Friday, April 30, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Here it be. The final day of this blog-a-thon and the review for the remake that probably should never have happened, but god forbid kids today watch a 26-year-old movie, what with the people having the big hair and listening to walk-mans and watching non-cable/non-reality TV. And people nowadays aren't named GLEN! Or TINA! Or GOD FORBID NICK! I mean NICK! Really?? That's SUCH a 1980's name!

Alright, sorry. I'm almost 30. I about to get shuttled to the retirement home. Before I do, here's my review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" (2010).

A kid named...fuck I forgot...what's a 2010 name? Blaster? Sure, let's go with that. Blaster is in a diner and he fell asleep. He dreams of being in the diner and soon a man with a burnt face and knives for fingers show up and is about to slash him when Nancy wakes Blaster up. Oh, so Nancy is still around? What about Kourntey? Or Paris? Whatever.

Nancy tells Blaster not to fall asleep again. Then Nancy super hot friend Tina Kris arrives and talks to Blaster. At the other table are some dudes named Jesse and Quentin. Jesse use to fuck Kris but now she wants to fuck Blaster. I can't blame her with a name like that. Jesse is an asshole and he leave violently. Quentin has the hots for Nancy.

Kris leaves to buy some condoms for Blaster when he falls asleep. Freddy shows up and stabs Blaster in the neck, killing him. Kris is forced to hump a lamp post. At Blaster's funeral, Kris notices a picture of Blaster as a kid and sees her in the background. She's confused by this since she didn't meet Blaster until high school.

Kris looks through some pictures of her as a kid and find some missing. Her mother (also hot as fuck) is a flight attendant and is leaving. Kris wants to investigate further so she goes into the attic. There, Freddy is waiting. Before he strikes, she wakes up.

Ugh! What happened to once a kid meets Freddy, he kills thems and they're dead. This chick fell asleep, met Freddy, and woke up like 3 times before she finally got killed. Jesse shows up at Kris' and wants to spend the night cause he's having nightmares too. Kris falls asleep and she dies the same way Tina did in the original, with the asshole boyfriend right there. Scared, Jesse runs away to Nancy's house, when the cops show up and arrest him for murder. Jesse must now stay awake. Not fear of being killed from Freddy, but of being butt raped.

Nancy realizes her Mom is hiding something so she and Quentin investigate. They're both having nightmares of Freddy in a school that isn't their high school and wonder what's up with that? After more digging, Nancy finds an envelope her mother stashed somewhere in the house. In the envelope was a picture of everybody from pre-school. Nancy and Quentin are confused cause they don't remember this happening.

Quentin is now at swim practice and while swimming, he falls asleep (thanks to this movie introducing a concept called micronaps, where your brain makes you sleep even if you're awake) and he ends up in the past and learns the truth.

Fred Kreuger was a janitor at the pre-school and all the kids loved him. Then slowly, all the kids started acting weird and coming home with weird marks on their bodies. All the kids said Freddy touched them. The parents got pissed and chased Freddy to a boiler room, where they burned him alive. Wrap your head around THAT!

So Quentin wakes up and he and Nancy tell their parents they know what they did and think they killed an innocent man. Nancy looks to see what the other students in the picture are up to and they're all dead. One kid, who grew up to be a blogger, blogged about his dreams and how Freddy wants to show him something in the school's basement. So now Nancy and Quentin have to get to the school to look in the basement.

On the way, Nancy has a micronap where Freddy slashes her and she brings out of her dream a piece of his sweater. Quentin is trying to get some stay awake pills but he's turned down, so when they treat Nancy's cuts at the hospital, he steals some adrenaline and injects himself with some to stay awake.

Eventually, they end up at the school and head into the basement. There, they learn that Freddy REALLY did touch them as kids and he's pissed that the kids told their parents. So now it's up to Nancy to bring him into "our" world and stop him. You can probably guess what happens.

So this movie, much like "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" before it, falls into the problem of "if there wasn't an original, this movie would be alright". I get that they updated the story a bit, but why change the Freddy character? What's wrong with a mass child molester/killer? I guess it is more common that them types are secretive about it and it is normally the nice guy everyone trusts. Which is why I act shady around kids all the time anyway. If I act nice, people assume I'm a molester. Made that one date rather awkward...


They kept in some of the classic stuff like Nancy falling asleep in the tub and the glove popping out of the water, and Tina Kris being dragged through the halls of the school. I wish they kept in Glen's death, which was one of the cooler things about the first movie. Oh and I swear to god Quentin is played by Robert Patterson's brother. And Jesse looked like Jared Leto. I'm not even kidding.

Overall, this movie wasn't too bad. Why it took forever for Freddy to kill the kids is a mystery. Even though they kept in the "bring him from the dream world" thing, the ending was kinda dumb. Plus they didn't figure in the "Home Alone" style traps. That would've been cool. As for Jackie Earl Harley Whatever, he was pretty good as Freddy. I guess if SOMEBODY had to be Freddy, and Robert Englund wasn't around, he would be a good replacement.

Now that I'm done reviewing every single "Nightmare" film, I need to get some sleep...


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! Freddy vs Jason

I contemplated about even including this in this blog-a-thon because I'm also slowly working my way back to you babe through all the Friday the 13th's, so it felt wrong to kinda jumped ahead. But how I looked at it was:
1. I'm at the point in time where it makes sense to review it now.
2. This movie doesn't have anything to do with the Jason timeline. Granted, a lot of the Ft13th movies don't have anything to do with the Jason timeline but this one REALLY doesn't.

So why not? That leaves one less movie I'll have to review later on down the road.

So. "Freddy vs Jason". This movie has been a long time coming. I remember hearing about this in the '90's, which is why one of the movies "Ft13th" movies ended the way it did, and I was fuckin' stoked. I couldn't wait. Then it was in development hell forever. Then finally, in 2003 I got my wish. I was there opening night.

And forgive me, but you all know I like bad stupid movies. I devote my life, a blog, and a website to them. I admit this isn't a good movie. But holy hell is it entertaining. The plot is pretty simple, really.

It's some undetermined amount of time later in Springwood. All the kids have forgotten about Dre Freddy and any that do remember him are given Hypnocil, the drug introduced in Part 3. Now you see why I mentioned it there. Freddy realizes this and needs to bring some fear onto Elm Street again. So he resurrects Jason and tells him, through the voice of Mrs. Vorhees, to go to Elm Street and start killing.

And killing he does. He kills douchebag Blake, who treats his girlfriend like shit, so much so that she's an alcholic at the tender age of 17. I'm guessing Drew Barrymoore was her role model. When they find Blake's body, all the cops think it's Freddy. Lead girl Lori (who has nice tits by the way) doesn't know who that is and is confused.

At the station, Lori has a dream that a girl is warning her about Freddy. Meanwhile, Lori's boyfriend Will and his friend Mark are locked up in an institution and are given Hypnocil. Will sees on the news that something happened at Lori's house and wants to know what happened. So he and Mark break out, pretty easily I might add.

One of Blake's friends (I forget his name...Ted? Alex?) falls asleep outside and dreams about Freddy, but Freddy isn't powerful enough to kill, so when Roger (maybe that's his name) wakes up, Jason is there to kill Steve and his Dad. Poor Carlos.

The next day at school, Lori finds out about Pablo dying as well and Will makes an apperance. Mark tells Lori that the guy she's dreaming about is Freddy, but before he can tell her any information, the cops show up. Will states he was sent to the intitution cause he saw Lori's Dad kill Lori's Mom and her Dad locked him up to shut him up.

Later that night, there's a rave in the cornfield (Freddy vs Jason vs The Children of the Corn, anybody? OUTLANDER!!!!) and Drunk Girl falls asleep and dreams her douchebag boyfriend is there and he leads her to Freddy's boiler room. Freddy stalks her around for a bit. In the real world, a douche raver tries to rape her. And Jason shows up and starts slashing people to bits, including Drunk Girl. This pisses Freddy off, since he's the one that was suppose to kill the kids. Lori, Will, Kelly Rowland (yeah, she's in this too), geek Lenderman, and Teenage Jason Mewes all hightail it in a super sweet van.

They go back to Mark's, who falls asleep. Freddy appears and tells him to pass a message along. Mark refuses to do so, so he dies, while branding the message on Mark's back. So now it's up to this Teen Gang to figure out what to do next. Meanwhile, a cop who's new in town feels left out for not knowing anything about Freddy and decides to get the Teen Gang's help.

The gang decide to get a shitload of hypnocil and take it so they don't dream about Freddy. The only place they know where it's at? The institution. So now they break in (pretty easily, remind me whenever I eventually snap and go crazy to get locked up in this place) to steal the pills. Teenage Jay decides to toke up...which puts him to sleep? I guess. Freddy manages to possess his body, dump out the hypnocil, and decides to take care of Jason by filling his body with tranquilizers.

Jason falls asleep and Freddy enters his dreams and Freddy just pounces on Jason's ass. Freddy soon learns that Jason is scared of water and uses this to his advantage. Lori knows all about pulling Freddy out of the dream and into her car, well van really, and goes under to get Freddy. Freddy, meanwhile, is busy drowning Jason. Before Kelly Rowland can give him mouth-to-mouth, he wakes up, causing the van to crash.

The van ends up at Camp Crystal Lake, where they were going, cause it's like 30 mintues away from Springwood I guess. Lori sees what really happens to her mom in her dream and before Freddy can kill her, she's woken up, bring Freddy with her into the real world, where Jason is ready.

Now it's the epic showdown we waited 15 years to see. And it's an awesome showdown. Lori decides to help Jason by torching the place. Jason cuts off Freddy's arms. It's an epic battle. Soon, the place is about to explode. Freddy pokes out Jason's eyes and they both go flying into the water when everything does explode. Of course Lori and Will are fine. I was glad to see Kelly Rowland get killed, she was annoying. And a horrible actress. Stick to singing.

Freddy comes back and is about to kill Lori when Jason returns, sticks Freddy's glove through Freddy's body, and finally, Lori chops off Freddy's head. NOW the fucker is dead. Jason let's Lori and Will live as he goes back to his watery grave. The end.

PHHHEEEWWW! I know I got one more to do tomorrow on the new movie but that'll be a piece of cake. This was rough, man. As for "Freddy vs Jason" I don't care what anyone says, I fuckin' love this movie. I love that it's horrible. I mean, fuck, I been waiting around for it forever. So, yeah, I don't care. I love it.


Freddy's Coming For You! New Nightmare

I'm glad we're now in the titles that aren't 40 words long. Posting these links on Twitter was killing me.

So we are finally at "New Nightmare". Here's my experience watching this at the age of 14:
"Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh where's Freddy? Uh huh uh huh OH! Oh. Uh huh uh huh...grr.."

Pretty much my thoughts are the same except this time "I get it". This movie is peppered with in jokes from the series.

It opens with the filming of a Freddy movie and we're on set with Heather Langenkamp and Wes Craven, both playing themselves. In this movie, Freddy's glove is mechanical and it goes haywire. It kills the two Special Effects geeks and starts going after Heather's son Dylan.

Oh crap, a horror movie with a kid. I'm ready to hate this movie.

This all turns out to be a dream Heather's having. In the real world, there's an Earthquake. After the quake is over, Heather's husband Chase leaves for work. And holy hell is Heather a nervous bitch in the first 20 minutes of this movie. I guess for good reason. The following things happen:
-Dylan's prized stuff dinosaur Rex got slashed, Freddy style.
-Heather's wall got slashed, Freddy style.
-She keeps getting stalkerish phone calls.
-She's got a whiny brat for a son.

Heather is also on her way to a TV interview, to talk about life post-"Elm Street". The only thing worth noting was she on "Just the 10 of Us", which I get the feeling I'm the only one that even remembers that. During the interview, Robert Englund comes out as Freddy and addresses the fan boys. And here he ham's it up.

After the TV show, the real producer of the "Elm Street" movies Robert Shaye approaches Heather to reprise the role of Nancy in a new Freddy movie....even though her character died. They seem to only address the fact that Freddy died but not the fact her character died. Anyway, Heather says no.

She returns home and find Dylan having weird attacks or something. Heather calls Chase to come home and even though he says he'll be home in 3 hours, it's suddenly the middle of the night and Chase is driving, trying not to fall asleep. But the mechanical Freddy glove attacks Chase's crotch, causing him to drive off the highway, killing him.

At the funeral, there's another Earthquake and the coffin pops open. Dylan stupidly crawls in there and Freddy appears, taking the kid. This all turns out to be a dream Nancy is having. And at this funeral are several people from all the "Nightmare" movies! There's John Saxon! The kid that played Nick in the first movie! And...other people. Johnny Depp is missing, only cause Wes Craven pussied out and didn't ask him to be in this movie.

So you're probably asking yourself "Ok, so this is suppose to be taking place in the real world, what the fuck is going on?" Good question. Heather visits Wes Craven and he's working on the new script. But he tells her that the whole reason he came up with Freddy was to defeat this demon thing. The demon took the form of Freddy and was subdued by all the films. Now that the films have stopped, the demon is trying to come back to Earth, in the form of Freddy. And it seems to take a liking to Dylan.

Y'know this is why I don't like kids in horror movies. They're the damn cause for everything in movies. It's like "we can't think of any plot devices, so let's make it a kid". Like Chase. He only died cause Heather was like "Dylan's sick". Good job, you killed your dad, kid.

Robert Englund is plagued by dreams as well and he expresses himself through paintings. When the man playing Freddy is having fucked up dreams, you should be worried.

So basically, this Demon Freddy is trying to cross over and he's using Dylan to do so. Heather takes Dylan to the hospital where the entire staff thinks Heather is crazy cause she keeps saying things like "Freddy's after him!" A nurse more or less theatens to take Dylan away from her if she keeps acting up.

Dylan meanwhile is being watched by babysitter Julie and the funniest scene in the whole movie happens here. Heather told Julie to make sure Dylan doesn't fall asleep but these two nurses have other plans. One nurse goes to Dylan and the other is putting something in a needle. Julie stops the one with the needle but the one by Dylan has the real one and injects him with sleepyjuice. Julie is pissed about this and just fucking punches the shit out of the fake needle nurse. It's awesome.

Too bad Demon Freddy is now here and he kills Julie. Dylan, who's now sleepwalking, walks home to get Rex. This involves crossing the freeway. There's a big action scene with Dylan and Heather crossing the freeway and cars piling up. Dylan makes it home where John Saxon is waiting.

Yes, according to this movie, Heather Langenkamp and John Saxon hang out. All the time. Maybe that's true, Wes Craven DID write this movie, but I just don't see it. Whatever. Anyway, here reality slowly starts slipping and soon Heather and John turn into their "Elm Street" characters and Heather's house turns into Nancy's house, with Dylan lost inside somewhere. John leaves and it's up to Heather/Nancy to save Dylan.

Heather goes inside and finds a trail of pills leading to Dylan's bed. Heather realizes this is Dylan's way of telling her where he is so she starts gulping the pills down. Man, this is offensive. A washed up actress from an 80's franchise swallowing sleeping pills like candy. Really?

Soon, she ends up in...wherever this Demon lives. Heather finds Wes' script and it turns into a meta moment where the point in the script is exactly what's happening in the movie at that point. It's weird. Dylan appears and soon enough so does Demon Freddy.

There's a chase scene, a fight scene, and a hiding scene. Demon Freddy is trying to grab Dylan in this small room. Heather comes running at him with a knife she bought with her and literally stabs him in the fucking dick. OUCH! Then she pushes him into the room and then...ok I have a question for Wes Craven.

Wes, are you obsessed with tongues or something? In the first movie (which you wrote), a tongue comes out of a phone. In the third movie (Which you wrote) tongue tie up Joey. And now in this movie, Demon Freddy's tongue is like 20 miles long and starts wrapping itself around Heather. Dylan shows up and stabs at the tongue, causing it to roll up into Freddy's mouth. Then they lock him in the room and turn on the fire. The fire causes Freddy to turn into his demon form, until it explodes. Soon, Heather and Dylan are back home. Heather finds Wes' script, which is for this exact movie, and she starts reading it. The end.

Wow. I have no idea what the fuck I just watched, then wrote about. AGAIN, this movie was just ok. The set up was a bit too long. About 20 minutes in I was like "Ok, Freddy's coming into the real world, let's get on with it." I tried to be patient but it's like hearing a story, but the person explains the beginning over and over again and you're just like "Ok, get to the point already!" I'm glad I'm almost done with this series. I'm not too thrilled by it overall. The next one, I know I like already. Yeah. I said it.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Soto List: Netflix Edition

Like any movie geek worth his weight in salt (the hell does that mean?), I have a Netflix account. About half of the movies I reviewed I got from Netflix (49% I own or were given, 1% people sent to me saying "Oh, you'll love this HAHAHA!" I'm looking at you, Flint Martini and Kevin Kangas!).

So it's without reason to assume that Netflix would have EVERY MOVIE IN EXISTANCE, right? WRONG! Apparently, for whatever reason, Netflix either USE to have the movie, or don't even have an entry for it. This upsets me. So here is my Top 5 Movies I Wish Netflix Would Hurry The Hell Up and Make Available So I Can Watch Them! (See Why I stop putting the titles of the lists in the heading?)

5. Skyscraper-Just watch this:

And that's what was cut out. Imagine what was left in. I know, right?

4. What Is It?-This trailer is totally NOT SAFE FOR WORK. But if you read my site/blog from work, you have problems anyway:

So yeah. It's that kind of movie. Why wouldn't I watch it? I just wanna say that I did.

3. The Poughkeepsie Tapes- What if The Blair Witch or "whatever" from "Paranormal Activity" was real and they were the one holding the video tapes? Good question.

It's probably stupid as hell but you gotta admit, that trailer kinda gets you going.

2. All The Boys Love Mandy Lane- This one I heard about for awhile now. It sounds pretty damn interesting.

I also love it when movies have like horrible things happen but they play non-scary music to it. Good example is the ear cutting scene in "Reservior Dogs". Love it.

1. Anus Magillicutty- this. (Yeah, not safe for work, don't read my shit at work):

I mean...look at that. LOOK AT THAT!!! It's called "ANUS MAGILLICUTTY"! It's...THAT! I

Well, that's it. If anybody DOES have copies of any of these movies, that'd be awesome. Otherwise, we should petition Netflix to get off their asses and do something.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

This is the sequel I remember the most. When it came out on video (Yes, people younger than me, not DVD, but VIDEO. Wrap that around your Justin Bieber minds) I bought it instantly and watched the everloving fuck out of it. I quoted this movie all crazy style. I wasn't lucky enough to see it in theaters to experience the 3-D effect or get the glasses. Oh well.

The story starts supposedly 10 years "later". The town of Springwood, where the Freddy stuff happened, pretty much ran out of kids and are hell bent on keeping it that way. There is one remaining teenager and he's on a plane. He's nervous about flying and soon his fears are valid as the plane rips apart.

But the kid wakes up in his bed and as he looks out the window he finds he's in a Wizard of Oz parody, with Freddy as the Wicked Witch. The house crash lands by NANCY'S house. (IT'S NOT FREDDY'S HOUSE! IT WAS NEVER SAID IN THE FIRST MOVIE IT WAS FREDDY'S HOUSE!!!) Before the kid can go into the house, he jumps the fence and rolls down the longest hill ever.

At the bottom, he finds a road and a creepy ticket taker for a bus. The bus shows up and hits the kid, with Freddy as the driver. Freddy makes several bus puns until he stops the bus and the kid goes flying across the Springwood border. Freddy tells the kid to bring him more kids.

The kid wakes up and finds he has amnesia. He roams the nearby town of Nameless-ville until some cops pick him up cause he looks like a crackhead. The cops take him to a teen shelter where some messed up kids are living. They either are orphaned, were abused, or just have shitty parents. We meet Tracy, Carlos, and Spencer. Spencer is played by Brecken Meyers, who is now known for being Seth Green's friend. These three kids are walking stereotypes. Spencer is the stoner, Tracy is the tough as nails chick, and Carlos is the reasonable one, with a hearing problem.

The three of them want to escape so they come up with a plan...

The kid shows up and is given to Maggie, one of the psycologist at the shelter. The kid, who is now named John (as in John Doe), doesn't remember anything but knows he needs to stay awake or else he'll die. After a scene showing Maggie talking to Doc, who is a "dream expert" so we know he's there, Maggie decides to take John to Springwood to see if they can figure out who he is.

They take a van and on the way, John falls asleep and dreams of a little girl in the middle of the road. He grabs at the steering wheel and soon the three stereotypes all spill out. Uh oh! Somebody's escape got ruined.

They continue on to Springwood, where all the old townspeople freak out at the sight of teenagers. One of the old townspeople? Tom and Roseanne Arnold. I swear to God.

John and Maggie go to the high school where they find a crazy teacher teaching Freddy history. He reveals that Freddy had...a kid! Wow. That actually makes sense in a way. I mean the only thing we knew about Freddy was he was a child molester and he was burnt for doing so. We didn't think about the fact he might've had a chick or kids or anything.

Armed with this knowledge, John thinks he's Freddy's kid and that's why he's alive. The three sterotypes took the van to go back to the shelter but they find themselves going 'round in circles, goin' 'round in circles. This happens until they come across NANCY'S HOUSE (Dammit) and decide to stay the night there.

Carlos falls asleep first and dreams about his Mom poking his brain out with a giant Q-Tip, which I guess is how he lost his hearing? I dunno. Anyway, Freddy appears and cuts the ear with the hearing aid in it so he's deaf. There's a funny 2-minute scene of Freddy creeping up behind Carlos, trying to be quiet, then trying to call him. At least I found it funny.

Eventually, Freddy gives him his hearing aid back but now it's super amplified where even a pin dropping causes Carlos' head to explode. Speaking of, Freddy appears with a chalkboard and runs his glove across it, literally exploding Carlos' head.

Spencer is in the living room, toking it up and watching a busted TV. Tracy can't find Carlos so she goes out looking for him. Spencer passes out dreams about Johnny Depp giving a "this is your brain" commercial. But Freddy hits him with a frying pan and soon a super awesome trip scene happens, with "Inna-Godda-Da-Vida" playing.

But that soon ends and Spencer finds himself in a video game, being controled by Freddy. This part is a bit silly. Tracy finds Maggie and John at the Orphanage, which is run by a crazy lady. Tracy takes them back to the house to find Spencer jumping up and down like Mario. John says he has to go to sleep to stop Freddy so he and Tracy do and manage to stop Freddy. But Freddy makes a "Power Glove" joke and finally kills Spencer. Tracy is waken up by Maggie but John's still asleep.

John has the house flying dream again and he falls out of the house. As he's falling a parachute opens but Freddy appears, lets him know he's not his son, and cuts his chute. John falls as Freddy pushes a bed of nails on the road for him to land on. With John dead, and them outside Springwood finally, Freddy inhabits Maggie's mind or something and they go back to the shelter.

When they get back, they find themselves in some alternate world where John or Carlos never existed. Doc remembers them cause he doesn't get played by dreams. I never understood this part of the movie, but whatever. Maggie remembers John's last words "It's not a boy" and realizes it could only mean one thing...

Maggie is Freddy's daughter. GASP!!!

Tracy falls asleep and dreams about her father...and holy shit!

Ok I haven't gotten to this movie yet, but there's a movie called "Sorority House Massacre 2: Nighty-Nightmare" (Real title, I swear) and in it, there's a character named Orville Ketchup. And Tracy's Father is played by Orville Ketchup! HOLY SHIT!!!!

Ok, sorry about that. Let's keep going.

So Orville Ketchup is a creepy guy and pretty much fucks Tracy I guess, but Tracy ain't gonna take it no more and fights back. Orville turns into Freddy but she burns herself on the oven to wake herself up. She goes looking for Doc.

Doc is having a dream of his own. Freddy appears and tells him he can never die because the Dream Demons said he can live forever and this is how he invades people's dreams. Doc wakes up, holding a piece of Freddy's sweater. Armed with the knowledge that they can bring Freddy into the real world (as previously shown in the first movie), they set it up so Maggie goes to sleep and tries to bring Freddy out.


Maggie falls asleep and finds herself going into Freddy's memories. We see him as a kid, killing a hampster. Then as a teenager getting beaten by Alice Cooper. Then we see him as an adult, killing Maggie's Mom because she found out that Freddy was killing all the kids. All this while random crap flies out at us.

Soon, the present day Freddy shows up and Maggie grabs a hold of him. Doc wakes her up but Freddy isn't in the room with her. They go into the basement to get this arsonal of weapons and they find Freddy, sans being burnt to a crisp, down there. Freddy wants forgiveness but Maggie doesn't fall for it and proceeds to kick his ass. Now that Freddy is in the real world, he can get hurt. Maggie sticks him with all kinds of knives and shit, sticking him to the wall. Maggie takes Freddy's glove and tries it on. Then stabs him in the gut with it. Then for good measure, they stick a pipe bomb in him and soon enough it's bye-bye Freddy.


Maggie says "Freddy's Dead" and sure enough...he is...for now. We get a lighthearted romp through the past 6 movies, sort of a Freddy's Greatest Hits, until it rests on a Memoriam of Freddy. Ok, now it's over...except we got two more movies to go, but whatever.

I still stand by what I said. Part 2 is the worst. I can't help it. I like this one. Yeah it's silly, and it's One-Liner Freddy and it's not scary and it's kinds stupid in parts, but I love stupid shit. It's a guilty pleasure, I guess. Plus it's part of my childhood. My old ass needs something to hold onto, ok?


Monday, April 26, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! Nightmare on Elm St. Part 5: Dream Child

Y'know, we had "Dream Warriors" "Dream Master" and now "Dream Child". If they were to continue in this vein, what would've been next? "Dream Scape"? "Dream Cast"? "Dream A Little Dream?" "DREAM ON!! DREAM ON!!! SING WITH IT SING FOR A YEAR!!!!"

Anyway. I have now just watched five Freddy movies. Am I any crazier? Nah. And yes, Part 2 is STILL the worst one, I don't care how many defenders show up out of nowhere and say otherwise.

The beginning of "5" starts with Dan and Alice from the last movie humpin'. It's during these credits that I noticed Wes Craven just about gave up on this series. I guess this was his "Cashin' the checks" phase. The humpin' is over and Alice takes a shower. We kinda get to see some Alice boobage but it's hidden behind the type of shower glass I only see in movies.

But soon, the shower turns on Alice and pretty sure it fills up. Alice breaks the glass and she lands in a dirty place. The place is NOT the boiler room, but the mental institution Freddy was concieved in. Alice seemed to Quantum Leap into the body of Amanda Krueger, and Ziggy says she has a 97% chance of getting ganged raped up the wazoo.

Thankfully, Alice wakes up and we get a quick Freddy Make-up-less Robert Englund in bed with Alice before he vanishes. We then learn that Alice and her NEW set of friends are graduating high school. She and Dan are gonna spend the summer in Europe, much to the chagrin of both set of parents.

The new set of friends consist of Greta, who's Mom is an annoying bitch and thinks Greta should be a model; Mark, who's super into comic books; and Yvonne, the BBF to Alice who not only is a good swimmer but is a nurse or something. And if you watched your fair share of 1980's teen movies, you'd know Yvonne from "Summer School" and "The Lost Boys".

Anyway, Alice is walking to work when suddenly she has a wide awake nightmare. She finds herself at the institution and watches Amanda Krueger give birth to Freddy. Baby Freddy is ugly as fuck and it gets free and escapes. Oh great, now it's "It's Alive".

Alice follows the baby to the church setting she defeated Freddy in the last movie and the baby is then reborn into Freddy. Alice is upset at this and soon she finds herself back in the real world, four hours late for work. She calls Dan, who's partying with the other friends, and begs Dan to come to the diner. Dan agrees to do so.

On the way, the car Dan is driving turns on him and soon Freddy is in the passenger seat with his own steering wheel. Freddy steers the car into a truck, but Dan survives. Dan finds a motorcycle and gets on. He's speeding like any douche on a motorcycle would (Sorry biker pals) when Freddy also take over the bike and causes Dan to crash, killing him in real life.

Dan was inconsiderate enough to die right in front of the diner, so Alice saw this happen. She wakes up in the hospital where she learns she's pregnant with Dan's child. Alice then spends the next 30 minutes asking "How can Freddy come after Dan if I'm awake?" and I spent the next 30 minutes shouting "Freddy's using the baby to dream".

But this reveal has to build slowly, so in the meantime, we spend some time with Greta. She has a creepy doll collection all around her room and her Mom is still a bitch. During a dinner party, Greta maybe falls asleep and soon Freddy is a +1 for dinner.

He straps Greta into her chair and force feeds her until she chokes and dies. Alice sees this happening from her house (BECAUSE THE BABY IS DREAMING IT!) and now Greta is dead. Since Mark was in love with Greta, he's all sorts of upset. Alice tells him and Yvonne it's Freddy but only Mark believes her. Yvonne acts like a total bitch in her non-believer-ness. (SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!...ugh I made a Charlie the Unicorn reference. I hate that cartoon)

During one of Alice's awake-dreams that her baby is totally having, Amanda Krueger appears telling Alice if she's freeded from her Earth prison, she can stop Freddy. So she needs to find this Earth prison or whatever. The only person to believe Alice is Mark, so she stays over at his place. When she's getting coffee, Mark falls asleep. Alice notices that Mark drew a comic of Nancy's house on Elm Street (IT'S NOT FREDDY'S HOUSE!) so Alice draws a stick figure of herself and helpfully labels it "ALICE". Soon, Alice is in Mark's dream.

And the "Take On Me" jokes can begin NOW!

Not much happens and they both get out alive. To stop Freddy, Alice has to find out where Amanda is kept. While that's happening Yvonne is non-believing at the pool. She falls asleep and soon meets Freddy herself. Yeah, who's a non-believer now. Alice falls asleep and looks for Amanda but finds Yvonne instead. While that happens, Freddy sucks Mark into a comic book and this is one of the cooler scenes in the movie.

And the "Take On Me" jokes can!

The scene is black and white but Mark is color. And everything was PAINTED black and white, including Freddy, so the lack of CGI is impressive here. And it's here you get to see Freddy skateboard. Yes...he's skateboards. Mark realizes he can do anything in his dream so he turns into a comic book hero and destroys Freddy. Of course this doesn't work and Freddy turns Mark into a piece of paper and shreds him. Nice.

Alice and Yvonne wake up. Alice finds Mark dead. Now that Yvonne believes, she's sent to the institution to look for Amanda's body. Oh NOW you know where it's at. Alice falls asleep and decides to stop Freddy once and for all.

Well, it should come to no surprise to you that yes the baby in Alice is dreaming. And Freddy is trying to take control of the baby. The baby is represented in the dream world by a super sad looking kid named Jacob. Alice tricks Freddy to go into the room of the 100 crazy maniacs that gang raped Amanda. They attack Freddy. So...his own fathers ganged raped him? Wow.

Well, this doesn't even stop Freddy. He's still ok and he's trying to poison Jacob's mind. Yvonne find's where Amanda was kept, behind a brick wall. Once the brick wall is broken, Amanda's soul is free and she can now kick Freddy's ass.

Then the movie gets weird. So weird I...can't describe it. I mean Jacob turns into a mini-Freddy. Jacob shoots some light into Freddy. The souls of Greta, Dan, and Mark shoot out of Freddy's back. Freddy turns into the "It's Alive" baby again and crawls back into Amanda's uterus. Jacob crawls into Alice's uterus. Freddy's glove pops out of Amanda's stomach...and that's it.

This...this doesn't look right.

It's nine months later and Jacob is alive and healthy and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

Well, again, not the worst. Not the best either. The funny thing is, I was allowed to watch this when I was 11. I must've had a cool babysitter. Pretty much my thoughts on this movie is the same as Part 4. I still like Alice. I DON'T think she appears in part 6 but I could be wrong. Guess we'll see.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You: Nightmare on Elm St. Part 4: Dream Master

I was pretty much in a drunken stupor when I wrote last night's review, so if it didn't make any sense, or wasn't even good, that's why. I know a lot of people who can write BETTER drunk than sober but I'm the opposite. Go figure.

Anyway, Part 4. A lot of people don't like it. I can see why. I didn't hate it, I just thought it was kinda weird. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

It starts with Kristin from Part 3, but NOT played by Patricia Arquette. Why, I don't know. Anyway, Kristin is walking around the Elm Street house looking for Freddy when she calls in the other surviving kids from Part 3, Kincade (The loud angry one) and Joey (The quiet one). They're pissed that Kristin called them into her dream for no reason cause Freddy's Dead! (Not yet, we got two more movies till that happens).

Proving that dogs do dream, Kincade's dog appears and bites Kristin, waking her up. I'll get to the dog in a minute. So Kristin is out of the institution and back into real life and is going to school. She's dating Rick and is friends with Rick's sister Alice. Now Alice was one of the few things I remembered about this series from when I watched these sequels as a kid. I kinda like Alice. Even if she doesn't live here anymore.

Everyone is pissed at Kristin for bring up Freddy over and over. They don't wanna come out and say she's crazy (probably a touchy subject) but are just tired of hearing about it. Kincade falls asleep and soon hears his dog come in. His dog's name? I'm not kidding you: Jason.

You know, the name Jason has been used for everything from assholes to crazy guys to douchebags, and even serial killers. I never heard the name used as a dog before. But I'm sure "there's a reason for it", nod nod wink wink say no more.

Anyway, Kincade finds himself in the junkyard Freddy was buried at and for no real reason, he simply comes back to life. That's it. No lighting storms, no radioactivity, nothing. Just pops up from the ground and says "I'm back". Kind of unimaginable. Anyway, he kills Kincade and is after Joey and Kristin next.

Joey is in his room, watching MTV. Ahh old school MTV. How I miss thee. Joey, because he's horny all the time apparently, notices one of his pin up girls is now off the poster and under his waterbed. By that I mean IN the waterbed. Joey tries to claw his way into the bed but Freddy appears and drowns Joey. That's two down.

Kristin goes to school, freaked out that Kincade and Joey haven't shown up yet. Turns out her feelings were right: they're dead. Kristin freaks and we slowly dive into Alice's family problem.

Alice's mom died and now it's just her, Rick (the brother), and Dad, who's an asshole drunk. Alice seems to daydream (uh oh) a lot, some which include violently beating her dad. Alice also works at a diner. HEY! (Ok, Ok I won't make the obvious joke.)

Kristin tells Alice, Rick, and Dan (A guy Alice has a crush on) about Freddy until her Mom, who's still a bitch, shows up and takes her home. There, Mom slips Kristin some sleeping pills and she falls asleep. She tries to have a good dream and she finds herself on a beach. But soon a Freddy shark appears. Seriously. Freddy appears in normal form, sporting some cool shades, and shoves Kristin into a sandtrap.

Kristin doesn't die, instead she falls into the Elm Street house (I can't call it Freddy's house cause it's really Nancy's house. Why everyone started calling it Freddy's house is a mystery) and accidently calls Alice into the dream. Kristin realizes this is a mistake and before killing her, Freddy is happy to meet Alice. Kristin gives Alice her "bring people into dreams" power and Alice wakes up.

She and Rick go to Kristin's house where she's on fire. (Whoa oh oh oh she's on fire.) Now it gets serious and Alice, Rick, Debbie (I swear she's the slutty chick from Part 2), and Shelia the hot nerdy chick all stay awake. Shelia says she only did so to study for an exam. She also invented some device that'll scare bugs away since Debbie is afraid of bugs (besides the ones she's got crawling in her pubes, OH SNAP!)

During the exam, Alice and Shelia fall asleep and Freddy appears. He literally sucks the life out of Shelia, until she's deflated like a blow up doll...not that I know how those things look like if you fuck em too hard...I'm gonna stop this sentence here.

Shelia's dead and Alice wakes up to find it was her fault this happened. Next up is Rick, who falls asleep on the toilet of all places. He has a weird dream of cheerleaders running into the stall he's in, then the stall turning into an elevator. Since Rick studied martial arts, he finds himself squaring off against Freddy. It's kind of a good battle but the glove comes alive and kills Rick.

With Rick's death, Alice finds out that she's slowly taking all of the dead kid's power so now she knows how to do martial arts nerdy. Ok. Alice decides enough is enough and asks Dan and Debbie to meet her at the diner to get rid of Freddy once and for all.

But Alice's dad won't let her leave so she has to sneak out. She finds that Dan isn't there so she decides to take in a movie. That movie: Reefer Madness. Nice. But the movie changes to a run down diner and soon the movie sucks Alice into the screen. After finding an old version of herself, Freddy shows up and eats a sausage with the likeness of Rick on it. Freddy tells Alice he's after Debbie next and she wakes up.

Alice sneaks out of the house and this time finds Dan sitting outside the dinner. She tells Dan they have to get to Debbie's before Freddy kills her. Too late. Freddy is there and as Debbie is lifting weights, this causes her arms to snap off.

Alice sneaks out of the house and this time finds Dan sitting outside the dinner. She tells Dan they have to get to Debbie's before Freddy kills her. Soon, the snapped off limbs turn into bug arms.

Alice sneaks out of the house and this time finds Dan sitting outside the dinner. She tells Dan they have to get to Debbie's before Freddy kills her. Before you know it, Debbie now looks like a bug.

Alice sneaks out of the house and this time finds Dan sitting outside the dinner. She tells Dan they have to get to Debbie's before Freddy kills her...ok. I am repeating this for a reason. The part of Alice getting into Dan's truck repeats four times cause Freddy's putting them in a loop so they can't save Debbie. I say it worked. And this whole bug sequence is pretty fucked up.

On the way to Debbie's house the last time, they smash into a tree and Dan is hurt. They're rushed to the hospital, where they need to operate on Dan. Knowing he's gonna go under, Alice has to rush home and go to sleep to call Dan and save him from Freddy.

Before that, there's a suiting up sequence where Alice wears all these things that belonged to all the people that died: Rick's headband, Debbie's punk bracelet, Shelia's bug scare-er thing and Kristin's....power I guess. Soon, she's asleep and she and Dan meet up in an old church. Freddy shows up and slashes Dan. The hospital staff sees this and wakes him up, causing him to vanish from the dream. So now it's Alice and Freddy.

And it's fuckin' weird.

Alice plugs the bug scare-er thing into an outlet and it lets out some colored lighting, which almost works but Freddy fixes himself. Then Alice remembers this nursery rhyme about the Dream Master and if evil looks at himself, he'll be defeated. So she grabs a mirror and he looks at himself.

Soon, all the souls that Freddy have taken start revolting and start coming out of his body. This happens until he explodes. ....ok then.

So everything is done and everything is ok. Alice and (Ass) Dan are together and she thinks she saw a reflection of Freddy in the town water fountain. Hmmm....

Well, that's Part 4. I didn't think it was bad. Part 2 is still the worst film so far. This movie was just a bit weird and kinda like "Let's just have stuff happen for no reason" but I enjoyed it. I like Alice and I know she returns in Part 5, one I remember not liking when I was a kid, so we'll see how that goes.