, the movie could've only been 30 minutes long and end with them capturing him and I would've been happy with that. But oh well.


Jason Made A Video 87

Jason has a special announcement.

Friday, June 03, 2011

The Soto List: What I Learned Edition

My birthday is coming up this Sunday. I'll be 31. I'm approaching the time in my life where age doesn't matter. When I turn 40, then people will start to care and I'll be getting strange things in the mail from the AARPNAACPASCPAIHOP or whatever and I'll have to look into buying a different type of underwear for my ever sagging ball sack.

Women, you have it made when you get older.

Anyway, about half my life now I've been watching bad movies and only a small fraction of that I've been writing about them and sharing them with the 3 people that read my blog. During that time, bad movies have taught me a lot about life and I think is responsible for shaping the type of person that I am. So without further ado, here are 31 Things I've Learned While Watching Bad Movies!

1. If you were a pop star in the 80's, you're gonna end up making a shitty movie or two before you die.
2. The only difference between Earth and outer space is you need air to breathe. Exposed skin is fine, you can still walk or fly without any problems and most importantly you can start a fire in space.
3. A sequel means it'll have nothing to do with anyone or anything in the previous film.
4. Tommy Wiseau knows EXACTLY what he's doing.
5. Serial killers LOVE using puns before, during, and/or after killing someone. They could be stand up comics...if it wasn't for the whole killing thing.
6. All you need to make a movie is a camera, 3-4 people and outside. Getting the movie distributed is NO problem.
7. Somebody has the phone number 912.
8. Nicolas Cage does not like bees. Or bears. Or bikes. Or Leelee Sobieski.
9. If Chuck Norris and Cynthia Rothrock ever have sex and have a child, that child will be the second coming of Christ.
10. All Italian killers shop at the same leather store.
11. If you're related to a major celebrity, you totally have a chance to be just as famous, if not more.
12. The military likes to dump secret projects in small towns and forget about them.
13. Eventually, homeless people are going to be sick of us flushing our shit in their homes and strike back.
14. Every animal known to mankind is smart enough to plan pre-meditated murder. Including frogs.
16. Same for mountains. And the desert.
17. If you're in another country during a major disaster, keep trying to reach The American Embassy. They'll be more than happy to help you.
18. Never trust a guy with a porn mustache. Especially if he drives a quirky vehicle.
19. If a woman wants to fuck you, they either want something or they're trying to kill you.
20. Go ahead and poison someone's water, they'll never notice the taste.
21. Three people sewn ass to mouth are able to go up a spiral staircase with no problem.
22. When the zombie apocalypse happens, nobody will know how to act because they never seen a zombie movie in their lives.
23. When you plan a trip, make sure you bring that one asshole friend. It doesn't hurt to have a nerd of some kind as well.
24. The woods will kill you.
25. Little kids are 50 times smarter than adults and should always be taken seriously.
26. Just move right on in to that weird creepy house. Don't bother looking into the history of the place.
27. If you do look into the history of the place, the library will have exactly what you're looking for in a matter of minutes.
28. Danny Elfman makes a good Satan.
29. If things start getting boring, just randomly get naked. It'll spice things up.
30. Every major asshole, douchebag, or dumbass in the world is named Jason.
31. Speaking of, if your name IS Jason you can get shot, stabbed, cut in half, burnt, drown (three times), frozen, and float in space and not ever die.

Hmm...I'll have to try those out.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Horror Thursday: Run! Bitch Run!

I don't think I've ever had such a good time watching a movie, then writing a review of said movie in my life until now.

You have no idea what's about to happen to you, cause here's my review of "Run! Bitch Run!" over at Man, I Love Films!