The Lair of the Unwanted #35: Got Milk?

Jason. Nolahn. Jose & Jorge from StrictlySplatter.com. Gary Busey. Charles Band. Puns galore. And finally, The Game of the Unwanted. 'nuff said!

Maniac!

Apparently at some point in the future, there's going to be a remake of this film "Maniac" and it's gonna star Elijah Wood as The Maniac! Ok, the killer's name wasn't The Maniac...wait maybe it was! There were tons of newspaper reports about the killer killing people and it just said "Maniac strikes again!" Maybe the cops and/or press just called him "Maniac". Jeez, way to be original, fake cops and press I just made up in that last sentence!

Anyway.

Film starts off with a couple sleeping on a beach because they're homeless? They think it'd be fun to be cold on the beach? It makes even less sense when you find out it's December, so I really don't get what they were doing. Anyway, The Maniac creeps up on them, stabs the shit out of the girl, and then cuts the guys head off with piano wire.

Then The Maniac wakes up. Was this a dream? No, more like a dream-memory. He wakes up in his small New York City apartment and it's like Serial Killer 101 designed the place. There's creepy mannequins, weird dolls, and just strange things nailed to the walls. The Maniac, or as he likes to call himself "Frank", gets up, gets dressed, and heads out for the night.

He passes a prostitute and decides to buy her services for the night. Here's something strange I didn't know about buying hookers: you also have to pay for the hotel room. You'd think AT LEAST the room would be free, since you're paying for everything else. But nope, room AND pussy. And this movie was 1979/1980 so I can only imagine what that'd be like today.

They get into the room and the girl starts up with the sexy while Frank just lies there, looking like Ron Jeremy's unsuccessful brother, until they make out. Frank takes it a bit too far when he strangles the prostitute. I gotta say, I didn't buy him has a killer because it took FOR FUCKING EVER to strangle her. After five minutes, she died and he starts scalping her.

Yes, that's his M.O. He kills chicks then scalps them. Why? So he can put the scalps on the mannequins back at home of course. Frank likes to talk to the mannequins because his mother died and I guess he needed to fill in the void.

The next 45 minutes of the movie is Frank just stalking people and eventually killing them. He stalks a couple getting out of a club and the guy is played by Tom Savini. For all you Savini haters out there, he gets his head totally blown clean off with a shot gun. It's a pretty cool scene actually.

Another point he's just walking around in a park when he notices Caroline Munro taking pictures. For whatever reason, he snoops in her purse and finds her address. OH SNAP HE'S GONNA BREAK IN AND KILL A BITCH!

Or...pretend to be an artist and take her out on a date. Yeah, ok. It's kind of strange actually that he just pretends to be an artist, takes Caroline Munro out on a date, then shows up at a fashion shoot. He spies one model and decides to follow her home. After 20 minutes of her taking a bath and wondering when he was gonna show up, he comes out of nowhere and...ties up her to the bed and talks to her.

Dude, don;t change your M.O NOW!! You just hunt and kill chicks! You're The Maniac! People are scared of you, you crazy fuck! Well, after the talking, he kills the model. So now all that's left is to chase Caroline Munro!

It starts off normal enough, he picks her up and tells her they're going out to dinner, but first they must stop at his mother's grave to lay flowers. Awkward second date! What's next? "Oh here is where my dog Fluffy got run over 20 years ago. FLUFFY!!!!!!!" Anyway, Frank snaps and tries to kill Caroline Munro but you know what? She's MOTHERFUCKIN' Caroline Munro! She doesn't go out like those other bitches! She fights back! And then escapes!

Frank, all beaten and bloodied, goes back to his apartment and soon has a super freak out moment when the mannequins comes to life and kill the fuck out of Frank. Then my favorite part ever comes up. Two cops show up at Frank's house, bust in, see Frank's dead body on the bed, shrug their shoulders and simply leave, even closing the door behind them. Yep, nothing to see here. Oh well...

This was an interesting movie. And I kinda liked it. The guy who played Frank was weird looking, which made for a perfect Maniac. I think Elijah Wood is too pretty to pull this off but I guess we'll have to just wait and see, won't we?



-Jason

Four On The Floor, Baby!

After what feels like the longest LAMMY awards presentation ever, the Best Horror/Sci-Fi winner was announced yesterday. You gotta see this video:



So yes! For the fourth year in a row I won Best Horror/Sci-Fi blog! I am pretty excited that for four years now, people seem to like what I do here.

I never know who to thank because I'm never sure who voted for me. So if you are a LAMB and you voted for me...THANKS!

Now there's still one more award that I was nominated in that needs to be presented. That'll be revealed in August sometime, so look forward to that.

(Just kidding, Joel.)

EDIT TO ADD: I'd like to thank Mr. Anonymous below for bringing to my attention that I forgot to thank 365 Horror Movie, Flights Tights and Movie Nights, Old Horror Movies, The Lighting Bugs Lair, Silver Emulsion, and Goregirl's Dungeon, my fellow nominees. They do a wonderful job and really, watching a shit ton of horror movies isn't easy so lets give it up to them.

I guess I have no way to prove that I MEANT to thank them originally but I honestly did. I'm having major back pains, so it's sort of messing with my mind and it slipped my mind. But seriously, thanks.
-Jason

Mysterious Box of Mystery Contest Post #2

I have gotten a better Mysterious Box of Mystery for all the mysterious items I plan on sending to whoever wins this contest. Now, don't get all excited and think the box will be filled to the top with goodies, but I wanted to send a better box through the mail. FYI, I have now received nine guesses so far but since this is an awesome contest I'm running here, I want MORE MORE MORE!

But here's some stats you should keep in mind.

1. I am including the Blu-Rays I've recently bought, so if you watched the last episode "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" you know how many Blu-Rays I own caused I showed them all to you.
2. I do have DVD's enroute to my house right now but I am NOT including those, even if they show up tomorrow. I am only counting the ones I owned the day I started this contest.
3. I am NOT including TV show box sets cause that gets a little muddled on what counts and what doesn't so just to make it easy on everyone (including myself) I'm taking those out of the equation. I am only talking about MOVIES on DVD

To make sure of the number, I just finished doing a recount and...fuck I got a lot. Out of nine guesses, only two people so far are close. No, I won't say who. And sorry, no re-guesses. This is to prevent people from leaving me 200 comments, each one saying "200!" "201!" "202!" and so on...that'd get a bit annoying.

Anyway, that's it. Now if you excuse me, I have a speech to prepare...
-Jason

Poll Results And Mysterious Box of Mystery!

So I learned a lesson recently. Never put a poll on your website the night of your birthday, after you had some drinks, and you just came from a dance party, because you're gonna fuck it up. I asked you awesome people if you come here for the horror or because I'm funny. I also meant to put in an option stating "I love both horror movies AND you make me laugh" but again: birthday, drunk, dance. So I forgot. Thank god for comments though, so what I learned was you people LOVE the horror AND cause I make you laugh. Aw, shucks! Now let's see if you give me the LAMMY to prove it!

With that said and done, it's time for a fun contest thing! Yay!!

The prize: this wonderful mysterious box of mystery that Cokie is proudly displaying below!

What's in the box? Well, it's called a mysterious box of mystery for a reason, and not because Sarah McLaughlin built it. It's because the contents will be a secret! Yes, you WILL NOT know what's inside the box at any given time. So, how do you win this awesome wonderful mysterious box of mystery?

It's really just down to how good of a guesser you are. As you undoubtedly noticed, I have a pretty good sized DVD collection. Not the biggest by any means (that either goes to my friend Adam, or the guys at Cinemassacre.com) But I just want you guys to guess how many DVD's (not VHS, just the DVDs) I own. The CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER (that's right, The Price is Right rules, bitch!) will win the prize!! For example (and please don't use this has a guess or I will kill you) if I own 3000 DVD's and one person guesses 2999 and someone guesses 3001, I will give it to the person who guesses 2999. Got it? Cool.

Leave your guesses in the comments OR email them to me at invasionofthebmovies(@)gmail.com. You only get to guess one time so really think about it, and sorry Joel, Simon, Tom and any other Non-USA people, this only applies to people in States. Shipping out of the country costs too fucking much. Unless you're willing to come to my house to pick it up.

The contest will end next Monday at 11:59PM EST. I will email the winner that they won and do an announcement on Twitter and Facebook. Oh, and whoever wins, MUST either take pictures of what's in the box OR video, so everybody can see what they won. Plus I love seeing pics or videos of things I give to people.

Got it? Cool! Now...get to guessing!
-Jason

PS: I promise you, there will be stuff inside the box, it won't just be an empty box. I'm not THAT cruel. And no, it's not work shoes.

Old School Summer: Satan's Little Helper

Status: Rented

So I'm at my video store, trying to figure out what to rent for this week's rental and I came across this little gem. Reading the back of the box, the story sounded interesting so I said "Fuck it" and rented it. Little did I know that when I got home I would be in for the ride of my life.

Ok, it's not quite that momentous but I needed a catchy opening paragraph. Now that you're invested, let's start.

In this movie, there's a video game called Satan's Little Helper. The object is you're...Satan's little helper and you go around killing people and causing mischief. I'm sure this was some commentary on the state of video games. Anyway, this kid named Dougie-




Ok, now that we got that out of the way. This little kid named Dougie is OBSESSED with this video game, so much so that his costume is Satan's Little Helper. And Dougie wants to find Satan and be his assistant. Mom, played by Amanda Plummer, is like "That's nice, dear" and keeps on driving to pick up Dougie's older sister Jenna and

HOLY FUCK JENNA IS HOT!!!!

*shakes head*

Where was I? Oh.

Dougie realizes he has a hot sister and says on several occasions he "wants to marry her". I...wow. I don't even know what to say about that. I guess I'd be all into incest too if THAT was my sister. Fuck me.

Anyway.

Jenna ends up having a boyfriend named Alex and this upsets Dougie to no end. They all get home and Alex decides to dress up like this Satan character to win over the kid. Dougie, meanwhile, is all upset and walking around his neighborhood when he spots a guy dressed up like Satan dragging a dead body out of a house and propping it outside, making it look like decoration. Dougie falls for this and thinks this Satan is the bee knees and wants to be his helper. Satan is like "Ok sure, kid". Well actually, Satan doesn't talk in the movie, at all. He just nods his head and gives thumbs up a lot.

The movie becomes sort of a black comedy with the kid unwittingly helping this serial killer. It gets weird when the kid calls him "Master". And then it turns into fucking "Three's Company" when Dougie wants Satan to kill Alex. Satan just attacks Alex, knocking him out, then goes back home with Dougie, where Jenna and Mom think Alex is in the Satan mask. Satan can't believe his fucking luck and starts groping Jenna, even about to either fuck her or eat her pussy, which she was all for, until Dougie came in the room and wanted to join in.

Ok, no, that doesn't happen. But they stop and Dougie plays with "Satan" some more until Mom realizes she doesn't have candy so she sends Dougie and "Alex" to the store to get some more. There, Satan buys more weapons and then simply walks out without paying. Dougie things this is awesome cause "Satan doesn't have to pay for anything!" and then it turns into the video game with Satan running over pregnant women, old people, babies, and finally a blind person.

Then they go around the neighborhood while Satan kills some people, including Alex's father, who is an asshole. Speaking of Alex, he wakes up and just roams around town, not even thinking for one moment to go back to Jenna's house. What we find out is Satan has killed ALL the police in this town and now everybody has gone crazy and started looting.

After killing a bunch of people, Dougie and Satan return. Jenna figures out that Satan isn't Alex and...kinda stands there without doing much about it. Then their father comes home for a brief cameo because Satan comes out and kills him in front of Dougie, who finally realizes Satan isn't all he's cracked up to be. Satan ties up Mom and of all the fucking hilarious things, takes her to a giant costume party going on in some castle nearby. Yeah, this is a strange town, where there's only 4 cops and a giant castle.

Anyway, nobody at the party thinks it's weird that Mom shows up at the party all tied up and gagged with plastic and thinks it's a great costume. Jenna and Alex finally find each other and go save Mom, but first they must change costumes, which upset me cause Jenna was dressed like this throughout the whole movie:

But now she gets all covered up. DAMN IT!!!

Satan manages to kill a few party goers before Jenna and Alex show up, saving Mom. Alex goes after Satan and the weirdest scene takes place.

Alex steals a gun from a dead cop, threatens Satan with it, Satan PRETENDS to be Alex's Dad, Alex stops, Satan takes the gun, shoots a hole in his hand, gives the gun back to Alex, and simply walks away.

I stopped the DVD and let that sink in. Then watched it again. It made NO FUCKING SENSE.

Until the next scene, when Jenna and Alex goes to Alex's dad's house and finds Satan just standing there. Alex shoots him until he falls, which I then noticed the hole in his hand. OOOH!! I don't know why that was there but OHHH!!!

So back to Dougie, who prays to God and then Jesus shows up! Ok, it's the killer, now dressed as Jesus, NOW with complete Stigmata! Of course Dougie is stupid enough to believe this is Jesus and leaves the house with him AGAIN. But Jenna spots Dougie, realizes Jesus is the killer, and goes back home.

They hear the killer break into the basement and Jenna and Mom head down into the basement where they find Jesus just chillin'.

"But that's clearly Alex in the costume. The killer put it on him so Mom and Jenna can kill him instead!" You, I, and a billion other people who watched this movie shouted. And we are all correct. Upstairs, Dougie finds a nice policeman-

"It's the killer pretending to be a cop because Dougie is a fucking dumbass who STILL trusts the first person he sees, EVEN IF THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK! FUCKING KID GET SOME GOD DAMN SENSE WILL YOU!!!!!" we are all saying. And yes, we're right. And...the movie ends. We never see the killer's face, or wonder if it's anyone we've seen in the movie, or what. I will admit, it's an interesting twist that I didn't see coming. Well, I saw it coming like 2 minutes before it happened, but I didn't see it coming at the beginning of the movie. That's all.

This movie is very weird, really dark, and comedic in parts. I think this would make a good double feature with "Trick R Treat", if you're having a Halloween party, which I'm totally doing this year. I have to think of a good costume. I see Satan and Jesus has been taken. I wonder if I can pull off a good Peter. I just need a rock...



-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #34: Jason Love Porn Stars!

It's Jason's birthday! Time to watch a crazy movie! Jason and Nolahn discuss the film "One-Eyed Monster", which includes Ron Jeremy's penis. I believe the word "penis" is said more times than any podcast out there, including The Demented Podcast.

Before that, everyone showers Jason with fake birthday gifts, and Jason reveals who he'd switch places with if he had the chance.

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #3

This time around, I talk about some Blu-Rays I've recently bought along with some DVD's. Oh and I was hungover. So....enjoy!
-Jason

Poll: What kind of reader are you?

With The LAMMY's upon us, it got me thinking about the two categories I'm nominated in and I wondered if a good chunk of my readers are horror fans or just think I'm funny. So I decided to make a poll asking such a question.

Feel free to be honest, cause I'd like to know what type of readership I have. Plus, it'll help me figure out what type of reviews I SHOULD be doing.

And any information you give me will be used in boner pill commercials.

Thanks!
-Jason

The Soto List: 1980 Edition

Today is my motherfucking birthday!! So to celebrate, I thought I'd go to wikipedia and look up all the movies that came out the year of my birth and compile a list of my favorites! That should be easy, right?

Airplane! and The Blues Brothers-1980 was a good year for comedy it seems.

Cannibal Holocaust-I feel weird putting this on a list of "favorites" but it's an interesting watch and I think it needs to be seen at least once just purely for the history of the film.

The Changeling-Great atmospheric film with George C. Scott. You will need patience with it though.

The Fog-I've only seen this once, after not sleeping for 18 hours and through a hangover, and I liked it. I will have to watch it again with a clear head.

Friday the 13th-Duh.

The Pumaman-Yes! This movie is so awful that it's hilarious. Best MST3K episode in my opinion.

The Shining-This movie seems older than 1980, but that's probably cause they spent 20 years filming the damn thing. OH! Speaking of...

Empire Strikes Back-How awesome for the world that not only was I born but this movie came out the same year? Crazy, huh?

Stir Crazy-Often under looked comedic gem from Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. NOW!

Superman 2-Easily the best Superman movie ever! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Used Cars-Another underrated comedy starring Kurt Russell as a used car salesman. There's a crazy plot which is hard to describe, just do yourself a favor and check it out.

Finally, just for shits and gigs, here's a group of people the same age as me:

Zooey Deschanel
Christina Ricci
Kristen Bell
Macaulay Culkin
Michelle Williams
Jake Gyllenhaal
Anna Chlumsky

And finally...Ryan Gosling.

Hey girl...
-Jason

Old School Summer: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Status: Rented from Blockbuster.

Why wouldn't I rent a movie called "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies"? Why wouldn't The Asylum make a completely ridiculous movie based on a movie that isn't even out yet called "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter", which I'm totally FUCKING looking forward to!

But here's the shocking thing and you probably won't believe me when I say this but...this movie is actually DECENT! Like, kinda good! I...liked it! I...don't believe it either.And I promise you The Asylum isn't paying me to say that, they barely pay their writers, what makes you think they'll pay little ol' me? I'm just in shock.

Oh, if you never got a The Asylum DVD, be prepared to be annoyed cause their trailers never fucking end. I counted one time (it wasn't for this movie but for one of the shark movies I watched earlier) and there was NINE FUCKING TRAILERS! NINE! Normally there's maybe at most five but NINE?! Jesus.

Ok, anyway. The movie starts up and it shows young Abe in Indiana (WOO!) and his mother is a zombie. He pulls out a scythe and cuts her head off. Flash forward to the "present" which is sometime in 1863 I think and he's preparing for some dumb speech in Gettysburg that he must make or some crap when someone tells him a solider came back from an attack on some fort kinda sick.

Abe checks this out and finds out the solider is slowly turning into a zombie. The solider tells Mr. Lincoln (I feel weird calling him Abe) that a bunch of "strange people starts eating all the soliders" and he got bitten. Soon, he's a full blown zombie and Bad-Ass Abe pulls out his awesome scythe out of his coat and cuts his head off.

Knowing what he must do, he forms a small team of Secret Service guys to head to the fort to figure out how to stop this zombie outbreak before it reaches across the country! Civil War be damned! There was a part that reminded me of "The Walking Dead" where a guy who was sort of on The South's side thinks all the "zombies" could be cured eventually, but Lincoln is like "Fuck that shit! I have a cool scythe!"

So Lincoln heads to the fort with a group of secret service people, one of whom sounds very anti-Lincoln. And his name? John Wilkinson.

Ok, we know way early on this is suppose to be John Wilkes Booth. Let THAT sink in for a moment cause other shit is about to come flying at you.

They arrive at the fort and not only find zombies but Confederate Rebels shooting at them. Once Lincoln takes care of some zombies in a bad ass fashion, he discovers one of the Rebels...is General Stonewall Jackson himself!! WOW!

So Lincoln takes Stonewall and his men prisoner while he figures out how to stop this zombie thing. By the way, one of the secret service guys is a freed slave named Mr. Brown (I know I know...) and he tells Lincoln his relatives on the plantations use to talk about these undead beings called "zombies" which is where they learn the word.

Anyway, while Lincoln is figuring shit out, Stonewall is like "These are human beings! My people! You murderer!!" Man, what is it with Southern people and wanting to keep zombies alive? Jeez, southern man, you better you keep your head! Don't forget what your good book said! Southern change gonna come at last!

Lincoln and a few men head into a nearby town to get supplies and try to send for help. They come across some zombies and hide out in a brothel, where-you won't believe this-one of Lincoln's EX GIRLFRIENDS works at! And some little kid is hanging around here and his name is Teddy. Teddy...Roosevelt. I'm not even kidding.

And apparently Teddy Roosevelt is a thief cause Lincoln tells him "here, speak softly and carry this big stick" and "a nation divided upon itself cannot stand". Like, wow, really?

So anyway, Lincoln takes ex-girlfriend Mary and her daughter back to the fort, while killing zombies along the way. Oh, the zombies here don't respond by you merely being near them, they have to be attracted by noise first. So there are scenes where everyone is running by zombies while they do nothing. I bet Nick Jobe read that and is having an aneurysm right now.

Meanwhile, John Wilkes Booth wants to kill Lincoln for being Lincoln. Mary The Slut gets bitten and is slowly turning into a zombie. Lincoln thinks the only way to stop this is to just kill the town full of zombies. Stonewall is against this but one of Stonewall's men is all for it and agrees to help. So they go out and kill a bunch of zombies, which works but...more show up, killing a good chunk of Lincoln's men.

The survivors retreat back to the fort and ponder what to do. Stonewall FINALLY gives in and says "Hey, I have a shit ton of dynamite" let's just blow the fuckers up! Lincoln thanks him for his help and sets it up and manages to get the zombies into the fort and blow it up, killing them all and Stonewall. John Wilkes Booth isn't happy about this and runs away, vowing revenge...

There's still Mary to deal with. Lincoln takes her and chains her in a barn and has a doctor try to fix her. OH NOW you're all about trying to cure them, when it's an old piece of ass that's still pretty hot. Flash forward to one day before "the big day" if you know what I mean and while visiting Mary the Zombie, he gets bitten. Realizing he must act fast, he sends a letter to John Wilkes Booth telling him where he's gonna be at to give him a chance to kill him.

Ok, so how did Lincoln know that John Wilkes Booth would shoot him in the head, killing him? What if he should him in the shoulder or the heart? Then would zombie Lincoln attack John Wilkes Booth? Actually...that'd be kinda awesome!

So that's the movie. Yes, I was really surprised. I was really into the story and the guy playing Lincoln did a fantastic job! I totally believed him and I now want a series of Lincoln movies starring this guy. The downsides, besides some of the weird cameos by historical figures, was the fake beards and mustaches looked a bit too fake and of course the blood is CGI. I dunno why The Asylum can't afford to make blood. It can't cost THAT much! But whatever. I can't believe I'm saying this but

"Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies" is a good movie. Go check it out.

Gah, I feel dirty now.



-Jason

Old School Summer: Evil Things

And I begin my "Old School Summer" with...this.

Status: I own this movie. Sadly enough.



Oh found footage movies. Thanks to you, any idiot with a camera thinks they can make a horror movie. Let's go through the checklist shall we?

-A bunch of non-actors who are probably friends with the director.
-One of the non-actors holds the camera the entire time, even during times no normal human being SHOULD be holding a camera.
-Inclusion of the line "Are you really gonna be filming the entire time?" or "Dude, why are you still filming?!"
-A whole bunch of time wasted on all the friends partying.
-Something creepy happening in the background.
-More partying.
-Creepy things finally comes to the forefront.
-A bunch of times the camera flies around, giving everybody motion sickness.
-The camera going black to symbolize a person died.

All that more or less happens in "Evil Things", which is such a great title wasted on a fucking stupid ass movie. It really should've been called "Stalking" or "Evil Vans" cause that's all that happens in this damn movie.

To sum up: a group of friends are leaving one place and going to another for the weekend. While driving, they come across an asshole driving in a van. They yell at the van and drive around it. The van then decides to stalk the teenagers. When the van isn't stalking the teenagers, we see how white republican Christian 20-somethings act. Seriously, I've never seen a group of well behaved people in my life. Nobody said "fuck" or talked about fucking each other or made boner jokes or anything of the sort. It's like whoever made this movie wanted to show it during church or something. If that's the case, then maybe the evil guy in the van is Satan? Makes more sense than what actually happened!

Anyway, the friends show up at a house and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR 40 FUCKING MINUTES!!! Just talking and stupid shit and stuff you don't even care to know about. They forget about the van, go on about their day, and get lost in the woods. After bickering for 20 minutes (Yes, we are now at the 1 hour mark) they get back to the house and then weird shit happens. Someone knocks on their door, leaving a VHS tape on the porch. Now normal young people this day and age would go "What the fuck is this?!" and probably throw it back outside but THIS group knows to put it into a VCR and play it.

And what's on the tape will chill you!!!!



AHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK no.

It's video footage of someone INSIDE the evil van following THEM, then I will admit I got a little creeped out here cause the guy then goes inside the house and films them sleeping, which is one of many things that makes me go jibblie jibblie jibblie. So while seeing this, the friends flip the fuck out and start running around like rats in a maze, trying to get signals on their phones but no avail. There was ONE other good scene when one dude goes into a room and the door just slams shut and lord only knows what is happening inside.

BECAUSE WE DON'T SEE ANY BLOOD OR GORE!! It's a bloodless movie. I'm telling you, this was suppose to be shown in a church. So the rest run around some more until the dude recording the entire time gives the camera to this dumb girl who immediately trips, breaking the camera. Then the rest of the film is from the killer's point of view as he chases someone outside the house and then chases someone inside the house but again, no blood or violence.

There's a scene of some guy watching all this footage on multiple TV's, which would be nice if it explained anything but no it's ALL the same shit we just seen. Then the guy in the evil van starts following a group of people making a movie, hopefully better than this one, and I don't know what the fuck that means cause the credits roll. But during the credits we see the footage from the killer, but again it would be neat and exciting if it was SOMETHING DIFFERENT or explained what the fuck was happening! It's the SAME footage of the van following the friends, then stalking them, then walking in on them sleeping, and that's it. The end. Fuck you!

So besides the TWO creepy things in this movie, this movie was a giant waste of time. I could get all the LAMBS together and make a found footage movie FIVE TIMES scarier than this piece of shit fucking movie! AND do it for under 50 bucks! And the guy who made this movie was suppose to send me a free copy but he never did. So now I'm even MORE upset I had to pay for this crap.

Except this dude has my address.



Fuck.



-Jason

PS: Stacie Ponder of Final Girl also reviewed this movie. I dunno if I unwittingly said the same things as here, so I'm linking her just in case.

Did You Know? HORROR Edition

Being bored at home on your day off is dangerous. You just putz around the internet, clicking on shit, until you stumble upon something. (Oddly enough, I WAS NOT on StumbleUpon.) I found this website called "Did You Know?" that tells us weird, but true, facts. Then while looking that up, I found out that there's a parody site called "Did Yuo Kno?" (Grammar Nazi's, lay your weapons down, it's misspelled on purpose) and the parody site is fucking hilarious! And just know that NOTHING on that site is serious, so if anyone here takes it seriously, get off my blog cause clearly you don't have a brain.

Anyway, I do what I do best and ripped them off and now I present to you Did You Know? HORROR Edition!

If you have any you'd like to see made into a Did You Know? Horror Edition, leave them in the comment section!
-Jason

So The LAMMY Nominations Have Been Announced

It's the day after The LAMMY nominations have been announced and a lot of us are feeling a bit punch drunk for various reasons. Some because they been nominated a billion times, some because they haven't been nominated at all, and some because the ares they thought FOR SURE they'd be nominated in didn't get nominated.

You could listen to the LAMBcast episode to hear the nominations, but you'd have to fast forward through some Tom Cruise talk that was put before it for some reason, and have to deal with Nick's Ralph Fiennes impersonation (That was what he was doing, right?) to get to it. Thankfully, my best friend in the whole wide world Sam over at "Duke & The Movies" put together a list. So mucho thanks to Sam for doing that.

So here's my take on everything.

1. Thank you to everyone who nominated me for Funniest Writer and Best Horror. I really am grateful to have some fans who think I'm funny and horrific at the same time. It does my self esteem problems proud to know that at least SOMEBODY loves what I do.

2. With that said, what the hell? No Podcast nom again? I understood the first year cause we were new. I understood LAST year cause people complaining we were too long of a show. But now? We're in the middle of our third year AND the show is barely an hour long. So I dunno, I guess we're gonna have to get gimmicky on your ass. Look out for The Lair of The Unwanted Sponsored By Hooters! Starring Bambi, Jason, AND Nolahn!!
"So Bambi, what did you think of 'Yor: The Hunter From The Future'?"
"BOOBIES!!!!" *flash*
*Insert 3 million downloads*

I see how you people are...

3. It's a shame some of my friends didn't get nominated. Poor Nolahn didn't even get a New LAMB nom whatever year he started. And I don't think GreatWhiteDope got nominated for anything either. It's a shame cause both are great writers and deserve some recognition. GreatWhiteDope is easily the smarter version of me. He watches the same shitty movies I do but he puts a smart spin on it by telling you all about the movie, the writer, director, stars, what they ate for breakfast each day during shooting, and more! So guys, just know that I'm on your side and I TOTALLY voted for you both.

4. It's pretty well established that Nick at Random Ramblings got shafted. Big time. I won't get into it here.

5. Congrats to everybody who DID get nominated and I look forward to fighting the good fight with my fellow nominees, although I'll be honest, in the horror department...I haven't heard of a bunch of you before. I'm totally out of the loop, huh?

Anyway, voting hasn't started yet but when it does, it'd be fucking sweet and amazing if you LAMBS (and only LAMBS, unfortunately) voted for me in Best Funny Blog and Horrorist Guy In The World!

Wait...
-Jason

Inaugural Cinefessions Summer Screams Challenge-Invasion of the B Movies List

I don't know why I'm doing this. But not only am I gonna be doing Old School Summer, starting June 1st, but during the month of June, I'll be doing this Summer Screams challenge thrown down by Cinefessions. I'm not 100% clear on the rules but all I know is during June I have to list every horror movie I watch in this spot, updating it throughout the month. I guess there's a theme to it as well? I dunno, I didn't get nominated for Smartest LAMB for a reason. Anyway, if you wanna know what's going on, check this page here and follow the rules if you wanna join it. Lord knows I could use some company!

-Camel Spiders
-Evil Things
-Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies
-One Eye Monster
-The Strangers
-Satan's Little Helper
-The Poughkeepsie Tapes
-The Room
-Sleepaway Camp
-Maniac
-Hard Ticket To Hawaii
-Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
-Bloody Horror
-Bloody Horror 2
-Ted

Wish me luck!

-Jason

What A Horror Movie Trailer Should Be Like

WHAT A HORROR MOVIE TRAILER SHOULD BE LIKE:

VOICE OVER: Legend has it there's a sadistic serial killer on the loose! And he wants to kill! EVERYBODY!

KILLER(Voice Over): I'm gonna kill you!

SCREAM!

 WHAT WAS THAT?!?!
*Chainsaw effect*

MORE SCREAMING!

Dude, bro, I can't wait until I max out with my tan and-OH MY GOD I"M BEING CUT INTO A BILLION PIECES! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

RAWR!!!

Mosquitoes is the least of their problems!

RATED R! For a lot of awesome fucking shit like blood, guts, and boobs.

(Doesn't give a lot away, teases you the right way, and you know some douchebags are gonna die horribly. Fucking awesome!)
-Jason

So I Bought A Blu-Ray Player

For a few months, I been wrestling around with the idea of buying a Blu-Ray player. Here's the short pro and con's list I came up with:

Pro:
Awesome quality
Super popular now
They're getting cheaper now that EVERYONE and their mother has one

Cons:
I own a shit ton of DVD's, I'd have to transfer over to Blu-Ray
Blu Ray's generally are expensive as fuck
I normally don't care about movie quality or how it looks.
Seems to mainstream. VHS MOTHERFUCKER!!

But then I went to my local Target and in their clearance section, they had a Blu Ray player for 40 BUCKS! I was like "WHA?!?!?!" So I had to snatch that shit up. So now...I have a Blu-Ray player!

This one. Looks spooky in the dark!

Anyway, now I get to buy Blu-Ray's! How fun! The first two I bought were (I should save this for the next episode of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" but fuck it) "Evil Dead 2" and "Dawn of the Dead (2004)". And TODAY I rented "The Woman in Black" and "The Devil Inside" on Blu Ray! I'm excited!

So I guess what I'll just do is this:
-Buy any future movies I would've bought on DVD on Blu Ray
-Replace any bad DVD's or *AHEM*notrealdvds*COUGHCOUGH* on Blu Ray. Hence, me buying "Evil Dead 2".

I guess I'll open this up. Any interesting movies I should get on Blu Ray? You all know me and should know what I like. I think? Anyway, lay any suggestions on me! I'd love to hear them.

Reporting from the future,
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #33: That Green Day Song

BEST EPISODE EVER!

Jason and Nolahn welcome Scott from Frankly My Dear Podcast to talk about motherfucking "Basket Case"! Then Scott takes on The Game of the Unwanted! Stick around!

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER LAMMY TIME!!!!

And so it begins! It is LAMMY Time! To those of you NOT in the know, every year The Large Association of Movie Blogs hosts The LAMMY's, celebrating awesome blogging history and prestige or some shit like that. As you can see off to the right I've won a staggering four times. But this year I think is going to be different. Why?

Because since last year the LAMB has blown the fuck up! It went from having a small handful of members to HOLY FUCKING SHIT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD IS NOW A MEMBER!! You know how I complain about nobody reading my shit or anyone reading my comments in the old day? Well now I'll be TWICE as ignored! Maybe THREE TIMES! Who knows!

In other words, there's a lot of competition this year and this time around me and Nolahn are gunnin' for the Best Podcast award. Well, consider this your plea from me, fellow LAMB members, on why you should vote for me for these awesome categories:

Best Blog:
Why do all the fancy schmancy uptight blogs and movie review sites always win Best Blog? Why can't a small B-Movie site win? Does it say in the category that "only blogs run my fancy people with fancy movie tastes can ONLY win this category"? Nope! It doesn't! So let's shake shit up and nominate me for Best Blog.

Best podcast: The Lair of the Unwanted
This is our third year doing the show and I think it's time we get some motherfucking recognition! Plus we've redesigned the show so now it's leaner, meaner, and more awesome! THE LAIR FOR BEST PODCAST!

Best Horror Blog:
I'll be honest, I don't know of too many new horror blogs that's came up since last year. I don't have a problem in this category, I don't think, but if there's some new upstart I need to worry about, then I guess it's time to do a "Black Swan" on them. Or..."Talented Mr. Ripley"? "Strangers on a Train"? "My Dinner With Andre?" Something.

Best Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack
I think my Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g) has gotten huge over the past few months and I had fun doing it. I had to quit due to me getting burnt out, but that shouldn't stop you LAMB's from voting for it!

Best Running Feature: The Netflix Corner/Game
I hope this counts since I now run it over at The LAMB, but since it came to life here on my site, it totally should. This is by far the most popular thing I've ever came up with and I am happy about it. This should have a chance of winning!

Best Movie Reviewer
"And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche."
"While they're fucking in 2002, everybody else goes outside where it's 1988 and...hell if I know what happened next."
"I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station."
Those are all words I WROTE! Now if that isn't the work of a damn good reviewer, then I dunno what is!

Funniest Writer
The year was 2006. The movie "Black Snake Moan" was just about to be released and LiveJournal was the Facebook of 2006. Someone in a MST3K group found out that some chick who was in a movie featured on MST3K had a LiveJournal and a lot of us flocked to her journal. Turns out, she's two things that I promise are not related to each other: 1. A Bitch and 2. A feminist. I'm sure there are feminists who aren't bitches, and I'm sure there are bitches who aren't feminists so I'm not saying there's a connection between the two. Anyway, this chick was dating this guy and he SWORE he too was a feminist. Now this I can tell you is bullshit because there are only two types of guys: 1. Guys who don't need to clam to be feminists to agree that women should be equal at all times and should be respected and 2. Guys who only want to fuck hot bitchy feminists so they PRETEND to be "male feminists". Anyway, you needed to know all of that for me to relay this next part. The Pretend Male Feminist makes a post on his LiveJournal about how "Black Snake Moan" was horrible and shouldn't feature Samuel L. Jackson chaining a woman to a radiator and how dare MEN come up with this movie and you should burn in hell for even THINKING about this movie. But here's the kicker: HE HADN'T SEEN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING MOVIE!!! So...WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What kind of douche does that? Does this guy NOT know the difference between fiction and real life? I mean, it's not a documentary. Sam Jackson didn't REALLY chain Christina Ricci to a radiator. And plus if the fucktard watched the movie, he would've learned WHY this happened: TO HELP HER! I...FUCK THIS GUY! Anyway, 2006 also corresponds with the year I started this blog and I had to write about it. I was pretty proud of what I wrote and decided to send it to the guy only to show him how much of a douche he is and well, he wasn't too happy about it. Anyway, to prove how much of a bitch and a dickhead these two were, a week later they posted on their separate LiveJournal's the two following things and I PROMISE I'm not making up: 1. People don't deserve to have weddings and how dare people ask for help in planning weddings and 2. People who can't have kids don't deserve to ask for help in adopting a child that I'm sure needs a parent. This was the final straw. I literally told them both to go fuck themselves with something rusty and removed them from my friends list. And that was the end of that.

Did you laugh at anything I just wrote? Cool.

Best Cupcakes
I do make a pretty damn good cupcake. Would you like one?

So, Dear LAMB members, if you haven't voted yet AND ONLY MEMBERS OF THE LAMB CAN DO THIS, please consider voting for me in any/all of the above categories. That would be fucking awesome.

Thank you.
-Jason

The People vs Jason Soto: Wolf Creek

A couple of weeks ago over at Man, I Love Films, I took it upon myself to review "Wolf Creek", which was a movie Co-Founder Kai sent to me. If you didn't read the review, just know that I HAAATED IT! I explained why in the review but I've been getting some criticism lately and I feel I need to explain myself a bit further.

I seriously have no problems with movies that take their time setting up a mood or pacing, if it's done right. A movie can take 20 or 30 minute setting up mood before all the crazy violent shit happens. But "Wolf Creek" took FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES before ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT happened! The first 50 minutes of this movie was (and I'm not kidding here):

-Dude buys car.
-Dude and chicks pack car.
-Dude, chicks, and people party.
-Dude and chicks get in car and drive.
-Dude and chicks take turns driving.
-Dude and one of the chicks like each other.
-Other chick tells dude this.
-Dude and chicks camp.
-Dude talks about aliens.
-Dude and chicks drive some more.
-Dude and chicks pull up into a creepy gas station.
-They get gas.
-They almost get into a fight.
-They leave.
-They arrive at the giant meteor hole
-Their car breaks down.
-They sit in car for awhile.

And then finally our villain shows up, pretends to be helpful, and yadda yadda yadda. With good editing, all that bullshit, which WASN'T IMPORTANT to the story, could've been cut down to 20-30 minutes tops. We get maybe a scene of the villain terrorizing a girl before everyone just scatters and the movie decides to be mean and have the dude act like fuckin' Jesus and show up everywhere to BE SURE these people die horribly.

Now to defend my decision to not finish the movie. It's a LONG fucking movie. I have no idea why it's so god damn long. I was hating this movie and just wanted it to end. And the part I think people don't read in my review is, I turned it off like 5 minutes before the actual ending. I got through 95% of the movie, realized pretty early on I hated the movie, and figured the ending was going to piss me off more cause very rarely in movies I hate do the endings change my mind.

And besides, I went on Wikipedia and read up on the ending. So I know what happens. I just couldn't finish it. I was sick of it by a certain point and was disgusted when the guy just shoots the girl and burns her in the car on the side of the road. Then it went to the dude that everybody forgot and I said "FUCK THIS I DON'T CARE ANYMORE" and turned it off.

I know I've been doing this for a long time but I swear I never claim to be a horror expert. There are people who are smarter than me when it comes to this shit. I'm more of a fan. People like reading my shit cause I'm funny and I put a spin on things, not cause I'm smart. I'll be the first to admit I'm fucking stupid. So I reviewed this movie not as a movie expert, not as a horror expert, not even as a critic, just a stupid American horror fan who likes certain types of movies. If this movie changed your life or helped you find a friend, that's awesome, I'm happy for you. Me? I will never, ever, EVER watch this movie again and I'm only keeping the DVD because it was a gift/prize and I respect the man who gave it to me.

With that said, listen to this awesome episode of The LAMBcast, will you?

The defense rests.
-Jason