Tuesday, August 26, 2008

New Poll, Yo!

This started as a conversation with Felicia, which made me feel like a weird freak and a bad movie guy, but now I'm listening to the Cinema Diabolica guys mention this and I don't feel weird anymore.

So tell me where do you sit when you see a movie in a theater.

For the record:
1-Felicia said she and her sisters like to sit in the front rows cause (and I quote) "I like to be engulfed by the screen, almost to the point where you literally have to turn you head left/right to see the whole screen. It's fun to watch movies with a lot of action that way."
2-I like to sit anywhere in the center section but near the isle so I can easily run to the bathroom (I tend to have bladder problems. Sorry for the TMI)
3-The Cinema Diabolica guys more or less agree with me, but it sounded like they like the center part but in the back.

I like the center cause you get a clear view of the screen without having to move your head too much and you can take everything in. So anyway...if I left something out in the options post in the comments, please!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Help Me Help You...er No...Just Help Me

There's something that I've always wondered about so maybe my readers (all four of you) can help me out.

For years now I've noticed on video covers and movie posters, during the little part on the bottom that lists the credits, that one of the actors names would have a box around it.

For example, here's the poster for John Carpenter's "The Fog":

So if you look at the credit part:

You'll see that Janet Leigh's name is boxed in. Now, I figured maybe it was to highlight this particular person was in this movie for some strange reason, but then I noticed it on other movies, and the people in the box were people I never heard of. Sorry, can't provide an example of that, I can't think of any right now and all my movies are in boxes right now.

So my question is: What up, yo? Why the boxing in names? Does it mean something? Did that particular person in the box do something special or something? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Five For Friday: August 22nd, 2008

This Five for Friday is bought to you by The Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon which ended it's ten day run on Wednesday. It was a huge success thanks to everyone that participated. So if you're one of those people, thank you so so much.

1. Kid Free Cinemas-
I read this article earlier this week, which I think was written in England, about how very young children should be banned from movie theaters. I hate to sound all anti-children but I have to agree with this. You don't know how many times I've been to the movie theaters and there were children that shouldn't be there to begin with. Like when I went to see "Prom Night", I swear a whole friggin family came to see that thing. I mean why would you do that? Granted, it's a shitty PG-13 horror movie but still. Kids shouldn't be there in the first place. So maybe some reasonable age limit should be imposed. Like maybe no one under the age of...oh....6? 7? That sounds reasonable.

2. "The Dark Knight" Kicks Ass And Takes Names-
How many weeks was "The Dark Knight" number one? 4? And interesting that the one film that took it down to number two was "Tropic Thunder". Now I really wanna see this.

3. "Death Race" Hate-
What's with all the hate on the Jason Statham film "Death Race"? I personally think it looks cool. Yeah it's a remake to a cult movie and the plot is probably nothing like it (original was about a cross country race where the participates had to kill as many people on the road as possible) but still. Seems cool to me. But there was tons of hate on "Stepbrothers" and I loved that freakin movie, so I dunno. I suddenly feel alone.

4. Speaking Of The Dark Knight:


5. LL Cool J IS...Dolemite?-
Another article I stumbled across was from Cracked.com, where the listed 6 movies that ALMOST got made. It's a very interesting read cause if you think movies are in a sad state now, you should thank your lucky stars.

That's it for this week! Any suggestions on what should be on The Five, email me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com .

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #10: Masters of the Universe

Lemme get this out of the way right now.


Ok, it's out of my system.

I was a kid in the early 80's when He-Man was out and about and me being a typical boy in America I of course was obsessed. I had everything He-Man. The toys, the bedsheets, even curtains. And I had all the toys, including Castle Greyskull! Fuck yeah!!

I remember this being the first movie my dad took me to see in the theaters when I was a kid and I don't remember what I thought of it back then (I probably crapped my pants a few times) but now, I must admit, this movie is really cheesy.

Then again it was made by Golan-Globus, the Michael Bay of the 80's, so what do you expect?

First thing I notice is how similar parts of this movie is to "Star Wars". The start has Skeletor marching down a hallway and a dark ominus song is playing. He's taken over Castle Greyskull and managed to lock up this Sorceress chick, who more or less runs the universe or something. But He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his rag tag group including Duncan, the man-at-arms and Teela, Duncan's daughter lead the resistance and fight off Skeletor's army.

They meet Gwildor (Billy Barty), some keymaker that made what he calls a Cosmic Key that can open a doorway to any planet in any dimension. Skeletor stole this Key and used it to take over the Castle (This happened before our story starts so we don't see this happening) but Gwildor has a proto-type, which He-Man wants to use to sneak into the Castle.

But they could just use the backdoor of the Castle instead, which they do. When Skeletor's army attacks He-Man & The Gang, Gwildor opens a door to some random place and they all jump in, "Sliders" style.

I know this pre-dates "Sliders" by probably 7 or 8 years, but still.

Gosh, where could He-Man and his friends possibly go? Mars? Jupiter? The Restaurant At The End of the Universe? Well...

No. They land on Earth. Good ol' Earth. How come every movie version of a cartoon from the 80's has all the action happening on Earth? Like the stupid recent "Transformers" movie (hey speaking of Michael Bay...) the Transformers JUST HAD TO come to Earth. And here. He-Man and the gang HAD TO COME to Earth. I dunno. I'm guessing it's so little kids like me in the 80's would go "OOH! COOL!! He-Man could land in MY neighborhood!"

So on Earth, we meet Julie (Courtney Cox...seriously) who's leaving whatever city we're in to go to New Jersey. Jeez, why Julie? Whereever you're at now seems really nice, why go to Jersey? Gonna join the mob or something?

(No offense to any readers from New Jersey.)

Julie's leaving cause her parents died (remember this) in a horrible plane crash (remember this) about a year ago (remember this). She and her boyfriend Kevin plan on spending one final night together. But then Kevin finds the Key, which somehow flew 100 miles away from where He-Man and his Junkyard Gang landed. Kevin, cause he's a moron, thinks it's a Japanese synthesizer and starts pressing the keys.

All this key pressing sends signals to Skeletor and he sends a group of "his best killers" to get He-Man and this other key. The Best Killers arrive at a high school where Kevin's band is gonna play the prom and chase after Julie. He-Man hears her pleas for help and comes to the rescue. I put "best killers" in quotes cause Julie literally threw random crap at them and they got all terrified of it and practically wet themselves. Jeez, I'd make a more effeciant killer and I'm a movie blogger.

(No offense to my fellow movie bloggers reading this.)

Anyway, the "best killers" trash the school and the cops show up, lead by the dude who played Strickland in the "Back to the Future" series. He's given a name but I think he's more well-known as Strickland so I'll just call him that. Anyway, Strickland finds Kevin and thinks he and Julie trashed the school, so they go to Julie's to wait for her.

Meanwhile Skeletor kills one of his "best killers" cause they all really suck, but gives the other three another chance to redeem themselves.

Eventually, everyone in the cast meets up at a music store where Strickland is confused by He-Man and The Pips. A big gigantic war happens in the music store between He-man and Skeletor's army. This chick that works for Skeletor seriously named EVIL-LYN (I guess Evil-Ann or Evil-Emily was taken?) tricks Julie by pretending to be HER DEAD MOTHER! Julie stupidly falls for this (Yeah her and Kevin were meant for each other) and Julie gives her the key.

Another fight ensues and He-Man chases after some guys on a cool flying platform thingy then Skeletor shows up! On Earth!! The 5 year old inside me is squealing in terror!! Skeletor can show up IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!! BOO!!! He destroys the key and takes He-Man back to Eternia (their home planet) as his slave, while Duncan and Teela and Gwildor stay on Earth to die.

Gwildor says he can take everyone back to Eternia if they could play the right notes to open the door. Kevin remembers the notes and they set up this thing that looks like the thing E.T used to phone home to open the doorway. I should mention quickly that Skeletor shot Julie's leg with some poison and "only the sorceress can save her" blah blah blah. Oh and Strickland has had enough and is about to throw everyone into prison when the key is activated and everyone lands in Castle Greyskull.

At the Castle, Skeletor managed to soak up some powers of the universe cause something was aligning with something else and well...nah I won't say it. But all looks lost until our musical doorway opening A-Team shows up and starts kicking ass. Soon enough He-Man breaks free and he grabs his sword and...damn I said I wasn't gonna say it anymore. So I won't.


Now the 5-year-old in me is squealling in delight cause now it's the final epic battle between He-Man and Skeletor. Well, come on now. Who do you think wins? Yeah, He-Man. He throws Skeletor down some abyss that's just there and with one transistion, Julie is ok, everyone is decked out in gold (Hey! Like the ending of "Star Wars"!) and for some weird ass fucking reason Strickland is staying behind cause somewhere he found a woman. Ooook.

Gwildor tells Julie that suddenly this key can also send people back in time and so he sends Julie and Kevin back a year before Julie's parents died. She stops them from getting on that plane and...just leaves the house. He runs outside and meets Kevin who also went back in time. They hug and kiss, He-Man says you-know-what one more time and the end.

Ok wait.


Ok. Gwildor sent Julie and Kevin back in time a year. A year ago Strickland was there, on Earth, being a cop. So...what? Now there's two Strickland's? One Strickland is on Eternia getting serviced by an Eternian babe while the other one is a prick? Or did the Strickland that stayed behind at Eternia cancel out? UGH! Forget it.

I really hate to love this movie but god damn it I can't help myself. It's He-Man!! HE HAS THE POWER!! (Sorry sorry) But did it need to be so damn cheap lookin' and cheesy? I would've been happy with a cartoon movie version, mainly cause it meant I didn't have to look at Dolph Lundgren's beefy nipples the entire time. And I won't get into the whole gay undertones cause I think it's been talked to death. Oh and I should mention that both the opening and closing credits rip off the "Superman" credits. Even the music sounds similar. Weird.

Oh and I know I complained yesterday about people who nitpick movies to death and how movies don't have to always make sense, but this did go a bit too far. All the time Skeletor and his army is on Earth, they're riding around these suburban streets in big ass loud machines with literally ten thousand army dudes all with guns and lasers and flamethrowers and stuff and not one single person in this city is out and about, noticing this or whatever. It's like everyone in this town is on vacation and the only people left were Julie, Kevin, Strickland, and the guy at the music shop. Or maybe the Langoliers took em.

In other words, if the makers of "12:01" made this, the instant Skeletor showed up, he would've been shot to death by the army, the navy, the coast guard, the national guard, and for good measure have the C.I.A erase everyone's memories.

(Pictured: Not A Single Person On This Block)

And with this, "Masters of the Universe" is my tenth and final guilty pleasure on this list. I quite enjoyed this week and will possibly be visiting it again in the future. I wanna take this time to thank every single person that wrote out lists on their blog, sent me their lists through the email, and everyone reading these posts and supporting it.

I must say you guys definately have the power!


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #9: 12:01

"12:01" is bascially a bad ripoff of "Groundhog Day". It's kind of interesting that the makers of "12:01" thought the whole "day repeating thing" was a "fresh" idea and decided to do their own damn version. But this version, while I like it, is very annoying.

Jonathan Silverman is Barry, a typical guy who works in personell of some science place. He's constantly getting threatened to be fired and has to deal with stupid pranks done by his friend Howard (Jeremy Piven). Barry is in love with this scienitist chick named Lisa (Helen Slater) but can never find the right thing to say to her. Later that day, he and Howard watch her get gunned down in front of work. After drinking his sorrows away, he goes home and gets electrocuted.

Right at 12:01 AM.

When he wakes up he finds that it's the same day he just had and he goes through the whole thing again, but totally confused. He gets yelled at for the same crap, he falls for the same pranks, and Lisa is alive.

So what's going on? Well the science place Barry works at is working on some accelerator thingy where if misused can cause what this movie calls "A time bounce" which means the days will repeat. Barry figures this out so now he has to convince everyone around him that it's happening to him and that Lisa will get murdered.

When Lisa is murdered again, Barry's arrested cause he kept telling everyone about it. But no matter, at 12:01 he goes back to repeat the day again. This time he sneaks around, trying to stop the time bounce from happening and save Lisa. He uncovers a bunch of crazy shit going on between the lead scientist Dr. Huxley (Martin Landu) and Lisa.

Barry is finally able to convice Lisa that he is repeating the day and that she will get shot. He saves her and a cool car chase ensues, cause a day repeating movies NEEDS a car chase. They find saftey at Barry's parents cabin where they proceed to get it on. Before 12:01 hits, he finds out as much as he can about Lisa and suddenly we're back.

Barry keeps on convincing Lisa, even getting killed a couple of times in the process (does any of this sound like maybe they were watching "Groundhog Day" a BIT too much?), and they discover that Dr. Huxley is running the time thingy illegally cause the government wants it shut down.

Finally, Barry and Lisa goes to the science lab and tries to stop Huxley and the machine. Right at 12:01 instead of the time beam going out to the world, it hits Huxley and he blows up, causing the time bounce to stop. Everyone's happy! Yay!!

So here's what annoying about this movie (besides being a blatant rip off). You know how a lot of people like to nitpick stuff that happens in movies, like a character would sneak into an office to get information and get away scott free, so your typical watcher is like "Oh he couldn't do that without getting caught". Well in this movie, Barry gets caught REPEATEDLY!

He sneaks into an office, he's caught.
He hacks into a computer and is caught.
He breaks into places he's not suppose to be and is caught and fired.
And at the end, when Huxley explodes, cops show up cause Barry and Lisa basically broke into the place. So the cops show up and Barry and Lisa is like "Dr. Huxley ran the machine illegally! We had to stop him! He was gonna kill us!!" Instead of the usual "Oh ok. Glad you're ok" and the police move on, our two lead characters, THE HEROES mind you, GET ARRESTED! It's the final shot!! How many movies has the balls to have their final scene with the heroes being put in handcuffs for breaking and entering and blowing up a man? NONE!!!

So pretty much if you're one of those annoying nitpickers (I'm sorta guilty of this but I'm able to let a movie be a movie) this should be your favorite movie ever! And yes, Bill Murray and Harold Ramis (Director of Groundhog Day) did it way better with funnier results, no argument there. But I like this movie. It's not very well known (I don't think) and if I recall correctly, it was made-for-TV. At least that's where I saw it back in 1993, a good few months after "Groundhog Day" hit theaters. Despite all the annoying problems and being a rip off, "12:01" is my ninth guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure Reviewed Already (This Time On The Blog):

Slayton over at PUXZKKX wrote out his ten guilty pleasures. He even included one of mine!

Well tomorrow's the last day to send in your list or link. See how easy it is? And fun? You like easy and fun? Right?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #8: Idle Hands

I think "Idle Hands" is possibly the first, and maybe only (?) stoner horror movie. Which is why I think it wasn't accepted too well.

It tells the story of Anton (Devon Sawa, the dude from "Final Destination" and "Stan" from the Eminem video), a high school stoner who doesn't really go to school. He gets high with his friends Mick (Seth Green) and Pnub. There's a serial killer loose in the town and it's latest victims is Anton's parents.

Soon, Anton discovers that his right hand is possessed by some evil spirit and is the one doing all the murders. His hand kills his friends, but they come back as zombies, or the undead, take your pick. So now Anton must fight off his hand and try to keep it from his new hot girlfriend, Molly (Jessica Alba).

Eventually, Anton decides to cut the hand in question off, which was a bad idea, cause now the hand is free to do what it pleases. Anton and the undead friends follow it to the high school halloween dance, where The Offspring is performing. (Man, I wanna know how schools in movies get these real bands to play their prom. I mean it took Marcia Brady HOW many tries to get Davy Jones?)

The hand kills everyone from Dexter Holland (The leader singer of The Offspring) to the principal played by Dick Dietrich (Tell me you remember that show. PLEASE tell me you remember that show!). Vivica A. Fox shows up with the only thing that can stop the evil hand and they threw in Jack Noseworthy just for good measure. (You all remember Jack Noseworthy, right?)

Despite having dead parents and dead friends, everything sorta turns out alright. The hand is stopped, the friends go to heaven, and Anton hooks up with Jessica Alba. Not a bad deal after all. Thanks satanic hand!

I'm guessing the main problem about "Idle Hands" is it's not totally explain what's going on. Vivica A. Fox sorta mentions that this spirit looks for a shiftless loser with no direction in his (or her) life and posseses his hand for some reason. The hand thing isn't explained though, which was probably a turn off to people "who want every freakin' thing explained"!

Like I said, it's a stoner horror movie. The three main guys get stoned and there's fucked up scary shit happening, along with good amounts of gore. I think it's up to Seth Rogan and his band of friends to make the next stoner horror movie. That'd be awesome.

With that said, "Idle Hands" is my eighth guilty pleasure.

Oh..right. You want a rating. I mean isn't Jessica Alba's boobs enough of a rating? Obviously I mean 5 stars. Come on!!

Guilty Pleasure Already Reviewed:
Deadly Weapons

Some OTHER guy named Jason, over at YDKS Movies made out his list of ten guilty pleasures. You should check it out and support fellow Jason's.

This other Jason guy is the last blogger to send me a link. There's still time to write up a thing on your blog and send me a link if you haven't already. The final day of the blog-a-thon is Wednesday. Don't be shy, I swear I won't bite.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #7: Dude, Where's My Car?

"Dude, Where's My Car?" gets a lot of flack for being a totally stupid silly movie. Yes, it is a stupid silly movie, but the hatred for this movie doesn't make sense. If you are not a fan of stupid silly movies, then don't watch it. Plain and simple.

"But Jason! I'm a movie fan! And I want to watch ALL KINDS of movies! You can't tell me NOT to watch something!!"

That is true. But before going into it, you should've realized what you were getting yourself into. How you may ask?

The FUCKING title is DUDE! WHERE'S MY CAR?!!! It has the word DUDE!! It's asking a question!! ABOUT A CAR!!! I mean come on!!!!

Jesse (Ashton Kutcher, another sign right there) and Chester (Seann William Scott, sign number 3) wake up after a night of heavy drinking and partying. They can't remember anything they did the night before and in the process, they lose Jesse's car.

So they go on a whirlwind adventure looking for the car. Along the way they meet:
Two sets of aliens, one group a bunch of hot chicks, the other group two Austrian fellows, looking for this thing called the continum transfunctioner.
A transvestite stripper who gave them a suitcase full of money the night before.
A group of cult space alien nerds who want to go to space with the aliens.
Some stupid jocks who want to beat them up for no reason.
A crazy ostrich farmer
And pissed off girlfriends and bosses.

And this movie is loaded with weird stars and cameos like:


Chole from "24" fame

Andy Dick (kinda hard to tell in this photo but it's him, trust me)

And the loveable Hal Sparks.

Eventually everyone meets up, they find the continum transfunctioner, the alien chicks turn into one giant alien chick and the universe is saved. The Austrian aliens (Say that 5 times fast) erase everyone's memories and Jesse and Chester find their car at long last. The girlfriends (one of whom is Jennifer Gardner) get bigger boobs and the movie comes to an end.

There's a lot of stupid childish humor, along with catchphrases the makers were hoping would catch on (What the hell does Shibby suppose to mean?), but dammit! I love this movie! It makes me laugh and why does every single movie need to be so damn serious all the damn time?? Seriously! This is why "Dude, Where's My Car?" is my 7th guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasures I Already Reviewed:
The Reanimator

Mass Invader Maria sent me her list of ten guilty pleasures and here they are:
1. Batman and Robin, by far the greatest batman movie ever. I don't get everyone's problem with it.
2. Uncle Buck, pure hilarity.
3. Slap Shot 2 I didn't like the original but this is the best!
4. Shark Boy and Lava Girl, I'm a sucker for anything 3D
5. All the Shrek movies. I thought I was too cool for Shrek, boy was I wrong.
6. Winnie the Pooh, I've seen it 1000 times... since I turned 27.
7. Dungeons and Dragons. Don't bother me while I'm watching this! I'll hurt you!
8. Terms of Endearment Oh so sad it broke my heart into a billion pieces.
9. Nicholas Cage stars in The Wicker Man. Why didn't this win the best picture Oscar?
10. Mannequin, Nothing's gonna stop us now!

Joesph at Cinexcellence posted up his ten guilty pleasures. Check it out, dude!

Don't Give Your Hopes Up Like I Did

Cool huh?

Well, I said don't give your hopes up cause it's not real. Apparently some rather talented fanboys (girls?) made this. I must admit it's really well done. Click on the pic to see every little detail put into this.

Last time, it's fake.

Guilty post coming up in a bit.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #6: Where The Heart Is

Whoa whoa whoa! Before you delete me from your bookmarks, hear me out! I mean, this is what this week has been about, hasn't it?

Seriously "Where The Heart Is" is WAAYYY different than you're typical romantic drama sap sob fest whatever. It's literally the most fucked up Lifetime-like movie ever, which is saying a lot cause Lifetime movies can be fucked up in their own way.

Natalie Portman is Novalee, a pregnant chick from Tennesee who's leaving with her baby daddy to California. They have a broke down car with a hole in the floor and baby daddy is a major asshole. Novalee loses her shoes in the car hole and makes asshole stop at a Wal-Mart to get more. Novalee is very superstitious about the number 5 (To be ironic I should've made this #5 yesterday. Oh well...) and when her change is 5.55 she finds out that asshole left her.

Then the real fun starts. She lives in the Wal-Mart, makes some fast friends, and even meets a "cute" guy, who looks like Joanquin Phoenix's younger brother with a 'fro. Eventually, she goes into labor and the cute guy, a libraian named Thorny, literally JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW to save Novalee!

Well, she's a national superstar now! Everyone sends her money and well wishes, except some wacko religious people from Missouri or Mississipi, whatever. Sally Fields makes a cameo as Novalee's mom who scams her own daughter. Novalee becomes friends with the nurse, played by Ashley Judd, who has a billion kids and names them all after snacks. (Brownie, Praline, Snickers, Junior Mint, and of course Starburst...ok I'm making some of those up)

Novalee moves in with "Sister", played by Stockard Channing. Sister and this repairman constantly fuck on the kitchen table. Now tell me, when's the last romantic drama you saw where two character, old enough to be your parents, fuck on the kitchen table, and ASK GOD TO FORGIVE THEM FOR DOING SO??? Tell me now!

Didn't think so.

What happened to Asshole Baby Daddy? He picked up a 14-year-old girl who robbed a liquor store and since the cops picked them up while in a compromising position, he goes to prison. There, he writes a country song and gets beaten up for singin every day. When he gets out, he tries to make a living has a singer and meets with Joan Cusack, a talent agent. Joan changes Asshole's image and name and soon he has the number one country song in the country. Of course Novalee can't stand the song, but doesn't know he's asshole!

And more fucked up shit happens. A tornado hits and Novalee does battle with it! FUCK YEAH!!! But Sister died as a result. And every now and then the wacko religious people show up and kidnap Novalee's daughter, whom she named Americus. I could explain why but...it'd be complicated.

So you're probably thinking to yourself "Jeez, a lot happens in this movie. What's the time span?" Well good question. One of the jarring things about this film is it's jump in time. One scene it's a certain day in 1996. The very next scene it's Christmas 1998. Everybody's kids is suddenly way older, Novalee is suddenly mature and not so naive. Asshole went from a ex-con to superstar. And Ashley Judd goes through men like a cronic masturbator goes through kleenex.

For awhile I considered this next part the most fucked up part ever, but then after watching a few Lifetime movies (hey I watch bad movies, what do you expect?) I realize this is part of the norm and must be some contractual obligation to have in every "Make women cry" movie.

More or less, Ashley Judd meets a guy who turns out to be a child molester and she walked in on the dude doing it to the kid and he damn near killed her and took off. For some reason, as a result to this, she loses her apartment. Yeah, no idea either but whatever it's fucked up and it makes women cry, just go with it.

Novalee becomes a photographer and Asshole is now getting sued by his former prison cell mate cause he claims he wrote the number 1 country song in America. So the label drops him and now he's a washout, taking pills and drinkin whiskey.(That sounds like a country song!) He stumbles around a train yard and ends up GETTING HIS FUCKIN LEGS CUT OFF!! See? See?? Isn't THAT messed up?

Novalee finds Asshole, visits him, and there's closure there. It's painfully obviously that Thorny (remember? The "cute" librarian guy) has the hots for Novalee and she back to him, but he's more or less the Duckie of the film. They eventually get it on but she admits she doesn't love him, so he leaves town after his sister dies.

(Jesus there's a lot going on in this movie. And I skipped a lot of shit to keep this short. Sheesh.)

Ok so, Novalee regrets this, gets Thorny from college, and I swear to fucking God they get married IN A WAL MART!!! All the stuff I left out could fill up another blog post.

So yes. This is my typical "movie a guy shouldn't like" entry in the guilty pleasure realm. Underneath all the fucked up shit happening, it's your typical by-the-books romantic drama to make women cry movie. But I just like it for some strange reason. I really can't explain why "Where The Heart Is" is my #6 guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure Already Reviewed:
Hard Rock Zombies

The dude over at He-Shot-Cyrus (seriously a cool blog name), wrote out his ten guilty pleasures.

(PS: I know yesterday's post I said I was gonna do another action film. The one I had planned couldn't be done cause the DVD wouldn't work and I hadn't seen it in awhile, and I wanted to get the facts right. So it'll just have to be put on hold for now.)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #5: Crank

(Side note: Five For Friday is taking a week off. It shall return next Friday.)

Pretty much any film where Jason Statham is the lead can be considered a Guilty Pleasure, but I think "Crank" is probably his least popular film, which is surprising cause it's very slick looking film. Describing the entire thing is a bit hard to do. A lot of the imagry looks almost video game like, but there's weird images and scenes being played in the background, so it's like "Natural Born Killers: The Video Game" or something.

Jason Statham plays Chev, a hitman who wakes up finding himself poisoned. The poison is some special stuff that attacks the adgrenal gland, making his body slowly shut down. The only way to stay alive is to keep his adrenaline going so he has to do everything possible to keep it going.

So he starts taking cocaine, and drinking Red Bull by the gallons, and his doctor (Played by Dwight Yoakam...seriously) tells him to get some epinephrine, which he practically overdoses on.

So Chev is running around L.A like a maniac keeping his adrenaline pumping and pretty much just causing chaos. On top of this, he wants revenge on the guys that did this to him, so he's going around killing them one by one while they kill some of his posse (including a gay Pedro from "Napoleon Dynamite").

He meets up with his girlfriend, played by Amy Smart (What's happened to her lately?) and decides to fuck her in public to get his blood pumping. But unforuntuately there's no anti-dote so he just has to face facts and just die somewhere.

But this is Jason Fucking Statham we're talking about here! He just doesn't curl up and die! Nuh-uh! He's taking some motherfuckers with him! And take some motherfuckers with him he does. The ending leaves things a bit ambigous, but not so much anymore cause there is a sequel in the works, which should be interesting.

This is seriously one crazy ass movie and I totally love it. Any action movie that's just totally in your face is personally a favorite of mine. It's really a shame this movie isn't as popular as the "Transporter" series, which could be considered guilty pleasures on their own. "Crank" has gratutious nudity, violence, and all together wackyness, which is why it's my number five guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure That I Reviewed:

Mass Invader Bobbie lists off her ten favorite guilty pleasures:
Masque of the Red Death (Vincent is so delightfully evil in that!)
the Dr. Phibes movies (two)
Who's Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?
I Was A Teenage Frankenstein
The Tingler
and last but not least...Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Most likely these movies are all on her website, which I helped design.

Colleen over at 353review.com posted her ten guilty pleasures. She's got a neat site, all of her reviews are done in haiku form, which isn't easy to say the least.

I'll just say this right now. Tomorrow's film is gonna be another super crazy mindless action flick. Can you guess which one?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #4: Snakes On A Plane

Sorry this post is a bit late. Since I'm moving in two weeks (ack!) I have to spend as much time as possible with friends and family. But I'm here to tweak out a post before midnight hits.

"Snakes On A Plane" is possibly the granddaddy of Guilty Pleasures. If I was in fact doing these in order from most to least, SOAP would be number 1 hands down. Anytime I tell ANYONE I like this movie, I get weird looks, heavy sighing, and people shaking their heads at me. But how could you not love a movie titled "Snakes on a Plane". Literally, people, even friends I've known for a long time, didn't understand it and why those words grouped together make the most awesome sentence ever.

There's not much to the story at all. A kid witnesses a murder done by a gangster. Samuel L. Jackson is an F.B.I agent sent to protect the kid until he testifies at a trial. They have to fly from Hawaii to L.A for the trial. The gangster set up a trap full of snakes on the plane to kill the kid, and all the goofy ass characters on this flight. The snakes let loose and hilarity and fucked up shit ensues.

That's all you need to know plot wise. I'm fully aware how goofy the entire thing is and how cheesy the dialouge is. But it's part of it's charm I think. You literally have everything in this movie. Mobsters, surfers, newlyweds, boobs, penises (penii?) being bit off by a snake, stuck up asshole British guys, annoying blonde chicks with yappy dogs, a germaphobic rapper, and Kenan Thompson who knows how to fly planes. What the fuck else do you need, man??

I'm kinda glad I'm not posting images to this post cause there'd literally be a thousand cause every scene in this movie is just awesome. So if you haven't seen it, I hope you do sometime soon so you too can see why "Snakes on a Plane" is my fourth guilty pleasure.

And yes, I'm giving this movie

A Guilty Pleasure Already Reviewed:
Blood Freak

And Nick over at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob posted his ten guilty pleasures, and he came up with a very cool theme!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #3: Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows

In August 2008 a movie blogger watched all of his guilty pleasures in a week and vanished. A year later, his blog was found.

"Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows" is just one of many many sequels that didn't really need to be made, but hell the first one did so well, let's just milk this thing to death. I was a bit appreshensive about the sequel cause it wasn't done in a fake documentary style like the first (well, not completely anyway) and it was just a straight up horror movie.

In Blair Witch 2, "The Blair Witch Project" was just indeed a film, but it inspired many wannabe filmmakers to trek over to Burkittsville, Maryland, sleep in the woods, and try to find some spooky shit happening. Among those filmmakers are people who give guided tours through all the sights found in Blair Witch.

One of these people is Jeff. We're not too clear on what his story is exactly. At some point in time he was in a mental institution for some reason not given. We're even show a scene of some doctor pouring what looks like tapioca pudding down his nose, while smoking. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Now it's...sometime after the pudding in the nose and Jeff is leading a tour of Blair Witch fans. They all go to the woods and set up camp. They get drunk and high and talk about the Blair Witch, the movie and the actual witch, which need I remind you in this universe we're in, does not really exist.

So who's on this tour with Jeff? Glad you asked.

There's the goth chick Kim, the wiccan Erica, and a couple Stephen and Tristian. Tristian is pregnant but doesn't want the kid. I should also point out that Kim is psychic. All of these things will come into play at various points in the movie.

At one point a rival tour group shows up but Jeff gets rid of them. Suddenly it's the next morning and it's snowing paper. Stephen finds out it's research he's done for a book he's writing about mass hysteria. Jeff finds his camera equipment trashed. Tristian finds that she's having a miscarriage.

After treating Tristian at the hospital, they go to Jeff's place to look at the tapes that got saved. And here at Jeff's is where the rest of the movie takes place, more or less. I only mention it cause after awhile it gets mildly claustrophobic.

What happens at Jeff's is hard to put into words. Well I can use these words: fucked up shit happens. Owls fly through windows and end up dead. Everyone starts having weird hallucinations. They have odd markings on their bodies.

Kim goes out to get some beer and is treated less than hospitable. She ends up bagging her own beer and throwing money at the bitchy clerk and leaving. At Jeff's he's found some weird hidden shit on the tapes that can only be played backwards. Tristian starts acting weirder and weird and Erica vanishes.

When they play the tapes backwards they all see themselves doing weird and freaky ritualistic shit, like bowing to Tristian and practically having an orgy. Eventually they strip naked and run off into the woods with knives.

Nobody remembers that happening and figure out they're under the powers of the witch, who seemed to possess Tristian, which explains the miscarriage cause the witch don't like children (You gotta see the first film to figure out why). So they literally have a witch hunt against Tristian and she ends up hanging herself.

So the cops show up and arrest Kim, Stephen, and Jeff for the murders of Tristian, Erica, who showed up dead in Jeff's closet, and the rival tour group in the forest. Oh and the bitchy clerk at the beer store.

Now everything believes they're innocent cause they didn't murder anyone. But the cops put on all the taped footage and like Jeff said earlier in the movie "video don't lie".

We see Tristian begging for her life instead of acting bat shit insane while the group puts the rope around her neck. We also see Kim stabbing the shit out of the bitchy clerk. Everyone claims that what they're watching didn't happen at all! It was a possessed Tristian acting like the Blair Witch! She told them to kill! And she killed herself!! WHAT'S GOING ON???

The first 87 minutes really does suck, but the atmosphere is really creepy and I can't help but like this movie. Plus the ending is such a mindfuck, I just love it. A lot of people hate this movie and I guess I can understand why, what with the acting. (By the way, much like in the first movie, all the main characters are using their real names, so a guy named Jeff is playing Jeff, a guy named Stephen is playing Stephen and so on...) And no, I don't know what Book of Shadows means.

Oh before I wrap this up, there is a cool feature. You're suppose to watch the movie in reverse and while rewinding it you're suppose to look out for a secret message. I did this a long time ago on VHS but I forget what it was and I'll be damned if anyone else on the internet could figure it out.

So what's left to say? Blair Witch 2 is unwanted but still pretty freaky and the people behind the movie found a way to make people watch it in a unique fashion. And that's why "Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows" is my third guilty pleasure.

A Guilty Pleasure That I Reviewed Already:
Death Bed

Mass Invader Sean lists his ten guilty pleasures:
10. Beastmaster
9. Maximum Overdrive
8. Beavis and Butthead Do America
7. Mazes and Monsters
6. Troll 2
5. Demolition Man
4. Batman The Movie (1966)
3. The Hobbit (1977)
2. Willow
1. The Toxic Avenger

Fun Fact: Willow is my favorite drinking movie. It's just so magical!

And our first link! Good ol' Fletch wrote a lil' something which you can check out over at Blog Cabins.

That's it for now. See ya tomorrow for another pleasue I'm guilty of...or something.

And The Winner Is...

Gah! I almost forgot! I been caught up in this guilty pleasure thing I forgot to pick a winner for the third anniversary extravaganza contest whatever whatever.

I know I said I was gonna film myself picking the name but honestly my camera is packed away right now and I just worked a 12 hours shift and I'm too damn tired to hook the thing up, so just take my word for it. I put all the names (10 to be exact) into a dish, shuffled them up as best as I could and picked a name.

And that name is...

*Drum rol-eh fuck it you probably scrolled down by now and not even reading this*

Fletch from Blog Cabins, come on down!!!

You are the winner of a bunch of cool crap, including a DVD copy of Dead Alive! A DVD copy of my movie "Birthday Present"! The screener copy of "Murder Set Pieces"! And last but certainly not least, a T-shirt from my own personal warerobe!! KICKASS!!

Congratulations Mr. Fletch. You have 24 hours to acknowledge this post either by emailing me saying "yay" then telling me where you'd like me to send your prizes!

Thank you everyone for playing! I'll probably do it again next year, so if you didn't win this time, better luck tomorrow, er, next year.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon #2: Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny

There is probably a very fine line between guilty pleasure and cult cinema. I believe "Pick of Destiny" straddles both lines, throwing caution and lord only knows what else to the wind. People who don't understand "The D" won't understand this movie, but people who do understand "The D" possibly wasn't too impressed with this movie. Maybe they were expecting more. More what I dunno but even in "The D" circles this movie isn't talked about too often.

The film is basically the fictional account of how Tenacious D formed. It starts in Kickapoo, Missouri where a young JB lives with his super religious family. All JB wants to do is rock out with his young cock out, but Dad (Meatloaf) won't allow him. So after getting some magical advice from Ronnie James Dio, he runs away to Hollywood.

We meet an adult JB (Jack Black) roaming Hollywood when he meets Kyle Gass (Kyle Gass), a long haired guitar maestro. KG takes JB in when he "saves" him from a gang that looks like the gang from "A Clockwork Orange".

In KG's "sweet" apartment, he teaches JB how to rock and learns the essentals like the power slide and cock pushups. Eventually, JB discovers that Kyle is living a lie and they're forced to move out of the apartment cause they can't pay rent. When Jack sees the guitar Kyle got him, he has a change of heart and they decide to pay the rent WITH THEIR ROCK!!

They come with the name when they join asses together to form the words TENACIOUS D. That night they play their first gig at an open mic and they do ok. They wanna perform at a contest coming up that week that has a cash prize. JB is determined to get that money and rock everyone's socks off!

But how? Kyle notices that all the legends (Eddie Van Halen, Pete Townsende and dude from AC/DC) all used the same guitar pick. They dig deep and find a dude (Ben Stiller) who knows a lot about the pick, the Pick of Destiny.

Short version: some dude called Satan to battle him, Satan was kicking dude's ass, a blacksmith saves dude by chipping Satan's tooth, cause Satan isn't complete, he's ordered back to hell, dude turns tooth into a guitar pick, years later all the guitar legends we know now used the pick to become super famous. The end.

So if The D can get this pick, they can rock out and win the contest! But the pick is in The Rock & Roll Hall, er, "History Museum". So now the movie switches gears and becomes a road/adventure movie.

They stop in a diner where Kyle meets some hot chicks. The chicks wanna take them to their sorority and have them play but Jack only wants the pick. Jack meets a weird gimpy dude who I think is Tim Robbins, or at least Tim Robbin's Uncle or something, that tells Jack how to get into the museum. Since Kyle is only thinking with his cock, the band breaks up.

Jack ends up in a forest and starts eating mushrooms, where he instantly has a psychedelic trip and thinks he's hanging out with a sasquatch. Kyle meanwhile realizes he needs Jack to perform songs since the only lyrics he knows are the back up vocals. He's boo'd out of the sorority and realizes he needs Jack.

Jack snaps out of his trip and manages to break in the museum. Kyle is there and they reconsile and decide to get this pick once and for all! IN THE NAME OF ROCK!!

They find the pick but there's these lasers that'll cut your limbs off, so Jack uses his sweet robot moves to maneuver around them. He finds the button that turns them off but he can't reach. But one thing can: His cock!

With the lasers turned off, they grab the pick, but they make such a racket they're discovered. The only way out: mega sweet power slide. This is possibly my favorite part of the movie.

Then for no reason, Kyle decides to have a car chase with some cops, totally wrecking the car they borrowed from their only fan/roadie Lee. This is my other favorite part.

They make it back to the bar where the contest is held but while fighting over who gets the pick, they break it. After the Open Mic Host (Paul F. Tompkins, the guy who wears the suits on "Best Week Ever") talks them into playing without the pic, it's revealed that he's Satan in disguise and now he is complete. He wants to take over the world, so it's up to Tenacious D to stop Satan! And the only way to do that: have a sweet rock off!

And a sweet rock off it is. Eventually, Satan loses his horn and he's sent back to Hell cause he's not complete and The D wins. They turned the horn into a Bong of Destiny and are currently trying to write their masterpiece. Which I believe might be "Tribute".

To be honest, I wasn't too thrilled with this movie when I saw it in theaters, but some part of me couldn't resist it. It's totally a stoner movie and as I stated earlier, it's really not for everyone. And so that's why "Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny" is my second Guilty Pleasure.

A Guilty Pleasure That I Reviewed:
Sleepaway Camp