Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 16 Results

I think I know what it is. Now that it's starting to transistion from crappy part of Spring where it's still cold outside to the super nice outside part of spring, no body's inside, or when they are they're too tired from running through sprinkers or running or walking or bike riding or playing on swings or whatever. I gotcha guys.

This Week's Scores:
Me: 10
Maria: 9
Fletch: 7

Total Month's Scores:
Maria: 28
Me: 26
Fletch: 23
Bobbie: 5

Actually, looking at it, this was the last weekend in April, so Maria is our winner again. We start anew on Friday so hopefully everyone will join in again.


Friday, April 24, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 16

Hey guys. I know I been quiet. I'm still working on my book, which means a lot of writing and a lot of watching. I'm about 25% done, which is good considering. Anyway, here's what's coming out this weekend.

Obsessed aka Chick from Heroes vs Beyonce. Why is Beyonce still acting? Name one movie she was good in...besides "Dreamgirls". Thought so.
Fighting. Guy. Beating people up. Bleh.
The Soloist. A heavy hearted drama with Robert Downey, Jr and Jamie Foxx, who by the way wanted Hannah Montana to release a sex video. That might make this number one all on it's own.

I hate to say this but I get the feeling Obsessed will take the top spot. Although I don't know why, this movie is such a cookie cutter film from all the other "crazy woman" films like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct...well ok maybe not that one. If Ali Larter showed her vag I'd totally be there.

Here's last weeks top ten:

Oh yeah I almost forgot! Due to a spammer I had two weeks ago, I had to change the settings on the comments. So now no one can leave anonymous comments anymore, you have to be signed up with Blogger/Google to leave a comment. So if you don't have an account, just email me your choice at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 15 Results

Jeez, I take one week off and all you guys decide to stop playing or something? Or are you just upset about 30 Days of Horror?

This Week:
Me, Fletch: 6
Maria: 9

This Week Total:
Maria: 19
Me, Fletch: 16
Bobbie: 5

Bleh, I can't believe all the tweeners fell for that. At least Hannah Montana is getting knocked down a few pegs. Too bad about Crank 2 and Observe and Report. Both are awesome movies, mainly Crank 2, which I just got back from seeing. Somehow they made it more crazier than the first. Awesome awesome stuff.

Next week, nothing worth noting comes out. And they're all one word titles. Obsessed. Fighting. (The) Soloist. Earth. How about "sucks"?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Some News, The Rest of 30 Days of Horror, and The Fight For #1: Week 15

First the good news.

My friend Bill got a book of poetry published and he told me the process was kinda easy so I figured I'd give it a shot. But I needed a book idea first. So I asked around and I was given a neat idea. Armed with that idea, I sent in the idea to the publisher and this morning I heard back.

They like the idea and want to read my manuscript. That I haven't written yet.

So what does this mean? I probably will have to stop doing 30 Days of Horror here and spend any time I have getting this book written. I will probably have to watch some horror movies, along with other types of genres, for the book so if I do, I will make a note of it here on the blog. In the meantime, if anybody reading this wants to do a review for a movie I was planning on reviewing (list here) and you wanna send it in or have me link to it, that'd be awesome. Totally up to you.

But I'm not too busy to keep doing Fight For #1. I missed last week cause I was out of town, but now we're back. Let's see while I was away...Hannah Montana became the number 1 movie??? ARRGH!!

Well, this weekend we got Crank 2 and some Zac Efron movie. I'm gonna have to go with Crank 2. Anyway, here's what it looked like two weeks ago:

Thanks! Sorry! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Day 15: The Exorcist 3

I was hoping this time around I wouldn't be dissappointed. And thank god I wasn't. I really don't know what the popular stance is on this movie but I think it's really really fucking creepy and done very well.

Detective George C. Scott is investigating some murders going around. He believes it's the work of an old serial killer named The Gemini Killer. Since I'm the sign of the Gemini it made me slightly nervous. The three newest murders are pretty fucked up and freak Detective George out. First was a kid who was decapitated and his head replaced with a statue head of Jesus, all the while crucified on some rowing oars. Second one was a priest giving communion. The third was a friend of George's, another priest.

All these killings tie in to the exorcism giving in the first movie and George starts rumminging around the hospital his priest friend was killed. Turns out there's a patient down in the "Disturbed" ward that bares a striking resemblance to Father Karras from the first movie.

In fact, it is him! WHA???

Well check this shit out. So we all know Father Karras jumped out of Linda Blair's window that one night and died. While that was happening, the Gemini Killer, who was caught and sent to the electric chair, was killed at the same time. So the Killer's soul met up with Satan, who said "I'm pissed at this Karras dude, I'm gonna put your soul in his body so you can keep on killing." Killer is like "Ok cool" and that happened. But since Karras was dead for awhile, it took the Killer awhile to energize the cells in the body. And that awhile lasted 15 years.

So when George talks to Karras, he turns into Brad Dourif, aka the voice of Chucky and boy does it show. This is probably one of his best performances cause he freaked me the fuck out. And apparently Brad's "Master" (guess who) can possess other people around in the hospital to do his bidding, such as letting him out of his cell every night to kill people and making sure he gets back in ok.

Meanwhile, Father Karras is stuck inside all miserable and wanting to die, but The Killer won't let him. The Killer promises to kill George's daughter, so he sends over a spooky nurse to do it, but George (with an assist by his mother-in-law) stops her. Then some other priest that figures into the story somehow but I wasn't paying attention cause I was getting the shit scared out of me arrives at the hospital and starts to do an exorcism on Killer/Karras, which lasts all of 5 minutes. It's so short cause the movie producers asked for an exorcism scene and this was all William Peter Blatty (the writer and director of this film) would give them.

George shows up to kill Karras' body but Killer (or possibly Satan) stops him and shows him some fucked up images. But the Random Priest isn't out of the picture yet! Even though we saw his skin get peeled, he's somehow still alive to finish the last word in the exorcism, which tames the Killer for a bit. Karras returns, begging George to shoot him, which he does, finally killing the Killer. Or until another person just happens to die and that body gets possessed. But whatever.

Yeah, I liked this movie. I missed a bit cause the DVD skipped a bit, but it wasn't too much. There were too many freaky scenes to mention. And this was more of a sequel to the original Exorcist that that P.O.S Part 2 ever was. So if you want a good scary night, watch the original, and then this one back to back. You'll be shitting your pants all night but it'd be worth it.


Day 14: Exorcist 2: The Heretic

This is a jumbled mess of a movie. I don't think I clearly understood what was happening. I don't even know how to write this. I can just tell you what I did understand and remember seeing it. (As how I'm writing these last reviews a day or so late after watching 4 movies in a row.)

So Linda Blair is all hot now and living in New York with some chick name Sharon. She doesn't remember any of the crap that happened in the first film and is a carefree hot chick. She still gets checked out by some doctors or something to see if maybe the memory is just buried deep in her mind.

Meanwhile Reverend Richard Burton is assigned to figure out what the hell happened to Father Merrin in the first movie. He spends the entire movie looking at things and saying "Pazuzu" over and over again. Apparently Pazuzu was the proper name of the demon that possessed Linda Blair.

Speaking of, she's hooked up to some machine that turns people psychic or something? Cause she was able to get into the mind of a mute autistic and turn something on so she can talk or something.

Richard Burton is now in Africa for some reason, trying to find James Earl Jones, who as a kid was possessed by Pazuzu. This all happened in the Exorcist prequel, which sucks on it's own. Anyway, Merrin helped young James Earl Jones out and now James Earl Jones is some scientist figuring out why locusts do stuff.

Richard Burton comes back and psychically enters Linda's Blair mind, which transplants him into the past and he sees Merrin do the thing on a young James Earl Jones. With an understanding on how Pazuzu works, he and Linda Blair must go back to her old house and do another battle, but Pazuzu tempts everyone like crazy. Might as well have him stand in a doorway saying "Want some caaaake?"

Now I truly don't understand what the fuck's happening. The house is falling apart. Linda Blair is even hotter. People are getting possessed like crazy. Richard Burton does Richard Burton things until it all just stops and the credits roll. Man, I haven't been this confused in a long ass time.

Yeah, this movie is really terrible. It's like Poltergeist 2 in that it only exists to explain what happened in the first movie. It's more scarier when you have no idea what's going on. I mean she was possessed, what more do you want? All the stuff with young Marrin was boring and I think unneeded. I can do without this movie.


Day 13: High Tension

Poor Marie. She's in her friend's parents guest bedroom, furiously masturbating when suddenly a psycho killer (Qu'est-ce que c'est?) shows up at the door, slowly killing each family member one by one. He even gets the dog and the little boy. The only person he leaves is Alex, Marie's (female) friend. Realizing that Marie has to be super ultra quiet, she hides around the house, waiting for the killer to go do something. Marie finds Alex and insures her things will be ok. Except not.

The killer loads Alex, bound and gagged, into a weird metal truck. Marie sneaks in and tries to undo the chains but they're tied to a lock, which needs a key. Thankfully the killer needs gas so he stops at a gas station to fill 'er up. While that's happening, Marie runs in for help but the killer is here to pay. Oh and to slay. (Aren't I clever?)

After another close call of the killer almost finding Marie, he leaves her behind. Marie calls the cops, then takes the murdered gas clerk's car to chase down the killer and save Alex. She rather stupidly stays on his ass, even down some dirt road, but the killer gets smart and starts to push her off the side of the road.

The killer chases her throughout the woods, eventually tricking her so she lets her guard down and tries to kill Marie. Marie, grabbing a post with barbed wire, smacks the shit out of the killer, then suffocating him, finally killing him. Now Marie is free to save Alex.

I'm gonna stop here to say if any of what I just said up above sounds interesting to you and you wish to see how this movie plays out (I did skip a few things here and there), then I'm gonna ask you to stop reading this review right here cause there's a major plot twist that you don't see coming and I don't wanna ruin the experience for you. So just stop, watch the movie, then come back.

If you are still reading this, and you haven't seen the movie, don't get mad. I warned you.

Alex is terrifed and pissed at Marie and for good reason. Marie has what I call "Fight Club" syndrome, where she actually has a split personality and it was MARIE doing all the killings the entire time. All the parts with Marie hiding and crap was just in her mind or something.

Honestly, it's not explained too well, cause for one thing, Marie was new to whatever city this was. So if she's this big serial killer, where'd she'd get the truck from? And the part where the killer was driving and Marie was in the back with Alex, she was interacting with Alex, who was responding back (Mainly by screaming into her gag) was that possible?

Anyway, as I kinda figured from the beginning of the movie Marie is a big lesbo and wants Alex and she snapped cause she was probably dating guys or something. Like I said it's not all explained too well. But when Marie, who thinks she isn't the killer, frees Alex, Alex stabs the shit out of her with a knife. Marie reverts to killer guy and chases after her with a big ass saw thing. The ending totally reminded me of the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

Alex tries to get help but Marie ends up killing the dude and is about to kill her when Alex stabs her with a crow bar. But she survived and is now in a mental institution, still pining for Alex.

So if you made it this far in the review and you did watch the movie, noticed how I skipped the part where the killer was giving himself head with a decapitated head of a girl? If that's really Marie how do less thought about the better.

I quite liked this movie. Watching it a second time might make it a different experience, knowing the twist n all. And it's a french movie, with the French title "Je m'appelle Sacre Bleu!" Or something. The version I watched was one of those screeners I got a few years ago and I gotta say, seeing bits of it in black and white made it an interesting experience. Maybe I should just hand out copies of my copy to everyone.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Day 12: An American Haunting

Whenever I plan out "30 Days of Horror", I put in movies I haven't seen before, thinking they're horror movies. Then I get around to it and find out it's some weird subgenere of a horror movie, like thriller or "scary drama". What's a scary drama? "An American Haunting" is a scary drama.

I have to wonder about the title. I mean all the haunting movies I've seen, you're "Poltergeists", "Amityville Horror", "House", they all take place in America. So what, is this not your terrorist's haunting, it's an AMERICAN Haunting god dammit it! Red white and blue all the way!!

The movie starts off in the present with a teenage girl running from something. This turns out to be a dream as she's waken by her Mom. Mom tells daughter to get ready her Dad is on his way to pick her up. Mom finds some old journal and starts reading it and it tells the story of The Bell Hauntings in 1819 or something.

In what is possibly the funniest reason to haunt someone, John Bell (Donald Sutherland) is sent to a church court (Yeah I don't know it was the 1800's they were a bit wacky then) because he bought some land from Kathy, a neighbor who may or may not be a witch. Kathy's all pissed off cause John charged her a 20% interest rate, which also pissed off the church court as well. They sentenced John a life sentence of local scorn where anytime he walks around town people look at him and got "Tsk tsk tsk". But Kathy thinks this is a slap on the wrist and instead promises to dole out punishment her own way.

If this was set today, a bunch of banks would be having ghosts visiting them. If they already don't.

So sure enough, some weird ass shit starts happening at the Bell house. John is starting to get sick and in a very unintentional funny scene, daughter Betsy is picked up by a ghost and slapped silly. This happens a few times in the movie. OH NO! NOT THE SLAPPING GHOST!!

At first Betsy's teacher/pedo school teacher don't believe this stuff is happening until he sees the ghost slapping for himself. Betsy is plagued with nightmares and keeps seeing a little girl that no one else sees. After a bunch of restless nights and shots of Ma Bell (Sissy Spacek) looking worried, John goes to Kathy and begs for mercy. But Kathy says "I ain't cursed your house!"

So...what's going on?

Well, this movie decides to take a fucked up turn. The "ghost" that's haunting the Bell's is actually the ghost of Betsy's innocence. Apparently, one night John got horny and realized he was married to old Sissy Spacek and decided to get with Betsy. When that happened, this "innocence ghost" is seeking revenge on John and trying to make Betsy remember it all, since she blocked it out.

That explains the slapping I guess.

So Betsy poisons dear old dad and the little girl, representing innocence I guess, goes away and the Bell's are left at peace.

Back to the present and Modern Day Mom is reading all this, going "Huh". Teen Daughter leaves with Dad when Mom sees Betsy's ghost. Realizing her return "means something" Mom chases after Pedo Dad and Teen who's all "NOO! Not the straps again!".

I'm relieved the haunting is about loss of innocence and not about a high interest rate. That'd just be freakin' retarded. I'm torn on what I think about this movie. It's kinda cool, kinda spooky, and has some neat little action scenes, like when the ghost flips over the horse and carriage. But other times it's a bit slow and the slapping ghost is just hilarious. At least until you find out why, but it's still mildly amusing. I would give this movie another watch sometime in the future, knowing now what I know what happens in the movie.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Day 11/Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 3 IN 3-D!

So here I am, taking on the part in the franchise that was filmed in 3-D. The DVD comes with the 3-D version and glasses, so I said hell yeah let's watch this sucker in 3-D. Well, either something was wrong with the copy, the TV sucked, or my eyes sucked cause the 3-D didn't really worked. It was still blurry and it didn't really pop out of the screen like 3-D is suppose to. So I still need to see a good 3-D version of this.

Anyway, this part doesn't take place at Camp Crystal Lake. In fact it doesn't even mention where it takes place. Maybe this is Jason's summer home or something. Anyway, another random group of teens or whatever show up to some farm in "the country". Along for the trip is:
Shelly, the jokster who looks like Jonah Hill and has horrible self esteem issues.
Chris, the main chick and the owner of the farm.
Andy and His Girlfriend
Two Hippies
Chick Shelly is trying to hook up with.

Sorry I'm not mentioning the names but you and I know it don't matter, you just wanna see some people get chopped in creative ways.

But it takes awhile for that to happen. We get some "Dawson's Creek" shit as we explore all this backstory on Chris and how she was accosted by some weirdo in the woods two years ago. The weirdo, as you know, turns out to be Jason. Shelly pulls all kinds of pranks that makes everyone hates him. Later, Shelly and Chick he's trying to hook up with run afoul of a biker gang, so the gang gets revenge by turning into 12-year-olds and taking the gas out of their vans. Next they put their hands in warm water while sleeping. Tee-hee-hee.

The chick biker gang goes into the barn, where Jason is just hanging out for some reason and she gets killed, followed by the other two gang members. Jason is taking his sweet ass time killing these people. I think in Part 2, we got about 30-40 minutes of "story" then the rest was killing. These killings don't happen until at least an hour into the movie.

Andy and his girlfriend fuck on a hammock, then get killed.
Shelly scares the chick he's trying to hook up with, but he gets killed and Jason takes this hockey mask Shelly was carrying for some reason, which is when that whole thing started.
Chick gets killed trying to get Shelly's wallet from the water.
Hippies get killed after thinking Shelly is pulling another prank but this time it's for realz, y'all.

Soon, Chris and her boyfriend Rick come back and find the house empty. Chris investigates while Rick gets his head smashed in. Soon, Jason makes his presence known to Chris and he chases her all over the farm and the barn. She gets some stabs in there, but he still survives them. She even ties his neck around a noose and hangs him but nothing doing. Finally, she just slams a machete into his skull and it stops him. For now...

Chris decides to re-enact the final scene from the first Friday the 13th and go out on the lake in a canoe. But now she's flipped the fuck out and starts seeing shit like Jason coming after her and Jason's Mom popping up out of the lake. The cops show up (How do they always know to show up the morning after? I think they're in on it somehow) and take away a crazy laughing Chris.

Even though I do have patience and think horror movies should build, this one took a bit too long to build. It's the third entry in the series for cryin' out loud. They should just get with the killin' already, screw story. And it's not like any of it mattered. By the time Part 4 rolls around we'll have another story to not be interested in.

As for the 3-D, it was a bit hokey at times. It was like "Hey, look at us being wacky with this yo-yo!" "Oh no, we're juggling!!" But the death parts were (probably) cool to see in 3-D, like the eyeballs flying out of Rick's head. I hope some movie theater plays this in 3-D soon so I can see all of this for myself.


Day 10: House 2: The Second Story

This movie is only a sequel by name and the fact weird shit happens in a house. Everything that happened in the first film is never mentioned. Normally this would mean trouble but here it kinda works.

Jesse moves in to his own family home after finding out his parents gave him up 25 years ago. His parents, immedately after giving up their baby, is visited by some ghoul who shoots them dead. Jesse and his girlfriend Kate decide to move in and almost immedately his friend Charlie and his girlfriend Gem or 80's Madonna or some other name that I didn't catch.

After finding out his great-great grandfather was some bandit and/or archelogist and great-great granddad found some crystal skull (HA HA HA that one movie that came out last year don't seem so silly now, does it?) but he and his former partner Sam fought over it and they both died somehow. Jesse thinks the skull is buried with great-great granddad so he and Charlie decide to dig him up to find out.

After unearthing the coffin, they open it up to find Gramps (as he wants to be called) very much alive, just a bit...zombieish. Inside is also the crystal skull, which Gramps puts on some cradle on the fireplace. The next day we find out Bill Maher is the president of some record company and he wants to bang Kate very badly. While Jesse and Charlie were talking to Gramps, a Halloween party started up upstairs. All three join in on the fun until one of the rooms opens up and a 9-foot-tall caveman comes out and steals the skull.

While this is going on some old girlfriend of Jesse's hits on him, making Bill Maher tell Kate about this, who instead of asking her own boyfriend what the truth is, instantly believe Bill Maher and dump him. Gramps tells Jesse he has to go back to the room the caveman came from, which is now a large jungle, and get the skull back.

Jesse and Charlie do so, fighting off pterodactyls and the huge ass caveman. Jesse ends up bringing a baby pterodactyl back with him and hiding it in the kitchen. When Bill Maher wants to see, to only prove Jesse is either crazy or a cheating bastard, Gramps pulls an old switcheroo and brings the Ex-Girlfriend back. Kate really has had it and leaves Jesse for good.

The skull has returned and now we have a new visitor. Hey, it's Cliff from "Cheers"! Here, he's Bill, an electrican who sticks his nose into shit. Soon, some leftovers from "Temple of Doom" appear and steal the skull. (Hm, that's kinda interesting...) Bill finds a huge hole in the living room that leads to a leftover set from Temple of Doom and they find the skull along with a virgin about to be sacrificed. Bill kicks some ass, Jesse gets the skull and saves the girl and Bill reveals to not only be an electrican but an "adventurer".

During dinner, Gramp's old partner Sam shows up, claiming the skull and shooting Gramps. This time Jesse must fight Sam in a showdown to the death that takes place in several rooms in the house. The police show up for some weird reason and want to kill Jesse. Jesse manages to stop Sam and get the skull back, but it's too late for Gramps, who tells Jesse to let the skull take him wherever he wants to go then get rid of it.

So Jesse walks into a room that looks like the room in "Poltergeist", cause it's all lightly bright and I guess he, Charlie, and Virgin Chick went back to the wild west, where they bury Gramps with the skull and live happily ever after. I guess. And Kate is stuck with Bill Maher. Good luck with that.

"House 2" is more of a comedic approach instead of a scary version. Sure the first one had it's funny moments but there was more drama and scary crap going on. This one was more like a Halloween episode of a 80's sitcom. Like Cousin Larry is running from ghosts or something. But it was still good and watchable. I felt sorry for Jesse until I realized he started this whole thing by digging up Gramps. So screw him.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

On The Road Again...

The next three days of 30 Days will not be posted
This weeks Fight for #1 will skip a week

Cause I'm out of town. However, I will still watch the movies and report back on them when I return home on Monday. Sorry for the inconvience.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Day 9: The Midnight Meat Train

I wanted to see this movie badly when it came out. I was curious. It features Vinnie Jones as a killer who kills people on a train. And what does the title mean exactly? Now that I know, I wish I could undo my wanting.

Leon is a photographer who's told by Brooke Shields to shoot more dark disturbing images and maybe she'll give him a photo gallery opening. He goes out one night and finds Vinnie and takes his picture. This leads him to a dark road that's frustrating and pretty stupid.

Leon is also dating a hot girl Maya who gets involved with everything as well. Leon starts stalking Vinnie, finding out he's a butcher by day. When he follows him down to the subway and onto the train, he watches Vinnie chop up some random innocent people. Vinnie finds him soon enough and simply knocks him out. Leon wakes up to find a weird symbol carved into his chest. And now Vinnie does the stalking.

Maya enlists the help of a friend named Jergin or something to break into Vinnie's apartment and look for Leon's camera, which was stolen and contains evidence. Of course any other night Vinnie would be gone all night but no on this night he's only gone for ten minutes. Vinnie kills Jergin and Maya runs to the police. She meets a police chick who is rather indifferent about the whole thing. Maya and Leon now decide it's time to take matters into their own hands.

Leon arms himself with knives galore and gets on the train, where Maya already is at. And rather stupidly, there's a whole train car full of people hanging upside down. This is stupid because this train went through a bunch of stops and you can clearly see the bodies through the windows. So to have them just hanging there while the train goes to it's final destination is really dumb.

Leon and Vinnie confront and it's an epic battle. Leon manages to throw Vinnie out of the car and we all think it's over, but nope. The train stops and the conductor gets out, simply saying "Move away from the meat." Then the entire backstory on what's been going on is explained.

Apparently there some underground dwellers (CHUD perhaps?) who conductor, Vinnie, and even the fucking lady cop work for by providing "human meat". The conductor says it's a secret society and now Leon has been chosen to continue on Vinnie's work, who makes a return. Leon fights him and ends up cutting the shit out of him. The conductor then rips out Leon's tongue. Ohh, anytime a tongue is ripped out, there isn't a happy ending. The conductor then kills Maya and tells Leon to follow him.

And well he does, now dressing up like Vinnie in dark suits and carrying around a purse full of murder weapons. This movie is stupid.

This movie is also really freakin' long. And the credits say "based on a SHORT STORY", so I'm guessing the story was just the murders and the filmmakers threw in all this extra crap that I left out, like all the Brooke Shields stuff and Maya and Leon getting married and Leon being a damn vegetarian and whatnot. Just avoid this movie cause the graphics are horrible and it just drags and drags and drags.


Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Day 8: Poltergeist 2/Poltergeist 3

I swear Mormons made "Poltergeist 2". Not only does the main "villian" dress like a Mormon priest, but the ending was filled with so much sugary family love I almost puked up the cavity I got as a result.

The first sign that this movie was gonna go badly was none of the original writers, directors, and even some of the cast returned. And Tobe Hooper and Steven Speilburg's name was left off during the opening credits. And the main fault this movie has is going in depth in explaining the crap that went on in the first.

We start with Taylor, our Indian hero fellow, arriving at the site of the old Freeling house, which as you remember imploded upon itself. Digging inside a hole is Little Zelda Rubinstein, who called Taylor over to check this shit out. They find a cave underground filled with bodies. These bodies were the ones that were "poltergeisting" in the previous film. See, I liked it better when I thought it was just random ghosts fucking shit up. Now they explained who, exactly, the ghosts was.

And the family is now living with Grandma, who's a bit on the weird side. It's revealed later on that she's a quarter psychic (on the mothers side) and now thinks both Carol Ann (Still Heather O'Rourke) and Mom (Still Jobeth Williams) are psychic too. Craig T. Nelson is back, no surprised, but I am that Jobeth Williams is, considering the shit that went down during the filming of the first film.

Who is missing is the teenage daughter. They never explain what happened to her. So they did a "Family Matters", where a character mysteriously vanishes and no one talks about her ever again...

Soon, Grandma dies and communicates to Carol Ann via a toy phone. While shopping at a mall, the creepy ass Reverend Kane appears and sings his creepy ass song. Soon, Kane is stalking Carol Ann (Where's Chris Hanson when you need him?) and it's revealed that he's the leader of the Poltergeists.

Taylor arrives at the Freelings after one night when shit starts happening again and things are flying and lights are appearing and stuff. Taylor is there to protect Carol Ann and help Craig T. Nelson become a "warrior".

But he mainly just sits on his ass while Kane shows up at the door, hypnotizing Craig T. Nelson, then later when Robbie's braces get a life of their own and try to electrocute the family. Taylor says only mystical mumbo jumbo will save their asses, so he blows smoke in Craig T. Nelson's face and says "There, now go fight evil."

But Craig T. Nelson can't handle this crap and decides to drink instead. He drinks tequila, which as you know has a worm inside it. He accidently drinks the worm, which ends up getting possessed and therefore possesses Craig T. Nelson.

This is where the film stops being somewhat OK and moves to "UGH" territory. Craig T. Nelson nearly raps Jobeth Williams, then he vomits up the giant worm, which goes throughout the house, trying to kidnap Carol Ann. They all get in the car, and heeding the advice of Taylor, goes back to the site of their old house and stop this shit once and for all.

So who's this Reverend Kane and these ghosts exactly? Well, back in the 1800's he was some religious nut who thought the world was gonna end tomorrow so he got some followers, buried themselves in an underground cave and, well, died. But Kane thinks he's still alive and wants Carol Ann cause he's a creepy fuck.

The family get into the cave where Carol Ann and Mom suddenly vanish and just like that they're floating around on a green screen. Craig T. Nelson and Son jump in the fire (cue the Metallica song!) and soon the entire family is floating on a green screen. It reminded me of "Neverending Story" for some reason. And yes, the power of love is keeping them safe.

Well not for long.

Carol Ann is kidnapped by a weird monster version of Kane and all hope seems to be lost. But soon, here comes Dead Grandma, floating by holding Carol Ann. Kane returns and you think "Oh yes epic show down! Blow on him, Craig T. Nelson! USE SUPERBREATH!" but no. Taylor throws a spear to Craig T. Nelson, Craig T. Nelson goes "ugh" and stabs Kane, who simply blows up. The family appears back in the cave, all happy and in love and crap. Due to a running joke too lame to mention here, Taylor steals their car, stranding them with the dead bodies and taa-daa it's over.

Onto "Poltergeist 3". The only remaining character and actor from the previous two is Carol Ann, still played by Heather O'Rourke. Here, she's been shipped off to Chicago to live with her ridiculously rich Aunt and Uncle, played by Nancy Allen and Tom Skeritt. They have their own daughter, Donna, played by Lara Flynn Boyle, who much love roles where she plays a Donna.

Anyway, Uncle Tom (umm...sorry) owns some huge giant skyscraper and turned it into a mall, apartments, and art gallery. 95% of the movie takes place in this movie, kinda like in "Gremlins 2". In fact I wouldn't doubt it if Gremlins 2 was parodying this movie.

Carol Ann is going to some school for gifted kids but the head shrink, who's name I swear is Dr. Satan, thinks Carol Ann is full of shit and never went through any ghost related things. In fact, everyone teases her about it, even Dr. Satan.

Aunt Nancy is having some art gallery opening that he's dragging Tom to, so Donna has to stay behind to baby sit Carol Ann. But there's a party going on that a cute boy is having. Carol Ann tells Donna to go and that she and Laura Palmer will be fine.

But of course they're not fine. I won't get into Laura Palmer but Carol Ann is now being stalked by the good ol' Reverend Kane. And oh boy are there a shitload of mirrors in this movies. Carol Ann's room is lined with mirrors. There's mirror all over the skyscraper. There's even freakin mirrors in Carol Ann's class. They should've subtitled this movie "Mirrors".

Anyway, the "poltergeists" in this movie are everybodies evil mirror image. Carol Ann's grabs her, but Carol Ann manages to get away. Zelda Rubinstein (oh yeah, she's in this too, so that makes two from the past two films) hears Carol Ann's "shining" and is on her way to help.

Donna, meanwhile, is running loose in the building with her boyfriend and friends. When they break into the security room, they find Carol Ann running around. They find her, but soon are dragged into hell through a puddle. When Dr. Satan gets a call from Zelda, he thinks it's Carol Ann playing a trick. See, Dr. Satan is an asshole and thinks Carol Ann is making all this up for attention I guess. Soon he finds himself deep into it when the evil mirror images of Donna and her boyfriend kill him.

So now Aunt Nancy and Mr. Tom are to the rescue! But Aunt Nancy decided to be an evil bitch suddenly and wants to get rid of Carol Ann. Tom shows some sympathy and wants to help. Then they go on a crazy supernatual adventure involving freezers, ice, cars, and yes more mirrors.

Eventually, it's up to Aunt Nancy to "break on through to the other side" and...not do anything. Instead Zelda sacrifices herself and offers to show Kane how to get to the light, which is what he wanted in the past 3 films! When this is done, the regular versions of everyone comes back and they all lived happily ever after. AWWW!

This didn't need to be made. If Tobe Hooper and/or Steven Speilberg didn't want anything to do with this movie, then it should've just stayed to the one film. Did we really need an explaination? Just let them be angry ghosts attacking the family. And why all the love crap? Telling ya. Mormons.

I thought it was just ok. It was more like "how much weird and surreal shit can we have happen" then anything like the original Poltergeist. And the sudden change in Nancy Allen's character is a bit jarring. One minute she loves Carol Ann, the next she wants to drown her. Jeez, lady, you were partners with Robocop for cryin' out loud. Have some compassion.

Anyway, screw these sequels and stick to the first.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Day 7: Poltergeist

I really don't plan on getting to in depth with this movie. Everybody knows about it, even if you haven't seen it. It's one of the most famous (and infamous) horror movies out there. And I'll be honest, it's creeps me the fuck out. I watched it early in the morning and I'm all freaked out.

Of course the making of the movie and the aftermath is about as famous (and infamous) as the movie itself. During production all kinds of crazy shit happened. People were getting into car accidents and breaking bones and stuff. Things would happen for no reason. And of course, a few cast members died after the making, including the little girl that played Carol Ann, Heather O'Rourke.

I don't know if you remember a little while back I made a ranting post about DISH Network sorta poking fun at this movie and including footage of O'Rourke while a very much alive and older Craig T. Nelson sold us cable and how fucked up that whole thing was. The ad's didn't last too much longer after I wrote that. Not saying I had anything to do with that, but it's fun to pretend.

But like I said, everyone knows at least what the movie's about and some of the scenes from it. A typical family lives in a nice house, the little daugther Carol Ann starts talking to imaginary friends that turn out to be mean ass spirits. Soon freaky shit happens and Carol Ann is kidnapped by the poltergeists. Mom and Dad (Jobeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson) hire some ghost hunters to find her, and they bring in Crazy Psychic Lady, Zelda Rubinstein to help, who tells the family the spirits are pissed off and they're jealous of Carol Ann's ability to still be alive. So Mom goes to the spirit world to rescue Carol Ann and Zelda delievers one of the most famous movie lies ever:

"This house is clean."

Yeah far from it.

After the family decides to move the fuck out (finally), the spirits get more pissed off and form a giant vagina in the kid's closet.

And of course that damn clown:

Then there's this thing:

Clean my ass.

Soon it's discovered that the douchebag that developed these houses built them over sacred graves and only moved the headstones but not the bodies. The family gets the hell out of the house and soon it fucking impoldes into itself. Fuckin' A.

I've seen this movie a shitload of times and every time it never fails to freak me out. I hardly ever get scared at horror movies, but "Poltergeist" is in my top five of movies that do. For more infomation on all the fucked up shit that happened during and after the making of this movie, check out the Wikipedia article.


Monday, April 06, 2009

Day 6: Bride of Re-Animator/Beyond Re-Animator

Today I'm taking on the two sequels to one of my favorite bringing dead people back to life movies "The Re-Animator". If you need a refresher on what happened in the first film click here.

"Bride" picks up 8 months later and Dr.'s Herbert West and Dan Cain are in South American as doctors during some kind of war. West is still up to his expermienting ways, this time on dying soliders. Dan is there for the hell of it, I guess. There's also a chick named Francesca who is now Dan's new love interest. The war gets out of hand and soon they're attacked. West and Cain are like "Fuck this" and they go back home.

Yes, the same hospital as the first film took place in. I'm surprised they're even welcomed there. Wouldn't they have heard by now that these two might have had something to do with all the weird crap that happened?

Well, one cop, Det. Leslie thinks so, and he spends the first half of the film stalking them, talking to people, including Dr. Graves. Dr. Graves is holding all the evidence from the big "massacre" that happened in the hospital, including West's Re-Agent.

West and Cain share a house again and this time West wants to create new life with his Re-Agent stuff. Basically, this film is "Frankenstein" but a bit reworked. So West has been stealing body parts from the hospital, which is making everyone notice.

Fran shows up and starts throwing herself on Dan, almost immedately fucking. Det. Leslie shows up out of nowhere and bursts into West's secret lab, finding all the body parts. Leslie is pissed cause one of the people West worked on in the first film was his wife, who's now a drooling idiot zombie in the hospital's psych ward. Leslie attacks West, who uses this new potion that gives people heart attacks (don't ask, it's complicated) on Leslie, killing him.

Of course West brings him to life and Leslie freaks out, attacking Fran, her dog, and Dan. Soon, he runs out of the house. Fran freaks out when West re-animates Fran's dead dog, and attaches a human hand to it. Dan slowly starts to think "What the fuck am I doing?"

At the hospital, Dan is also falling for a dying patient named Gloria. She's got some mystery disease and she ends up dying from it. When they both agree Gloria has a pretty head (uh oh) West does in fact steal it for their West/Cain monster going on in the basement.

With Dan completely flipped the fuck out, he helps West bring Gloria-monster to life!

Meanwhile, Dr. Graves finds the head of Dr. Hall from the first film, and stupidly brings him back to life. Hall wants revenge on West and tells Graves to do his bidding, which he won't. Thankfully, Leslie comes by to free his drooling zombie wife and decides to help Hall seriously attaching his head to bat wings.

Gloria-monster comes to life and West recieves a mysterious package. He opens it and finds Hall-bat inside.

You know, this is a weird ass movie.

So all hell breaks loose, with zombies running around. And West was experiementing on the side by attaching weird limbs to other weird parts and they start attacking. Soon, the entire house is full with undead people trying to attack Dan, West, and Fran, who wants in on the deal suddenly or something. Gloria-Monster falls for Dan, but he rejects her cause she's nothing but a punch of living tissue just working together. Gloria-Monster don't handle rejection well and she rips herself apart.

Soon, they all break into a moseleum which is next door to their house (they lived in a mortuary you see) but it's an old mosulem, so when Hall-Bat bumped into a beam, the entire thing came crashing down, killing all the zombies, burying West, and making Hall-Bat just scream. Dan and Fran (Hey! That rhymed! I get it now!) lived.

So of course there was a sequel "Beyond Re-Animator". They don't really mention how West got out of that rubble but he survived.

The start of "Beyond" starts off like a slasher film, which had me thinking this was the wrong movie. There's two kids in a tent telling ghost stories when they hear something in the bushes. Inside the house is one of the kid's older sister Emily. She's being stalked by a POV camera. When the kids come running in, the POV camera reveals itself to be a walking zombie. Ah, now it's a Re-Animator film.

The zombie soon kills Emily in front of her brother Howard. The police come in and stop the zombie. Soon, they're arrest West for the murder of Emily. Howard watches as West drops a syringe of Re-Agent and he picks it up.

13 years later, we find West has been in prison for that duration and the Warden of the prison is giving a tour/interview to Laura, a hot reporter chick. Also on this day a grown up Howard starts as the resident doctor. He chose that prison so he could work with West, who gets assigned as his assistant.

West has been busy experimenting on rats, one of whom belongs to Rat Guy, a former prisoner. Rat Guy isn't happy that his rat is gone and knows West did something with him. West learned how to fix the re-animated corpses that tend to go crazy, as we've seen in the past two films. West experiments on some Big Ugly Dude who had a heart attack but it doesn't go right and he ends up like all the others. So West then introduces his new theory, which is after using the Re-Agent, zap them with some electrical stuff that comes from the body after it dies.

West and Howard test this on Pet Rat turning it from a blood thirsty zombie to a docile rat. West gives it back to Rat Guy before West gets shivved. Armed with this knowledge, they're anxious to get to work. Laura, who's been fucking Howard for a few weeks now, wants to learn more about West, so she goes back to the prison to snoop around.

But Warden, who's a militaristic asshole, wants to bone Laura too. So when Laura breaks into the sell of Big Ugly Dude and he starts to attack, Warden finds out and makes her bark like a dog...for some reason. When she tries to run away, he strangles her.

The guards take Laura's body to Howard, who's pissed off. West sees this has the perfect opportunity to test his new idea on a human. He gives her the Re-Agent, but they need a human brain electricity. Hmm...thankfully here comes Warden, to yell some more. West kills Warden and takes his brain electricity and transfers it to Laura. She comes alive but...starts acting like a militaristic asshole. Hmmm...

Rat Dude notices that his rat isn't acting the same and he thinks West switched rats on him. Big Ugly Dude roams free in the prison, letting Rat Dude out of his cell. Rat Dude then proceeds to let all the prisoners out and a full blown prison riot happens!

Laura is confused and angry at the same time and catches the eye of Rat Dude, who wants to rape her dead. The asshole part takes over and she takes care of him and his posse in no time flat.

West sees the riot has the perfect chance to escape but he decides to get revenge on the warden by bringing him back to life and giving him brain electricity of a rat. Warden comes back to life and starts acting like a human sized rodent. Laura is slowly fully transforming into an asshole. Warden comes by and tries to make Laura go down on him, which she does, but soon, she bites down and throws up dick. Now the rat has a new toy to play with.

Big Ugly Dude finds the hot nurse and begs for forgiveness after ripping her clothes off (boobies woo!). When she forgives him, he, seriously, bits her boob off.


Laura discusses her relationship by kicking Howard's ass repeatedly. A major showdown ensues with Laura vs Howard and West vs Warden. West gets Warden in the electric chair, straps him in and fries the bastard. Laura is about to choke Howard when he finds a knife and cuts her head off. West steals Howard's ID badge to get past the guards outside. Inside, Howard has gone fucking insane and just laughs and laughs and laughs.

So Howard is crazy, Laura is headless, and West is free to do whatever in the 4th movie that's sure to follow. And for some reason, we keep getting footage of the rat playing with the Warden's dick, which is alive for some reason. Ok.

I thought this was alright. It's definately not anything like the original. I sometimes felt sorry for Dan but also wondered why he's doing this crazy shit. West is a major asshole who only cares about himself. In a way he reminds me of Ben from "Lost". He does asshole things and talks good people into doing them with him. But the more it went on, the cooler it got, especially the scene where they bring back the "Bride" and all the craziness that went on inside the house. The Hall Bat thing was weird though.

This movie was pretty good. I dug it. I was a bit confused on why 98% of the cast and crew were Hispanic and/or Latin. I guess the only place they could make this movie was in Mexico or something. The idea of putting the brain electricity in people to make them act normal, but then they start inhibiting the behaviors of the people the brain electricity came from was a cool idea. We get to see a lot of tits, which is always a plus in my book. And there was a lot of un-intentional humor, like when Laura was dead, but the actress was clearly moving her eyes under her eyelids. Then there's the whole thing with the rat and dick...

Yeah I quite liked this movie.


Sunday, April 05, 2009

Day 5: Jeepers Creepers 2

This movie is fucking retarded.

I saw the first film back in 2001 when it was first released on VHS (Ah, those were the days). I quite enjoyed it. It had the right kind of creepiness, the right kind of mystery, the right kind of suspense. The title was kinda stupid but I dealt with it. But imagine my surprise when I heard there was a sequel cause I don't remember the first doing that great. Granted, now a days horror movies don't need to do "good" just "kinda ok" in order to get a sequel.

But I refuse to call this a sequel cause nothing in this film resembles, or even mentions, except for maybe two things, the first film. And the two things are this:

1. Every 23 years "It" comes out and feeds for 23 days.
2. Some dude who may or may not be the dude from the first film is missing his eyes.

That's it. I hate this movie.

So we start off with a farm family as Little Kid is putting up scarecrows. He notices one of them moves and when he investigates, finds it's quite alive and is taken away. Dad (played by Laura Palmers dad...seriously!) and Dad Jr watch as Little Kid flies away forever.

Now we're following the exploits of Douchebag High and their football team The Douches! All the guys sing this annoying fight song, all the girls are like "Whatever!" and all the geeks are "Why are we here?". Apparently Douchebag High won their big game or something but Scotty, the mildly racist asshole, is pissed cause "he didn't get to play".

Soon, the bus' tire blows out and the bus driver finds some ninja throwing star made out of skin and bone in the tire. This gives us the chance to watch THE GAYEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD to interact with each other.

They sunbath on the roof of the bus shirtless. And, seriously, they all piss together. Come on guys, you know comedians talk about this all the time. "Why is it that women have to go to the bathroom together in a pack? You never see men doing this?" And yes, they're all open with their dicks out, practically shoving them into each other's hands and stuff. I knew there was something to all that butt patting going on.

Then they have the gall to pick on this guy Izzy, who may or may not be gay. Dudes, you're showing each other your dicks, I don't think you have the right to call anyone gay.

After some "Dawson/90210/One Tree Hill" crap with Scotty and Izzy and the black dudes, the bus driver decides to drive anyway. Then suddenly it turns to "Final Destination" when one chick gets psychic visions of "It" attacking the school bus. And Justin Long. She sees Justin Long as well. And sure enough, here it comes, blowing out the other tire.

Soon, it eats both coaches and the bus driver, leaving these asshole and/or retarded football players, the cheerleaders, and whoever the geeks are suppose to be alone. It's safe to say the remainder of the film takes place on this damn bus.

Well, we do get some scenes of Farmer Palmer building something but we don't quite see what.

Back at the bus, some minor WB crap happens when "It" appears, and I swear this was borderline parody cause "It" was winking all stupid, smiling all weird, and practically making an ass out of itself. According to Suddenly Psychic "It's" picking out who to eat.

"It" manages to rip a hole in the roof and grab one student, but someone finds a long pointy stick and stabs it in the heart, letting the student go. It passes out while flying, landing on the bus, shattering all the windows. The Douche Students try to leave but they're so retarded they don't know that all buses have EMERGENCY WINDOWS when the doors won't open.

Soon, "It" wakes up, grabs some guys head (in the movies only cool scene) and digests it. Now it has energy (and a new head) to fight these retards. Scotty is like "fuck this, I'm racist eat the black people" and leaves, but "It" comes flying around and the students just run out into the open field.

One of the nerdy kids got ahold of Farmer Palmer, who is on the hunt for "It", on a CB radio on the bus. Farmer Palmer is coming to the rescue! But first, "It" throws a knife into Scotty's arm, pinning it to a tree. Since everyone's retarded, they can't simply pull the knife out without it taking 20 minutes. When they finally do, "It" snatches Scotty up, to cry out in douchebag pain.

Finally, here comes Farmer Palmer and the thing he was working on was some large ass harpoon gun that he uses to shoot at "It". I shouldn't have to tell you this doesn't work. all. "It" drags the truck down the road, even flipping it over, totally totalling it. (I mention this for a reason.)

Izzy, a black dude, and some chick (like the other characters have names, pfft) find a truck and try to outrun "It", who's gunnin' after them. Izzy pulls the whole "I'm gonna suddenly stop and hope it keeps flying forward, then it realizes we've stopped, gets distracted and, I dunno, just die from stupidity or something" trick. Well, only one part worked: the suddenly stopping part. Everything else...not so much.

The truck completely flips around, so much that it decides to explode, killing Izzy and I guess the chick. Black dude is alive but his leg is broken. "It" lost it's wing and a leg (also important to remember). It manages to pounce on black dude and is about to eat him when...

Farmer Palmer and his truck comes along and shoots "It". WHAT?? The truck was fucking totalled! There's no way the truck was driveable AND the harpoon still worked. Fuck you movie. Fuck. You.

So Farmer Palmer has a show down with "It" continually stabbing it but that don't work. "It" goes "Fuck this" and cocoons itself. Farmer Palmer starts celebrating but Suddenly Psychic says "Uh, it's not dead. The 23 days are up." Farmer Palmer reminds her he killed his own daughter so shut the fuck up and let him celebrate.

So now we see some old truck driving up to a farm and three teenagers (the two dudes are shirtless, I swear the film makers were gay, not that it's a bad thing but why all the shirtlessness?) come out. On the farm it says "BAT OUT OF HELL TO SEE $5". And some old dude is like "Yep. Five bucks. My daddy killed it."

To spell it out, this guy is Farmer Palmer, Jr and it's now "23 years later". "It's" hanging in the farm, full skeleton (including the leg which wasn't there when it died but whatever) and here comes Old Man Farmer Palmer to say yup he killed it. And now he's waiting for it to come back alive to kill it again. And thankfully that's it.

Fuck I hate this movie. I hated every character. Everything they did was stupid. And I kept calling it "It" cause this isn't the Creeper from the first film. Sorry it isn't. They pulled a Troll 2 on us here or something. And you wanna know the fucked up part? This was produced by FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA! Yes THAT Francis Ford Coppola! How do you go from "The Godfather" to this? WHY??

That's it, I'm done. Screw this movie.


The Fight For #1: Week 14 Results

I hate movie goers in this country. Really? I mean really? Why? I'm sure you all saw the first three. What could be so freakin' different about this movie? It's not like anybody watches these movies for the drama or the stories. Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.

This Week's Scores:
Me, Fletch, Maria,: 9
Bobbie: 5

Now if you excuse me, I got a horror movie waiting for me.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Day 4: Updated Review: Cabin Fever

I take a look back at Eli Roth's first film.

Cabin Fever


Friday, April 03, 2009

Day 3: Tenebre

I decided to add a giallo to the line up since I haven't seen one before. I got the idea from Cinema Diabolica, which is an awesome podcast and you should give it a listen sometime. I kinda just picked this one randomly, not knowing anything about it before hand.

Story starts with writer Peter Neal in New York on his way to Rome to promote his latest mystery novel "Tenebre". While in the airport, he gets a call on the phone and he rather stupidly leaves his carry on bag alone on the floor while he gets the call. So this is probably the reason why you get asked if the bag was in your possession the entire time anytime you fly anywhere. Thanks "Tenebre"!

Anyway, in Rome some girl is shoplifting a copy of Tenebre and is caught by the middle aged security guard. Shoplifter offers Security Guard sex in exchange to let her go and being a middle aged security guard he takes her up on the offer and lets her go. She gets a ride on a motorcycle (kinda unsafely, she had both of her legs on one side, but what do I know about motorcycles in Rome?) and arrives home. There, she's accosted by some crazy hobo who wants to rape her. She manages to run away in time to the non-safety of her house cause she gets her throat slit and her mouth stuffed with pages of Peter's book.

Peter arrives and meets with his agent John Saxon. Yes, THAT John Saxon. I'm gonna just tell you now that this movie really really slows down at parts, mainly the parts with John Saxon, oddly enough. Since Saxon is just an agent, all he and Peter talk about is business and books and stuff.

The Captain of the Rome Police meets with Peter and tells him about Shoplifter and that he got a threatening letter. So Peter is the key to the whole thing since the murder resembled a murder in his book.

After some meeting with a womens lib reporter and a weirdo TV talk show host, we get to more killings, this time a lesbian couple. One girl in the couple feels like dick tonight and picks up some random dude in a bar/arcade. I guess they have those in Rome? I should ask my Dad, he went to Rome.

Anyway, the other girl in the lesbian couple is pissed and when she gets home she finds that the dude boned her girlfriend already. More pissed off, she has a drink while the maybe Bi-Sexual Girl puts on an album.

I forgot to mention the music. This is a late 70's/early 80's film so the entire soundtrack is generic disco music. The song being played here by Bi-Sexual Girl is the same song as the opening credits, so I guess anytime we hear this song, it means she's playing this album. Of course the killer is here and kills Bi-Girl. Pissed Off Girl finds Bi-Girl and gets killed herself.

Then it slows down again as we're introduced to some characters like Marie, the 17-year-old daughter of the Hotel Manager that runs the hotel Peter is in. There's also Peter's ex-girlfriend and/or wife Jill. Then there's Ann, Peter's assistant, and Johnny, John Saxon's assistant. See, all these characters are here to make us go "Hmm...which one is the killer?" since all the females in this movie make a point to throw in "or her" when asked "So the killer went in and he-". Cause it'd be sexist to think only men kill or something.

Johnny takes Marie out on a date but I guess things don't go so good cause he drops her off in the middle of nowhere. She's pissed off and starts walking when suddenly an angry german shepherd appears.

The dog chases Marie and attacks her. She fights the dog off and appears at a house...a house we seen the killer leave a few minutes ago! GASP! She runs inside the house and finds pictures of dead chicks and cut up letters to use as ransom notes and some kind of schedule, which I guess maps out who he's gonna kill when. And a file we seen the killer use, pulling out a file on Prostitutes, under P. I guess you can call this "organized crime"! *rimshot*

Anyway, Marie tries to take this stuff as proof she's in the killer's house but instead of instantly leaving (yeah there's a dog outside but she could find something quickly to beat the dog off her or something) she lingers around until the killer shows up and, well, kills her.

So now Peter starts his own investigation and remembers how creepy the TV host guy sounded and something he said sounded similar to a note Peter got from the killer, so he and Johnny decide to check it out. Johnny goes in to take a closer look and he finds TV Host (by the way the TV host totally lives in the house Marie was in) reading stuff then suddenly he gets killed himself!

Johnny runs away and finds Peter knocked out by a rock. Johnny didn't get a look at the killer but the entire thing is haunting him. The next day, Peter meets with Saxon and says he's gonna leave Rome cause his life is in danger. Saxon is like "Uh, ok. By the way I'm totally banging Jill, your ex" but Peter was long gone by the time Saxon said this.

So Peter goes to leave Rome. Johnny goes back to TV Host's house and realizes that TV Host was the killer but then someone killed him! GASP! So Johnny goes to tell the police this but he gets strangled. Saxon is out in the street just watching people fight and argue when he gets stabbed. Jill feels nervous and paranoid and calls Ann to come over to discuss things when the killer bursts in and chops off Jill's arm, in the gorest scene I've seen in a long time.

A girl shows up and the killer kills her when it's revealed that the killer is...



Peter! WHA??? I know, it don't make a whole lotta sense, but he killed TV Host guy, who was the original killer and now he's...killing other people randomly. Well, he probably killed Johnny so he don't remember seeing Peter kill TV Host. And he probably killed Jill for humping Saxon. And he killed Saxon for humping Jill. Ok, so it somewhat makes sense.

But the girl Peter killed wasn't Ann like he thought but the female cop working with Police Captain, who both come in and find Peter. Peter slits his own throat, but when Captain and Ann are out in the car and Captain comes back in, he finds Peter's body gone and that Peter used a fake knife with fake blood inside it.

Of course Peter is right behind Captain and he kills him. Ann hears a comotion and goes to investigate. This is kinda hard to describe. There's this tall spikey thing that fell over and when Ann pushed open the door the spikey thing fell the other way, hitting Peter in the stomach, killing him once and for all.

There was stuff in between that I didn't mention, like all the weird dreams/memories the killer is having throughout the movie and how much nudity there was, but all that stuff you kinda have to see for yourself. Yeah I spoiled it but now you can just watch for the scenery of the whole thing.

This was directed by Dario Argento, who kinda reminds me of an Italian Hitchcock, the way he pans around things and has stuff happening far away from where the camera is and stuff. This is just my opinion, so don't leave a comment saying "YOU SUCK! ARGENTO IS NO HITCHCOCK! YOU A COCK!"

Overall, this movie is pretty interesting to watch. I tried not to get too bored during the slow parts, cause in a way it works here in this movie. The pacing is ok, unlike modern day horror films where killings happen one after an other for 50 minutes straight. Nothing wrong with that, per se, but a little pacing and set up and mood doesn't hurt either.


Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 14

I'm posting this early cause of 30 Days of Horror and I probably won't have time tomorrow.

Coming out this week:
Adventureland & Fast and Furious. I'm gonna hope that maybe not a lot of kids saw Monsters vs Aliens and it enjoys another week in the top spot cause I really really hope America isn't stupid enough to go see FF. At least make Adventureland number two.

As I stated, new month, we all start at zero so it's anybody's game as long as you participate.

Here's a reminder on last weeks top ten:

Good luck!

Day 2: Basket Case 2

You all know how much I loved "Basket Case" so much, that I gave it the first ever 5 star review? Well, I just HAD to check out the sequel. And I knew going in it was gonna be a weird movie but boy was I unprepared for HOW weird.

It picks up right at the end of "Basket Case" with Duane and his brother Basket Bro (Belial) falling from the hotel in New York City. Instead of dying, they're both just "badly hurt" while the media has a feeding frenzy. Watching this on the news is Granny Ruth and her granddaughter Susan. They feel sympathetic and want to help out the Weirdo Twins.

Duane and Belail are checked into a hospital when Duane wakes up and starts to bust out with his brother. Duane puts Belail in a garbage can, which considering how he was tossed out in the first film would make him nervous but whatever, and they manage to hobble out without anyone thinking twice. Granny and Susan show up in a pedo-van and take them to Mutant Academy!

Well ok, it's actually a sactuary for other "freaks" like Belail and boy are there ever interesting looking freaks in this place. There's a dude with 90 foot teeth, some dude made up entirely of noses, a lady with a long ass neck, a frog dude, and a living gargoyle. There's more but I don't remember them all. Among this group though is some mysterious looking woman they call Edith, whom Belail immedately falls for.

And Duane starts falling for Susan, since she's the only normal looking person under the age of 80. Soon enough, a sleazy tabloid journalist comes snooping around, wanting a scoop on the twins. Marcie (the journalist) calls up this old guy in this movie's first laughable moment.

This old guy, Barker has a sideshow freak exhibit and he claims to have the dead body of Belail. (They stuck with the names that resemble what the characters do, cause he's like a carnival "barker", ya see.) Marcie gives him a call and promises him 100 smackers (his words) to visit the body of Belail. He gets overly excited at the prospect of a 100 smackeroonies (also his words) that he gets things up and running. Granny pays him a visit and thinks the entire thing is wrong and horrible and to show her dislike, she sics the REAL Belail on Barker, killing him, leaving Marcie to find the body.

Duane desperately wants to leave and go be normal and wants to take Susan with him, but her place is there with Granny and the other "non-normals". Then Marcie shows up and spots Duane, which threatens the others in the house right to live a normal life. Since it's Duane's fault Marcie knows about the place, he promises to stick around and help fight against Marcie and other nosy people. Granny dresses up in a priests robe, for some reason, and gives a General Patton-esque speech before setting their plan in motion.

First Marcie and this photographer guy Arty come by at night in hopes to get pictures of Duane and Belail. He ends up with more than he bargined for when the entire household attacks him. One of them takes his camera and plays with the flash, so the entire killing scene has a strobe effect the entire time.

Marcie freaks out and calls her friend Phil, a private detective for help. He calls Duane and asks to meet him someplace. They go to a bar and Duane is there, but Duane is pissed that Phil is sticking his nose in his business and that he keeps saying things like deformed freaks.

Duane then stands up and asks the bar if maybe he and Phil are the freaks and in another laughable scene, it's revealed that all the bar patrons are the house residents in "disguses". I put that in quotes cause they all wore the same sized masks but some of these guys' faces are too large for the mask so it's like why bother? But I know it was done on purpose so well done movie, well done.

Phil then meets with Belail and he takes his sweet time killing him. Finally, the only person left is Marcie and they meet her at her apartment. They all somehow quietly snuck in and start teasing and attacking her and don't ask me how but they managed to twist her face skin so much she looks like a unicorn.

Now THAT's A Knife!

With everyone out of the way, the house celebrates by eating burgers and corn on the cob. Susan checks in on Duane and he wants to get it on with her. But she reveals she has a secret. Apparently she got it on with one of the Aliens from "Alien" and now has a six-year-old Alien fetus living in her stomach. This freaks Duane out so much that he lightly pushes her, she goes flying half way across the room and flies out of the window, killing her.

Granny tells the "gang" to find Duane, who is freaking out. Meanwhile, Belail and Edith are fucking and you haven't lived until you see two blobbly things fucking.

So Duane goes full on crazy and decides maybe he is a freak and it's time he reconnects with his brother, so to speak. He hits Belail over the head with a bat, grabs him, then with a large ass sewing needle, connects him back to his side. And this is how Granny and the Gang find them when the movie ends.

Yep, that's the end. There's a third one, called The Progeny which I guess means Belail has a kid as a result of the above sex scene? Yes, I shall check that out soon.

So this one doesn't compare to the greatness of the first film, but it's still pretty damn good. Everything about it is so laughable that you can't help have a good time watching it. And the budget was probably a bit more, since Belail got to move around this time without the help of clay animation. This is totally one of those get some friends with some beers and pizza movies. And even though we're clearly watching this cause we seen the first film, they keep showing us footage that explains Belail and Duane. So you can kinda go in blindly and still enjoy it.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Day 1: Saw V

And so we begin with the V installment of the Saw series. It's called V cause it feels like the 22nd film on this never-ending franchise. I've taken on Part IV last year, and this film....doesn't pick up where that left off. Well, kinda.

The thing about the Saw films is every film travels around in time. Sometimes we're in present, sometimes we're in the past, hell sometimes we're in the future. You just never know. And every movie focuses on a different person that we never met as they unravel the secret to Jigsaw.

I'm gonna split this in three: the scenes with the "new" victims, the thrilling drama over the identity of Jigsaw, and the ending. And yes, there will be spoilers.

First the victims. First we meet Seth, some asshole guy who killed a chick. Who the chick is is explained later, but for now he's strapped to a table while a blade hangs over him. The jigsaw tape explains how to get out of it but when Seth does it, he still gets chopped in half.

Next we meet five people. The last time this series had a group of people trapped together it was ultra annoying. This time, it's slightly less annoying where only one guy is an asshole. And that asshole is none other than the dude who plays Morris from "24"! Wow, being a 24 fan pays off sometimes.

Anyway, the first trap is our five people (Morris, The Junkie, Hot Bitchy Black Chick, Chick With Big Boobs, and Fire Fighter Chick) strapped by a neck collar to some wire. They have to work together to grab a key that's in front of them. They think they all need individual keys so they all take turns going. But Fire Fighter Chick didn't do it in time and she got decapitated.

They proceed to the next room, where they have to shatter jars to find three keys. Morris acts like a big asshole beating up on all the chicks and shattering the jars. Black Chick one-up's Morris and manages to save her ass, along with Big Boobed Chick and Junkie. Morris doesn't make it when a Nail Bomb goes off.

In the next room, they have to charge up the electric door to get them open, which involves them getting in a bathtub full of water. Big Boobed Chick stabs Black Chick and throws her in the tub while she and Junkie put the electric charges on her body, opening the door.

In the last room, they find a box with saws spinning and they have to cut open their hands to have blood fill up a vial which will release the door. Junkie doesn't make it but Big Boobed Chick....does I think?

So a word on the traps. They seem...I dunno a bit over the top. It's like Jigsaw is some electrial genius or something to have everything open at the right time and the timers start right when the video tapes says "You have 3 minutes". I mean if I did that, the timer would probably start too early or the vial would only need one little drop of blood to open up the door.

In other words, I'd make a terrible Jigsaw.

So onto the drama/thriller part. We focus on two cops, Hoffman and Peter, who look identical. I kept wondering if that was gonna play out somehow. We find Peter finding dead Jigsaw from Part III and he goes off into a room. There, someone knocks him out and put his head in a glass box that slowly fills with water. He manages to pull out a pen and give himself a Trach job so he don't drown.

Next we see Hoffman coming out with a little girl. This was probably all referenced in Part IV but I'll be damned if I remember. Anyway, Peter is still alive and he somehow knows Hoffman is the new Jigsaw! So Peter spends the entire movie going to all the different rooms we seen throughout the series and somehow psychically knowing how it all played out.

Turns out the thing with Seth happened a long ass time ago and it was Hoffman's doing. Jigsaw was slightly pissed at Hoffman for copycating his game so he tells Hoffman "Help me out or I'll blackmail yo ass" so Hoffman becomes the male Amanda, helping out Jigsaw. Jeez, I didnt think it would be that easy for Jigsaw to recuit people. I guess setting up an office in a strip mall that reads "JIGSAW RECUIT! SIGN UP TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVLY KILL PEOPLE TODAY!" didn't work out so well. The jigsaw puppet looking like Uncle Sam and pointing at you and stuff...


So because the hard core "Saw" fans needed something to salivate over, we see Jigsaw setting up the traps in Part 2 and 3. They don't really add anything to the story, they just wanna mindfuck us to death.

Hoffman is aware that Peter knows who he is so he tries to set him up by stealing his cell phone from evidence that got there somehow and is still active somehow and calling the head of the FBI Bluetooth Douche. Bluetooth Douche, because of this and tracking Peter's phone to New Jigsaw's headquarters, thinks Peter is now Jigsaw and puts out an ABP on him.

So now the ending. Peter follows Hoffman to some place and finds a trap waiting for him. There's a glass box with broken glass inside it but he don't get inside. When Hoffman checks on him, Peter throws him in the box going "NYAH NYAH NYAH!!" until the walls start closing in and Hoffman is now in the only safe spot in the room. Slowly the glass box goes into the ground and Peter gets squished and...the end.

Yeah, these Saw movies are known to end suddenly.

So almost every shot of this movie took place in some abandoned building. Where the hell do these movies take place where there's so many abandoned buildings? Is Jigsaw the Poor Man's (literally) Donald Trump or something?

And I don't care what the Sawfanatics say, there's no way all this was planned from the first movie. Go back and watch that one and see how different it is from the other movies. And if it was planned from the getgo, how come the dudes that made the first one aren't involved with any of the sequels?

Yeah, thought so.

Anyway, I gotta be honest, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's definately better than Parts 2, 3, and 4 combined, which is saying a lot. Of course there's gonna be a part VI coming this Halloween and it's suppose to be the last that ties up any plot holes, which considering, is a lot.