CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: Episode 1

I figure if I'm gonna be doing all things Chuck Norris, I might as well do one of his most famous bodies of work: Episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger", the CBS show that ran for 8 years. Yes, 8 years of Chuck Norris beating up bad guys every week. I'm as surprised as you are.

Hell, it seemed like the writers were surprised too. The first episode is an hour and a half long and has a million stories going on, it's like "Well, we have all these neat ideas for Walker, but what if the show doesn't get picked up? We'll just put them all in the first episode.

Well, here's what you need to know before getting into the episode and any episode that's gonna be covered this week. Chuck Norris is Cordell "Cord" Walker, Texas Ranger. He lives with his Indian Uncle Ray. Walker is half Indian. Walker actually discusses his bloodline in this episode which I'll get to later cause it's crutial to one of the stories.

Walker also has a friend named C.D who use to be a ranger, now he runs a bar, which serves as our hang out spot when Walker isn't home or at the office. C.D is the one that gets Walker in comical situations.

Texas Rangers, especially Walker, don't play by the rules. There, I think I covered the main stuff. Some other info will pop up later in this episode.

This episode is titled "One Riot, One Ranger" and it actually is said at one point. Just to get it out of the way now, supposedly it's the motto for the Texas Rangers but I have no idea what that means so I have my doubts.

When the episode starts, there's action already happening. In fact we missed something. Some dude is shot on the ground, a truck is on fire, and some other dude is holding shot dude. There are four guys with guns taking money from the truck on fire and talking about going to Mexico.

The credits roll and we clearly see a non-bearded white guy driving through them. I wonder who he is. It's not Chuck Norris. He has a beard. And is only half white. Oh well. The credits end and we find Non-Chuck Norris in Mexico. He stops at a bar where the four robbers are celebrating when the doors open and...Chuck Norris is standing there.

The fuck? Was the white dude DRIVING Walker there? It's CLEARLY a white dude driving. Oh well. Anyway, Walker steps into the bar and tells the robbers they're under arrest. The robbers laugh this off cause they're in Mexico and Walker doesn't have jurisdiction there. Clearly, they never seen a Chuck Norris movie. He's like The Goddamn Batman, he has no jurisdiction.



Walker fights them, which knocks them out and he drags them back to Texas. Now that we got the exposition stuff out of the way, onto our story. There's a bank robbery (another robbery? Does each episode have a theme to it's crime? Next week: kidnapping!) and there's clearly a fake blind guy in the crowd. I say it's clear cause the fake beard he has on isn't that convincing. The robbers steal the money but take too long. At one point a teller set off the silent alarm and the only Ranger to answer is this young guy named Mogley who is Walker's best buddy. You just know he's gonna live a full long life.

Mogley arrives at the bank as the robbers are leaving and Mogley shoots one, but the fake blind dude walks out and shoots Mogley. Aw dang. He was gonna propose to his girlfriend too. So now that Walker heard about his friend's death, he's taking this case personally!

Onto plot 2! This chick who isn't given a name asks Walker if he can take in some circus performers. I know, probably the most random thing to ask somebody. I should ask someone I work with if they'll take in some circus performers and see how that goes.

Well, the reason for this is a young female trapeeze artist was raped by some hicks and they keep bugging her cause she's...female? A trapeeze artist? She's clearly not speaking in any weird accent so I don't know what their problem is with her but they want her to leave the state. No-Name Gal wants to arrest the rapists but they got away the first time somehow. Yeah, this doesn't make sense now that I'm typing it all out. I guess No-Name Gal knew they would try again. Oops, I ruined the surprise.

Story three involves Walker's new partner, named Trivette. From what I can tell he's a major character throughout the series so this was his introduction to the show. He's this atheletic black dude who use to play football but he threw his shoulder out so he joined law enforcement cause that's what Shaq does. Now he's a Texas Ranger. And Walker's new partner.

For some reason, Walker finds Trivette weird even though he's just a typical skinny black dude. Everybody in this episode/show has some weird underlying issues that are never dealt with.



Walker returns home to find the circus performers there and Trapeeze Artist Chick is quiet. Walker realizes she's hurt from being raped and decides to cheer her up...by talking about his his parents was BRUTALLY MURDERED WHEN HE WAS 12! Holy crap, maybe Walker is The Goddamn Batman!

So his parents were murdered cause his dad was full blooded Cherokee and his mom was full blooded white. They had Cordell and things were good until they went to a carnival one night and Walker had fun until it was time to go. Then some typical racists came up and gave Papa Walker some shit and since he fathered Chuck Norris, he's an even bigger bad ass and tried to kick some ass. But it didn't work so well and he was stabbed. Then they cut open Mama Walker's stomach and she died.

Believe it or not this opens up Trapeeze Artist and she starts crying and somehow feels better. So next time your life sucks remember, Walker's parents died. Feel better now?

Our main villian this week is some Bruce Campbell wanna be who is planning the perfect heist. He's interviewing wackos for the job and need explosives. He talks to one guy named Colt, who's a bit off. Fake Bruce isn't too happy with Colt and beats him up and look for another guy, who makes bombs that look like giant flies. I'm serious.

Walker and Trivette manage to track down Colt and it's discovered that Colt and Trivette have a history together. No, not like that, regardless of what that last picture says. Colt is afraid of Trivette for some reason and squeals like a canary...or something.

When they're not working, Walker keeps asking Trivette all these annoying questions about his life like why be a ranger and why drink juice and why wear glasses and ugh shut up and kick some ass!

Thankfully, the rapists show up at Walker's place and is about to do their thing when Walker returns home and takes care of them. It's a great scene actually and kinda funny. He breaks one dude's nose, then fixes it, then says "Nah it looked better before" and RE-BREAKS it! Oh wow!!

With the closure of one storyline brings in another. C.D told somebody that Walker will ride a bull for chariaty but without Walker's permission. Walker is like "WHAT? Oh you wacky best friend you!" and happy music plays.

Back to our bad guy, his plan is to knock over four banks at the same time. Who's this dude, Danny Ocean? Actually, it's almost like "Ocean's 11", with a billion people involved and all of them having a part in the robbery. The robbery itself is a bit involved so I'll have to break it down.

1. They send a fly bomb to a totally different bank nowhere near their bank. When this fly bomb goes off, all the cops think that bank is being robbed, even though blown up shit and robberies are two different things.
2. One team goes into one bank dressed like ambulance drives.
3. Another team goes into another bank dressed like Mexicans driving a lunch truck.
4. A guy drives a truck full of gas, which he blows up with a bomb, maybe a fly bomb. I thought since all the gas was being spilled all over the road, the entire city was gonna blow up but only the truck did. This seemed pointless.

Of course, since Walker is there, only 1 thing went right and that was the truck full of gas part. Walker either shot or kicked all the robbers save for Fake Bruce Ocean, who he ran after for 10 seconds, then handed his ass to him. I forget this was made for TV so they couldn't have a big 20 minute fight scene. With Bruce Ocean in jail, it's time to solve the final plot: bull riding!

Hilariously, it's obvious Chuck Norris is riding some plastic things on a studio somewhere and not on a bull. They might as well has the stunt double on the bull be a 3 foot tall overweight ballerina.

Well this was just the first episode. Next episode I'm gonna take a look at will be somewhere in the middle of the series. And Devon is gonna have some recaps of some episodes too. So stay tuned for that all week long.
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Lone Wolf McQuade

Whenever anyone says to me "Lone Wolf McQuade" I immedately respond with "FUCK YEAH!" I know, how often are people gonna say "Lone Wolf McQuade" to me but around my circles, it happens quite often. I first seen "Lone Wolf McQuade" (FUCK YEAH!) back in 2008 during B-Fest. This was a last minute substitution when the planned film broke. I was quite happy about this change. I don't remember what the scheduled movie was, but I'm sure this was ten thousand times better.

Here, Chuck Norris is J.J McQuade, a Texas Ranger. A role I guess that prepared him to later become Walker. McQuade is a "lone wolf" cause he doesn't have a partner, he lives alone, hell his house is practically in the middle of nowhere. I'm surprised his office at the station isn't miles away from everyone else.

We find McQuade all covered in dirt, looking at some bad guys taking a shitload of horses somewhere. This made me think of the opening of "Billy Jack" where I had no idea where they were taking the horses then either. Before McQuade can act, some other Texas Rangers show up to stop the bad guys. Since none of them is Chuck Norris, they're immedately captured.

So from 100 feet away and up, McQuade kills a few bad guys and finally comes face to face with the lead bad guy here, who's an over-the-top stereotypical Mexican. McQuade immdately dispatches him by kicking all his teeth out. I'm not even joking.

McQuade makes it back to the station in time to witness the retirement ceremony of his old friend Dakota, who looks like Colonal Sanders. Dakota was something of a mentor to McQuade, so you know his numbers up. Plus he also kinda looks like Sam Elliot, which made me think of "Roadhouse", which also had a mentor show up and thingd didn't work out too good.

The Chieff is pissed at McQuade for being a "lone wolf" and he partners him up with Kayo, a Hispanic Ranger who's probably only 15. Kayo desperately wants to be McQuade's friend/partner, but McQuade isn't having any of that.

We meet McQuade's daughter and ex-wife, but they're still friends cause even she understands that to him it's Job, Kicking Ass, then Woman, in that order. McQuade takes Sally, his daughter, to go horse back riding with Dakota. There, they meet This Movie's Hot Chick Lola, whom McQuade admires from afar. Sally's horse gets spooked and starts to go wild and only Lola can stop it. Of course.

We find out that Lola is "partners" with David Carradine. Yes Fuckin' David Carradine is in this shit! NOW you see why I go "FUCK YEAH" when this movie is mentioned. And of course Carradine is our bad guy so the final showdown is gonna be fucking awesome. Well, anyway, Carradine is a gun smuggler. That's about all you need to know.

Lola eventually falls for the manliness of Chuck Norris and even shows up at his place and starts cleaning his house. Yeah, that's something I been noticing. Every movie with Norris has his character be a total slob. Is Chuck Norris a slob in real life? Or does he seem to be the kind of guy that would be? I guess ass kicking champion=total slob. Hey, I'm sort of a slob, what does that make me?

Eventually, McQuade allows Kayo to be his partner as they go around kicking ass. Sally and her boyfriend are off making out when he spots something illegal going on and as a result he's shot. Sally is then pushed off a cliff in a car. And she only gets away with minor cuts and bruises. Seriously.

McQuade's now pissed and wants to know who's responsible. He decides to ask the Huggy Bear of this movie, named Snow what's up and a big shoot out occurs. They finally snag Snow and all he could say was "INFORMER!! BIDDY BOOM BOOM YEAH!!" They take Snow to Dakota's and he gets the information out of him, which is mainly "Yeah, it's David Carradine." McQuade leaves to go have sex with Lola.

While that was happening, some of Carradine's henchmen show up and kill Snow and Dakota but not Kayo for some reason. See, when Chuck Norris isn't around, bad things happen. McQuade's even more pissed off and cause he interfered with a F.B.I investigation, he's now suspended without pay.

But one of the F.B.I agents, Jackson, says he's not a Token N-Word and doesn't do what he's told. Um, you're the only black person in this movie. Eh, nevermind. Anyway, they somehow know to fly around in the desert for hours until stumbling upon Carradine's base.

They return there that night with the worst acting F.B.I agent ever who immedately gets killed. After another shoot out the most awesome thing happens. McQuade is captured and Carradine throws him into McQuade's suped-up truck, which has a special switch to go a billion miles an hour. I could tell you about it but you need to fucking see this for yourself.



OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

I should just stop the review here cause nothing I can say, or anything that happens later, can possibly top that. Man.

But the movie goes on so I should too. McQuade finds out that his daughter has been kidnapped by Carradine and the midget from "Night Court" shows up and tells him where she was taken too. I couldn't figure out "Night Court" dude's role in this movie, he's just kinda there with information. But he's suppose to be a bad guy so whatever.

Turns out everybody is in Mexico and McQuade heads there. And of course there, there are chickens walking around. I so badly wanna go to Mexico to see if they reall have chickens walking around all freely like that. Maybe that's what "Free Range Chicken" really is.

Kayo and Jackson show up and they start hiking through some random hills until they find Carradine's hideout. McQuade instantly finds his daughter and Lola and start busting them out, but Carradine finds them and another huge shootout occurs. With many explosions and Roundhouse kicks.

So now we're at the end. Of course these two have to fight, it's Chuck Norris and David Carradine. You gotta have them fight. That's like bringing Shaq and Michael Jordan to a basketball court and only have them keep score. I'm tempted to find video of the final showdown but this is a movie you need to fucking see so I won't. But you probably already know that Carradine has to lose cause he's the bad guy.

Dude from "Night Court" shows up after Carradine dies and McQuade takes his helicopter while Night Court Dude says he's being stranded there. I guess. I still don't know what his character was about. In fact, I don't even know what his character on "Night Court" was about either. I just know Dan was afraid of him.

Anyway, our heroes fly back to America, McQuade is given some kind of honor, and now he has to rush off to stop a bank robbery. This closes our film so we don't see the ass kicking that I'm sure would've happened at the bank.

God Damn I love this movie. It's pure 80's action Chuck Norris cheese. It's basically your proto-type for any Chuck Norris film that doesn't involve Vietnam. And what set the way for "Walker, Texas Ranger". Speaking of, all next week I will be presenting recaps from different episodes of "Walker" from me and my friends ex-girlfriend-turned-Mass Invader Devon. It's gonna kick so much ass.

-Jason

Somebody Paid Too Much For Their Muffler! And A Copy of "Jaws"!

A quick little story cause this was too interesting to keep to myself.

This past holiday weekend I went back to my home-part of state Northwest Indiana. On Sunday before we left my fiance Felicia wanted to hit up a mall that I guess she finds cool. There, I roamed into a F.Y.E. I dunno if those are nationwide chains or not but it's pretty much an overpriced music and movie store. I say overpriced cause they had seasons of "Arrested Development" for 24 bucks when I can get them for 19 at Target.

Anyway, I was looking through the movies and noticed Jaws for 5.98. I stopped and went "HUH?" and looked again. I thought it was one of the many sequels that aren't as good. But nope, it was the original Jaws. And it clearly said 5.98. So I did some investigating, wondering if maybe this is one of the million "Special Editions" that came out since the dawn of DVD's. The only thing I found was it said it was the 25th Anniversary.

Then I noticed the next copy of Jaws right behind it. It was the same exact DVD copy, but with a price tag of 10.99. I grabbed that one and read it. 25th Anniversary. Same exact cover, wording, everything. I looked all over for a used sticker and didn't find out. Now I was baffled.

Well I decided to get it to see if they do in fact charge me 5.98 for it. They almost have to, don't they? So up to the counter I went with my other purchase (Kentucky Fried Movie) and sho nuff, Jaws rang up as 5.98. I went wow and paid 15 bucks for two classic movies from an overpriced store.

Lesson learned: Keep looking at the other DVD's and maybe, just maybe, you'll find it cheaper in the same store.
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Missing In Action

A double header for you, I decided to also watch 1984's "Missing In Action", one of Chuck Norris' many "war films". This movie actually has a sad story behind it. One of Chuck's brothers was in Veitnam and was an actual P.O.W and eventually got killed there. So he made this movie in his memory, which is a nice thing to do.

Now onto the killings.

Chuck takes a break from playing cops/sheriffs and plays Col. James Braddock, a former P.O.W from Veitnam. He's having a dream about his last mission, which is sort of like the opening scene in "Tropic Thunder". James wakes up and immedately turns on the Spider-Man cartoon, which we see for about 5 minutes straight.

After that, James agrees to go back to Saigon to prove to the world that there are still soilders who are Missing in Action around Veitnam. The President or whatever he was suppose to be doesn't believe him and want to try James for War Crimes. James then spots this dude that use to torture him back at the P.O.W Camp and basically says "fuck this shit" and leaves.

Later that night, James sneaks out of his hotel and goes to the President or Whatever's place and makes him tell where the P.O.W's are. After doing so, a slight scuffle occures where the President or Whatever is killed. So now James has to fight his way back to his hotel and pretend he never left, which takes FOR FUCKING EVER!

By the time it took him to get back into the hotel room, the army could've arrived at the hotel, ran up the stairs, noticed he wasn't there, put out an APB on him, did a manhunt on the streets, and make it in time for breakfast the next day. But anyway, James sneaks into this chick's room that traveled with him and they had to pretend to fuck in order to prove an alibi. The Former Torturer shows up and goes "Hm. How convientent. You must leave!" And nobody tells Chuck Norris when to leave-

Oh, he's leaving. But only to Bangkok. There, he's looking for an old friend, Tuck, played by the awesome M. Emmett Walsh. James needs a boat, some guns, a raft, and a hard boiled egg cause he's gonna go free him some P.O.W's his own damn self!

But after a 25 minute scene of James running around Bangkok while Former Torturer chases him. After a shitload of failed attempts to kill James, including when the boat takes off, they're on their way! Former Torturer sneaks onto the boat and just like that James kills him. Dang, I guess he isn't our final boss.

James arrives at the location where the P.O.W's are at and there's a lot of sneaking around, mixed in with a lot of planting bombs. One thing I do wanna mention. When James was leaving the boat, he tells Tuck if I'm not back in 12 hours, leave. Tuck realizes that James needs him so he goes with James and tells his first mate that if he's not back in 14 hours, the boat is his.

Well, James arrives at the camp in the middle of the night. After blowing shit up, he finds out that the Princess is in another castle. Or rather, the prisoners have been moved. James returns to tuck in the early morning, which has to be around the 12 hours mark.

They find the convoy carrying the prisoners and start shooting it up. They finds the prisoners inside a truck and James promises them they'll return home. But first, more escaping from gun fire! They get to the boat, where the first mate yells out "It's been 18 hours, fuckers! The boat is mine!!!" Well, that's what he SHOULD'VE yelled out. Instead he returns fire. Soon, first mate is dead and Tuck swims back to his boat, which promptly explodes. Awww, they killed Tuck.

Soon, a friendly helicopter that James hired shows up (I don't know how he knew where to go, I guess he just followed the sounds of the explosions) and they fly back to Saigon to prove that there WERE some P.O.W's! And with that, the movie ends.

The next film "Missing in Action 2: The Beginning" is a prequel of sorts. It shows James as a P.O.W and how he escaped. It does feature Chuck Norris, so I probably should check it out sometime.

As for this movie, it was pretty good. More of a watered down version of Rambo but still pretty good. Chuck Norris doesn't do a lot of karate but he doesn't go 10 minute without a gun in his hand. And if he can't kick, he sure as hell can shoot.

-Jason

New Review: Top Dog

First off, this is my 400th post! Wow!!! That totally slipped by me! Anyway, happy 400 posts to me!

Secondly, here's The Chuck Norris Dog Movie

Top Dog

Thanks and enjoy!
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Silent Rage

You probably thought I forgot. But no, I just had a long day. Between my fridge breaking down, drinking warm beer (it's not too bad, maybe I should move to England), and having a shitty day at work, I just didn't have time to write the review yet. But I most certainly watched the movie. Hells yeah.



Here, Chuck Norris plays Dan Stevens, a sheriff in a small town somewhere. I'm guessing judging by the accents it's either Texas, Arkansas, or Southern Indiana (Dear god the accents here kill me). What's disconcerning is how young Norris is here. This is a bit after his "Way of the Dragon"/"Breaker, Breaker" days but before he was known as the ass kicking machine he became known for later in his carrer.

The movie starts with the longest opening credit sequence ever with just a still shot of a stained glass window and all the cast and credits. I did a test later on. I let the credits run, I took a shower, made some breakfast, and helped take out the old broken fridge and when I came back, the directed by credit just flashed up.

With 20 minutes of the movie gone, we now focus on our bad guy, John Kirby. He's asleep in a dirty room and a bunch of kids are outside his door screaming. Soon Kirby wakes up and opens his door and some kid in a helmet he has a phone call. Then shot in real time, Kirby walks downstairs, ever so slowly, to the phone. On the other end is Tom (Ron Silver, yes THAT Ron Silver), his psyche-doctor. Kirby, having had enough with the screaming kids, the weird lady that lives with him, and apparently chickens in the back yard, tells Tom he's going crazy and hangs up the phone.

Still in real time, Kirby goes outside, grabs an ax, slowly walks inside where the weird lady spots him and runs from him, we get a homage to "The Shining", and then Kirby Axe Body Spray's the lady. Not even a minute later, here comes Stevens! Wow! He just KNOWS when there's trouble. Too bad he's late.



I have to say this movie had a horror movie feel to it at the beginning here, with Kirby. It made me forget I was in fact watching a Chuck Norris film and was a bit thrown off when he showed up.


Stevens finds Kirby and they fight for a minute, then the chase goes outside where Steven's overweight Deputy Charlie almost shoots Stevens. Finally, Stevens gets Kirby cuffed and taken into a car but Kirby isn't your typical bad guy. He has SUPER STRENGTH! He somehow BREAKS THE CUFFS and KICKS OPEN THE DOOR! Uh, isn't Chuck Norris suppose to be doing these things?

Cause of this, all the cops pump Kirby full of lead. But somehow he's still alive! Man, science didn't even get to him yet and he's already Superman. Speaking of, Tom, Phillip, and Paul, all scientists in the field of genetic engineering, are working on Kirby. After a 10 minute fight of Tom saying "NO! It's not moral to make him super human!" and Phillip saying "NO! We must test our formula!" and Paul just shrugging his shoulders and waiting to see who wins to take their side. When Tom leaves, Phillip goes "Mu ha ha ha ha!" and injects Kirby with some super secret formula that will make humans unable to die by any means.


Meanwhile we focus on Stevens for a bit as he hangs around a hospital shirtless for no good reason and he rekindles a romance with Alison, an ex-girlfriend. They never say why they broke up. Probably has something to do with winning karate championships.

We get a sex scene, which I never thought I'd see in a Chuck Norris film, but again this was an early one. Then Stevens has some jibber jabber with Charlie. They go to a diner where a biker gang is just leaving. One biker chick jokingly flirts with Charlie while the leader tries to intimadate Stevens, which is a bad idea, dude. Stevens tells the gang to get out. We'll check in later to see if they listen. (Spoiler: They don't.)

There's more scenes with Kirby's body being used for experimental purposes. I guess Kirby doesn't have any family what so ever. Or nobody cares since he's such a ruthless killer, all of two people (I didn't mention the first dude he killed cause it went by so fast).

You know, when I was watching this movie has a kid, I didn't remember all these slow scenes. I just remember the dude being unstoppable and Chuck Norris kicking his ass. When does this happen? So far it's been Norris shirtless, Alison's boobs, Ron Silver NOT acting like a bad guy, and Phillip putting weird chemicals in Kirby.



Things pick up a bit when we go back to the bikers story and Stevens find the gang being rowdy in a bar. This happens:



This only happens cause the next 25 minutes SLOWS DOWN pretty much to a grinding halt. Stevens and Alison are on again/off again. She misses his studlyness and decides to stay with him. Then we get a montage of all the ways Chuck Norris makes love. I dunno what has more sex scenes, this or "The Room".

Stevens and Alison decide to go away for the weekend. I forgot to mention two things:
1. Alison is Tom's sister.
2. Alison lives with Tom and his wife.

After Tom finds out what Phillip and Paul are doing with Kirby's body (I assure you it's not as disgusting as I just made it sound) he kinda gets into it (That just made it worse) but he thinks they went too far and now he feels all kinds of regret. Phillip more or less fires Tom and kicks him out of the lab.

Tom returns home and he's hungry! I know he's hungry cause he says he is about fifty times. His wife agrees to go out for pizza, which sets up Tom being alone for the next scene. Rather randomly, Kirby shows up. Yeah, he's very much alive. Huh. And he walks out of this super secure lab undetected. Double huh.

Anyway, Kirby shows up at Tom's and chases him around his house. Tom shoots him a bunch of times, forgetting that HE KNOWS Kirby can't get hurt. Unsurprisingly, Kirby kills Tom. Then Tom's wife returns and she gets killed by Kirby.

I'm desperately trying not to make a "Ron Silver: Today" joke here.

Alison finally returns home (by the way, this all supposedly happened in an hour, cause when Alison left Stevens she said I'll be back in an hour) and gets ready for a weekend of Chuck Norris lovin'. She finally finds the bodies of Tom and his wife and freaks out. Stevens shows up in time to comfort Alison.

For whatever reason, Stevens takes Alison to the lab Phillip and Paul worked on Kirby, who by the way returns. They find him full of bullets and wonder if Kirby killed anyone. Nah, I'm sure someone just shot him cause it'd be fun. Granted, he could've wandered into gang territory wearing the wrong colors or something. But anyway, Paul doesn't wanna do this anymore and tries to kill Kirby with sulfuric acid, which totally doesn't work. Kirby kills Paul instead with it and then looks for Phillip. Phillip thinks he's Kirby's friend but is wrongly mistaken when Kirby hugs Phillip to death.

Charlie is suppose to watch Alison while Stevens leaves for no apparent reason when they hear screams. They both check it out and run into Kirby, who also hugs Charlie to death. But it takes awhile to work on Charlie. A lot to get through. Then of course, he starts chasing after Alison.

Stevens returns to the lab and hunts for Kirby and Alison. He finally finds her and he throws Kirby out a ten story window. Again, this ending felt like a horror movie. This is pretty close to the ending of "Halloween", if Donald Pleasance won awards for being a karate master.

Of course Kirby isn't dead and another chase ensues, this time in Stevens truck. Kirby hangs on by the bumper and I realize the scene with the T-1000 chasing after Sarah and John Connor in T2 ripped this scene off. Kirby manages to sneak inside the MOVING truck and Stevens tells Alison to "GET OUT OF THE HIGH SPEED MOVING VECHICLE NOW!!" which they do and survive. Hilariously, Kirby tries to drive the truck from the back seat, but it flips over and blows up (of course).

Again, Kirby's not dead. Stevens then proceeds to do several roundhouse kicks to him, before finally shoving him down a well. For some reason, they think this stopped Kirby. I mean, yeah if they dumped cement down the well and totally encased him. But they simply let him fall and walk away. If bullets, fire, and an ass kicking by Chuck Norris can't stop him, how is a well gonna?

Well, I'm totally right cause the ending shot is Kirby rising out from the water below. I guess this was suppose to make way for Silent Rage 2: Silenter Rage!

This movie is a bit low on the Chuck Norris action. It's the only reason the bikers plot was created. It would've been better if Kirby was just going around killing people and Norris was all like "DAMN YOU KIRBY!!!" and he roundhouse kicks a parking meter or something. Instead, Kirby doesn't fully return until well past the hour mark. In its place we get lovey dovey scenes with Norris and Alison. And Ron Silver not being a bad guy. Man, Ron Silver's more fun as a bad guy. We should watch Timecop sometime.

-Jason

One of These Nights...Of Terror

Over at Final Girl, Young Fair Maiden Stacie has picked for this month's Film Club offering to be "Nights of Terror" or "The Nights of Terror" or "Burial Ground: Nights of Terror" or "M. Night Shamalyan's Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror". Prior to her picking this title, I had this movie simmering in my Netflix Queue for some time. I saw a review of this movie over at Miko Macabre's site (Damn she's hot) and the sheer WTF-ness made me have to see this movie.

So thanks to Stacie for giving me an excuse to finally do so.

There's not a whole lot to write about cause 85% of the movie is just zombies shuffling around and then eating people. But the other 15% is filled with sheer madness that I must find a way to write about this movie.

It starts off with your typical "bunch of people go to some big ass house full of stuff, including DEAD PEOPLE!" and they proceed to fuck. Not like in a big orgy or anything but everybody is a couple and all of them start fucking. The house belongs to some professor guy who looks like Jesus if he joined up with ZZ Top. The professor guy, the previous night (of non-terror) was simply moving rocks around in the dirt when the zombies simply sit up and attack him. ZZ Jesus tries to stop them by shouting out "I'm your friend!" Of course this doesn't work.



So after the fucking, everyone splits up and...proceed to try to fuck again. With the exception of the lady with the kid, Michael.

Oh ZZ Jesus, I forgot about Michael. Clearly, the person playing Michael is an adult who's height is a bit stunted. He's not exactly a midget, but he's rather small for his age. So the people who made this movie casted this dude to play a 12-year-old boy. Why? I'll get to that in a minute.

But this casting choice is creepy as hell cause this dude has a huge head on a skinny body. And he's going around calling this lady Mama and she treats him like a kid.



So anyway, everyone is around trying to fuck some more, except Mama, Michael, and dude Mama fucked the night before. They're in some pottery making place shooting a gun. Soon enough the zombies make their presence known and start attacking. Slowly. And boy do I mean SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY.

And for some reason, foreign films in the '70's liked having bear traps around. A chick gets her leg trapped in one and they spend 10 MINUTES getting her out of it. Mama and her group also get attacked and the zombies kill the dude, leaving Michael and Mama to run for their lives.

After the bear trap, they go to their cars but simply find the zombies standing 10 feet from ONE car. Realizing that's FAR too risky, they go inside. Where they board up the doors and windows and now they're safe right?

Nope. This movie turned the zombie movie genre on it's head and had these zombies know how to work tools! They use axes and machetes to break down the door. They even climb the fucking walls. Maybe this is what inspired that Radiohead song.

Slowly (yes, I still mean SLOWLY) everyone gets killed by the zombies. One chick gets killed by simply having her hair pulled. The maid gets a pretty cool kill by somehow having her hand nailed to the wall and a zombie slowly pulling sickle down on her, beheading her. Then for some reason, a dude comes and throws the rest of her body down to the zombies. I think he's secretly working for the zombies or something.

Ok so weird ass moment #1. Mama and Michael are tired of running around the house, killing zombies. They go off into the hallway and they hug each other. Soon, they start kissing. It's a light peck here and there, but Michael plants one right on his own mother! Then he starts grabbing her boobs! Then starts sliding his hand up her skirt! And then starts asking to suck on her boob!

Now I see why they hired a creepy adult to play a 12-year-old. I mean, they could just NOT have this scene but dammit, this story demands a 12-year-old get horny by his mom! Mama rejects Michael and he runs away, no doubtedly to find a place to jerk off for a few minutes.

Instead, he finds the chick who died by having her hair pulled out and she starts coming to life. Since Michael just felt up his own mother, he's not too smart and doesn't run. As a result, Michael is killed. Mama finds Hair Chick munching on some body part of the kids (Considering, I rather not know which part), which freaks Mama out.

Soon, one of the guys gets this brilliant idea: "Hey, maybe they're after something in the house. Let's let them in and see what it is!" Um, dude, this isn't Weekend at Bernies 2, ok? But they go with this stupid plan and let all the zombies into the house. Once that happens, the survivors leave.

So they go to their cars and drive away now, right? Well, no. This concept is beyond our little crew here. Instead they go running around some woods until they find a monestary that looks as if it hasn't been used in about a million years. So they think someone is home. They do find some monks but their UNDEAD MONKS! GASP! The Monks take the dude that was working with the zombies earlier and the remaining people (A dude, his wife, and Mama) run away...

...to some place RIGHT next door. They lock themselves in this room but sure enough the zombies show up. And they get another visitor: Michael! Mama is happy to see him and weird moment #2 and 3 happen simultaniously.

Mama takes off her top and offers her boob to Michael, who then starts to suck on it.
(I'm offically on some FBI Watch List for typing this, aren't I?) But then Michael gets a bit greedy and decides to take the whole boob. Off. Of her chest. With his teeth.

And with that, I hear women reading this (all 2 of you) going "Ouch". Now you know what it's like for us guys to watch a guy get kicked in the nuts.

So with that out of the way, the remaining couple get overtaken by zombies and simply get eaten. And that's it. The end. We find out that the ORGINAL title was "The Nighth of Terror" but was deemed too stupid, so they went with 900 other titles.

I don't know what to say. This wasn't anything special, minus the smart tool-using zombies. The incest scenes were a bit weird. This movie is just ok. It's definately worth a watch if you like zombie movies and/or Italian movies. It'd probably be best to watch this with friends and riff the hell out of it, cause these are some of the dumbest characters ever put to film.
And I've watched Vin Diesel movies.

-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!!:A Bio

Man, what a messed up week. We lost four celebrities in one week. Today we lost Billy Mays, oh I'm sorry I said his name wrong, BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, which I think sucks cause I kinda enjoyed having him around. Sure all the yelling was annoying but it was a gimmick to sell stuff and by george it worked. And if they were to make a movie based on BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, you know who I think should play him?

Chuck Norris, or CHUCK NORRIS!!!!



Yes, starting July 2nd I will be kicking off CHUCK NORRIS!!!!, a month long celebration on the man and his collective works. Just so we're clear, I won't be doing a movie each day. That's TOO much CHUCK NORRIS!!!! But it'll be spread across the month. I'll be doing most of his popular movies, some not-so-popular, and of course a week of Walker: Texas Ranger. Hells yes.

Before we start though, I thought I'd take some time to talk about a few things from his personal life. I know, you could easily look it up yourself (I get my facts from Wikipedia, soon to be a book!) but since I dont know how to edit wikipedia to make it say stuff in my words (Weird Al does though) I figured it'd be entertaining to hear it from me.

Chuck Norris was born Carlos Norris sometime in the 40's. Oddly enough, he didn't instantly start kicking ass and producing roundhouse kicks throughout school. He was teased and bullied cause he was part Irish and part Indian. He's like Billy Jack! But much cooler!

Eventually, he took up karate and learned how to kick ass. He signed up for the Air Force and was sent to South Korea where he learned how to kick some more ass. After all this ass kicking, Norris said "I kinda like this" and decided to base a carrer around it.

He came back to American and pretty much did a Daniel Larusso and partake in tournaments. He kicked so much ass he won awards for Best Ass Kicker and HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE ISN'T FUCKING AROUND GIVE HIM THIS AWARD NOW!!!! which I happen to own as well (one of three things me and Chuck Norris have in common)

He was hired by Hollywood as a fight instructor (maybe even Dolemite?) and eventually someone said to him "Hey, acting is easy" and Chuck went "Ok" and then proceeded to kick Hollywood's ass.

Then something bad happened. Chuck's brother Weiland was killed in Veitnam. Obviously, this upset him and he decided to make a series of movies dedicated to our troops. I will be covering just a few of these series.

Eventually, in the 80's, early 90's the world was starting to get tired of Norris. "Yeah, yeah you're a cop/sheriff/good guy and you roundhouse kick a bad guy to death. Hey, what's Arnold Swartzenegger up to?" So Norris said "Fuck you all, I'll do a TV show!" and he did.

Where he played a cop/sheriff/good guy delievering roundhouse kicks to bad guys.

Eventually, the internet was invented and someone said "Hey, Chuck Norris is such a badass he can do badass things!" and the Chuck Norris Fact Generator was born! This re-birthed his popularity, despite the fact he backed Mike Huckabee for President. It don't bother me that Chuck Norris is a republican (and, uh, pro-Pro 8 but whatever) I'm not a class warrior or whatever. So it shouldn't bother you. Cause Chuck Norris can kill you with a hair folicle.

So this should be a fun month. First up is gonna be Silent Rage. You are all in for a treat.
-Jason

The Fight For #...10?: Week 25 Results

Fletch bought up an interesting point in the comments on Friday's post. How was the scoring gonna look like if, say, one of our picks happened to land on #11 or beyond? I didn't think this would happen cause it seemed like two of the movies that's been on the top ten list for a few weeks now was ready to at least leave. Turned out I was simultaniously right and wrong about this. Looking at the top ten from imdb today it looks like this:



As you see, my pick "Land of the Lost" is nowhere to be found. Strange cause it came out the weekend of my birthday and I didn't think it was a bad movie, or did that badly. Now here it is four weeks later and it's already out of sight. Strange.

Well, I looked up on another site all the movies that landed in #11 and beyond.



So now I was at a crossroads. Here was a stupid game that I invented but I couldn't come up with a good scoring system. I'm gonna blame Michael Bay cause it's what I love to do. Damn you Bay!!!

Thankfully, Fletch came up with a good scoring system and I hope he doesn't mind if I use it. Fletch, you have your own scoring system. You have offically made your mark on the world. Here's how Fletche's Scoring System For Jason's Stupid Game (trademark) looks:
1 - 1
2 - 2
3 - 3
4 - 4
5 - 5
6 - 6
7 - 7
8 - 8
9 - 9
10 - 10
11 - 9
12 - 8
13 - 7
14 - 6
15 - 5
and so on.

So this weeks scores are:
Me April: 9
Fletch Rachael M.: 8

Total Scores:
Rachael M.: 37
Fletch: 36
Me: 32
Highway: 10
April: 9

Making Rachael M. the winnar!! Congratulations! You get "The Room"! Enjoy!

I'm gonna go ahead and say right now I'm gonna take July off from this game to work out some kinks in the system and maybe devise a new take on it. I'll keep you updated. I do wanna thank each and every one of you who takes the time to play this and for sticking with it. I have fun and it looks like you have fun.
-Jason

The Fight For #...10? Week 25

"Transformers 2: Why Is Michael Bay Still A Dickhead?" came out on Wednesday and because teenagers and parents (no offense if you're either) are retarded, this movie earned roughly 800 trillion dollars in two days. There's no question that this is going to be the number 1 movie this weekend.

So what does that mean for us and this little game? Sure it'd be an easy 10 points to everyone, but this is the last weekend of June, the weekend where it all matters. It's put up or shut up. My way or the highway. You'll be my regular Saturday night thing. Win one for the Zipper!! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.

So this week I'm gonna do something different. I want you guys to predict which movie is gonna be at the #10 spot. And whoever guesses that correctly gets 10 points. And the point system will be the same but reverse. Whoever guesses the #9 spot gets 9 points and so on.

And remember a prize is up for grabs so good luck!

Also coming out this week is "My Sisters Keeper", something to keep all the women preoccupied while their manly men watch Michael Bay's boner for 2 hours.

My guess for #10 is gonna be Land of the Lost, since Transformers and My Sisters Keeper will be bumping two films off the top ten, most likely this will pull Land of the Lost to the last spot.

Here's last week's top ten:



Good luck!
-Jason

New Review: Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars

I really hope there is a review when you click this link, cause I'm still not sure if this is a real movie or not.

Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars

And if there isn't, don't tell me. Let me live a lie. Thanks.
-Jason

Movies I Like: Ginger Snaps

(Originally reviewed on 7/24/06)

At this point in my life, "Ginger Snaps" is my favorite werewolf movie made and starring Canadians. Unless someone comes out with "Why You Biting Me, Eh?", I doubt that's gonna change. And I knew I was in for a treat just by the opening shot.

A baby is playing in his sandbox and the mom checks out what he's doing. It turns out he's playing with the entrails of a dog. The mom freaks, grabs the baby, and runs out into the street screaming "THEY KILLED BAXTER!" That was the dog's name, not Ted Baxter from "Mary Tyler Moore". But that'd be funny to see. "LOU! A werewolf KILLED me! News at 11!"

Anyway, we then meet The Fitzgerald sisters, Bridgette and Ginger. Since Bridgette is called B and it's a lot easier to type then Bridgette, I'll call her that. Yes, I'm lazy, so sue me. Anyway, B and Ginger are obsessed with death, up to the point where they take pictures of them in various poses that makes it look like they died. They then show this collection of photos to school, where they are immedately accepted by the entire school population. Or so they thought was gonna happen.

In reality, they are laughed at and shunned and picked on. Of course, this movie is pure fantasy. Girls never get picked on and made fun of. NOOO! Dorky nerdy kids named Jason get picked on!! ALL THE TIME!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT GIRLS?!? HUH?? HUH?!?!?!

Ok, sorry. I took a pill. I'm fine. Anyway, B and Ginger decide to get even with one of the girls Trina. So that night they go out to do something mean to her dog, but they find it dead already (I think...this part did confuse me.) Then it's at THIS time that Ginger gets her period. Seriously, she just looks down and there's blood flowing out of "down there". Ginger and B freak out, then Ginger freaks out even more when she's attacked by a werewolf.

The werewolf runs into the street and gets runned over by Sam, the local drug dealer. Ginger and B run home and find Ginger is all scratched to hell, but she starts to slowly heal.

Now the movie takes a turn for the fun. Ginger is growing hair on her body (not in places you'd expect), and she is growing a tail. Then something weird happens: she becomes POPULAR! Seriously, she's like all HOT now! All of a sudden it's like "Jawbreaker" with a werewolf theme. Ginger hooks up with Jason...

Wait. There's a character named Jason and he isn't a loser, a douche, or a psycho? AND he hooks up with the hot chick? YES!!! MY DAY HAS COME!!!

Oh. Sorry. Again. Anyway, Ginger is totally dissing B, while B worries about Ginger turning into a werewolf. So she gets some help from Sam, the drug dealer.

Just to recap the plot: two Canadian sisters who are into death, one of them is bitten by a werewolf and gets her period all in the same day. She grows a tail, becomes hot, and disses her sister, who hooks up with a drug dealer to help the sister no longer be a werewolf. There ya go. I love this movie.

The movie gets crazier when Ginger forces Jason into having sex (WOO!), then she comes home and eats the neighbor's dog (seriously). B decides she needs to heal Ginger quickly.

The next day, Jason appears at school all beat up and when he goes to the bathroom, he starts pissing blood. OH GOD OW!! It turns out that cause Jason had unprotected sex with Ginger, he now is turning into a werewolf. Figures. Us Jason's can't get a fuckin' break.

So Sam tells B there is one way to cure Ginger: grind up some plant I can't spell or pronounce and inject it into Ginger. While B gets the plant, Trina stops by asking what happened to her dog (the one I'm assuming was dead at the beginning when Ginger was attacked). When Trina attacks B, Ginger goes into attack mode and pounces on her. B is begging Ginger to stop, so she lets go of Trina, who falls on the floor cause of some spilt milk and dies. Seriously. Slipped on milk. Fell. Dead. I don't know but trust me, it's funny when you see it.

Right at this moment, Mom and Dad come home, so they hide the body in their meat freezer and they use the blood on the floor as a "prop for another death photo". Mom tells them to clean up when they're done and goes to the freezer. Now it's an episode of "Three's Company" where B has to distract Mom so she don't look in the freezer to find Crissy making out with Mr. Furley's son or something.

Once Mom is out of the room, Ginger and B bury the body in the back yard. The next day, everyone finds that Trina is missing and Jason is in stage two of Werewolf herpes. B is really freaking out here and tries to find that plant to cure Ginger and now Jason. Luckily, Mom got it somehow, so she steals some and takes it to Sam, who cooks it up like heroin. Hey, he's a drug dealer, that's his power: to make antidotes through drug methods. If he was a superhero, he'd be Super Supplier or something.

So B decides to test this werewolf heroin on Jason to see if it works and it does indeed work. So B locks Ginger in the bathroom at home so Sam could make some more (Why didn't they just make some more there? Eh, this movie isn't that perfect I guess), but Ginger escapes and goes to school, where she's caught flashing her nice tits to some kids. She is sent to the principal's office.

B finds Ginger there and finds the principal quite dead. B freaks out and decides to clean up after this mess. So she gets the janitor's supplies and while she's doing that, the janitor comes to the principal's office where Ginger kills him immedately. B is finally fed up and tells Ginger to go fuck herself and leaves.

Meanwhile, Mom is working in the garden and she finds Trina's body. She goes into "my babies aren't killers, I'll protect them" mode and hunts down B. She says she's gonna kill their Dad, blow up the house with his and Trina's body in it, move away (to America I'm assuming), and start over with just them girls. B first has to get Ginger, who is at a party thrown by Sam. Ginger tries to seduce Sam, but he isn't down with beastiality, no matter how many titties she has, so she breaks his arm.

B comes up with a plan: she's gonna turn herself into a werewolf by cutting open her hand and mixing it with Ginger's blood. Then when they go home, B will inject them both with the heroin. Sam comes along to make the stuff but when they get there, Ginger has transformed into a full fledged werewolf!!

Sam quickly bakes up one needles worth of heroin before he gets killed by Ginger. Now B is on the hunt, she's after her. Lost in a cloud, I'm lost, then I'm found and she's HUNGRY LIKE THE WOOOOLF!!!! So there's a chase scene in the house, where WereGinger is chasing B, B drops the needle, B finds the needle, B fights off WereGinger until B accidently stabs her with a knife. This kills WereGinger and we get a depressing ending when B looks at all the death photos they took at the beginning and remember a much easier time when they were only pretending to kill each other. How sad. The movie ends setting us up for the sequel.

Phew! I love dark comedies about Canadian werewolves who are horny menstrating chicks. I'm looking forward to the sequel, but I'm willing to bet I'm gonna be disappointed. There's no way it can be better than this. But I will keep you updated.

My Entire Movie Collection

I made a video showing off my movie collection.



-Jason

Oh Hi My Readers

The Room



(This review is for Film For The Soul's "Counting Down The '00's".)

This movie was made and kinda released in 2003. It didn't get a huge opening and writer, director, producer, exectuive producer (I guess he don't know the difference either) AND star Tommy Wiseau spent the rest of his 50 dollar budget to rent a billboard for 5 years in L.A. My friend Adam was lucky enough to see this, but unfortunately it's been taken down. Damn. Anyway.

It soon enough got played at midnight shows and became a cult classic. But if you never seen this movie before, you're probably wondering "Is this movie really that bad?" Well, here goes.

In all my years writing reviews for bad movies, I've always figured you, the readers, were just taking my word how bad those movies are, maybe not even believing it could be THAT bad. Hell, I had people say to me that High School Musical isn't THAT bad. But here, this one time, I must ask you to trust me, believe in me, when I say:

This movie is fucking awful.

It's hard to do a proper review of this thing cause if you look at it, collectively, it's like every scene is really a short story involving the same 5 characters. Or like short versions of "90210" episodes or something. Cause things that happen in one scene is never mentioned ever again and lines of dialouge is repeated as if they were trying to market a catch phrase or something.

Basically, we focus on Johnny, played by Tommy. That sounds confusing I know, but bear with me. Johnny apparently is wealthy and is engaged to Lisa, or as he calls her "Leesah!" I forgot to mention that Tommy is from Non-America and speaks in a weird accent that reminds me of Christopher Walken making fun of someone with Down Syndrome.

Johnny brings home Lisa a silky red dress and wants her to put it on but here comes character #3, Denny. Denny is some kid Johnny sorta adopted and instead of having him live in the same apartment, put him in an apartment in the same building. Considering one of the plots in an upcoming short story, this was probably a bad idea.

Denny doesn't get the hint that Johnny and Lisa want to bone and lingers around way too long, even saying "I just like to watch you guys". Instead of ordering a restraining order, Johnny does his characteristic laugh "HA HA HA HA". Denny finally leaves, but only climbs on the window ledge to watch the following scene and beat off.

So we get sex scene number 1 and I suspect either Tommy worked for Cinemax or Cinemax produced this film at one point. You see plenty of boobs but the area Tommy is digging in is nowhere near Lisa's enterance if you get my meaning. It looks as if he's humping her pelvis, or even her belly button, which is a disturbing image. Speaking of disturbing images, we're treated to a shot of Tommy's wonderfully shaped ass.

[Image not found cause Jason was puking his guts out]

Short story #1 comes to an end and short story #2 begins with Lisa changing her mind about Johnny and wanting to leave him cause he's boring. He mentions this to her mom Claudette, who's a bitch in her own way. Claudette more or less tells Lisa that she's worthless and wouldn't be any good on her own so she needs Johnny and his money to survive. Then Claudette casually mentions she has breast cancer, which Lisa waves off.

Short story #2 ends.

We now meet Mark, a friend of Johnny's. Lisa decides to bone Mark and guilts him into it, which is easy actually. After another 20 minute sex scene where Mark was probably humping her femur (probably a sex fetish for that. Rule 34 n all), Lisa wants to leave Johnny for Mark.

Johnny meanwhile walks all over San Francisco (I been mentioning that city a lot lately, haven't I?) and wonders into a flower shop where the funniest scene happens. I'll post the clip cause even though you should seen this travasty on your own, you need to at least see this:



Lisa orders a weird pizza and gets Johnny drunk. They fuck some more.

Later, Lisa claims Johnny hit her, but "she don't know what she is talking about. I did not hit her. Oh, hi Mark."

There's a story involving Denny owing money to some drug dealer and the dealer is here to collect. But Johnny and Mark beat down the dealer. And that's the end of this story.

More humping from Lisa and Johnny and Lisa and Mark. Some near humping from two random characters that occassionally appear in the other stories. More scenes of Lisa acting cold to Johnny. Then we get this wonderful line:



Ok, no more videos from this movie.

Johnny and Mark run around the city throwing a football. Johnny, Mark, and Denny run around the roof throwing a football. Johnny, Mark, Denny, and some other guy who vanishes after this scene run around in tuxedos throwing a football. Johnny sets up a tape recorder by the phone which actually come up again. I think this is just the longest short story in the entire movie though.

Now it's Johnny's birthday and the only gift he got is the knowledge that Lisa and Mark been fucking during every other short story. Johnny is pissed, plays back a phone conversation between Lisa and Mark. Lisa leaves and Johnny trashes the room. Then Johnny puts a gun in his mouth and cause he's too beautiful to live, shoots himself.

Sorry to be spoilerific but I doubt you really care. Of course it's after this act that Lisa realizes she belongs with Johnny and hates Mark. Too bad Johnny died. I was looking forward to the sequel The Room 2: The Rug Tied It Together, Man.

There's not one redeeming featuring about this movie. It's awful, full of plot holes the size of my head, and if I ever see Tommy Wiseau's ass again I'm probably gonna kill any living thing within a 10 mile radius.



-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 24 Results

Jeez I suck.

This Week's Scores
Rachael M., Fletch, Highway: 10
Me: 7

Total Scores:
Rachael M.: 29
Fletch: 28
Me: 23
Highway: 10


Oh well, it's still part of the fun. If I was getting 10 points every week, you guys would just roll your eyes and go "Ugh" and never play again.

Since I'm giving away "The Room", I do strongly recommend the Rifftrax to go along with it. It's freakin' hilarious. Check it out here.
-Jason

To Boldly Go...Where We've Been A Billion Times Before

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
(Originally written on 7/16/06, I should've posted this when the reboot "Star Trek" was around. Oh well.)



I am not a "Trekkie" by any means. Them people scare me. I am, however, an occasional viewer of Star Trek and quite enjoy it. Just cause I watch Star Trek doesn't mean I'm gonna run out and get plastic surgery on my ears so they'll be pointy. Or will I develope a speech impediment like Kirk. No, I am just a simple viewer.

I remember fondly seeing Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan when I was a kid and even back then finding something pretty humorous about "KHAAAAAN!!!" My personal favorite is possibly Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home, mainly cause it involves time travel. Sure people panned it cause it had a stupid eco-friendly message in it about saving the dolphins, which at the time the movie was made much of humanity seemed to have a huge hard-on about. But it's still my favorite. The rest seem kind of a blur to me. So I rented Star Trek: The Motion Picture to see if the first film in the series holds up to the rest. And I'm here to tell you...

No. No it does not.

A bunch of Klingons are attacking some thing that looks like it came from a Pink Floyd album cover when they get killed. Some other people in a space ship that we shouldn't really care about cause they'll be killed later on, witness this and run back to Starfleet, screaming "MOMMY! MOMMY!"

On Earth, Admiral James T. Kirk arrives at Starfleet and DEMANDS that the brand spankin' new Enterprise be up and ready in an hour! Everyone is confused onto why and Kirk just goes "Trust me. MU-HAHAHAHA!" Then he meets up with Scotty, who took a break from his usual heavy drinking to meet Kirk and board the Enterprise.

On the way, Kirk tells Scotty everything must be ready in time cause that Pink Floyd Album Cover is on it's way to Earth! And it must be stopped! So they take a 20 minute trip to the Enterprise and another 15 minutes is spent on 800 different angles of The Enterprise, to give Trekkies enough time to jerk off to the image.

When I woke up from the boredom, Kirk boards Enterprise and has the bad task of telling Captain Decker that he's being demoted to Commander so Kirk can get his jollies off by being Captain again. By the way, you know who plays Decker? That dude who plays the priest or whatever on "7th Heaven". I know, weird right?

So with Decker's balls being handed to him by Kirk, he scampers off, probably to cry in his quarters. Soon, the rest of the crew come aboard and last but not least to arrive is Bones, who has a beard and probably a gut the size of Rubben Studdard. Bones is his usual self, but accepts the mission and goes off to shave and drink some Trimspa.

You're probably asking yourself "Where's Spock?" Well...he's on Vulcan, getting ready to recieve his first communion or some crap, when he gets distracted. This pisses off the high priestess of Vulcan and she storms off in a huff. Spock steals the tacky necklace that was to be placed on him and he leaves.

So finally, at the one hour mark, Enterprise takes off. Kirk is all like "Go to Warp 1" and Decker is all like "NOOO!!" and Kirk is like "Do it now, bitch!" and Decker is like "WAH! MOMMY! KIRK ISN'T PLAYING FAIR!" and Sulu engages to Warp 1.

Soon, a trippy sequence appears where everyone is inside a worm hole (I bet Sulu isn't a stranger to entering holes. HA!) and for some reason, everyone is moving and talking in slow motion. Instead of the film being slowed down, the actors are obviously just moving and talking all slow. Witnessing William Shatner talking in slow speed is just hilarity. Pure hilarity.

Anyway, they find a meteor and Chekov blasts it and the wormhole vanishes (Damn hemorrhoid.) and things return to normal. In between plot points, we are introduced to a minor plot point. There is a bald chick on board named Ilia (Played by somewhat hot chick Persis Khambatta, at least when she has hair) who seems to have gotten it on with Decker. But she's like totally denying it happened cause she goes into "Deny" mode when anyone talks to her.

It's like "Hi Ilia!" and she goes "I have a vow of celebacy!! REALLY!! I am like other human females! I'm celebate!!!" and the guy is like "Um, I just wanted to know if you're gonna finish that pickle." But you know Decker and Ilia totally did it. WOO!

Anyway, Spock just appears on board all out of nowhere and doesn't talk to anyone. He goes to a computer and says "I can fix your Warp engine" and does so. Soon, they're able to reach Warp 9 without their heads and various other body parts exploding.

A bunch more boring stuff happens that I won't get into, so let's just get to the main plot, shall we?

They find the Pink Floyd Album Cover and they try to make themselves as friendly as possible. The Album says "Hm, ok." and lets them into the cover. Inside they rock out to "Wish You Were Here" and "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and "Pigs". Soon, a large white beam appears and starts scanning the bridge. Ilia touches this and suddenly vanishes. Decker cries out "NO!!!!" and cries some more. But Kirk gets over it and just demands that someone replace her soon!

More flying inside the album cover when out of nowhere Ilia appears again! But she's NUDE! And she has a lozenge stuck in her throat that glows bright red. She's not Ilia anymore she's a BORG! No wait...wrong series. She's just some kind of robot thing that talks for the Album Cover.

She tells us the Album Cover is named Vejur and that it wants to know what's up with the people inside Enterprise. So RoboIlia and Decker, who's drooling the whole time, shows her around the Enterprise.

Yada, yada yada, more boring stuff. Spock attempts to mind meld with Vejur but goes into a panic. Kirk is getting all pissed off and gets pissed off even more when he finds they are at Earth and Vejur has some weapons of mass destruction planted around Earth and will set them off if Kirk does not lead him to his creator. Kirk doesn't know who the creator is, but bullshits his way through it, saying he'll tell him but only to Vejur's face. So RoboIlia takes Kirk, Spock, Bones (Why? In case someone needed to get yelled at?), and Decker deep inside the Album Cover and they find dead in the center of it...

A Earth made satellite. WHAT?! THAT'S IT?!?! A FUCKIN SATELLITE!!! ARRGH!!!

So what happened is this. In the "20th century", NASA lauched something called Voyuger IV. And if you cover up the "oyu" you get "V-ger" aka Vejur. Yes. Let THAT wrap around your brain for a few minutes. Anyway, Kirk realizes this thing came to life on it's own, much like Johnny Five, and has been trapsing across the galaxy for thousands of years and decided to come back to Earth to meet with NASA. But NASA don't exist anymore. So Kirk has to bullshit his way out of this again, which involves looking up some code NASA had to destruct a satellite or some crap.

Decker says the only way Vejur will be destroyed is if it got it on with a human and since Vejur is talking through a female, only a male can do it. And since Decker isn't a beloved character from the 60's series, it must be him. So Decker gets naked, gets it on with Ilia, and the entire Album Cover explodes or implodes or something like that, with the Enterprise all safe and sound. Kirk says "Go thataway" (seriously) and their new 5 year mission begins. I guess.

This isn't my favorite Star Trek movie, but it could be worse. The effects were pretty awful but I see this was made in 1979, which isn't a year known for high tech effects. I mean, Battlestar Galactia and Doctor Who was made in the 70's and look at those effects. So I guess I don't have any room to complain about that. Anyway, I still say 2 and 4 are my favorites, even though I haven't seen 3, 5, 6, 7 and possibly 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14...99, and 100 yet. But I'll get there.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 24

Before getting to this week's installment, I gotta mention something.

Last week I was talking to my friend Adam and he pointed out something to me. He said "Why should a blog/site about bad movies care about what movie becomes #1? Shouldn't you make it about which movie does the worst?" And I see his point. But the way I look at it is sometimes a bad movie will become #1 (Paul Blart, Hannah Montana/Jonas Brother) so it all somehow works out in the end. Besides I, has a person, like good movies as well, so why not take a peek in the window of goodness once in awhile?

With that out of the way, me and Fletch took a tumble last week by honestly thinking Eddie Murphy would be in the top spot. Stupid kids, make up your mind!! This week, we have "Year 1" and "The Proposal", along with a Larry David/Woody Allen film, but it probably won't crack the top ten so whatever.

I think I'll go with Year 1 on this cause it looks funny and I'm gonna go see it sometime this weekend. Plus the power of Jack Black AND Michael Cera. Yeah, fa sho.

Just a reminder, there is a prize this month, a copy of the best bad movie ever "The Room", which oddly enough now there's a Rifftrax available for it. Yeah, I'll be picking up this bad boy soon enough.

Here's last week's top ten:

-Jason

New Review: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Sadly, Debbie Gibson DOES NOT show her boobs in this one.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus


I guess she did all her boob showin' in Playboy. Dang.
-Jason

This Movie Should Be Used As A Torture Device

Hostel
(Originally written on 6/6/06)



I'm completely torn.

"Hostel" was written and directed by Eli Roth, who is the jerkface idiot behind "Cabin Fever", which is in my top 10 of hated movies ever. But on the other hand, Quentin Tarantino helped produce it, so that's gotta be worth something right there. So I'm a little torn.

But I decide to go ahead and give Senor Roth another chance and hope he redeems himself from the misery that is "Cabin Fever".

We start off with some dude whistling while washing down a room. This would be foreshadowing, but the plot of the story has been pounded in our heads since it was first conceived, so we already know what's going down. I should mention that the credits just start without showing the name of the movie, and I think it was so Clever Eli could cut to a puddle and reflected is the world "Hostel".

Coming out of this Hostel is three BAD ASS MOTHAFUCKERS!! Paxton, Josh, and some Icelandic dude Oli. I'm gonna prepare you guys right now, the first 45 minutes of this film is like watching a slideshow of their trip in Amsterdam.

*CLICK* "Here's us leaving the hostel. We decide to smoke some weed, so-"
*CLICK* "We go to a hash bar. We smoke some pot, then smoke from a hukah. Afterwards-"
*CLICK* "We decide that Josh needs to get laid, because he broke up with his girlfriend and we decide he needs some pussay!! WOO!"
*CLICK* "So here we are at a bar. We make fun of Josh for having a fanny pack, and to make a long story short, we're tossed out of the bar and we arrive all late at our Hostel, so it was closed. It was then we met-"
*CLICK* "Alex. He gives us some pot to smoke while a drugged out of their fuckin' head couple is gettin' it on behind us. This is possibly distracting to the viewer, which is bad because this is where the main plot comes into play. That main plot is-"
*CLICK* "Alex knows this Hostel in Slovakia where there's nothing but women who want to bone American dudes. So we get on a train to Slovakia."
*CLICK* "We meet some creepy old dude on the train. GOSH, is he going to be important later?"
*CLICK* "We arrive at said Hostel in Slovakia and instantly meet some hot chicks who want to bone us. Needless to say-"
*CLICK* "We bone them."

Ok, you get the point, sorry I dragged that on.

So they're in the Hostel getting laid and whatnot, when suddenly the next day Oli disappears. Josh and Paxton search all over the city for them and we get Remember This Plot Point number 2 when they run into a gang of Slovakian children who'll bash your head in if you don't give them candy. Yes, this is important. It's stupid, but important.

Remember This Plot Point number 3 is a story Paxton tells about watching some chick drown and the screams bothered him. That too is stupid and important at the same time.

Ok, so they can't find Oli and there's a pointless scene in a torture museum, where you think "Hmm, maybe the things we're seeing in this museum will show up later when the actual torture arrives." But only a competent film maker would make that connection, so this whole scene is here to just waste about 20 minutes of our time.

Meanwhile us hardcore gore fans (yes I am one) are shouting at the screen "GET TO THE DISMEMBERMENT!!" Eli, hearing us, says "Ok, dickheads!", pisses all over us, then gives us a slight taste of dismemberment as some Random Japanese Chick gets her toe clipped off with a bolt cutter. But of course, a competent film maker would've showed us the toe actually getting cut off, even on the FREAKIN UNRATED "TOO SHOCKING FOR THEATERS" DVD!! But no.

Ok, back to the boring, serious version of "Euro Trip", the chicks Josh and Paxton hooked up slip them both something and Josh stumbles into his room and passes out. Then a man in a butcher's outfit show up and cart Josh away. Paxton gets lost and ends up locked up in a storage room.

Josh wakes up in the room I'm sure you've guys seen in the trailer and guess who walks in? Let's see if you remember one of the plot points from earlier. Go ahead and guess, I'll wait.

...

Did you say "The weirdo on the train that Josh met?" YOU ARE CORRECT!!! See, in the Roth universe, there are no coincidences. Now in case you've been in a cave during this movie's run in theaters, here's what's going on.

There's this place where people go and pay a shitload of money. They go into these rooms and torture, abuse, and eventually kill the shit out of unsuspecting people, like Josh here. Since we're focusing on Josh and his room for a bit longer, we think "YAY GORE!" and not, you know Al Gore. But all Train Dude does is drill tiny holes in Josh's chest, then cuts at his tendons, which looks like it hurts like a bitch, and makes him crawl out of the room. Of course Josh doesn't make it and we're probably gonna see some bloody action here and-

AWW JUMP CUT!! I HATE YOU ELI ROTH!!! JUST DIE!!

Paxton wakes up in the storage room and stumbles back to the hostel. He finds out that both Josh and he, Paxton, has checked out. Obviously confused, he does some investigating and finds the two chicks they hooked up with. One of them leads him to the place where the torture stuff takes place. It's here that it clicks in Paxton's head and before he can run, he's carted away.

Paxton is locked in a room and soon some skinny creepy German dude walks in. OH! I forgot about Remember This Plot Point Number 4: Paxton...KNOWS GERMAN!! WOW! And his torturer is German! You don't say??

So Paxton pleads in German, but ther German dude won't listen and ends up cutting off two of his fingers, but the German dude slips on the gag that was used in "Pulp Fiction", which is just HILARIOUS cause of Tarantino's involvement. This, along with "Pulp Fiction" actually being played on a TV somewhere makes it the funniest in joke in the world. Laugh, damn you, LAUGH!

So the German dude slips and ends up chopping his leg off. Paxton gets free and shoots the German dude, then one of the beefy security dudes come in and Paxton shoots him too. So now it went from "Euro Trip" to "The Great Escape" as we spend the remainder of the movie focusing on his escape.

In short, Paxton narrowly misses all the beefy security dudes and even has to pretend to be a dead body in a scene that goes on for way too long. Eventually, Paxton FINALLY does something and makes it to the part of the building where the torturers change. Here he meets Hey, It's That Guy! I don't know who he is per se, but It's That Guy! You know, That Guy! He one of the asshole business guys in "Day After Tomorrow". The asshole lawyer dude in "Cellular". Yeah, That Guy!

Anyway, That Guy is an American business dude who just wants a thrill and I suspect either That Guy is an asshole in real life, or he's type casted a lot cause here he's a major asshole.

Paxton manages to leave the building finally and is about to escape when he hears screaming. Ah, yes, Remember This Plot Point #3, he can't ignore a woman screaming. So he runs back in and finds that That Asshole Guy is buring off some Japanese chick's eye. This scene is kinda gorey but at the same time the whole thing looks like it was just placed on her face, so I was a tad dissapointed. Paxton kills That Asshole Guy and now he and Japanese Chick must escape.

By now the entire compound or whatever is aware of their escape, so they chase them and Paxton finds out that the cops are in on this (of course they are) so that's not an option. While driving through the city, Paxton finds the two chicks they hooked up with and...ALEX! Yes, Remember This Plot Point Number 1 appears and now the entire thing meshes. So...Paxton runs everybody over with the car. Several times. This is one of the good scenes.

Paxton and Japanese Chick make it to the train station, where they're surrounded by police and beefy security guards. Japanese Chick sees herself in a mirror and decides life isn't worth living with only one eye (I dunno, eye patches come in some sexy colors) so she jumps in front of a moving train. This is cool scene number 3. (The sex/nudity scenes at the beginning was the first cool scene.) With this distraction, Paxton gets on the train and it gets the hell out of there.

On the train, Paxton hears The Train Guy and when they arrive at wherever they arrive at, Paxton follows him into the bathroom. The Train Guy is taking a crap when Paxton just bursts in and cuts off Train Guy's fingers, yes same two as Paxton, and then finally, drowns him in his own crap. Eww...

I'd like to know how Paxton knew that Train Guy had something to do with Josh's death or even that whole torture scene. But oh well.

Paxton gets back on the train and it heads off. Ahh, yes, the final twist or shocking climax to the entire thing. The thing that horror movies are made of. I can't wait for this!! This should be good! Will one of the beefy guys be on the train? Maybe Train Guy didn't die? Maybe the stoned couple in Alex's apartment is behind the whole thing? I can't wait and...

Fade out? The title of the movie?!? CREDITS!!! NO!! WAIT!! What the fuck, Eli!!! Arrgh, you suck, you know that. Don't ever make another movie ever again, ok? You don't know what the hell you're doing and I hope you go to hell and are forced to watch your own movies while some dude sodomizes you with a Vin Diesel movie. ARRGH!!

So anyway.

Just remind me to try not to get laid when I'm in Europe.


-Jason

My Review of "Nightmare": Part 2

-Jason